#idk how Bond-ish he even is considering that he’s apparently American in that?

[spacepunksupreme]

So entertained by the number of smash or pass polls/ who’s hottest poll brackets on my dash lately. I’m gonna make a little Bond bracket. Stay tuned

[headlongedmaggiemay]

Guys, I floored! IDK what I’m doing

This is a long rant/story ish thing. It gets weird at the end.

Ok here’s a peak into my life (of which, no one asked for 🤷🏼‍♀️).

Hi, I’m Steph, 28 (turning 29 at the end of this month), artist, barista, beach bum, INFP, 2w1, Hufflepuff. I’ve been a part of the Queen fandom since BoRhap and I’m not planning on leaving any time soon.

Ok, one of the main things that I usually don’t care that much about but has been a source of insecurities and a trigger for my depression, which I’m working on controlling that, is I’m Demisexual. I’m a unicorn, ace of diamonds, part of the asexual range, and a complete hopeless romantic. It was hard growing up not understanding that I wasn’t broken. I didn’t have crushes on people the majority of the time or slept around. A lot of my friends chucked it up to me being raised in Christianity, and in all honesty I thought that was part of it, too. I remember thinking the people I had interest in just didn’t like me because of *queue laundry list of typical insecurities often found in teenagers and young adults* (you get the gist). Through my early mid 20s I decided to acknowledge my feelings and desires to be in a relationship but not let the lack of affection, attraction, or action overwhelm me into a depressed funk. I chose to focus on the fact that I felt relatively normal for wanting those things which the American Society seems to hyper fixate on. This was the period of time I took to focus on me and being confident in my plus sized skin. This was good. I am who I am and no one can make me feel less than who I am. Around the peak of self love and acceptance, I discovered a word, a magical word, that seemed to click with who I am, Demisexual.

For those unaware of the definition of Demisexual it is not experiencing any sexual attraction to another until a greater bond is formed. Basically, there has to be an emotional bond, think friends to lovers trope. We fall under the asexual umbrella. Just because we need a deeper connection with someone to feel sexually attracted to, doesn’t mean we don’t get horny or anything else non-ace feel, it’s just more specific to the individual. From what I’ve read, since I only know of one other demi, who didn’t have a word for what she is until pride month because I was explaining my demi pride name tag I painted for work, a lot of Demi’s still have sexual urges and masterbate. We still have the need to connect with another person. We still want to be kissed in the most romantic way. It’s just with a person we know and trust.

That being said, I’m a demi who rarely has romantic crushes, friend crushes literally happen everyday for me lol, I just think people are amazing and unique! The thing about me is that I’ve had five (5) crushes in my nearly 29 years of life. Of course, 4 out of 5 of those I had a deep connection to, the other I was literally a child, living in my fantasy, but it still counts. Consequently, those four are the only ones I have ever had a sexual attraction towards. So the 4 have all been friends, close friends, best friends, and only one of those was semi acted on. We talked for a few weeks, then he decided to be an ass, (fueling my deep fear of rejection) and I told him he wasn’t allowed to talk to me or even look at me until I gave him the ok, which he respected. I have had a ‘boyfriend’, it lasted 3 weeks, was he one of the 5? No. Why did agree to be his girlfriend? Because one of the five had gotten into a relationship with our friends sister and I was so hurt because I put too much heart into a one sided thing, I accepted the ‘boyfriend’s’ affection and hoped for something to happen. I don’t know I was hoping for, but it didn’t happen. (The guy who got with our friends sister is happily married to her and I’m happy for them)

See, when I have a crush or whatever you want to call it, I go hard. I already know when I get into a *real* relationship, it will be a ride or die situation. I love hard, even on my friends. I’m incredibly loyal and protective of my tribe. I can’t help it, it’s just how I function.

This is a lot of setup for this part of my current flaming cart of shit of a life, right now, July 14, 2019. For the past, nearly year I guess, I’ve been trying to disentangle my feelings I had towards my closest best friend. I’m 99.999999% he’d never hold romantic feelings for me and that’s fine, I can’t force him to reciprocate. The main reason I decided to disentangle my romantic feelings for him was because I don’t want to ruin our friendship. It means more to me than a crush. Like, he’s so important to me and I know that if I didn’t, I’d push him away and lose one of the best things in my life. And for all of you going ‘why not take a chance on him?’, well my dears, he is on the asexual scale as well. And I respect him and our friendship too much to damage that. Queue BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY! In the earlier stages of the disentangling, BoRhap came out. This was my distraction from my feelings and ultimately what helped me work past them. Shout out to all you Queenies out there, y’all helped a lot! Anyways, I realized about a month or so ago I no longer felt those romantic feelings for him and was pleasantly joyful about that because now our friendship has gone back to normal. Around that time, a guy at my work transferred back to our store. I worked with him briefly when I was first hired, six months later he was transferred. We almost never spoke, I was shy and still getting comfortable with the people, so I barely spoke to like 3 of my coworkers. I always tried to say hi to him and a few other coworkers that I felt we could eventually become friends. Fast forward a year and half later, I’m incredibly comfortable in my work space, so much so that I, an introvert, innately shy natured person, am considered one of the bigger personalities we have in our shop. So here we are, he’s (let’s call him Craig) back, and somehow we have become pretty close. Now, I’ve never been good with reading flirty body language, I’ve always said if someone like me, I need a billboard or flashing lights, or complete directness i.e walking up to me and saying, ‘Steph, I like you a lot,’ or ‘I have feelings for you.’ So with Craig I can’t tell if he’s flirting with me or if he is very comfortable with me. He is a relatively normal cis guy, not an asshole, nerdy and cute and yes, a crush is developing for him. We send each other memes literally all day even when we’re at work together. He texted me right before he fell asleep telling me he shaved his face. I can read his emotions fairly well. We joke and laugh all the time. We haven’t hung out outside of work yet, but I really want it to happen. I’m at the point in my life that whatever happens happens with him because to few times I let my heart run away it’s come back mangled. I’m tired of it. Also, Craig got out of a 3 year relationship right before he transferred back. I’m trying not to dive in without looking, but Craig has been constantly running through my head for the past week, at least that I’ve realized. I’ve had a few sex dreams with him, fun fact: I’ve never had sex... bonus: it doesn’t make me weird. He’s definitely popped into my head when I was masterbating (tmi sorry). I just don’t know what to do. I want something to happen between us, I want him to have feelings for me, I want him to hold me at night but we work together so I have all these insecurities with that. My insecurities about my weight like to flare up when I start having feelings for someone. I’m confident in my skin except around crushes, apparently. I shouldn’t let it matter, but I know I don’t fit the standard for beautiful body, or ‘hot’ and hmmmpff. Like anytime someone tinkles that little bell of interest for me, a voice comes crawling from the grave I thought I buried it in, saying ‘no one’s going to love you or want you. how could they? you’re so fat and your boobs aren’t perfect, and look at all these pretty other people around you, how can you hold up them? why would they choose you over that cute thing there?’

Do you realize how hard it is to try to kill that voice, especially since it sounds like my mother?

Do you realize how hard it is not to hate myself for not being semi normal?

Do you realize how hard it is to not run away from my feelings for someone? To not just hide away forever hoping someone will come rescue me from my thoughts? To not just friend zone Craig and leave it at that?

I should just find a therapist.

Sorry.

.

P.S. I’m still figuring out the other part of my sexuality, meaning demi is a precursor to homo, hetero, bi, pan, poly ect.  I think I’m demi-pan-sexual