#idk im still not sure. just sth to keep in mind in case you do end up sending something

[megacarapa]

😲😲 send me sth if you want! 🐢❤️

[dansevilpianotea]

tw suicidal thoughts/ im not sure if you can relate to this but my parents have been telling me that i believe things that i make up in my mind even if its not the case since i was little, they told me this when i told them that i dont believe in religion, when i came out, when i said i wanted to die and the list goes on. and im guessing because of that, ive been thinking that im making it up as well, but deep down i know what i feel. i know who i am. and i know it'll be okay- we'll be okay ❤️

i kinda relate to that anon, like my dad would probably say that aswell but i'd never actually tell him personal stuff because i was too afraid of what he might say.

i think for me it was in a way bc my dad is emotional manipulative and his sister is a lesbian and he doesn't want to accept that. growing up he 1.) forbid us to talk about her ever 2.) said homophobic stuff, found photos of her and her ex (a man), joking around that she can't be gay because she was with a man (fellas did you know you have to dislike men if ur into women?) .

sometimes my dad's homophobia also infected me and i hated my aunt which is seriously the worst thing of it all, because she and her wife are so amazing, truly gay icons.

i believe what you describe can be a very dangerous behavior of your parents, because they're deeply messing with your head. they tell you that they think they know you better than you do, other than be proud of you of how courageous you are that you could share these things with them. but you can't as a parent seriously be like "no they're just making it up" simply because you can't accept that they might actually be right (also why the hell would you make up being the member of an oppressed group, being suicidal or not believing in religion?? yeah love me some pain, depression and abandonment ✨) .

i sometimes feel like i'm making it up because i never really gave a fuck, like i was never ashamed about liking girls and i had such a lovely welcome into this community and safe space that i feel like i'm just gay because all people on phannie tumblr are gay. which is just as ridiculous as it sounds but i feel like sometimes what if i'm just doing this for attention and it's like easier to like girls because they are prettier idk not to mention my personal track record of my attraction to boys that's incredibly confusing etc.., . in my opinion all these excuses are the conclusions of an intense misogynistic and male focused society that we grew up in. because women are/were supposed to be a men's cooking and cleaning side kick, like women had to be with men, we were told this from the beginning of our life's. it takes so much courage and strength to see behind society's homophobic walls and see the issues in it and i still struggle with it, i keep on fighting but it's not an easy one.

it's a lot of things that still go through my head right now, but i'm gonna end it here because this post is way too long and i'm scared the tumblr app will mess sth up, but thank you for this ask ❤️. as you said we'll just have to keep on fighting with the cishet focused society and with the demons within us that this society created, but we are not alone in this fight. we will make each other strong and educate people and change the laws that made tons of lgbtq+ and other minorities life's significantly harder in the past.

i love you all lots. <3 🏳️‍🌈

[foyernormanchapel]

something that im struggling with

it could be that im crazy but

i’m not sure if it’s ever appropriate for a foreigner to come into another country and preach about the need to change certain social mores

im not talking about politics. like say a country is committing human rights abuses, locking up political prisoners, or shutting down newspapers then hell yeah whether foreigner or not go blast that country. come blast my country!! i welcome you to do it!!

but with social mores. idk why it always comes off high-horsey and disingenuous. and i struggle with this because this social more is definitely discriminatory and i want it off the surface of my country but we do have nascent, indigenous conversation about it, however faint and inadequate it may seem to foreigners. and there are fellow countrymen who are working at human rights organisations, doing social activism to fix these issues. and i just dont know what it is i want to say to this certain foreigner who however benignly often tells stories about how he had a talk with this one misguided korean and he changed his mind cause u see ~the only problem in korea is that ‘there is no conversation going on about it’~ but there is. and call me crazy but it feels patronising for a foreigner to come and only talk about this certain issue all the damn time. like no socio-political contextual analysis, just 24/7 blasting how bad the state of affairs is in this country save for the occasional pockets of enlightened koreans who know better

so i try to examine myself: when i was living in the gulf did i notice abuse against migrant workers, its own blend of racism, discrimination against minorities. well yeah. but did i ever feel like i have the right to like... create a platform and make it my brand to crusade against those issues? like no...... no cause im not a citizen there. and im sure there are no, i know for a fact that there are people who actually have tied their fates to these countries and are working hard to better these issues. they know so much more and care so much more than i ever will

so what about the u.s. i went to college there, my cultural reference points and consumption patterns are heavily american. have i bitched about trump, or shitty american foreign policy? yes ofc!! but have i ever felt like preaching to ALL OF americans about how they’re doing something wrong, nay how they’re thinking something wrong??? i honestly dont think so. cause it doesnt make much sense. no it looks ridiculous and i think that speaks to the kind of usual power dynamic that exists between the people getting told off, and the outsiders telling them off

so now i go back to this foreign commentator who has this huge platform and keeps talking the messed up shit in korea. yes it is objectively messed up, and i don’t think the right to point out messed up shit should exclusively belong to citizens/ethnic descendants/ppl who have married into citizens/super long time residents etc.. whatever the criteria is for ‘people who have actual stakes in that country’. but STILL still there is a part of me that is profoundly annoyed. is it just chauvinism on my part? i will admit i have occasional flashes of emotional patriotism that i loathe and am trying to eliminate completely. so it may very well be the case that im being a pressed korean but man i just want to tell him just once, ‘yay... you saved yet another korean from prejudice... good for you raphael, u foreign stranger who is supposedly a journalist but only ever reposts and translates articles about the scandalous weird shit that happens in my country’ like just once i wanna tell him and see what happens lol.

