#idk why its so bad like ik logically what i enjoy about them but this is hardly the most profound of gay relationships one can pull

[houndfaker]

i know ive touched on it before but it really is just so appealing to me how like, probably what makes me so crazy about kym is just kind of where each of them stands in relation to mitsuru.

you have yukari who is an unexpected match to mitsuru. they are reflections of each other and it takes both of them incredibly long to actually come to terms with that.

and then you have kikuno who is like. an echo of mitsuru. mitsuru's one goal in life was doing absolutely anything in her power to protect the thing that mattered to her the most: her father. kikuno's one goal in life is doing absolutely anything in her power to protect the thing that matters to her the most: mitsuru.

mitsuru omits important information about shadows that she's aware of for the sake of her goal. she isnt fully honest with her teammates, her eventual friends who she has to trust her life with in battle. kikuno deceives for the sake of her goal. mitsuru is the person she cares most about, and she betrays her for what she perceives to be her own good.

mitsuru insists on the belief that sees is only united by the goal to eliminate the shadows, despite the love she's come to have for them all she clings to what feels like logical fact because the idea of burdening them with herself when she cant offer them anything anymore is so scary. kikuno insists on the same exact belief, that sees was only united by the goal to eliminate the shadows, and for that reason its foolish to return to them. to return to battle, where she could die just as her father had.

and while mitsuru is the one who presents the idea that theyre both incorrect in that belief in the first place, its yukari who changes kikuno's mind. yukari is proof that mitsuru is correct to have faith in her friends, to love her friends, to be stubbornly loyal and protective of them despite the present uncertainty of what brought them into each other's lives in the first place. (and yukari is the most active in showing mitsuru that, too! we see as much at the kyoto riverbank.)

and kikuno has a particular fondness of yukari as a result of that, even if its usually accompanied by teasing, she has gratitude towards her for being the person that opened her mind.

and yknow. it is mutual. eventually. however brief the moments are.

idk idk obviously the circumstances for each of their actions are very different but i will never get over just how much the way that mitsuru carries herself influences kikuno whether either of them realize it or not.

shes watched mitsuru tear herself apart to protect takeharu longer than anyone. its no surprise that shes so snappy and intense and protective of her the entire time she's home. she positions herself as the person that takes care of mitsuru where mitsuru doesnt care for herself.

and you have to consider beyond the overall 'she loves her that is the person she would die for' she just watched mitsuru shatter from pursuing and failing what she saw as the meaning of her life. and kikuno takes extreme measures to ensure it wont happen to her next.

and just ohh kikuno finally back to being completely in her element with the reassurance that mitsuru is safe that mitsuru has someone trustworthy looking out for her. its a sliver of faith despite all the risks. its learning what mitsuru had to learn, taught to her by mitsuru and the one who taught mitsuru, too. its insane. i wish they'd all explode. that's all

[cinaja]

okay but miryam & jurian actually being the most similar is SO GOOD. let them both be ruthless!! ik miryam doesn't canonically have the plagues but the crossing some moral lines + then dying + (eventually) being resurrected thing is a great parallel & also the best fuck you to canon trying to paint miryam as the good fae-acceptable human & jurian as the mean radical one. honestly she deserves to go off & destroy some shit, cause she didn't even get to do ANYTHING in canon, let alone destroy a mountain range or curse the black land.

Ahhh ty! And yes!! I also really love the parallels between Miryam and Jurian and them being so similar. Canon sets up some of the things there already (with them both being human leaders during the war who died at its end and (eventually) got resurrected), but as usual, it takes the worst possible route with everything, and I really enjoyed fixing it.

For making Miryam ruthless (& a lot like Jurian), I think it was a mixture of the whole set-up/story just DEMANDING she be at least a little bit ruthless and it being the only way to fix the mess that were the canon messages the entire thing conveys.

I just. Absolutely hated how she was written to have been the "model" human (specifically because she is presented as more forgiving of the Fae? SOMEHOW? Even though SHE was the one out of the two of them who had been a slave and therefore made the worst experiences with Fae?) and Jurian as the bad guy for... not liking the people who enslave his kind. It's just such a MESS. Tbh, Miryam breaking up with Jurian (a human) and instead marrying Drakon (a Fae noble) was already pretty bad and had a message I could not get behind at all, but with that entire "Miryam as the one who is forgiving towards Fae" thing on top of that, and the fact that Jurian was tortured and died as "punishment" for what he did while Miryam got resurrected and had a happy ever after with her Fae husband just made it completely terrible. It basically has the message that oppressed people should just forgive their oppressors and, idk, assimilate with them, but if they dare fight back, it will have a bad end for them or smth. And basically the only way out of that I saw was to let Miryam do something that is objectively far worse/more morally questionable than what Jurian did to Clythia and also generally be abundantly clear that she is no more forgiving towards the Fae than Jurian is even if she ends up married to one (which wasn't hard because why would she forgive them??? How could she NOT want some sort of revenge? Even if I choose to write her as someone who generally doesn't like violence and prefers to be kind whenever possible, how could that ever logically extend to the people who enslaved her?)

