#if i still had that i coulda done it and a sherlock holmes..

[plaquerat]

if my other class doesnt have a list of works and writers to choose from and it is "read two by the same author and compare them" i am very much going to have to go with american psycho and less than zero good lord

[nyaruhodou]

let's go over this one more time. time? we ran out of it a while ago. inspector if you cant find the murderer, i suggest wrapping this up. (yeah) my guests and i grow tired of your department's incompetence. shut your monopoly ass up. this is a homicide and we're not mall cops, alright? (the hell?) and right now you're acting like one suspicious milk mustache bitch. who's this asshole? your worst FUCKIN nightmare. you'll have to excuse jimmy here he's a rookie detective from AAU. second team, all state. the killer broke in the room by jumping from the balcony of a neighboring window. self explanatory from there. (oh god no!) c'mon that'sa 20 foot gap. no one could make that! if you 50/50 and boneless off the rail, you can. (dammit.) well you got the 'how', but who did it? goin by the alibis, only one person here coulda done it. yeah, and? ...sitting right there. uhhh i'm in a wheelchair, kid. you might wanna check your math on that one. yeah check your geography. ah shit! you're not crippled!? jesus christ! A-A-R-I-P. alright let's get outta here before SNL starts. fuck you whores! yo hold up! you have the right to remain silent. anything you- jimmy you can't read miranda rights to a corpse. ya did great, kid. now just work on that ego. what good's bein the one if you're the only one who knows it? (you got that from j. cole.) (i wanna waterboard my dad.) (ayyyy 103.4, the whitest hip hop on air.) oh, god. hey man, it's 2 pm, could you keep it down? oh sorry, jimmy, i was just making pipe bombs out of 4loko and nail polish. sick. (and i'm sick and tired of your bitchass boyfriend, too!) (dad, just chill the fuck out.) god damn dammit! gahhhh! he's the first world famous sleuth out of high school. ehhh he's a fuckin hack. what, just cuz he's young? you know who else came out of high school? lebron james. guess what happened to him. ummmmm, well- GUESS!!! what happened to lebron james, dad? lost the FUCKIN NBA finals! alright. RAGHHHHHH! i still don't get why you quit the soccer team. cuz soccer's bullshit. i dunno, you were pretty good. (i like classical music.) yeah but it's like sherlock holmes always said: any sport where you can't use your hands is conservative propaganda. ...yeah. you might not realize it but sherlock was on some next level shit. y-yknow, here's a dude who played violin AND made the double snapback fashionable. that downey jr movie kinda sucked? yeah maybe but sherlock didn't get this fanmail. how many of those girls are 18? oh.... (fuck, my tic-tacs). why did we come here again? it's fun. this place is for babies. so by 1989 sherlock was number ONE in the country, the youngest in the history- jimmy i really don't give a shit. oh did i mention roller coasters are stupid? let's ride this joint. how the hell d'you get decapitated on a roller coaster. we didn't do nothin, let us go. walking around a theme park in a trench coat makes you suspect for anything. like, i bit my tongue five minutes ago and i think you did it. (he's lookin for trouble.) okay, so 5 passengers but only 3 of em had the reach to do it. what do ya think, jimmy? i already got it figured out. oh, yeah? well then, who? the killer is... that chick! ehh...... she was further away than anyone, what the FUCK are you talkin about!? lemme show you. it's true. if i couldn't have him, nobody can, so i KILLED him! a-actually, i was just joking, but, y'know, way to confess without a lawyer. (fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!) hey i know we're in babyland but you don't have to act like one too. someone just DIED, jimmy. jeez, all your video games made you a sociopath. huh? hm... hey i know you're in need but i gotta jump a bitch, see ya! what the hell, ma? (jimmy... those are nice MN3s.) hey there man, you got the stuff? yeah, i got the stuff. you wanna see it? lay it on me, large man. alright here it is: ten million unmarked dave and buster's bucks. yeah. alright now your end of the deal. the fuck are you doin? huh? ngh! eric, what the hell! sorry dylan i didn't know he was followin me! don't worry about it i got the black market's newest poison.