again i could be totally crazy and being a pressed idiot. i admit that possibility

idk... sth sth about ‘’’universal values’’’’ and their v contextual political, historical makings... sth sth 

stuff im not smart enough to think through/study about

sigh

[janiedean]

(part 1) ur gonna roast me for this but im legit curious why mafia AUs are so bad? im asking in a non confrontational way, i get it romanticizing mafia is wrong, but i also believe that 1)most mafia AUs are a really toned down type of mafia;2)they do make for some interesting kinds of dynamics with fanart and with fics; 3)in a fic specifically u can create your own world and call something mafia and still make it so they don't kill innocent people but only idk members of other gangs or sth

(part 2) plus theyre a way to put ur charas in a completely diff context and see what theyll do. i mean i dont believe that writing ships in a certain context (like mafia) equals romanticizing that context. mafia AUs arent even my fav things to read (in fact i almost never do), im sure many ppl romanticize it and i obvs dont agree with that but im just trying to udnerstand bc i believe fandoms are a way to explore things that we normally wouldnt.

I’m not gonna roast you don’t worry xD okay wait let me check if I replied to this already if yes I’m gonna c/p because it’s half past midnight otherwise I’ll just go at it again wait *checks tags* fff obviously I don’t have a general post but anyway pls read this after you’ve done with my post and then this which is also choke-full of links. plus for a (not nice) laugh: here. AH WAIT I FOUND THE POST.

okay, so, let’s have it out of the way: I have nothing against mob aus or crime aus. I have a problem against calling them mafia AUs because in the US mafia = organized crime at large, in Italy mafia = ACTUAL EXISTING ORGANIZATIONS THAT ARE ACTIVELY HARMFUL. now that I introduced the topic I’ll c/p you the reply I gave to another anon who while discussing the issue pointed out that most writers don’t even know Italian mafia is a thing, which is pretty much on the same discourse so...

*The thing is - in the US it might not be enough of a deal anymore and I honestly do get why people make the mafia = regular mobsters, since the mafia was the first foreign organized crime being exported to the US via italian immigrants (sorry if this sounds horrible in English but I just woke up and I still didn’t have coffee) so I understand that mafia became the umbrella term.But the thing is that - as you said, these people don’t even know that there’s a mafia in Italy anymore or where the word comes from.

 I’m going to link to italiansreclaimingitaly’s tag about the mafia and its perception outside Italy because they posted about this extensively and it’s an excellent resource, but meanwhile I’m gonna do a very short bullet point list and about the topic:

Mafia might not be a big deal in the US, but it still is here. We have the beauty of four different mafias (Cosa Nostra - the Sicilian one, camorra which is the one in Campania but has tendrils spread everywhere, the 'ndrangheta which is in Calabria and the Sacra Corona Unita in Puglia) which are all active [especially camorra and 'ndrangheta] and whose actions have direct impact (negative) on our economy and on our society. Actually mafias are one of the main reasons we’re currently economically fucked up, and if I start talking about how mafia culture keeps some areas literally backwards I could talk about it for three months.

There are still people who are killed for standing up against them. These days the most prominent personality is Roberto Saviano who is a writer who dared to put together a book documenting minutely the way camorra works and he’s been living under protection for years by this point. Like, they want him dead because he wrote a book. And I’m sorta sure that he was talking about leaving Italy and going to the US after years of sticking with it here because he can’t take it anymore but I don’t know if it was a taken decision or if it’s still debating it.

It wasn’t even thirty years ago that we had the stragi di mafia - in english it’d be something like the mafia slaughters, basically around the beginning of the nineties there were a number of bombs planted by the mafia targeting people who were trying to oppose it including judges Falcone and Borsellino, actually the anniversary of Falcone’s death is like... tomorrow. And they’ve killed people for way longer than that. Here is a list of only Cosa Nostra victims including the ones from the eighties/nineties. And people are still dying because of it. The slaughters I’m referring to are just the ones in the nineties which are enough of a number.

They also perpetuate a culture where if you testify against your mafia-employed relatives you’ll be shunned forever. There are women who testified against their families and couldn’t see their children anymore never mind that they weren’t automatically considered a relative anymore the moment they sided against the mafia. Some people have committed suicide after becoming witnesses also because our police force/justice system can be terribly non-supportive in this kind of situation so they got left on their own. Never mind that back in the day - it was the beginning of the nineties? - I recall at least a particular story of - I think, correct me if I remember wrong but I can’t remember the names for the life of me - where this guy testified against the local mafia when he either used to work for them or was forced to pay them the pizzo and in retaliation his six-year old (or five? Anyway he had a son younger than ten for sure) got kidnapped, killed and thrown into acid to dispose of the body. That happened in what, 1993? 1994? It’s pretty much yesterday. And now the camorra is doing the same - there’s a list here of camorra victims among which accidental passerbys that got killed because they were in the way which I can tell just by glancing is not complete. And I’m not even going into the 'ndrangheta. That is to say, here mafia still kills people and cripples our country.

