#if you know what sheetz is it's that but it's better than sheetz without a doubt

[fiercedancers]

People in other parts of this country really don’t have Wawa huh.... how do you survive

[sierrabinondo]

woodland creatures tour - day 7 (greensboro)

normally i feel very weird about sleeping over people’s houses, just in general??? you know what i mean? sometimes you just can’t get comfortable because you’re not in your own bed, not because of where you are or who you’re with. on tour i’m so fucking exhausted and so comfortable with living like i’m a backpacker that it’s all just normal to me. like a brat i located the couch and crawled up onto it while everyone else took an air mattress. i would have slept on an air mattress but we couldn’t fit one lmao. 

i automatically woke up at like 8:30 and couldn’t fall back asleep, so i got up and started getting ready. tour has also made me skilled at being able to freshen up and do my makeup in the crevice of any house, hotel, car, you name it. i try not to make noise but inevitably everyone heard me and slowly woke up one by one. the door was unlocked so i started to pack whatever i could into the van. god, it was so beautiful out. though we were in the south, and the temperature was still pretty high day-to-day, at this moment it just felt like the most beautiful fall weather. we managed to get out of the house at 9:30 am, which we were aiming for. james’ roommate, who was leaving for work, kindly wished us well as we packed up the van to head out. we unfortunately missed james so i shot him a text. 

the day before, taylor and i coordinated a group outing to the greensboro science center, which was a museum, zoo and aquarium all in one. for the price of $12 per person, since we were a group!!! incredible! before heading to greensboro, which would be our shortest drive all of tour (an hour and a half!), we hit starbucks and panera again. when we pulled up to the panera it was in a shopping plaza with people lined up waiting for like... verizon to open???? so bizarre. 

i desperately needed to hunker down and get some work done before we hit the road, for the most part my phone was providing reliable wifi but i had a time sensitive task that needed to be completed. once that was done we hit the road. we arrived to the science center and once pulses. showed up, we headed in. the science center was so sick. we started our trek around the building at like 1, and penguin feeding was at 3:30. but with so much exploring to do, we knew we’d be able to kill two hours and a half easily. 

we started with the zoo portion a

nd saw a lot of cool animals. they had a lot of atypical mammals you don’t always see at zoos. what they DID have was R E D  P A N D A S, and theY WERE AWAKE. back at home we have the cape may zoo which is soooooo sick, i love going there, but their red pandas are always sleeping. i literally cried because the red pandas at this exhibit were so much closer, and they were romping around their lil home. the one red panda hopped off its perch and CAME TO THE WINDOW TO SAY HELLO IT JUMPED UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. i definitely made a fool of myself getting loudly emotional but i didn’t care in the slightest. my entire life was made. we also saw an owl at the barn where the petting zoo was!!!

we were all laughing so fucking hard cracking jokes at every exhibit. it felt like an adult school field trip hahaha. i was having so much fun. it was nice to enjoy something together and not be stuck in a van in a rush to get somewhere. the outdoor area tuckered us out pretty badly from being in the heat, so it was nice to get back inside to go check out the aquarium in the air-conditioned building. the aquarium was pretty sick, there was a tank that was home to the biggest octopus i have ever seen in person. i was most interested in the otters and penguins, to be honest. we also hit the touch tank which was sick, except i had to soak my entire fucking arm just to maybe get a crumb of attention from a sting ray. they were swimming everywhere but where i planted myself. 

after going through the aquarium, we still had some time to kill before the penguin feeding at 3:30 pm. we hit the gift shop, where they had red panda and barn owl plushes. what a coincidence, both our tour mascots!! i’m a sucker for stuffed animals so of course i bought one. taylor bought an owl for pulses. so now we both had FRIENDS to represent our bands. we went downstairs to go check out the snakes and lizards. not as exciting for me, but still sick. we were going to hit the museum part finally, but it was 3:20 so we figured might as well head over to the penguins. it was worth the wait. there was a penguin named gojira haha

it turned out that there was enough time for us to get food together before the show. jaime found a restaurant named pastabilities, it was a sit-down but you could make your own pasta dish chipotle-style???? so i got chickpea pasta with chicken, sundried tomatoes, spinach and mushrooms. sooooooooooooooooooo good. i wasn’t going to get pasta because i was going to try to be a healthy guy but ugh what the fuck ever. i love pasta. i’m not going to rob myself of pasta opportunities!!!! we had another really wonderful meal together as a tour package. i guess because we were the biggest group and you could hear us talking loudly about tour the staff figured out we were musicians. the manager came over and started asking who played what haha. 

after a delicious early dinner, we drove to our hotel for check-in so that we could drop our personal bags. pulses. followed us because they were just driving home after the show later, and waited in the parking lot until they could head to the venue. i forget the name of the hotel we stayed at but the people in there were super suspect, and projecting those vibes FOR sure. taylor said she thinks she saw a guy walking around with a burner phone as a car was slowly driving in circles around the parking lot. i’m like great, last thing we need is another scary motel. our stuff ended up being fine though, it was one of the better spots we stayed at. 

pulses. awaited us at the venue and we arrived a little after load-in started. it was super quiet when we showed up, we set up quickly and waited around. the house we played, ice house, was huge. so much more massive than houses in new brunswick where students in jersey host shows, mostly. there was so much room to move around and sit, it was nice. at first it seemed like not many people were inside, but then you go outside and there’s DOZENS of kids hanging out drinking. eventually more and more people came inside to watch the bands too. glow and terms x conditions were great! 

for all of us, it had been a weird afternoon, but we did our best to be positive and just rip our set(s) as best as we could. and the change in attitude paid off! both our bands received awesome crowd response from the people who attended. it was awesome to see people jamming out and genuinely having a good time. also uh a fight broke out during our set??? insane. there was a kid trying to take down everyone, like just to the ground lmao, and when he tried to do it to david he put in a chokehold. and david grabbed his arm and was just like, STOP. i made everyone stop playing until we sorted out that everything was all right. i had to play without my in-ears which sucked, in the past i have always struggled and tired myself out trying to sing loud enough over the monitors. so i just tried to listen carefully, sing carefully and trust myself. and joe said i hit some like bananas note during synapse that i haven’t been able to do since?? i remember going for it and it was fine, idk maybe it was actually BAD, but i will never know now haha. 

we didn’t sell merch, nor make a lot of money, but i think what counts as a successful show is when people receive you super well. leaving a positive first impression on somebody as a band is so important to me because that person could potentially go on to listen to us for a long time. i will say though, it’s important to try to help touring bands make money if you can, like legit anything. i know we’re small guys and we’re not worth much, but we travel so far from home. and this is the ONE time of year that we actually do need money to operate. i’ve run into people who don’t believe in this, or don’t understand. i guess it won’t be possible to make those people understand until it happens to them. it’s why we can only tour on vacation time and even then we deplete our funds. 

we sweat our fucking asses off playing the house because it had no AC, so nothing could feel more refreshing than loading out during a rainstorm. i wasn’t even mad that it was raining. it felt so amazing. normally i bug out during crazy storms, but the thunderstorm was lighting up the sky in an incredible display. it continued as we said our goodbyes to pulses. before they headed back to virginia late, and we made our way to sheetz for post-gig eats. i wasn’t going to pig out but i was feeling the munchies. sheetz doesn’t really have anything wawa doesn’t have except for the tacos, so i got some hard shell tacos that were absolutely banging. also wonderful, they had my favorite flavor of bon & viv (black cherry rosemary) so i grabbed that too. eating tacos and drinking late was NOT a smart move the night before we played our last show on tour, but boy did it feel like a nice TREAT after playing a fantastic show. 

[barryjaybluejeans]

The one where Barry and Taako host Things I Bought At (Fantasy) Sheetz.

@fridge246 is an amazing beta, and also brought to my attention that Sheetz doesn’t really exist outside of the eastern USA. It’s just a gas station/convenience store, with occasional designs at being a cafe.

[theme music plays]

[camera zooms out from art of TAAKO and BARRY side-by-side, with TAAKO holding a fantasy microphone]

[cut to TAAKO and BARRY sitting in what looks to be an ordinary workspace in a room with walls made of swirling black mist]

TAAKO

Live from the Raven Queen’s court in the atmospheric Ghosty-Ghost Hunter dimension, it’s Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz. It’s ch’boy and host, Taako from TV! And with me today is my special guest, Barold Bluejeans.

[TAAKO points his fantasy microphone to BARRY.]

BARRY

You can, um, just say co-host. I’m here every time, and this is my office we’re filming—

TAAKO

Greet the audience, Barry. Be professional.

BARRY

Oh, um, hey. But, I really don’t see why you can’t just say I’m—

TAAKO

[crosstalk] That’s right, m’dudes! The most popular food-review quiz show in the entire planar system, brought to you by the go-to expert on good eats—hello, it’s Taako. And also featuring the guy who will never be co-host, because he thinks grilled salmon in olive butter pairs well with chardonnay, and tried microwaving his almond milk cereal.

BARRY

One time. I did that once.

TAAKO

Once is enough. It’s a thing that I had to know about. It’s living in my brain now, forever, and you’ve cursed me with that memory, and your food sins are not forgiven. Anywho! Before we get into the whole deal, we’ve been getting some noise from, mm, let’s call them joyless haters who wanna make everyone else as miserable as them.

BARRY

That’s one way to put it, yeah. A lot of folks are confused, I guess?

TAAKO

Taako, they say. Taako, why are you—a world-renowned chef of top tier skill, who has tasted the best dishes in uhh, a hundred worlds and is still topin’ ‘em with his own delectable, fantastic food creations—why are you wasting your time with food from a fantasy gas station?

BARRY

Taako. Why are you wasting your time with food from gas station?

TAAKO

‘Cuz Taako ain’t no snob, and he can appreciate food that’s exactly what it’s tryin’ to be. Look who thinks they’re better than Fantasy Sheetz.

BARRY

There you go. So, Taako, what’re we trying today?

[TAAKO produces a Fantasy Sheetz bag, and after some digging, he pulls out a plastic-packaged snack good.]

TAAKO

Got here some uh, fantasy super donuts. Tell ‘em how the show works while I pop this thing open.

[He hands BARRY the fantasy microphone, and begins picking at the plastic.]

BARRY

You guys know the, uh, the drill. It’s Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz—Taako buys some food, and he tries it, while I figure out whether or not he likes it.

[TAAKO is having a hard time, and resorts to tugging at the package with his teeth.]

[A door creaks off camera]

KRAVITZ, OFF CAMERA

Barry, have you turned in the reports from the cult—Taako?

[TAAKO startles and smoothly throws the fantasy super donut at BARRY, trying to look nonchalant. The package hits BARRY in the face.]

TAAKO

Hey, skeleman.

KRAVITZ, OFF CAMERA

What—on, no. No, no, no, Taako, you promised me. We talked, remember?

TAAKO

Dunno whatcha mean. I just popped in for a visit with ol’ Barold, here. Y’know, chat, catch up, uhhh make sure he’s eating properly? Definitely not filming—let me check. Nope. Not filming anything.

[KRAVITZ steps into view, and sharply gestures his hand at the filming camera]

BARRY

Is that on?

KRAVITZ

We—I went over this with both of you. Both of you. You can’t put on a food show in the middle of the Astral Plane! There are rules .

TAAKO

When did you become Mister Lawful Neutral?

KRAVITZ

I obey rules!

[BARRY and TAAKO look dubious]

KRAVITZ

I—don’t bend rules without cause. Living mortals aren’t allowed to enter the Astral Plane at will, and certainly not to distract the Queen’s reapers from their work.

BARRY

I am on break, though.

TAAKO

He’s on break!

BARRY

So it’s not like he’s distracting me from anything?

KRAVITZ

Listen. There’s only so much I can do to keep you in my Queen’s good graces if you continue displeasing her. I’m only worried on your behalves.

BARRY

I mean, you’re kinda making the assumption that she would have a problem with this...

KRAVITZ

[crosstalk] Oh, oh, my mistake. I shouldn’t have jumped to the wild conclusion that she wouldn’t want her plane transformed into a recording studio.

BARRY

...and she won’t have a problem if she doesn’t know, and she won’t know unless if someone decides to narc us out.

[KRAVITZ is silent. TAAKO rests his chin on his hands and leans towards him.]

TAAKO

You can keep our little secret, can’t you, Krav?

KRAVITZ

I—well, now. Well, I will, but—

[TAAKO cheers.]

KRAVITZ

But my silence is no guarantee that she won’t know. This is her domain, and you can’t expect her not to find out. Eventually, she will. Honestly, I'm surprised she hasn’t already.

TAAKO

Pshaw, we can deal with Bird Mom.

KRAVITZ

Please, don’t call her that.

[A feather drifts down in the air by KRAVITZ’S head, seemingly from his hair.]

BARRY

Kravitz, you uh, got something.

[KRAVITZ notices the feather and stiffens. BARRY frowns. TAAKO looks mildly interested.]

BARRY

Is that…

KRAVITZ

The Queen is summoning us.

BARRY

Um, Taako…

TAAKO

No worries, my man. Just pop in to the, uh, spooky throne room, do a little schmoozing—which, no biggie. ‘Cause she loves me. She loves Kravitz. Not too sure about you, but she deffo loves Lup, so you’ve got that going for you. We’re gonna be f—

[The three vanish all together, there one moment, then gone. The feather finishes floating out of shot.]

