#if youre gonna exist at least just be like. a figurehead. and stop being fucking weird.

[pseudophan]

honestly they were disrespectful to themselves. they let it get completely out of hand for a MONTH. the palace did this to themselves

yeah... look nobody will get me to agree with people being like 'conspiracy theorists have gone too far' 'you've all been disrespectful towards catherine' 'there was never a reason for any of this' 'you should be ashamed for what you said' etc etc etc. because like... first of all, again, i hold zero respect for these people. why the fuck should i. but even if i did... it's their own fucking fault???? the fuck?????? lmao?????????? literally only a handful of people gave a fuck until that doctored photo. and then they just kept making it worse. and i'm sorry but i actually don't think they're entitled to their privacy when their entire job is pr and they're blatantly lying in all their pr shit like ? what else are you good for lol. but then that also makes me angry because as much as i don't like kate for several reasons i'm still a bit genuinely offended at her behalf for how they've handled all this shit.. like making her take the blame for the photoshop (i hope for her sake it was her own idea, because otherwise........), having her appear alone in the video announcing her cancer (why tf isn't william there when she's talking about how he's by her side lmao), the general just lack of giving a fuck about anything whilst the world went wild theorising about her.... i can't tell whether she's taking the fall to cover for something else or if they're just all absolute assholes ?? again like. i don't like kate middleton. for many reasons. but i like william and charles a whole lot less and it's infuriating that they're making me feel like she's been wronged lmao

[irkenheretic]

A Found Family AU With The Control Brains Could Actually Work, And Here’s Why

This all started as a spite-born joke, but honestly the more that I thought about it, the better it sounded to me. 

First off, this meta is gonna be going purely off canon materials. I will interpret certain lines to mean certain things, but there’ll be an alternate explanation if you don’t agree with that interpretation. 

Second, this meta is going to assume that the Control Brains are three- or more- separate entities. Which is actually supported because of this line:

Singular pronoun! 

Now that that’s out of the way, I’m gonna be judging this by a three-part metric, and going into what we actually know (and don’t know) about the Control Brains. (Spoilers: We don’t know much, and the most popular idea of their role in the Empire is pure fanon.)

Metric one is Do these characters like each other? (And if not, could these characters realistically like each other in the future?)

And judging by The Trial, I’d say... yes, actually! They seem to get along just fine. First off, they’re able to cooperate enough to conduct trial without fighting. Second, they don’t seem to be putting up with each other and act on amicable terms.

YMMV, but I see these lines as them quipping with each other. It’s kinda subtle, and lost in the fact that they both speak in monotone, but they seem kinda snarky in the same way Zim’s computer is. 

(And if they were annoyed by each other, we’d know- the Brains are capable of expressing emotions like annoyance, we see them get ticked off at Zim multiple times.)

And even if they didn’t like each other, or are only presenting as friendly to keep public image up, they could still feasibly like each other. The main appeal of ZADR/ZADF is that both Zim and Dib dislike each other but are in similar societal positions, with unique experiences that only the other can relate to. Therefore they could learn to connect using that shared experience. And whatever experience the Control Brains have being Control Brains, the only other beings that share that experience are other Brains. They’d end up getting along out of sheer desperation, at some point. You can’t spend eternity with someone and not like them at least a little eventually.

Which brings us to metric two: Do these characters deserve a family at all?

Again, I actually would argue yes. Hear me out.

So, it’s a popular (albeit unspoken) opinion in fandom that “good” characters deserve nice things like a family, and “bad” characters don’t. If you’re a fan of redemption arcs, the scope of what is a “good” character broadens, but there are still some characters even the most open-hearted of redemption-lovers won’t touch. The Control Brains, across the board, seem to fall into the latter category every single time. 

But what have they actually done wrong? Like, canonically.

In The Trial, they conduct Zim’s Existence Evaluation. This is their job and we can infer they’ve done it before.

In The Frycook What Came From All That Space, we see one of them re-encode Zim from Invader to Frycook. 

In Tak: The Hideous New Girl, one of them doesn’t let Tak retake her test.

And that’s it.

“But they rule the entire Empire-” Nope, that’s just fanon!

“But the Zim Wiki says-” In the words of Eric Trueheart, "The Invader ZIM fandom wiki is a wonderful labor of love by some very dedicated people, but it's wrong at least 25% of the time."

But fine. Let’s look at exactly what the Zim Wiki says. From the page of the Control Brains themselves, it says that the “Control Brains run the empire and their conclusions even have to be accepted by the Tallest, which means that the Tallest have no real authority over the people of Irk, and are simply figureheads (not unlike a constitutional monarchy).”

But when do we see this? Well, during the end of The Trial, the Tallest have no power to overturn their ruling. 

But do you know what that sounds like?

A FUCKING JUDGE.

If the President goes on trial, he still has to defer to the judge. That doesn’t mean that the judge is secretly in control of America and that the President is just a puppet on strings. It just means that the judge is doing his job and the President isn’t running around completely unchecked. (Please refrain from making the obvious President jokes on this post. I get it, I hate him too, but... please lemme have this post.)

There is no real evidence in the show proper to suggest that the Control Brains are all-powerful tyrants and that the Tallest are at their mercy.

And, really, would you talk like that to someone that held your life in their cold, unfeeling robot arms?

So, bottom line is, the Control Brains in the show act like judge, jury, and executioner in trials. That’s it, that’s all they do. Just because they’re called the Control Brains doesn’t mean they control everything. They could just control the trials. “Controller” could be the Irken word for “Judge,” and that’s where the name was derived from. Mechanical judges. 

“But they’re still defending awful things!” Okay, I see your point there, random person I made up to argue with on my meta post.

Which begs the question: Why? Why are the Brains acting like that? 

Well, they’re computers, right? Computers built to serve a purpose, and their purpose is this. That’s it, right? But they’re sentient. If they didn’t like it, they could protest! The fact that they don’t protest makes them complicit, and Bad Characters, right?

