#if you unfollow i understand. i promise not to post such depressing shit in the future. it's just what's happening right now

[everywhereallofthetime]

I don’t know/remember off-hand how many followers I (may still) have here, - I didn’t bother/think to look before I began composing this post, - and idk if anyone has truly cared/missed me, - I never really had many notes on any given chapter, - but I’m, unfortunately, breaking my promise. 💔 I am so incredibly sorry; at this time I don’t believe I will ever finish “Some Girl”. In fact, I will be deleting it from this blog. Well, turning every chapter to private, which is nearly the same thing. I honestly don’t know if “private-ing” things blocks them from my already followers sight or what.

Under the circumstances, ofc, you can absolutely unfollow me if you choose to, but please allow me to first tell you where my head is/has been...

You see, I had a friend who was my beta reader and someone I could bounce my thoughts off of for SG, and then we had a messy, terrible falling out. Her fingers are all over little bits of this story, mainly in the later chapters, and honestly, it pretty much spoiled things for me. 😔 I still go back and read it occasionally and believe it was/is very good writing up to where it went on hiatus, but I started feeling different about how it seemed to be progressing. I was being influenced to write Shawn differently than I had been and it was messing with me, throwing everything off. I never should have allowed that. And after the friendship ended and the dust settled, I thought maybe I could get my head back on straight and continue, return it to what I had always envisioned it to be, but I think it was just… too late.

Idek if any of the previous paragraph makes a drop of sense, but that’s the best way I know how to describe things.

I even thought maybe I could do a partial rewrite, adjust some things, even in early chapters, but just the thought of such an undertaking is overwhelming. I’m not saying it won’t eventually happen, but I know better now than to make any promises.

Aside from that, I hit such a horrible wall with my writing, period. If you follow me over at my main Shawn blog and have read any of the stories on my master list, you may know that I haven’t posted a new story for a long, long time.

I was negatively affected by Shawn canceling tour, even though I understand/understood and accept(ed) that was what he needed to do, but it put me in a poor mindset for quite a while. I was supposed to be seeing him the very next night after the initial postponement announcement, as well as three other shows, including a M&G. It was a devastating blow. It took me a while to pull myself out of my upset/depression. That’s when the block started to develop. I know my happiness should not be dependent on Shawn, and it’s not, not really, but I had been looking forward to an amazing summer, for months, and suddenly there was no longer anything to be excited for.

There’s a lot more I could go into here, but I try to never burden anyone with my problems/issues. (Even though I probably should let people help me once in a while. It’s easy for me to be the person people come to when shit is rough, but difficult for me to go “crying” to others when shit is rough.)

I’ve been trying very hard to reclaim my writing mojo, because I do still absolutely adore and love Shawn, and I love writing him, and truly, I always seem to be jotting things down, even while I was so severely blocked. Maybe those little notes/ideas will eventually develop into something. Who knows?

I am feeling more stirrings than I have in a while, so silver lining? Maybe it’s because Shawn himself seems to be in such a better place and he has returned to being more active and interactive, and we know new music is coming “soon”, and that’s been so uplifting and encouraging. When he’s happy, I’m happy, you know?

(I’m sure many of the writers that write Shawn will be popping up again in the next few months.)

I still have a number of requests sitting in my ask box. Goodness knows if any of the requesters even remember requesting from me; it’s been so long. I’m slowly, tentatively trying to get back to those.

Okay, my lovies. If you read through this entire post, thank you. I appreciate you. ❤️ I hope you can forgive me.

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

I’m sorry to everyone who’s concerned about my posts for the last... I don’t even know how long. 

I don’t know how to explain how hard it is to simply exist when mental illness shit kicks back into high gear. I am working on it. I am seeing my therapist consistently. I am trying. 

But I am so fucking tired, too. 

I’m basically “one more thing” away from tears at any given moment, and that’s where I’ve been hovering for the last few months. And all of it is internalized and that leads to a lot of anxiety, depression, and (for the first time in like 6 years) panic attacks. I’m really not having a fun time right now. 

