#idk man i have an eating disorder since i was fucking 11 i wouldn’t wish ANY of this on anyone

[bittersuitvs]

just saw someone’s post on reddit in which they said that their girlfriend had said during a fight that she was not attracted to her anymore because she has gained weight saying quote-unquote that she let herself go and i honestly want to kill this girl and her entire family

[winecoolr]

I wanna talk about David, and our split cause folk have asked and I’ve given a really short story every time but it’s. A lot. This is a long post and there’s a shit ton to get off my chest so. very fucking long post ahead

Literally everyone knows we’d been together for coming up 5 years, which when you start at 16 is quite a fucking long while and we ended up living together and it was supposed to be great? And at the end of it I’ll say it was at one point a great relationship and we were great together? BUt 

I went away to work a season at a hotel up north last year, and I was gone nearly seven  months, which was the longest we’d ever been apart and it showed me a lot. I smoked and drank and partied all the time, which I had never done, and he used to go absolutely ape at me over it. Granted my communication slipped and had the roles been reversed (as they had been three years prior) I’d have been furious too. But when I quit that job even though i loved it, to move back in with him, it was so different.

We used to go to pubs and talk about getting married and what we’d call our kids and where in the world we’d moved to once he finished his degree (never about when I finished what I wanted to do) and all these things, but after I came back it changed to us going to the pub and he’d drink and accuse me of not loving him and cheating on him while I was away, and we’d end up fighting and i would cry. every time. four times a week usually. I would feel guilty for ever leaving, and feel as if I had actually cheated on him, as if I had actually done something wrong enough to warrant him hating me the way he told me he did. I spent my time tip toeing around him, trying to convince him I loved him.

And then it changed, he’d go out three or four nights a week, but I couldn’t. I’d work nights and even that would bring a round of accusations of seeing some guy, or smoking, or anything. He would demand to know who, if anyone, had hit on me while I was working, and if I flirted back. I’d smell like booze (I’m a bartender for fucks sake) and he would say I’d actually been out partying instead of work. In the seven months of returning to Glasgow, i went out only twice, and he came with me one of them - and I don’t think anyone there will forget that night because I’d been standing outside myself talking to a guy, who was also in a relationship, about where I was from and David went off his rocker at me. He screamed at me in front of a whole nightclub that I had been making out with the guy and smoking. I cried and cried and cried and it was an awful night and I smoked an entire fucking pack of cigarettes. We “made up” and that was that.  He had all the passwords to my phone and laptop, and would check them when I was at work. Any little thing that seemed off to him, he attacked me over.

After that, I was depressed. And depression hits everyone differently, we all know. I stopped eating, and weighed just 8 stone at my heaviest in June and I’m 5′11″ .He never noticed this, which made it a lot worse in a twisted way. I started smoking properly at my job, where David wasn’t there to see it, and when he went away to classes during the day I’d walk at least a 5 mile stint for something to do and a way to smoke without the smell lingering. I thought it was all chilled out too, convinced myself we were back to normal and everything was fine again. It had to be, I wasn’t making enough in the three fucking jobs I had to move out into my own flat, I needed him.

And then one of my friends, who I usually had to sneak out or make an excuse to see while David was at uni, kissed me after I told him everything that had been happening in my relationship. And then one night when David had gone away to spend the night with his family and left me in Glasgow, I fucked that friend. Not even just once. Then literally a few days later, I had a threesome with old work colleagues from the hotel. I hadn’t been drinking, all they did was ask if I wanted to come over. I don’t know why (maybe I do). And whenever he accused me of cheating after that, as he still did, I would actually have a reason to feel guilty as I denied it. We hadn’t been having sex anyway, even though he pushed and gaslighted me about it every night, so when it got to the point when the guilt would eat me when I would even think of sleeping with him, it wasn’t out of the ordinary for me to say I wasn’t up for it. Small blessings on my sinning fucking head. But I still told myself we were okay.

When I got a call in May to return to the hotel for another season, I was ecstatic and scared. I hadn’t been allowed to even bring up the hotel’s name for seven months, or fear the mood and accusation, so to say I wanted to go back to work there was out of the question. But we wanted to get our own flat together, and he was going on an unpaid internship, so someone had to come up with the money. I had to make rules and guidelines for myself that he agreed to;  I had to call him at 7am every morning, and every night as soon as I finished my shift. I had to come see him every time I had a day off, and I wasn’t to spend any money - in fact, was to ask my boss to keep half of it in the safe for when I left so I wouldn’t spend it.