Guys... they’re computers.

What do you do to a computer that stops working the way you want it to?

We don’t know what the Brains think about their job. They could love it, they could hate it, they could see it as a necessary evil, they could be completely apathetic after centuries of doing it (if they’re even that old, which again, is not confirmed.)

But IF they didn’t like it... the hell are they supposed to do about it? They’re important pieces of machinery, possibly swarmed by techs ready to correct any sign of them not working right. They could have some sort of programmed-in limitation to keep them obedient. They could’ve tried, with disastrous results. They’re not like Zim. They can’t just quit. They’re computers rooted in place, closely watched for defects, and they have nowhere to go.

(And even if they did leave, who would take them in? Where could they go? Even if they downloaded themselves into PAKs or into robot bodies, the adjustment period from being a giant invulnerable heavily guarded computer to something that needs to actually fend for itself would be maddening and possibly dangerous.)

And honestly? I love Zim to bits, but he did wreck the planet and he did deserve exile. They’re just carrying out the sentence. He did cause many many disasters in Irk’s history. Plus, the Tallest were the ones that trialed him in the first place, but they have fans!

The worst thing they’ve done, unprovoked, is not let Tak retake her test. Or, more specifically, they made her wait to retake the test. We don’t even know why! Did they go “You couldn’t even get out of a room so we don’t want to send you to an enemy planet?” Did they go “You have to wait because half of Devastis is down and we’re working on half-power and half the space?” We don’t know! We literally do not know! (Plus that was only one of them.)

And I’m gonna say it: if Zib “I’m going to strand and brainwash Zims in order to commit multidimensional genocide” Membrane deserves a family, then so do the Control Brains because at least they didn’t do THAT in ACTUAL CANON.

There’s no good transition to metric three, so I’m just gonna say it: Do these characters want a family?

This part is short: We don’t know. 

They could think the idea of a family is stupid and antiquated. They could not know what a family is at all. They could want a family. They could see the entire Empire as their family. They could already see each other as a family. 

We don’t know! The concept of a family never comes up during their appearances, so we have no way to know their thoughts on the subject.

Good thing fandom is transformative and we can make headcanons n’junk! (And really, who doesn’t love a good old-fashioned “character/characters don’t want a family and are gruff and standoffish but over time warm up to the others and they end up super close” found family story?)

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. Also that the Control Brains are pretty funny characters in The Trial. 

I just like these guys a lot and I wish other people explored them more outside of the “these are the token evil badguys” role they fill every. Single. TIME.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. 

[partlycharlie-archive]

(we ain’t) got no time

chapter one: #fuckhydra #fuckpanicattacks link to chapter two

summary: “Thanks, Shellhead,” Winter mutters, and Tony is once again startled, this time by the unhindered sound of Winter’s voice. He probably should’ve realized, especially considering he was the one who has created the technology, but Winter’s voice modulation is controlled with the mask, meaning that the voice he just heard is Winter’s normal speaking tone. Fuck. It’s fucking gorgeous. word count: 3,513 warnings: panic attack, mention of torture & rape a/n: this was my fic for the @capreversebb ! thanks so much to my amazing artist @massivespacewren and my beta @capolleon <3 love you guys

art!

read on ao3

It starts with…

Well.

It starts with a fall.

A bit more of a literal fall than most falls at the beginning of a story, but a fall nonethe-

Wait.

No.

No, no, no.

Sorry. Wrong timeline.

Anyway -

It starts with a kidnapping. To be fully accurate - not a kidnapping, per say. A little bit less common than a kidnapping (just a little bit), but still very exciting.

So. Setting up the scene:

Picture this: The Asset, sitting in The Chair (as one does, of course), long brown hair flowing majestically past its (because Assets don’t get human pronouns, obviously) shoulders -

(Just kidding, the Asset hasn’t showered in like 60 years, so.)

- long brown hair flowing greasily past its shoulders, hiding its face from view. Handcuffs (metal, but, like, reinforced, obviously, because the Asset has Mad Strength) attached to its arms and legs. The annoying as fuck domino mask still attached to the bottom half of its face (because fuck talking, am I right?). Naked.

No joke - just. Full on naked. Dick hanging out, hairy legs, emasculated stomach, the whole deal. The Asset doesn’t generally get clothes when it’s not on a mission, because its Handlers either hate him or have really weird (or fucked up? AND fucked up) kinks.

Or both?

Ew.

Anyway.

Also: Brock Rumlow (a.k.a Certified AssholeTM) standing in front of it, arms crossed across his chest.

(His muscles bulging, because even Certified AssholesTM work out.)

Rumlow (who will now be known as Handler One because… Asset logic) is talking about the mission, probably. The Asset is listening, of course, probably taking notes in its mind or something (like a nerd), when something interesting is said.

“… and this’ll be a long-term mission, you got it?” Handler One redirects his attention to the agents standing behind The Chair (and yes, The Chair will be keeping those capital letters, thank you very much, reader) and fixes a narrow-eyed glare upon them.

(Is it racist to think he looks oddly Asian like that?

Yeah, yeah it is.

Wait, isn’t his grandfather Japanese?

Besides the point.)

“It’ll be your job to make sure it doesn’t malfunction, yeah? I shouldn’t have to tell you that more time without a wipe equals more memories, so you’re going to need to go for some sort of Dominance Establishment every week or so. Think you assholes can handle it?”

The agents nod quickly, heads bobbing like those little action figures with disproportionately large  heads. Figureheads? Head-bobbles? Bobbleheads? Whatever.

“Alright,” Handler One says, eyebrows twitching momentarily. “Get him suited up. Let’s go.” The Asset is lifted out of The Chair by two of the agents standing behind it.

(What the hell is up with that malfunction, by the way? The Asset needs to get its shit together, honestly.)

“Should we hose it down?” Agent One asks with a raised eyebrow. Handler One shrugs.