Now, I get that it’s a word, but the point was: let’s say that instead of the Italians the Japanese came to the US first and the umbrella word for organized crime was yakuza rather than mafia and let’s say yakuza was still what it was originally in Japan while in the US it stopped being a big deal and people write yakuza!AU instead of mafia AU. Let’s say someone Japanese gets angry at that and goes like 'listen the yakuza is a real deal it does this this this and that and it’s a plague in our country so can you please at least look it up before writing your fanfic’, which is what had happened way back then when this whole mafia and fanfic thing blew up. A bunch of people told us to get over it because it’s just a word and if it’s a problem in Italy it’s not in the US so why should they care? Now, if we had been Japanese (or Chinese or Russian or Mexican) would they have said the same thing? Considering the general tumblr attitude I’m pretty sure they would have received either an apology or 'this is an important deal let’s keep that in mind’ with signal boost reblogs and stuff. 

It’s the fact that we should get over people not knowing that it’s still a real problem for us and that they can’t take five seconds to google it that is the problem imo. Especially when instead of mafia au you can just say mobsters au or tag it as organized crime and everyone is a lot happier, mostly because as the tag above explains romanticising the mafia is a good thing for them because it means they can act outside Italy with less stigma because everyone thinks that the mafia is dead or not relevant anymore, if I’m explaining myself. (And it’s active outside Italy - like, there was a mafia kill in Germany in 2007 where six people died (sorry the link is in Italian but there isn’t an English wiki page, if you look the city up you’ll find something probably) and it was because of the 'ndrangheta.

I’d really like to not get worked over it because it meant it was a thing of the past y'know, but the problem is that it isn’t and I’d rather spread some awareness in hope some of these writers look it up (because it’s a good thing that people know what mafia is since as stated they have tendrils everywhere - if you read Saviano’s book the entire first chapter is about how camorra regularly deals with Chinese import/export in Italy for one) than shrug and figure that since they’ll think everything is good for fanfic then it’s not even worth my time.*

Now, ^^^ that was the c/p-ed reply that should answer most of your doubts. What I didn’t address was:

im sure many ppl romanticize it and i obvs dont agree with that but im just trying to udnerstand bc i believe fandoms are a way to explore things that we normally wouldnt.

aaaand as we say here in Italy, this is where the donkey falls (sorry we have weird sayings), because in theory there’s nothing wrong with that... except that in 99% of the mafia aus I’ve seen around the thing is that they’re supposed to be cute.

like, I see a lot of shit with TINY MAFIA BOSS STEVE ROGERS with RUSSIAN ENFORCER BUCKY (????? bucky isn’t even russian???) and the yoi thing I saw before had the japanese character being the leader of a russian mafia gang which is... like... guys it doesn’t happen it really doesn’t, and a lot of them re-use wrongly terminology taken from the godfather without context or knowing what the hell it means, and it’s always from the criminals’ pov and they’re somehow seen as criminals doing justice where the police can’t (???) and like... no. mafia bosses/enforcers/employees are bad people period, and at least here if you try to leave or repent they kill your family in retribution. like, not even ten years ago there’s been a woman who used to belong to a mafia family (or one colluded with the mafia) who testified and her entire town/family shunned her and she couldn’t take it anymore and... killed herself drinking acid if I don’t recall wrong. it’s not even special cases. this shit is not funny, it’s not cute, it’s not adorable and it’s not good fodder for your imagine your otp scenario (srsly I saw one like.. let me find it,

LIKE. just look at this shit. in a regular context, the enforcer goes to the show owner to force them to pay a monthly sum to their boss lest they destroy their shop and their lives and their family’s life never mind that mafia culture is deeply homophobic so the mafia enforcer flirting with the shopkeeper is like completely fucking out of the question. I mean, people here like to shit on the sopranos but that show was actually excellent representation of Horrid Criminals Who Were Never Supposed To Be Good People and the small arc that happened when one of tony’s friends turned out to be gay (closeted) was REALLY well done. btw, it ended that when they found out he was gay most of the crowd rejected him and thought badly of him until I think they killed him also for other reasons, but that spiraled from finding out he liked dick. and that’s american mafia that they actually based on well-done research of the culture in Italy it came from, I assure you that here it doesn’t work that differently. like. the shit above is so inaccurate and frankly offensive, it’s like... I get people romanticizing problematic stuff but the thing is that when you tell them that it’s actually offensive you get brushed off as ‘ah well you’re being too sensitive it’s just a word u__u’. now, I’m all for exploring shit we wouldn’t be into, but not like THAT, because that’s like mafia romantic comedy and that’s not how it works. now, you wanna do a fic where the mafia characters are deeply flawed and bad people and the police tries to catch them? fine, great, go ahead. you wanna do a fic where the enforcer above deals with dunno an entire life of internalized homophobia when he finds the shopkeeper attractive and feels conflicted over having to con money out of him and doing horrible shit for a living and maybe understanding that crime isn’t worth it and then he actually collaborates with the police and gets shit from about everyone he knows and loves for that? okay, awesome, go ahead. nothing bad in that.

