#if you DO know me irl btw obviously theres nothing i can do to stop u from reading but like

[offbroadwaycast]

long as hell rant under read more, ive been avoiding posting about this on tumblr bc like,, im perfectly aware that people irl follow me but idk how NOT to overshare on the internet

yall for the past like two months i have not been able to feel comfrtable

i 100% acknowledge that T has SAVED me and it has made me so comfrtable with myself in that i can look in the mirror and not want to die in a million ways, and a lot of that comes with starting to pass a lot more, especially with my voice. im passing with strangers SO MUCH and i cannot xpress how happy that makes me and how good it makes me feel

HOWEVER im feeling uncomfortable in a new way ?? when i first got to university, i jumped head first into the lgbt community on campus and did literally anything i could to be as big of an advocate as i could be. i felt so much power in walking into our lgbt safe space on campus, or whenever i would hang out with my visibly queer friends, and now..

im like..

not..

i feel so uncomfortable and detached being in lgbt spaces on campus, or even online. i feel no empowerment, i feel embarrassed and ashamed of being trans, of being in spaces where i pass less ? which includes lgbt circles. 

its led to a huge increase in some internalized homophobia and transphobia where it’s not just wanting to pass, im like semi stealth at work and wanting it to be that way everywhere. i legit just want to like.. idk!!! be cis!!!! and treated cis by other people!!! which whenever cis people find out or figure out im trans, they just dont DO. i only get treated like a normal human being if people dont know im trans and its!!! shit!!!!

as a result ive been way less involved in the community at school, which is shitty enough becasuse i feel, idk, super fucking guilty about it!!!! and its always been SO important to be to be visible and an advocate for trns rights, and right now i dont feel comfrtable being an advocate, i just want to like.... blend in and fit in with classmates and not have to feel self conscious that they know

anyway this is especially feeling shitty because i feel alienated from my own fucking community and i have no idea how to haul myself out of here. idk how to be stealth and visible and an advocate but not be a Token Trans person and!!!

also!!!

at work, pretty much no one knows im trans. a couple people have clearly figured it out, but no one has a confirmation,a nd for the most part?? as far as i can tell, people just see me as a really short and effeminate cis guy. its LIT.

my boss is actually, aha, my mentor at school. hes an older trans guy who is like,, the single best passing person ive ever seen and even though he was assigned as my mentor as part of an lgbt mentorship program at school, it took like our third meeting for me to finally figure out that YES he is trans too

but anyway!! most of his employees (and therefore,, my coworkers) know hes trans,, and hes making a video to share on facebook for tdov about being trans, and while i know logically it does not affect me at all and honestly it likely will not change a single damn thing, i am shitting myself because every week im in his office, im like, always in his office for mentoring and im terrified of some of my coworkers piecing together why im always there when like,, even tho hes my boss unless im in trouble i shouldnt really be spending that much time in his office unless i were also trans and was like always in his office to talk about Trans Things

theres a lot more to this but i need to fold my laundry but just..... when can i stop having this crisis and overthinking and overreacting and WORRYING and go back to idk,, having pride in myself

funny how i stopped hating myself for being a trans guy who didnt pass, and now i just hate myself for being a trans guy. period. lol .