And, well, apart from Miryam's entire backstory and the entire "promised to free her people from the most powerful country of her time and actually succeeding after 7+ years of work" thing implying that she's at least a BIT ruthless, the whole Exodus retelling thing also demanded it since it was clear from the beginning that Miryam would need to be the one doing the plagues for it to work out. Canon doesn't include the plagues at all, but that makes the entire story fall apart (seriously, explain to me how Miryam and Drakon would manage to free all the humans WITHOUT first defeating the Black Land militarily), so I definitely needed them and I also definitely needed Miryam to do them because she is the Moses character in this and if it's already not her parting the sea, it HAS to be her with the plagues. (Also, once again, fuck canon for basically sidelining her in her own backstory. Everything we hear about the war just continuously implies that shr was important, but do we ever hear what she DID? Noooo, we instead hear ten million details about her romantic relationships, because that's apparently what matters. We couldn't spare a sentence to go "she was a diplomat" or "she was leader of the Alliance" or SOMETHING to explai what she actually DID during the war and why Mor thinks simply namedropping her will get her what she wants even 500 years after the war, but I'm so glad we got pages upon pages on her relationship drama ig.)

[sepialunaris]

Besides the crazy stupid plot twist and dumb character actions I think the big problen why Jurassic World is a failure of a narrative is that it constantly confuses its own tone and what idea it wants to convey. And as a whole it just sounds like singing praises to capitalism and pinning problems on other aspects instead of the root of the problem.

So JW is said to have been open for 15 years, and its said people are bored with classic InGen retrosaurs hence initiating the creation of Indominus, and yet from the other perspective people are enjoying the retrosaurs just fine? It is not even hinted a bit that they did not not enjoy them besides that bit of exposition.

And our audience perspective character doesn't work. Gray and Zach seems to come from a middle-upper class family and yet they never visited the park for years despite having a family member as a high level staff? Knowing their son is obsessed with dinosaurs? And the only reason they were sent there was because it was an excuse to cover up their parent's divorce? In the case of Darius Bowman from CC it makes sense, but this is weird. It's kind of nitpicky, but okay my point is, what makes them ineffective is that they are new eyes to the park and Zach cannot represent "ahh ppl who already seen this many times get inspired to see the beauty of ugly 1993 retrosaurs" because he has never been there either. So its just weird to include their POV when it deosnt complement the Indominus narrative and if it does it feels forced and loose.

And its more bizarre when the movie seems to be more obsessed with showing "oh my god look at this capitalist paradise! John Hammond's gentrification deeam fulfilled!" and panning on random buildings and starbucks with the Jurassic Park theme. Besides "do you have dinosaurs in your dinosaur park" it just wooshes the anti-capitalist social commentary of JP, more crazy when its loads of product placement. I know that they did plan a panning shot with dinosaurs which would've been effective and narratively fitting rather than *pan to giant building* so idk why they even did that. And so idk if this movie wants to criticize capitalism and consumerism combined with the privatizing of the genetics could give way to ethical and environmental issues or do they want to say "god powers are allowed for capitalists if they are nice" (ahh and based on leaks for JWD, its the latter. They made John Hammond a messiah for protecting his unethical business from the 'bad capitalists' omg)

There's also the issue of 'authentic' dinosaurs (hence why I keep mentioning retrosaurs from the start 😂, i want to talk about this too). The scene with Wu and Masrani works, but ultimately the whole movie fails it. It is lifted from one of the few good scenes from the oroginal movel with Wu and Hammond, and concerns about how ALL dinosaurs from this park are genetic hybrids from the start. And well it would've worked well to explore the ethics and capitalism approach but honestly with the whole movie as comparison it just sounds like "guys this is the reason why they are not realistic and feathered please dont ask us about it again." The fact that they are hybridized retrosaurs get ignored and thrown under the rug besides that one scene, and we never again explore how unnatural all of them are as the movie time to time again keeps promoting a division between "legit" dinosaurs and Indominus, the character Lowery keeps pushing. And the latter... aslo shows how much they want to praise the first park and John Hammond despite it being a metaphor of capitalism failing from wanting to conquer nature, despite it being the exact same thing as modern JW. "They didnt need these hybrids they only had real dinosaurs" is already an errornous statement since all of them were frog hybrids, so if its wrong... what was the point of bringing it up? JP didn't just fail because Dennis Nedry sabotaged it, it was bound to fail for its attempt to control nature as Ian said. However JW attributes the singular creation of Indominus as the reason for its failure (and by attribute hoo boy how many plotholes did they engineer to pin it the blame. Suddenly it knows its being thermally monitored? Or does it just releases electromagnetic energy to make ppl around it dumb or jam cellphones, god im rambling), and if they continued making retrosaurs it would've been fine? So what was the message? "Its okay to mix dinosaur dna with frogs but don't add to much to the mixture"? "Its okay to play god with capitalism but dont go too far"? Instead of mentioning both concepts as unethical and the concept of Indominus as an already flawed concept pushed even more unethically, the increasing level of tolerance for playing god already shows a shift of morals from the JP and JW. So once again its 'capitalism is actually good, its just the evil ppl thats the problem'

