#if you haven't read the novel pls do.. is coming out soon!

[mybworlds]

CHAPTER 7

status: ongoing

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

summary: your life is full of 'must'. You live with your overprotective mother who controls every aspect of your life. You have a dream, to write romance novels, but love - real love - you haven't found yet. Your mother has even decided what you must do in your free time: play music. One day, however, when you go to your music teacher's house, you will have an unexpected encounter and from that day on things change…

Masterlist

rating: 18+ explicit (minors, DNI)

Before to start... thank you for your support, for your likes and reblog, thank you, thank you, thank you ❤️

If you like it pls leave a like/comment/reblog it, if you don't like it don't be rude and keep going. Please remember English is not my first language, so please be merciful!

Thanks @vase-of-lilies for the banner

Grocery shopping with Joel is an experience that turned out to be more fun perhaps than it should have been as Joel would just run from one aisle to another, leaning on the shopping cart whenever you told him to wait because you were watching what to get. If it were up to him, he would take prepared and powdered stuff only, and when that happened, you would turn your nose up at it and make him put it down or put it down yourself.

In short, you learned one thing: Joel can't do grocery shopping.

You smile as you're walking back to his house-he has a trunk full of bags and edibles, he'll be fine for weeks probably!

You help him arrange the groceries in the fridge, in the pantry, he takes things out of the bags and you put them away. From time to time you cast glances at each other, which to you means gratitude, to him perhaps more, you try not to ask.

"I've to go now. I have to talk to my mother," you tell him wearing your jacket again.

"I'll accompany you." he offers.

You shake your head "No, Joel, I'd like to take a walk."

"It's far." he reminds you.

"I know, but…I'd still like to go alone. Thank you anyway." he nods lowering his gaze for a brief moment "Joel" you go on approaching him "thank you for everything, really."

"Anytime." he says.

You throw your arms around his neck and hug him, he returns the hug strongly. Your heart is pounding in your chest, you cannot explain what is happening. You hide your face in his neck and inhale deeply his strong scent with your eyes closed, you wonder why for you there is never a situation as simple and precise as the one you experienced before when you were helping him grocery shop, everything had been so natural at that moment, your glances, your smiles, him showing you the things to buy and you shaking your head making him roll his eyes. You almost looked like--

"Bye." you say loosening your grip and turning your back immediately, or you would never leave.

Those brown eyes, his scent, his smile. They almost bewitched you.

It shouldn't be that way. Because you're dating another guy, not Joel, but then why his presence becomes more and more cumbersome, more and more present, more and more powerful, more and more all-encompassing with each passing second?

You wish it wasn't so.

The phone vibrates, there is a new message from Jack.

You read the message, "Would you like to go out to dinner tonight?"

You look around and shake your head "Not tonight. I have to resolve an urgent matter at home."

Writing this, you block the phone and continue.

You don't feel like going out tonight. You need to talk to your mother, it's true.

But not only. You want to be alone.

When you knock on the front door, your mother immediately opens it: she is made-up, wearing a hideous pajamas that she wears when she doesn't feel well or is in a bad mood. As soon as she sees you, her face lights up and she throws her arms around your neck.

"Hi, Mom." you say when you are still clinging to her.

"Come." she says letting you in.

You go inside almost in small steps, as if you feel like an intruder entering your own home.

"May I?" you ask, looking away from your mother.

"It's your house, you don't even have to ask." she replies closing the door "I'm the one who has to apologize to you, not for letting you find Leo in the house, but for not talking to you." she sighs "I should have told you everything, or at least mentioned. We'll talk later if it's okay with you." you nod "Come, I ordered sushi."

You eat in silence. You never liked sushi much, but once in a while you pretend to like it, and you do it for your mother, for your messy, chaotic mother who strives to keep everything under control all the time, but who, it seems, cannot do so without being overwhelmed herself by all the events that life puts in front of her.

Both of you talk. For the first time without filters, without 'you must,' for the first time you talk to her and she listens to you; you tell her about Joel - well, you don't tell her everything everything everything - you explain he's become your music teacher and you go to him, no longer to Tommy's; she tells you about Leo and the way they met: she met him during a break from one of her endless hospital shifts, during that break they had talked so much and shared so much it had seemed to them they had known each other all their lives.

Initially they saw each other like this in the hospital when it happened only, she tells you, then they began to date each other during their shifts to have coffee and exchange some confidences, that was where it all started. When Leo had revealed to her he was married, your mother was already in love with him, she knows she is wrong to see a married man, she tells you, however, she loves him and cannot do without him, she feels guilty toward the man's wife and his two children, but at the moment she cannot avoid these meetings.

You make an effort not to judge her, even though you think she is making a mistake in dating this man, but rather advise her to distance herself from him a bit to really understand how she feels about him.

It's the same advice you gave yourself regarding Joel, don't see him to fully understand how you feel about him, whether it's just attraction or whether there's more to it.

Your mother smiles sweetly at you, "I'm sorry I relied so little on you, I'm sorry I didn't give you the right amount of wiggle room in your life. I've been a terrible parent. Oppressive. Sorry. In fact, if you want -- why don't you have your friends over tonight? I promise to go to bed early, but especially not to eavesdrop on any of your conversations," your mother says.