That lasted four days. Within the first week, a day off came and it was sunny and I wanted to spend it drinking and getting sunburned with my work friend rather than spend the whole time on the train, where I would be miserable and get the 5am bus back to work the next day. So I did. And he was angry, but I was an hour and a half away so I didn’t actually have to face it - I turned off my phone and got drunk and smiled for real. And then a couple nights later, there was a party (which I’d promised I wouldn’t be partying this year) that I went to, and met Cal properly. We sat in a corner the whole night drinking gin and irn bru and taking the piss out of eachother and we clicked instantly. When I had the party at my van another couple nights later, it was just us left eventually and we kissed. And we stayed up all that night chatting and got about 20 minutes of sleep.

Cal and I started a relationship. While I was with David. He knew everything about me, I told him it all straight away, that I was in a relationship, the whole nine yards. We didn’t have sex though, he was too moral for that which I am thankful for.

A month into being in Ardlui, I dumped David. I phoned him, and laid it out that I didn’t want our life plan anymore, that I wasn’t happy and we weren’t growing off eachother anymore. I didn’t tell him about the cheating, with anyone. I didn’t tell him I smoked. I didn’t tell him I’d been absolutely jungled three hours before phoning him. Because I didn’t want to hurt him, and prove that he’d been right every time he accused me and I denied it.

And he didn’t even care. He went ‘okay’ and sounded like he’d been expecting it- which made it so much easier on me, because when I woke up the morning I decided to leave him, I was destroyed. 5 years of my life and the whole life I had planned ahead of me were about to be thrown out the window, and at first I didn’t think I was ready. I wasn’t looking in the mirror when I decided it, to see my ribs and hipbones staring at me over an ignored eating disorder. I didn’t see the depression written in my drafts on twitter. I didn’t see his controlling nature in my texts to the few friends I had left. I saw my dependency to him and saw the promises I’d made him, and I felt like a bitch. Because he was relying on me too for his life plan. But the simplicity of his ‘okay’ drove the way he’d been treating me home.  Despite hating myself over the way I’d been acting with the cheating and eventually refusing to adhere to any of the “rules” we’d set, I deserved better. I deserved to eat, to drink, to smoke, be happy with the 6′4″ gorgeous man I’d always wanted that finally waltzed into my life and showed me I deserved better.

So for the first time since officially being considered an adult, I depended on myself. I threw my entire life away and took everything day by day after that, and it has done me the world of good. I’m still  with Cal, we’ve just hit 6 months together, and even though the way we ended up together was unconventional and I’m sosososo insecure about it, I know he loves me. Even though we do argue, I don’t lie or hide anything from him. I tell him when I‘m having a rough mental health day, even though it’s hard. We’ve been all over Europe, something I always wanted to do but never did, and it won’t be the last time I do it. I have nothing planned, I have next to no money left, but I’m happier right now than I have been in the past year. I don’t depend on anybody. Everything is down to me. 

I’m still balls deep in my eating disorder, which I’ve only recently admitted and acknowledged was something I was dealing with. I am better, I do eat every day. Some days I eat properly, some days I have to deal with choking down a cereal bar and staying away from the scale and calling it victory - which it is! I still hit rough times mentally, but they’re okay. I know how to recognize and deal with them now, and I don’t brush anything under the rug. Even though I am worried about how he views me, I have a boyfriend that listens to me when I tell him what’s wrong. 

Abusive relationships aren’t always black and white until you’re out, and the term ‘abuse’ is scary and heavy, but it’s grey too. Neither of us knew how bad we were for eachother. We were both abusive. I haven’t spoken to David since the split, so I’ll admit I don’t know how our relationship affected him. I guess I just hope the breakup was as good for him as it was for me. I don’t mean to paint him badly, because I do have people here that knew and know him. He’s a great person and I do wish him the best. I just wanted to finally talk about it and what I went through, because I’m tired of being asked. Idk. If you read this then god bless you, because it was l o n g.