but the shit above is not exploring things we wouldn’t/writing darkfic, it’s THINKING THAT A CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION WHICH IS STILL A THING IN OUR PART OF THE WORLD IS CUTE AND ADORABLE. and that only plays in their favor because it takes the bad aura out of the word and we really should not let that happen. like. that is what is bad about mafia aus and mafia discourse, that people don’t realize the mafia is alive and well and thriving and not a thing that doesn’t exist or a generic word for organized crime.

you wanna write the shit above? okay, CALL IT CRIME AU or mob au, not mafia au.

btw, add-on: idk if I mentioned it in the above post or not, but in case I didn’t, I said that people would balk at the idea of a mexican cartel au. sadly since then I’ve found out a fandom where not only there is one but it’s also extra cutesy and people apparently love it and it has a bunch of kudos/comments and idek I’m not even touching that with a ten foot pole but like... I’ve avoided it and everything that author wrote because to me it’s just... nope. like, nope. if you do mafia aus don’t make them fucking cute. (also: in the same fandom I had to mute a v. famous fanartist whose art I actually liked but did cutesy mafia aus and.. like... haahahhaahahahahaha nah sorry. can’t go there. nope.)

[infnthoya]

Hello my favorite Howon stan

stuff, not at all... hah. Why am i like this. Actually there is.. if you don't mind of course.. something has been bothering me lately. and it's about Infinite. And since I am not really.. familiar with.. other wonderful people in this fandom.. and also because you have always been so nice to me and you are overall an amazing person I thought that maybe I can use your kindness a little.. I am so sorry if I am making you uncomfortable right now, feel free to ignore this message.It's just.. their contract is expiring and I am afraid if I'll ever be able to see them on stage again. Like together...

MY SWEET POLISH ANON IS HEREEEE!!! okay i really dont know where to start but let me first say... I LOVE YOU!!! seriously i cant find words to describe how happy you make me every time you send me messages! 

you might ask “then why didnt you include all my messages above?”, the reason is, YOU ARE BEING SO UNFAIR TO YOURSELF!!! you are saying too many bad things about yourself and i didnt want other people to see those. I AM OFFICIALLY FORBIDDING YOU FROM PUTTING YOURSELF SO DOWN ALRIGHT???

ive been going thru a shitty time for more than half a year now. i mean i wish i could be positive and all (becuz right now i feel like im whining like a baby and seeking attention) but thats the truth with me. nothing is going well and actually everything keeps going worse and worse and im just waiting for things to stop sucking so much :D as for tumblr, i havent been checking my dash for over 3 months. but i do check my activity page often so i can also see if i have any messages. (tho there is almost nothing going on lol) i dont feel like giffing either and for that, id like to apologize everyone! im really sorry for disappointing you guys :( i wish i could keep on providing you stuff like you were expecting me to do but i really cant bring myself to do it. i hope things will get a little better soon and i get some joy inside me and start giffing again. 

as for your question my dear, few days ago i saw on twitter that all members -except one, visited woollim building. and there were news on websites that woollim said that its most likely that the members will renew their contracts. but like i said there is one member who is nowhere to be found and that member is *drumroll* LEE HOWON! lol yeah so there havent been any news about him (or at least i havent seen except a fan spotted him in front of a night club in hongdae a few days ago) and it makes me think that maybe they are waiting for him to go meet the ceo so they can release more detailed stuff about “ot7″. but let me tell you that you arent alone for being worried, there are quite a lot of fans who are waiting nervously. if you ask me, idk if its becuz kpop has mostly lost its importance in my life due to my current situation or not but i dont feel worried. if they stay together, ofc i’ll be happy and keep supporting them like i used to do but if they decide to disband, i wont feel bad either becuz they are pretty old right now so they might wanna go into whatever else career they would like and i’ll support them for that too. but since you, and many others, will feel sad in case of a disbanding, i hope they will stay together for many more years. and lastly, i only told you what i saw on twitter but i didnt do any other “research” about the issue so if there is any other person who has more info and would like to share it, please do share :)

i really wish i could give you a more definite and happy answer but thats all i know for now :( but i hope you wont feel sad about this whole thing. and you are always welcome to come to me and let anything off your chest. as for contacting each other, i am and will forever see you as an amazing person becuz even tho i did nothing to deserve it, one day you came to me out of the blue and said all those amazing things and made me the happiest person! and you have been doing it ever since and like i said, i didnt even do anything to deserve it! all i used to do here was to blog about kpop idols but you keep coming to me and lifting my mood up like a rocket and i really dont know how to thank you! so i dont want you to feel pressured about it, like i said i check my activity often so i’ll see your messages here as well but if you (and any of my followers) want to talk to an old, boring soul like me, my kakaotalk id is bigwideeyes (my twiter id is the same and my ig is bigwideyes you see im very creative!)

gah i really hope you can read this honey. well i always tag you as “Polish anon” so that you (and i) can track our convos^^; i wish you ALL THE BEST in the world! i hope whatever you are busy doing, is sth that you are enjoy doing. im sending you huge virtual hugs ~(^3^)~ always be healthy and happy

ah! i almost forgot! so idk if you knew about it but ot7 had gone to japan some time ago and they had interviews there (as always). one of the questions was “whats the place/country that suits your atmosphere the best?” and Howon said POLAND! lol he really loved it there, im a little jealous :P if you ever spot him there, please let me know okay? i count on you since you are my favorite anon hahaha

[therewas-a-girl]

What do u like about Wildqueen?

