#idk if this is venty or not. i just need to put it down somehwere. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mothbug · 2 years

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spent a lot of time this summer thinking a lot about how im actually a lot more disabled than i thought i was and that waking up every morning with the level of pain, discomfort, and exhaustion that i do isnt like. the norm. and how ive pushed myself past the point of discomfort while in the presence of others and ended up being kind of rude to them or losing my patience a lot more easily. its weird how thats the part im focusing on and not the fact that i can probably never live in exactly the way i wish i could, but idk. i feel very bad about it.

#like at some point after every spoon has been melted down for parts. the things that normally would be funny or just friendly banter get so.#like. grating? or something. everything just gets too much so fast after being fine a moment before #there are some people this doesnt happen with but there are some it does #i need to get better at like. noticing when i need to stop.#in other news im having so many feelings about my fatigue issues and the fact that like. i can only do a fifth of the things most people can #in one day. that really is sinking in now and it does not feel good.#and im going into stem (ive wanted to my whole life) but i really dont know if im like. physically capable of achieving what i want to.#idk if this is venty or not. i just need to put it down somehwere.#i remember going like. 'since i feel sick and bad all the time i worry one time something will actually be serious and i wont notice' and #my friends were like percy WHAT. andthat really did make me realize some things

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