#idk if that works for everyone tho I can go back
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was worried parts of cr2 would not hold up on rewatch (especially seeing people hate the aeor arc so much) but ngl so far its either been good and fun as hell (travellercon, pirate arc) or just straight up banger after banger. like the xhorhas to angel of irons through to refjorged arc and then the cathedral.................. unrelenting slay
#so far the aeor arc is banging i love that its so freaky and i love that theyre committing to the bit and its cold as fuck and snowy#and everyones getting points of exhaustion from the cold#and lucien is scary . and it just feels like from the point they find molly's empty grave and then again when vess dies that theyre#spiralling as fast as an actual play dnd podcast can go towards a big scary climax with connecting threads and research its so fun#im excited for later when (almost) everyone starts getting the eyes on themselves. i love the raising stakes of it. its so spoooky#just abt to get to the ep when caleb and beau first do 😈#kiddo say#cr2 is just peak to me .#i did start at the beginning of the iron shepherds arc tho so i did hear/remember it starts slow. but idk i still like the characters enoug#but maybe i should go back to there too#(my rewatch started because i wanted to watch scenes with nila and then just kept going while i was working lmao)#nila and keg rule sm some of my fave guests. reani too#twiggy also is v good. but i should go back bc i actually dont remember calianna very well .
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I see these everywhere. and i mean EVERYWHERE. and also i need motivation so lets go ig
10 notes- i'll drink on weekends too(i forget cos on weekends im just at home and not at school lugging around my frank green in my tote bag)
20 notes- i will(try to) pay attention in class
30 notes- i'll watch my whole watch later playlist on yt
50 notes- i'll actually do the techniques im learning in ✨therapy✨ to help with my anxiety and shitty social skills
75 notes- i'll take my iron tablets every day
100 notes- i'll start my assessments when i get them(i have one due tomorrow which i was gonna finish now but i'm doing this apparently)
125 notes- i'll ask my crush to hangout alone during spring holidays
150 notes- i'll try to go for a run or at least a walk every day
500 notes- i'll write another chapter of my fanfiction
1k notes- i will actually make an effort to get clean
2k notes- if i see someone pretty that i want to go out w in public i'll ask for their number cos holy fuck i need to put myself out there. even if we js end up being friends cos holy shit im lonely
3k notes- i will actually finished the dress i started making
4k notes- i will try to get over my crush cos its ✨never gonna happen✨(she so pretty and masc tho its gonna be hard)
5k notes- (this is so far up here cos idk how to do this so im gonnna need a lot of time to figure out how) im gonna try to demolish the rumour that im gay thats going around a bit.**
6k notes- i will finish all my crochet projects and not start any new ones until im done.
**context. i go to an all girls school and theres a lot of people so its not like everyone knows everyone, even in my year(theres approx. 174 in my year alone, and theres 6 year groups at my school cos high school is 7-12 where i live) but some people know me ig cos i know a few girl who are more notable, im in the top class and i recdntly started sitting with a group that the popular girls call furries.
(theyre a pretty big group and popular girls hate them cos one or two of them are trans - ftm, ftnb etc, no mtf cos my lovely/s catholic school wouldnt let trans girls in- several of them are gay, a few of them are emo, most of them are poc's and a few of them dont have english as their first language. overall they are seen as the "weird kids" in my year)
so this rumour apparently is going around that i like a girl in my class(i absolutely do but if you havent noticed my school is hella hoomophobic and i could very well get beat) which js isnt ideal and is gonna lead to a lot of issues, especially if a lot of people start believing it so if you guys have any advice pls lmk. and its not like i can js get a fake bf and show him off cos its a GIRLS SCHOOL. if i reconnect with a friend from primary school tho we could pretend to be dating and like make a post on social media. but then kids at his school would find out and hed either have to tell them its fake(which would eventually find its way back to my school, and when i say eventually i mean immediately) or he couldnt get a girlfriend so that probs wouldnt work.