[End theme plays and credits roll. After the credits have faded, the camera returns to the recording room, where we see TAAKO and BARRY again, BARRY now having moved to sit beside TAAKO. The entire left side of the shot is taken up by THE RAVEN QUEEN. She is magnificent, impossible, and too large to fit into the shot. We only see her torso and arms, and her XXX-L “Things I Bought At Fantasy Sheetz” shirt. In the background, KRAVTIZ is barely visible, and although blurry, he appears to have his head in his hands.]

TAAKO

Just to uhh, y’know, be clear: you cool with us doin’ this here?

THE RAVEN QUEEN

AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT INTERFERE WITH MY EMISSARIES’ DUTIES, I SEE NO REASON WHY I WOULD NOT BE COOL WITH IT. IT IS BARRY BLUEJEANS’S APPOINTED BREAK PERIOD, AFTER ALL.

BARRY

Great, then.

TAAKO

Alright, hand me that good snack, Barry, and let’s get a’tasting!

[BARRY hands him the fantasy super donut, and TAAKO finally succeeds in opening the packaging. He breaks off a chunk, pops it in his mouth, and chews. He pauses. He holds the rest of the super donut out and drops it into a trash can, then fires a magic missile at it.]

BARRY

Guess you don’t like it, then.

THE RAVEN QUEEN

INDEED.

TAAKO

It—’kay, lemme put it like this: There’s a place for corn dogs, and there’s a place cinnamon sugar—and m’dudes? Look Taako in the eyes, and listen to me right now, ‘cuz it should never be the same place at the same time, holy  shit. That’s one nasty boy.

BARRY

Nasty boy. Official rating for the fantasy super donut. That’ll do it? Um, do—oh, also thank you to her majesty for...making a special appearance, I guess.

THE RAVEN QUEEN

I AM HAPPY TO BE HERE, LITTLE ONE. YOUR PROGRAM IS MOST ENTERTAINING, AND SURELY BRINGS JOY TO ALL WHO SEE IT. IN WHATEVER WAY I MAY ASSIST IN ITS CONTINUATION, SO IT WILL BE.

TAAKO

Aw, dunk, Goddess endorsement!

[two-wheeled-therapy]

Soldiers of the Law - Memorial Ride

On the last day of April, you don’t expect the thermometer to read 38 degrees. But that’s what it was telling me as I pulled the SAC Cycle out of the shed and headed out to meet up with some folks from my Blue Knights Chapter.  Forgoing the heated gear, I just layered up on top and figured I would tuck my knees in tight behind the fairings to stay a little warm as I headed up to Leesburg to meet the crew.  Our destination today was about 160 miles away, the Pennsylvania State Police Academy which was where the Soldiers of the Law Memorial Ride was kicking off.  Arriving at the Sheetz, Kevin was already there, and I went inside to grab a cup of hot chocolate while we waited for the rest of the crew to arrive.  Once the crew (Bob, Dana, Nick, Dan, Marcie, Kevin,& Me) was assembled, we headed north.  I was glad that I did opt to add a pair of glove liners as we headed out - and the whole ride from there I was slightly chilled, but comfortable. 

Since the ride was a guided, and escorted ride, we had to get there on time, so rather than taking some of the nicer roads that run that way, we shot up 15 to 83 and into Hershey.  Stopping to top off at another Sheetz a couple of miles from the Academy, we saw some other riders who were heading the same way.  A young lady riding solo on a sparkly purple Sportster asked if she could join up with us to head over. Though we said of course she could join up with us, after talking with Bob, she headed off on her own - Bob has the effect on people sometimes :-) 

We got to the Academy without issue and got registered, enjoyed some coffee and danishes and started mingling with the other riders.  It was then that I noticed the sparkly purple Sportster lined up in front of us and told the young lady that we weren’t all like Bob.  Talking with her we learned that Heather was there in honor of her friend, Officer Alex Sable, an officer with the York City (PA) Police Department who gave his life in service while conducting SWAT Training.  We all go to these things for various reasons, some out of respect for Law Enforcement in general, and others for more personal reasons.  Heather was there for a personal reason.  I am sure Officer Sable and his family are proud and appreciate her gesture.

Personally, I go for both reasons.  On this ride, and any similar ride, I ride in honor of my brothers who in one way or another gave their lives serving their communities. For me the list is far too long: Some may not be considered “Line of Duty” deaths like my former partners Francis and PJ, and Academy classmate Glen.  Others, like Academy classmates Greg Fleenor and Jay Cullen, and shift partner Mark Cosslett, were line of duty.  One of the guys flying flags at the front of the line was carrying a thin blue line flag around and having law enforcement officers sign it.  I signed in honor of Mark, VSP 968. Why just him? Honestly as a shift partner his was the only badge number that was at the tip of my tongue, so thats what came out - In reality I rode for all of them.

Anyway . . . back to the ride.  It’s been a while since you all have heard from Timmy. But he caught Heather’s eye and introductions were made.  These are the pictures Timmy really likes, when the girls notice him instead of me pimping him out.  The timing couldn’t have been better as we were starting to get caught up in the somberness of remembrance, and the Timmy Doll story always brings a smile to anyone’s face.  I know all those I ride in honor of, would want us all to have good times, good laughs, and make new friends as we remember them. So Timmy saves the day!

The ride itself was an amazing 85 mile escorted ride through hills and small towns Pennsylvania.The fact that the police departments and Blue Knights from Pennsylvania V were able to provide escort to and keep together a group of about 450 motorcycles without a major incident was just awesome!  All too soon, we were back at the Academy where we had a nice lunch before heading out.

The weather had warmed up nicely and we agreed that we need to take a trip back up there one day to ride those roads without the 443 others.  They simply rocked!  So to end April out, I added 424 miles to the SAC Cycle, bringing us up over 107,000 miles of riding together. I did this while riding with good friends, honoring old friends and making new friends.  I’d call that a great day!

RIDE ON!

[luisneer]

selected tweets 2016-17

These are tweets from my first @luisneer twitter account. Recently I made a new twitter account with the same username, after having deleted my account and having been without twitter for several months. These tweets are from August 2016 to March 2017, which was most of my first year of college at Shepherd University, in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. I don't go to Shepherd anymore; I transferred to West Virginia University, in Morgantown, WV, after my second semester. My tweets from late March 2017 to [July or August] 2017, when I deleted my twitter, were not archived. 

I'm creating this blog post so the world will have access to some of my tweets from the deleted @luisneer, in case they have any merit as literature. I'm still not sure if I will continue to use twitter in 2018/the future. Usually when I use twitter I feel like I'm actually wanting to be doing something else, but I don't know what; or wanting to be using "another app" that doesn't exist. Twitter generally seems bad for me. Questions about my tweets August 2016-March 2017 can be directed at luisneer@gmail.com. Thank you

    2016

   morgantown has ~48 vape shops

 **morgantown has ~480 vape shops

 siri has werner herzog-like inflections

 considering changing outfits when i take several walks in one day (so nobody thinks im a serial killer, stalker, spy, alien)

 think i remember ~5% of things i said today

 imagined vague connection btwn 'vitamin d' and 'reptar'

 felt distinctly that i was a monkey or chimpanzee while crouching in the corner of my dorm room eating peanuts out of a jar

 just thought (as a request to my mom) 'fax me my skateboard...'

 looked at toilet in bathroom stall with expression of 'utter terror' for what felt like ~15 seconds while it flushed

 listening to bright eyes with headphones at house show

 feel that the toothpaste i use is advancing decay of my teeth

 feel 100% certain that i could train myself to use telepathy to operate my phone during classes

 enjoying the sensation of my right leg 'falling asleep' during psychology class (left foot is also 'asleep')

 felt 'sociopathic' after eye contact w library worker who watched me pick up & pocket a pair of apple headphones someone had left on a chair

 left stolen apple headphones on gray bench across the street from my dorm

 repeatedly placed/removed sunglasses while walking in hallway

 strong desire to remove all positive patterns from my life and perpetuate/embrace all negative ones

 feel that my laptop 'knows' which parts of its screen im looking at

 in winchester, VA

 thought of my own music as having 'no compelling audible elements'

 thought of myself as being legally named 'the fuck up', then couldnt remember my actual name

 successfully, i feel, duplicated 'sociopath facial expression' during eye contact with arch-nemesis in stairwell

 ive taken 13800mg ibuprofen since i got to college

 feel compelled to ask my 9 yr old brother for advice re 'college-level' personal issues

 feel smart after sitting on couch in painting studio + reading art magazines for 2 hours

 persistent notion that 100% of students at my college personally hate me

 psychology professor muttered something like 'scary snake... endocrine system...'

 feeling heavily drugged/sedated in psych class

 psych professor seems obsessed with/terrified by snakes

 imagined kanye smoking crystal meth and tweeting something like 'please help me... cant feel mouth... need help'

 saw a moth at open mic, thought about god

 experiencing difficulty trying to smile

 enjoying using numerous cliches ('the case is closed', 'taking a step back', 'harsh realities') in an essay

 intrigued by conversation i had 9 hrs ago w/ 2 boys who countered my tone (calm, eloquent) exactly by being loud and rude in a friendly way

 felt simultaneously really cute and really lonely while giggling with my mouth closed in french class

 imagined kanye inventing the word 'compactualize' and using it in a sentence during a televised interview

 enjoyed 8-sentence john updike bio in norton lit anthology

 perceived person standing outside bathroom stall occupied by me could 'sense', via something like echolocation, that i was/am depressed

 spoke to french professor in what felt like a distinct persona/alternate luis neer called 'marge simpson voice' luis neer

 feel confidently that the public debut of 'marge simpson voice' luis neer was a success

 feel that 'marge simpson voice' luis neer is the culmination of an unconscious process that initiated in my mind maybe 3-5 years ago

 i want to identify/analyze additional alternate luis neers

 i dont like videos

 i came to college and got weirder, better at writing, more arrogant, more defeated, more sensible

 simultaneously feel that i should run 3 miles and that, at this moment, i would be incapable of running any distance

 feel urged to draw new attention to my 'marge simpson voice' tweets

 huge power outage at shepherd lol

 realized theres no such thing as a 'nation'

 remembered ive blown off obligations to several people, not just one person, so my irresponsibility doesnt 'have a focus', felt comforted

 feel that my follower count is 'crystallized' / will never increase or decrease ever again

 struggled to convert 'stick-and-poke' to past tense during conversation in line at sheetz

 feel it would be pleasurable to take a donut + bottle of coca-cola from this sheetz via armed robbery

 crossed busy road, felt really surprised i didnt get hit by a car, also i wasnt wearing glasses, was walking to sheetz, bought an icee

 laughed alone in my dorm thinking that i should print out a picture of barack obama to put on my wall

 drank from separate glasses containing soymilk, coffee, iced coffee, apple juice, cranberry juice, water, sprite for dinner/breakfas

 just thought 'from adorno to zizek' sans context while shitting

 opened gmail, emailed my father, closed gmail, opened gmail again, viewed email to my father, forwarded it to myself

 'camcorder' would be a good band name

 i thought arnold palmer had already died

 willem dafoe doesnt make me uncomfortable

 i want to stop being mean

 i hate bfs but i want to be someones bf

 wishing i was in a car with friends and no cellular service

 tangled up in myself and others

 twin peaks is depicted as a small town but its population is greater than that of every city in west virginia including the state capital

 eating shark

 thought of my own intelligence as 'frightening'

 thought while walking to class that ginger ale should be made public domain

 had the stitches on my chin removed today, touched the scar tissue for the first time

 i miss being in therapy

 i love carpet

 i love carpet !!

 just thought about my own tweets and lol'd

 mood lately very fragile

 this is what i get for staying up til 5 am

 all night i've felt a wave of dread swelling up, now it's really hitting me

 sound of laughter in public still frightening + unnerving

 my instinct for when to unfriend people on facebook has adapted so that i unfriend people over statuses that make me feel no emotions at all

 fuck, im feeling so much terror

 gucci mane was born 3 days before conor oberst

 the other day i mentioned that i was a poet and this vape guy interrupted me to say "and you didnt know it" and i went fucking nuclear

 interacted with mailman who was picking up mail as i was trying to mail chapbooks, he didnt notice at first that i was talking to him

 what if old people have secrets

 my dad is making me root for a football team but im in pain emotionally

 i feel guilty in general

 thought of my poem "portrait of a nation without any people" as the "lead single" for my full length; it appeared in potluck 14 months ago

 im close friends with satan rn

 feel like travis scott never intended for people to spell his name with a $

 from now on every time i get honey on something ill list the thing in this thread

 finger

 desk

 coffee cup exterior

 pajama pants

 knee

 carpet

 chin

 phone

 shirt

 shoe

 thought that my elderly geography prof. moves by "shuffling"

 feeling shorter, broader

 the only part of the new bright eyes box set i want is the booklet

 is there a booklet? i know there are nvr b4 sn photos

 the song "lime tree" came to conor oberst in a dream

 i like citing things in MLA

 i write essays by pretending im werner herzog

 doesnt seem to be getting later

 lit professor gave my project (sequence of 6 sonnets) a C, i wish she would have gotten me expelled, shelley + ginsberg both were expelled

 heard someone in another room ask "where's wal-mart?" as if wal-mart were a person whose location could change

 i think i just swallowed a filling while eating popcorn, i am very scared, please help

 crazy how things get worse

 there are people on my floor having tons of fun and im upset

 bit my mattress while sitting in the chair next to my bed

 weird that chance the rapper only has 2.4 million followers when he's sort of one of the most famous artists in the world rn

 also weird that donald trump has made 34,000 tweets, seems like an incredibly large number

 the strangeness of yesterday was, for me, augmented by people on the internet talking about a tv show that ive never seen or heard about

 the sunlight is obscene

 im so upset about the sun being so bright im afraid to go outside

 im glad im the only poet who likes trailer park boys

 i slept in a blanket fort under my bed and havent left it all day

 yr = your ur = you're

 my favorite things are pdfs

 now that ive adapted my living space to allow me to never leave my blanket fort i feel like my roommate, omar, exists in a parallel universe

 i hear him but i never see him

 i love latte art, i drink many lattes

 thought that twitter "isn't worth it" in an upset tone while drinking mtn dew

 felt pleasant considering uniqueness of all parent-offspring relationships

 went through my closet + made sure all shirts and jackets were zipped/buttoned

 my blanket is generating flashes of light from static electricity

 record store guy became visibly sick of me several months ago; feel a little guilty every time i enter his store to spend money

 i prefer EPs

 felt "out of control" walking downhill listening to dead kennedys with headphones

 writing an essay is difficult because idk how much relevant information other people have already considered / moved on from

 have been wanting to write at least one poem inside my blanket fort but i don't think it's going to happen, i don't know why

 the internet isn't big enough

 usually when i think "i dont understand the uproar about [event]" i realize there is no "uproar"

