#if i'm watching him specifically for the night i'll just bring his dog bed into my room

[gardenstateofmind]

i feel bad for not sitting out in the living room with the dogs but i really need to be just lying in bed right now, plus i'm feeling sick already so i don't want to have to deal with allergies on top of that

i used to not understand people who didn't sleep with their dogs on the bed, but that was before i lived with big dogs who shed, like now my entire bedroom has to be off limits, otherwise it's impossible to keep clean

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook

𝓣𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓒𝓪𝓻𝓮. [Leave Me Be]

He's been saving lifes for years now, has trained and studied solely for this purpose, so why does it feel like he can't save yours, no matter how hard he tries?

Tags/Warnings: Hospital/Medical AU, Doctor!Jungkook, slightly aged up!Jungkook, Hybrid!Reader, Dog Hybrid!Reader, another slightly heavy one but the comfort is strong with this hurt, angst, fluff, romance, strangers to lovers, blood, medical stuff, mentions of domestic (physical and mental) abuse, corruption, mentions of drug abuse, vomiting, health scare

Length: 3.3k words

-> Masterlist

There is no taglist for this fic

A/N: Hi did you forget about this already because I didn't

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For the first time in years, everything's.. calm.

Outside the somewhat opened window, birds are chirping. You can hear cars, people, a construction site close by. It's faint, pleasant background noise if anything, and you enjoy it a lot as you sit in your bed, bathing in the relaxing atmosphere, when the door opens.

"Good morning." A kind voice calls out to you, bringing something into the room. "I'm bringing breakfast." Nurse Park explains, moving the table over your lap before he sets down the plastic trays with your food. "Everything still alright with you?" He wonders, and you nod, quietly.

It's something he and Yoongi had already noticed a little while after Jungkook left last night, when he'd checked up on you. You've been declining slowly but steadily, somewhat drifting out of reality it seems like as you've started to fail to recall where and why you're in hospital this morning when a different nurse had woken you up this morning. You're awake and alert, yes. Your reflexes and motor functions are still fine, although a bit delayed- but other than that, you're not doing as well as expected. "I'll stay here to make sure you eat well, is that okay?" Nurse park asks, and you nod, tail wagging a little, when Doctor Min softly knocks on the door, opening it quietly to walk in.

He looks like he just arrived, hair freshly washed and face looking somewhat more rested than last late evening when you saw him.

"Look, here." The male nurse offers you cutlery- but you don't seem too interested in taking it from him, rather watching something going on outside. "Not hungry?" He asks, but you don't seem to really feel like answering, ears moving towards Jimin, but otherwise, there's no reaction, apart from your growling stomach.

"I've been told you're being a bit quiet today?" Yoongi wonders gently, standing close but not too close- observing your behavior. You seem distracted, eyes not really focusing on anything specific, though your ears turn and move around to catch any and all noise- now turned towards him, but you just yawn, before your attention is taken by Jimin's hands placing down the cutlery again. "She's worse than yesterday." Yoongi hums to Jimin, who nods, picking up some rice with a spoon to hold out to you- this you happily take, seemingly gladly being fed instead of feeding yourself. "Did we get her urine tests back yet? Jungkook had asked for them, I remember." He wonders, and at that name, your ears move towards Yoongi, making him chuckle.

"We did one this morning- we had some emergencies last night and didn't get to do it right away." Jimin says, continuing to feed you. "And her caretaker was here too. Took us security to pull her out."

"What a nuisance." Yoongi shakes his head. "Will she be back?" He asks, and Jimin shakes his head.

"We managed to have her visitors' rights revoked for now." He says.

"Good. I want that urine test asap, Jungkook's gonna rip our heads off if he get's her later today and we don't have any answers for why she's in a worse state than he left her in." He sighs, before leaving you alone with the nurse, who's continuing to feed you your breakfast.

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On the way to work, Jungkook feels uneasy.

He hasn't slept well, didn't really get good rest, but he's tried hard to let his body recover from the harsh shift yesterday so he can at least be somewhat refreshed today. He'll need all his energy, and he knows it.

Walking into the hospital, people greet him just like always. When he walks into the staff rooms to change and prepare for his shift, everything seems normal too. It's when he walks closer to your room that he notices something off- especially the fact that both Namjoon and Yoongi are standing in front of it, both men looking extremely serious.

