#idk why im crying now tbh
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Demyx (my beloved)
#kingdom hearts#demyx#honestly is there an organization member i dont like? not really tbh#ok i lied maybe one but even then i find him fascinating so even he gets a pass#demyx being such a good boy who doesnt actually care for fighting then having the whole kh3 thing#where he has the yellow eyes but still just helps the good team vaguely then dips out of the entire game#where did he go and why .... what secrets do you hold young man#i should replay kh3 cause there are things i think i remember but idk for sure#like wasnt there actually a scene where hes just... been benched for being bad at being bad or smth#i really remember a scene where either he says or someone else is like oh yeah he got benched lol#like why does he have to be so funny yet get so little screen time im dying squirtle#though for the record him just handing a mannequin to even and saying peace out for the rest of the game WAS hilarious#this is me living the best time line where not only does demyx just dip and never get mentioned from anyone#but also in an otome i played theres a route where my fave guy just also dips early on#and then in the very end some other LI asks another LI what happened to him btw like where did he go#and the another LI was like oh my god i forgot about him idk man#my favorites just making an appearance and leaving is really funny to me#these tags got super long bc im very stressed and now devoting brain power to vgs in order to not cry
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theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh
#taylor.txt#im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything#i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation#and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school#like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling#like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk#it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah#tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh#when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :(#anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students#noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh
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☁️🌷
#ugh im so anxious and like i think i have more pains bc of it#i overslept bc ever since i got a new phone my alarm is so quiet i never wake up?? this is the third time this happens for this class#but i cant miss more bc if i have more than three weeks absence they'll fail me :< so i hurried and walked to school#i wish i had a bus pass T-T since they introduced civilian clothed controllants i havent dared taking the bus at all i dont wanna get a fine#so yes anyway. on top of that im pretty sure my sister stole my keys. bc they were in my jacket pocket yesterday and today they werent there#and she left somewhere earlier this morning. so now im anxious abt not knowing where they are + will i get inside?? my mom wakes up late af#ummm what else???? idk im just so stressed. i got to class and have been here for 40min now and the teacher left for lunch#i'll leave now bc i cant focus enough to sit here more. my tooth aches too :((#i just wanna cry tbh#the entire way here i was like i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die#i feel so awful.. and stupd and worthless. why am i incapable of getting a job? or even studying at university? im so bad at everything#im like an anxious wreck who can barely function. everything hurts both physically and emotionally#i dont even wanna walk home im just sitting in my empty classroom bc i dont wanna kove#move*#what's wrong with me? how did i turn into this? i miss school. like i miss being able to actually do my work and talk to the teachers etc#im only a shell of what i used to be. and im scared i'll never be anything other than this :((((#well i gotta move ig bc the sooner i do the sooner i can get home and lie in my bed & cry over how useless i am :3
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secondhand gender euphoria thru a blorbo can be more powerful than your own gender tbh
#danbles#idk what it is abt m/f bigender ppl that i have sm admiration for#maybe bc it’s the polar opposite of mine? idk idk#sometimes i wonder if IM bigender just bc of how happy i am for other ppl that are#(if i am i wouldn’t be m/f tho but i can’t go down that route again lmao)#kira… tom… HAL…#happy joy smile event everytime i think abt these 3 and their relationship with gender ;___;#oh my god it’s embarrassing to admit but i didn’t realize hal was so gender until recently#damn near cried reading those panels abt his internal ‘maleness and femaleness’#i could cry again just thinking abt it now tbh#ALL THE BEST CHARACTERS ARE BIGENDER WHAT CAN I SAY!!!!#genderposting#i just remembered i hc dee as bigender too#wow this goes deep maybe i should look into this#maybe when i’m less busy#what’s that one post?#‘im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc abt that rn’#that’s why i hc most of these characters as bigender it’s bc they do fuckall <3
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The marines calling Roger the worst man of the world is something but considering ace renounced him and luffy kinda blindly admires him bc we don't really know much about what he has done past his travels....