one cap of this and he's gone for good. get your heavy head over here. yeahhhh drink that kool-aid jammer. aight lets get the fuck outta here. ey ya heard that? yeah it sounded like a coupla trench coats. (ugh... oh my god...) ah nah its just some boy. ('boy', am i in fuckin georgia?) dont worry boy we'll take ya home. (i'm white but this still feels racist.) eyyyyyyy what's goin on? jesus christ what'd you DO all night? Not Another Teen Movie marathon. wh- they only made one of those! yeah, i watched it 3 times. y'know if molly ringwald died in the 80s she'd be like meryl streep right now. that almo... no that didn't make any sense. (what were those cops calling me again?) huh? what!? (oh, that's great.) shit! why- what the... oh, wait... (those trench coat guys... that poison they had...) i really gotta get home. (ey you've reached the jim jam jimmy man always detective signed to young money ymca represent) oh, no. it's been 5 years and he still hasn't changed his answering machine. told you your boyfriend was a fuckin mathlete moron. hngggggh ngh huh? ah shit! doc, what's going on? who are you? what are you talking about? it's me, jimmy. yeah very funny, run along. no, i'm not fuckin around! you're dr randy agasa. 53 years old. you make bullshit experiments and collect checks from the government. wha- why would jimmy tell you a thing like that!? I'M jimmy, you fat, four-eyed, fuck-faced loser! eh- only jimmy makes me feel THAT insecure. but yeah that's one helluva trip, man. yeah why do you have clothes for 6 year olds lying around? jimmy just do me a favor and NEVER ASK THAT AGAIN. (anyone home?) huh? quick, hide! hey, what are you doing here. oh you know, just fuckin around with my desk. grrrr.... huh? you tryin to hide something? uh... hey there, what's your name? co... nan.... yeah conan. conan? kid, your parents suck. they do! social services dumped him off on me as his only living relative. well that's rough. you can stay with us if you want. would you like that, conan? uh, no? (this is bullshit.) so like, what do you do for fun? uhhhh nothing much. do you have a girlfriend? do you have a restraining order? what's this? your new home. oh, cool. (smells like cup noodles with bleach.) rachel you'll never believe what happened- fuckin shit! new job, new client. hop yourself in the cab, bring the kid too! wow, alright. taxi!!! mm! wait up! so we hopped in the cab to check out some case with a rich guy's daughter kidnapped and jesus christ, money makes people CRAZY. some shit went down and uh, long story short, i live with my girlfriend and her dad rent free.

and it's a pretty sweet deal.

[orange-waterfalls]

Can We Talk?

Bim Trimmer x m!reader

ty @just-bts-trash-00 for the request!

A/N: WHOOOOOOO BOY HOWDY, GUESS WHO'S BACK. It's been uh. A while. I'm sorry? School has been hectic and my mental health is SHIT, but i fucking finished it holy god. Anywaaaays, angst. Y'all remember Bim's crush on Matthias? Yeah that's the plot. It's pretty long and I think it's pretty shit but uh here I guess.

Word count: 2.9k

--

You hummed quietly as you fixed dinner for you and your boyfriend in the kitchen. Normally, you didn’t cook. Neither did Bim. Therefore, one of you had to be the cook in the relationship, and you supposed it had to be you. You couldn’t just get takeout until the end of time.

Well… maybe if you really wanted to.

But you didn’t. You wanted to cook for your boyfriend. He’d said something about “Jewish burgers” one day, and you didn’t know what that meant. At this point, you were too scared to ask. You’d found a recipe for shawarma, and he’d liked that shawarma place you went to the other day, so you were making shawarma. At least… you did your best.

You yawned and rubbed your eyes, quickly hissing because you somehow forgot there was a bunch of shit on your hands. You quickly turned the faucet on and put your eye under the stream to clean it out.

As you dried your face, you heard a car pull up to the driveway, along with three short honks. You smiled. Finally. You wiped your hands on a rag and turned around to greet your gameshow host.

“Honey, I’m home!” He said in a sing-songy voice as he looked around for you. He saw you leaning on the kitchen counter and smiled. He shrugged off his suit jacket and sat his bag down. He walked towards you with his arms open. You pushed yourself off of the counter and fell into him.

“Hi…” you whispered. He chuckled and held you tight.

“What’s up?” He sniffed the air. “And what’s cooking?”

“Shawarma…” you said, your voice muffled in his neck.

“And uh… what’s wrong?” You brought your head up and squinted at him. “Ah, of course. The process of making the shawarma. What else would it be?” You shoved your face back in his neck with a grunt of affirmation. He snorted and patted your back. He directed you towards the couch, where you plopped down on your back with a groan.

“Dinner…” you whined. He sat his phone on the coffee table and took his shoes off.

“I’ll finish it up.” He patted your stomach.

“Thank you…” He kissed your forehead and walked away, letting you have your rest. You felt kinda bad, he’d been working all day, and it must be tiring having to sound so happy all the time. Then again, YOU worked all day too, AND you tried to make dinner. Your small rest was earned.

You closed your eyes and sighed, relaxing into the sofa. You startled a bit at the notification sound coming from his phone.

“Bim, your phone… binged…” You called. Binged? Was that the word?

“I’ll be done in a minute.” He responded.

Dinged! That was it.

You glanced at the phone. It didn’t sound like his usual texting sound, and he didn’t have any games as far as you knew. Maybe it was an email.

Your curiosity got the better of you and you checked the lockscreen.

Yup! Email. From someone named… M? Who was that?

You shrugged and put it back down. None of your business.

Bim walked back into the living room holding two plates.