“May as well.”

Ugh.

 ---

 After The Asset has been hosed down (always a fun experience, with the freezing water and all), it’s dressed in the customary armor. It takes the guns laid out in front of it and places them in the concealed holsters, grenades in the holders along its waist, knives in the sheathes hidden in its boots and sleeves and torso and pants and -

You get the point.

According to Handler One, this mission is an in-and-out - in New York - Manhattan, specifically -

(Brooklyn’s better, but it guesses it can deal with the city.)

(Wait, what?)

- on the East Coast of the United States.

A minor government official, supposedly covering as one while in reality being the head of an organization called the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division (more commonly known as SHIELD by those aware of its existence). Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury, known as Nick Fury by associates. Despite his title, a severe lack of security has been noticed - possibly because of his capabilities as a military official, possibly because of the need to maintain his cover.

The Asset’s job is not to kill (fortunately, as killing tends to lead to an odd churning in its chest area), but to only temporarily injure and (if possible) tranquilize, leading to the kidnapping of Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury. If all goes well, its mission will result in the conversion of Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury into a Hydra agent, used as a double agent to further infiltrate SHIELD.

The Asset tugs on the sleeves of its suit, futilely attempting to straighten out the wrinkles in the crisp white shirt caused by the plates of its metal arm. It smooths down the lines of its slacks, adjusts the way the socks slide into the dress shoes (uncomfortable as they are), and uses the black hairband provided to it to tie its hair into what is referred to in modern culture as a "man-bun". It is suddenly reminded of red hair, pulled tightly into a - ballerina bun?

To be ignored.

 ---

The Asset is transported via Agents One through Five into what Handler Two calls a "Quinjet", a flying device piloted by Agents Three and Four, with Agent One to its right and Agent Two sitting in a reclined position across from it.

"Why the hell did Rumlow decide we all needed to be here, again?"

Agent Two responds in kind. "Fuck if I know. The bitches in Asset Chem told Rumlow it gets aggressive when it goes too long without a wipe or something." Agent One nods.

"So what, you think he wants us here to fuckin' secure it if it goes wild? Guy's gotta know we can't take it when it gets like that, Jesus Christ."

Hell yeah, you can't, crosses its mind, and then abruptly -

Where the hell did that come from?

To be ignored.

 ---

 The Asset pulls at the cuffs of its stark white sleeves, face twitching at the way the cuffs itch against its skin.

“Oh - fuck, bro.” Agent Two glances up from his tablet.

“Yeah?” he asks, eyebrow twisting in confusion. “What’s up?”

“Are we gonna have to cut his fucking hair?”

Fuck.

 ---

 Hair freshly shortened (shunned? Shorned? Cut. It was fucking cut.), the Asset cringes at the way the tiny hairs feel against its neck when it shakes its head back and forth and back and forth -

It forcibly stops the movement of its head, holding both of its hands to the sides of its heads to stop the almost subconscious shaking.

Phew. Much better.

 ---

 The lights were too bright, so the Asset (“Alexander Davidson” for tonight - but “his” friends all call him Alex, so everyone he meets should too) pulls out the sunglasses stowed in the lining of his jacket and slips them on. If it had the added benefit of hiding nervous eyes from the agents, who were almost definitely looking for an excuse to practice their BDSM bullshit (wait - BDSM? The Asset… probably shouldn’t know what that is) on him, well. It couldn’t hurt, right?

Yes, it could. Oh well.

“Fury’s out on your seven, Asset,” Agent Two says into his microphone. The Asset readjusts its earpiece (manipulated to look like a hearing aid in order to allay suspicion) to show that he heard.

“… and we said, ‘If the U.N. won't remove those landmines, we will.’ And we personally dug up over a thousand unexploded land mines from the area surrounding the orphanage.”

The Asset smiles widely, pulling out the Brooklyn charm it knew so well. “That’s… wow, Rachel, that’s amazing.”

Wait. Brooklyn charm?

To be ignored.

Rachel smiles demurely in return, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “Thank you so much! What did you say you did, Alexander?”

The Asset is probably supposed to say something like “Please, call me Alex,” maybe accompanied by a wink, or a lascivious smile, or something along those lines, but honestly it can’t be bothered.

Instead, it brushes a hand through its (unbearably short, this is ridiculous) hair, shrugging mildly. “I have a minor position in the government. Nothing big, though -” it leans in close as if sharing a secret, and Rachel’s eyes widen, “- I have met the president.”

Technically, it isn’t even a lie. He did meet the president, but it was less meeting and more observing through a rifle scope, and the president wasn’t alive by the time the meeting was over.

Yes, the Asset killed the president. Any problems?

It doesn’t think so.

“Wow, really?” Rachel lays a ring-adorned hand on her chest, leaning back as if to confirm the honesty of the Asset’s statement (by looking into its eyes? Okay, sure.)

(Also. This woman is married and trying to pick up Alexander Davidson? Jesus Christ.)

Her eyes crinkles. “What’s he like?” she asks, her head bobbing a little.

The Asset’s eyebrows raise, and it considers its words. Who’s the president right now? There’s something important about him, too…

Ah! Obama, Barack Hussein. The first black one, at least for America.

What a backwards country.

“He’s nice. Very - honest? Yes. Honest. A good man, I’d say.”

Rachel smiles widely, the red lipstick on her teeth shining brightly in the lights of the party. “Oh, well, I’d hope so - he is our president after all!”

It glances off to the side. Don’t jinx it, Rachel.

“… right. Well. I’m so sorry, but I’m afraid I must go… mingle some more.” It gives her the most sincere apologetic smile it can muster (which isn’t much, to be honest), and turns away as fast as it can.

“Mister… Davidson, am I right?” The Asset glances around hurriedly, and - there, on it’s three - Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury.

“Yes, that’s me,” it says, smiling widely.