#like i know he wasnt but why then#bc he opposed th government and thats it#and now theyre going to kill his son just because they can#also surprised the d came from aces mother (well considering what she could do...) but i really thought it was bc of roger#even if they keep writing gold roger and not gol d roger but alas#tbh idk if thats just a theory or it has been confirmed but im not there yet#also i wanna know more about aces mom#and the fukcing bubbles of saboady keep haunting me!!!!!!#why is the people so sure that roger was bad what happened#and why is rayleigh alive if rogers family is dead like damn#also fuck!!! the marines know about dragon being luffys dad when iva san said to keep ot quiet!!! because of fucking garp!!!!#like lets kill rogers son but dragons is alright i guess#not like i want luffy to die but considering the revolutionary army you know#a newborn doesnt carry any sins just as boats arent good or evil. thats what im talking about#there arent any love stories in one piece and like i get it but it would be nice to know why ace was even born you know#OH ACE LOOKS LIKE HIS MOTHER OOOOOOHHHHH... THATS A DEATH SENTENCE#he has his mothers eyes what if i shit and cry and throw up#this is sickening also#the hunting pregnant women#the orange clouds looking like fire when ace is born. what if i start to sob#nono gol d ace now.... so they are both d names.... is that like a curse because damn...#also ace being held by his mom with the orange clouds behind again..... i am telling you he is like jesus christ you wouldnt get it#mary did you know your womb was also a tomb etc etc#god.... rogers rivals raising his son. whitebeard wanting him to become pirate king.... his rival's son... old men do not make me cry#buggy opening the doors like moses lmao#ace surprised whitebeard is coming for him.... and not believing luffy came for him either#that was good i cant wait to see more flashbacks but how many episodes will we be here until the thre hours are past. i fear for aces knees#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 460
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#one day imgonna matter but that day is not today#idk why i try tbh.. i never fuckin learn#3pm and already resigned to crying in my bed :)#did everything in my power to avoid this and rhen i got too comfortable and now im paying the price like always#idk if i can do this again#when i ghost everyone and just vanish completely uhh sorry ig idk#my throat feels tight my head hurts#just a convenience.
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i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)
#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact#with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes#but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost#become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad.#i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their#hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed#and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month???#after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they#lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never#had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant#really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you#just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs#capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem.#and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them.#sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont#care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem#and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did#try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry”#and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found#yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!!#and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i#crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :)#cinnamon diary
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uuggrrrhhh can people not yell when i mess up ? it doesn’t help. like at all
#spilt paint water on stuff on my floor :(#so it is my fault and i’m clumsy yeah but yelling doesn’t help me thanks anyway#i just end up unnecessarily crying my eyes out like always and then i can’t communicate so what’s the point in that.#i raise my voice sometimes but it’s so easy to not start yelling in my face everything i did wrong#sorry again for the rant i’m jus upset. we were literally joking around and laughing right before i did that. makes me a bit more sad#i put my rants in the tags cause tbh i’m too afraid to put them on the main post#that’s scary idk why#i need to sleep i think my eyes hurt. almost out of ibuprofen#i saw some nice art today and listened to some music and im a little better now but still upset a bit .#if you are still here somehow uh. hi#thanks for listening byby goodnight#☎️#rant
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well that was like. good. i liked it but the show as a whole still needs some work imo. more Thots in the tags
#trigun spoilers#trigun stampede#first of all rip roberto you will not be missed im so sorry#i dont really care abt him tbh#he was a walking death flag and didnt have nearly enough screentime for me to have any feelings abt him#so im sorry but it didnt really hit :/#meryl crying did tho!#i hope they keep doing her right#idk how many episodes are left but i really wanna see her open up more#also she has a Gun now#again elendira being a baby now is weird but i still love her i hope she gets more screentime#im happy they brought up tesla!#i think shes v important to knives character and its a shame that she wasnt in 98 at all#her story is Very fucked up and adds a lot of nuance to the human/plant relationship and especially to rems character#sad that there isnt a lot of legato i love that freak#finally what the FUCK is knives gonna do to vash WHY is he putting him in an aquarium#i hope we get some body horror from it#one of the biggest losses from the manga is that plants dont look freaky as hell and its so sad#make those bitches eldritch and beyond comprehension!!!!!