“Dinner is served!” He said in a bad English accent.

“Woo…” You cheered weakly and sat up. He put the plates on the table and went back towards the kitchen. “Oh, I bought wine earlier. The good shit, that Dark gets sometimes.”

“Damn, really? How much did that cost you?” He asked in disbelief.

“It was on sale.”

“Why would the good shit be on sale?”

“Some people just don’t have taste.” You smiled when you heard him laugh. He walked back in with two wine glasses and the bottle. “Oh, you have an email from someone named ‘M’.” He tensed up when he heard the name.

That’s… weird…

“O-Oh, uh… thanks…” He scrambled to grab his phone and shoved it in his pocket. You quirked an eyebrow at him. Suspicious…

“Uh… no problem…” He looked nervous as he poured wine for you two. You squinted at him a bit, wondering why he was so anxious. You trusted him, of course you did, but this was… weird.

You two sat and ate your dinner in silence. You kept trying to look at him but he avoided your eyes. When you finished your food, you poured more wine into your glass and downed it.

This was gonna be one of those days.

--

Yes, okay, you were drunk. Not blackout drunk, but drunk enough to not exactly know what was going on. You knew that Bim was a bit drunk as well and you two were laughing at… something… but other than that, you got nothing.

“I’m ju-I’m jus-I’m…” You paused and blinked a couple times to process your own words. “I’m just saying that Twilight coulda been sssssoooo much better… if the portag… protagonist… fuck’s her name again?”

“Bella?” Bim chuckled.

“That’s the bitch!” You slammed your hand down on the table. Bim wheezed. “If she’d just had… a little-a little more e-mo-tion, a little more person… personality… then Twilight coulda been better! But noooooo, she had ta be… the most person-boring person in cinematic history. Bull. shhhhhit.”

“Well, she’s… she needs to… young girls have to… relate to her!”

“Okay, but like… she’s a got-damn plank o’ wood.”

“Tha-hahahaha! That’s not fair!”

“She is! She never-she’s not-she-oh god, I’m drunk…” You squeezed your eyes shut and leaned forward, face angled at the floor in case you got nauseous.

“Yeah… me too…” He sighed.

“Hey, hey Bim?” You opened an eye and turned to him. He hummed in response. “Who’s ‘M’?” He tensed up again and you frowned.

“Uh, nobody. Nobody! D-Don’t worry about it!” He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair.

“Suspicious…” you mumbled.

“Huh?”

“Nothin’.”

You tilted your head at him, half trying to figure out who it could be(which was very difficult in your drunken state) and half trying to read his mind. You supposed he got kind of uncomfortable because he said:

“I’m gonna… go into my office… and check some things…” He stood up and shuffled into a small room that he’d claimed as his office. You sighed and sunk back into the couch, thinking about your options.

First step was communication. You tried to talk to him, but he was being evasive and didn’t honestly answer the question. Suspicious.

Second step was… looking around the house for clues as to who it was like you were Sherlock Holmes? Absolutely.

You brought yourself to your feet, only stumbling a little, and tiptoed to your shared bedroom. You closed the door behind you as softly as you could before walking over to the closet. You opened it and looked for a moment before deciding it wasn’t worth to actually move things around. You shut the door and moved to the drawers. If anything was gonna be anywhere, it would be in the sock drawer, right? You reached out and put your hand on the handle. You tugged a bit, cracking it open, just a little. Your brain kept telling you that you were already there, just get it over with.

But your heart(well… still your brain, but whatever) was telling you that you needed to trust your boyfriend if this relationship was going to work.

You sighed and shut the drawer, flopping face-first onto the bed.

Bim wasn’t the type to cheat. Well… you didn’t think so, anyways. You loved him and… well, you hoped he loved you. You were going to have faith in your boyfriend. No matter how curious you were.

You shifted around in the bed so you were laying in the correct direction. You were still on your stomach, and you closed your eyes, facing the wall opposite of the door.

After a few minutes, you heard the door quietly creak open. The lights turned off and you heard footsteps make their way towards the bed. You smiled a bit and turned your head to look at Bim. Your smile fell as you saw him open the sock drawer and pull a napkin out.

“Hi Bim.” you said. He screamed and shoved the napkin back in the drawer, slamming it shut. You blinked at him.

“H-Hi, darling, I-I didn’t know you were awake…” He stuttered.

“I was.” You raised your eyebrows.

“Well… I can see that…” He laughed nervously. You looked at his hand on the drawer.

“What were you looking at?” You asked.

Please tell me the truth, you begged in your head.

“Oh, uh… n-nothing important, haha…”

Dammit, Bim.

“Okay, well… come to bed?” You suggested. You smiled at him as best you could.

“Uh… I’m kinda busy…” He scratched his head. You frowned.