Your eyes light up and you throw your arms around her neck "Thank you, Mom, thank you, thank you." you give her a kiss on the cheek "Then I'll throw a sleepover party complete with pizza!" you exclaim on a high.

Your friends are delighted to come over to your house, you slip into your big pajamas with obscene patterns and fluorescent colors, then you open the pizza boxes and put play on the first movie on Netflix that comes your way, luckily it is a comedy-romance movie, therefore, it meets the tastes of all of you. When the movie is over, you hear your mother close her bedroom door to go to sleep.

That's when your moment of confidences begins: Kristen confides in you about a meeting with a guy at a graphic design master's program, he's very cute, but he's already engaged and she doesn't know whether to try anyway or let it go. You advise her to let it go, Gina and Helen instead urge her to go ahead and see what happens, bad luck he doesn't pick up on the signals and she can move on to the next guy. Gina tells about her erotic encounter two nights before with a guy in a bar, very nice, great speaker and especially one who is very good with oral sex.

"And what about you about John and Joel?" asks Helen.

"You too with 'John,' his name is Jack. J - A - C - K. Jack!" you exclaim.

"Yes, yes, he -- because who else calls him John?" asks Helen again.

"Joel. Last night…"

"You went to him?!" exclaims Gina raising her voice.

You shush her, "Yes, I went to him last night. Now I explain."

You tell them about what happened with your mother, how it had upset you and how you had found refuge at Joel's house, how he had welcomed you and made you feel welcomed, the kiss you gave each other, the shopping you did together the next day.

"I tell you again, when are you going to dip his fingers in your honey jar?" Helen asks making you blush conspicuously.

"What you're experiencing with him, you'll admit is weird," says Gina, you nod "I mean, you got close right away, so why not try it? I'm not saying have sex with him right away, but why not try to be closer to him, more intimate, and then maybe even that?"

"Maybe you don't like it though because Jack is there, but what if Jack wasn't there? Would you be more sure about being with Joel?" asks Kristen.

"Girls, you are forgetting one important thing: I am a virgin, in every sense of the word. I don't know anything about men, how to get intimate with a man, how to do certain things, things that maybe to you, Gina, are obvious. And then he had an affair that ended, it seems, badly that shook him up a lot and he has a daughter -- somewhere. I'm only 29 years old. I don't know if I can handle all this load," you confide to them.

"It's normal to be afraid," Helen reassures you, laying a hand on yours, "But if you don't try you'll never know."

"Now are you talking about Joel or Jack?"

"Both." she answers you "It seems to me you are using Jack as an alibi with Joel and Joel as an alibi with Jack. You are afraid. And again it's normal." she continues "But try to go a little bit further, I don't say go straight to the point, but maybe go out, dress a little bit more provocatively--"

"Yes, I can lend you a couple of my clothes!" exclaims Gina enthusiastically.

"Maybe try to get a little closer and then see what happens," Helen continues.

"We're talking about Jack now."

"Yes." says Helen again.

"Even with Joel, maybe try going somewhere, I don't know--maybe to a restaurant, a theater," says Gina.

"Joel is not the theater type, in fact he likes hiking, the smell of wood," you tell them.

"Then with Joel you are facilitated." resumes Gina "But, man, you have to figure out first who you feel most comfortable with, but more importantly who you are really interested in. Don't keep your foot in two stirrups. It happened to me once and it was a total disaster. You would end up losing 'em both."

That night you have a lot of nightmares. However, even though you wake up in a state of complete agitation, you decide you need to define this interest of yours.

You call Jack and ask him for a date, perhaps at the diner. Nothing romantic or special, but a way to meet him again and try to understand.

He tells you he is at the library this morning studying for an exam, but invites you to join him anyway. He would enjoy your company, he tells you.

You inform Gina about this meeting, and so she almost drags you to her house, or rather actually drags all of you friends to her house.

She makes you try on first a red one-shoulder sheath dress with a pair of shoes with a vertiginous heel, you risk falling and breaking an ankle; so, you shake your head and they roll their eyes.

A second dress is ankle-length ochre with a plunging neckline and a pair of stilettos underneath; you don't like that either.

The third is a midnight blue dress that is mid-thigh length, there is no neckline, and underneath you put on a pair of knee-length boots. It's perfect, you like it, and then you think you can also wear it to the library, maybe put a nice coat over it, and to the diner.

"You look like a nun." comments Gina disapprovingly.

"I like it." comment Kristen and Helen in chorus.

You smile at them, thank them, and then head for the library.

In the city's huge library you went there several times and all of them in secret from your mother, there you borrowed books of various kinds, mostly literature texts as you were strongly interested in literature especially English and Spanish, and as you read your imagination was fed and grew more and more until you wanted to write books.

This desire, however, is still confined to a corner of your head.

You go in, leave your bag in the locker and take the key with you, then use the key card to gain access inside and thus gain access to the reading section. Jack tells you he is in section 55. Your footsteps echo through the huge hallway, as you gradually pass the various sections and observe the hundreds of people hunched over books or reaching out to the various shelves in search of volumes.

You breathe in deeply the smell of the many books stored inside the library and smile, you have always loved that very special smell, the smell of time and history.