It honestly just erases the brilliant potential of how that narrative could be engaged. Of course its obvious the park would want to promote their retrosaurs as legit and Indominus as a different flavor despite both being hybrids but the latter being pushed to the max, so both of them are bound to have intersecting problems. However not everyone would've been fooled by such promotion. And yet from our POV only Wu was aware of it; the view of them as retrosaurs is treated as an understatement to be ignored as we are only allowed to see things and agree with opinions from the POV of Lowery or the kids against Hoskins' cartoony "lets convince our president to use dinos to steal oil" idea.

It could've honestly touched on many aspects of de-extinction or concepts like the Chickenosaurus, as well as the complex moral dillema around many genetic issues, but the movie just wants to shy away from it and impose a black and white morality of "Indominus bad unnatural" and "retrosaurs good natural." Not unnesary military commentary that doesn't work (dinosaur's effect in the environment would be more devastating than them acting as military weapons so pro-US imperialists can be proud (one bullet will kill them, I swear yeah ik this is a 'scifi' franchise, but the logic hoops you need to jump from that. One raptor died from getting hit by a rocket launcher as they should. So what US wants to use these bags of flesh as weapons to steal oil? There is nothing they can do that dogs or dolphins can't do better). The only time its kinda shown is when Indominus is killing Apatosaurus for fun, but... real animals like humans, dolphins, chimps do that too. And the movie treats this as something unnatural or makes it evil. Scorpios rex despite being ugly actually accomplishes the ecological horror of having an invasive creature invade an ecosystem (despite the ecosystem itself alr being flawed and superficially created) and being able to reproduce through parthenogenesis). And I doubt they would touch on this in JWD despite the variance of animals they will show, as even Atrociraptor is not going to be called out by name in that film, that they can change its name in post production.

[cera444]

001

you know what im scared to be my own person, i dont think i know how to be it. my whole life my identity has been attached to someone, even my dad will say "oh youre like me, this is why you can't do xyz" and idk it's really sad. i don't have another word for it. i'm about to go to college and i don't know who i'm supposed to be there. when do i stop being my parents' daughter and start being who i am. like sex and partying and drinking, when do i get to enjoy this without feeling like a dirty, disgusting, ungrateful piece of shit. i never write my feelings, this is kinda therapeutic (thanks "i dont smoke"-mitski). ik i'll look back on this and cringe but oh well. and theres this stupid boy that i had this weird hallway crush on and im pretty sure it was mutual but its been so long that now its just awkward and ik his feelings have gone away and i cant help but feel stupid. i'm a logical person, i always knew his crush was ego driven but still. like why did i even let him see that. bc ik he'll grow up and marry a white woman and i feel like a stupid, curry bitch. this is quite an extreme feeling for something as minute as this but idc. you know what im such a bad person. im sarcastic and cold and mean even to the people that are so nice to me. idk what to do, and im always angry, it's my mother's anger, i know it. it's my worst fear actually--being like her. but everyday i come closer. maybe im my mother's daughter, even though i don't want to be. im supposed to be doing my ap bio lab report. i think my love language is compliments, i hate to admit it but i think it is. i love being complimented, i love being assured, i love hearing words even though i know they're useless sometimes. sometimes i think about the people closest to me and i think "wow they are some terrible people" im not a saint but wow some people are terrible and i really hate them. always colorist and racist and stupid. i wish i was super disciplined, i wish i listened to my parents when they yell at me and took their advice. i wish i didn't mope in self pity. i wish i didn't watch what everyone else does and do nothing for myself. i wish i had the confidence to dress myself. i wish i wasn't so manipulative. i wish those stupid colonizers had not set foot in india. i wish i was tall. i love gifts too. maybe im materialistic and superficial. maybe i don't care. listening to this mitski song makes me feel bad for people i've been bitchy to. i wish i wasn't cold all the time. i wish i didn't get headaches so often. whatever i hope no one sees this and thinks that, in some fucked up way, they want to be as mentally ill as me. it's not fun, it's so far from fun i swear. don't ruin your life for an "aesthetic" be grateful for everything that you have, half of the world probably doesn't have what you do.