“Please?” You begged and held your arms out. He opened his mouth to oppose, but he decided to make eye contact for the first time tonight since dinner. He visibly relaxed and smiled at you, and you smiled back. He sighed and took his glasses off. You scooted over so he could climb in next to you. You wrapped your arms around him and snuggled into his chest.

“I love you…” you whispered. He didn’t say anything for a moment before he chuckled.

“I love you, too. Night, darling.”

“Good night.”

--

You woke up feeling cold. You reached out to your boyfriend, but he wasn’t there. You rolled over and looked at the time. 3:00 am. Jesus, what was Bim doing? You slowly stood up and got out of bed, still feeling very tired. You walked around for a bit, searching for your partner, before pausing.

Was he… talking to someone? At this hour?

You walked towards the bathroom, where Bim’s voice was coming from. You put an ear against the door, trying to listen.

“Why can’t he just leave me alone, why can’t he just let me live my life?!” He whisper-yelled. “I’m perfectly content with how I am now. He didn’t want me when I was available, and now I’m unavailable, and suddenly he loves me?! What kind of bullshit is that?!” You frowned, not knowing who he was talking to. You were worried because of how upset he sounded. You softly knocked on the door.

“Bim? You alright?” You asked quietly. You heard a small thump from inside and flinched.

“Y-Yeah! Just… Just give me a minute!” He yelled. You walked away from the door and looked into the office. You saw your jacket on the floor and scoffed. How’d that get there?

You walked to the other side of the room and grabbed it. As you were walking back, something caught your eye. Bim hadn’t turned the computer off. You figured you’d do it for him. As you went to click out of the open tab, you saw messages on the screen. From ‘M’.

M

Do you love me?

B

Sure

M

So, you’ll get me on your gameshow again?

B

I’ll try.

M

Oh. I see.

B

I’ll try my best. I’ll do anything for you.

M

Anything?

B

Yes

M

Leave your boyfriend

Hello?

Trimmer? You there?

Your vision started to blur and you were confused until you felt the tears start down your face. You were still drunk, right? That’s why you were so emotional.

Yep. That’s it. That’s the only reason.

You wiped your face and went back to the bathroom door. He was still talking, but more quietly so you didn’t really hear him. After a minute or two, he sighed and unlocked the bathroom door. You stepped away and leaned on the wall opposite the door. Bim walked out and yelped.

“Oh my God! Hi!” He laughed. “I-I didn’t know you were still out here, uh…” He looked at you and furrowed his eyebrows. “Your… eyes are kinda red… are you ok?” He reached out to touch your face but you avoided his hand.

“No, no. I’m fine. Just… need to use the… bathroom…” You said, managing to not have any voice cracks or slur any words. Nice.

“I… ok…” He dropped his hand and walked towards your bedroom. You went into the bathroom, shutting and locking it behind you. You hiccuped a bit before tears started streaming down your face. You leaned your forehead on the door, just letting it all out. You hadn’t cried in a while, that’s all.

That is the only reason.

You stood there and cried for a bit before walking over to the sink and looking at yourself in the mirror.

God, you were a mess.

Your eyes were all red and puffy, there were tear marks on your cheeks, you kept sniffling like a goddamn third grader.

And it… hurt.

Not just your eyes stinging from the tears. Although that hurt too.

The fact that he was hiding from you, that he wouldn’t talk to you, that he didn’t trust you.

You sighed and shut your eyes. You turned the faucet on, splashing water on your face, wiping all the evidence away.

You turned the water off and stared at your face, dripping wet, looking a bit shit.

“I’ll talk to him in the morning…” you promised yourself. You went back into your bedroom, finding Bim already asleep. You climbed in next to him, but didn’t hold him like you usually did. You curled up and turned away.

You’d talk to him in the morning.

--

You went to the living room after waking up and getting ready. You were supposed to go into work, but you told your boss you were having “family problems” and might come in later. You sat on the couch and watched a bit of tv while you waited for Bim to wake up. He had the day off, so he didn’t have to worry about anything. He was

You sat with your knees tucked in. You lifted your head a bit when you heard th shower turn on. You sighed and thought about what you were supposed to say.

Hi, Bim. I’m worried about you. Is there anything you want to tell me?

Hi, Bim. You’ve been acting weird recently. Everything ok?

Hi, Bim. I went through your messages. Are you cheating on me?

You groaned and buried your face in your hands. Why was this happening? Was he not happy? Were you doing something wrong?

As you were overthinking, the shower turned off. You uncovered your face and turned the TV off. You sat and waited for Bim to enter the living room.

Okay, just… tell him what happened.

Bim walked in wearing a T-Shirt and sweatpants. He went to the door and grabbed a jacket.

“We need more chicken, I’ll head to the store and-”

“Can we talk? Can you sit down for a second?” You interrupted. He froze halfway through putting his jacket on and stared at you.

“Um… okay…” He said slowly. He put the jacket on the back of his chair and sat. You sighed and put your legs down.