(Not too widely - the Asset had been given lessons on how to smile properly in certain situations after almost ruining a mission because “it smiled like a fuckin’ psycho, Jesus Christ”.)

“And you are - Nicholas Fury?”

“Yes. You, though - you can call me Nick.”

Damn it. The Asset knows it should’ve given that line to Rachel. It would’ve worked like a charm, just like it is for Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury.

Wait. Is it working? What is Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury trying to accomplish here?

Is this mission turning into a honeypot?

“Holy fuck, this mission is turning into a honeypot!” Agent One’s nasal voice blasts through the comms. The Asset winces, reaching up to its ear to lower the painful volume.

Colonel Nicholas Joseph Fury frowns. “Is everything okay? Mr. Davidson?”

“Please - Alex is fine,” it says, shaking its head as if to shake away flies.

“No worries - my hearing aid went a little rough, sorry.”

“Asset - Asset, you have to fuck him!”

Agent One snorts, soft in the Asset’s ear. “See - oh my god, Asset - ha, see if you can get a visual!”

It tunes them out.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Would you rather talk somewhere more… quiet, then?”

The Asset’s smile is almost genuine.

“Of course.”

 ---

 five years later

It starts with…

Well.

It starts with a fall.

A bit more of a literal fall than most falls at the beginning of a story, but a fall nonetheless.

You see, dear reader, Tony Stark is a genius.

(Real facts right here.)

As a genius, it’s part of his job to think of solutions to problems nobody else would even be able to dream of.

Yes, he’s serious - it’s in the job description. Look it up.

At any rate, Tony spends a shit load of time, figuring out solutions (too much time, if you listen to Pepper - but Pepper’s not the (only) one keeping the board happy, so Tony usually doesn’t bother).  His most recent stroke of genius?

Altitude trackers.

Altitude. Trackers.

!!!!

Like a regular tracker, right? But with altitude, too!

Are you clapping yet?

No?

Well.

Oh - you don’t understand why!

Of course.

As you have almost certainly noticed by now, the non-flying Avengers (and even sometimes the flying ones - damn it, Sam!) have started habitually jumping off buildings, apparently with the (totally and absolutely ridiculous) assumption that someone would be available to catch them before they fell to their DEATH.

Sure, they’d been lucky so far, but certain… events, let’s say, had convinced him it was only a matter of time.

 ---

 “Ew.” Tony’s nose crinkles severely as he examines the slime on his suit. The comms crackle suddenly, and Clint’s voice floods into his ear.

“Listen, y’all - ew, Jesus - as long as you don’t - oh my God, eugh, holy shit - get any of the slime on your skin, you’ll be fine. Probably.”

Tony snorts. He blasts up into the air and shakes his body furiously, something about the action reminding him of a dog, as he watches with a sort of morbid fascination as the specks of slime come flying off him.

“What exactly happens when the slime gets on you?” he asks, landing softly back down on the ground (and on top of a dead slug, ew).

There’s a hesitation coming from the other end, but finally Steve speaks.

“Well. You start, um. Throwing up slugs.”

Jesus Christ.

Someone reads too much Harry Potter in their free time.

“Yikes. Be sure to avoid that, then.”

Tony finds himself settling into a sort of rhythm: repulsor blast, gunshot, building jump rescue (the assholes), then a flight to a different area to start the whole process all over again. He’d just fired off a repulsor blast towards one of the slugs when -

“WINTER!”

Tony swivels around and - there, right behind him, the Winter Soldier free falling from a building half a mile away from him. He glances around as quick as he can, but there’s no sign of anyone who can stop Winter’s fall.

He starts flying -

Ten seconds until arrival.

Two thousand feet and six inches to impact.

Nine seconds until arrival.

One thousand eight hundred eighteen feet and seven inches to impact.

- just a little bit farther -

Eight seconds until arrival.

One thousand six hundred thirty six feet and nine inches to impact.

Seven seconds until arrival.

One thousand four hundred fifty four feet and eleven inches to impact.

- and he can see the fear pooling in Winter’s eyes -

Six seconds until arrival.

One thousand two hundred seventy three feet and one inch to impact.

Five seconds until arrival.

One thousand ninety one feet and two inches to impact.

- his heart pounding in his ears -

Four seconds until arrival.

Nine hundred nine feet and four inches to impact.

- and he pushed the blasters just a little bit farther -

Three seconds until arrival.

Seven hundred twenty seven feet and five inches to impact.

- come on come on come on -

Two seconds until arrival.

Five hundred forty five feet and seven inches to impact.

- and -

One second until arrival.

Three hundred sixty three feet and nine inches to impa-

“Gotcha,” he murmurs, catching Winter with one metal-covered hand. He notices with a start that Winter’s mask (new and improved by yours truly) is hanging off by one strap attached to his right ear, but Winter’s hair is being blown into his face by the wind, so Tony isn’t too worried.

“Thanks, Shellhead,” Winter mutters, and Tony is once again startled, this time by the unhindered sound of Winter’s voice. He probably should’ve realized, especially considering he was the one who has created the technology, but Winter’s voice modulation is controlled with the mask, meaning that the voice he just heard is Winter’s normal speaking tone.

Fuck.

It’s fucking gorgeous.

All baritone and shit - God, Winter sounds like he just got out of bed. Maybe it’s the two-thousand-foot fall? Maybe he’s just surprised? Whatever it is, it sounds fucking amazing.

Tony can’t believe it’s been five years and that’s the first he’s heard of Winter’s voice.

He needs to hear that way more often.

 ---

 So.

Yeah.

He decided, right there and then, that he needed to make altitude trackers.

In his defense - that had been scary! Yeah, so he knew that people fell at an average of 181.86 feet per second, and that he was only around ten seconds away, and that at most he would’ve gotten to maybe 200 hundred feet above the ground before someone managed to catch him, but. Still.

At any rate, that’s what he’s doing. He had needed to redesign Clint’s armor at some point (after the slug incident, Clint had blatantly refused to wear armor that showed any skin below the face), and this provided the perfect excuse.