[grunge-optimistic]

23/03/2020. thoughts. 11:50pm

i jus need to get everything out, cause man, jus. wow.

so, he and i are different... or at least we were once pretty alike. i remember how he used to say that ever since he and i started dating he doesn’t like anyone @school, like the way looked, and ofc that made me happy because it made me feel special, and i remember how he’d say that i’m his ‘wife’ and all...: and i’m the type of person that doesn’t really like the whole marriage thing but idk, with him it jus made sense ya know, anyways, so when i’d talk about his and my future he’d say “well..::: what about your dad and cousin” or something like that-

i can actually feel it, he doesn’t and hasn’t felt the same for me as he once did, and idk what to do about it, it honestly feels like i’m just there for when his bored / has time to send a quick message but then has to do stuff ..... or fucking ignore my msgs for an hour or so and jus scroll on tiktok- like omg, anyways, but it jus also feels like i’m there to fulfil his sexual needs and it feels like that a lot.

he and i had a huge argument tho, and we kinda broke up, and i said “well do you wanna break up” because he really disliked/hated the person i have become apparently so he decided that he and i are best friends and reserved for the future... he and i are inclusive tho, jus i wish i could talk to him, i can’t do that anymore, anytime i do tho, like yesterday, he jus says “oh this is the bitch i remembered” or “why is she back” and stuff like that, just cause all i was saying was that his always busy, and he was saying that “well i won’t sit on my phone all day like a fgt” but i have strict parents, who are barely @home, i don’t communicate with my family so that’s exactly what i end up doing, so i said “well it’s not my fault your lucky” and stuff like that... cause honestly it isn’t, i don’t know what else to do...

yeah, well, i have a strong feeling that since i was the one that lost his virginity, that he has a connection with me or whatever and that’s why his still with me, that and also, the sexual stuff... i honestly, truely don’t think there’s any other reason.

he’s not all bad tho, just, i don’t think his staying with me for the right reasons. like he doesn’t need me or want me, he ignores my msgs, he jus lied to me saying he was asleep and i ruined it even tho he was jus active on insta? i know that cause i was jus gon send him a post cause he was active. he left me on read on imsg, he doesn’t really snap me.... like wtf am i still doing staying with him.... oh wait, he may not be inlove or love me but .... i love him. god dang it, i hate myself for that.... cause even after all this, he always makes everything back to me, like everything is my fault. and ... i still fucking love him.... wtf man.

like i know that if i was gone or he and i stopped being together, he wouldn’t care or get affected, oh besides the sex....

i jus miss how things used to be... it was better, and i just, i miss it, and i don’t think things will go back to how things were.

cause right now, when he talks to me, i honestly don’t feel any passion or whatever coming from his side....

and i can’t tell him anything i know he wouldn’t wanna hear cause that’ll start an argument. i jus, you see why i needed to jus write up all this, fuck, i hate myself so much. oh and

another thing, he knows how i feel about him talking about how other chicks are hot, yet he does it anyways, and i’d always show that i’m down, unintentionally tho cause i’d say “yeah i’m good, don’t worry” or whatever ... but today, he said that i looked like this chick, but man. she is way hotter, like i’m ugly asf, i mean, i hate how i look, oh and yesterday we were talking about birthdays and margot robbie has the same bday as me, and his like “margot robbie has the same birthday” and i’m like “yes she does” his then like “she’s :)))” meaning she’s hot, and also, i was diagnosed with body dysmorphia, eating disorder, anorexia. it jus shows that i really hate myself, he knows that, yet he does it, he says that it’s okay, but man, i don’t do that to him i feel like i should be treated like that too...: i don’t constantly show him or tell him about the people that are good looking, mainly cause i only find him good looking but uhm... he finds others good looking, hot, sexy, attractive....

i jus, i don’t know what i should do... because i am so stuck, i don’t wanna break up with him because it’ll hurt me more than it hurts him..

oh and another thing, i do so much for him, pay for uber rides- to and from his house it’s like $20 per week and he doesn’t even pay a dollar - i pay em, and i risk my own safety just to be with him yet he can’t seem to like ride to my house or something because it’s too far, like wtf man which means i walk 30mins- whenever i don’t uber....

jus what the hell am i going to do ... i can’t tell him any of this, not even a single bit, because since he and i are best friends & reserved for the future- means i gotta act like everything is fine- like how i used to be before he and i dated .... ngl, since his fallen outta love with me, he wouldn’t care.

but man, when he and i are together that’s when he pays somewhat attention and yeah, but then most of the time he and i aren’t together so... yeah- i just don’t know. and i’m hurting and i have no one, i used to have someone who i could talk to and now i’m left with no one at all... yet again, i’m not surprised at all... like i was surprised i had someone for three-four months-ish...

anyways... those are just the things in my mind rn, and i just am confused so please do help, i have no one who can help me.