“Last night, when you were in the bathroom, I went into your office,” you explained. His eyes widened. Not a good sign.

“Why-Why did you do that?” His voice cracked as he spoke.

“I saw my jacket on the floor.” His face twitched into a scowl for a millisecond.

“Okay… and?”

“And… I figured I’d turn your computer off for you.” You avoided looking at him. “I s-saw some messages, and I wanted to ask-”

“I’m not cheating on you!” He claimed loudly. You blinked and looked at him. He looked scared. Kinda panicked.

“Okay…”

“I-I don’t like him anymore! That was like a joke message! I didn’t mean it, I just wanted to know if he actually felt anything for me, or if I was just being used by him! It was from a while ago! I-I know I shouldn’t have messaged him, I know a-and I’m sorry, but I don’t know why he’s messaging me again now! I want nothing to do with him I promise!” You hummed and looked away. You heard a shuffle before Bim appeared on his knees on the floor in front of you.

“Wha-Bim?” You flushed.

“Please, please, please believe me! I never wanted anyone but you! I just… It wasn’t recent, it was a while ago! I wanted to know if he ever actually liked me, and… I had you! There wasn't any reason to go back to him! And I don’t want to lose you! I-I can be better, I promise!”

“Okay, h-how ‘bout we calm down-”

“I do love you, I-I do! But… if you don’t trust me anymore, that’s fine! I-I just want you to be happy and-”

“BIM!” You yelled. He looked up at you with misty eyes and a quivering lip. You shook your head with a small laugh.

“Wh-What’s so funny?” He sniffled.

“I’m not gonna leave you! I understand! You wanted to know if there was anything ever there, if he ever felt anything for you instead of just being a manipulative bastard.” You smirked.

“Yes! Exactly!” He nodded his head hard.

“You could’ve… said that. I would’ve understood…”

“You… You would have?”

“Bim, you’re an adult. Do you not know how to communicate?”

“Uh… not… really?” He furrowed his eyebrows.

“Okay, we’re gonna have to work on that, and I think you might have trust issues too… ” You shook your head.

“Do I need therapy?”

“Yeah, therapy’s good for this sort of thing.”

You moved forward and kissed his forehead. He wiped his eyes and kissed you gently.

“Are we gonna be okay?” He asked after pulling back. You leaned your forehead against his.

“Yeah… we’ll be okay?”

[kaijubluu]

Some things I hate BBC's Sherlock (the character) for:

-He never fucking seems to appreciate or care for his friends. Yeah, sure, he did the rooftop thing but beyond that? He invades John's privacy, belittles Molly and others, and just...is shitty. And this isn't a Sherlock Holmes thing.

-His invasion of John's privacy. Reading emails, using his laptop without consent, that whole thing about learning John's middle name (it...seemed weird to me)... it's a bit creepy. Oh and taking John's fucking gun.

-The whole "I'm a high functioning sociopath" thing. I'm not knowledgeable about what exactly it means to be a high functioning sociopath means, I haven't done research, but...uh.

-The way he treats Molly and basically every other woman in the show??? Especially Sally. I didn't like her very much but like...

-The entire Irene thing. I don't know why but that pissed me off.

-His weight comments with Mycroft. Just...what the fuck. I get he has a strained relationship with his brother but the fuck. He never made it seem like he was concerned, it was mocking.

-When Jim was undercover as the I.T. guy, the way he fucking outed him. He immediately tried to fix it after at first ("gay", "I meant hey"). Then immediately after Jim left he fucking did it again! Just went into how Jim's gay.

-The way he disrespects his clients. Like...these people came to you for help and you're belittling them? How did you even keep your job like bruH.

-The way he expects John (and anyone else at times) to just fucking drop whatever they are doing just to help him. And half the time it's a small ass thing he coulda done!

-Lack of communication...? Like when Scotland Yard comes to him for help and he's just...not helping until it's convenient. Season 4's entire whole...him and John not talking could've been avoided if he had fucking talked to John. I mean I'm sure John would still not talk to Sherlock for a while (he's in mourning after all!) but...

-The way that he just... basically uses Molly. Says things or does things that will get her to help him, only really expects her to help him. And people wonder why there wasn't a sniper on her? It's because he doesn't fucking care!

-The Baskerville episode where he locks John in the lab and makes him think the Hound is there. Uh, buddy. That's not okay to do to your friend. And he plays it off like a JOKE!

-He's a shitty roommate. Keeps a fucking head in the fridge, SHOOTS THE WALL, never does much for groceries if I remember right... shitty.

-The fact that none of his dick-ish bullshit is ever...addressed within the fandom, from what I've seen.

Anyway yeah ❤️ feel free to add more lol.