But I also don’t really have friends outside of this website, which is sad on a whole other level that I can’t really process right now because just thinking about it reduces me to tears and it all spirals out of hand very, very quickly. 

I’m trying to figure out how to exist in a world that isn’t built for me and a lot of the time doesn’t seem to want me, either. And I’m trying to do so relatively alone because I don’t have much of an irl support network and the pandemic has only exacerbated that. 

Sometimes, it feels like I can’t talk. My throat closes up, and my chest gets tight, and I couldn’t physically force words out if I tried. But I also can’t write them down because then it’s just me alone with my thoughts, and enough of that will kill me (it’s tried very hard to before). 

So I throw them out into the void. I genuinely forget sometimes that people follow this blog and can see things that I post and that this is out of character from who I’ve presented myself to be for the last several years. And none of that is intentional. 

It feels like this is the only place I’m allowed to speak, sometimes. 

I promise you, I’m going to get through this and be ok. But it’s going to take a lot of work, and I’m exhausted all the time. I feel defeated and useless and broken all of the time. And right now I don’t see that going away, which makes things a whole lot harder. 

So please just know I’m trying and if you need to unfollow or need me to use a certain tag for you to blacklist or anything like that, I understand completely and I’m sorry. 

[catsnuggler]

What didn't help my whole subconsciously-missionary-minded, silent-echoes-of-Mormonism socialism illusion, which made me think it would be selfish and wrong to demand my own liberation, was the misapplication of standpoint epistemology - put simply, when "identity politics" goes bad.

Putting the rest under a cut, because this is a long post.

While it's crude and ultimately incorrect to only say, for example, "Listen to Black voices", without emphasizing the critical thinking skills and empathy necessary to listen to Cornel West, and dismiss Candace Owens for the right-wing corporate hack that she is, what is for certain is that someone like me, a 100% white American settler of Mormon pioneer stock (on one side of my family, anyway), and with no formal education on the subject matter, doesn't have authority to speak on the experience of Black people in America. I have no argument against that, because it's true.

Continuing further, just because, in spite of the fact neither racism nor colonialism oppresses me, capitalism still does, this doesn't mean I have as much authority to speak on it as a Black member of the working class does, as anti-Black racism and capitalism compound on and depend on each other, making the lives of Black working class people more difficult than the lives of white working class people. Doesn't mean I can't speak on capitalism, just means I'm not the leading voice.

That being said - I'm going to talk as if I'm still a believing Mormon, let alone Christian, in this and the next paragraph, to better explain the subconscious workings of my mind, due to their brainwashing - the difference in our positions can be wrongly perceived, especially by someone raised in the illusory colonial missionary mindset, similar to the position of those with "the gospel" and those "of the world", where those with "the truth" have more, but are, like all, oppressed by "sin", yet at least believe themselves to have the knowledge and wherewithal to resist, while those "worldly" people aren't blessed with the wealth of God's Word, nor the solidarity of the church, and are thus further deprived of the perfection God desires for his children than those of His Flock already are, and must be ministered to, brought into the Fold, and Saved from On High.

Yet there must ever be a humility to such actions, there must ever be self-denial, for all are imperfect, even those in the church, as, just as Christ shed His blood, and allowed His flesh to be pierced, even to His death, in limitless sacrifice for the sins of all of the Children of Men, that they may be redeemed, so have countless socialist, communist, and anarchist revolutionaries died for the cause, and yet all who live, who do not seclude themselves from the world and its markets, facilitate the continued exploitation and robbery of each other by the capitalist class. All are imperfect, and all would deserve bondage and bloodshed, were it not for the bleeding hearts of the martyrs.

So, you see, even someone who consciously attempts to reject Christianity can still fall victim to its logic, even after abandoning the official doctrine of it, if proper safeguards against the general thought processes of it are not taken. Returning to the original point I've tried to raise, I've fallen for a long time to a Christian-esque stance of personal martyrdom for the sake of "saving others" to the point I believed pursuing my own liberation would be selfish.