"Jungkook." Namjoon greets, and Jungkook nods.

"You don't look too happy." He comments. "What's going on?" He asks, and Namjoon sighs, unsure how to explain it, when Yoongi simply spills the facts, known to be rather rough with info.

"You've got your first proof." He says. "Of something going on, I mean. Here." He says, giving Jungkook the clipboard with the urine test results up front- the hybrid specialist immediately gripping the board tighter.

"What the fuck?" He asks, reading through the results. "Ketamine? Diazepam? Acepromazine?" He reads up, and Namjoon nods.

"We assume it must've been given by her caretaker yesterday when they were alone and without a nurse present- or possibly this morning before she was kicked out. We have since contacted authorities to investigate their home for any traces of the drugs." He informs Jungkook, who runs a hand through his hair.

"How is she?" He asks, worried about you.

"Well, considering the cocktail of medication she's got in her system at the moment, she's pretty out of it. Couldn't keep her breakfast down, and fell asleep a few minutes ago in a hallway near the ICU after wandering off when no one was looking. Jimin is closely monitoring her now- I've set him up as her designated babysitter until she get's-" Yoongi informs, when suddenly, both his and Namjoon's pager beep loudly, their small monitors showing the room number their standing in front of.

Everyone immediately barges in to see Jimin holding onto you, a small paper bowl held in one of his hands while the other pets your back. One look closer, and everyone realizes what spooked the nurse to the point of pressing the emergency button near the bed.

There's blood in the bowl.

"Her BPM is erratic, and she's hyperventilating." Jungkook immediately observes out loud. "Obvious Tachycardia. What happened?" He asks Jimin, who shakes his head helplessly.

"She suddenly felt nauseous, and threw up again. She didn't eat anything for the past four hours." He informs Jungkook, who soaks up the info as he has to watch your body convulse again, attempting to bring up nothing but saliva and blood yet again.

"Why is her BPM so high?" Namjoon asks no one in particular. "She's been given tranquilizers.." He mumbles, when Jungkook suddenly seems to realize something.

"Because it's not the drugs themselves-" He says, earning looks, "-but the combination of them. Ketamine and Diazepam combined are used to treat epilepsy." He explains, showing off how he's not a renowned hybrid specialist for nothing. "But Ketamine and Acepromazine combined can increase heart rate, cause seizures, and induce vomiting in canine hybrids."

"But that doesn't explain the blood." Jimin worries.

"Maybe it does." Jungkook says, inspecting you slowly calming down- or maybe it's just exhaustion catching up to you. "If she's received these drugs before-"

"She might've developed chronic GI bleeding from the drugs or ulcers that haven't been treated, and those might've opened up again." Namjoon nods. "That would explain her anemia as well."

"I want a gastroscopy done asap, ping me right after you've got the results." Jungkook orders. "For now, let her sleep. Don't give her any food until we have the results back, and we know what we're dealing with exactly. I'll have someone set up some fluids intravenously, and have her diet plan adjusted." He says, before he begins to walk out.

"What are you gonna do?" Jimin calls after the doctor who's pulled out his phone, his other hand opening the door for himself.

"End someone's career." He growls to himself, before he leaves the room.

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"She's got a clear inflammation and a pretty nasty ulcer right here, just like we thought." Namjoon points out on the images taken, Jungkook standing close to him to observe. "Clear signs of drug abuse, or in her case, clear signs of both a poor diet and general neglect by her owner and or caretaker." He sighs.

"Like I thought." Jungkook says, defeated. "I got a response back from local police, by the way." He says.

"Really?" Namjoon asks, attention sparked. "Did they find something?" He wonders, and Jungkook nods.

"They have a hunch- apparently Dongsun had acted suspiciously when asked about her, but they need a warrant to search the entire premise because he refused them access." He mumbles. "In the meantime, Dongsun will probably clean up any traces of the drugs until police can properly search his home. And considering her situation, nothing she says will be taken seriously in court, even if she does know anything about this."

"So we're not even close to getting her out of this." Namjoon sighs, closing the window with the results. "What are we gonna do now?" He asks, and Jungkook shrugs.