[solarsystem69]

Hi 😊 for the system asks how about 🤫: Any Funny System Stories? 🥰: Any Wholesome System Stories? 🎨: Any Hobbies That Everyone In The System Enjoys? - c (The Union)

(Some of this is text convos i’ve had with ex-best mates and some is nsfw cuz funny stories for us generally are rude in nature lol nothing too explicit just weird flirting really) 

we used to make lissie and max dance together and lissie is like "hes an arse but i like to dance so okay" and max is like "fuck off" he dances with her anyway. so like yeah. then we are listening to music and we're like "Dance with lissie" and hes like "no" and so lissie is like "just go back to your lonely tower then, you downer" and hes like "Fine, i will. I will go.. all alone... to my bedroom" like thats hmmm. so once hes gone, lilly is like "Thats an open invitation to you to come to his room to bone" and lissie is like "lol no... wait... is it??" and doll face is like "oh definitely  " and so we send lissie off to find out whether it was in invitation to bone or not. and in our front room we have screens. a main one for the outerworld and some other ones for different rooms in the inner world castle. and so i tap the screen cuz its a little sketchy to use. but anyway, lissie had been upstairs for a while so were worried he killed her  but we see what went on. Lissie went to his room and knocked on the door and he answers. and hes like "I thought you told me to go away." and shes like "Yeah but i didnt think you would and then lilly said you gave me an invitation to join you and bone so.. i just..." and hes like "You came to take me up on my offer to bone?" smirk and shes like "Ugh no. you're an arse and youre rude and obnoxious" and hes like "Oh please go on, im very flattered rn" and shes like "it wasnt a compliment. ugh i hate you." and he like " actually you dont. you like me " and shes like "what no ew" and hes like "You do. i can see it and i understand why. They are all the same downstairs and im not like them" and shes like "Woah, dont you dare say they. they are all individuals" and hes like "Yes. but theyve all got strong morals and good hearts. and youre bored. so you like me" and shes like "ill kick your ass okay. those things are good things to have. youre a jerk" and by now shes like gradually moved closer to be 'intimidating'? and hes like "oh really?" smirkyness and shes like "Yea. youre just so mean and arrogant and you are such a bad person, you need to be--" and hes like "Say it, baby. i dare you." and shes like "..Punished.." and then bam hes practically throwing her on the bed and like ......... so thats when i turned that screen off. so like hilarious in hindsight but at the time. shooketh.

Doll face and lilly integrated (merged into 1 chick) which makes sense because doll face is too emotionally stable but impulsive and lilly is too emotionally unstable but logical. they didnt choose it and it is fairly easy now. or easier. doll face (loved them so much but ) was wayyy too impulsive. always making decisions for the worse but were fun which would have been fine if they actually cared but they didnt. thats okay. they were young. and lilly was lonely and needed to care a little less about her past. and idk. but its deffo for the better. yeah they were family basically anyway so i think shes really happy about it tho sometimes they do look in a mirror like "Wow. now ive got no dick and some small tits". i mean lmao. she really does focus on the small boobs thing. and we're like "they are average 🙂 " and shes like "No. easy for u to say tit-anosaurus rex"

Also, Nate almost called one of our ex-best mates mum’s a milf. 

(ugh going through old messages to mates to see if i can find more funny stories ad accidentally came across trauma ewwww miss me with that shit)