 "uproar" is media's way of manipulating the public spotlight and distracting people from important tasks

 feeling helpless + melancholy after dying 15 times and killing 2 stormtroopers in star wars battlefront

 the only way to attain conor oberst-level emo hair is to lay in bed and sob for hours

 i'm sad

 my mom was confused when i told her my first book comes out today

 was luis neer in odd future

 thought "sometimes i just want to end it and start all over" in an exasperated tone re my goodreads account

 becoming increasingly convinced it would be best for me personally to take myself extremely seriously/never joke about myself

 thinking that my tweets would seem terrible if i were a senator/governor/other politician

 imagined doomsday device for future @starwars movies: the "death train," a normal train that exists in space and destroys planets

 how does anyone do it

 in science fiction movies, spacecraft usually look like shopping malls

 everyone in the world is high except me

 feel like i want to have poems published immediately

 having delusions of grandeur

 im sitting on my record player

 my most-used word in 2016 was "bleak"

 prepared and ate garbanzo beans w a lot of rosemart at 2:00 AM

 my brother has a friend over and is being mean to the friend

 all i want for christmas is to never cheer up, ever

 watching eyes wide shut and hugging duckuc

 my nose feels like it's going to bleed

 im sad because every bf looks like me

 getting better at eating ice cream by punching it with my tongue

 the internet is too freaky...

 i think 2017 will be a year of realizing things

 im watching the angry birds movie

 the angry birds movie is so shitty... why was it made...

 ive never had a new years kiss

   2017

   im weird

 eating medicinal ice cream

 im not going to do any drugs in 2017

 made a medicinal phone call

 i want to drink some blood

 i dreamed that roger ebert wrote a negative review of life after ppl and called it "liner notes"

 years dont kill people

 feel inexplicably/explicably really scared about the future of my poetry career

 i've felt stoned since i was a baby

 downloading google earth

 made eye contact in starbucks with possible luis neer incarnation from ~50 years in future; bon jovi "dead or alive" played through speakers

 realised that at some point in the future i will become extremely interested in watching football

 i recommend reading poems extremely slowly while touching the text with your middle finger/index finger

 experiencing cognitive dissonance

 used phonetic clues to correctly predict meaning of & use the word "tandem" while discoursing with myself internally

 i miss steel pedal guitar sounds on conor oberst songs

 my previous incarnation "college luis neer" has evolved to become "high school luis neer-like luis neer in college setting"

 thought "man, i got to stop caring what people think about me" in an emphatic tone that seemed confusing/interesting

 mediocore

 beyonce is cool i think

 i want to re-read "v for vendetta" and to not tweet about it

 remembered that i own a pinata

 i will be at awp

 how could i make twitter a better place

 i saw 4 people wearing yeezys in dc this weekend

 feeling increasingly self-conscious about how much i use the phrase "in the world" or refer to "the world" in poems

 felt robot-like while attaching detachable headphones cord to my headphones while wearing the headphones

 watching shepherd univ lacrosse team practice from "safety of" student center

 i invented releasing two chapbooks in one day

 im dumber than me

 reasoned mentally that im more likely to produce accurate drawings of myself because "i basically look like a bird, so i just draw a bird"

 i want to have a "fake tweet" (e.g. a simple phrase) to tweet repeatedly every time i feel urged to tweet an uninformed/unimportant opinion

 my fake tweet for the foreseeable future will be "i dropped my textbook in the stairwell". when i tweet this it means i have an opinion

 i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

 does anyone remember the chapter of "the hobbit" where bilbo avoids starvation by ingesting peanut butter, honey, cherry nyquil, and water

 sensed that all my college friends just simultaneously shifted from having vague/non-serious negative feelings about me to hating me

 resulting from continuous building of irrepressible/inevitable conjecture in the friends' conscious thoughts

 eating chicken and squash

 i click on 100% of poetry links tweeted by poets i follow

 when i was writing Waves i was obsessed with waves (e.g. energy waves, frequencies) and used the word "waves" at least ~10 times every day

 i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

 white nike swooshes on shoes of boy in library look vibrant/magical

 terrified of being cool

 walked to library really slowly while listening to noise music through big headphones

 i was really, really yung when i started publishing and i'm still really yung

 2 chainz always looks like he's walking in an airport

 i have 5 twitters

 i didnt know what bill paxton looked like, i was thinking RIP gene hackman

 why doesnt anyone blog about me

 thesis statements arent real

 thinking about my book

 i deleted both my tumblrs by accident

 sad about my tumblr

 my name is all over the internet

 im a lizard

 someday there'll be no more ppl

 a lot of conor oberst song titles have parentheses

 feeling sad about the actions of my clone, who passed away

 idk how to use venmo or what it is

 present-day tumblr is like the end of the never ending story where atreyu is talking with the rock biter and the nothing is swirling around

 when someone, anyone, is upset with me im afraid im going to be assassinated

 the views-era apple music ads that depict drake working hard in the studio have really affected and inspired me

 on tumblr i have 4 followers

 almost all of my tweets seem unimportant

 feel that if someone told me that one of my tweets made them upset i would just apologize and delete it

 ground control to commander venus

 i like my new tumblr

 i would be wearing a cardigan rn but i dont have one

 feel that i will continue to generate bright eyes-related content throughout my life

 is everything ok

 i look like michael moore

[what-marsha-eats]

THE POETRY OF PEPPERONI ROLLS

BY COURTNEY BALESTIER 

Photo from PBS’ “Somewhere South” episode “American As (Hand) Pie.” Chef and host Vivian Howard is on the left and author Courtney Balestier is on the right.

I need to tell you about pepperoni rolls. But I understand that, as a native West Virginian, I probably have enthusiasm for this dish disproportionate to your knowledge of it, so first I need to explain. 

A classic pepperoni roll, one from a place like Home Industry Bakery in Clarksburg, West Virginia, can help us  understand the Platonic ideal of the form: yeast bread dough (my grandmother used the same recipe that she used to bake her bread buns) stuffed with satisfying fistfuls of sliced pepperoni or small batons of stick pepperoni and baked. I should also be clear, though, not just about what we’re talking about, but about how we’re talking about it. 

There are words we use when we want to minimize things. We may call something simple or DIY, makeshift or humble or modest. But perhaps the word that minimizes the most, the maximal minimizer, is just. We might say “I just have a question,” or, “She’s just a stay-at-home mom,” or, “It was just a kiss.” And it was the just that was on my mind when I was thinking about this piece. Because, for all of the thinking and writing and reading and talking that I’ve done about Appalachian foodways and about this food in particular, I kept thinking about this eighteen-year-old woman I interviewed once at West Virginia University. When I asked her about this dish—something, now, that’s baked in kitchens all over West Virginia, that’s sold in cellophane-wrapped six packs in gas stations and grocery stores and dished out at little league fields—when I asked her why we care so much, her answer, basically, was that she didn’t. 

“It’s just bread, pepperoni, and cheese,” she said. Now, there is the small matter of her being right. It is just bread and pepperoni. (The cheese is contested; I’m anti, but this is a decision everyone needs to make for herself.) It wasn’t a matter of facts, the bone I had to pick with this young lady, but of interpretation. When it comes to the pepperoni roll, as with so much of the food we talk about in Appalachia, the just is the point.

The accepted origin story of the pepperoni roll begins in the 1920s with an Italian immigrant named Giuseppe Argiro in Fairmont, West Virginia. There are actually a lot of Italians (or, as they might say, I-talians) in West Virginia—so many, in fact, that for a time Italy ran a consulate office in the northern part of the state. Like so many of his countrymen, Giussepe had come to West Virginia to work in the mines. He was no longer a miner when he invented the pepperoni roll, but the problem that he was solving was a miner’s problem: the need for a hearty lunch that could sustain a man underground but that he could eat one-handed—a working lunch. Pepperoni and bread was already a popular lunch with Italian miners, and Giuseppe put them together. The pepperoni roll caught on, it grew, it became, as the kids say, a thing, and we still have it today. We have, in West Virginia, declared it our official state food. 

I continue to find this series of events amazing. Yes, the pepperoni roll is simple, but in the way that an egg looks simple or that a circle looks simple. The pepperoni roll, really, is a poem: self-contained, complete, economical in every sense of the word. And that such a simple food, such bare bones, stone soup, quick-fix food, still thrives today—in restaurants and cook-offs and home kitchens—is extraordinary. Because we glorify a lot of things in American culture, things worthy and unworthy of that attention, but we do not tend to glorify the poor, and we do not tend to glorify the working class. These are concepts very much tied, through reality and rhetoric, to Appalachia, but in general, we Americans do not tend to lavish respect on those who make something out of nothing or on the satisfying meal they’ve managed to stretch from limited ingredients. If we do, it’s usually because we figured out a way to make that meal fancier and get Millennials and food journalists (guilty on both counts) to pay for it. The American dream is about aspiration; it is not about making do. But our man Giuseppe, and the men he was cooking for, they’re about both. 

Those people all wanted better lives, they wanted good jobs, they wanted to provide for their families, but to achieve all that, they needed lunch. And so Giuseppe, he just figured out how to give it to them. 

And now we talk about it. We debate the merits of stick pepperoni versus slice. (Stick.) We talk about Italian bread, French bread, hot pepper cheese, provolone cheese, no cheese. (I’ve made my feelings clear.) We have, in West Virginia, an entire food economy built around it. My personal favorite actor in this economy, long since gone, was Ray’s Bakery, a small storefront near my childhood home. In the summer, on the way to the nerd summer camp that I went to for kids who just wanted to keep reading books, my mom would take me to Ray’s, and I would get a donut for breakfast and a pepperoni roll for lunch. We worship this odd food in West Virginia, twinned as it is to our very existence. 

There’s one more story I want to tell you. It’s about a gas station chain, called Sheetz, that operates in West Virginia, Virginia, Pennsylvania and Maryland. Sheetz sells a lot of pepperoni rolls in West Virginia, which it used to source locally from different bakeries around the state. Then, a couple years back, Sheetz decided to just switch to one central bakery—which, as it happened, was located in North Carolina. People flipped out. They took to Facebook with their anger. The local news covered it. The outcry was so instant and so full-throated that Sheetz actually backed off. It did pick a single supplier, but it was a West Virginian bakery, Home Industry. But my definition of success was not this outcome, great though it was, but a comment left on Sheetz’ Facebook page: You are taking our cultural heritage, making an inauthentic version, and selling it back to us. This is unacceptable. 

I thought about this statement a lot. Eventually, it detached itself from food and clung, in my mind, to the word extraction. I thought about all the things that word means in the place I’m from, about all the ways it can and has taken form there. About what extracting this food—just about the only truly unique, idiosyncratic West Virginian food—and reproducing it to West Virginians from the outside, what that can represent to people. What it represented to me. 

And then, this simple food became a symbol of something much bigger, especially, for me, at this moment in the region’s history and in my history with it. It became a thing that we were ready to stand up for, to fight for. It became something that acknowledged our heritage—without extraction, no pepperoni roll—but that also demanded the right to our own agency in telling that story. It demanded authorship over the chapters of the story yet to be written. It is, perhaps, a lot of pressure to put on a piece of bread, but I choose to believe it can support the weight. 

Of course, you probably didn’t hear about any of this. The pepperoni roll, it doesn’t really travel. Most people outside the state don’t know about it. Someone from my hometown married a woman from Memphis who volunteered to make these pepperoni rolls he kept talking about: She bought a huge stick of pepperoni, wrapped it in bread dough and baked what I imagine is the densest pepperoni roll ever pulled from an oven. People have apparently left the state and opened pepperoni roll bakeries elsewhere, but they’ve tanked. It doesn’t translate. 

And on this point, I do have to hand it to the young lady who started us off, Ms. Just Bread, Pepperoni and (maybe) Cheese. Because part of the reason is that the pepperoni roll is too “just.” It is so simple that it’s actually a bit confusing. Anyone who hasn’t grown up with it would surely wonder, Well, why can’t I get a sandwich? Why can’t I get a slice of pizza? Isn’t this just a lesser version of both of those things? And, in a sense, that person would have a point. I would struggle to explain it to her, this indivisible kernel that is always is at the core of our relationship with food. 

 I am a West Virginian, but, by fluke of geography and lineage, I am the only West Virginian in my family. My family comes from Appalachia—my grandmother grew up in a coal camp in southwestern Pennsylvania—but I did not grow up in its vernacular of greasy beans and leather britches and cornbread. Which means that, sometimes, I feel as if I snuck into this idea of Appalachia through an open window. But the pepperoni roll. My grandmother made them for me, my mother bought them for me. They’re mine. 