i know it sounds like im making a mountain out of a molehill but ive got years to go here and i dont want to spend all my high school years getting bullied bc even if i went to a teacher about it or smthing id have to like analyse them first and try to figure out which ones are homophobic or not.
like learning about why "being gay is a sin"(pretend im saying that really mockingly) is literally in our curriculum.
holy shit that was longer than expected.
no pressure tags: @wishiwereheather13 @loserboyfriendrjl @fracturedsunsets
@chasingthemoony
@stars-and-leather
@starsofleo
thats all im doing idk how you guys can stand js copy and pasting moots over and over i cant do this i did the first six that came up and that seems like enough 🤷♀️
begun doing
going to do
finished
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she's live
now you can see what everyones height is in my head because i refuse to download height sliders. look at ass <3
#also works on mobile btw ☝️ !!#me successfully making this is proof you can achieve anything with 500 google searches#you should see my search history#html how to put image. html how to change image size. html how to put images in a row. html how to center a row of images. html how to#their pinterest boards are disabled at the moment because i need to make them look good before i share them#and most tags don't work yet because i'm too lazy to go back through my whole blog and tag almost 2 years worth of posts 😭#going to christen it by reblogging one of those dress up your sim prompt ask games#if i can find it#and then i'm going to get completely stuck into rufus and sawyers gameplay yessss i can't wait#leaving virgils gameplay forever i think because when rufus and sawyer have a kid i'm moving him in as the babysitter#would you believe me if i told you there is 0 cc clothes in this#i've fallen in love with maxis clothing recently idk what happened to me#besides roxys boots and virgils bag its a vanilla lookbook#thank you to everyone who voted on the poll yesterday btw#even though it was 50/50 the majority of the time it was up#it ended up 60/40 after an hour tho so i went with my fav macmahon lifestages instead of young adult stages!#goodnight <3
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hm. i do not like chilshi 🤔
#sylph.txt#everyone likes to joke abt how much of an epic divorce man chilchuck is#but i dont think he ever even refers to her as his ex-wife. i could b wrong bc it's been a while since i read it tho#idk a lot of his arc is him learning to b more open w others (which is essentially what ended his relationship)#and u can see how much he's grown in the chapter where senshi goes into his past#to me it would b a lot sweeter for him to take on these lessons and go back to her and make things work#it's been 4 years but he's remained loyal to her depite their issues. idk to me it rlly does feel like he still loves her he's just a fool#it's made p clear that he's a coward and that he's quick to run away so actually committing to her would b a nice way to wrap things up#we don't get to see much of his wife so i get y ppl r quick to put him w the only other man in the party#but like senshi knows abt his wife too like i do not think he's gnna b making any moves here bc he has morals lmao#(*only other older man in the party. laios doesn't qualify for old man yaoi to most chilshi likers)#(even tho chilchuck isn't old either but shh they don't care abt that)#when it comes to senshi the changeling chapter def helped him w understanding how old the rest of the party is#but he clearly still views them as significantly younger than him#i don't think he views chil as a child anymore but for the majority of their time together he did#and so going from that to in a relationship is uhh rlly weird to me!#senshi has always taken a sort of parental role upon himself#w him romance is no where as interesting as the platonic bonds he has w the rest of the party#similar to how romance is entirely unimportant to izutsumi in the succubus chapter#idk i def don't hate the pairing and there r some takes on it that i find funny#but for me i just don't see anything between them i think ppl just want an m/m ship to play with#that ao3 gap is only gnna get bigger lmao
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re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
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🍷
#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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it’s me & my faggoty ass scrunchie against the world
#stream#it’s so fun but it looks so bad but idc#it’s. like a bucket hat#it’s ugly & looks unbecoming on everyone & that’s the point. universality#i got them both from the same brand lucky & yak#i also got the black chord tote & that’s what was my main bag for this trip to spain like i had so much shit in that & she HELD#STRONG#RECOMMEND#it’s got 2 internal pockets then 1 internal zip pocket & it’s all a lined w canvas but the bag structure is the chord so she can hold a good#weight !! i needed a bag like this sooo bad like totes are great love a plain cheap tote but i need A Heavy Duty#i’ve one bookmarked leather tote but it’s unaffordable rn#like i’ve alert my leather purse i got last year that still needs more use#if i didn’t drunkenly get the jacket & the document holder MAYBE ? but no i didn’t lol#i still haven’t worn the coat#honestly if i move to china id be able to wear it bc all id use is alipay & wechat lol#like i just got shit to carry !!!