Wholesome... hmmm. we have plenty of sorta funny, interesting stories. Oh actually yes. I know. Okay, so i sorta just am always stalking around the inner world so i see almost everything. But this starts in our front room (like our fronting room but our living room, its genius ik)  we were listening to music (or Nate was) and Fox decided to come dance in the fronting room to the bops and me and Lilly saw them dancing very saucily together 😏 ya know. So we laughed and left. So we're listening to music on the way home and Lilly, Fox and Nate are in the room. And its all chill and then Nate starts flirting with Fox and Fox is all blushing and looking down like "Idk what to do rn" and Lilly and I are laughing and then Fox slightly reciprocated (as a joke probably...) And now Nate jas him basically pinned against a wall. Not physically just like with his intense eye contact. 😂 its hilarious. Lilly is threatening to go get Lissie because she was like "You two dicks aren't going near each other." And Nates like "What gives you the right to declare where my cock goes?" 😂 like wow. And Lilly was like "Oh I'm just going to go get Lissie then" and Nate was like "No no. Don't do that." Cuz Lissie really has the right 😂😂. Nate asked Fox to kiss him and Fox said "No..." 😂 savage but then you make my balls so blue from heathers came on and I'm dead. Fox: Sorry. Its not you. I just can't.. Nate: Okay. You don't have to. Lilly and me: *Sad eye contact cuz we know why Fox doesn't want to kiss anyone* Fox: *Kisses Nate on the cheek* Nate: *Blushes adorably- breaking his bad ass persona* Nate: you know not all sexual stuff involves kissing. Uh. If you don't want it to. Fox: *giggles quietly like a lil twink* I don't want any sex though. As pretty as you are, I just don't want that. Nate: *is absolutely crushed* Yeah. Okay. But I need some cock so imma head out and try to gain some pride. Lilly: I've not built the village in this innerworld yet so.. Idk where you're heading out to. Nate: *sighs so deeply* I'll be in my room then. Stay out. Fox: Sorry. I didn't mean to egg him on at first only to deny him. I just thought it would be fun and then I thought even if it did lead to sex then it wouldn't matter because I don't mind and then I remembered that I did mind and I don't want that. Lilly: *hugs Fox* that's alright. He'll get over it. He's tried it on with all of us atleast once and we're all women. I would've saved Fox from Nate only He didn't look like he wanted to be saved. at this point in time, our innerworld was still being built by lilly so we all were sleeping in one room, with the littles. and i witnessed the sweetest thing. So I was doing the final checks to make sure everyone was in bed and since Nate doesn't want to sleep with the Littles anymore (they can be slightly irritating) I had to go find his room. He's in a tower room. Its not got a bed and it's freezing but hey no loud children. And as I'm about to turn the corner I see Fox knocking on his door after clearly being there for a while debating whether or not to because Nate told us to stay out. Quickly Nate opens the door and immediately as he sees fox, puts his hand on Fox's arm gently (how sweet. Hes not usually gentle) and Fox is all: I'm sorry. I just couldn't kiss you. Just recently with the bad things and the kissing involved in the bad thing. And Nates all: its okay. I shouldn't have put pressure on you like that. I'm so sorry. I understand. And he's hugging him. Like and kissing his head and hes like "Is that alright?" And fox is like "Yeah. Its nice." And squeezes the hug tighter. So sweet honestly. And then Nates like "I know I'm really sexual and that makes you uncomfortable a lot but you know I would never want you to do anything you didn't want to." And fox is all like "I'm just so scared that I'm never going to be able to kiss anyone ever again because I can't get over that time and I really want to forget it." And Nates hugging him really tight and cuz he's taller, he can rest his chin on Fox's head. And im still watching cuz I'm weird and entranced by these confessions. And then Nates like "Do you want to come in?" And Fox is like "No Littles tonight?" And Nates smiling nicely and is like "No I get nightmares and I don't wanna wake them up. And theyre annoying as heck." And fox is like "I know what you mean. Yeah I'll come in." And Nate leads Fox in by his hips gently. *fox and lissie talking bout feelings* Lissie: what's wrong, my sweet? Who hurt you? Fox: *Wiping tears away* no one really. I'm fine. I don't even know why I'm crying. Lissie: Its okay to be sad sometimes. Fox: I'm not sad. I'm nothing. Just numbness. Lissie: that's worse than being sad. Tell me, sweetie. What happened. Fox: I asked Nate to be my boyfriend. I mean, I was kissing him and I didn't get any flashbacks even when I was overthinking and remembering. Nothing and it was so relieving. And I asked him. And he said he had to go for a walk. Lissie: Oh darling. It'll be okay. He loves you. Fox: Does he now? sigh I just love him so much. I love him more than you approve of. I love him so much I don't know what to do. But in not what he needs. He wants physical love and even so, he cant handle commitment. And I know that you don't want us together so you'll get your wish but I need him. Ive never been so relaxed and happy. Lissie: That's true. I've never seen you so happy as recently. I'm glad Nate could bring that to you but I don't approve, no. But if you're going to be together, I will support it. I will encourage happiness, that's a promise I can keep. I'm not disapproving to make it impossible for you to be together, in only disapproving so you have to prove to me that you two can make it. If you two make each other happy, I will be there for you no matter what. Fox: Thank you..... They spoke more but I didn't listen. After strictly avoiding Nate for three days, Fox finally has the courage to face up to him. As the group exit the cozy dining room, Fox weakly holds on to Nate's elbow. Obeying, Nate stares at the ground, clenching his jaw. "I'll start, I suppose." Fox forces out, false confidence strengthening the statement. "I-I'm really sorry that I asked you out. Of course, you wouldn't say yes. That's fine. Completely fine. And I'm really sorry that I made you uncomfortable with me. I really do like you though. Like love really. And even though you don't feel the same... I can't just be your friend. We can keep trying but it will just make us both miserable. We're just lucky the others are giving us time to figure it out instead of just getting rid of us for being dramatic." Fox rants,  getting out of breath and manic toward the end. "I have never heard you say so many words. Are you okay?" Nate smiles charmingly, concerned. "No." Fox answers honestly, a tremble in his voice. Suddenly, Fox is embraced by warm, strong arms. Wriggling further into Nate's warmth, Fox breathes in the boyish scent of Nate. All sharp and smooth. The arms tighten around Fox's shoulders. "I love you too. You know this. I'm sorry that I've been... Not great recently. I just thought we could both use some space. The village... It's the next thing to be built. But I-I don't just want it there for sex. I wouldn't do that to you. I just like the people they're interesting and good friends. You're the one I want. They're nothing compared to the beautiful complexities of you. I hope you'll accept my request to be your boyfriend." Nate excruciatingly slowly spills his soul, hands rubbing the back of Fox's neck how he likes it. Fox freezes, slowly pulling away after a few moments. "You... I'm sorry, what?" Fox whispers, teary eyed. "Please let me be your boyfriend. I'll beg on my knees, I swear. I'm so sorry. I've never been so lonely as I've been without you. Please come back to me." Nate practically sobs, hands reaching up to cover his face. "You actually want to be my boyfriend? What? No... That can't be right... Right? What?" Fox, ever the articulate bean, mutters, completely confused and shocked. "Yes. I want to be your boyfriend. I won't have sex with anyone and I won't hug or touch anyone else I swear. I miss you so much. I hate everyone else so much. I need you." Nate falls to his knees, taking Fox's hand in his and pressed his lips to the soft skin as he rambles, tears falling down his face. "You absolute idiot. You moron. You complete fool." Fox sighs, rambling random tiny insults, before falling to his knees and taking Nate's face in his hands. "I'm so totally in love with you." Fox mumbles, pressing his forehead to Nate's. a couple weeks later: they sang a love song together. 😩 I literally cried. Nate on his guitar and Fox singing. Ive never seen him so relaxed and happy. Ahhh. I wanna cry I'm so excited. 😂😂😂 these boys will be the death of me. theyre both the biggest drama queens and they so gay.