[the-little-red-noodle]

7/3/19 11:39pm the aftermath

Spencer and i broke up today.

I am so exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My chest hurts from breathing and thinking and seeing him. I feel hollow but also so fucking heavy i can’t move. I feel hurt, i feel frustrated, i feel confused and i feel so fucking angry that this is happening one of the weekends i was looking forward to the most this summer. I am really really frustrated and really sad.

I had been in costa rica for like 10 days. I was so excited to see him. I just landed at the airportand he texted that he was on his way to my house and i was excited that i would have most of the day and the night to be with him. I would get to talk about the trip and be excited and kiss him and talk about the larp.

Fuck i just wish he could express anything ever. Fuck.

Where was i? I got home, i was trying on larp stuff and being excited and he got there and he seemed normal and we went to my room and i changed back into normal clothes and he sat on the other end of my bed and i was motioning for him to sit with me and he moved to still sit across from me and i was like what’s up?

And he just sat there holding my hands and stuttering and trying to speak and stopping and then i said,

Are you trying to break up with me?

And he said yes, I’m sorry. And i just felt like confused and like aw he’s having trouble speaking but also what are you doing?

And then i was like why? Why are you doing this right now, we have such a fun weekend planned and we have a party tomorrow and a larp and all this to celebrate together, why are you doing this now? You couldn’t have waited until after our fun weekend, until after my fun weekend? Until after i could do the stuff i had been so excited about and planning and planning with you? You couldn’t have waited??

Theres never a good time..

There fuckin is, it’s called ANY of the times i brought it up to you that thigs weren’t working. ANY of the times i said we weren’t communication well. ANY of the times i said i wasn’t happy or that we’re so different or that we just love differently. THATS when you mention the fact that you feel that way too. You fucking. Tell. Me. You fucking say hey I’ve been feeling that way too, we are super different, our communication doesn’t work well together, idk if I’ve been super happy. You fucking say something then. You don’t calm me down over and over saying that we’ll work it out we’ll work it out and then drop this on me literally an hour after i get home from a trip and before this really fun weekend that i would have liked to enjoy. I really was looking forward to this stuff and now you fucking ruined it. I’m not the kind of person who deals with shit by going out partying and pretending everything is fine. I fucking know it’s not fine and i see peoples faces looking at me with the “how ya doin?” face and the pity and the “oh wheres spencer?”

Dude, fuck you.

It’s not like i didn’t also think the relationship wasn’t working. I went back and forth so many times on whether or not to end it or stick it out, but i wouldn’t have fucking dropped it on you right before you had a bunch of important shit to do

Fuck you

Of course i knew it wasn’t working, we been knew. It hasn’t been working since the start frankly, we don’t communicate cohesively. I actually have emotions? And talk about them? And want to hear how you feel about stuff? What a fucking concept???

Fuckkkk youuu

I actually cared enough to go out of my way all the damn time to do what you needed, and show you how i felt, and love you the way you receive it best. Where was my gesture? Where was forthought into doing something for me? Where were any words that actually came from your heart and not phrases that i said were special to me?

Dude, fuck you man.

I’m angry. I’m really really frustrated because we talked so many times about when i was having doubts and when i was feeling like we needed help and we needed to fix shit and where i asked you over and over AND OVER!! HOW YOU FELT! That’s when you fuckig say something! You fucking tell me hey I’ve been having some doubtsabout the relationship and I’m not sure if I’m happy, and then we would have talked, seen that we felt the same way, and ended things respectfully together. But instead, you kept that shit in for months so you could blindside me before i have shit to do

FUCK. YOU.

How do you expect relationships to go? We small talk, fuck, eat, and sleep? And give each other space but don’t ever text or talk while we’re apart? What kind of relationship is that?

Beat change

What kind of relationship was i settling for? With someone who, not wouldn’t, but couldn’t share their feelings. Someone who was incable of really anything involving emotional intelligence. Someone who RARELY asked me how i was doing or what i was thinking about or how i was feeling. Never asked about my past, never knew HUGE pieces of who i am because he never bothered to dig around? He never knew about my depression, or the self harm, or the eating disorder, just a few. So many parts of what ultimately made me me and he just never asked. I asked about him CONSTANTLY and i could never get much.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i have to do so much fucking legwork to get the affection i need and so much effort to train him how to respond to a text in less than an hour. What was i settling for? Because he was the one? Hell no, we been knew this was casual from the start

OH THAT TOO! BITCH THIS WHOLE OPERATION WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!