Anon i love that u asked me this question (i cant sleep so this is great).

Rene is ex military; he was dishonorably discharged for doing sth morally questionable because of something he believed he had to get done. He regrets that deeply (though im not sure he regrets what he did as much as the results of it), as seen in the episode after he was tortured, and he is haunted by his failures , which he sees as a sort of chain that make up his life.

now, thea knows how that feels. She would be able to relate to the discipline, to the dedication that might be ingrained into someone from a military background. and also to bending of general morals to get shit done and/or compromising herself and her integrity for something. (Because she did go with Merlyn, compromising herself cause she wanted to be stronger) I don’t think she would hold what he did against him, or judge him; nor would he hold it against her that she did sth very daring to get control of her life again.

Both Rene and Thea tried doing good with what they were left with, after their failures/tragedies/disappointments. Here is where Rene and Thea might have interesting discussions though, because the WHY of this varies for them. Thea’s morality is much more fluid than Rene’s, I feel. Rene seems to have the whole ‘this is right and this is wrong’ thing going on, while Thea seems more of a ‘this is right for now cause it gets the job done or works for me’ kinda girl. (she has limits obviously) She is not really a joiner or a by-the-system kind, while Rene was military. [what could have possibly prompted a man with such contempt for anyone telling him what to do, to join the military? maybe he was running away from something  - his family situation  - and saw the military as his only escape?] I don’t think he really like being within a structure that tells u what to do, though he could have made friends and found a family of his own there. After his discharge and what prompted it, its also just as probably that he is very disappointed/disillusioned by it. (Personally i doubt that he likes being part of a hierarchy because he has serious authority issues which thea shares and in both cases it stems from parental abuse). Anyway i just know that when it comes to why they do the stuff they do, or why he does and she stopped, those two could have some interesting conversations.

Not to mention that they both would totally relate to each other when it comes to the fuckton of trauma they have been through. Just once i would like to see someone react humanly - as in, the way I do, not the way arrow characters react to fucked up shit that happens to that - to what Thea has been through. I mean, can u imagine? Rene would lose his shit if he knew that

‘yeah i was stabbed through the heart with a sword and almost died and then took a dip into a magic hottub and then got super bloodthirty and THEN ALMOST DIED AGAIN FROM THAT SAME WOUND". ‘u were stabbed.’'Yeah’'Through the chest’'Yup’'By an actual sword? ’*a beat* 'what kind of fucktard psycho uses a sword? ’'oh u would be so surprised. Actually thats bad. With the kind of record the team has, u need to learn to handle one.’'A sword? o_O R u shittting me??’'I shit u not’'Wait wait wait. You took a dip into this pit and now youre like… alive. ’'Yeah’'…dude… thats way weirder than im prepared to handle.’'I KNOW RIGHT!!! ’

(Idk what that up there is, ignore it. Itbsounds more like me talking to thea 😂)

Rene is instinctively protective of those that he percives as needing protection. He went against olivers orders to help a little girl who was in danger in the II ep; because he probably didnt even think about what the Green Arrow would say or do to him. But he also treated Evelyn as an equal and never babied her. (Cause arrow forgot she was a kid but anyway). Thea would most definitely apriciate that and also find it highly refreshing after olivers constant worrying about her and malcolm taking away her agency at every point.

Not to mention that Rene is exactly the kind of dude to find Thea’s ability to kick his ass with one hand behind her back incandescently hot. U gotta respect a guy who respects and is turned on by female power.

He fights hard for what he wants - he is determined and Thea would respect that cause so is she.

Also notice how he always kept his flirting very casual, never pushy never putting anything on her, mostly fun. Cause thats a good point in his favour and would be in Thea’s books too. And how she dismisses him but in a kinda half amused half annoyed way. Its rather hilarious. And i love that despite her shooting him down he never gets bitter about it. Those two times he just kept on smiling. I bet their flirting would be so agressively playful.

He is very observant (as far as I’ve noticed he is the only one that brings in the evidence for felicity) and im thinking he is very good at noticing when ppl change patterns of behavior. he didnt realize what the change meant in Evelyn, in terms of emotions, but he was able to pinpoint exactly /when/ it had happened: after they learned oliver was a the Hood. —> Thea is super smart emotionally and has this amazing radar about when ppl’s *feelings* shift. Oliver and moira never fooled her with their 'were gonna pretend for theas sake’ shtick. She didnt know why but she knew sth is up. That’s great material there. Id be willing to explore that. The good and the bad. The way they might pick up on each other’s moods, tendencies. Good and bad days. The different ways they would notice stuff about each other: Rene by noticing when she does things differently, when she deviates from her routine. Thea noticing when he is angry or happy or annoyed about something, learning how to associate his expressions with his feelings. The two of them baffling each other on how they notice these little things that the other wouldn’t think to notice about anyone, or that they didn’t think anyone noticed about them.

It’s fun to think about.