You have arrived at section 55 and you immediately see Jack hunched over a thick volume, you see him jotting something down in a notebook and then paying attention to the tome again. He looks so focused that he's almost funny. You approach him, gently placing a hand on his forearm, and he, so engrossed in what he is doing, jerks back.

"H - hello." he greets you with a bewildered look.

"Hi, I'm sorry I scared you," you say with a small smile.

"No, it's okay. Forgive my reaction to your wonderful sight." he says making you smile "Come, have a seat." he adds moving his jacket to another chair.

You sit down next to him and observe him "You look tired." you comment.

He smiles with a more relaxed air "Yes, the exam is in less than three weeks. It's right just before Christmas. I'm very tense. I could really use a distraction." he says looking at you.

"Would I be the distraction?" you ask him in a whisper.

He nods "You are a wonderful distraction." he says stroking your face. His hands are soft and gentle against your skin.

He looks at you, "Did you dress like that for me?"

You blush "I wanted to change it up a bit." you say "The dress is not mine, a friend lent it to me."

"You dress simpler, in fact." he agrees "I don't know if I like a different version of you. You are beautiful as you are, even in your simplicity."

"Thank you." you say lowering your gaze for a moment "Now study though, I don't want to bother you."

He smiles at you and then returns to his concentration, you occasionally shake his hand or he shakes your hand, you exchange smiles; the afternoon passes in total simplicity and for you it is splendid like that, perhaps what you need is someone who makes you feel good about the little things.

Jack then takes a little break by going to a cafeteria not far from there, of course he invites you to eat with him and it's another nice moment: with him you get to talk about literature, about authors from contemporary literature, from the Romantic era, with him you even get to draw parallels with contemporary music and authors, in short you get to talk about topics that not everyone understands or is interested in.

"I may perhaps seem premature or perhaps cheeky," he says when he has finished studying for this afternoon and you are both lying on the lawn of the park not far from the library, "but I like you very much." your heart beats hard in your chest "I am perfectly fine with you and I hope it will be the same for you," he adds, intertwining his fingers with yours and bringing your hand close to his lips, he kisses it gently.

You blush visibly, but decide to say something so as not to leave that brief statement of his like that "I'm fine with you too." he smiles at you "Shall we have dinner together tomorrow?" you propose.

He nods, smiling at you.

When he drives you home, you are about to get out of the car, but he stops you by saying your name, you turn around, and he kisses you. He literally rushes against your face, it almost hurt that kiss, he's visibly sweaty and the kiss is salty, but other than that taste, you can't feel anything you hoped for. No heartbeat due to that falling in love that you've been extolling to your friends or telling Joel about and that held you back when you kissed him, no dizziness. Your heart beats yes, but painfully because you realize that maybe you were wrong. Big time.

"Sorry about the kiss." he tells you "I haven't kissed in a long time." he justifies himself.

You smile embarrassed "It's okay. Good night." you tell him as you get off and enter the building.

When you are in your room by now, you slip out of the dress Gina lent you and stow your boots in the shoe rack, slip into your pajamas and think back to the kiss you exchanged with Joel, how much you felt wanted and how much more importantly you wanted that kiss, then you think about the kiss Jack gave you and how you felt nothing. Maybe getting Jack to kiss you was a mistake, not the kiss given to Joel.

You get a message from Gina "So how did it go with Jack?"

"Good. I'll tell u later." you answer very coldly and then lock the phone and put it on charge, you don't feel like talking.

You stare at the ceiling for a long time, then finally fall asleep.

The next morning, you go to work. It's very early and very cold. Your boots produce a resounding shuffling along the still semi-deserted streets of the town. When you get a few yards away, you see Joel standing outside, waiting for the bar to open. That morning it's your turn to open, but he's not there for you because you never told him that you, Helen, Maxime and Sam take turns opening the bar.

When he sees you he lifts his gaze from the floor and his face almost lights up "Hello." he greets you.

That heartbeat, that familiar heartbeat you feel when you see him, begins again.

"Hi." you greet him "Have you been here long?"

"No, 'bout ten minutes. I thought it opened at six." he replies.

Actually, judging by the flushed face it would seem he has been there for at least half an hour, but you decide to ignore that white lie.

"I couldn't get up this morning." you confess to him "I'm sorry you froze." you add, as you slip the key into the deadbolt and then remove it; then, you open the shutter with a clatter "Come." you say with a wave of your hand "I'll turn on the boiler." you warn him, slipping off your jacket and walking to the small dressing room of you barmaids. So you turn on the boiler, which starts immediately with a small puff.

"Done." you say when you return to Joel who greets you with a big smile, "Sorry, but for your coffee you have to wait a while. The engines still need to warm up." you inform him jokingly and smile at him as well.

"No problem. I was anticipating on purpose." you look at him questioningly "By 7:30 I have to be at work." you nod, in the process making those almost automatic gestures "The truth is, I was anticipating on purpose to see you." you look at him "I wanted to know how you were and how it was going with your mother." he adds looking into your eyes.

You go around the counter and sit next to him on the stool, "I'm fine. I mean, we talked and it had never happened. Never. In twenty-nine years I've never felt so free, so understood." you reply, then look him in the eyes "Even though the first person who listened to me, who pushed me to open my eyes was you." you add taking his hands in an uncalculated gesture, in an affectionate gesture "Thank you."