How does a piece of bread and a stick of meat communicate that message? I have a lot of love for food’s ability for metaphor, but they can’t. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Anyone who does not have the same history of a West Virginian—that same spiritual topography that informs a decision as ridiculous and as vital as a food that we grow up eating and then choose to keep eating—would ultimately come to a place, like a secret door, that they don’t even know to understand. What worried me about that young woman at WVU was the fear that we didn’t even understand, that we didn’t respect it. But those words, this is unacceptable. Yes, we do. And honestly, when I was eighteen, I didn’t care, either.

[flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash]

America, Australia, North Italy

America:What is your favourite place to eat?

Hmm...I have quite a few restaurants that I enjoy...I’m not sure if I have a legit favourite. There’s a fabulous ethiopian place in the city I love...some great sushi places...god, I couldn’t pick just one. 

And this is gonna sound corny, but I reallllllly appreciate Sheetz, now that I live in an area that doesn’t have it and only has Wawa. This is such an East Coast thing, so most ppl probably would have no idea what I’m talking about, but I have been known to drive an hour and a half just for a Sheetz MTO hoagie and iced tea. 

Australia: Do you have any quirks when speaking?

I very well might have some that I’m unaware of lol. I’ve been told by multiple people that I have really expressive eyebrows, and expressive features in general. Apparently I also do a single eyebrow raise without realizing it. I tend to do it in session whenever I feel like a client is lying or trying to feed me bullshit. I just had a client the other day that I did it to, and she went, “Don’t you dare give me that raised brow, Miss Reynolds!” XD 

North Italy: What is your least favourite part of your personality?

Hmm...

I guess I could go with the fact that I take a while to open up and show my true personality in new situations or with new people. But then when I do open up, I’m incredibly assertive, and it throws people off. Example: when I started my current job, I don’t think I talked to much of anyone for the first 6 months I was there, except my supervisor who I had known before I was hired. But then, after I got comfortable, I flipped the switch and began to show my real personality to people, and my colleagues were shocked because how I really act when I’m comfortable is totally different than how I am when I’m still feeling out a situation/person and adjusting to it/them. 

I think I act really reserved at first because I’m afraid to show people my true self, because I know that I come across as having a very strong personality, and a lot of people don’t appreciate that. Men especially tend to not appreciate it or call me “intimidating”, because I check them and their privilege with no hesitation once I’m comfortable in an environment. But I’m getting better with not always being so hesitant or afraid to open up, and having less fucks to give about if people can handle my assertiveness or not, and I only see myself getting better with that more over time. Hopefully.

Also, I am hella awkward in social settings, and especially despise group settings, unless I know all the people present really well. Much as I love individual and couples therapy, I despise group therapy. And I can’t give presentations to save my life. I’ve been told I’m not bad at them, but I couldn’t tell you if that’s the truth or not, because I totally black out and don’t remember anything that happened when it’s over. There’s just something about a room full of people all looking at me while I’m expecting to talk that really freaks me out. 

Wow, that got long XD

[littleblondesoprano]

Dear Best Friend, . . .

Oh gosh, I have a few best friends!! 

Dear Best Friend A, 

I miss you so, so much! We talk on Facetime and it’s wonderful, but I miss our days spent hanging out together, or laughing and talking about how horrible the NSLS meetings are, or how pointless the videos were. We connect on a different level, like we’re on the same wavelength–almost like we’re kindred souls! You know me inside and out, I swear you’re a psychic by the way you know what I’m going to say or do. Isn’t it hilarious that we met by your Resident Evil shirt? XD I can’t wait to get your card in (or for you to visit during Parent’s Weekend XD), and when I look back at my pictures on my phone, I knew there would be no one else better to take to Disney than you! If and when I make it to NYC, I’ll have a room all ready for you for when you come visit!!! 

I love you, girl!!

Love, Jordan. (@danclarkeurbobbies)

(P.S. I am so throwing you a Bachlorette party when you and Hunter get married!)

Dear Best Friend B, 

HOly fuck, oh my god. I am so bad at texting and I am so sorry. I love you the same! I cherished our times at Starbucks, talking about stories and ideas until the sun disappeared (or hung low), or visiting the mall and shopping our hearts out! Philosophy class–and JCC–wouldn’t have been the same without you, and neither would my life! (Especially at Sheetz, I’ll forever get a bucket of tatter tots and a pocket of hashbrowns–hehe!) I worry about you sometimes, just because I know you and I know you’re worrying, but, then I remember everything you’ve gone through, and the type of person you are, and I know you’re gonna be just fine. Just say a big: “FUCK YOU” to anything in your way (including your sixty-draft story that I will see on shelves one day). Honestly, you and A still need to meet up somewhere and I’m determined to make it happen; maybe at a gem show or something! I am very, very excited to see where you go in life, and it will be far, and to see what stories flow from your mind to the page–because they will be beautiful, in every type and way. 

Don’t worry too much, worrying does nothing, you’ve got this! 

Love, Jordan. (@fang-and-fin)

Dear Best Friend C, 

Oh my gosh, it’s been far too long! FAR too long! Either you or me will be the one to disappear for a week or so at a time! But, my goodness, whenever I see you online or writing, it makes me excited and happy! (Like a golden retriever when they see their owner and their tail hits the ground really really fast!) I miss writing with you, our characters clicked in a strange kind of way, but it was beautiful, and fluid, genuine and healthy (most of the time anyway). Your characters, and your personality, always makes me laugh and brings a touch of joy to my day! We’re both really busy, and I hate it, because I want to write and talk with you again–and we’ll make it happen–but we’ll find a time! I hope you’re feeling okay, my friend, and that your day, much like yourself, is wonderful! 

(P.S. Alex/Christine 5ever) 

Love, Jordan. (@awalnutchicken)

[targetdummy]

I’m not interesting, but I was tagged by @givemebishies to answer some stuff about. These probably won’t be that cool or interesting for anyone else to read, but here we go!

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi. It’s sweeter, and you’re supposed to sip soda rather than drinking it like water. Plus, MJ still forgave them after they caught his hair on fire, started his painkiller addiction, and dropped him as a promoter because of the child abuse allegations, so I imagine he at least liked to drink it.

2. Disney or Dreamworks: Disney generally. I’m not a big fan of either one, but I think Disney has made more important things in their time. Kind of unfair since they’ve been around longer, but whatever.

3. Coffee or Tea: Cappuccino. And even then I don’t want to taste the coffee in it.

4. Books or Movies: I watch more movies, but I think more books have had a serious impact on my life. I don’t know though, Rocky is a freaking masterpiece.

5. Windows or Mac: What? Where is my GNU/Linux option? Richard Stallman didn’t die for this! [For real though, I use Windows because I’m peasant trash who likes to play video games without spending hours on configuration. Though, I am considering dual-booting with Linux Mint in the near future. We’ll see. And Stallman isn’t dead, that was a joke.]

6. DC or Marvel: Marvel. Gotta have my Spider-Man and X-Men. The Avengers are also much more varied and interesting than the Justice League.

7. Xbox or Playstation: Playstation all the way. I can’t even name an Xbox exclusive offhand other than Halo or Gears of War. Playstation has a more interesting history too.

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: A friend of mine kept telling me to play both, but stressed Dragon Age more. I have played neither.

9. Night Owl or Early Rise: Night owl. I feel and work better at night. I like knowing the rest of the world is asleep.

10. Cards or Chess: Cards because they are an unlimited number of games! (So is Chess technically, but I like that with cards you can more easily have a random aspect if you want).

11. Chocolate or Vanilla: Are we talking ice cream? Vanilla. Are we talking brownies? Chocolate. Are we talking anything else? I don’t know.

12. Vans or Converse: I buy the cheapest shoe that feels comfortable and doesn’t make me hate myself when I wear them. I’ve never owned either of those.

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: I’m sorry, I’m only a level 2 mage, I don’t know those ones yet.

14. Fluff or Angst: both I guess? I’m an angst lookin’ to get his fluff on.

15. Beach or Forest: Beach beach beach. I need to be warm and surrounded by water.

16. Dogs or Cats: I like cats and dogs that act like cats.

17. Clear Skies or Rain: Rain all the way. Rain for days. Clear skies are boring and make me sad. They don’t even move. I can feel rain. It surrounds me and makes me feel loved. Warm rain especially, or cool rain on a warm day.

18. Cooking or Eating Out:  I prefer eating out in both senses of the term. But for real, I love restaurants. I love the feeling of being in one, and knowing that my food is being handled by someone who knows how to make it well. Then to just have it brought to me, it’s awesome. Like, I didn’t make this. I don’t deserve this. But you’re giving me this, just for some paper. It’s just so comforting. Oh, and takeout is awesome too, because it’s that experience, but with more control and less atmosphere. All of it makes me so happy, honestly, I can’t understate how awesome it is to pickup food from somewhere awesome. Shout out to my people at El Canelo, that’s the place I dream of when I’m hungry. Any Chinese/Japanese is great too. Then fast food, Sheetz and Chick-Fil-A especially can be great. All of it, man. I’m sorry, I wrote too much for this.

19. Spicy Food or Mild Food: Spicy! Specifically, spicy and sweet. It’s all a part of the experience!

20. Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: Halloween is cooler theme-wise. Japanese Christmas though 💕

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot : Yeah, I guess a little too cold, because I love the sensation of getting warm.

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Phew, does what Dr. Manhattan have count? You know, just be god. Nah, I wouldn’t want that, that’s too much. Controlling time would be cool. Would probably be depressing in reality, but cool in theory.

23. Animation or Live Action: This really depends on the work.

24. Paragon or Renegade: I have no idea what this is referencing. But Renegade is a 1986 beat ‘em up game that I really like for one reason: it’s the start of the Kunio-Kun series that would eventually lead to Downtown Nekketsu Monogatari, or River City Ransom. Renegade isn’t amazing on its own, but really cool to see where RCR got its origin.

25. Baths or Showers: Showers usually.

26. Team Cap or Team Iron Man: Haven’t watched Civil War yet, but Iron Man.

27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi: Sci-Fi usually feels bigger than Fantasy and can include Fantasy elements without much of an issue (infinite universe, infinite possibilities), so I’ll go with it.

28. Do you have three or four favourite quotes?

Okay, these might get lengthy, so here we go:

1. (Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid 2)

“Life isn't just about passing on your genes. We can leave behind much more than just DNA. Through speech, music, literature and movies... what we've seen, heard, felt... anger, joy and sorrow... these are the things I will pass on. That's what I live for. We need to pass the torch, and let our children read our messy and sad history by its light. We have all the magic of the digital age to do that with. The human race will probably come to an end some time, and new species may rule over this planet. Earth may not be forever, but we still have the responsibility to leave what traces of life we can. Building the future and keeping the past alive are one and the same thing. “

2. (Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen)

“Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.”

3. (Shigeru Miyamoto)

“A delayed game is eventually good, but a rushed game is forever bad.“

And there’s a lot more but I’m bad at remembering them.

29. YouTube or Netflix: YouTube, I watch it way more than Netflix. I like all the different voices on YouTube, how accessible it is.

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Isn’t Harry Potter a My Immortal fanfic? I go with that one. Also, nobody will even remember Percy Jackson in ten years.

31. When You Feel Accomplished: When I’ve created something that people enjoy, and when I fulfill the needs of those I love. I haven’t been doing enough of either lately :/

32. Star Wars or Star Trek: I accept that Star Trek is superior in every way, however I will always defend Star Wars as my personal favorite.

33. Paperback Books or Hardback Books: Hardback. I am less likely to ruin it, and it looks nicer on a shelf.

34. horror or rom-com: I’m not a fan of either, but I like horror elements in other things.

35. tv shows or movies: TV shows. Individual stories that build to an overall story arc will always have more depth than a single movie. That’s why Samurai Jack is more compelling than any of the samurai movies it draws inspiration from.

36. favorite animal: Tiger.

37. favorite genre of music: Funk and its derivatives.

38. least favorite book: The Old Man and the Sea. I like Hemmingway, but it’s a book where nothing happens, the most exciting part is when he says the ocean is a women having her period, and the ending feels like actually watching an old man die. He doesn’t die in the book, that’s just how it feels.

39. favourite season: Summer. As hot as possible.

40. song that’s currently stuck in your head: ME NE’ER HA ME GUN SO ME HA TA MOO SHARP LI ME KNIFE

41. what kind of pyjama’s do you wear? Pajama pants and a t-shirt. I wear this all day when possible.

42. Handwriting or Typing? Typing. Gotta go fast. And I can’t compile my code from a piece of paper.

43. If you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be? The Real Folk Blues.

44. What is your go to book/movie/tv show that you immediately find solace in when you feel down? Okay, I don’t know about books, movies, or TV shows, but I always find solace in any YouTube show that can make me feel less alone. It doesn’t have to be funny or interesting, I just have to feel like people are around me, talking, and being happy. Game Grumps works well for this, or most podcasts.

45. “Yer a wizard/witch, Y/N” - your reaction? I know. I didn’t learn to code just to not be a wizard.

46. Are you generally a messy or organized person? I’m an organized person who appears messy. It’s like a hashing algorithm. There is some initial data behind it, but you can’t make sense of the result, and there’s no way to reverse it.

47. What’s your go to comfort food? Anything fried. Especially fries. It just feels so familiar, so welcoming, like it can never be bad. Especially with good sauces, sweet and sour most of all probably.