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#feeling really weird in my body tonight so im going back to bed#idk just.. have had gender and identity issues today. its just. a lot#like being ngc and not out of the closet cause i dont wanna talk about it is so exhausting and im just. yeah#not to mention the whole aroace thing#just been thinking a lot today. idk. i know im not faking any of it but bringing it out to ppl is just. so much sometimes#i have two irl friends who know. one thats thankfully very careful about it around other friends cause he knows im not out yet#but its still exhausting. especially when the conversation goes on those rails while undermining specifically my identities#without these ppl knowing about it. and i dont wanna talk about it cause technically its irrelevant but like..#idk. im just afraid of being left alone. being called awkward and weird and faking it and that its just a phase and... yeah idk#idk where this is going im just complaining now. i would just like to exist as myself without having to explain shit#cause these are terms and things i would have to explain. oh whats an agender? then why do you still look feminine and not enby(???)#how do you know youre ace if youve never dated? or aro?? as if these things dont work the other way around#im just already tired of it but i feel like eventually i should break it out. these ppl are my friends. we have a trans person in this grou#and ppl understand him and his perspective. i guess part of that is the thing im afraid about tbh. that they think im following a trend#or an example. that i havent been dealing with this for at least like five or six years before they came out as enby and later trans to us#but.. idk. its just hard. these identities are so hit and miss with ppl and them understanding and being hurtful later on#aaaand now im crying. this is so stupid im going to bed good night#night is an absolute mess on main#(tho be clear tho ive known im ace for over half of my lifetime now. the five to six years was about being agender/enby. fyi)
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...
#me for like 22yrs of my life: god. get me tf outta the midwest. i hate it here#me flying home after 3yrs living in the desert: oh fuck. HOLY FUCK. its fucking green yall!!!! im losing my mind. HOW SO GREEN????!!!!#literally everytime i fly home im like: holy shit every town is like. in the woods. im gonna cry. that so beautiful#bc im a sap lol. its true tho! its crazy. and it's so fucking green here its beautiful#im so desperate to leave the desert. i really wanna go to school somewhere in the Appalachian mountains tbh#god its so nice to be home. we'll see if i acutally post less bc i might actually b happy for a bit haha. or i might post more nature#stuff bc ill be like: yo look how awesome the world is. ya kno?#my mum is super into rock collecting so i come home and shes like: yo lets watch YouTube vids of ppl rock collecting and im like omg i lov#this. ppl sharing their lov of geology and pretty rocks 😭 and my parents r like hey if u get the summer off bc ur funding runs out and ur#between programs u can come home and we can do some traveling in our camper! we can go to the UP and down to the gray fossil site. bc i#cant shut up abt paleontology lol. my parents r so good 😭😭😭#im so excited to see the lake and go to the museum and we're gonna visit my old prof in my college town and he does quantitative models so#like he doesn't get a ton of students enthusiastic abt his work and he really started me out on my path. so like. im paying my respects 🙏#hopefully all goes well lol. im also gonna snipe some samples from a state park and mail them back to school. which should be neat#sigh... anyway im just happy for now and theres so much cool stuff in the world#and yet for some reason i canoot sleep. despite the fact i woke up at 3.30am yesterday so that i could travel for like 11hrs#im too awake now#i want it to be morning!#also shout out to my nose that apparently does not work. like thr dogs got sprayed by a skunk yesterday morning and i do not smell it#its so weird. i dont kno why. i can smell other things. i just cant smell this? idk ive long suspected my sense of smell is awful#and i guess this confirms it. everytime my boss is like: do u smell this??? im like: lol no. what r u talking abt?#that's prob why im so picky. everything is bland 😵💫 bc i cannot taste that much#unrelated#lol i slept like 3hrs and now my brain is like hmmm that enough of that lol#also wtf not that many ppl were wearing masks in the airport. u hate to see it
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#i cant ever tell if im just really sensitive or what#like objectively if ur called a name then yeah u have a right to be hurt but if ur used to being called names should it rly be that bad??#all my life ive been called variations of fat and stupid and u know what?? i AM fat and im not smart so i mean its true#but idk i dont NEED to be reminded of these things#idk man i was already not having the best day and now its just worse#im trying not to let the 🐳 comment get to me and not go into a super dark headspace but its hard :(#ive been crying for like. an hour and i cant stop#ive been called worse so why am i letti g it affect me so bad??#im just so embarrassed and ashamed rn and angry bc i keep crying#i need to go eat soon too bc i havent eaten since like 8 am besides a few granola bars#which is the whole reason why this was brought up. i guess apparently i ate too many of them (there is still some left tho??)#i even offered to pay for some more?? no need to resort to name calling imo its not a big deal like we'll just get some more?#again there is still some left!! we can easily buy some tmr but. i guess not#🐳🐳#the only reason i ate so many is bc i was on my period and it was one of the only things that didnt upset my stomach tbh?#like damn if this is what is said to my face i cant imagine what ppl say behind my back#ignore me