"You're welcome, sweety, I didn't do anything special," he tells you, stroking the back of your hand with his calloused thumbs.

You look at his face for a few seconds then lower your gaze for a moment, "I need to tell you one more thing."

Joel tightens his grip on your hands just a little more and then looks at you with an almost icy gaze as if he has already guessed the subject.

"Jack kissed me," you tell him, biting your lower lip softly, "And he told me he liked me a lot."

Joel abruptly lets go of your hands as if he had caught the current and stands up, "Excuse me, but I'm not going to listen to this!" he blurts out, "I'm glad you're happy and that you're clear-headed 'bout it now." you see him nodding as if he's performing an inner struggle, he's about to say and do something, but then he reconsiders, "Now I have to go, um… I'll see you in a couple of days for class." having said that he quickly turns his back on you and leaves.

"And he ran away," you conclude, recounting what happened to your friends.

You are sitting in a small diner downtown at a small circular table with oak benches, and in front of each of you there's a different drink.

"He's obviously jealous, Daddy," says Gina.

"Daddy?! Where do you get off using that obscene nickname, Gina!" exclaims Helen "Well, he's obviously jealous, otherwise he wouldn't have run away." adds your friend.

Kristen twirls the ice cube in her Old - fashioned absently.

"I'm so confused." you add "Maybe I shouldn't have confided in him, maybe I made a mistake in trying to be his friend, in making him a sort of my confidant because he can't. Maybe I should cut it off," you say again.

"What if Jack is the wrong one? Have you thought about that?" interjects Helen "Why are you convinced that Jack is the one? You don't seem to have much transport for him, just look at the way you talk about him."

"Why how do I talk about him?" you ask.

"You talk about Jack as well as an acquaintance who's had a few cents stolen from him," Kristen finally interjects.

"And how do I talk about Joel instead?"

"When you talk about him you revive yourself, you put passion, involvement," Kristen replies again.

"But why don't you spend a night of unrestrained clarifying sex with him?" asks Gina fidgeting on the bench.

You snort, "I think you're the one who has to do it! Gina, Joel and I are nothing, I can't go over there and say, let's have sex, he'd laugh in my face and then he wouldn't want to see me again."

"Why don't you ask him if he can teach you some tricks to use with Jack?" asks Helen.

"But that's kinky!" exclaims Kristen "Poor Joel why should he teach her some sex moves to be with someone else?!"

"Let's keep it down, please," you remind them "You're talking about me and not a bag. Anyway, I agree with Kristen, I'm not going to go to him and tell me to use moves to seduce Jack, absolutely not. It would be monstrous to ask him that, I can't do that," you add, shaking your head.

You couldn't do that to him, it would be cruel! Maybe you could ask him what it would be like to be with a man, what you would have to do, but while you're thinking about that, you're also thinking you wouldn't be able to look him in the eye and make such a proposal.

You see Joel again the next day; he looks tired, but when he sees you his eyes and face obviously marked by fatigue give way to the joy of seeing you, though he tries not to let that happiness drag him down too much. You by now don't even pay attention to the heartbeat that accompanies you when you walk to his house or when you see him, then he offers you coffee, which by now you take.

You ask him about his work while sitting on one of the stools in his kitchen, he talks to you about what he has done and will have to do, he adds a lot of interludes like 'fuck' and 'shit' in his narrative that make you smile, but deep down you like that aspect of Joel too.

You talk most of the time that should instead be devoted to chords or sheet music, but you honestly don't care especially when you have Joel next to you holding your hand or stroking now your hair now your face causing you to shiver all over. The man then asks about your mother and how your relationship is progressing and you tell him she is getting close to a group of religious fervents, she meets in these reading groups, you are worried about her especially when she jumps like that on something she knows nothing about. He just nods and tells you to stay close to her and if you notice too strange attitudes, you should intervene with all your might even if it means making her hate you.

"I wonder what my life, her life, would have been like if my father had not left. I would like to understand what happened that was so bad that he left." you confide to him "Sometimes I wonder what our lives would have been like if he had been there." you add.

"Don't ask yourself these questions," he says, taking your face in his hands, "you only hurt yourself." you are so close again and your heart is beating so fast again, you are afraid he might hear it being so close to you. He has a strange light in his eyes, a light so different, you've never seen it before.

He clears his throat and then urges you, saying, "Let's go play, at least ten minutes."

He plays, you strum, trying to imitate him, but to no avail. Your mind is totally caught up in other thoughts, you feel strange, you can't explain what is happening to you, you have a feeling you've never felt before at the level of your lower abdomen, like something that wants to come out, you don't even know what it is, you just know that at some point you start fidgeting on the couch next to him and look away from him and his hands touching the guitar with delicate precision.

"Are you all right?" he asks you, probably noticing how you move beside him.

"Yes."

"You're all flushed, what's wrong?" he asks wrinkling his forehead.

"Nothing. Really." you reply, but the tone of your voice betrays you.

"What's the matter, baby?" he asks as he puts down his guitar and looks insistently into your face.

You realize it's time to leave, you're like afraid of what you're feeling.