AGREEEED

[newgameplus]

fav song frm fire emblem and how did u find dcmk and queens thief? -oli (on anon bc my main thru tumblr is not my actual main.)

fave song from fire emblem might be a tie btwn path of the hero king (feif) for many reasons such as: i love my FUCKING boy, it Slaps, and i find that they sampled Trouble! really cute bc even tho yes: its the tune you hear when you engage an enemy- it was called caeda's theme in the character theme album they released for the original game in the 90s (please holy shit check out this "80's pop rock" remix of it from that album, linked above, its so fun) - and apex of the world (fe3h) because you know i fucking go FERAL for the callback to edge of dawn from the title sequence. also the trumpets. the finale songs all go fucking hard but this one makes me feel things. stares at the sky. how i found detco/magic kaito i GENUINELY dont remember. i've been on that train since i was probably ~13 maybe younger. i had a huge thing for sherlock holmes novels so its possible that coulda done it, or maybe i just hit "random" on mangafox, like many of my other old favourites. as for queen's thief LMAO how else would you find books that change u on a molecular level. i found the first three books in the library at school and read them OBSESSIVELY because i was the kind of 14yr old who went "political drama, being in love with the woman who cut off your hand, AND heisting???? in a mediterranean based fantasy setting??????? with it's own mythology???? ill think about this for the rest of my life." and then i did. King of Attolia is still THE book. no-one is doing it like ms megan whalen turner.

[slayerbook]

The Dark Knight Eviscerated

Here’s a thought that’s been nagging at me awhile now:

The Dark Knight Returns is the ultimate Batman story. And a significant, worthy piece of Western fiction. The cartoon movie, however, makes some baffling choices.

It’s probably my favorite Bat movie (after the Batman ‘66 one). I’m famously picky about Bat movies. I think Tim Burton’s Batman flicks are basically worthless — influential and significant, but crappy. And the Nolan ones are no fun: No scene can be summarized as “Bad guys are doing bad shit, then Batman drops in and kicks much ass.” (Captain America: The Winter Soldier is a much better Batman movie than any of the Batman movies. And the Bat fights in Bats v. Supes sure are swell, but...)

So unlike ALL other Batmovies, proper director Joy Oliva gave the cartoon Dark Knight Returns enough good action to satisfy. Still: over time, those choices gnawed at me. Some consciously, some not.

The cast is swell, but voice acting is disjointed and awful. Voice Director Andrea Romano is an hero in animation, but man, I don’t understand what she OK’d here. Peter Weller, Robocop himself, voices Bruce. He said he didn’t even read the comics, because he wanted to do his own thing with it. Oooof. I wish he had read it.

But more important: The script. Two things I can't get over, one obvious, one subtle but significant:

One: Cutting the narration, bad choice: If you're going to make a movie from the book, do it. Don't make it something else. Cutting the narration is like them adapting Year One, but totally changing the art style (only to use it in the credits,as if to say "Yeah, we coulda done that, but this is OUR shit — great, right?!"). But here's the one(s) I noticed this month, when I caught it on HBO:

Two, and here’s the kicker: The adaptation does everything it can to soften the political content. And the political content is essential. Not only does the adaptation remove the Bruce quote that serves as a thesis:

Bruce to Clark: "You say yes to anybody with a badge & a flag."

It also removes a nearby line from Oliver, who calls the police “fascist sons of bitches!"

The “badge & a flag” line is replaced with a couple utterly toothless, vague lines about being obedient to the wrong kind of authority. The changes remind me of Alan Moore objecting to V for Vendetta adaptation because the movie fails to mention fascism.

So, in conclusion, the Dark Knight Returns cartoon has stellar action, but fails because it won't say what the book does. The cartoon tells the story, but reduces it to a clash between two big superheroes — two essential American ideologies, not so much.

And I get it: What do you expect from a corporate cartoon?

But still, you know? If you're gonna do the thing, do the thing.

— BONUS: Here’s my full Winter Soldier vs. Nolan Batman piece, after the jump

I wrote this when Winter Solider was a new release, for Diffuser, which tried to be the AV Club for a minute, before the bosses stepped in and f*cked it up:

Captain America Out-Batmans Batman, and It Didn’t Take Much

It’s on. Captain America will go head-to-head against Batman and Superman in the DC heroes’ all-but-guaranteed megasmash crossover, when both franchises' next movies are released on the same day, May 6, 2016. Improbably, brand loyalty notwithstanding, Cap has the advantage if you’re waiting for an emotionally charged, kick-ass thrillride.

 Providing three-or-more thrills a minute, the pulse-pounding new “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” retroactively reduces all Batman movies’ scores by two letter grades. (OK, 2008’s “The Dark Knight” only loses one letter, for reasons we’ll get into). If “Winter Soldier” isn’t the best Super Hero Movie, Super Hero Action Movie, and Comic Book Movie, then it’s certainly in the top 3, in contention with “The Avengers,” “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World,” and M. Night Shylaman’s underrecognized “Unbreakable” — but definitely not Chris Nolan’s Bat-movies (or Bat-writer David Goyer’s mixed-bag of a Superman reboot, 2013’s “Man of Steel”).