48. Do you enjoy being creative? If so what’s your favorite way to create? I do. I’m not sure what my favorite way is. Writing is easiest, but making games and web stuff is so rewarding. I need to do more either way.

My question:

49: Other than Tumblr, what is your favorite website?

I have no friends to tag :D (But if you see this and nobody tagged you to do it, you can totally say I tagged you and do it anyway. I’ll vouch for you.)

[pisati]

I feel like I want to write something, but I don’t know what.

my thoughts always stray back to that one year, and those few years that followed, but not out of any kind of longing anymore. it was a lot that happened that was entirely new to me. there’s been so much nothing lately. and my tendency for the last few years to think back on the few good things had me replaying them over and over. it seems kind of hashed out at this point. what good does it do me to remember?

I barely remember it, at that. I barely remember yesterday. the only thing keeping my memory of 5 or so years ago fresh is timehop. I don’t even remember tweeting half the shit I tweeted last year. maybe since I’ve spent the last few years re-reading everything from years previous, that’s slightly more ingrained. most of each day going by is complaining about school work, trying to let out my thoughts on my metaphysics assignments so I could work through them (since I had nobody to talk to about it). the few tweets alluding to things that happened. I’m about to come up on 5 years since T and I were anything. timehop reminded me that this time two years ago he’d called me in an effort to stay more connected to his friends, and I was gutted to realize that I’d made his contact picture the picture of us at point state park, sitting on the edge of the fountain. charlotte had taken the picture; both of us blinded by the sunlight and the wind whipping my hair back across his face. I didn’t like the picture itself much but I looked so goddamn happy; of course I kept it. I had no recollection of even setting it as his contact photo, though, and I probably wouldn’t have remembered anyway, since what conversations we did have anymore were mostly through facebook messenger. but then he called. 

I’m a little embarrassed now, thinking back. feeling so strongly over something that only lasted, what, 5 or so weeks? we hardly knew each other. we wouldn’t have worked out anyway. I spent so long in such a melancholy over him. I guess it’s just like that when it’s the first time anyone genuinely seems to give a shit about you. I really wasn’t keen on letting it go. going back to this. what has been this for the last 5 years. 5 years now. geez.

maybe a little bit of a weird analogy, but there’s that scene in that one old episode of spongebob where squidward travels forwards and backwards in time and when he tries to escape he breaks the time machine; things get real noisy and weird for a few seconds before it all disappears and goes silent. and there’s nothing. that’s kind of what this contrast feels like. so much, then nothing. it can feel like a relief at times, but at others the silence is deafening. the aloneness is so intensely magnified in it. where’s the time machine? where’s anything? where, where, where?

I do almost miss that filthy little house on 10th street. I had bought slippers with puppy heads on the fronts to wear around the house because I would have wanted to chop my own feet off touching those floors in bare feet. the day I moved in was the first time I saw it, and I cried, ha. I did what I could with it. I had moved in two days before my 19th birthday. I was so anxious I made myself sick from not eating. my one housemate was kind enough to take me to the store to get light foods I could eat, plus ginger ale. I could barely walk, I remember. we may have taken a walk on my birthday, and I felt so weak. once I got my room settled, though, it started to feel better. I remember everything still being a mess; I had hardly had the energy to put clothes away, and I had to go buy light-blocking curtains from walmart because the streetlight outside my window made my bedroom glow orange at night. but I remember curling up in bed next to my overflowing nightstand, and pulling out my copy of The Book Thief. I laid there and read and read. I latched on to the main character, seeing her through new eyes. she was so strong through so much adversity, at such a young age. she was frightened too. imagine having your whole world upended like that. that’s kind of what it felt like to me, anyway. she could do it. I could be like her.

that bed was fucking awful. we could only have furniture that our landlord provided, and it was all old, shitty furniture from god only knew where. my twin bedframe was low to the ground, I had I think a boxspring and a mattress, and it was so noisy. every time I moved it creaked. mom didn’t feel like buying me a new bed set either, so I had to make do with my XL twin set from my dorm. every few weeks I’d have to take everything off my bed and re-position the fitted sheet. I had so many goddamn pillows, but it wasn’t too big a deal, since up until the end of march I was the only one in my bed. the house was designed so poorly too. sometimes I ended up using the toilet with one foot up on the bathtub, because it was so tiny that I couldn’t sit comfortably without hitting my knees or sitting at an angle. I learned to appreciate the spiders that made their webs in the corners above the tub. sometimes it smelled like cigarettes; probably because kids would smoke behind our house and my roommate would turn the fan on when he showered. I swear the kitchen floor was at an angle. the time the construction workers tore out our front stoop with no warning and we had to start using the side door that we shared with the driveway for the pizza place next door; I remember being afraid I’d forget the step down and fall on one of the delivery cars. we didn’t know when trash day was so we’d just put our trash in the pizza place’s dumpster. I’m sure we weren’t supposed to, but nobody said anything.

so many good small-town memories. just nice things to look back on, you know? so sometimes it’s nice to just sit in it. remember the uncomfortable heat. the smell of the shampoo and conditioner that came in those huge pump bottles. the apple cinnamon glade candles I used to make my room smell less like the rest of the dirty old house; that very distinct smell. how the walk to my nearest class was literally across the street, rather than 20 minutes. the walk down to carriage house at three in the morning; looking up and seeing the moon; feeling like we shared some late-night secret. drunk sheetz, hot chocolate and everything bagels from the starbucks at folger hall. so many hours in rehearsal; the echoes in the stairwell down to the bass/cello storage room. commonplace. midnight jesus cakes. the feeling of pure joy I got from knowing my professors genuinely enjoyed teaching me and that I genuinely enjoyed learning from them; how they pushed me to reach higher, even if it was away from them. how my orchestra professors were sad I was leaving; I was such a mediocre cellist but they just enjoyed having a non-major so invested in it. I can’t even describe the feeling I got when I visited my old philosophy department the fall after I graduated from UMD, and my first philosophy professor remembered me and was so thrilled that I got such a good education at the school where he got his PhD. he knew I was going to do well there; he wrote my letter of recommendation that I’m sure got me accepted. he even stopped the department director in the hall, and she remembered me too, even though she’d only taught one of my classes for half the semester, covering for my professor who’d had surgery. she knew I’d wanted to transfer, but put in the paperwork for my philosophy minor anyway. I was happy that she seemed genuinely happy to hear I’d done so well too. I couldn’t even believe she remembered me. 

things are really different on campus now; they’ve torn down some old buildings that I’d had classes in and built new ones. the philosophy department is in one of the new buildings; it used to be in the administration building, and I’d tutored symbolic logic there. one day I think I was waiting in an office for anyone from my class to show up and I heard cello music coming from downstairs; there’s a recital hall in that building as well, and I knew I recognized my orchestra’s first-chair cellist practicing. I remember sitting there, smiling to myself, thinking good on you, Steve, it sounds great. that was the building I got my acceptance letter in. standing in one of the side hallways, they called each of our names and handed us envelopes with our decisions in them. it’s a very unique acceptance program; the only university I know of where you can do very early admissions, like, early October, when typical early acceptances don’t start going out until late winter or early spring, if you bring all your physical application materials to campus and they tour you around while your application gets reviewed. I remember being nervous to open my letter, even though I didn’t have a doubt I’d get in. mom started crying as soon as she saw me smile; I think it was more my baby got into college than oh thank god, at least my dumbass kid can get in somewhere, ha. I was just relieved it was over and done with. I still have my letter, I think. dated October 10th, 2011. it congratulates me on my acceptance into the school of health and human services with the intention to study interior design. how far we’ve come, hm?

these things, I remember. I’m not sure how that works. my long-term memory is better, I think. sometimes. maybe it’s because I made those memories before things got bad. they were formed properly. stored properly. at least, more so than now. I remember the topics of my midterm and final thesis papers in both philosophy of language and metaphysics, 6 and 5 years ago, respectively, but hell if I can remember anything I did three days ago.

I guess it’s time to sleep, though. I took a little nap earlier which was a mistake, so now I’m up at 5am. such is life. 

[titheguerrero]

More Than Just Dander

First, a sort of meta-comment in the form of a shout-out to HCRenewal's intrepid editor, Dr. Roy Poses, for his just-published analysis of what we might call "blogging: rise and fall." He sees decline reflected in publications long  devoted to health and health policy, yet now flaking off. Methinks, however, despite the usefulness of his overview of recent decades, Dr. P need not fret excessively. Water spilling out of the barrel's lip will slow down once folks come along and punch a whole bunch of little mid-section tweet-holes in it. Information still flows. (Sort of.)  In any case, surely there's overlap between blogs' and tweets' readerships. Surely well-researched and -reasoned long form still has its place. Unfortunately, hard to know for sure: it's hard to measure. Nobody's polling these folks and to my knowledge information scientists haven't published much--a quick search inside Google Scholar bears this out--that's of a quantitative nature. So we're left with admittedly rather unsatisfactory anecdotal reports on people who need blogs like ours and find their way to it. Congressional staffers you know who you are. Rightly or wrongly, I'm hopeful. Maybe we shade this a little by the suspicion that many younger social media users share with me a short attention span. Hence they come to rely more and more on quick hits. In any case, let's hope this is evolution and diversification, not just entropy and a race to the bottom. Now to my theme of the day. Yet again the dander hath risen for I've lost count how many times around what ails our health delivery systems. And so is my lunch: the gorge, too, hath risen. The miscreants' very relentlessness is nauseating. More, then, on two of them that keep cropping up here like those small burrowing insectivores in this tedious yet oddly riveting game of Whack-A-Mole. A. Chicanery at the VA: looking back and looking forward. On balance, and despite its many flaws, VA health's operation in all its enormity is not itself a miscreant. Different story for those folks trying to destroy it from within, on the dubious premise that lest we privatize it it's irredeemable. Search this blog on "VA Cetona" for detail on such matters. Why does this even happen? We've described the VA's Shadow Rulers (search here on that as well) in these pages. The SR's fall in the 0.1%. Why do they need or want the headache of trying, in what's fated to be a futile effort, to upend and hollow out the health lifeline extended for nearly a century to patriots returning from the military? When the left gets power it tries to expand and improve government. (Of course the efforts can unfortunately go awry, viz. Hillarycare in the 1990s, and cast shade on future attempts.) When the right gets power, at least in the two generations since an actor became president in 1980, government is seen as "not the solution but the problem." The response may be to try to rejigger and downsize. "Drown the baby in the bath." Or, perhaps far more likely, something else now happening in the VA and throughout the Trump kakistocracy. Namely, don't seize power to return it to the people. Seize it in order to use it in a third-dimensional play to drain resources. As for the first two dimensions, don't even try to improve--David Shulkin's mistake (see below)--or eliminate (despite Mick Mulvaney's baby drowning proclivities, hugely unpopular) care provided by the VA. Not when there's a third way: divert those resources. In fact, from the earliest instances of frontier exploitation to the newest frontier we have--our heretofore private personal information--despoliation has been the watchword, the core motive, the secret sauce: don't ameliorate. Don't eliminate. (Honestly: viz., Shrub's expansion of guvmint.) Despoliate. It is, as Shrub used to say (maybe), one of our country's most basic pieces of strategery. Such a strategy was discussed (and surely it's as old as the hills) by Times tech reporter Steve Lohr in a recent piece on, of all things, artificial intelligence. ("Elixir of prosperity [or] job killer"?) Lohr makes clear that what's old is new again, linking the asset of private data to all the other assets that've been strip-mined. "In the American model," notes Lohr, "coming from Silicon Valley in California, a handful of Internet companies become big winners and society is treated as a data-generating resource to be strip mined." As Buffy the Vampire Slayer once said, "can you spell 'duh'?" Strip mining started with the earliest settlers, and now ... data, the final frontier. Same deal, though. The American model, and economic maldistribution, and so much of our plight is bound up with this baked-in trait, which seems to've seeped into society's DNA. Or else originated there. Find a mine. Strip it. Let others pick up the pieces. But let's go back to that last credible VA Secretary. How do we know that Shulkin pissed off the strip-miners? Why, just read what he himself wrote in a scholarly publication just a few months ago in the prestigious New England Journal. In a piece entitled "why the VA needs more competition," he and closely-associated Michigan colleague Kyle Sheetz first declared, unequivocally and repetitiously, competition: good!!! Emphasis in the original through repetition. Clever. After reassuring their audience how much they liked competition they let the cat out of the bag in the final paragraph of a long-ish article: "Privatizing the VA by offering unregulated access to private-sector providers is probably not feasible, necessary, or the best way to care for veterans." That's exactly what the quietly-undermining, unelected Trumpsters pushing for strip-mining veterans' health care didn't want to hear. We know (see below) how that came out. Similar in emphasis is a piece just out (January 2019) in the equally prestigious Annals of Internal Medicine, by (no pun intended) veteran federal health official Carolyn Clancy and her own VA/AHRQ colleagues. I'm perplexed at the way Clancy herself has hung in there (and yet she persisted) at the federal agencies to which she's contributed greatly over recent decades. I'm perplexed about how, within these agencies,she's been bounced around, most recently landing as the VA's "Deputy Under Secretary for Discovery, Education and Affiliate Networks." (That top's spinning so fast what I just wrote may already be superannuated news.) In any case Clancy et al. put their shoulders to Shulkin's wheel extolling the May 2018 federal MISSION legislation streamlining VA and non-VA care, and the ostensible role their new Center for Innovation might play in such an effort. They pointed out all the right innovation-cum-research caveats about the need for adequate data: "paying for value could backfire without accurate measurement of costs and outcomes." In this case they were certainly correct: privatizers in this particular world aren't interested in evidence-based anything. They're profiteers. (See: "Department of Education." See: "Department of the Interior." See: Environmental Protection Agency.) Shulkin's words saw the light of day about a month after the MISSION legislation, in the final days of June, 2018. But here's why I put Shulkin having "liked competition" in the past tense. By the time his NEJM piece appeared Shulkin, also accused of what I still deem to've been truly flimsy ethics violations, was already gone from his organization. By the end of March the Orange Man had already fired him. As a personal fiasco this was unseemly, since the VA secretary was a rare bird who both consented to be a hold-over from early administrations, yet managed early on to be a current POTUS favorite. Surprising? In this White House? In none of these events was there ever put forward any really compelling justification either for privatizing VA care or for starting with the assumptions that outside "leaders" and outside doctors could do a better job than--what with all their flaws--VA medical staff. Suzanne Gordon, a distinguished journalist and author, admittedly parti pris as a fellow of the Oakland-based 501(c)3 Veterans Healthcare Policy Institute, has just published an American Prospect piece on "Trump’s under-the-radar push to dismantle veterans' health care." Her central thesis is worth quoting in extenso.