"I have to go." you say splashing off his couch, you hurriedly grabbed your backpack and coat without wearing them and are about to reach the door, but Joel stops you by caging you against the door, your back is still to him, you don't know how to explain what is happening to you.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you want to run away from me now? What have I done to you?" he asks, laying his hands on your shoulders causing intense shivers down your spine. You feel his hands stroking up and down your arms, maybe he wants to reassure you, but it has the opposite effect.

"I would never hurt you, what's going on?" he asks again quietly, making you turn to face him.

"J - Joel… I - I - um, I don't know. It's--" you mumble with your head down.

"Talk to me." he insists calmly, laying a finger under your chin causing you to lift your head toward him.

"I don't know what's happening to me. The truth is, yes I'm dating Jack, but I can't see Jack the way I want to, I talk to him and yes we have things in common, but I can't feel what I want to." you confess to him.

He stares intensely into your eyes only heightening that almost uncomfortable feeling of yours "I'm sorry." he tells you "But why were you running away from me?"

"I don't know," you answer him, "You confuse me. The truth is what's being created between us is something big and it scares me." you confess to him again without being able to look him in the eye "I'm fine with you, but to a part of me that's not enough." you add again "And it scares me because I feel I can't control it."

When you decide to lift your eyes to his face, you find that same look again, that same light as before, you feel you miss your breath, "You don't have to be afraid, whatever it is." he tells you "Y' know, what I think?" you shake your head "I think you've been so used to being in control of every aspect of your life that now the slightest new thing upsets you. Y' know what I say? You have every right to try and fail, try again and fail again." he then says your name softly "You can't be in control of everything all the time. Let yourself go."

"Oh, Joel..." you say laying your hand on his "I'm afraid I'm getting it all wrong." you confess to him "As long as I'm involved and that's all...but I'm afraid I'm pulling too hard with..."

"With your John?" he asks taking a half step toward you and squeezing even tighter between him and the door.

"I can't risk losing everything. It's become too important in such a short time." you answer him without looking at his face, you are talking to yourself, but he doesn't know that. The correct answer would have been Joel, but a part of you still can't say it although his name is on the tip of your tongue.

"I asked you a question," he insists, "Is this about John?"

"Jack." you correct him.

He rolls his eyes in a spaced-out expression "So?"

"Joel, let me go." you make to turn your back on him again, but he places one hand on your hip and the other on the door handle and stops you.

"Who is upsetting you so much?" he whispers in your ear making your skin crawl "John or is i' me?" he asks you again tightening his grip just a little more.

"I won't have the courage to look at your face after that," you warn him, but at the same time you answer him. You swallow, closing your eyes, the truth perhaps being this: you are afraid of losing his friendship because of your total confusion.

"You can talk to me about it, I'm not like that little boy you like so much." he prods you "I'm not one to run away in the face of difficulties or in the face of even the most unpleasant words or deeds."

"Okay." you nod turning toward him, swallow and then you tell him making an effort to look him in the eye and sound firm in your words and the tone of voice you use "I can't see you as just my teacher, you have become more, you are more than a friend, I don't know however how to see you, how to define you, I just know that being with you confuses me, I'm fine, but at the same time I would like to run away because I'm afraid of doing or saying something stupid, inappropriate, of not knowing when it's time to do something and when not. I am afraid of losing this bond that has been created with you because of my total inexperience. I don't know what to do when you look at me like that, I don't know what to do..."

He pulls his hand away from the door handle and your side and wraps your face in his hands "Y' know very well I'd never do anything you don't want, I'd never force you into doing or saying what you don't feel. I don't expect anything. I don't care whether you are experienced or not. For me you are perfect just the way you are." he tells you looking into eyes you feel pinch "I don't demand that you choose me or want to be with me, but I want you to know I am there for you. As a friend, as a confidant, in whatever way you want. And I'll respect your choice. What matters is your happiness, not my wishes or hopes. There is your life in the way, you are so young and you have so many dreams to give, so many experiences to live. My life is a mess, but now the point is not my life as much as yours. So," he says wiping away two timid tears that had begun to line your face "I want you to choose what is best for you, whether it's John, whether it's me or whoever." he kisses your forehead "If you want to go, at least cover yourself first." he concludes by moving his hands away from your face, takes a step back and then returns to the living room.

If you were experienced, you'd have chased him down and kissed him with the whole ardor you possessed, but instead you find yourself putting on your coat, gloves, scarf and hat and walking away.

[fatuismooches]

ITS 💌 ANON!! as per usual i come to you with a headcanon at ungodly hours of the night in my time. i’ve been playing too much honkai star rail…BUT!! fluff and angst combo again 🏃 ure the best :(( pls don’t follow my example and get proper rest !! thanks for always being cool hehe

Dottore making a medicine that actually does work!! you can move around like normal, no longer as tired, and ofcourse- Dottore is thrilled. He’s done it, he kisses them and he takes reader everywhere, every single place he wanted to- he checked everything, they were fine…until suddenly, they fainted and he basically finds out that the medicine could only make everything good for a short amount of time before putting reader in the most excruciating pain possible after, so sadly, zandik curses himself and gets back to work :(( he dosent care about the sacrifices, he dosent care what he has to give and what gets taken away as long as you don’t. He’s a committed man and he’s committed for until after life. Literally will reincarnate with you if he can because he will *not* let go.