 Captain America’s dark return once and for all shines a spotlight on the glaring fact that Batfans have been hesitant to acknowledge since Tim Burton’s slavishly overrated 1989 Batman: On the big screen, Batman has never been presented as an action hero.

 Both modern Batman franchises have been propelled into cult status through heroic applications of geek gratitude: A decent, dark Batman movie is better than no Batman movie. So the fanboys eat them up. And the people who don’t know any better embrace them as well.

 In retrospect, the Batmovies from the 1980s and ’90s paved the way for the superhero movie as we know it. But as Batmovies, they’re thorough failures. Burton’s first “Batman” was an art film with roughly thirty seconds of action, half of which involved Batman firing machine guns at Jack Nicholson, who was impersonating Daffy Duck, but somehow passed off himself off as the Joker. Clad in a rubber suit, Michael Keaton’s Batman punches a couple guys and almost randomly squares off with a Joker goon who has some martial arts training… for about six seconds.

 Batman 1989 Trailer:

http://youtu.be/HlsM2_8u_mk

 And the rest of the old-school Bat franchise is downhill from there. By 1997’s “Batman and Robin,” even with action icon Arnold Schwarzenneger in tow, the movies had developed into a campy drag-queen aesthetic. The universally derided — yet financially successful — final installment did more justice to Uma Thurman’s Poison Ivy than Batman or Bane. (In itself, there’s nothing wrong with that vibe, but it’s not what anybody wants in a Batflick.) At least Michael Keaton aced the brooding aspect of Batman. With George frickin’ Clooney and Val Kilmer in the Batman role, these supposed action flicks become costume fantasies that are invested in the idea that a person can put on a costume and suddenly become somebody completely different. And maybe that works at night clubs, but not when you’re fighting crime.

 At the heart of those Batflicks is a willful blind eye to physical reality: Someone who spent his whole life training to become Batman would not look — or move — like Keaton, Clooney, or Kilmer. Those movies barely pass the actors off as a billionaire playboy. And the action? Forget about it. The “Batman [’66]” TV series holds up better.

 That said, physical reality didn’t serve the Nolan Batmovies well, either. In 2005, “Batman Begins” provides a origin tale of young Bruce Wayne as a brawler-turned-ninja. And while it features some respectable action scenes, they’re not anything to make a viewer cringe or rewind and watch again. True, Nolan finally depicts Bruce Wayne as a guy who does some pushups. And real martial arts are in the mix, albeit with some stiff choreography.

 Batman Begins, Bruce Wayne escapes the League of Shadows… or does he?

http://youtu.be/Z8tysDC31Yo

 In 2008, the overlong “The Dark Knight” staged a couple swell action sequences, but they weren’t essentially rooted in Batman’s character. The most memorable IMAX-size scene is the Joker’s escape from a police van. In this second outing, Batman doesn’t emerge as an Olympic-level athlete. In fact, the plot’s tech-heavy resolution doesn’t make a very good case for Batman as a Sherlock Holmes-caliber detective, either. The guy in the costume is not doing what Batman is famous for doing.

 Dark Knight Van 2

http://youtu.be/Zg1cDKYmK98

 And the controversial misfire that was 2012 “The Dark Knight Rises”? Batman does fight more in it, but it’s nothing to blog about. Squaring off time and again, Batman and Bane trade rudimentary martial arts moves. The fighting style is realistic for a couple guys that size, but it’s dull.

 Batman’s big move is a thrusting front kick, which he uses over and over again. The technique is devastating when it connects, but you can see it coming all the way from the Triskelion. Batman’s first fight with Bane would be slightly more exciting if was really shot in total darkness. The movie’s climax involves a big vehicle chase, in which a weaponized camo SUV lobs a half-dozen slow-arcing, heat-seeking missiles at the Batwing. And it zooms away. Big whoop. Catwoman’s action had better choreography and revealed more about her character. At some point, Nolan deluded himself into imagining he was making a James Bond movie. “Dark Knight Rises”’ most memorable action sequences involve…

 1) Bane hijacking a plane (with Batman nowhere in sight).

 2) Hines Ward running back a kickoff for a touchdown as a football stadium collapses behind him (with Batman nowhere in sight).

 And

 3) Bane punching the sh*t out of a Tuscan column (instead of turning around, zeroing in on Batman, and displacing the rest of the Bat’s spinal column).