I'm mentally ill and neurodivergent to the point that getting myself to even get into the habit of seeking jobs is difficult, much more so landing myself an interview; and getting an offer of employment? Only happened once, at the end of my first interview. As you predicted, the job sucked, they were desperate to hire me because it sucks, and it wasn't 3 months before I quit. I quit in late September of 2018. It's been almost 3 years of me not having a job.

I got my driver's license in mid 2019, but got into a minor parking accident that only broke a headlight on the car I drove, and didn't damage the other car, in September of that year. It was over a year before I drove again, because of the depth of my depression and anxiety over one accident, which cost about $150. Since January of this year, I've driven somewhat regularly, and have some measure of confidence, but am still anxious every time I'm behind the wheel. I could drive to and from a job, if needed, but it would be a while before that would be comfortable.

I still live with my dad, at the age of 23, and barely have any friends where I live anymore; those local friends I still have, I haven't seen face-to-face for a long time. My dad... my dad could die any day, and I would be royally fucked. Something happened earlier this month, and he wasn't healthy before, but this was really serious. He amazingly got away with few symptoms, and can make a full recovery with the right effort, except... it could still happen again, it would just be less likely. If it does, he could die. Again, I would be royally fucked. I don't know how much his treatment cost, but I know it must be a pretty penny. There's only so long I can continue like this.

Due to my dependence and general impotent state, I can't do a goddamn thing for what I believe in right now. I have to fight self-hatred with the argument that if I die, I'll have died useless and unhelpful, when I could potentially have kept living til I got my act together and finally done something helpful before passing.

I have a college degree. Not a "real" degree, in the sense of it mattering, but I have an Associate degree, DTA. No major; I never could figure out what I wanted to do. It would have been a close call between anything in political science, which would have led toward a government job, which would be unacceptable as an anarchist, or perhaps a professorial job, teaching would-be politicians and bureaucrats, hardly educating anyone of revolutionary intent; or something in chemistry, perhaps biochemistry, leading to some kind of colonial agrichem shit, or making expensive medicines nobody would be able to afford for private entities' profits, possibly having research appropriated by Uncle Sam for weapons purposes - I don't know, but none of that was appealing. I graduated community college with Honors, as a member of the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society. I could have had promise as some or other kind of technocrat or bureaucrat - but I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It seems the less one is exploited, the more they exploit others. I don't know what job I can take that would exploit me enough that I wouldn't hurt others so much, while leaving me alone enough that I wouldn't kill myself, which... which has been a temptation, at times. Not too strong, but it is fucking there. I have promise; at short-term memorization and obedience, at least, like a mongrel dog who can read; but no conviction, no confidence, and a surplus of fear.

There are more woes I can recollect, I can continue this pity party in a book, but enough of that. Suffice it to say, all this time, I should have wanted my own liberation. Colonized people (in an American context, Turtle Island Indigenous and Black) have it worse, LGBT* people have it worse, women have it worse, physically disabled people have it worse, people with greater mental disabilities than my own have it worse, and I can't lead any of their struggles. But I do have the right to demand my own liberation, and I shouldn't convince myself otherwise.

*I don't oppose the use of the other word, except people of my demographic have abused that word so goddamn much, I don't want to type it, myself, let alone say it. It's always tainted when it comes from those who aren't of that community. Please don't think I'm either a radfem or a libfem just because I didn't use that word. I support people identifying with that label in using it.

This post became increasingly personal toward the end. However, I hope my flawed perspective, perhaps unique (read: unrelatable) in some aspects, perhaps explaining, at least in part, some of the fucked-up mental hurdles of white socialist "allies" that we need to get our asses over yesterday, might help - whatever I might have illuminated, and whatever I surely missed. I can understand why someone might want to share and add, share and criticize, or leave this alone with a like, nothing at all, or an unfollow.

Not that I can prevent this from being shared in any way, except by not posting in the first place, but I'm okay with it being shared by other socialists, for whatever it's worth... although I understand the more traction it gets, the more likely I'll get anon hate about being full of myself (deserved, to an extent at least), for being some dumb socialist cuck (not exactly wrong, but rude, and likely from a Nazi, so fuck you), or perhaps from non-Mormon Christians accusing me, someone they'd call a Mormon (which is arguably almost a new ethnicity (not race though) as much as it is a religion) of daring to throw the Christian god and Christianity, in general, under the bus, accusing me of being in league with the devil. So be it.