TO THE FLUFF THOUGH! zandik taking atleast 1 hour everyday to do something that you like because he realizes that you miss him (and he misses you too). At first he was wary because he wanted to ensure that he could get you cured as soon as possible, but he couldn’t handle it if you were all sad and gloomy either. He didn’t want you to think of yourself as a burden and god forbid, you try to leave again (referring to that one ask where reader leaves bc they feel like a burden,, in feel like he’s be so damn scared…even if he won’t admit it). So reading you a book? sure, just be prepared for many side comments if it’s some cheesy romance novel or him reading a textbook. Drawing? hell, he’ll draw an anatomical heart with you holding it! Cuddling? he’ll wrap you up in his fluffy coat and hug you as much as you want.

- 💌 anon

AWW ILYY 💌 ANON!! Hehe I am trying my best to go to sleep earlier... it's a work in progress. Also i feel you on the HSR brainrot but I'm TBL 57, have no good artifacts since I haven't farmed, and stuck on the deer boss fight 💀 i gotta get on the grind soon 😫🫠 But you better get proper rest too!!! Or else- 💖💖

NOOO THE FLUFF GETS IMMEDIATELY WIPED AWAY TO ANGST- I can't imagine the sheer happiness you two would feel. Reader, of course, would be absolutely elated and very plainly show how delighted they are. You're running, hopping, Dottore even twirls you around and you do a pretty little spin as you fall back into his arms. You're so happy, you haven't smiled or laughed this much in ages. Dottore, as usual, doesn't show nearly as much emotion as you, but don't let that fool you. Internally, he's feeling something he has never felt before, so foreign that normally he'd be trying to get rid of it but this time he knows exactly why he's having this feeling. Thrilled, excited, proud, enthusiastic, words that could not even begin to fully describe this feeling. Centuries of work finally paid off, never to have to be repeated again. To see you so purely happy, makes him look forward to things going back to how they once were. Oh, how much fun you'd have joining him as his assistant again. The whole atmosphere and feelings of the clones in the lab are in sync for once.

Except... it all comes crashing down. Literally. When you collapse in his arms with ragged breaths, skin searing to the touch, actual tears begin to form from how badly it hurts. Immediately the mood from early deflates as he rushes to get you back to normal and ease your suffering </3 To have something he desires right in his hands, just to be snatched away from him with no warning is something he's never experienced before. He is a scholar, possibly one of the most intelligent beings in Teyvat. Such a thing shouldn't have happened to him. But it did, and he has to start over. He probably killed some people to blow off steam. No remorse. Just anger.

Sigh sigh I LOVE THIS SM. Normally, he'd scoff if it was any other activity. Especially when it's boring meetings. A whole hour? For nonsense? He finds it meaningless. His 24 hours are spent doing important things. Important things being research, experiments, notes... and you, of course. You're right, when Dottore has a goal or something he wants to reach, he just throws himself into it. No breaks, nothing, he just wants to make progress, progress, progress. Especially when it's you on the line. He'll refuse any and all contact. But he's come to realize your state deteriorates even more if your needs are not met by him. Not to mention the clones are sending messages to each other internally about how sad you are, which he decides he overhears way too frequently </3 So he knows he has to put a stop into it. (And yes, that ask was sad as hell, I still think about it 😭🥺)

Love how we agree he's a pro at drawing anatomical stuff hehe. You cut out the hearts he draws and put them on your walls or something ;( And also AHHHH THE FLUFFY COAT CUDDLING... No words can describe how much I love that scenario. It's so cute to think about both of you wearing it at the same time... you're on his lap, he's wearing the coat but it's swallowing your whole body up anyway since it's wrapped around, the fluff tickling your face!! <3 The book is in your hand, you both take turns reading it but Dottore interrupts whenever something dumb is said or done. Oh.. but you end up falling asleep since his voice is so relaxing and his chest is so comfy..

Ughhh eternal lovers with Dottore is hitting me right now ;( Especially when you talked about his commitment... hell yes this crazy doctor will not bat an eye at anyone else besides you it doesn't matter how long it's been. For you he has no limits. He always be intrigued and into this person who managed to worm their way into his cruel cold heart...

[lemony-snickers]

For pillow fort friday<3

If I had to make you a drink I would do a simple whisky cocktail !  (I hope you like whiskey as much as Saya does—bc I know I do!)

-Whiskey on the rocks with a homemade spiced* honey syrup *(cinnamon, ginger, orange, honey+ water/sugar) -A dash of Orange bitters and a weee bit of fresh lemon juice—garnished with an orange wheel

You pick a movie/tv show/anime! (Or 5?) I could use a good rec! :)

good morning, kaz! i'm so sorry i missed this last night, i was busy singing my lungs out very poorly at karaoke, ahaha.

that cocktail sounds fantastic, i will take two, pls & thank you. whiskey (and scotch whisky particularly) is my preferred liquor most of the time, though gin does edge ahead a little bit in the summer when i enjoy a nice fizz with fresh fruit. that cocktail sounds perfectly up my alley! <3

let's see what i can do about recommendations below the cut because they got looonnnnggg (sorry)...

tv shows:

ted lasso. i was very late to this one, but just binged all three seasons and really enjoyed it. on apple.