[The Republican] strategy will not only erase what has been the most successful American experiment in government-delivered health care, but will also send veterans out into a private system that is more expensive, less accountable, and unable to meet their particular needs. The key notion underpinning the Mission Act, that the private sector can offer comparable care to the VHA, is deeply flawed. Study after study (after study) has found that the VHA generally outperforms the private sector on key quality metrics, and that private providers are woefully unprepared to treat the often unique and difficult veteran patient population. The most recent evidence came in a Dartmouth College study published in December, which compared performance between VHA and private hospitals in 121 regions across the country. The results: In 14 out of 15 measures, government care fared “significantly better” than private hospitals.

Gordon also has a new book out on this subject, as most supporters of the traditional VA system already know. Worth a look. Meanwhile the Senate and White House and those advising them clearly never really cared about quaint ideas such as "studies," "evidence," or "data." They cherry-pick a few quotes about the brusqueness of some VA care, which often is admittedly more bureaucratic than today's "consumer-facing" and endlessly-polling private-care organizations. You can find those quotes as well as I can--any search engine known to man will do the trick. Recent events on the larger political canvas make it abundantly clear, in the meantime. It's not about quality. It never was. It's about callously starting with a dismissive attitude toward government workers, then back-solving from there. Having worked for years at the VA, I can vouch for its quality as well as its struggle to assist the really needy patients who depend upon it. In fact, this new study shows quite rigorously that the VA was already dramatically reducing wait-times within multiple VA installations, right down to private-sector levels. So this branch of government has listened and successfully striven to achieve a performance level that's not just high-science but also high-touch, as medicine's "customers" (yechhh) have come to expect. The present furlough of federal employees proves the point. If you can dismiss someone as human collateral-damage, you don't start first by examining the good things they've done for you. You're an elephant poacher. Take the spoils and leave the carcass to rot. B. More on the Opiate Eaters Who Eat Very Well. Speaking of despoliators, Dr. Poses and I both wrote here recently on how, in the world of dangerous narcotics, this single family of mostly physicians, the Sacklers, garnered a much more grand market share than they like to let on. Time to add to that and earlier reporting with a few updates. When, in a different venue than the VA I was providing front line medical care to privately-insured patients, I noticed an arresting change. I saw more and more folks arrive in my office in shop-till-you-drop mode seeing opiate renewals. Always OxyContin, Percocet or Vicodin. If I didn't provide the "fill" they'd go next door. The demand built and built. The drug makers kept assuring they were safe and effective. At free dinners they paid an army of fellow physicians to regale us with the same message. Then those patients started to die on me. OD courtesy of "safe" Purdue (and others') product. Then in the past very few years, and I honestly should've seen it coming but didn't, the crisis spilled over from doctors' exam rooms into the political arena. It's actually something, unlike the VA, that's garnering a certain timid degree of nonpartisan interest in finding practical solutions, call it consensus even, starting with decriminalizing measures. But I find it gorge-raising to see the usual suspects continuously fighting the notion that as a society, we blew it with opiates. We blew it. With their help. I've spent a fair amount of time looking at similar medico-legal crises, including the far-reaching tobacco and environmental lead poisoning matters, as well as narrower ones such as evolving surgical and pharmacological approaches to certain diseases. In every case our tort system, combined with the deep pockets of those who are (allegedly) truly guilty, conspire to perpetuate Bleak House-style court battles over culpability. Strip miners seem to believe--or want us to swallow whole the absurdist notion--that they leave the world a better place. In the case of Purdue, this false consciousness is undoubtedly propped up by the Sacklers' prowess as culturati: one can hardly turn around, as I recently did at the Met in New York, without finding their name plastered on this gallery or that institution of higher learning. But the motive, be it within the strip miners' organization or that of a cultural organization, comes down to the same thing: "we need the money." Allegedly. Recent disclosures from "sources," including internal Purdue emails, clarify all this. Fortunately for us it turns out the founder's (Raymond's) son Richard was an early adopter--relatively so--of email. Both were physicians, but Richard was of the first generation to be granted an American MD. Email was barely used at all in 1995 when Microsoft first added a TCP/IP stack to its operating system, with the introduction of Windows 95. Then email really took off, by 2001 having a fair amount of penetration in the business world. So maybe we shouldn't be so surprised that Purdue Pharma was squirreling away some of Richard's pronouncements in an archival time capsule for our delectation nearly a generation later. According to a new court filing recently revealed in the NY Times, Richard Sackler said some, um, fairly incriminating things to say in these internal emails. Still earning his spurs as head of daddy's (and Uncle Mortimer's) company after a couple of years or so in the saddle, and undoubtedly aware of the dramatic uptick in addiction issues that I saw in my own clinic in those turn-of-the-century years, he allegedly blasted everyone else in sight--except, of course, his own ever-so-cultured family. "[T]he launch of OxyContin tablets will be followed by a blizzard of prescriptions that will bury the competition. The prescription blizzard will be so deep, dense, and white...." said Sackler fils. Based on no evidence reps were told to claim a “less than one percent" risk of addiction. As for that small subset of patients who did find themselves hopelessly addicted, the claim was to be made that “We have to hammer on abusers in every way possible.... They are the culprits and the problem. They are reckless criminals.” Now, hot off the press in 2019, the Guardian reports how this overall attitude has been replicated within the lobbyist-influenced government of Messrs. Trump and Azar. Since 2015 (pre-Trump! pre-Azar!) chair of the FDA's own Anesthetic and Analgesic Drug Products Advisory Committee, Kentucky anesthesiology professor Raeford Brown has bravely characterized the rift that now mires down the FDA in tackling this crisis seriously. Admittedly with cover from many in Congress, Brown said this to interviewers.

I think that the FDA has learned nothing. The modus operandi of the agency is that they talk a good game and then nothing happens. Working directly with the agency for the last five years, as I sit and listen to them in meetings, all I can think about is the clock ticking and how many people are dying every moment that they’re not doing anything. The lack of insight that continues to be exhibited by the agency is in many ways a willful blindness that borders on the criminal.

Scott Gottlieb, who's tying your hands? Is it this guy? The FDA seems to be replete with such interlocking-directorate staff, all trying to assure  the "level playing field." And what is that playing field? Who are the players? We can answer this. Talk to the drug reps (I have). Except of course those who wake up and see what they're really doing, burn out and bail out. Talk to the lobbyists and the investors (I have). The watchword is not "safe and effective." It's blame-the-victim and lucrative. Let's get our motives straight here. You can do that just fine without listening to us at Health Care Renewal. Just listen to Richard Sackler in a time capsule from 2001. Ever wonder why the strip-miners need so much of our patients' loot? Well, take a little trip to Davos, Switzerland, where the rich and rich go to rub shoulders and tell each other how smart they are: YouTube offers a hint here. B'bye--too much dander, got to go take a bath. Article source:Health Care Renewal

[chelsorz07]

you know it’s not forever

I think I’m gonna stop doing these soon, since it’s been at least a year since I started the series and I have to have repeated some already. But for tonight I have nothing else to do. Also for anyone who actually cares I’m working on a fic...it’s not my first but it will be the first one I finish and publish so keep an eye out in the next couple days, Dean/Cas fans ♥

2010/2018

What's one of your locked text messages? a line from a justin bieber song that sarah sent me haha Don’t have any. This phone doesn’t delete shit apparently. Where is the one boy/girl you want to see the most right now? at this very moment i would grow a left nut just so i could give it away if it gave me the opportunity to kick it with mah weskimo. Texas. Do you think your last ex deserves to die? i don't think about him, one way or the other. I definitely do not think that. He thinks that. And I try to convince him every day that he’s wrong, just like he does for me. Who was the last person you slept in the same bed with? david. Dave but he’s been gone for two weeks. Would you be mad if your best friend dated the person you like? probably, considering the person i like is my boyfriend. If my best friend dated my husband, yeah that’d be an issue. She never would though. She doesn’t even like him as a person lol Is anyone over- protective of you? my parents used to be but i think they've decided to chill for the most part. Nobody cares that much about me. Plans for tomorrow? babysitting, and hopefully walmart to get shirts to tie-dye for the summer set. Laundry, Netflix, hopefully finishing the story I’m writing. I really suck at dialogue. Have you made a mistake in the past week? i make mistakes by the hour. Constantly. I don’t recall a specific one though. Do you know anyone named Joshua? yeppp. A couple. Nobody I’ve spoken to in years. Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? more than likely. I’d like to hope so. If my marriage falls apart in the next four months I will most definitely kill myself. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? for sure. I’d do it for free. What were you doing at 7:00 AM? sleeping. Watching TWD and playing solitaire on my phone. Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months? it's been almost a year. Oh my god. Do you think two people can last forever? perhaps. I have yet to see it happen. Would you put yesterday on repeat and live it forever? nah. No, yesterday sucked. Work was dead and with nothing to do my feet hurt like hell, even with medical grade compression socks on. Did you ever kiss someone with a tattoo? yeah. Yup. I would never go near that person again. I was 19 and stupid and he was a filthy liar. What did you do today? watched maranda, cleaned up the house a little. that's pretty much it. Slept mostly. Picked up the living room. Watched tv. Looked at real estate listings. Talked to my dad. It was a decent day. Last time you laughed super hard? no idea. i laugh all the time. Can’t remember. I tend not to laugh really hard when I’m alone. Which I usually am. Do you find smoking unattractive? nope. but it sucks being around all my friends who smoke when i quit two and a half months ago. It probably is but I’m a chain smoker so I don’t really care. How many people do you fully trust? haha...well...used to be one. now i'm not sure i can completely trust anyone. Still one. Although the person is different. Nobody will ever have my back as much as my dad does. Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? i doubt it. Um...randos at the Pittsburgh airport. Did anyone call you pretty recently? ehh...don't think so. The last person to call me pretty was me. But Mike agreed so I guess him lol Do you look decent when you wake up? depends how my previous night went. That’s a valid answer. I look shitty without makeup no matter what. If my makeup from the previous day isn’t all fucked up after I sleep then I still look good. Are you afraid of falling in love? no. If I was it’d be way too late. Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? i'd probably feel exactly the same way i felt when i woke up from a really bad dream about him yesterday morning. There would be violence involved. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? um...i don't believe so. I don’t drink anymore. There are a couple bottles of whiskey in my freezer that haven’t been touched in years, that’s about it. when was the last time you were at the beach? never. Still never. Think back to September, were you in a relationship? yep. I’ve been in a relationship for the past eight Septembers. Almost nine. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? i wouldn't. Last half of 2010, first half of 2011. Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice that you can't even stand? most people. Fucking BARB. A lady I work with. She’s so irritating. I’ve even had customers complain to me about her voice, saying they want me to check them out instead. Who was the last person to give you a hug? maranda. Dave. What was the first thing you thought this morning? aksdfmkaoiewhfjdnf;h. “Wtf time is it?” It was actually almost 3pm. But I don’t go to bed till the morning so. What is something that you disliked about your day? uh. everything. The fact that I was pain free most of the day and now I’m not. Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a B? How many? nope. Not that I recall.