"Treat her. That's all I can really do." He defeatedly says, leaving the unit of his friend before he walks down the halls, unsure what to do now.

There's no way he's gonna get you out of this, not without any proof of you being in an abusive situation. And especially considering who you legally belong to, it's clear that this guy's agency will do whatever they can to either silence the people attempting to expose him, or they'll make sure nothing can ever get out to the public in any way they can.

As he enters the room of another hybrid patient, he gains a bit of comfort back. It's silent in here, machines working steadily, hybrid on the bed sleeping soundly.

At this point, Yoongi had opened up enough to reveal to Jungkook that the cat hybrid sleeping here had been adopted by the neurologist himself a few years prior- but he had been worried people might treat her differently if they knew her connection to him. It made sense, somewhat.

She's still unresponsive, though has been slightly improving a little these past few days, seemingly giving some clues as to what's going on with her. And as Jungkook goes through his routine check up, he does notice something different- her tail, slightly moving, almost unnoticeably.

But it's there.

He touches the tip, testing as he pinches, the tip of the tail moving. It's delayed, not very strong, but it's a voluntary, active movement she's displaying. Something he writes down immediately, pinging Yoongi's pager to call him up to the room.

And it doesn't take long for the doctor to rush through the door, already changed into his normal clothes, almost having clocked out of his shift.

"Here, have you noticed this?" Jungkook wonders, repeating the action he'd done before- her tail pulling away a bit more clearly now, making Yoongi rush to steal Jungkook's pen with the little light on the other end of it, shining it into the hybrid's eyes.

"Her pupils are reactive." He says almost like a whisper, as if he can't believe it. "You see it too, right?" He rambles, and Jungkook checks as well.

"It's very mild, but yeah. There's a reaction." He nods. "We should order a new scan for tomorrow-"

"No, right now." Yoongi shakes his head, his own eyes showing his inner panic. "I want it done right now." He decides, pulling out his phone to call the appropriate people for the scan, making Jungkook smile a bit in sympathy.

He hates moments like these.

They've happened before- and the disappointment always seems to weigh heavily on his senior every single time afterwards. It's cruel, really. But he himself can't bring himself to remind the neurologist of the potential crash of emotions later on if it turns out to be nothing at all, because he's aware that deep down, Yoongi knows that himself.

So he just let's him do his tests, leaving him alone for the time being.

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"Ah, Jungkook." Jimin laughs, dramatically sighing. "Maybe you can get this stubborn thing to eat her lunch." He teases, your ears pinned back as you cross your arms in front of your chest, refusing to open your mouth.

"Someone's being a little brat here?" Jungkook says playfully, sitting down on a chair he pulls close to your bed. "What's up with that?" He asks, pointing to your light soup you've got in front of you. You stay silent- still very much battling the aftereffects of the drugs running through your body- before you point to your lips, and the clean and empty paper bowl close by just in case. "Worried you might bring it up again?" He asks, and you nod.

"Funny you say that." Jimin comments, and you visibly shrink in on yourself, seemingly knowing what's to come. "Considering I found this?" He teases, holding up a pen that's..

seriously chewed up, plastic bent and dented.

"Oh wow." Jungkook laughs, taking it from the nurse to inspect. "That's impressive!" He can't help but throw his head back to laugh at it, making you happy as well though, his happiness clearly infecting you.

Unbeknown to him, chewing on things is a nervous habit you've had since you were a pup- but normally, when at home, you're getting severely punished if something gets chewed on- so Jungkook's reaction is new, and pleasant.

"I think someone's having some anxiety, hm?" He wonders, reaching out to pet your head- something you immediately lean into. "That's fine." He hums towards you, before he turns his head towards the Nurse. "Might wanna inspect that though, in case she's got some toothache or something else." He informs Jimin, who nods. "Now eat, okay? Slowly, and it'll be fine." He tells you, before getting up- earning a very prominent whine from you, who's clearly against him leaving.

"Come on, doctor Jeon has to go home at some point, no?" Jimin tries, and you simply deflate, nodding, accepting- and Jungkook feels his heart break a little.

He wants to stay, wants to bond with you because you deserve that bond- but he can't.

He shouldn't.