BEEF. it's sooooooo goood and bizarre and wonderful in the worst (best) ways. on netflix.

trial & error. was an nbc comedy over too soon. on peacock, i think.

the river. likewise cancelled early, but it's horror on the amazon and i loved it a lot. idk where to find this one, but i'm sure it's streaming someplace as all things are these days.

not dead yet. which finished its first season recently is an easy watch & pretty funny. the MC is very relatable in an, "i am a mess" sort of way alsjdf;adfs. i think this is nbc, but i watched it on hulu.

movies:

everything everywhere all at once. i can't wait to watch this again. it was my first time in a non-socially distanced movie theatre post-quarantine and it was such a joy to hold my spouse's hand while i laughed my ass off and cried and yelled. love this fucking thing (as does everyone else, as they should).

you won't be alone. this is horror. body horror. it's pretty messy in parts but so so sooooooo soooooooooooooo good. it's also primarily in macedonian with subtitles and i'm not sure how hard it would be to track down.

the impostors. with stanley tucci and oliver platt is a comedy from my youth that i still think is one of the best of all time.

a goofy movie. idk, y'all, i just showed this to my spouse because it was referenced in an episode of atlanta (another great fucking tv show) and it's still just so funny and heartwarming and the music they made for powerline is so good.

spiderman: across the spider-verse. haven't even seen this yet but my god i want to so badly and i just know it's gonna be killer because the first one blew my mind.

anime (i'm probably not gonna come up with much here you haven't already seen or know about tbh but let's see):

blue period. especially as an artist, i think you might enjoy this one. i binged it in like a day and a half and thoroughly enjoyed it all very much. on netflix.

maid-sama! i actually enjoyed watching this anime so much that i then went back and read the whole manga because i needed to know how it ended. it was cute and expected and exactly the sort of low-stakes shojo i needed at the time.

ghost hunt!.i fucking love this little horror anime and am so disappointed it didn't get to go longer. there is a manga and also a light novel that are very worthwhile if you ever have the time.

i think three is all you're gonna get outta me for this category, but i hope something there sparks your fancy! thanks so much! <3

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

If you already got this from someone and you just haven't answered yet pls ignore, but if no one else asked i want to add klinger+charles for the relationship bingo ask meme

ok I’m getting to this late as FUCK but PLEASE nobody ever hesitate to send me something for an ask game if I get one ask on a topic I will go YIPPEE and if I get 20 asks on the same topic I will go YIIIIIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Anyhow you're indeed the only one around here who shows outside interest in our rarepair insanity, a boon I will remember as long as I live btw. Mx. Smoking Marlene Dietrich I owe you the WORLD

TRIPLE BINGO because they are EVERYTHING. to me.

It’s funny. This is the one duo where I almost do just want to post the bingo and leave it at that. Part of me wants to tell people about this ship SO bad, to give novel-length explanations and justifications and theses. But the other part of me is like you know what. You either Get It or you don’t.

Anyways there are 10000 things to say about Them but one is: I specifically did not fill in “gay af to have a sworn rival” even though it cost me another bingo because one of the most fascinating things about the interactions between these two is that they actually do not have a mutually adversarial relationship--even though that’s what writers usually do with two characters on diametrically opposite ends of the socioeconomic spectrum. 

I’ve been thinking about this a bit because I’ve seen people say things like, “It’s great what a funny duo they turned into when they started out hating each other, haha.” And I get why one would think like this but IMO it’s actually not the case! Charles acts more familiar with Max over time because he does that with everyone--

(Though he’s racist towards Max throughout, of course. Because Charles’ racism never goes away. You know that right. MASH fandom I am putting my hands on your shoulders and asking: You know that, right? I keep seeing people talk about Charles having a character arc and a redemption arc so I’m just. I’m just making sure.)

--but Max has actually been pretty nice to him right from the start, back when Charles’ relationship with basically every character was antagonistic. As soon as s6e13 he tells Charles how similar they are, how they should work together to try and get away from the war, how they’re “soulmates”. Even after Charles insults him, he straight up says, “I’m on your side, Major”, which I’m pretty sure remains one of the nicest things someone canonically says to Charles, ever. Just one scene, but emblematic of a greater whole, of quite a few future scenes where Max gamely engages with Charles even when it puts him in unpleasant situations.

And of course, the motivation the show usually gives, on those occasions when it thinks about Maxwell’s motivations at all, is a simple throwaway “Well Charles is paying him / giving him some other material benefit, so obviously Klinger will be his kicked dog! You all know how Middle Eastern people are! We are a groundbreakingly progressive show btw.”

But man. Fuck that shit. This is far afield of my original point but the thing is, Max’s interactions with Charles are often the most egregious exempla of every way the later seasons fucked over my girl here. It almost seems useless to try to analyze any of Max’s actions after a certain point from a Watsonian perspective, when the Doylist reading of the show being too racist and stupid to do anything coherent with him is the ultimate explanation, and sometimes the only explanation you can even come up with, because shit just makes NO fucking sense in-universe. 

But unfortunately I’m a stupid cringe ass fanfic writer/reader, and I love this character, and Max already gets so little screentime compared to the main protagonists, and I don’t want to just ignore him because of the decisions of writers who didn’t care about him.

(That’s the entire reason I started shipping this stupid thing in the first place, btw. I just wanted to read some fanfic where Max is the main character and idk if you’ve noticed but if it weren’t for AO3 user stateofintegrity and their ~problematic cringe ship~, the pickings would be pretty fucking slim.)