#idk how to style this leather coat more casually bc they didn’t / refused to put the front pocket w/o a zipper or make it a single front#pocket which made no sense anyway like what i’m asking u to Do Less Work#i wouldn’t get from them again#LESSONS LEARNED REGARDLESS#i just didn’t think i’d have had time to get them elsewhere & this guy was recommended#i like the document holder tho i use that for all my important shit#it is ACTIVELY used#like i’m literally going to have it until i die it’s fine & i never need another#but the jacket …. yes still will have just not as much use until it gets damaged from eventual wear#i love love love damage like i was going to wear a white shirt that i stain on purpose to get this tattoo so it could bleed in a fun pattern#onto the shirt but then they were like can u cons back in 1.5hr & i was like yea lol so i went home & showered & didn’t but it didn’t bleed#much at all like it’s going to be such an easy heal#+ if it blows out it’ll be so fuckig funny bc it’s the ….. od price lol#a BLOW OUT IT WAS …
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going to a comedy open mic tomorrow mostly to watch my friends (it's at a cool venue that my improv troupe performs at once a month and a few improv troupe friends are doing standup there) but when these friends were asking if i'd be interested in coming they were like "btw there's usually a ton of open spots on show days if YOU want to do something... and they're not strict about it only being standup either, people have done character pieces and sketches etc like they embrace the weirdness... and they're not strict about time limits you could probably do anything between three and eight minutes... sometimes if there's not enough people signed up they'll even let you go twice..." and i'm like god damn it i thought i was gonna take a break from aubrey but this setup is like tailor made for an aubrey appearance lmao
#still on the fence about it bc the burnout i experienced at the beginning of may extended to aubrey#especially bc so much of my aubrey stuff is comedy about gender and my brain was more in ''set everything on fire'' mode#and i think i've gotten to a good place with that burnout but i still haven't worked on any aubrey stuff since i got home from college#but even still even tho my mental health is better than it was a few weeks ago#recently i have had this horrible insomnia where i haven't been able to fall asleep at night in over a week#(i've made up for it with naps but still i am not mentally 100% rn. i've tried so many things and nothing has worked.)#so that's my justification for *not* doing aubrey tomorrow. however.#i reeeally need to get more performance experience bc there's only so much you can develop a sketch character without performing them#and this venue is so good. it's an art gallery like an hour away that's designed to be part gallery and part performance venue#especially for comedy. like the venue owner is this veteran comedian who used to work with bobcat goldthwait and a lot of other big names#and it's a low-pressure environment bc everyone there has seen me do comedy before with my improv troupe#but they still haven't seen me do aubrey at all so it's bringing a new side of my comedy to some of my main collaborators#like this is so much better than my previous aubrey performances bc they were all either#1. shows in CLASSROOMS with a bunch of my classmates who generally don't get my comedy (very clique-ish)#or 2. a guest spot on a show at a coffee shop where everyone knew each other except me#plus the biggest thing for me is the lack of a strict time limit. like as much as having a good 3-minute monologue can be#i think aubrey is a character you need to get to know a bit longer than 3 minutes. and a lot of my stuff is long while also being very tigh#like not every monologue is like this but my best aubrey monologues are almost like aubrey is telling you a sitcom storyline#and removing too many lines makes the whole narrative jenga tower fall over#and as much as i want to figure out how to make every monologue a good starting point#having the chance to perform multiple monologues if i get to go twice so that they can build off each other would be perfect#idk i'm not sure how often the open mics are there. at least monthly tho i might be missing next month's depending on when i'm in toronto#so like this wouldn't really be my only chance. but yeah i'm on the fence about whether to bring aubrey back for a performance tomorrow#i probably wouldn't do new material. i'd do the 5 minute version of my uncle reg monologue bc it's the one that's worked best so far#and if i get to do multiple. maybe i'd do the ''nom de plum'' monologue bc i think it's also very strong#and it has a good callback to uncle reg#but idk i also think doing the song would be very fun and on-theme since it's pride month and the song is a satire of rainbow capitalism#tho i'd probably have to rework the monologue that leads into the song bc even tho i loved the concept i don't think i articulated it well#or i could write an entirely different lead-in and make the previous monologue (''C/H/M'') a separate thing to revise later#which would probably go better and somehow be less work to write. but even so i don't know what the venue's sound setup is
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Companies: we need workers so bad!! Theres a worker shortage and we desperately need people please apply please work for us please please please
Me: ok sure what do i need to do to apply
Companies: ok so you need 3 years experience in this exact job so we dont have to train you!!