If you're not a reactionary, nor a liberal, nor somewhere in-between, and you want to share this for some reason or another, you may do so.

[ghoulixsh]

Some rules.;

Until I can get off of mobile, this post serves both as a rules page and a rules page template for myself. Please like this post, if you've read it.

Blog contains mature content.

Including but not limited to violence, murder, blood, death, gore, cannibalism, oppression, genocide, nsfw, torture, etc.

Everything will be tagged to the best of my abilities, but if I forget to tag anything, let me know kindly.

Please tag eye- and mouth gore, pregnancy, childbirth, parasites of the guts, and any of the obvious no no's for me.

OH AND PLEASE? FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS, PLEASE TAG CAT DEATH. Please. I have trauma.

Shipping

Do not forceship and/or bully me into shipping. Good ship rps require chemistry and consent.

No pre-existing ships whatsoever. I *will* cancel a ship if I'm somehow uncomfortable.

I will not ship my muse with any muses that are underage. Suivat is an adult and pedophilia is fucking disgusting.

Smut rps only with people I've gotten to know and trust, only with build-up and reason, and never on site. Fade to blacks are cool with me and sometimes I prefer them (e.g. if Suivat sleeps with a man). No smut with muns and/or muses who are minors.

Ships are verse dependant and occur by matters of ooc communication.

Interactions

Might be slow and/or sparse. I'm depressed, anxious, have adhd and am not used to this style of rp. Please be patient with me.

If I like repeatedly or repeatedly follow/unfollow, I promise it's not to catch your attention. I have ocd. It occassionally forces me to repeatedly click something in certain ways. I'm really sorry if I unwittingly spam you. Please forgive me.

Interactions are mutuals only, and I'm VERY interested in interacting with all kinds of ocs and canons. I do however require a muse about page with info on your character, and an ooc/rules page. I'm hesitant to follow blogs without those.

Sometimes I will follow muses from canons I'm not wholly familiar with. I do it because I'm very interested in the canon, the muse, or both. If you'd prefer to only rp with people who know your canon, don't be afraid to ask me to unfollow.

In other news, I reserve the right to not rp && follow a muse without giving a reason for why. It spikes my anxiety if I have to. I'm sorry.

If you're not comfortable with any types of interactions we have, let me know and we can figure things out. I'm not a mindreader and bringing up the courage to speak up goes a long way in communication.

It takes me a while to warm up oocly. Please don't take it personally, I have trauma related to ooc connections and friendships in general.

If I follow you, it means I'm interested in interacting with you. Don't be afraid to hmu about plotting! Just don't come with the 'wanna rp?' line. It's an rp blog, if I follow you, the answer is yes.

And please, please, please don't godmod/powerplay. If you do, I'll likely drop the thread && interaction.

My favorite things to rp are

Shipping (romantically, family, friendship, etc.)

Horror

Surrealism and violence

Hurt and comfort

Fantasy

Drama (as in tragedies etc., not the stupid internet definition of drama)

Sci-fi (not that I know jackshit, I'm just in it to be in awe and for fun)

AUs of all kinds

Crack occassionally lmao

Another important thing:

Don't follow if you rp genderbends, incest, pedo shit, beastiality, etc. No, intelligent monsters capable of understanding and consenting don't count as beastiality to me, they count as people, so don't ask. No kink or smut centered blogs. Please no personals.

All breakers of this rule are subjected to instant blocking.

Thanks to everyone for reading this longass post. I appreciate it! I swear I'm not nearly as scary as I make myself sound here.

I look forward to you all!

[hyruviandoctor]

So I don’t know how many of you are interested in why I haven’t been on here in about a week, but here goes. I’m sorry if this gets emotional, and I promise I’m not pouting or anything, I just need to get these words off my chest and here seems like a good place to do it long-form.

I’ve been dating the same girl since October of 2015, and for the most part it has been absolutely amazing. I love her with all of my heart, and think she’s the perfect one for me. Not to say she herself is perfect, but I think we compliment each other very well.