There's no guarantee that you'll be removed from your current situation- there's no guarantee that even if you are removed, that you'll be able to be adopted. And even if you are- could he even take care of you? Can he provide for you? He's got a stressful job that requires a lot of time. And while he knows that Yoongi had made it work in the past, that doesn't mean he can make it work, too.

It's giving him a headache already.

Especially because he sits down next to your bed again, taking the bowl of soup closer to himself to help you eat, since your arms are still weak from the drugs attacking your muscles. He's not supposed to do that.

He shouldn't.

But the sight of your happily drooping ears and the way your tail wags every time he laughs makes him not care.

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When Jungkook finds your room empty the next day, he panics for a second- and it's clear that his bad feelings aren't weightless.

"Oh, Jungkook!" Namjoon offers as he walks past the room Jungkook walks out of. "Are you searching for her?" He asks, and Jungkook nods.

"Did they release her already?" He worries, well aware that Dongsun might have pulled some strings to have you released from hospital early.

"No. It's.. well, it's more complicated." He sighs, running a hand through his hair before he leads his friend down the hall. "She's currently no longer under Dongsun's care, but governmental. Seoul's Hybrid Care Project has taken on her case after the police found traces of the drugs and other.. well, pretty damning evidence of both neglect and straight-up abuse at his home."

"Thats good though?" Jungkook wonders, confused. "So she's with SHC now?" He asks, when he notices the path they're taking.

"She's been transferred to the ICU at around 3 this morning after she developed a fever." Namjoon offers rather defeatedly, while Jungkook seems worried. "She started seizing first about an hour after you left, which we were prepared for since you noted that in her files-" he explains, dodging a running intern. "-But she later complained over muscle aches and Jimin found her on the floor in the bathroom of her room and noted how dark her urine was." He informs his friend, who sighs, scratching the back of his hea deep in thought.

"Rhabdomyolosis." Jungkook says, and Namjoon nods. "Fuck. Do we have it-" he starts, but Namjoon nods.

"We have it under control- as much as we can." He offers to reassure. "Her temperature is slowly coming down, and her kidneys are doing surprisingly well considering the situation." He offers, opening the large door to the ICU. "We gave her meds to stop her seizures and block any adrenaline. She's not conscious at the moment though, since she was panicking badly."

"Understandably." Jungkook sighs, walking towards where you're laying.

He hates that he can't just magically snap his fingers and get you well again. He hates that you've done nothing to deserve any of this, that there's literally no reason for you to be treated like this.

"Have you considered taking her in once she recovers?" Namjoon quietly asks, as Jungkook stands close to you, not even noticing until after it's happened how he adjusts your head a little, running his fingers through your hair to sort it out a bit.

"I've got no time." The young doctor sighs defeatedly. "I wouldn't be able to care for her properly."

"Jungkook, you're working way too much anyways." His friend offers, checking on the machines currently monitoring your health. "Maybe this is a good chance to step back a little and give yourself some time as well? You're gonna burn out in a year like this, if not even less." He worries, and Jungkook just stubbornly rubs his eyes.

"Any update on Yoongis hybrid?" Jungkook changes the topic, needing to distract himself for now- and Namjoon accepts it.

"Scans came back honestly pretty confusing." He shrugs, crossing his arms. "There's clear brain activity, but it's not conclusive. Yoongi said he's gonna check in with some other experts today, so maybe he can figure it out." He explains. "But what's clear is that she's definitely got an increase in neurological function, which is good though." He says.

"Thats really good." Jungkook nods. "Maybe he's finally getting his happy end." He mumbles, when a hand is placed on his shoulder.

"You both are gonna get yours too." Namjoon offers, before he lets go of his friend. "Someone from SHC is gonna come by later today. Tell them you want to be written down as a potential future owner." He tells his friend, who looks at you on the bed, subconsciously moving your head towards his hand close to your face, his scent probably invading your senses causing an instinctual reaction.

And it makes Jungkook nod. Because if the world wasn't up to treating you well until now-

He's gonna take on the job, and make sure you'll get to live the life you deserve.

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[levis-hazelnut]

Connie x Reader Forever (Modern AU)

summary: you and Connie are roommates, and he refuses for either of you to move out and insists that you live together forever, despite not being in a relationship.