Me: uhhh no but i have 4 years retail experience and this job I want is literally just slightly higher paying retail
Companies: ok do you have a masters degree
Me: did i mention this is basically higher paying retail?? Why would i have a masters degree for this specific thing, all it involves is talking to customers and pointing them to places and maybe cleaning or working a register. All of which i have 4 years experience doing
Companies: well then sorry but youre not qualified, you need experience AND a masters degree
Me:
Companies: WHY WON'T ANYONE WORK FOR US WE NEED WORKERS SO BAD
Me: I'd be a great worker if you'd be willing to spend like a week training me but go off I guess
#i dont see why i would need a masters degree for like working the children and teens section of the library#correct me if theres something im missing here but like#mostly i need to be able to clean and shelve books and tell people where to find books#maybe give book recommendations#maybe help people navigate the website or get help with their own personal devices#thats mostly what librarians do right#this isnt only about my local library btw its about several other unrelated jobs mostly that involve customer service at a front desk#but literally tho ive been a library aid for like 4 years and have done retail also for 4 years#and back in high school i apparently checked out the most books of anyone in the school (3 daily)#i can give recommendations for books in the children and teens section easy#especially manga thats also in the teens section#literally i think i would be so good at this job why do i need a masters#i get it if theyre worried about me not being bilingual but come on#and the other jobs again just stick me at the desk and give me like 1 or 2 weeks training and I'll prolly be good to go#please just give me a job i just need somewhere i can work long term while working on art on the side#is that too much to ask#sorry if this is negative or sounds like a vent post i just think its annoying that everyone complains about a worker shortage#and then turns away applicants with bachelors degrees just cuz they dont have experience with their one specific job#idk i dont get it
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Dude.. my ex boyfriend totally did get me into conspiracy theory shit, even if unintentionally (i think its intentional im sure he believed in that shit. Would not surprise me at all.) At the time i was already pretty isolated from anyone online who mightve countered any of my dumb spiritual or alien related beliefs because of some dumb shit i said online making most of the friends and followers i made online generally avoid me, depending on who it was. I was just a regular pagan and then he showed me this weird video with all this weird conspiracy theory symbolism in it. I looked it up later on and looked up the meaning of the symbolism and came across a whole bunch of stuff posing itself as Secret Information The US Govt Doesnt Want You To Know About, etc. And then i just fell deeper into the conspiracy theory pipeline, traded my paganism for new age beliefs, and goddamn dude. Like we both got suspended from school bc he had a dumb idea to dumb shit there and i spent my time in detention fucking. Trying to read "the emerald tablets" or whatever tf. Its all coming back to me rn.