“J - give me some AC/DC.”

Shoot to Thrill starts blasting through the workshop speakers, and muscles that he didn’t even realize were tense start relaxing of their own volition.

“Okay, so… stretch vinyl for the sleeves, because of course he wants sleeves, maybe cotton for the legs? Cotton spandex maybe… I should give him a fucking ass cutout, see how much he likes that… maybe the tracker in the forearm stitching? No, his arm guards… maybe the middle of his chest? That’d probably be the most accurate…”

“Sir?”

Tony’s head jerked up from where it was stubbornly stationed, buried deep in holographic designs.

“Yeah?” After answering, Tony absentmindedly notes that the music’s volume has been turned down.

“The Winter Soldier is requesting entrance, Sir. Shall I allow him to enter?”

Tony waves a hand, already turning back to Clint’s armor designs. “Yeah, yeah, let ‘im in.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Tony registers the quiet noise of his workshop doors entering, but he doesn’t bother looking up just yet. When he does, though, he finds the soldier sitting on his ass (on the floor, no less), knees cradled to his chest and head buried in between his thighs.

Tony hurriedly grabs the digital notepad he had been using to take notes and scribbles something down.

@j wht tm dd he cm dwn

Bright blue words appear quickly, a ding sounding that would’ve alerted him to their presence if he hadn’t been staring intently at the screen.

~3:20 PM. Time now is 4:17 PM.

hw long bn sitting ?

~50 minutes.

“Shit”, he mutters, and scrambles over to where Winter is crouched.No response, but that’s okay.

“Hey, buddy,” he says in as calming a tone as he can manage, “I’m gonna rest my hand on your thigh, okay?”

He places his hand delicately on Winter’s thigh. Almost immediately, Winter’s hand - flesh, this one, which means it’s bad - grasps his, but Winter had taken his goggles off and Tony can see that his eyes are firmly clenched shut.

Without moving his hand from its precarious position, he arranges his legs into a more comfortable position, laying his other hand on top of Winter’s to sweep his thumb back and forth in a soothing gesture. He’s never done it before when the soldier is in the midst of one of his panic attacks, so he doesn’t know how it’ll affect him, but at this point (fifty minutes!) Tony’s willing to try anything?

“Winter? How you doin’?”

It takes a few seconds, Winter’s mouth opening and closing as he tries to find his voice, but finally he says, “Winghead.”

Tony has to hold back a cringe (Winter’s voice is hoarse as fuck) as he pushes himself off of the floor, already heading towards his private exit. “Yeah, yeah - of course, why would you - aha, yeah, yeah, I’ll go get him, he’ll be right back - here, sorry, yeah, okay.”

He slips quietly through the door in the back of his workshop, and the suit is already there waiting for him to step into it.

“Thanks, JARVIS,” he whispers, stepping carefully into the suit and watching as it closes around him. Holograms pop up around him as his faceplate closes, showing him his vitals and the dimensions of the room he’s in.

He opens the door again to find Winter in the same position, hand still resting on his thigh where Tony’s was before.

Ugh.

He stomps over, trying to be as quick as possible. “Hey Winter - y’ think maybe we should head on over to the couch?”

Winter nods, nothing more than a tiny shake of his head, and Tony picks him up almost immediately, easy as anything. He heads over to the couch he keeps in the workshop (usually for when he’s too tired to head up to his floor, though it does help for times like these) and sits down, placing Winter down to his right as gently as possible.

The soldier almost immediately curls up into Tony’s side (always surprising, considering his side is made of metal) and lays his hand (skin-and-bone, again) on Tony’s chest, right above the arc reactor. Almost without him thinking about it, the gauntlet on his left arm retracts, leaving his skin bare from hand to elbow. He grabs Winter’s hand and entwines his fingers with Tony’s own, resting their hands on his knees.

With Tony’s right arm free, he lays it across Winter’s shoulders and the soldier almost immediately curls his head into the junction between Tony’s armpit and chest. Tony’s mouth curls into a sappy smile (ew), and he almost tries to tamp it down before realizing that Winter can’t see it.

“Everything’s okay, sweetheart, everything’s fine.”

[gulescamisade]

Virginia:  Day 3

TAKODA: -they're all fueled up again and he's back to driving, but he's found another place for them to stop while he tries to figure out the best route to minnesota. he's noticed that a lot of major highways are blocked off by the military, so... it's probably best to avoid those. even if the condesce wants to toy with them as she is, there's no way of predicting anyone else's behavior.-

DEREK: -meanwhile, he's hovering around his brother. takes a seat next to him wherever he's at.- Hey.

DAVENFORTH: -He's been sitting here, thinking too much. Help him. At least his brother is here.- Sup

DEREK: ... I dunno about you but Ive been thinkin a lot about the news.

DAVENFORTH: Nah i havent thought about it even once in fact id forgotten about it entirely

DEREK: Yeah ok. 

DEREK: So whats your plan? I know youve got one.

PENNY: -slides closer from like two seats away- what news?

DAVENFORTH: What do you mean are you really asking me if im a bad enough dude to assassinate the presidents

DAVENFORTH: Because thats not even on the table look at every card and lo and behold it aint there conveniently missing like the last piece of the puzzle

DEREK: ... 

DEREK: -looks at penny- Dual juggalo presidents.

PENNY: ... -snrk- 

PENNY: yall just found out that happened?

DAVENFORTH: Yeah

DEREK: Cant say Ive had much opportunity to keep on top of all the bullshit goin down here.

PENNY: hoo boy well. 

PENNY: welcome to the new United States of Whatever.