im so sorry that was so long but their relationship created so much drama between us bc we didnt know if it would work out and theyre the most wholesome boys, except nate but well he has his moments. softest boiis uwu. 

Everyone in the system likes to sing and play games and read. Fox mainly likes to write and stuff but Evan is also knows for her nice stories on wattpad lmao. We arent very active, so we dont do much sport but we do like badminton and we used to do a running club. Evan likes baking, where it stressed me tf out. i cant even crack an egg right. only Evan draws really. Our main hobbies are minecraft, eating unhealthy foods and sleeping :) 

[shityexgf]

I’ll be honest seeing it at first was a lot. I spoon fed myself your trauma for days because I felt so guilty. Its been almost a month since my last log in. It might be even longer the next time, truth of the matter is, I shouldnt Feel guilty for picking myself. You couldn’t take a year of the total heartache of being in love with someone who didn’t love you the same...meanwhile I took more then a couple years of it. That’s not your problem tho, I shouldve Loved myself more then I tried To love you. Should’ve fixed myself instead of trying to fix you. I hope you aren’t hurting anymore, i never meant to hurt you. are you happier without me? Probably lol but that’s ok, I’m happy too. not happy to be without you necessarily, but without all the extra drama that we often brought one another. It’s funny, in 5 years you only spent 1 of them intentionally dating me, only 1 were you woke up and thought about how to make me smile, and not about your games or other shit that should’ve been second to me. I’m not angry but I will no longer not view our relationship as a whole, I sacrificed so much, we both did and I wont Ignore it just because I forgave you. We need the whole picture to understand why we are here. We are aren’t together. It wasn’t one isolated incident and it’s been made clear from this page that you didn’t believe in us from the beginning, I feel less blame because of that but it makes me angry Too lol like how DARE you ever look at me and question how I felt as I cried to you? beggggggged you to love me because I would crumble without you... and there you were lol thinking it would be nothing if we didn’t end up together. That you’d be ok without me (which is fine now that I think About it logically but love isn’t logical and you suck for that) I text Your phone lmao stupid right? knowing they never go through but I still do it. I do miss you, often so that’s why. K and I are still dating. he makes me happy, ik you might not care but I figured I’d tell you. Things are moving very slow, I talk to him about you, I’m still too mentally drained to be a gf and lucky enough he has no interest in a relationship rn. But it’s nice to have a man see and love me off bat. I wont Deny theres possibilities for him and I, hes Willing to work with me through both our traumas and I enjoy being taken care of. I wish You could’ve done that... cared for me and see my love and allow it to carry us even if we were hurting from our past. I Would’ve carried us until you could meet me there. I meant it when I said I’d do it all over if it meant loving you forever. but it wasn’t forever baby, All you had to do was be gentle with me, honest With me. Instead you broke me, again and again. And then I turned and broke you. We never had honesty, from the moment you lied about C we were doomed lol then Kiwi came and I lied and it only fed the cycle farther. I’m sorry if you felt that you were replaced. That wasn’t the case at all, he came in the same way you did lol unexpectedly. it wasnt intentional and yet here we are, only difference is the honesty. I’m able to be completely honest because I’ve never felt lied to, I’m able to be vulnerable without worrying I’ll look stupid. I feel powerful because of you. I didnt know who I was with you. I wanted to be any and everything for you that I simply had no clue as to what I wanted or who I waa. I have such clarity now. I demand so much more from the people who want to love me, top demand is “you will not have the opportunity to hurt me before you can be ok loving me” I will Leave anyone who doesn’t see my worth, anyone who makes me feel like I’m competing, anyone who fucking humiliates me (lol especially publicly that post is the most mortifying experience of my life to this day lmaoooo and I STAYED!!!) I never wanna be who I use to be back then. And I KNOW the same is true for you, your growth has been amazing, I’m soooo proud of you for putting your foot down with a few shit friends (imo) I may Not be able to see the man you grow to be but ik our relationship has contributed to such major