#anyways im not about to let yall make me feel guilty for falling in this direction anymore bc i was fuckin 14 and didnt know SHIT about us#politics aside from lgbt ppl deserve rights and to live like everyone else and same w all the other minorities (even tho i probably still#had issues i needed to work on around those things. still generally i wouldve considered myself progressive but apolitical)#and i was already at the time rejecting my christian upbringing and trying out satanism and paganism and such and so#i had a very rebellious mindset at the time. i also hated authority so the first antiesrablishment thing i saw i clung to bc it was#*close enough* to how i felt. none of that shit ever outwardly stated (at the time at least) that anything was abt jewish ppl and i was#filling in the parts about 'child sex rings' to be about christians bc thats how i knew them to be like. it just like. seems so obviously#something a christian would try to do. like a creepy priest or something. i imprinted my own meaning onto it#im not saying it was good but i definitely didnt go into it and stick to it for reasons some ppl might wanna believe#i was way more on the spiritual leaning side and the ~secret spiritual meaning~ of the world. like the flower of life or fuckin.#shit like how theres. idk. a fucking disc or something thats supposed to go on top of the great pyramids that super enlightened#people can only navigate like a spaceship or some shit?#idk the mythology of it all really fucking enraptured me. and i still liked the reptilians even tho they were supposed to be evil and#apparently an antisemitic dogwhistle. i thought it was the annunaki or whatever i was supposed to hate. at least.#the opinions were pretty mixed back then. admittedly i didnt really look up other ppls opinions on that stuff other than articles ppl wrote#like no forums or anything really. which is probably a very good thing i avoided those lol. regardless i thought of the reptilians#as being more neutral but generally looking out for themselves kinda like. the way a reptile would ig. but now that ik its a dog whistle#it really took a the magic out of all of that stuff for me :/ im disillusioned to say the least lol.#all that new age shit was appropriation. christianity rebranded. or weird shit people made up about atlantis or whatever sjjsksks#my favorite was the oceanis one where theres a star system where whales and dolphins come from#like that one was my favorite to believe in dhdjjsksksbdhs#imagine being on a star planet diving around in the sea of light u_u anyways it still sounds fun shsjskskwne.#i hope that one is at least more tame. though im sure its still somehow connected to everything else which im p sure it is#dude all of this information is just resurfacing about all of this shit. i could totally write a whole thing about all the conspiracy#theories i learned about. i might if only to make fun of it all sjdjksksks#yall ever heard of FUCKING david willcocks????#his willing cocks???????#his fucking ass#and gaia FUCKING tv#all that dumb shit
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Why is it always where do you work or what school do you attend and not what kind of unrelenting horrors have you been dealing with lately or what kind of tragedies have you been lamenting these days
#i went to this Halloween party and it was just. i felt bad just doing this🧍 the entire night and not socializing#but really. i was masked and it was loud and people gave up when they couldn't hear me or get my name the first try lmao#and by this point I'm tired of pronouncing my name for everyone who can't deal with a pocs name#and I'm not willing to take off my mask bc who da hell even are u guys#so i was just 🧍 but somehow won the costume contest even tho ppl were whispering to each other about what our costume was supposed to be#idk maybe y'all should ask instead of whispering where i can hear you clearly 😭#and it was weird bc my partner clearly did not want to hang out with these people either but just. brought me there and I'm just like why#what's the point. saving face? bleughhh idk I'm just grumpy bc i didn't get to have dinner to go to this thing#and the only meal option they had was like. food that doesn't agree with my stomach and also I ain't taking my mask off around these guys#it was not an enjoyable experience I've been to worse college parties#but the difference is I'm older and I'm not gonna get peer pressured into staying somewhere in not comfortable yk#idk the ppl there were nice but I'm just?? hi who the hell are you and you still don't know my name and I'm not repeating it#when ur just gonna forget#< u gotta make effort to let ppl know u#but have u considered. I'm tired of ppl knowing me#why do u wanna know#if ur just gonna know me superficially I'd much rather be unknown#going back to my original question of why is it always where do you work and what do you do#bc where i work is the last thing i wanna talk about on a Saturday night#oops emotionally slutty hours