I was at my parents’ house for most of May this year and my girlfriend was at our university taking a summer class. Whenever I go home, I get really depressed because my relationship with my parents is incredibly rocky. For example, my mother called my girlfriend a whore over text before she had even met her - 3 months into the relationship. My girlfriend say that text because of a desktop notification on my computer (which she had to borrow because she needed it to run a program her Mac couldn’t), and it’s all been shit since then in terms of my relationship with my mother. My mother thinks my girlfriend should just move past that, but my girlfriend can’t bring herself to do it because my parents have never shown her any kind of respect or interest in getting to know her, despite how much I love her. I did a lot of thinking on my own over the summer and began to form my own opinions on a lot of things. I focused on things my girlfriend and I had discussed because those were the most important to figure out my stances on, but I thought about a lot of stuff. And one of the things I decided was that I had to stand up to my parents and give them an ultimatum if I want our relationship to ever be healthy and if I want them to ever treat my girlfriend right. Basically, they need to get their act together or I’ll have to stop talking to them until they do. And that, unfortunately, could mean that I never speak to my parents again. But if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. I can’t take the emotional abuse anymore.

Unfortunately, about a week ago my girlfriend told me we need to take a break. Basically I had transferred my dependence from my parents onto her (and she had, in part, enabled that because she “liked feeling needed”), and I had become too clingy and began smothering her. I also have a lot of insecurities that I took no action to get over and unintentionally blew her off whenever she tried to help me (ie. her telling me that she loves how I look when I say I wish I weren’t fat, even though I’m not fat and she wouldn’t have been with me if she didn’t love me). She also felt like she was figuring out who she was and what she wanted in life and what her beliefs were, but that I had stalled and that, because of that, we were becoming too different. And I totally agree, because I made no effort to try to maintain any self-improvements that I started.

So yeah, we’re currently on a break and I’ve been really struggling with it. I personally think that, if given one more chance with her, we can make our relationship work and we’ll be closer than ever. But right now, I have to focus on myself and give her all of the space she needs to figure things out on her own (and in turn use that space to figure myself out). So I told her that I cannot text her, call her, snap her, go to her apartment, etc. until she’s ready and I’m ready to talk about us. So basically, I’m having to treat this like a full break-up, even though there’s a good chance we could end up together.

In terms of why I think we can get back together, I have a few reasons. She didn’t give me a deadline to prove to her that I’m better because she wants me to find out who I am and not who I think she wants me to be. She told me that she wants me to take the summer to work on myself, but the summer is not the deadline. It’s whenever I feel good about who I am. She told me she loves me and is excited to see where this goes, so that’s hopeful. And she said that she felt that if we had kept going as we had been, we’d have no chance of getting back together because the relationship would be too broken. So again, kind of encouraging words despite the fact that our relationship was struggling before now. Also her parents (and dogs) adore me and want the best for both of us, and would love to see us back together if that is what’s best. She’s also a very blunt, no bullshit person, so I feel like she would’ve just broken up with me if she wasn’t willing to give me another shot. So basically her wording and how long we’ve been together/how much we’ve been through together give me hope for our future. There are more reasons, but they get too personal and nuanced to make sense to anyone who doesn’t know her or our relationship personally, so I’ll spare you guys that (you guys who are really close to me on here can feel free to message me if you really want to know, but I won’t ask you to if you don’t want to).