Rene is exeptionally straightforward and honest. Thea would love that about him. Both would speak their mind frankly to each other since neither is more sensitive than the other.

Rene seems to concentrate on things he does well - mostly physical stuff, stuff with his hands (i noticed this in the crosover. While the nerds were doing their own thing rene was calmly sitting down doing his own thing, handling his weapons i think). He’s probably a kinetic learner, like Oliver. And is very comfortable around ppl who do well with their own things, which Rene might have no idea how to do. I just mean that he is comfortable in his own skin and isnt threatened by other people's power or inteligence. (That moment when Felicity delegated to him and Rory to do that analysis thing, and Rene was totally chill admitting he had no idea what felicity had been talking about and that he Rory and Curtis were the smart ones). And this brings me back to Thea being absolutely charmed by this kind of quality because Rene can manage to be sure in himself without being arrogant.

Also circles back to him loving that he can actually learn stuff from her, fighting-wise. And that would really boost Thea’s selfconfidence because i can just see Rene being flirty about it at first and then surprising her by taking her very seriously and truly wanting to learn.  And in turn she would be a good teacher because though not always the most sensitive, Thea is patient. She would love it that he is sure in himself that he would think nothing of asking her to teach him. And that he respects her and her skill to want to learn from her. Something that nobody has asked her before. And in turn, she would notice that he is an amazing team player and that she can actually play off of him when it comes to having a laugh or teasing the other team members cause theyre both sich little shits. (im also thinking that Rene’s specialty in the field would be recon - because he is so good that noticing when the environment changes, and keep track of patters and routes and stuff like that)

Rene was physically abused by his father. Thea was psycologically abused by hers. They would be able to regognise each others hurts and false-steps naturally and it would add another layer of understanding to their relationship but also a kind of tenderness and protectiveness for each other. I feel like neither of them is much of a cudler in the traditional sense of the word but they would be able to understand each others need for affection and the occasional fear of it. I mean - their scars are symetrical in some way so they would understand each others impulses a lot better than most have before them.

Despite his history tho, rene loves kids and seems hopeful about having kids (abused children will tell u that growing up into that kind of person takes strength and most certaily, goodness), which tells me that there is a lot of hope inside that man. Thea seems to be struggling to grasp onto some kind of hope, for a normal life, a normal self, something to give her meaning. They could help each other find that hope within themselves. Rene could have a positive thing or two to share with thea even, since she is more of a stark realist while rene seems to be more positive.

He is so fucking upbeat about things he actually enjoys. Like the christmass sock that evelyn gave him. Remember that smile? How eager he was and how he tore into that gift - that was precious and so pure, in the real sense of the word, not the tumblr one. I think even after all hes seen rene - and i think this is his best character trait - still has that boyish wonder intact. What makes him an idealist no matter how hard he protects himself with that jaded attitude. Hes not jaded - hes pragmatic and has issues.

And thea, oh my god, she needs someone who can really just have fun with her again. Someone who would delight in having a good time, who would love to laugh with her. Who would teach her how to see the wonderous and the joyous in the world again because i think she is having such a hard time this year. (Im very suspitious of the extreme change she has made from last year to this year and how stubborly she clings to this new status quo. Not that she shouldnt want to get away from the violence - that is an a+ reasoning for her. But her stubborness to keep away feels like fear. And i want to know what she isafraid of and why. Why she doubts herself) Im not at all convinced she is doing as well as she fronts and even if she is, she seems so serious all the time. She used to love parties - not the drug and alcohol kind but the 'together with my family and friends’ kind and rene dies too. They would have the most outrageous christmass ever. Thea would totally spoil him with all these eccentric gifts that are rpobably super inner jokes between them and rene would have a blast decorating the tree with her.

The fights would probably be very explosive cause theyre both hotheaded ppl and where thea can admit she was wrong, rene would need a little more work but im willing to bet that it wouldnt be so hard in the face of someone he loves and considers equal to himself (it was harder for him to apologise to oliver cause its a power thing and a dick measuring thing and a pride thing - elements that would be a non issue cause there would be no such disparities with thea)

Theyre also both very physical ppl and very expressive ppl so im guessing sex would be such fun for them and theyd love to try new things and just go for whatever they want.

Look i could go on. But these are all the surface level stuff i could think of. Im sure there is more. For the most part, what got me into thinking i could rly like the idea of them is the fact that around her, rene is a total goofball (i just love how sincere he is in his admiration without once seeming creepy) - i like seeing him like that and i would love to see thea laugh more. I just think they could be good to each otherband that there is a story there.