 Bane vs. the Architecture

http://youtu.be/DImh0ac-jdQ

 After all that realistic fighting, Bane can suddenly barehandedly dismantle a stone column? Now, obviously, Nolan made a decision to root his Batmovies in reality. But who cares? What’s more exciting? Tom Hardy, Chris Nolan, and very few invisible wires? Or this boss fight from the videogame “Batman: Arkham Origins”?

 http://youtu.be/OqEqN17zW8s

 Batman, obviously, has endless potential as an action hero. And it’s not like it can’t be done. The only Batman movie with real action scenes that will make you applaud, duck, and empathetically wince is the 2013 adaptation of Frank Miller’s game-changing mini-series “The Dark Knight Returns.” Director Jay Oliva researched real-life muay Thai and mixed-martials arts techniques to choreograph larger-than-life action scenes like Batman taking out an entire SWAT team (granted, they have the aim of Imperial Stormtroopers) and dissecting a feral gang leader who’s bigger and fiercer than Bane:

 Bats vs. Mutants

http://youtu.be/RV18kZIBBZA

 In the movie’s adaptation of the greatest fight in comic-book history, Batman defeats Superman in visceral hand-to-hand combat. (More or less: Bats is wearing an armored suit, and Superman is weakened from a previous nuclear explosion.) Maybe bringing the ultimate Batman story to life requires a cartoon, but maybe not.

 Dark Knight Returns, Supes-Bats pt 2, including steamroller

http://youtu.be/OYBClxNR_fU

 In Rocksteady’s “Arkham Knight,” photorealistic CGI turns Batman into a high-flying, car-jumping, slow-mo leaping, gang-punching, bullet-dodging, man of action (with the aid of some brilliant writing on par with Nolan & Goyer’s best).

 Batman Arkham Knight Trailer

http://youtu.be/wsf78BS9VE0

 Presumably, Goyer’s upcoming Batman-Superman reboot will take its cues from “Man of Steel” and deliver some superspeed hand-to-hand combat. But as of now, no Batmovie’s action scene can be roughly described thusly: “Batman swoops in out of nowhere and punches the bejeezus out of a bunch of dudes in a nimble, über-athletic manner.” No, if you want that kind of action, you need to see “Captain America: The Winter Solider.”

 If you experienced seen the movie yet, we know it sounds suspect. “Captain America: The First Avenger” was a good super hero origin story. But it wasn’t an earth-shaker. Not like “The Avengers, “which sets the bar on superhuman, comic book-style, truly-epic-scale action. But “Cap2ain America” brings the pain better than any franchise since the “Bourne” movies. The action in the new Cap flick isn’t about the Hulk and Thor taking down an invading alien army. No, in “Winter Soldier,” simply put, the characters — guys and girls — kick ass.

 Cap ship scene:

http://youtu.be/6k0kkSHiiPE

 Now that is “Hero drops in from the darkness and punches the bejeezus out of a bunch of dudes in a nimble, über-athletic manner.” The first ten minutes of “Winter Soldier” present Cap as an unstoppable fighter who thinks as fast has he moves. No slow build. The credits roll, and bam. Cap takes out an elite commando unit almost singlehandedly. It’s an apples-to-oranges comparison, but Batroc the Leaper has more moves than Nolan’s Batman.

 Cap vs. Batroc:

http://youtu.be/aHh0XaW0UyQ

 In one fight after another, Captain Rogers, his allies, and foes sinker deeper into a disorienting world of intrigue and escalating stakes. And Cap’s small crew of well-defined characters convincingly fight like they’re in an MMA cage. Flying knee-smashes. Lethal acrobatics. Interpersonal hand-to-hand combat that will leave you ducking in your seat. Intricate weapons-play that might not be believable, but is sure as hell memorable. Captain America even walks up to Batman’s home turf and makes it his. Contrast these two rooftop scenes:

 Cap rooftop scene:

http://youtu.be/zyUTeZVnd2w

 Dark Knight Returns Rooftop Scene:

http://youtu.be/D1zBw86sPk8

 Guess whose is more awesome? Again, perhaps not physically plausible, but awesome. Even without Cap running through walls, which one is more likely to make you want to watch it twice?

 In Nolan’s Batmovies, the Bat Tumbler may have provided some highlights. Batman sures operates motor vehicles a lot. But contrast the Bat-chases with this motorcycle scene from “Winter Soldier.” Of course, nobody could really singlehandedly take out a fighter jet. But the movie makes you believe — if only for a moment — that Steve Rogers could. The real “Superman” movie made a generation believe a man could fly. And the Nolan Batmovies? They’ll make you believe a man can hop into a small flying vehicle and zoom away.

 Cap vs. Jet:

http://youtu.be/RYSgkqc9EWI

 If Goyer and Nolan have seen “Winter Soldier,” they should be losing sleep over it. The spent around $600 million to make three movies that are memorable mostly for their ambience and an unforgettable Heath Ledger performance. Compared to “Winter Solider,” the Nolan Batman films represent the largest wasted opportunity since the “Star Wars Episodes I-III: The Jar-Jar Trilogy.” The ball’s in your court, Bats. We’re eagerly awaiting your response.