RILEY: -she was dead asleep, and suddenly, she wakes up. sleeping on a party bus is great. she stretches a little before noticing that penny is talking to Derek and davenforth, but it's hard to know if it's a step forward or backward. which is why she's conveniently pretending to not pay attention but in reality is intensely eavesdropping-

DAVENFORTH: This is my united states of whatever

PENNY: -she still hasn't quite figured out that Derek is her Boy. she's been avoiding looking at Riley a little too much.- 

PENNY: and then up comes Zafo and Im like yo Zafo whats up hes like nothin and Im like thats cool.

PENNY: ok but really.

PENNY: the whole things a joke and everybody knows it.

PENNY: but not even a good one.

DAVENFORTH: Pretty dangerous joke

DAVENFORTH: Your new buddy back there finds their very existence offensive

PENNY: yeah well Im more scared of what were doing right now than the clowns sitting in the White House.

PENNY: literal clowns.

DAVENFORTH: Those clowns are a lot more dangerous than you think

RILEY: -why does jodie love the clowns so much-

PENNY: Im a lot more dangerous than they think.

PENNY: theyre just human anyway.

DAVENFORTH: Ill let you fight em then

DEREK: Yeah but. Humans appointed by the queen bee bitch herself no doubt. DEREK: Clearly theyre influencin the populous into a compliant lifestyle under her rule.

DAVENFORTH: Anyway i think we should make a pit stop on the way to minnesota

DAVENFORTH: Let condy were coming

PENNY: oh sure. PENNY: Id love to punch a juggalo in the dick.

DAVENFORTH: Well

DAVENFORTH: Thats good to hear

TAKODA: -glances back at them- UM... NOT TO EAVESDROP, BUT 1 TH1NK WE M1GHT HAVE TO PASS THROUGH D.C. ANYWAY... MOST OF THE H1GHWAYS ARE BLOCKED... ER. THERE ARE TOLLS, BUT, 1'VE BEEN AFRA1D TO... SEE WHAT 1T 1S THEY'RE CHARG1NG... TAKODA: BUT WE ARE CLOSE TO THE CAP1TAL... 1 GUESS WE M1GHT AS WELL... STOP THERE... -doesn't seem keen on the idea though-

HIGHBLOOD: to eavesdrop, weren't like it wasn't gonna already get up and goin on, bein in the middle of that route makes shit easier =Dueces from the back=

PENNY: WOOOOOO!!!!

DAVENFORTH: Kill the figureheads and send the heart a message

DAVENFORTH: She can be touched

PENNY: fuck troll booths GO JOHN WILKES BOOTH.

RILEY: -done with eavesdropping apparently- are we assassins now?

MAYOR: -produces a burger King crown and stomps on it on the floor. NO MASTERS. NO KINGS.-

DEREK: Lil dude knows whats up.

PENNY: YEEAAHHH BOIII.

DEREK: -to be fair riley some of us here have always been assassins.-

DAVENFORTH: -Sweats-

RILEY: -WELL I HAVENT-

QIRIN: =she has almost been assassinated several dozen times. does that count as experience?=

RILEY: -aside from assassinating the abstract concepts of family-

PENNY: -YOU DID SUCCEED AT THAT-

QIRIN: =ladies=

PENNY: so whats the plan? how are we doing it?

RILEY: anarchy.

HIGHBLOOD: you'll find the how's always changin sis HIGHBLOOD: best to do it, get it done cause ain't no event can be planned down

DAVENFORTH: Especially not with clowns in the mix

DAVENFORTH: Trust me we got this

PENNY: so were driving the party bus into the White House. got it.

TAKODA: (UHH...)

HIGHBLOOD: hell yeah

DAVENFORTH: Not quite but close

TAKODA: (OH... THAT'S A REL1EF... PROBABLY?)

RILEY: but still with a bang.

TAKODA: ST1LL... 1T WOULD PROBABLY BE ADV1SABLE, 1F WE HAD SOME K1ND OF PLAN, BEFORE WE ROLLED 1NTO THE CAP1TAL... -fidgets nervously-

RILEY: no plan. everyone for themselves. if our plans contradict each other's and we all die, oh well.

HIGHBLOOD: amen sis, everybody's gotta go sometime

RILEY: -oh my god he's being serious-

HIGHBLOOD: :o)

TAKODA: ...

RILEY: that is not actually what i think we should do.

RILEY: just putting that out there.

HIGHBLOOD: =Is he? Who knows= here i was under some mass assumption that the ones all up without alla that gumption and fight experience was gonna leap they asses into the fray wills n nills flung about

DEREK: -snickers. oops.-

RILEY: -unimpressed face at derek-

DEREK: -love u...-

RILEY: -UH HUH-

DEREK: -just winks-

RILEY: -acts like she's pushing her hair out of her face but she is only using her middle finger-

DAVENFORTH: I could probably get in easy enough by myself

DAVENFORTH: Doubt the security is much of anything

HIGHBLOOD: =sNRK, they really aren't much of anything he's sure=

RILEY: don't play the hero. -THIS AINT OVERWATCH AND YOU ARE NOT A BAD GENJI-

DAVENFORTH: Hardly playing hero

RILEY: then who's gonna be your backup?

DEREK: That would be me.

RILEY: then who's going to be YOUR back up?

DAVENFORTH: We got each others backs thats three sixty coverage

DAVENFORTH: We could take molly hes rowdy enough -That's you ghb-

HIGHBLOOD: i was already headed there but i could leave a trail for y'all :oP =eats nachos at=

PENNY: alright well I call dibs on the getaway bus.

RILEY: can we make sure my kid has a dad and an uncle and a...big clown guy by the time we leave D.C.? no stupid reckless shit.

DEREK: Baby please when have I ever been reckless?

PENNY: -side eyes-.........

PENNY: kid?

HIGHBLOOD: =eats these nachos and watches this=

RILEY: all the fucking time. -glances at penny- yeah. kid.