In terms of signs she doesn’t want to get back together, there are less but they’re fucking me up more because I can’t handle uncertainty. The other day she gave me back a couple shirts I had lent her and a pair of slippers I left at her place. At first this scared the hell out of me, but I later began to think of it as a way for her to clear her mind. If her space is free of me, then her mind can be too and she can focus on herself better instead of getting sad whenever she sees something that reminds her of me and how happy we were once. Another thing is the fact that I asked her if she would be willing to give me another shot when I felt like I was ready and improved, and she said “Honestly, I don’t know. We aren’t there yet.” Which obviously is hard to hear, but she also isn’t one to make rash decisions and trap herself in a corner. And one more thing requires you to know that she hates Facebook. Saturday we were still officially “in a relationship” on her Facebook page. As of Sunday, we are not. This means she had to actively decide to do this, get on her computer, log into Facebook, go into her settings, and remove me. I was absolutely devastated at first, but then I began to look at it like the shirts thing again. Maybe she’s just trying to make me think about who I would be without our relationship and she’s trying to do the same for herself. Labels mean a lot, and being practically single may help her with that. It still scares me though. She also unfollowed me on Instagram, which is scaring the shit out of me because we had some romantic photos together on her account and now I can’t see if she left them up because her account has always been a private one. She’s also going off to grad school a year earlier than I will (she’s a year younger than me, but our degrees worked out funny), so I think she’s nervous about what would happen to us once she graduates. She’s also only 19 (she’s almost 20, but she’s technically still a teenager for now). She’s always been mature for her age, but I think she might be scared about the fact that she doesn’t have all the answers right now. Maybe my level of commitment to her started to freak her out, similarly to how a bride might begin to freak out just before (or on) her wedding day. We’re only kids, so lifelong commitment is hard to conceptualize for us. I know I want to be with her for as long as I can, and I know she has said the same thing to me, but fear strikes everyone at some point. Maybe she just needs time to sort her feelings out. She told me that she wasn’t sure if she ever wanted to get married or have kids, and that she knows that I have at least considered both of those. 

I’m really scared and worried about all of this, but I have to try to remain positive. All I can do is give her time and space to think things through on her own and do the same for myself. If she truly loves me, she’ll come back. I just have to let her see that I love her and miss her, but can also live on my own without freaking out. She says she doesn’t want me to change to please her, or wait for her to be ready, because she doesn’t want to deprive me of my life. But I can tell you this: I have never loved anyone like I have her, and I would do anything for her. Not because it would please her, but because I love her. Someone asked me what it was I liked about her and I couldn’t help but get one of those cheesy grins and say “She just makes me happy, man.” Corny, I know, but it’s true. I really couldn’t do anything to stop smiling like an idiot. I think she really might be The One, but I have to be willing to accept that she may not feel the same way about me right now. I just have to have hope that we’ll be together again, but not expect us to. Because a surprise like that will make things all the sweeter. 

If by some weird chance she remembered my tumblr username and is reading this, I have this to say: I love you, I miss you, and I understand why this is necessary for us to grow. I hope to be with you again soon so that I can show you how much better a man I’ll become; not just for you, but for myself. Maybe we’ll be ready at the end of the summer, maybe it’ll take longer, maybe it’ll never happen. All I know is that I love you and that you are more than worth the wait.

Tagging friends in case they see this long post and don’t think it’s important: @geekyzelda, @darthkerri, @neko-otaku13, @firedragonalchemistofcourage and @starstruckkittengladiator (I know I’ve been texting you about this, but I think this is a good summary of all my thoughts so hopefully I won’t have to bother you with it anymore)

If anyone has anything they want to tell me - advice, etc. - feel free to message me. I could use more friends right now.

[fyperia]

why i am angsty™ this week

@questionably-gay

so there’s this guy i’ve been talking to. we go to school together, he’s a year ahead of me in the same major so we’ve had a number of classes together over the last few semesters. we’re also both huge nerds (expected in a game dev program) and play a lot of the same games so we were what you might call “friends”

i will say, we’d been getting pretty close over the last month or two; he’s fairly attractive, responds to being sassed with equal or greater sass, is pretty good at overwatch and wow (but not better than me, so i can still shit talk him), and Definitely Not A Neckbeard. or so i thought? not sure on that one anymore.

tl;dr boy i was moderately interested turns out to be kind of an ass, freaks out that i don’t answer his message and deletes me from everything.

i won’t bore you with the details, but here’s a list of the offending topics i failed to connect as they happened, under a nice readmore because holy hell it’s long:

-when i said i was reporting someone after a sexual assault joke was made during a match of overwatch, asked what i was reporting him for