[preslawsblog-blog]

a short week

I know this is the first thing that i post after last Wednesday and i know that i said that i will keep posting stuff and work but although i didn't it doesn't mean that i didn't attempt to i guess it still counts as sth lets say half point. Basically i started writing the next day but i got interrupted so i saved all i had written in a draft so that next time i start writing i can keep it from where i was. Untill now all my posts were directly written in tumblr so excuse me if sth is not correct but im not doing this anymore probably. So after i got back to work and finnished my post i posted it and idk why but the only thing that appeared on my wall was the first draft that i saved and the rest was gone. Like two days after i wrote it all over again and even more it was like 1500 words and after i posted it it didn't appear on my wall and again all my work was lost idk why and what happened but i was feeling really bad... Basically today i will write all i had written on thise posts cause i remember most of it cause i already wrote it twice. So basically is is also the event of the last week. It was a change of my lifestyle so that i will study more and be more efficient at my studying. I said to myself that i will spend most of my time in the library and gonna go home only when i eat or sleep even i could take a lunch with me so at least i get used to trying to study. Basically i think it was a pretty positive change but honestly im not doing enough work for all the time i spend in the lib so im not efficient enough. I need to be more focused and i need to remove all the distractions. I also need to know what i am doing cause often i just open 5 different works and try to work on all of them  and at the end im not doing anything so at least i know what i need to do and thats what think is so helpful about it. So basically last week on wednesday i wrote my latest post actually i think they were two so I just had that decision to lock myself in the librarry i called it the first day in the bunker and thats how i named my post that i never released. After the lecture i went out to kebab rush so that i take my lunch cause its really easy to get hungry while studying so i had a good lunch with my wriends. After that there was a guest lecture. A very famous and good graphic designes was here to explain some stuff to us. I forgot his name i wrote it down but lost it with my first post. So he was showing us his work and saying why it was good he shiwed us some of his ancient designs from the era before internet. They weren't anything special to me but i bare in mind that there was no internet and media back than so im capable to appreciate it. There were some interesting ideas if maps made for pedestrians on streets and airport things and stuff like that. I think that was insightful but only to kniw it in any case its always good to know where the things came from but honestly i dont think it was worthed. I did learned some stuff but it was really hard for me to focuse. Honestly the lecture was so boring. I sware i was the only one trying to pay attention. Everyone around me were sleeping or scrolling through the facebook news feed. The designer once gave example how somebody said to him to be quiet and said loudly "Shhhhh" And my friends got suddenly scared of that thinkin he says that to them cause they've been talking among them. Although they've been quiet the designes was also quiet and we all were sleepy and was so easy to fall asleep. My tutors didn't like the fact that there werent many people cause it wasn't mandatory and people just don't wanna go to this lectures cause they are straight boring. My tutors didn't stay till the end and probably they had some classes but idk i still think that they were just borred and i think that they just pretend to be interested just to give us the right example cause if they are not should we actually be. See people start to lose interest in these lectures cause they are all boring. Than after that frankly i just wanted to go home but i tryed to make the right decision and go to the library so that i can study. I didn't have my catalogue started. At least the work on computer. But i was having the idea so i didn't have to take time for plans. I started with the basics and that made the illustration... Damn that simple illustration took me soo long at least a few hours after that i was placing the different elements like date and place some text about the exhibition and such things. I couldnt finnish it. It was really hard fir me to concentrate and create interesting ideas the graphic design skills were missing i made everything quite basic. At least the folding was more more interesting so is not the wirst thing ever but i was having a bit more to finish it. I stayed in the lib from like 2 to 9 and than i came come made some food for dinner and for the next day cause i cant afford kebab rush every day i wanna study at the library after uni and also i can't wake up early enough so that i can have breakfast. The next day we were having crits and i woke up on time i wasn't really sleepy but it was raining a lot so i waited to stop and i was late with less than an hour but i got on tine for the crit session. I got some feedback on the catalogue i did the previous day. I also got to talk to Zornitsa. She was guest lately and halping us and giving us some feedback. I was lucky that she was bulgarian as well so we were talking to  each other to more understandable language for me so i got mire insightfull feedback. For now i had changed the type cause of her advice and some other stuff. That was the work that we should have been doing while the others have been doing the gifs for the web site. Damn this site... Before i know that we gotta do coding it  from scratch i thought that im actually having some chances to pass but niw man... I feel so fucked. Basically i hate coding. Everyone hates coding. And if i wanted to study coding i would sign up for programming cause its better paid that design. We are suppesed to learn to code for half a month and all the lessons we are having are once a week and we should also make the camplicate design of a site and code it that way so is not a simple cading and i had never done this. It sucks for me cause even for the lessons that we are having in uni im so far behind  cause in the begining of the course i went to bulgaria for my concert and i was having a bit of a trouble there and missed the first few lessons and than when i was back i just couldn't catch up with the group. Everyone have been doing some crazy stuff and i didn't understand anything. Im also having a dislection and its not only hard for me to read huge amounts of text. Like books and stuff. Here theres no logic context and sentences. Heres signs like dots slashes and colins and stuff. All that so confusing to me end don't get me started on when i make a mistake and i have to find it where is... Is cool that when a code isn't working its says where is the mistake but it takes a lot of copying ant stuff like that. You know thats why i never corect my posts its so hard to find and correct all my mistakes cause i just can't see them. I know it sounds stupid but i guess theres sth wrong with me. Is not that bad im handling in normally but im concerned that i might not be able to pass the module cause if that soecific breaf. The problem is that i should be doing it on my own and all the things i borrow fro another weds i have to mention them so i was planning to save the skeleton of some simple site and than change it like the pics banners and words similar to mine i can at least try but even that is not allowed so im really worried and i aint got no idea what should i be doing maybe i can try doing it my way and than say that it was actually me the one who wrote it its at least possible to pass it like that and if not i cant imagine honestly starting from scrach it will take  ages fir me to finnish it... I will focus now on the other stuff and leave it for latter cause at least i wanna get sth ready. So after the feedback from Zornitsa i was trying to be helpful to my group for the group project for the web site.  