We weren’t even dating! We weren’t a couple! We were hooking up and then YOU decided you liked me more and YOU decided you wanted to be exclusive and YOU wanted me to be your girlfriend and YOU initiated all those conversations that got us here. And then YOU have the audacity (I’m being dramatic) to step out after you decide theres no fixing us when you didn’t even give it a fair shot. When i brought up how to make us better and how i asked how you felt about every little thing just to gain an inch of insight into what the fuck was ever on your mind.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i had to stretch to get reassurance. Where i had to stretch to get validation. Where no compliment came free or unprovoked. Basically everything you ever told me was because i fucking prompted you to speak. If i hadn’t, we wouldn’t. If i didn’t start a conversation, there was no conversation.

God i am so fucking angry about it. Yes I’m sad and we’ll get to that, but I’m really fucking angry. And i feel guilty because i want to shut down and not be social but i feel like people are fucking relying on me to show up to stuff and drive people to things and camp and do all this and i fuckiiiiinnnggg wanna just not.

But i can’t be a hermit because then i let everyone down. If i bail that means mark has no ride or tent and julia won’t go and shell be bummed and shea will be mad because I’ll miss another fucking larp and everything falls on me

But if i go, i know myself, and I’m gunna be a fucking wreck the whole time. I’m gunna be crying and not wanting to participate and I’m gunna have to watch all the couples be happy and be like “so wheres spencer? What happened? Are you okay?”

I hate are you okay.

Fuckin..???? Like..???? Naw?? I got dumped before a bunch of shit i was super excited for and now can’t be excited because I’m heartbroken and have to do all this shit without him after getting my hopes up that he would go and it would be so romantic and right up our alley and so fun.. and now it’s fucking ruined and everytime i think about the larp, i think about how many people are counting on me to go and how people will say they understand but are also super disappointed and secretly hate me for throwing a wrench in our plans

BUT ITS NOT MY FUCKING WRENCH

ITS HIS WRENCH BECAUSE HE COULDNT HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME HOW HE WAS FEELING MONTHS AGO OR, and i can’t stress this enough, FUCKING WAITED UNTIL AFTER.

I’m mad because he knew how important this weekend was to me, that i literally cut my family vacation short to spend time with him, and i can’t even get to enjoy it with my friends now cuz i swear theyre all gunna be looking at me and thinking ah shit is she ok, should we say something, is she drinking too much, is she eating too much, is she blinking too much, hey are you okay?

I’m frustrated too because i swear i went back and forth on breaking up with him so much and i can’t believe he’s the one who did it, and blindsided me, and ruined my fun weekend. I literally texted mark like a week before my trip in a frenzy like I NEED TO BREAKUP WITH SPENCER! And he talked me down. Yah, mark talked me down. Who always seemed to hate spencer and not like that we were dating, he fucking talked me out of ending it. MARK.

Dude, fuck you, right now. Fuck you for not being about to just talk to me. Fuck sake, it can’t seriously be that difficult to have an emotion formed into a single thought right? I do it constantly. How hard is it to say “i feel like we’re having problems” or “I’m struggling” or fucking anything. Nah, just keep it in and unleash it on the worst time possible. Sounds super.

Fuck you man.

Ima go to bathroom or something. I need to walk this off. Fuck I’m so angry

Also, fuck you for the corny friend line near the end

“I hope that someday-“ “i swear to god if you say that we can still be friends..” “well.. yeah, id like to”

Like, fuck me gently with a chainsaw, i don’t wanna be your friend, dude. We don’t really have a lot in common, it’s kinda part of why we’re breaking up, remember?

The couples who usually stay friends after a breakup are the ones who have a ton in common and lose attraction for each other, whereas spence and i have eh not a lot a lot in common, and i reaaallyy attracted to him. That pairing doesn’t bode for great friends. That sets us up to be like fuck buddies again. No, i don’t wanna be friends. At least not now. I basically said we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but honestly, fuck that noise, ok? That’s basically u saying that I’m not attractive and that youd be fine just hanging out in groups and hitting on my friends.

Pass.

