#idkkkkk lots of thoughts in the brain space today

[oh-katsuki]

being a writer and putting my work on the internet can be a little hard (rly hard), especially when i don't post fic often or frequently or spend a lot of time on one fic in particular.

like as a writer, i know i have a lot to work on. i constantly see things that need improvement or change. lots of fundamental parts of my stories are full of things or centered around things that i'd like to improve on. and i recognize that. i always have room to grow and get better.

it's tough though because being able to see and be critical of what i'm lacking as an artist makes it really hard to post a story or fic with confidence. even a finished story has things i'd like to change or improve on, though most of the changes are entirely structural or habitual, which are really hard to correct without rewriting the fic entirely. for example, as i was beta reading the notebook theory, i realized that a lot of my long fics follow the same story structure with little variation (specifically when it comes to smut). i tend to write within the same confines of storytelling with a shift in plot, motivations, themes, and characters. outside of that though, i've realized that a lot of things that i write are, more or less, very similar.

this could be because i have not been very into writing smut in the first place recently so the insertion of the scene feels unnatural and repetitive, or because i have written within the same genre of pining romance for about a year and a half now, or it could be something entirely different. it's probably a plethora of short comings that i have as a writer that i need to address one by one.

anyway, all of this to say that knowing those things and being in a stage of my writing journey where the places i need to improve are GLARINGLY obvious, makes it super hard to feel secure posting. i'm having trouble feeling proud of what i write. being honest, it feels like my stories and fics go absolutely nowhere and say absolutely nothing, though i hope that they don't come across that way to others who read them.

i'm having trouble seeing the value in my work because of it, which is a really tough pill to swallow. that sucks too because i write what i do for myself and not being able to see the value in it makes me really frustrated. i guess the best way to describe it is that even after finishing a long fic, i feel very stuck. frankly, i've been feeling this way since i started writing the inbetween, but i think i've only just put my finger on the reason. i think im frustrated with my writing style and the types of stories that i tell, which is difficult because i really like the genre i write in. they feel very stale to me and i'm having trouble viewing myself as a good writer, within or outside of that genre. it's not that i have to be good, but i want to be and i want to continue improving, i just feel like i've hit a ceiling that i can't move beyond.

and all that makes it a little scary to post something or to start something. i'm kind of sitting here now, adding the final touches to the notebook theory, and wondering if it's even worth posting. which i know is stupid because i worked hard on it and it doesn't have to be perfect. idk i guess lately all of the things i write have this perpetual feeling of incompletion that i can't seem to get rid of no matter what i change, rewrite, or edit.

anyway, that's all. these are just some thoughts i've been having.