#ignore the 0% artistic talent lmfao

[guiltyidealist]

I'm making a new Warriors OC, because what else do you do when a new book comes out?

Their name is Hareflight. They don't exist in the canon universe with the canon clans, but their body type and skillset are basically WindClan. They're probably nonbinary.

[borisbubbles]

ESC2019: Preshow: #35

35. ESTONIA Victor Crone - “Storm” SemiFinal 1, #14

Last Summer Estonia announced that they would, very sadly, reliquish Eesti Laul’s indie vibe by allowing foreign artists to enter.

 “Ah!🤔” Stig Rästa must’ve thought “I can now try to fulfill my biggest dream: create the Estonian Aviicii”😁".

For this he needed a few ingredients: A cheesy song with a catchy but basic track sheeple can dance on and a mouthpiece to perform the song. Said performer would of course have to be Swedish, preferably with no real discernible personality or career and just about desperate enough to enter Eesti Laul over Melfest. Singing Talent if any, was not a requirement, conveniently attractive looks a plus. 

Enter Victor Crone.

Entry Analysis

Every ESC hits us with grower songs, songs which you don’t care about at first, but which get better with every listen. “Storm” is... not one of those lol. At this point I doubt whether I even have any remaining *energy* to point out all of the cliché’s, which is basically... all of “Storm”: it has your run-the-mill pseudo-inspirational but inherently meaningless lyrics on a dope beat that sounds like every dance track ever made. It really does not get any more basic than this (sorry; than thiiiIIIIiiiiis)

I mean obviously, it’s Estonia so I had *some* inherent goodwill at the start, but now that every song has been selected, I am now VEHEMENTLY AGAINST Estonia qualifying for the final. Every time I listen to “Storm” I dislike it more and more, as I’m reminded what a cliché clunker it really is. It’s the opposite of a hit, it’s just... shit. 

Victor himself irks me too though, don’t worry, the personal attack you’re anxiously awaiting is about to start: Put a limp noodle with zero personality in a leather jacket and give them a guitar and you still have a limp noodle with zero personality, only in a leather jacket and with a guitar. Even Victor’s Lisa Rinna hair (seriously what an awful haircut for a maaAAAaan liiIIIiike thiiiIIIiis) has more personality than Victor himself. Also, lmao @ his “vocals”. I wasn’t aware a song liiIIIIiike thiIIIIiis could crack a voiiiIIIIiice liiIIIike thiIIIIiis.

NF Corner

Did Estonia have options other than “Storm”? Well, yeah, they did, but none I particularly cared about actually.😬 I went down my usual trajectory of pulling for lovable randoms because I did NOT love any of the realistic options. Inger was not my cup of tea and Stefan was probably the only one I liked less than Victor 😷 Having said that, I did have a strong preference for ONE of the contenders:

Even with Kirkorkov’s Dark Mark clining to it, “Pretty little liar” would’ve easily been the best option for Estonia, both at ESC and at this ranking (I enjoy how lowkey trash PLL’s melodrama is. “YOU PRETTY LITTLE LIAR *YOU*” <3). If Estonia wanted a conventionally handsome robot in a leather jacket, just go for Uku Ceviche, wtf???

But there are other fun songs I wouldn’t want to deny you. There is of course, the EPIC collab between Tanja & Birgit Õigemeel: 

Embarrassing ElectroSwing sensationalism, YES <3 It wouldn’t have stood a chance in ESC, but I’m happy it graced my internet tee-vee screen with its presence.. 

There’s also THIS hilarious s*cat* anthem which cured my just about my loneliness, anxiety, depression  😻😻😻😻😻

Fulfilling its destiny of finishing last with exactly 1 point. 😻 (not last overall though, because there were *two* songs in the other semi which managed to get 0 points somehow lmfao 😻<3) 

My personal fave however was something different: meet MEME QUEEN INGA

Good Estonian indiepop isnt dead, it was just burried underneath of layers and layers and fucking LAYERS of garden-variety radio pop. "Miline päev” did have a certain ~Je Ne Sais Quoi~ about it (You know it has that special something!) that I enjoyed. Maybe it were the iconic trousers or the iconic dancing or perhaps both? Bask in the radiant warm glow of QUEENGA’s surpreme dance mewvs: 

💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃💃

Qualification Odds: Borderline (Disadvantaged)

Same issue as with Denmark: The bookmakers claim Estonia will advance, but I don’t knoooooooow about thaaaaat -- Sandra Diaz-Twine. The first issue is the live voice: Victor can barely sing “Storm” in tune EVEN WHEN SINGING IT OVER THE CD-TRACK WHICH FEATURES HIS OWN AUTOTUNED VOICE. In a format such as ESC where *all* of the voices MUST be live, there no way he’ll sound good.  Secondly, um the song is boring and shit and generic and trash and STANDS OUT as those things compared to the other songs in the SF. AND Victor’s draw puts him behind Hatari’s sado-mascochistic punkfest and Conan’s savant garde fado fable. You need to be fucking ICONIC to stand a chance between those two and honestly, name a human less deserving of being refered to as “iconic” as Victor Crone. Third of all, it’s Estonia. Estonia is all about being overrated by the netizens. I fall for it every year, because you know, this feeling of wishful thinking is REAL (DAYUM -- Alen Chicco), but not this time!! In all fairness, given how open SF1 is, I would not be too shocked if Victor DID qualify, but “Storm” feels more like a song that juries would like due to the Lowest Common Denominator (but less so than normally because juries do NOT like Estonia for some reason) (jealousy) and I believe the audience will largely ignore “storm” due to its lack of memorability. The only trump card Estonia have is the augmented reality gimmick and it’s hard to gauge how effective it will prove to be in a SF that, you know, features anti-capitalist bondage, live re-enactments of Edward Scissorhands and deepthroating contraltos dressed up like John Waters characters. 

Projected placement: 7th-15th in the semifinal. If he qualifies, bottom 10 in the finale. 

Link to the masterpost