What about T? How many? no. Nope. What do you currently hear right now? commercials. Carl Grimes. And my cat snoring. Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? many times. Yep. Awkwardsauce. Who was your last text from? chele. My dad. Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? no. Nope, just a voicemail from my pharmacy. Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? weather. Ooh...those are my two biggest fears sooo...Idk if I could pick. Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? computer. Computer for sure. Even with Swype. If you won a trip to a nude beach would you go or give the trip away? i wouldn't go that's for sure...but i'd figure out a way to make money off of it. I stand by that. In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? love. of course sometimes when i say i hate someone, it's just because i don't know how to tell them i love them. and furthermore, feeling like i hate someone can make me love them even more. Love. I don’t have the energy for hatred anymore. But I’ll never stop loving what I love. Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days? sleeeeeeeep. Honestly...I don’t know now. I do love my sleep. And I’m lucky to do it for three hours at a time, let alone three days. But I’m also the world’s biggest night owl and am most productive when I should be sleeping. What time did you go to sleep last night? 5am this morning. Like 9am? I don’t remember. When was the last time you had starbucks? never have, never will. I broke my vow and had it exactly one time, a couple years ago. But I refuse to pay five dollars for coffee ever again. Timmy Ho’s and Sheetz are better and half the price. If you were granted one wish, what would you wish for? i don't believe in wishes. Money. What's the tenth text in your inbox say? "is nellie home?" from my mom. “I’m just happy you actually did something about it. Suppose I should return the favor and look into this now.” From Dave, about our respective health issues. Did you stand on your tippy-toes when you had your last kiss? for some reason i always do, even though he's only an inch taller than i am. I must have broken that habit somewhere along the way, because no, I didn’t. Do you like the same person you did a month ago? i've liked the same person for two years. That will never change. Would it be weird if the last person you kissed called you? yeah, cuz he's at work. and he almost never actually calls. He doesn’t call unless something is wrong.  Kissed somebody whose name starts with a C T D or J? d. First name D, last name C, middle name J. All different people. Do you ever think about the past? i think about past, present, and future. Always. Do you believe exes can be friends? sometimes. They most certainly can. Do you currently have a hickey, if so where? i've never had one. Only guy who ever gave me a hickey was a complete tool and I only liked him for his southern accent. He came along a few months after the last time I took this survey, when I was on the rebound. Last night you felt? meh. Bored and in pain. What's your favorite thing to do when you're bored? play solitaire. Read fanfic or watch Youtube. In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence? yup. I haven’t. It’s been months since I even drank a beer. Does anyone know your password besides you? no. Dave knows a couple of them. What're you wearing right now? pajamas and a hoodie. Lilo & Stitch pajama pants, Supernatural Day 2017 shirt. The Hot Topical makes a lot of money from me. What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead? don't know, don't care. i never liked michael jackson. That. Do you want to see somebody right now? yes. Several people. When's the last time you cried? daily. Um...a couple days ago at work because I was in pain. And probably the same day because I was watching Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life and it always makes me cry. Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people? i'd do both. I don’t want to do anything in front of that many people. But I could sing better than I could dance. Would it be more likely of you to fail Science or Math? both. I sucked at both. I was strictly an English and Art kinda gal. Will you regret your next kiss? no. they're so few and far between i can't regret them. not that i would anyway. No way in hell. I relish the ones I can get. Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? yeah but he doesn't ever seem to care. All the time. Everything makes me cry. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? hopefully i'll get to see him tonight or tomorrow night when he gets done working, since i won't see him on his day off this week. Sometime between the hours of 4 and 7am next Thursday.  Your boyfriend buys you flowers, you say? he's not that stupid. he knows i hate flowers. Still true, except he’s my husband now. Do you understand football? understand it and love it. The fooseball is life. I’m so freaking excited for the draft tomorrow. Is the last person you kissed mad at you? he'd have to care to be mad. Our last conversation was about travel and home buying so probably not. The person you have the strongest feelings for dies, do you care? shut up. i'm terrified of that more than anything, because he seems to like to do dumb shit that could get him killed. and i've been having tons of dreams about it lately. What the hell kind of question is that? I’m not a sociopath. Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them in a car? yes. Our first kiss was in a car. Well not the first kiss but that’s what we spent the entire rest of that night doing lol...There have been many car kisses since then as well. Have you kissed more than ten people this year? one person. Just one. Would you ever date someone who was gorgeous but they had a conceited attitude? no. looks don't matter as much as personality. I didn’t know he was conceited at the time but no, I never would again. Like I said, dude was a tool. If someone called you a bitch would you be offended? more like proud. I AM a bitch. I own it. Do you know a few people that smoke weed? a few? i know less people who DON'T smoke weed. Everybody smokes weed anymore. Except like my parents. Was this the best summer of your life? it hasn't happened yet. but last summer was the best so far. For the record, the summer of 2010 was the worst of my life. And last summer was really good for the sole reason of my birthday week, where I met All Time Low and got to spend it back home with my family and friends. Do you think relationships are even worth it? some are. Hope so. Medicine, fine arts, or law? arts. Same. Have you been through driver's ed yet? safety ed...like six years ago. i still don't have my license though. We didn’t have “driver’s ed”. Safety ed was like six weeks of basics but there was never any practice driving or anything like that. I didn’t get my license till I was almost 23. What do you think about people who party a lot? i think i want to be invited? If they’re my age, they need to grow the hell up. If they’re my sister’s age, I’m sure most of them will get sick of it eventually like I did. When was the last time you dyed your hair? almost a year ago...i've been really lazy with it lately. A little over a month ago? It’s orange with black ombre. I like the concept but next time I’m getting it done professionally. Is there a movie you've seen countless times? more than one. Several. I tend to watch most things I like over and over again instead of watching new things. What do you need to go shopping for? i need to stop shopping. Haha...that’s a good answer. But I do need some more compression socks. Have you ever read Twilight? no. Yes, and dammit, I liked it. I still curse myself for that. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? yeah. Nah, I’ll talk about anything. I’m pretty self-centered. If Britney Spears came to your town, would you go see her concert? hell yes i love her. I’d be there with bells on. Meet anybody new this week? nope. but i'm going to on wednesday. Idk if customers at work count. I don’t leave my house unless it’s for that. Do you dislike anyone at this moment in time? everyone. Yeah, the cunt that thought it’d be cool to cheat on her boyfriend with my best friend and then screw him over as well. Any up coming events you're excited about? the concert on wednesday, and my birthday. Going home next week and house shopping. Does anyone hate you? sure. I guess so. Don’t matter to me.

[tortuga-aak]

Why supermarkets have so few windows

Justin Sullivan/Getty

Grocery stores in Germany are beginning to experiment with more natural light.

Southwest Germany seems to have become an architectural playground for grocery chain Aldi, in particular.

Until now, grocery stores worldwide have tended to have few windows, largely due to space and cost constraints. 

Some experts say an environment without natural light helps stores control a shopper's experience more closely.

But research has found that in stores with more windows, customers and employees felt better, safer, and were able to identify products and people faster.

In the middle of Schwetzingen, near Heidelberg, Germany, you'll find something unusual. It's a new low-rise building: a long window in the front corner, clear lines, and a façade made of square-shaped reinforced concrete slabs.

It's a grocery store.

This Aldi-Süd branch is inspired by Bauhaus architecture à la Mies van der Rohe: a piece of Barcelona Pavilion in small-town Germany.

Eighty kilometers south, in Rastatt, is the next-closest branch of Aldi, which captures more daylight than you're probably used to seeing in a grocery store. Here, it comes from above, through 28 domes set into the wooden ceiling — a style reminiscent of buildings by contemporary Japanese star architect Shigeru Ban.

Aldi is one of the first of its kind to experiment with natural light

Southwest Germany seems to have become an architectural playground for Aldi. It's an unusual step for the discounter, which wasn't keen to experiment until recently. Until now, most of the stores have been built in the classic warehouse and beer tent design, with steep roofs. Daylight: none. It's not only Aldi who has resisted natural light for years, even though lighting incurs up to a third of the electricity costs.

Why are there hardly any windows in supermarkets?

Michaela von Baumgarten works as an architect at the engineering and planning office IPB Finzel in Würzburg, which is responsible for the concepts of the two Aldi branches mentioned above. "Not every client is willing to participate in window experiments," she says. "The reasons for this can be different: use of space, business concept, energy efficiency, consumer behavior."

Another client of the planning office, the drugstore Dm (shot for drogeriemarkt), is giving up daylight as far as possible. "Dm prefers to have only daylight in the entrance area, and only as much as is necessary," says von Baumgarten. In the case of Dm, it is due to the company's lighting concept. "The products are illuminated in all the stores equally by spotlights. In addition, there is always the danger that a customer will no longer buy a product whose packaging may already be somewhat faded by the sun," says von Baumgarten.

Architect: 'Gingerbread melted away at Aldi'

Mathias Streicher, Professor of Management, Marketing, and Tourism at the University of Innsbruck, says space is mainly responsible for the lack of daylight: "Space is extremely expensive, especially in city centers, and must therefore be used to optimum effect. Large vertical windows especially are almost impossible, because most of the space is taken by large shelving areas." Supermarket chains can therefore try out new room concepts, especially in industrial parks, where the market is detached.

Pioneers for innovative markets have long been established in Austria and Switzerland, such as the M-Preis and Migros chains. But also in Germany, other big names such as Edeka, Rewe, or Tegut are driving the change. However, the daylight supermarket is still in a beta phase; the influence of daylight on supermarket operations is always surprising.

Von Baumgarten knows such things. "When the Aldi branch in Rastatt was built, we had carried out extra studies on the incidence of light — how much daylight falls through the windows on the products at what time of the year. The gingerbread melted in the winter after one hour of sunshine."

It had to be retrofitted: protective glass with highly reflective micro-patterns in the cavity between the panes, which allows even less UV radiation and heat to pass through, but at the same time retains its transparency. The technology was developed by the Fraunhofer Institute for Solar Energy Systems (ISE), which has also been continuously testing the efficiency of the market for two years. After the monitoring phase, the institute drew up an interim balance: The consumption of the lighting systems was reduced by 23% compared with a standard branch due to daylight.

Ralph Orlowski/Getty Images

Edeka floods markets with light

While Aldi is mainly testing in Baden, an area in southwest Germany, German supermarket Edeka's laboratory is Bavaria. Here, panoramic windows have already been replaced by concrete walls in several branches, such as Dillingen, Ingolstadt, and Gaimersheim. If strolling through the wine rack comes closer to walking through a loggia, the marketing concept might work out.

Streicher also cites psychological reasons for dispensing with windows: "Sealing off from daylight reduces the feeling of the time of day. This may help to increase the shopping mileage of shoppers," says the marketing expert. "Even weather-related influences — such as weather-related fluctuations in mood that can affect consumer sentiment — can thus be better controlled, for example, because the bad weather disappears from the perception area at least for a short period of time."

However, this assumption is controversial: Supermarkets such as Aldi, Edeka, or Rewe are experimenting with daylight, especially in order to keep customers in stores for longer. The idea behind it: If you are in a black box with artificial light, which is hermetically sealed, you will up and leave. A study by the National Renewable Energy Laboratory in Colorado came to this conclusion back in 2002 — and recommended natural light. Customers and employees felt better, safer, and were able to identify products and people faster. Shopping is also made more experience-oriented by daylight, as in the weekly market.

The next generation of supermarkets could be more like a fancy greenhouse than a barren warehouse.

NOW WATCH: Sheetz is a convenience store with a die-hard fan base only found in six states — take a look inside

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[nobito203]

Back to words and sentences,

One month left and I will be finished my freshman year in the USA. Overall, it’d been a great year. 

I have to say, I’m a lucky person who has a happy family, has friends and has opportunities to travel. America was not the first country I came in to, but it was the first country I came by myself after 22 hours fly and it was even better when it was not only for the purpose of travel, but also studying. 

Studying, of course, requires many efforts of students to achieve what they want. That is even harder when you don’t study in your native language aka first language. Look at the bright side, I think I’m doing great with that and to be honest, learning a new language will open a new door to become better in solving problems and issues. Beside of studying, there is no one will wake you up in the morning, no one will remind you when is dinner or supper, no want will do your laundry and many things simple like that... It’s all on your own, you become your own manager of time. An obstacle you might and you will facing is the laziness of yourself. Laziness is like a mental illness that most of adolescents have to deal with. But yeah, it’s not about the illness, it’s about how you will deal with it and how you fix it. As long as you are aware of it, I think you and me will be fine.

I’ve seen in a video on Youtube which has a quote I really like, “Studying abroad is the time when you far away with the old things familiar, but you are so close to new interesting things.“ That is true. Study abroad brings to a person new experiences which they won’t have if study at home country. I feel great because I have a good adaptation with America culture, especially foods. America is a huge culture of diversity, many people from different cultures living in a land. That diversity can be seen on a lunch table, in a party, etc. Those blends of cultures are a big picture of diversity which is hard to find in other country. Meeting new people from other countries is a good thing for me during time here, I have learned a lot from them. They are kind, generous and awesome people. I made some good friends from both foreign and native. They are very supporting and helpful. I’m very appreciated that. 

However, everything in life has two sides of it. I don’t say I’m happy all the time, just mostly. Sometimes, I did feel frustrating. I felt lonely and isolated myself in room whole day long. I even felt America isn’t a right place because too much dramatic things happened. Dealing with depression is a part of life. I live in a society full of people with different viewpoints about life, where every opinions either bad or good are highlighted. Personally, I take that is a good thing, people from every social class deserve to be heard in all circumstances. At a moment, I felt like I cannot find a sympathy from anyone here. I obsessed about things were happening around. One thing for sure that there are some moments, Vietnamese people in this school hated me and I felt that very clear. That was very frustrated. Nonetheless, I’m back on track. Like I said, life always has two sides. It’s very unusual if everybody either love or hate you. I do have friends who really enjoy to spend time with me and also have “friends” who don’t like me. I’m always trying to optimist and I came up with an idea that those two kinds of people both have feeling toward me whether like or don’t. So, lovers and haters are everywhere, I’ve trained myself to care about people who enjoy to spend time with me because I think life is too short to give a f*** about haters. No one is perfect. I try to be a better version of myself everyday. America is a good place for me to learned and experienced new things and even bad feelings haha. 

Last but no least, I want to say thanks to my parents who gave me this opportunity. I’m so grateful to be your son. I know I don’t show you on social networking often but it doesn’t mean I have nothing for you. As a son, I know how important you guys are and I’m trying my best to make you proud. 

Thanks to my friends who I feel so lucky to be friends with. Luckier when I have friends in different time zones. You guys are a big part of my life. Specially thanks to Ank, Xlk, Ciao, Chi Mai, Mỹ and NA for always having time for me no matter how busy you guys are. Thanks for trusting me with all those stories. Thanks for sentiment you guys have for me. It’s a privilege for me to know and be friends with you. My life won’t be like this without you. 