growth in both of us that I’m not worried. you will be happy, you’ll make it your priority to do so and I

love That for you. I love you. Idc if you believe it fully but I do. I want you to be happy so damn bad that I wanna cry sometimes but ik you will be ok so I dont Need to worry. Idk when or if I’ll be back here, I’ve been ok and I dont Wanna feel guilty again for choosing myself. I thought about changing the PW with my eyes close or having someone else do it but I won’t.. in case I ever Need to come back here.. in case you ever need to come back here.

i love you

[aitian]

5:43 am 12/29/2020

end of year.

feels right to revisit how i looked this yr on photobooth. most ppl only knew me through my webcam. i dont have many thoughts abt who i am or what im doing these days. mostly playing video games with alice. we smoked together a few days ago & i still feel like im in deadtime. like maybe i cant remember the important things im supposed to from the past. & rly existential lately. the panic is just in my throat, thinking abt how fast time is going & how there is no way back. i think there is a carceral logic behind the entrapment that all us depressed & anxious kids feel.. like the inadequacy of being alive, the failure to feel like a beautiful future is unfolding. im not sure anyone feels that way these days, & maybe thats why they r all holding on so desperately. all empires fall. im so grateful to be able to feel moms body & be her child these days. i just wanna lay my head on someones chest & feel good, warm, soft, coarse fabrics. also feeling anxious abt my classes, turning in the same essay that isnt rly an essay to all of my profs. oops. it was rly the best i could manage. vestigial body... i will finish writing smth i feel proud abt one day, & it will be written to myself. like this. 

idk when the last time i wrote was, but maybe i wanna talk abt my relationships. feels like i got a hard reset on my brain by smoking with alice. oh god. anyway i havent been talking to sherry & adele recently bc i just dont feel right around them. in november remembering again what it felt like to feel so unwelcome all the time, feel that energy & those manners replicated by them toward me.. ik i should just talk to people frankly abt the things im uncomfortable with at home now that i have so much practice doing it but i just dont want to. somehow it feels like they should all just know, that they are living alongside me all this time in various ways even if i am not saying things to them, & our actions that connect us in relationship are felt by them too. & there is some part of refusal to see the relationship for what it is. im not begging for some trans pity or for commitment.. those kinds of relationship arent real. what is real is wanting to spend time with me, wanting to experience some sort of exchange between bodies, wanting to walk toward near horizons. feels like everyone who listens & agrees when i speak just does it to be amicable. there are only so many ways i can reassure myself that ppl understand me for who i am, even when they are constantly being led astray to hurt me. like alice saying its good for doctors to have objective views of their patients, outside of any other relationship. mom saying that she trusted our teachers to teach us what we needed. getting weirdly gendered messages from friends at home, & never asked in good faith about how i feel. its rly so shitty that even questions like how was the day or what ru thinking rn or whats on the horizon r things they want me to ask, then dont want to answer, & make fun of bc they feel awkward saying anything. so stupid. its this kind of shit that holds me back from letting my desires be known, these rituals of repression & shame. & i always wanna hear ppls desires & then immediately regret asking to know that our relationship is in direct conflict with their utopias. so stupid.