Having Connie as a roommate was mostly a lot of fun - you guys would spend your nights playing games, talking about random shit, or listening to each other's dumb conspiracy theories.

Honestly, you loved it. It was so cute when you'd get home from college and see him curled up on the sofa with your dog, Prince, both of them asleep.

It was funny how when you first moved in, Connie and Prince didn't get along well - he was terribly afraid of it and your dog wasn't too friendly to the male, he'd growl a little when Connie was around you. Now, they were literally best friends, with Prince following your roommate around and napping on his bed, and them doing all kinds of things together.

With a soft smile, you approached the sofa and brought the blanket that was falling off the side back over the male before giving Prince a couple, gentle pets.

However, once you turned and saw the plate on the coffee table, you suddenly felt a wave of irritation flood within you. Not because of the mess, but because you had a specific rule to not touch each other's food. And he obviously broke that rule.

Shooting a slight glare to the sleeping man, you padded out of the room and made way to your bedroom, changing out of your clothes and into your pyjamas. You, then, entered the kitchen to search for a snack before going back to the living room to see that Connie was stirring awake.

Gold peered at you through half-lidded eyes, his jaw unhinging to let a yawn out. "Hi, pretty."

"Good evening, sleepyhead."

"Hmm, why so formal?" he murmured, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. That's when it was clear to him that you were upset, possibly with him. "D-did I do something wrong?"

"You ate my food," you pouted, tapping his shoulder, wordlessly telling him to make space for you on the sofa. He watched you plop down beside him, glancing at the empty plate before bringing his eyes back to you.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were saving it. I can get you more."

With a soft sigh, you gazed at him, noticing the guilt in his vibrant hues. "... It's all right. I'm just being bratty."

"Are you sure? We can go together for dinner if you want."

"Nah, it's okay, I want to stay home."

"You're really sure?"

"Yes, Connie," you smiled at him, patting the top of his head.

"Others would've made me get them more food... You really are the best roommate I've ever had."

"You idiot, I'm the only one you've had."

"Mhm," he hummed, shifting his position so that he was able to rest his head on your lap, "and you're going to be the only one."

"Connie, I'm not living with you for the rest of my life. I'm moving out when I can."

"Nope. You're not allowed to."

You huffed, fingers subconsciously finding their way to his buzzcut. "We might as well get married if you're going to make me live with you 'forever'."

"You read my mind," he stated with so much confidence that it made you pause. Nevertheless, you continued to along with it, seeing where the conversation would end up and see if he was joking or not.

"Only if you don't steal my food again."

"I'll be making a lot of promises, but that's one I can't make."

"Then, I'm not marrying you," you retorted, lightly flicking his forehead, which made him whine.

"Well, I can change your mind in a couple years because we still have a lot to do."

"Like what?"

A little smirk tugged at his lips as he peeked his eyes open to look up at you. Without a word, he stood up and stretched before he leaned down to be eye level with you, lips hovering over yours. "Like... sharing a kiss, for example."

Even though your heart was thumping against your chest, you gave him a smirk in return, replying in a whisper, "We can easily get that out of the way."

His smirk slowly faded into an expression of surprise as he realised the position you got yourselves into, mouth parted as he simply gazed at you, searching for approval in your (E/C) hues. Once he found it, he tucked some locks behind your ear, fingers lingering on your cheek, tracing down to your chin to tilt your head up towards him. His other hand rested on the side of your neck, a gentle grip on your skin.

He watched your delicate eyelashes flutter as you lidded your eyes, anticipating the sensation of his lips against yours. And it happened, his lips finding yours in a slow, soft kiss, like he was afraid to hurt you. And honestly, he was. He's seen you come home, heartbroken because of a guy that treated you wrong. So, he hoped he was able to change that, he knew you well after living with you for a year and a half, so he knew how to treat you right.

Connie parted from you, his heart racing. It was something he's wanted to do for a while, he couldn't believe it finally happened. It felt so soft and delicate-- you are so soft and delicate. Yet, it also felt like a fire ignited within him, a fire that burned with love and passion. Just for you.

"... Does this mean we're one step closer to getting married?" he joked, breaking the silence that he knew you felt awkward in. You rolled your eyes and laughed in response, tugging at the collar of his shirt.