The last one is Chloe, my college-mate I guess, thank you for being such a good friend, a great sister since the first day I came here. I know I’m too shy to say this to you through speaking language so I chose to say it through writing language. Thanks for always supporting. Thanks for always telling and trusting me with your things. I won’t never forget the day we had talked at Sheetz till 3am and you were almost cry ahaha. Đm dhs suýt khóc =))) That was soft of fun. Tbh, sometimes, I think about the day you will be graduated and won’t be here anymore and that scare me a bit. Anw, that will happen so I think just enjoy this first hah? Please keep in touch... 

My 1st year studying in America is about to end and I’ve been enjoying it. I have a big love for America. Vietnamese people from previous generations might have pessimistic thoughts about America in general but for me, it’s a great country. America is my dream since I was a little boy and now it came true with many new things with new people in different cities. This is longer than I expected haha. I’m so ready for the summer full of experiences. My last word is:”Treat people in the ways you want to me be treated.”

4:22pm, Apr 2nd, PA, US

No Name

P/S: Sorry for my bad English...

[0xo-depressed-xo0-blog]

Raised by a woman who isn't my mom. That woman is my nana.

    I never thought I’d be one of those kids. One of those kids who has to explain that I was raised by my grandmother. My Nana as I called her. Most people ask the typical question of “why did she raise you and your brother.” I never know how to answer that. What am I supposed to say. Am I supposed to let a Stanger know my mom had my brother and I at a young age. Should i tell them how my mom was deemed unfit to care for us . How a judge gave me to my nana at the age of 5. Should make up a lie. Sometimes I don’t even answer at all. I give them a blank stare.  One thing people will never understand is it don’t get any easier. It gets harder as you get older. All your friends are able to say their mom or dad are their best friends. They get to tell stories of all the fun times they had with their parents. All I really have to tell is the times my mom did me wrong. All the times she hurt me of my brother.     Now I’m sitting here typing this making it seem like being raised by my nana was a bad thing. It never was. She is the one who became my best friend. She’s the lady I would give the world to. She’s the person who gave the world to me. Plus more. Most kids can’t sit here and say they have an amazing bond with their grandmother.  They look at their grandmother like a grandmother. Crazy to say I look at mine like a mom. When I’m in a room full of strangers I get asked who is my mom. I point to my Nana without hesitation. You may ask why. You may not understand. So I’m gonna explain it to you. When it was my first day of kindergarten she was the one to woke me up. Fed me my breakfast, get me dressed, and put me on that big yellow bus. When it was time for me to learn how to read and write. When I had a hard time learning division she was the one who sat at the kitchen table for many hours explaining it to me in a way I’d understand. She got me the help I needed for my ADD. She was the one by my side. She was the person always by my side cheering me on.she put me into girl scouts. You may not realize how much money that is. How much time it takes from an adults life. It’s time consuming. So many trips to pick me up. As I got older the things she helped me with changed. 6th grade came along. It was time for graduation. Time to move up to middle school. That’s when she really became my best friend. Through every bad grade. Through every long night. Taking me to a friend’s house. Picking me up from the mall. The starting point of me needing therapy. Yes I’m saying it. The starting point of therapy. This is when things got hard. For many years I didn’t see her as my best friend. I was in a state of Mind that made me push her away. When I got to high school. My 9th grade year I wanna say that was my hardest year of them all. I had to tell my best friend that I was sad. I had to tell her the little girl she tried to protect was broken. I had to show her my self harm. I had to tell her about my eating disorder. I had to explain to her that I hear voices. Explain that getting out of bed each day is hard. Had to tell her i was raped. You would have thought I was crazy. You would think she would flip out. She did much more than that. She got me the help I needed. She never left my side. She did all for awhile. Through the long nights of crying. To the countless trips to doctors. Sometimes i had to see doctors every other day. Or every day. She made sure I took my depression medicine on time. Making sure I ate. The many times she had me put in an inpatient program to get me the help I truly needed. She did it all. I know she got tired. She kept pushing through though. She was my hero. Without a doubt i knew she was my best friend. She never made me feel alone. She made me feel like I could take on anything. She made me fight the storm. She made my hell have light.        I could go on and tell you about the hard times we had together. Her dealing with my depression and eating disorder was never easy. We have come far together in that journey and to this day we are still continuing it. Working side by side to make sure I’m healthy.         What I’m going to tell you now is how instead of having memories with my parents. I have memories with my nana. There’s no one else I’d wanna go to the grocery store with. How we would get up in the morning take the back road through the country listening to her jazz and oldies. Singing along without a care in the world. She taught me how to swim. How she would take a certain way home just so I could get a chai from sheetz because she knows that’s my favorite drink. How to plant flowers the correct way. How to cook her amazing food. How to make cards. Even though she shortly learned I was better than her. Vacations with her were always the best. She would do anything to put a smile on my face. Even if it was a trip to green lakes for a few hours while visiting new York. She always made the best of it. Boy did our family have some big vacations though. Not just because of her I do have to add that my pop pop made this stuff happen to. Trips to mount Rushmore. Beach trips. North Dakota and south Dakota. You name a state. I’ve probably been there. Because of everything I’ve done with my nana. When I do something she’s the first person I wanna invite. She’s the person I wanna tell.       I’m almost 19 now and currently not living with her. So our relationship is 6 hours away but still the best. Long phone calls. Texting 24-7. She comes up to visit me basically every month. So our lunch dates mean a little more. Our hugs last a little big longer. Our laughs are a little bit more meaningful. And our time together means more.      So as I sit here and type this to you. You now see that being raised by a grandmother is a little different. There’s some different emotions. Do I ever sit here and wish my mom raised me. Do I ever wish my past and family life was normal. Yes I do. I wouldn’t be a human if I didn’t. I do want you to understand that I wouldn’t want my past to be changed. I wouldn’t wanna be raised by anyone else. I’m proud to be raised by my nana. Im grateful I was raised by my nana. I’m glad she become the best friend I’ve always wanted. She’s my person. She will always be my person. I love her more than I’ll ever love anyone else. She’s not just my person. She’s not just my best friend. She’s my other half. -Elizabeth Shaw

[chelsorz07]

this will be the extent of my hiatus content

2009/2017

Are you happy with your life at the moment? yep. Negative. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? haha...i just think it's funny how messed up those chicks have to be to get involved with such a loser. He’s not with someone else and hasn’t been for quite some time. Have you taken a picture recently with somebody you really don't like? can't think of any. I don’t recall the last time I took a picture with someone at all. Where do you work? here. Hell. And apparently I’m less of a worthwhile adult because I didn’t want to go in two hours before close on my night off because someone called off. Because it’s totally worth spending an hour and a half getting ready and half an hour getting there for the twelve dollars I’d end up with after taxes. Have you ever seen The Wedding Singer? no. Still no. Do you own a studded belt from Hot Topic? i get my belts at rue21...hot topic is too expensive. I’m a grown ass woman, I’m too old for studded belts. How many pairs of shoes do you own? less than a dozen. 25ish but most of them are dollar flip-flops. What does the last message in your inbox say? "ummm..." “Well...thats one way to do it.” Because not only is he judging and guilt tripping me, he also doesn’t know how to use apostrophes. Would you ever break up with someone through a song? no. I wouldn’t waste a perfectly good song on someone shitty enough to break up with. First text this morning, from who and what time? "not brian lol thats all that matters" from ash at like 9:30. “Mrow.” from Dave at 4:26pm. He can’t even talk to me like a human. Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong? no. I’m rarely wrong but when I am I admit it. And I still get the blame turned on me for various psychotic reasons. Have you ever liked someone older than you? obviously. Right now I don’t much like anyone. But yes, I do prefer older. What is currently bothering you? i have to get up. i want to take a nap but can't till like 2am. Being made to feel like shit for everything I do and say. Whens the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? a week ago. I called my dad on Thanksgiving. Aside from waking up, what was the first thing you did this morning? uh...either peed or made some toast. Smoked a cigarette. Is the last person you texted a he or she? she. He. How far is it from your house to Wal*mart? like 5mins. I live in an entirely different state but I’m still only five minutes away from Walmart. And I hardly ever go because I hate it there. Does anyone call you babe or baby? no. Nope. Have you ever had pink eye? yeah. Second grade. Do you send over 1,000 texts a month? closer to 4000...i remember my first bill, it was 14000. I only talk to three people, and not every day. So no. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? yep. I have a male best friend but I still can’t tell him everything because a lot of my problems are marital and he’s still in love with me so it’d be cruel of me to try to get his advice on the subject. What color is the shirt you are wearing? green. Navy blue. Do you love anyone at all? of course. I do. Not convinced they love me. Did you wake up at all last night? not really. i actually didn't have too bad of a night of sleep. I always only sleep for a couple hours at a time, either because of dreams, pain, itching, or having to pee. But if it’s a day when I don’t work, I take several short depression naps. Are you going to any movies anytime soon? we wanted to see brothers but i don't think it's playing in olean. Probably not. I said I wanted to see The Greatest Showman and since I’m going to be alone for the entire month it’s not likely to happen. Do you use code names for anyone? no need to. Once again, I am an adult. Do you hate rain? i love it. I hate all weather. Closest thing to you that is orange? my underwear. Old Navy fleece. Favorite smell on a guy? i don't know what it is...but it's amazing. I have no freaking clue. Mine always smells like oil and ball sweat. Do you trust many people? one. The only person on this planet that I trust one hundred percent is my father. Was today good or bad? hasn't been terrible but tonight should be better. Bad. Explain what triggered your last kiss? um...dave was going home so he kissed me goodbye. It was a goodbye...it’s always a goodbye. If your single, why is that? i'm not. I’m not. Where do you think the person you like is right now? i believe he's sleeping, the lucky bastard. haha I don’t know where he is because there are so many different locations that he works at I can’t keep track. He’s either somewhere in PA, somewhere in Ohio, or somewhere in West Virginia. What is the last thing you said out loud? idk. I don’t remember. Probably commentary at the tv. I’m watching season 5 of Supernatural. Who was the last person that hugged you? david. Dave I guess. Do you like watching scary movies? yeah. I used to. They’re all stupid now. Do you think someone has feelings for you? i know. Not the person who should have them. Have you ever kissed anyone within an hour of meeting them? haha yeah. My first kiss. Are you wasting your time on someone? definitely not. Evidently he believes he’s wasting his time on me. At least that’s how he makes me feel. Do you have a bad temper? the worst. You betcha. You find out your pregnant; boy or girl? i'd probably just an hero. I’d have to have sex to be pregnant. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had sex all year. Could you last in a relationship for over a year? sure. Been almost 9. Do you think somebody likes the same person you do? idk but i won't stand for it if they do lol Oh he has several. Claims there’s nothing going on. But is still shady about all of it and wonders why I keep asking. Do you wish you had more money? oh hell yeah. Yeah I’d move the fuck home in a heartbeat, so I can be around people who actually give a shit about me. Who's car were you in last, not counting family? dave. Mine. Did the last person you kiss have piercings? no. No. How was last night? lame. Sucked. We got out of work an hour late and then they killed Carl on TWD. I mean he’s not dead yet but he will be. I bet your going to kiss someone tonight, right? pretty good bet. Wrong. How many tattoos do you have? And how many do you want? one, and at least five more. I have two. I want several. Are relationships ever really worth it? this one is. Good question. Have you ever looked someone straight in the eyes and told them a lie? my parents. Yes. What are some things that make you mad? lots of things. Pretty much everything. Who can make you feel better in a difficult situation? i'd feel a hell of a lot better in ANY situation if i had a CAT.  Amanda.

If you could have anyone you want, who would it be? the one i have. I would feel like the one I have wants me. What color are your eyes? hazel. Green. Who was your crush in 5th grade? fitz. That can’t really change 20 years later. About how many hours of sleep did you get last night? uh...i'm not sure. 6 maybe. Like I said...two hours at a time. But a couple times. Is your hair naturally straight? wavy. No it’s not. Is there something you want to say to someone but can't/won't? yeah. Tons of fucking things. What are you doing right now? procrastinating. This and watching SPN. Who sung the song you last listened to? edwin mccain. Something That We’re Not - Demi Lovato. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? mandi. Sheila when I called off last Saturday because I couldn’t walk. Who was the last person to text you? mandi. Dave. What's the weather like outside? disgusting. Cold. Where was the last place you bought something? beach house. Applebee’s and Sheetz. Who are you thinking about right now? maranda. Demi Lovato because I mentioned her so that song is stuck in my head now. Is there anyone you couldn't go a day without talking to? yeah. No. Sometimes I go several days without talking to anyone. Do you believe exes could really ever be "just friends"? some. I’m friends with my ex. Did you sing at all today? not yet but i will later. At like 5am. How many people have you had feelings for this year? one that i was just getting over at the beginning of the year and one that i've had feelings for for almost two years. One for the past eight and a half years. Could you ever be friends with someone who hurt you badly? i am. Idk I’m married to someone who hurt me badly so probably. But I only have two friends and they’ve never really done anything to me. When was the last time you were told you were cute? idk a few days ago probably. Yesterday. Do you know anybody with the same middle name as you? my middle name is like the most common ever. Like everyone. What are you wearing right now? pj pants, tank top, long sleeved shirt, and a fur lined hoodie because it's freeeeeeeeeeeeeezing. Black yoga pants, blue long sleeved shirt. It’s what I wore to work yesterday. Is there something you're looking forward to? maranda's birthday. Well I was actually kinda looking forward to seeing my family on Christmas but now Dave’s volunteering to work that day so once again I’m stuck here alone.