I was just standing there for atendance and litterally loosing my time i couldn't understand shit that was happening and i was getting tired of doing nothing and honestly i soent way too much time there i don't think that my team actually needs me but ill be there to help if enything else. Eventually we've been working untill 4 or 5 o'clock and actually i was verry tired so altho this was the second day of the "locked in the bunker" Series i was feeling that we actually had done some work like for the day i was having enough feedback and we had done some parts of the group project on top of that i was quite sleepy and it was a real challenge fir me not to leave. So i came home and on the way back i spread some CVs so i can say that although i didn't go to the library today i had done enough work and was a quite productive day. Honestly i forgot what i was doing the rest of the day but i think that i went to bed a bit more late. Next morning i got up late again, had breakfast and than i played a game that we recently bought and im starting to get quite adicted so i played for a bit. I wanted to go letter to the library to go study so  in order to avoid playing for hours that game and waste my day i put an alarm so that i know when is time to go. I went than to the librarry and i started writing in my blog basically rewriting this post. I was writing it for like an hour and half and than im almost sure that i posted it but.. Yeah i did post it but than i checked my profile to see how it looks like, and i didn't see it at first so i waited a bit. I refreshed the app a bit times rested my internet and i was feeling so bad... At least i know now to write it always on my NOTES app cause there everything i write is saved automatically. So basically i was trying to code my site cause there was no way fir me to start doing all this stuff all over again so i decided to change the topic cause for almost two hours of writing i was soo fed up and i mean... The way im writing is i just pick up my phone i concentrate and  i start instantly writing everything that comes to my mind and is almost with no pauses, maybe only when i need to translate some words but apart from that i am constantly writing and i think that this is one of the little things that i can keep my atention to... maybe its because my phone is much smaller and i can controll where it is and keep my focus where it should be and for the computers in the library they are too big and it takes more of my peripheral sight and amont with it i see other distracting things and.. Idk its just much more easy for my phone to keep my atention instead of the PCs. The only thing thats holding me back from writing in my post is i guess the will to actually start writing its like i know that right now i might be free but i fill probably decude to do sth stupid in the next 10 min and i don't actually wanna spend an hour writing. Good ting would be to write befire i go to bed and orobably i could make this as a habit but right now its rather sth that i wanna do but i never do. So i spent the rest of the day trying to make the code for my site and i saw how hard it actually is to check all the codes and make them work property and i got kinda depressed about it cause honesty idk how im gonna pass it.. Basically untill now  i was focusing more on my other stuff like the catalogue and the poster cause this is a thing that i still have to do and is the most denanding thing cause i need to be in track with the lectures so that im having propper feedback. And this is sth that i learned from the last semester that if i dont have corect feedback than i will have many incorect things and at least when im handing out my breafs i would have talked to my tutors and i would know what they are looking for  to be done and i will have it done till then so if theres anything that i didn't do well i will know it cause they already told me. So thats for friday. Honestly i forgot what i was doing on saturday and sunday i know that one of the days i almost finnished my catalogue at least i made it look better i had my poster almost done basically i dont know what actually i should be doing on it anymore i took Zornitsas advice so i changed the type that i was using and than i repaired the little details. And about the catalogue i ictually folded it and i saw that i was having some technical issues so now i have to repair tham but it wont take too much time. On monday i was working no the modules from my last year and unfortunately on tuesday i couldn't attend on my lectures cause i was having a job interview finally.. It was about a work in a hotel on the road between Coventry and Birmingham. I was instructed to take the bust to go to one of the stops and than i should have been waiting for the hotel minibus that would take me to the hotel. So what happened. I went there an hour earlier so that im sure that everything is all right. Than when the time came i started to look for that car and i didnt see it. I called the hotel number but nobody picked up the phone. I kept looking for it than i saw it going  the oposite direction without to stop. I was calling them again for like 20 min  than a woman picked up the phone. I explained the situation and wanted from her to connect me with the man who sent me the invitation. In another 20 he called me. And told me that in an hour i will have to wait for another car. The point was that i was cold and my hands were blue yet from cold. But i needed that job so i waited for it. This time i instantly saw it and got there. It drove me to the hotel there i saw the man i was having conversation with before. He interviewed me, i think i did well but unfortunately i didn't have enough expirience and depending on the other peoples expirience he will write me in a week if i get the job. The think that worries me i that i lied in my cv that i used to work in a bar for a few months but honestly if i didnt write it i wouldn't be called anyway. He asked me some interesting questions and i got to answer all of them and than i got to talk to him so i tryed to convince him that im actually really good about that job. It was well done. Im really hoping to come up well for me. So than i went home but when i got to the bus station i got the bus the other way to Birmingham. I know... I just can't change. Ive always been like that and i swear im still trying... I got home at 6 it was a long travel. I didn't have time and energy to study so i had a dinner maybe played some game and went to bed and thats basically my last week. I think that it was quite busy and its much more productive than before. I hope that in the future ill get used to being more efficient and productive at what im doing.