So I like to pretend there’s a better reason for Maxwell going from “Major Burns I hate you so fucking much I am going to kill us both with this fucking grenade” to the equivalent of a tumblr blog responding to pathetic anon hate with “are we about to have sex”. After all, if you’re going to write Maxwell yourself, get inside his head and all, then you also have to account for why he tolerates all the OTHER characters’ racism towards him in later seasons, too. 

And the messy problematic reasoning I come up with is that Max is at heart the kindest and also most emotionally intelligent character on the show, and even the liberalized version of the 1950s our story is set in is a systemically bigoted universe that is all he’s ever known and experienced, and he’s certain these are good people, really, when it matters. And being emotionally intelligent, and generally intelligent too for that fucking matter, and observant and insightful, he can tell there’s a big difference between Frank and Charles, and perhaps less of a difference, even, between Charles and Hawkeye. Maybe when you watch things from Hawkeye’s POV, the ideological and moral differences between him and Charles are huge, but maybe if you were in Max’s POV instead there wouldn’t be quite as much of a distinction between them. I don’t know! I don’t know. Just some ideas, I don’t know. 

Of course getting into fucking. internalized racism and such is pretty uncomfy and exhausting shit. And that’s not even touching all the gender stuff my girl has going on. You start to see why nobody wants to get into this character’s head much. But I do :3 And I do honestly think sometimes the most effective way to do that is to look at the Messiest Ship In All Of MASH (TM). As I’ve talked about before from the Charles angle, I love this ship precisely because of its Problems, because they’re problems that exist anyways for both characters, and having the two of them interact makes the problems impossible to ignore, so they maybe finally get to be dealt with. I mean, I just don’t think the optimal resolution to Charles and Max’s racism-laden interactions is that Charles goes back home to a big opulent house and Max struggles to save up to buy a used car in After M*A*S*H. That is not super satisfying. to me. 

This post got derailed to hell but I think what I was trying to say is that Max treats Charles SO much better than that bastard man deserves and I would at least like to see something come of it, for the love of--

[natsuru]

TGCF POLL TIME: PICK YOUR KING

[syubub]

2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

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Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜

[sothischickshe]

Novella, Backstory,Time Lapse 😘

😘😘😘

novella: do you prefer to write short stories, one-shots, or entire novels?

Well, as per usual, I'm not sure I understand the question. I mean, can a one-shot not be short? Or at least novel length?

And prefer for what???

I think on balance I enjoy writing short things more bc:

Writing complex plotty plots hard

Can hold the entirety of a short story in my head at once, which is helpful for editing

Precision and specificity in language choices become more important, and that's where I live

Not so many words to write

But i think that's an answer about what I prefer to edit 😂

It's also hard for me to gauge bc a. I've never written any ff that breaks the 50k barrier (I think yourself and others is like 46k and it's by far the longest?), and have no particular desire to do so, and b. I write the multi chapters a chapter at a time. So it's like: write a chapter, post a chapter, OK shit what's happening next??

I've done nano a couple of times and written longer things (though again I think we're talking novella length rather than long long), and I've always meant to go back and edit them and just haven't and... Again I think I'm answering a question about what I prefer to edit 😂

I dunno, I think I lean more towards enjoying writing one-two shots and shorter stories bc I prefer the editing experience, but I'm not averse to longer things probably

(also: I think I've read more bad short stories than truly bad novels, and I'm mad at every bad short story I've ever read. And a perfect short story is I think more impressive to me than a perfect novel. But also im hella lazy and can't be dealing with more than ~5000 words really)

 backstory: how did you come to love writing?

I don't know. I wish I had a good answer for this! I feel like I've always loved reading and therefore I've always loved writing??

Things that maybe helped:

My mother was convinced I was dyslexic like her (and TBH I sometimes think she was right??) and put crazee amounts of energy into making sure I was comfortable making letter shapes etc, and v soon the teachers were like what you even on about you mad woman, she's like the best in the class at this, pls calm down

My hearing is horrid, and I've got a general preference for written comms

I was surrounded by books and art and pens and paper and noone ever implied I shouldn't be doing it

My parents are songwriters (amongst other things)

I dropped English literature as soon as I was able 😂

I am extremely resistant to the idea of making my living out of something i love and am creatively passionate about for varied reasons

Family members were: English teachers, school librarians, academic writers, screenwriters, studying, storybook writers (everyone just always seemed to be frenetically typing)

^none of whom can spell so I was just like LEMME GET MY RED PEN OUT, CAN'T TRUST ADULTS TO DO A GD THING AMIRIGHT

A lot of my friends are writers

 time-lapse: how long have you been writing (as a hobby or for work)?

Kind of since always I think as a hobby??

Me and a friend in primary school had these elaborate worlds of characters and wrote like 3 million notebooks worth of stuff?? And carried it on for yyyyyeeeeeaaaaarrrrsssss

But then again, it's not been a consistent hobby for me, it's dipped in and out of my life.

This time/gg ff? Just over a year :)

For work, I mean i don't, but I do think written communication is a part of my job, and a part of many jobs, and I think finessing the clarity of your written communication (especially when it involves dealing with dumbfuck men) is a boon to creative writing too, probably???