#ive been feeling this for a while

[oh-katsuki]

being a writer and putting my work on the internet can be a little hard (rly hard), especially when i don't post fic often or frequently or spend a lot of time on one fic in particular.

like as a writer, i know i have a lot to work on. i constantly see things that need improvement or change. lots of fundamental parts of my stories are full of things or centered around things that i'd like to improve on. and i recognize that. i always have room to grow and get better.

it's tough though because being able to see and be critical of what i'm lacking as an artist makes it really hard to post a story or fic with confidence. even a finished story has things i'd like to change or improve on, though most of the changes are entirely structural or habitual, which are really hard to correct without rewriting the fic entirely. for example, as i was beta reading the notebook theory, i realized that a lot of my long fics follow the same story structure with little variation (specifically when it comes to smut). i tend to write within the same confines of storytelling with a shift in plot, motivations, themes, and characters. outside of that though, i've realized that a lot of things that i write are, more or less, very similar.

this could be because i have not been very into writing smut in the first place recently so the insertion of the scene feels unnatural and repetitive, or because i have written within the same genre of pining romance for about a year and a half now, or it could be something entirely different. it's probably a plethora of short comings that i have as a writer that i need to address one by one.

anyway, all of this to say that knowing those things and being in a stage of my writing journey where the places i need to improve are GLARINGLY obvious, makes it super hard to feel secure posting. i'm having trouble feeling proud of what i write. being honest, it feels like my stories and fics go absolutely nowhere and say absolutely nothing, though i hope that they don't come across that way to others who read them.

i'm having trouble seeing the value in my work because of it, which is a really tough pill to swallow. that sucks too because i write what i do for myself and not being able to see the value in it makes me really frustrated. i guess the best way to describe it is that even after finishing a long fic, i feel very stuck. frankly, i've been feeling this way since i started writing the inbetween, but i think i've only just put my finger on the reason. i think im frustrated with my writing style and the types of stories that i tell, which is difficult because i really like the genre i write in. they feel very stale to me and i'm having trouble viewing myself as a good writer, within or outside of that genre. it's not that i have to be good, but i want to be and i want to continue improving, i just feel like i've hit a ceiling that i can't move beyond.

and all that makes it a little scary to post something or to start something. i'm kind of sitting here now, adding the final touches to the notebook theory, and wondering if it's even worth posting. which i know is stupid because i worked hard on it and it doesn't have to be perfect. idk i guess lately all of the things i write have this perpetual feeling of incompletion that i can't seem to get rid of no matter what i change, rewrite, or edit.

anyway, that's all. these are just some thoughts i've been having.

[castlevaniaobssessed]

I just be having no interest in talking to men....like...why would I talk to you when I can talk to literally anyone else....

[anbaisai]

how it felt to wake up today

[kitamars]

doodles as i relive my spideyman phase from eighth grade

[mxcrayon]

losing my actual mind rn

i had this interaction in the dropout discord (i am the first and third person). short. simple. i only got the first year bc of a discount + a gift card i had, so i was planning on using this person's suggestion.

then, i got this.

oh my god!! how nice!! how sweet!!! how thoughtful!! i gave them my email and they sent over a subscription, i thanked them profusely. i was very grateful, very touched.

hours and hours later i was still thinking about it and i recalled how, in the email id gotten about it, it said "tao yang sent you a subscription" and id seen that and thought "oh haha like the tao yang" and then moved on

but now, thinking back, i was like.... theres no way, so i googled tao yang.

......

TAO YANG BOUGHT ME A FUCKING ANNUAL DROPOUT SUBSCRIPTION

[araekniarchive]

@mnvart // Kaveh Akbar, 'Calling A Wolf A Wolf' // @PinkRangerLB on Twitter // @kosmogrl // @devinsturk, '15 Proverbs for the Fellow Chronically Ill' // Jasmine Deporta // Anaïs Nin, House of Incest // the gentle wisdom uquiz by @inkskinned // Rora Blue, 'Sweet Dreams' // Hala Alyan, Dear Layal

[transthatfag]

kinda vampy

[slavhew]

charmed, i'm sure

[beaulesbian]

"The world should have protected you, but you have been asked to protect it. What an honor. What an injustice." - NADDPOD, Bahumia campaign ep. 97 (x)

[jennjamindraws]

having siblings as an adult is fun… mostly 🥲 luckily Branch knows better than to retaliate… mostly

[amethyst-halo]

"what happened to mom?" "..." "she left." "left?" "she didn't even look at us."

[theoldkyokodied]

Uploading all my Tomgreg art at once from the past few week before season 4 hits, who knows in what kind of mental state i'm gonna be once it does :')

[lonli-lokli]

felt like making myself sad

[dizzybizz]

ms jay herself (and apple)

[1071png]

forza finale

[mossy-aro]

ultimately i think my insistence on aro positivity honestly is as much a political stance as a personal one.

when i say aro positivity is crucial and that i dislike doomer-ist posts that express sentiments like 'I hate being aro so much I wish I was dead instead’ it's not because I don’t think there can and should be a space for negativity and acknowledging self-hate, or the many ways being aromantic can really suck sometimes. i find that to be very important!

that being said. there is smth here about how self-hate posts are sometimes just arophobia that we inflict on ourselves. and when we put that out into the ether it (intentionally or not) can become arophobia that we inflict on other members of the community. i think there absolutely needs to be a place for negativity and the expression of anger and frustration and self loathing even - these are all good things to talk about because these are things that we experience. that being said, it can also be genuinely upsetting and triggering to people to have what is essentially arophobia shown to them and then have that be validated by other aspec people. your personal thoughts can affect your wider community on a level you may not anticipate. and i understand it i truly do! it took me so long to be able to recover from accepting being aroace - it threw my entire world off kilter and made me question everything about my place in the world.

but my insistence on aro joy and positivity is because ultimately i do believe that building is at the core essence of it all. that ultimately discussions and the purpose of community should be about construction, not destruction. and this is both a personal and a political stance. talking about how much you hate yourself and cultivating online discussions/spaces where negativity about aspec identity is the main and only theme is destructive - if that’s where we let the conversation end. these thoughts can and should be used as a vehicle to look for a path forward!

joy and positivity create a space where the focus can become on forging a path forward, on construction, on community building instead of tearing ourselves and others down with negative thoughts. it’s not productive or healthy when it stops at a place of negativity - it becomes actively destructive to the essence of community.

and i do think that this is especially poignant considering the fact that being any kind of queer, but especially aromantic (and/or asexual) means forging a path for yourself and making your own happiness where there is no obvious way forward. our communities exist mostly online (right now, anyway), there is little recognition of our existence in the real world, the effects of amatonormativity are both pervasive and actively dehumanising, and there are legal, economic and social structures in place actively making our lives more difficult. yes that all sucks! it’s good to acknowledge that. we need to in order to change it. but more importantly, that’s not the end. we are still here and our happiness, our future is for us to determine. even if we can’t change the laws or society, loving yourself and understanding aromanticism as a political identity (as well as personal), as a radical worldview, and as a protest against amatonormativity is essential for both community and personal well being. the personal is political.

tldr. i guess my point is that as a community, we should focus on building, improving, and nurturing ourselves and each other (construction) as opposed to destruction. we should recognise aromanticism and asexuality as political identities as well as personal ones and rely on community and self-love in the absence of anything else as a form of protest and political power. destruction (the recognition of everything that is wrong) is essential as a starting point - but where do we go from there? we rebuild.