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#i don't know how ill manage anything if what im anxious about happening does happen#and unfortunately i think it will#i hate everything so much#and i wish i was able to do anything else but everything needs experience that i dont have#and idk but i guess ill have to figure it out when it happens#the when part of it is killing me#also like why didnt they just put me out of my misery friday so i wouldn't be worrying all weekend and dreading monday#god...#i just want to [redacted] and idk what to do about anything#though tbf i never have#and despite the fact that i dont thinkg ive ever truly been happy or loved life much anyway#i genuinely feel like my time in [redacted] was still the best#missing it so much i want to go back 😭#and i also miss [redacted] so much#why does distance exist from people who would be there for me#i dont really have many people but the ones i do arent even here#and yeah my family will be here soon but tbh that makes it worse because i dont want them to know about this#but they will#i wish i could cry more easily because i need a good cry right now#and a hug#😭
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✌🏻
#menace gets personal#dude there is so much going on right now and i feel like a child for my reactions to it??#except i know im not really acting like a child#but god i feel like such a child!!!!!!#/neg#like why am i reacting this way??#why am i so stumped over this small thing???#it might not be small tbh but it seems like such a small thing!!!#and i know theres probably multiple parts to this but i just want to curl up in a ball and cry#but i havent cried in a while? and i think i forgot how to? which means its all gonna come out at literally the worst moment possible#idk theres just so much i dont even know where to begin#work is new and theyre doing construction on my street and my dad is being weird and and and#and ive been journaling about it but i think theres too many changes that it's not doing much? but i also know that ive been able to pull#myself out of situations almost? to make sure i dont overreact or seem mad about it yk? but what do i even know???#i think i am spiraling#goodnight <3#rambling menace#(also pls dont worry i am fine i am just stressed as all get out and im a little frustrated i think)
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me trying to catch up w love and deepspaces new stories going 😰
#i forgot which bit im at#but its the second story they released w the underworld stuff. or whatever its called KFNDNDNSN#im reading in order idk if that matters so im reading the second zayne story and 😰 HUH.#bro....#i mean i already knew about the human experiments w mc but also!!!!!!!! why tf we reviving dead people now what the hell 😭😭😭#OK ALSO IM NOT CAUGHT UP W LORE 100% SO OBV IM MISSING OUT ON A LOT OF STUFF BUT IM JUST H U H ?????#avil plays lads#i come in here to smooch xavier and then i leave tbh i forget that theres lore JFBDJDJDJ#but its nice honestly to sit and read more of the lore#i still have some qualms about the storytelling in main story but#ill give it the benefit of the doubt that we just havent gotten all the pieces together juuuuuuust yet.#i also havent looked at all the myths stuff#(i have xavier and rafayels. im too scared to do either of them and come out crying)#(i did one of the little tender moment stuff w rafayel earlier this morning and i was crying BUCKETS so obv. i gotta chill ifdjjdjd)#anyways#ive missed playing this game#i need to shift my brain to just lore digging rather than grinding jgjdjdjd#also im trying so hard to see peoples thoughts on tumblr however!
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I have two followers request the same thing, one for my follower celebration last year and one for my birthday this year, and I am working on it but uhm. Idk if you were really wanting this much tears in it, bc uhhh I can’t stop crying.
Tbh, you probably wanted no tears. I personally did not start this out with an intention for tears.
Unfortunately, there will be tears! Many, many tears. I am still barely even to the main point of this fic, it is about 3k, and literally every part of it has me sobbing.
#abi speaks#*pokes fic* this was. not the intention#but uhm. now im crying so oops i guess? im literally not even to the main prompt yet#i stg i gotta make at least some part of this happy bc it wasnt supposed to be sad!! i did not intend to iclude any sadness!#but now its fucking 3k words of sadness!!#what the fuck did i do!!#i still havent even hit like. fucking plot yet tbh#bc i wasnt really planning on this being plotless or open ended but at this point it fucking might be#fucking 3k words. why am i like this#i used to struggle to get to 1k but now? now i cant shut up i guess??#i still am slow at writing bc of time and or energy but now at least i have ideas i guess#idk man this is bullshit *pokes at fic again* quit! being! sad!!
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