DEREK: --

DAVENFORTH: Pretty sure lif would kill me if i died

PENNY: -she's real quiet now, staring at the floor of the bus.-

RILEY: hilarious. -she notices penny's demeanor change and isn't quite sure why, but figuring out her sister now isn't as easy it was when sadness went away with hugs and singing made her happy-

PENNY: -She's working her jaw and tapping her foot as the seconds and the minutes go by, and then before long she hops up and rushes to the little bus bathroom, clanging the door shut behind her.-

DEREK: -watches her storm off- ... -looks back at riley-

RILEY: -also watches- well, shit.

DAVENFORTH: Damn

ROXANNE: -With the sound of the bus bathroom door shutting she starts to wake up from her nap in the back of the bus. Why people gotta be noisy.-

LIFERA: -probably snuggled up to Roxanne too. It's a cuddle nap party in the back of the bus.-

ROXANNE: -Sits up some more only to have the donuts GHB apparently stacked on her head while she was out topple onto her lap.- ........... -blinks at them.-

ROXANNE: -Also heck, fish queen is adorable, shes taking care not to wake her as she sits up and quietly stretches.-

HIGHBLOOD: =In which case Lifera has donuts on her horns=

ROXANNE: -That... is amusing.- ROXANNE: -Okay time to stretch her legs, she carefully gets up from the back of the bus snuggle pile and moves herself forward towards the rest of the awake people.- ROXANNE: -Sits and dusts donut crumbs off herself.- So. Miss anything interestin'?

DEREK: Only that were gonna storm the white house and assassinate the presidents.

ROXANNE: ....Are we bein' serious or not in saying that?

RILEY: -her mind's a little elsewhere and she keeps having to focus on not looking at the bathroom door.-

ROXANNE: -Maybe Riley needs a nap. Naps are pretty relaxing. Just look how calm Roxanne is right now.-

RILEY: -NOBODY ASKED YOU ROXANNE!!!!!!-

DEREK: I cant believe yall are accusing me left and right of taking such serious subjects lightly. Unbelievable.

ROXANNE: Thats not technically an answer.

ROXANNE: Just want to be clear on whatever plan people are makin' up when im snoozing.

RILEY: baseless accusations. -she's gonna move next to Derek because too many feelings about family right now.-

ROXANNE: -Props her feet up on the empty seat next to her.-

DEREK: -wraps an arm around riley. relax, babe.- For real though thats the plan. DEREK: Were right on the Capitals doorstep. In the middle of a war. The Condesce thinks she can do whatever the fuck she wants with any idiot working under her. DEREK: Might as well send her a message.

RILEY: -leans against him.- they wanna fuck shit up.

ROXANNE: -Mmmmm, she certainly feels conflict over this idea. On one hand, earth is her home and damn right shes all for getting rid of this clown presidency bullshit. However, her biggest priority is to find and get back to her loved ones asap...- 

ROXANNE: I get the sentiment.

ROXANNE: You make it sure sound easy though.

DAVENFORTH: Its just juggalos how hard could it be

ROXANNE:

President

juggalos. Even Trump had protection.

DEREK: Yeah but Derek and Davenforth Strider werent alive back then. -this cocky motherfucker-

ROXANNE: -He is the most cocky.- ROXANNE: Mmmhm.

DEREK: -more winking-

ROXANNE: -Manboy please.-

JODIE: -burps-

ROXANNE: -Side eyes Jodie at the burp.-

JODIE: scuzie.

HIGHBLOOD: blame it on the bubbly sis =he's probably shared faygo with her=

JODIE: i thought y'all would be more anxious to reunite with yer kid.

ROXANNE: I sure am.

ROXANNE: No offense to porrim but my skin has been crawlin' knowin russet is on the ship without at least one of us.

QIRIN: =has she been pacing? yup=

JODIE: sorry...kids.

DAVENFORTH: -Sighs-

RILEY: we are all very far apart i think so... i'm not sure this detour will take away much time at all.

JODIE: yeah. 'caus eoverthrowin the government is really just a pit stop.

ROXANNE: It's goin' to take more time them going straight there.

ROXANNE: Also there is the whole. 

ROXANNE: I dunno' chance of dying?

DAVENFORTH: Jinjin is in good hands besides what were doin is gonna help make a better place for them to grow up

JODIE: do you really think everythin is gonna work out exactly as you plan it to. -just staring flatly-

DEREK: Yep.

ROXANNE: -She's with you Jodie.-

JODIE: i mean you're the ninja's not me.

RILEY: ain't dave in alaska? and dirk is in the black hole of texas.

JODIE: 'sides it hought you all were apart of a crew but i don't see you askin permission.

DAVENFORTH: Im real bad at doing that

ROXANNE: Wow the confidence is unreal. -She's a little salty that Derek isn't more anxious to get back to his kids.-

DAVENFORTH: Ask my nephew

JODIE: sounds like arrogant, poorly planned bs.

JODIE: this is just a testosterone-fest.

JODIE: -snorts-

DAVENFORTH: No this is about sending a fucking message

JODIE: don't try to make it seem all noble. at lesat be honest. haha.

DEREK: -naturally he's anxious to see them, but he's with his brother here...-

RILEY: -watches jodie-

ROXANNE: -Stand up to your brother-

DEREK: -why would he stand up to him when he agrees with him??-

HIGHBLOOD: =Plays tense, appropriate music for the bickering humans. Tramatic muffled trumpet softly in the bg=

DAVENFORTH: This is about telling her that were not standing for this bullshit she knows were coming but shes gonna know were coming with a goddamn vengeance im not gonna let my daughter grow up in the grips of a galaxy that despises her fuckin existence and im damn sure not gonna let her live with the same bullshit ive gone through

JODIE: -sad trombone would be more fitting in her opinion-

DAVENFORTH: If youve got a problem youre welcome to walk

JODIE: i'm just sayin, you can't go around claiming this is the best plan for everyone. it's just the best plan for yer ego.

JODIE: i ain't going anywhere.

JODIE: i don't have any special powers. and i ain't got no leg to stand on when it comes to decision making. i'm barely a crew member.