-his brothers made a lot of Not Funny ‘jokes’ while we were on discord (that I heard over his open mic) and he never really responded to them but he did always laugh at them

-didn’t understand why blizzard “had to go and make tracer gay, i mean was it really necessary for them to do that?” until i was like well i’m bi and i think it’s pretty cool that they did that (he shut up about it and then got quiet whenever people would be excited about it in front of him)

-when symmetra was confirmed as autistic, he told me this. conversation was basically: “so symmetra is autistic” “people didn’t know that?” “i dunno, but they just announced it” “yes and?” “she’s autistic” “ok so?” “i dunno, she’s autistic” “what’s your point?” “the character, not the people who play her” “....” (someone else changed the subject at that point, i was just too caught off guard to respond)

-not really an Offense™ but some more explanation before i get to the end: i’m really terrible about answering messages. always have been. i have a lot of things going on with my brain so if i am not in messaging mode/mood i just will ignore non-essential messages, especially when i’m trying to catch up on school work i’ve fallen behind on due to said brain things. for a week or so i barely answered his messages, though i always made an effort to at least reply with like a sticker or a gif whenever he sent me something. after a few days of that he sent me The Dreaded Message: “hey are we ok?”

-i did not answer this message. i did not open this message. this message gave me way too much anxiety (and it was a weekend that i had someone visiting from out of state, so i was not prepared to deal with it right then.) less than twenty-four hours later, he sent a followup: “guess not :/”

-so i was pressured to explain the state of my mental health, why i forget to answer messages and then get anxiety about answering them late, why i am often too depressed to answer, etc. so that he would not feel personally targeted by my lack of response. it was honestly the most open i have ever been with anyone who is not one of my closest friends or s.o. about my mental health. because, i figured, we were friends so he deserved to know why i was being unresponsive.

-he sends back an equally large wall of text explaining why he gets anxiety about being ignored or w/e and how unlucky he’s been with relationships in the past and he just doesn’t want to screw it up because he always thinks it’s something he did. i’m like ok, i understand, but you need to bear with me because i usually just Can Not from february to april. he agrees. we’re good again. at this point when we’re in the computer lab at the same time he begins sitting next to me instead of across from me as we play my horse prince together (amazing game btw, check it out for mobile devices, a+++ localization)

-at some point he discovered i’m ticklish and decided it’s funny to tickle me. i don’t really think it’s funny! poke me in an area that i’m ticklish, sure, ok, that can be funny, but do not continue. that’s just rude. especially when i constantly tell you to not do that please. jeez.

-here’s the event that was my actual last spoon for this shit. i was in the middle of an all-weekend meeting for the rules design for the larp i play. (he knew this, because i talked about it a lot with him, as a fellow nerd, and he recently played an event with us.) i had also recently posted a humorous status update on facebook (which he saw and liked) making fun of myself for wanting to talk to people but never answering any messages i receive. he sends me a message like “can i ask you something?”

-although i am busy i fire back a “sure what’s up” assuming i can get to it whenever i have the chance as per our previous agreement. this was apparently not the case. he asked me if i wanted to go do a thing that i was just not prepared to be asked. (nothing major, this one actually wasn’t any fault on his part. knowing my interests, you would assume it was a thing i want to do.)

-however, i had/have been recently in a slump about a certain person who i miss very dearly unfollowing me on tumblr and just generally not talking to me ever. as this was a thing she and i had promised we would do together, but never got around to before falling out of touch, i got really upset about it. like had to compartmentalize to finish my meeting but had like three complete breakdowns over the next few days about it, i was an utterly inconsolable mess, missed work and class the next day, i don’t know how i managed to pull myself through class on that tuesday, i think i told everyone i was sick? i don’t often go out without at least filling in my eyebrows, but i was an Unshowered Mess for a few days. it was gross. i felt gross. (i stopped feeling gross after the person in question accepted my insta follow request and i just decided to tell myself she probably unfollowed me on tumblr when i wasn’t posting for a while. i still have not fortified to message her. i am a weenie but i will get there eventually. baby steps?)