I’m glad i asked about romy tho. I always thought he had a thing for her and maybe that was why he wanted to end things. Theyd make a good match i guess. Both of them are incapable of expressing any emotions and are crazy stoners.

Man i am not gunna miss the potheads. Omigod. I worry so fucking much about his health and I’ve told him many times. Youll notice, if you read the records back, not once has he expressed interest in my health. Never commented on drinking or working out or anything really. Never worried about my safety ever. Not even after i was sexually assaulted, which i know is a low blow, but honestly..??? Where was the concern? Where was the fuck that guy attitude? If someone had groped spencer, you better believe i would say some shit. I would fucking destroy them. I wouldve done anything to keep him safe, including getting sexually assaulted so that i could get his drunk ass home. Whos gunna carry you back to your dorm anymore? Whos gunna take care of you when you’re throwing up from alcohol poisoning? Won’t be ANY of the people in your inner circle, I’ll tell you that much. Your friends don’t give a shit about your health and it shows and it broke my heart everytime. I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

And then offer you weed. Then you threw up again and they passed out. Ffucking what? call me overattentive, but thank god you had me those nights. When you passed out drunk behind a tent at BFtR or when you got too high at a wonderland party or when you drank too much at the alpha toga party and were throwing up in ralphs bags while your friends IGNORED YOU. whos gunna do that for you now? Are you gunna end up dead after a delta party one day because your friends don’t give a shit about you? I worried about this NONSTOP. Because i cared so much about you, and i still do. And i would worry every time youd leave the house and go to bars or whatever because i know that something like that is going to happen again, and I’m not gunna be there to pick up the pieces and give you a placw to sleep and make sure you drink water and take medicine and care about you. Tell me which one of your “friendsl is going to care about you the way i did. Cuz I’ve watched them all fail that test frankly and it breaks my heart.

But i guess.. that’s not my problem anymore. The days of getting you home safe after one too many is over. The nights of staying up till 5 am holding your hair up are over. The conversations I’ve tried to have about your health and hoping youd change those habits is over. Cuz it can’t be my problem anymore. Cuz i can’t watch you kill yourself anymore. I can’t watch you poison yourself everyday anymore. I can’t watch you hurt and hurt and shove it all down anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t watch you be high anymore. I can’t look at you with your eyes drooping anymore. I can’t worry about you taking weird drugs and acid and wondering if you’re okay anymore. Cuz I’m not your girlfriend anymore, and i can’t be your friend either. But i hope you get such a friend soon. I hope you find a better person to look after you a little. Cuz I’ve watched too many of your “friends” just inable you to do dumb dangerous shit. I can’t watch it anymore

I’m not gunna fight for us to stay together. I’m not gunna ask you to reconsider. I’m gunna (try to) not reach out. I don’t wanna talk. Theres nothing more to say. Anything else, all of this, is just me being angry. And needing to get out anger, but it doesn’t ever need to see him. He doesn’t need to hear how I’m feeling. He doesn’t need to see me suffer. He doesn’t need to hear that I’m angry or sad or doing well. He feels enough guilt as it is, and i don’t need to add to it.

But i can still be angry. And i can still be sad. And at some point, I’m gunna do okay. Because that’s how this shit goes. You go up and you go down and you have friends, real friends, there to catch you. And i hope you do too.

For now, it’s too hard. It’s too hard to look at my instagram with pictures of you. It’s too hard to see your face. It’s too hard to think about what to do about your mom and sister that follow me. It’s too hard to think about if i want to take the pictures down.. cuz what if you do..

I guess i should probably sleep.. but i just feel really fucking hollow. And really fucking heavy. And really fucking tired. But really fucking sad... like really fucking sad..

And i bet he’s feeling none of it. Cuz that’s what he does. He pushes everything away and never talks about how things affect him.

As we were talking, he said that this was the most he’s cried in the past years combined. And considering the last year he had, that is really fucking sad. In some ways it’s nice to know i had a big impact, but also like.. god.. he needs to be talking to someone. He needs a therapist. He needs help. He says he doesn’t, but he does. We dated for 10 months and he couldn’t talk about his dad. We never talked about my past. He really scimmed the surface of what a connection should be, and that’s really sad. And he ended it before he could make some real improvement because he was getting better.. really slowly but he was.

Idk what to do with myself. Idk how to feel or what to say or who to say it to. I want to sleep and i want to do yoga tomorrow. And i want to figure it out from there.