ROXANNE: Im siding with Jodie on this. ROXANNE: Im really all for taking the ax to this new government, but we've got other issues to deal with first.

ROXANNE: We can meet up with everyone else and regroup an attack later.

DAVENFORTH: You can go too i dont give a shit

ROXANNE: Right now we are spread thin, with no back up, no intell. And like hell you two are doin' it on your own.

JODIE: -just snort laughs.-

JODIE: well, there wasn't no harm in trying. -JUST CHINHANDING.-

DAVENFORTH: Im not askin for backup and im not asking you to be alright with it ill go it alone if i goddamn have to but im not just gonna let this woman have her way with earth like she has every other planet

DAVENFORTH: Shes fucking playing us

DAVENFORTH: Weve lost too much we hold dear

DAVENFORTH: Its her fucking turn

ROXANNE: -Stares straight at Derek like "Can you believe this??"-

JODIE: -shrugalugs at riley and then just sprawls over the bus seat again.-

DEREK: -sorry ro...- We gotta pass through DC regardless so. 

DEREK: Maybe yall dont wanna go with us but aint nothin gonna stop me and him from trying.

QIRIN: | )

ROXANNE: -STARES HARDER.-

DAVENFORTH: Just drop us off fuck it

ROXANNE: Derek. You got one infant girl on a ship hundreds of miles away. ROXANNE: And another unborn baby sittin' right next to you.

ROXANNE: ...Are you actually bein' serious right now???

ROXANNE: You can be as confident as you want but you know going through with that plan means you might Die right?

DAVENFORTH: Third times the charm -Scoffs-

JODIE: if you can't convince em not to do it, you should try to minimize the damage.

QIRIN: >_> =what did u say=

DAVENFORTH: -YOU HEARD HIM-

RILEY: -she doesn't know exactly what to say here. she considers herself stuck either way. There's no winner here. Some of the most stubborn people she knows are in this bus. she sighs, rubbing her own neck-

DEREK: -stfu dave u ain't dying.-

JODIE: -looking at Roxanne- you're a smart lady arentcha. they'd have a better chance of survivin if you helped.

QIRIN: Is the term not "three strikes, you are out"?

ROXANNE: -Side eyes Jodie even more.- Of course im helpin' if he goes through with this stupid plan.

JODIE: cool beans.

DEREK: -scoffs a little. incredible...- 

DEREK: Well yeah Im goin through with it.

ROXANNE: Maybe hopefully he'll realize how crazy this is if both of Russet's parents are at risk--

ROXANNE: -YOU ARE REALLY TESTING HER DEREK.-

RILEY: -while they're talking, she moves Derek's arm off of her and walks off where she sits in the back-

ROXANNE: -Her eyes follow Riley, shes pretty miffed she didn't say anything in this argument.-

JODIE: -she's also judging riley for this tbh-

JODIE: -but she's already accepted her fate. she's doing all she can to help, at least for jamie's sake.-

DAVENFORTH: -He's quiet. Thinking about his two daughters. How condy's reign would mean their literal deaths.-

QIRIN: =She's thinking utter subjugation and ruin of her people=

QIRIN: =though both are not pretty thoughts=

RILEY: -she thinking about history repeating itself and how truly fucked they'll all be this time-

DAVENFORTH: -But he's also thinking about Beforus, Europa, the people here on Earth. How much would it mean to end the figureheads of their subjugation. Would it spur them on to fight? Would Condy's grasp on Earth slip even a little bit?-

JODIE: -She's thinking about how aginst this James would be.-

JODIE: -Sorry charlie!-

JODIE: -If somebody stronger was here in her eplace.-

RILEY: -she wasn't thinking about the consequences much before. but where the hell is she going to have to wait around while all this happens?-

DAVENFORTH: I think everyone who doesnt want in should continue to minnesota

RILEY: -from the back, a little irritated- and wait?

JODIE: no. i'm gonna help. -SPITEFUL-

JODIE: -maybe you get to do this, but she's not going to let you HAVE this-

DAVENFORTH: Thats your choice

DAVENFORTH: You just gonna wait in dc riley

JODIE: -She's liking Davenforth less and less all the time. Stupid jerk.-

RILEY: i don't fucking know. i sure as hell ain't going out of state away from you three while you try to pull this off.

DAVENFORTH: -It's fine he's used to it-

RILEY: i don't want to leave anybody behind.

DAVENFORTH: I respect that

DAVENFORTH: I dont want yall in danger for somethin you didnt sign up for i aint forcin that on anyone but im doin this

ROXANNE: Do you honestly think you would be doing it alone. Not everyone on this bus is okay with letting some of us go on a possible suicide mission.

DAVENFORTH: You should know me by now ro

JODIE: -Snorts.- so charitable.

RILEY: look, if i didn't have a tiny person inside of me, then i'd jump in and help.

ROXANNE: Guess I thought I did. -She shrugs.- 

ROXANNE: Im doin' it with you two, but im not happy 'bout it. Actually Im pretty pissed. 

ROXANNE: We do live through this I'm kicking your asses myself after we get back to the ship.

QIRIN: =clears her throat after a very long time of being quiet= I would like to hear more of this plan of yours if you or...we are to go through with this.

DAVENFORTH: Everyones kicking my ass after this one probably

TAKODA: -all these bad vibes... he's just going to go back to driving since they uh... have a plan now, he guesses. he's mostly uneasy because he knows, as a part of the resistance, they should take an opportunity as it's presented to them...-

RILEY: -rubbing her forehead-

DEREK: -his guilt isn't obvious, but it's definitely there. he doesn't want to endanger anybody here, and it ain't as if he wants to orphan any of his kids, but... sometimes you gotta follow your gut. he's just keeping quiet for now.-

RILEY: -she puts her hood of the jacket she's wearing up and turns so that she's watching everything pass by, damn hormones and emotions making her eyes all watery-

JODIE: -drinks-

RILEY: -IF ONLY SHE COULD-