-every other hour for about thirty six hours, i got a “?” or some derivative thereof from this boy in question. like “you there?” “hey you’re cute” “tooooori” etc. but i was legit super busy and ignoring literally everyone, and also trying to not have a panic attack about the last bullet point up there^. it was really obnoxious but i didn’t really know how to say “hey your question triggered a very bad response from me so that’s probably not something i want to go do with you” for whatever reason. probably because i knew in my brainspace that he would not take anything with the word “triggered” in it seriously.

-and then the glorious last straw: because i hadn’t answered (in under forty-eight hours, mind you, it was still the weekend) he sent a message that was just “*autistic screeching*” and i was like ..............................................

-i did not know how to answer this. i did not know how to list this entire rant i have written here and be like “wow, are you secretly an asshole?” because wow. i was literally stunned. so i didn’t answer.

-cue me skipping school on monday because of aforementioned response to the question and not wanting to interact with him. he did not show up in my computer lab (which i work in) for the last three weeks.

-cut to yesterday morning: i got a text from one of the officers in my wow guild (and a very dear friend) asking why he quit the guild. i was like huh, that’s weird. i also noticed he had left a facebook group chat that he was in with me, though the chat had served its use and was done with weeks before. so i go and check around, to discover he’s unfriended me on facebook, unfollowed me on insta, deleted me from battlenet, and of course quit the guild. (he joined only a few months ago, at my encouragement to switch servers and raid with us. should've known not to trust him, he’s horde.) he probably blocked my number too, though i haven’t checked because honestly? i don’t really care. i explained this all to my friend who asked me about it and we made fun of him for like half an hour. we had a good laugh about it. very therapeutic. i’m not even upset, i think it’s hilarious that we’re apparently in fifth grade.

[lacertae-dreamscape]

i appear to have a rather bad sort of streak with friendships and it makes me wonder if the problem truly is *me* since i’m the common denominator in all these failed friendships

(except with that one toxic person. i still have fears about that sometimes so then i list the shittiest things they did to me to remind myself that it wasn’t my fault)

but like

it seems there’s this common thread where i get really close with a person, good friends, it’s great, we seem to get along really well and talk often and have fun and are close

and then they suddenly just... disappear or stop talking to me. and with some of them i try to create a point of contact like ‘you respect my need for more contact and i respect your need to be aloof when you need it’ and it was doable

but then they just stop respecting that and disappear

maybe they come back once every handful of months to drop me a link on tumblr, and brush me off when i ask if we’re still friends, they say they have their trouble and they love me, but i literally never talk w them, and it makes me feel shitty because ths isn’t really how friendship works for me, but im stuck there because i feel like they still could come back and rely on me so i hope

maybe they just don’t come back at all, half a year passes before i hear from someone else they still keep contact with that they’re fine, they just ignore *me* despite me attempting often to talk w them. so i cut all contact but they still follow me, and then a year passes and i realise they also unfollowed me, no further contact, nothing, and i still feel pain despite my attempt to cut them off when they did it first. (this is the reason i’m making this post btw)

maybe they stop talking and lie about trying to contact me to a third party, so without explanation our friendship ends, and i’m left wondering what happened

maybe i hear from them every few months or so, but it’s a fleeting contact and nowhere near what it was before, so i only feel like i’ve been given a small sample of something i used to get a lot of that doesn’t sate me and just makes me ache inside with melancholy

what did i do wrong, when people who were so great and special and said they loved me dearly for years just up and left

(that’s four different people whom i loved dearly)

(and then there’s the ‘maybe could have been a good friend but i got suddenly really bad vibes from the way they act towards me after three months of no contact so no this time im doing the cutting before i get too deep and it hurts)

(and there’s the toxic person. over 3 years and it still feels somewhat fresh)

(they all feel fresh no matter how much time passes)

(also the reason my anxiety went up up up where before it was manageable and why i fear every person i get close to will drop me and go away since all these were good friends who promised they would never leave and then they just. did. i still hope and connect w people and put myself out there to find more friends but i feel a lot more washed out n shit, depression doesn’t help either)

i just don’t understand and i don’t think i ever will and i just have to learn to live around the holes they left in my chest. ugh.