"Maybe. We'll see how it goes because it's way too soon to think about marriage when we haven't even been on a date. But before that, give me another kiss."

He grinned, happily complying with your request. He would wait however long he has to to be able to marry you. For now, he'd take his time, treating you better than anyone else ever did, hoping to have you forever.

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[the-fiction-witch]

Lovely tag : whitey winn

A - Affection [How affectionate are they with you?]

Whitey Winn is rather affection but at specific times, in the office he'll barely give you anything but in bed he'll wrap you up in his arms and never let you go giving you a million kisses a minute. Even if he does like holding your hand and waist most of the time and whispering in your ear how much he loves you.

B - Butter [How much do they coddle you, and how?]

Ohhh you where coddled worse then ever! Your father had always been protective of course as your his own little girl and his only child before your mother died so being protected was just something you where used to. However when you and whitey got together you assumed it would stop that he'd let you be more independent but ohh no you where mistaken Whitey's worse then your father ever was, he was extremely protective of you holding you on his arm, sitting behind you on your horse, barely letting you out after dark unless he was with you.

And it somehow got even worse when you got married, and even more so once you got pregnant. At that point he would even let you pick up spoons for yourself.

C - Confide [How easily do they confide to you?]

He's pretty open as far as confiding goes he was very happy to tell you things as soon as you two started courting he liked telling you things and he loves listening to you tell him to.

D - Defensive [How protective are they over you?]

Super protective! Another man looks at you Whitey's growling like a wild dog pushing you behind him or into his side. One of the mine security men tried to hit on you one evening and honestly your surprised whitey didn't kill him but it was a close call if maggie hadn't have stopped the fight you think that boy would have been dead. Not to mention the time one visiting boy pinched your bottom thought your dress and by the time you had squealed and turned around the boy was knocked out in the dust and you where tight to Whitey's chest. But you know it's just what he's like and that he's just trying to help so you'll give him a little reward later after dark.

E - Exhausted [How do they take care of you when you're tired or feeling low?]

He'll spot your tried or upset from a mile away he'll find someplace cosy and sit you across his lap, and make you tell him all about it he'll play with your hair and stroke your skin while you explain nodding and agreeing at moments he needs too and once it's all explained he'll pulling you to rest your head on his shoulder and chest and let you rest till your better.

F - Fluffy [How sappily sweet can they get?]

He can be a very sappy boy, giving you flowers, giving you cuddles telling you he loves you a hundred times a day

G - Game [How much do they play around, and are they a tease?]

He's not much for teasing or playing around he'd rather just be sweet to you.

H - Happy [What's their favourite thing to do with you, that makes them happy?]

Cuddle! Or go out riding he loves sitting behind you his arms around you to hold the rains of the horse as you go off on little adventures together.

I - Initiate [Do they make the first move?]

Depends, if it's a cuddle then one hundred percent whitey is asking and moving first, but other stuff like kissing and so on its almost always you. Even after your married with children you still have to make a first move to give him a kiss or hold his hand and each normally make him go bright red

J - Jealousy [How jealous can they get and how do they show it?]

He gets super jealous. Luckily labelle doesn't have alot of men and the ones who are in labelle are mostly older men who barely do much of anything so he didn't need to worry much about you, but when those young dirty mining security men came whitey was not happy as at times it seemed almost like the intentional picked on you to wind whitey up and make him do something so they could lock him in the cells. He gets defensive, violent, he'll do anything do defend you even if it means he gets in trouble for doing it because your his girl and knowone is going to hurt you or take you away from him not while he breaths.

L - Love [How do they react to you giving them affection?]

Blush!! He blushed when you kiss him, when you hold his hand he just always has blush in those dirty cheeks. But he loves when you give him affection he just wishes it wasn't so obvious how much he liked it.

M - Married [What's it like to be married to them?]

Amazing, he always cuddles and kisses you once he's home from work, compliments atleast three times a day, and cuddles and sleeps beside you every single night he's not at work.

N - Newborn [How are they with having kids, and how would they be as a parent?]