today after dinner, which was in the late evening, mom & alice & i did some short yoga stuff & then we did silly lion dancing. im still sore. i stretched out everything that felt sort afterward. anyway, felt good to be goofy & sweat & breathe hard. 

what im feeling abt this year: - vestigial body x1000 --> dark room, heart beating fast, waiting & squeezing. theres that episode of midnight gospel when the dying dog/reindeer lady talks abt giving birth & dying, like squeezing & tensing & on no this moment will never end & then releasing & coming to rest & then all over again. & that is what i think abt every time i feel in panic now, or in a deep place of fear. there r some pains that cant be escaped, & they dont need to be. they r felt all the same.  - i made a new friend through q&a who is a kid im supposed to b mentoring. it just means that all relationships are reciprocal (i dont like that word either, but they r never simply one way or transactional) & we met every thursday during the school yr. i prepared short stories for us to read & writing prompts, & we wrote abt stuff.  - i just cant remember. all i remember abt this summer was going to stone valley with mom, feeling the sunlight & my tiredness (in an enveloping selse, toward my body & my spirit), playing games w sherry, playing some piano, & working on that fire emblem romhack. feels like the year went by so quickly. like i just had my birthday a few days ago, & now the new year means it is coming again soon. sometimes whole lives are vestigial. what is gruesome & magnificent abt that is that those vestigial bodies are hard to kill without clear intentions & collective effort. what sucks is the entrapment. i have been feeling this cant remember feeling in a bigger way, toward what my life was like before college, toward who i was in college now that i am so removed, & even more toward the kid whose world blossomed into smth they desperately desired & felt afraid of. middle school me would be horrified. maybe an even younger me would be proud, feel in awe or struck by the rightness of home. - i want to remember mom. the way she walks around with her hands in her pockets. 帅吗。:). how we skip/gallop sideways to avoid the wind on our walks, & she bounces when she walks like a silly kid. i love her. unruly gender, stubbornness of feelings, failure failure failure is why we r hurt but also why we r rly still allowed to be here. thinking abt moms essay, moving away from her grandma, thinking she would live together again someday. thinking abt how im home this yr, in a way i thought maybe i would never be ever again. its so cruel to leave love behind for the sake of a ritualized life i could never participate in. i wont do it. i just wont.

some feelings abt the coming year - i want to meet someone like myself & fall in love. deeply, with myself, in relationship. i wanna have sex too, & feel held in my being alive. i wanna be allowed to enjoy my body in even more regards like wearing short sleeves & feeling the sun on my arms free from dysphoria, existing in public not noticeably & feeling the evaporation of racial tension, waking up with that feeling of possibility, like i want to be alive & eat food & go outside & do those things in my body that remind me that i am a part of how the rest of this world is growing. i wanna be held in that knowing, together, of wellness & movement toward everything that means we matter to each other.  - playing video games has been so important to this vestige & i dont want it to remain that way. i wanna collect stuff & grow stuff in real life, & grow myself & my relationships too. its not living when its the mourning of the freedom i should have always had & should have every moment i am continuing to life unfreely. - i wanna do some stuff to express gratitude to the ppl i have continued some sort of relationship with. feel bad abt how no one has emailed me back in more than a month now. maybe wanna do a q&a chapbook or yearbook. complex feelings bc i am so not in relationship with the ppl i wanna care abt. it sucks. part of that is letting go of guilt too, & being real with myself abt how much responsibility is on the other body to make me feel okay in our relationships. its rly not my fault that, u kno.. everyone is used to making someone like me feel like shit. sad that my most continuous relationships this yr r with professors. those dumb feelings of obligation r killer. i guess im grateful to be legible in some ways, while feeling the intensely awkward unwillingness to be real abt our positions relative to each other. i think lots more happening in this regard in the coming months w classes, blk atlantic ecologies, maybe smth w prof lee. & sometimes thinking abt what grad school would mean. - i wanna feel slow, i wanna feel like myself, i wanna feel free. some feelings r sitting in the garden on my own in the spring, planting some stuff. thinking abt what it might grow into, coming back again & again. the sun ducks behind clouds & comes back out, & the world feels so light & passing by. & time feels forever, like i have so much patience to dream & breathe & observe. this is one of my early memories, watching shadows on the concrete/sidewalks at preschool, feeling warmer then colder then warmer again. i also wanna feel the kind of collectivity that makes me know we all insist on home. i want it to branch beyond this home that i know. & also mean that i will not throw this away. im thinking abt how to exist intimately with more than one person at once. it is smth i will learn as it comes into my life.