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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#yellin into the void#idk man i gotta ramble#i lose my mind a little every time i dont leave the house for a bit every couple of days#looking for a new job makes me wanna claw my eyes out a little even thinking about it and ive sent out so many applications#and given my cv to so many people that the silence back is even worse#oh and im losing my mind enough that it feels like im annoying all of my best friends and my brothers even tho ik all of them would say#and it wouldnt even be mean ik that they know they can just tell me im being annoying nd id stop but they dont nd i love them#partly bc ik they actually would bdhrh#nd its not fair to assume ik how they feel nd ik that but im going insane it feels like and talking myself into knots bc??#i just. fuckin hate it when ik i should be doing stuff - important shit even - and instead my brain is trying to convince itself#everyone hates me?? god just. idk man i need a job bc my brain like. tears itself into shreds if im not working#but while im working my physical health gets fuck bc i 1. dk where my limits are#nd 2. my limits are slowly getting worse bc of the several chronic issues#idk man this feels like a thing to not yell about in servers bc it always gets to this#and i dont wanna worry anyone#(margie im so fuckin sorry if you see this my brain is being a dick tonight)
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🦋
#the pros of caving&opening my pro email for the first time in waaaaay too fucking long:#nice messages from nice clients that had no other way to contact me wishing me well. nice prince fan who paid for#topical pics on princes birthday one year for example lmao. another one who paid for these icarus themed#shots that are still some of my fave lmao. i have nice interactions sometimes.#the cons of opening my pro email for the first time in waaaay too long bc i was specifically avoiding it bc i had a feeling this had#already happened: two v specific ppl found it&now theres no way i can trust any emails i get there lmao.#seriously debating just not making another one lmao i do not NEED repeat clientele on that level right now.#but it does make the work siginifantly safer. idk..#annooooooyedddddddd w myselfffffff i have bad interactions too&those ones seem way more frequent#&last way fucking longer i am losing track of the fucking idiots i need to remember to hide from its been years leave me alone#i am going to fucking scream i have genres of morons to flip thru if any of you fucks are reading this right now know i hate#you. neither of the two who found that email know about my tumblr tho i think so its like a moot point lmao.#im pretty sure one did get my ig nuked tho thats what the email made it sound like#so i guess that answers that question lmao.#BLAH i am going to get v high&scream into a pillow now anyway good morning everyone#i cant tell if my meds are being disrupted by my moods or if this is just what having a personality is lmao#&i regret literally nothing in my life but some ppl make it pretty damn close when i think about whether or not i would go back&#instead of speaking to them at all perhaps walk directly into traffic lmao. but y'know.#... just girly things?
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I’m sure the ways I go about creating would distress some people (not in a horrible way but someone would definitely look at how I do things like “wtf. Why”)
#random post#like the fact I write down NOTHING#literally NOTING is written down#if I DO write something down. it’s on my tumblr and everyone can see it#but other than that. I don’t take notes or write on paper to keep track of things#which. definitely causes difficulties sometimes LOL but like. I just keep everything in my head since the dawn of time and it’s been#decently ok XD of and the order in which I fill out a sketch page gets ppl going like 👀 why#cus I start top left then go bottom left. top then bottom right. which icks or confuses some people but it works for me so whatever#and when I draw I pretty much completely draw out the face before everything else#so if I can’t get anything else to look right I’ll just have a really nice face or maybe a bust 😭#lolol I really wish to be able to draw with my friends#y’all can laugh at how I go about things#I’m very. idk the word but I’m very not normal and have a funny expressive way of going about things#sometimes I talk to my drawing like it can hear me 😭’why are you like this wtf are you doing you dumb butt stupid face I love you’#making faces at my drawing like it understands. I don’t *always* do that tho#sometimes I’m just completely immersed and zoned tf out for hours and then I come back to an entire mini comic thing#sorry for novelizing the tags again kshshdhssb <3 I’m just having bed time thoughts as per usual
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