He got so excited when you told him you where pregnant, but he wouldn't let you do anything for yourself he was going to care for your every single need until baby came. And as soon as it did you saw him smile wider then you had ever seen before he was so happy to be a daddy and he was an amazing one. He loves all your children so very much and takes such good care of them even if he does spoil them a little bit mostly because your first child was a boy and whitey was ecstatic! Having little whitey jr so he kinda spoilt him rotten. But then soon enough when little addison came he had to spoil her too so it was fair. And then elijha came so he had to spoil the boys as much as the girls and so on and so on spoiling all your children rather alot. Even if you keep saying when you have a baby in the house that you won't have anymore children after this and yet it keeps on happening. Even if you think whitey secretly really wants more children, you have said you draw the line at five but with your current tummy thats already out the window.

O - Outdoors [How are they with you in public?]

Defense and sweet, he likes holding onto you but other then that he's okay he doesn't much like kissing you or anything outside because that's privet stuff even if... Maybe the office is privet enough for a snuggle or two.

P - Propose [How would they propose, and when would that be?]

It was nervous. He barely got thought it without stuttering. Almost all of labelle came out to watch which probably didn't help as whitey let it slip to bill in the office that he was going to do it so bill told maggie and of course within an hour the whole dam down new except you. He of course had asked your father's permission first and once he had that he got you as many flowers as he could and asked you in the middle of town in front of everyone.

Q - Quarrel [How are they after a fight, and will they try to make amends right after?]

You've never been in a fight with whitey, he's too sweet, the moment your upset about something he cuddles you holds you hands and let's you explain all about it and how he can make it all better. I don't think it's actually possible to get into a fight with him over anything you can try and tell at him and he'll just stand there politely and nod agreeing with you and discusses ways he can improve and how he can help. "Of course, your right darlin' I'm sorry. I'll remember next time"

R - Romantic [How much of a hopeless romantic are they, and how do they show it?]

He is rather a hopeless romantic, he always brings you flowers after a long day of work and tells you he loves you almost constantly.

S - Snuggles [Do they like to cuddle, and how do they do it?]

Whitey loves to cuddle he almost always starts a cuddle or asks for a cuddle he adores cuddling with you, he moves just wrapping his arms around you having you engulfed in him, usually both arms around you, Maybe a leg around you too with your head nuzzled into him so you have no escape from his love.

T - Touchy [How touch starved are they, and would they show it?]

He was so touch straved when you where first together you could poke him and he'd have a heart attack, but even when he's been in the office a few nights or just hasn't seen you all that much he gets a little desperate for kisses for touching for anything you'll give him. You can tell he's getting touch starved because he'll bite on his mouth alot more and you can see it in how his eyes lingure and move much slower.

U - Urchin [What's one negative trait about them that hurts you?]

That he can be a little too accommodating t the ladies in town, you understand that Whitey Winn is the deputy of La Belle a town almost all of the women have lost their husbands but you get rather jealous when you see the women going to the office to try and bring him things in the office, he never flirts or anything you just get a little worried sometimes

V - Vibe [What energy do they give off when you're with them?]

he gives off the energy of being very cocky and strong but also very sweet like sugar, he is so blushy with you its a rarity he gets though a sentence with you before he's blushing and stuttering 

W- Wedding [What are they like at their wedding?]

a mess, He cried so much when you got married, he was so happy, so excited and so thrilled your father finally allowed you two to get married, you met him in the half-finished church and half of Labelle showed up mostly all the women to see you and whitey get married and they spoilt you with presents of baked goods and wine for you, and bill spoilt you giving whitey a week off for you two's honeymoon

X - Xtreme [What lengths would they go to for you?]

He's do anything for you, anything you asked just to see you smile, back before your father found out about whitey courting you he used to ride out to the river with you just for dates even if it took about half an hour to get from his house to your spot, but he still did it every day after work. 

Y - Yogurt [What's their ideal place for a date?]

A little ride out to the river, sitting down by the edge with maybe a little picnic of maybe some beer and pie, maybe a little cuddle if it gets too cold out as the sky gets dark and you can sit and stargaze together maybe He'll wrap his jacket around your shoulder if you get too cold and maybe if he's lucky he might get a kiss at your door when he walks you back to your door Before your curfew of course so he doesn't get yelled at by your father.

Z - Zipper [What clothes do they like seeing you in?]

he loves seeing you in your underdress when you don't bother to really get dressed he thinks you look sweetest that way.

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