#im 24 and it has barely ever happened BUT IT DEFINITELY HAS and im craving it.. but without all the stress aaaa i hate living.

[eldesperadont]

now that i know that a cis dude can see and be attracted to me as a man my brain decided to give these traits to my ex in my reoccurring dreams of him (i was never and im not out to the dude) im never free of that mf 💀

[cool-im-a-loser]

70 horrible questions

i dunno if this is something you get tagged for but @greatstupidchair dared me so I’ve got to do it.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

I have a brilliant relationship with my parents. they are like my best friends.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

probably my mum or sister.

03: Do you regret anything?

I regret a couple of things, but I also believe everything happens for a reason. So i don’t completely regret them, but i think if i hadn’t had those experiences then my life would be a little easier. 

04: Are you insecure?

I think everyone gets insecure. Its just a part of life. 

05: What is your relationship status?

very, very, single

06: How do you want to die?

In my sleep hopefully. Its peaceful and i hopefully wouldn’t be in pain. And i hope it would be easier on my family if i passed away that way.

07: What did you last eat?

I had a ham and cheese toastie for my lunch. 

08: Played any sports?

not unless it was part of compulsory physical education at school.

09: Do you bite your nails?

no way! that is one of my pet peeves! i can’t stand people biting their nails. 

10: When was your last physical fight?

i can’t even remember getting into a physical fight! maybe a couple of weeks ago with my sister but that was entirely playful and i wouldn’t really class as ‘fighting’.

11: Do you like someone?

i like lots of people. whether they like me back is another story!

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

my body does not function without sleep. i can barely stay awake any longer than 12 hours. people who can stay awake for 24 hours are like aliens to me. like how do you do that??

  13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

i could name a couple of people who have pissed me off in the past months. one person, in particular, we used to be close but after many arguments they just blocked me on all social media platforms. just because of something taken way out of context. 

14: Do you miss someone?

I’ve been pretty much house-bound for the past year due to my health (or at least only able to leave my house with my parents) so i haven’t seen my friends much. the last time i saw them was November and its the end of March when i write this. but thankfully the power of the internet has kept us all connected.

  15: Have any pets?

i have 2 beautiful doggies called Ellie and Sally. they’re both English Cocker Spaniels. Ellie is 13 and Sally is 12. Ellie suffers from polyps in both her ears with makes them susceptible to infections and because of her age there isn’t anything the vets can do now so we aren’t sure how much longer we have with her. :( Sally is just a ball of energy you wouldn’t think she was 12. You’d probably think she was 2!

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

im feeling great! just a little tired but i’m always tired so thats no different.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

nooooo. ain’t that kinda gross? 

18: Are you scared of spiders?

terrified!! they creep me out. 

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

i would like to visit different periods in history, because i love history. but i wouldn’t like to live in the past.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

i haven’t 

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

helping my cousin organise things for her wedding next Monday. i’ve also got to go to the hairdressers and get my nails done. 

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

i’d love kids. no more than 4 though. i’d like to have some boys because the last boy born into my family was my uncle Paul who is in his 50′s. 

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

I have 6 piercings. my septum. in my ears - left: lobe, conch. right: 2 lobe, industrial.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

At school my best subjects were History, English, ICT, Food Technology and Child Development. 

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

nope.

26: What are you craving right now?

scones with jam and cream! 

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

A boy at school who i was friends with liked me but i didn’t like him back. So i turned him down. looking back i was quite harsh when i did.

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

not really, but i did date this one guy at school and i broke up with him and on Thursday and by Monday he was dating another girl. so i’m not sure if he just rebounded quickly or if they were chatting behind my back. I'm not sure what happened there. 

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

i hope not.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

There are road works right outside my house and all i can hear is the sounds of these drills going on and on and on!!

31: Does somebody love you?

i hope my family do! they say they do

32: What is your favourite color?

pink or mustard

33: Do you have trust issues?

I’m not sure

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

I can’t really remember. i remembered having a dream of my sister coming into me whilst i was asleep and waking me up and telling me she was going to town with our nan, but that actually happened.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my mother. we watched mama mia last night and we cry everytime we watch it. 

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

nope. i barely ever give out 2nd chances.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

for me they are both as hard to do. 

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

i hope it could be. its too early to tell.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

not had it yet :( 

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

when i was a child. there are many photos of me naked on our front lawn. 

51: Favourite food?

brownies!!!! 

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

definitely 

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

check my Instagram

54: Is cheating ever okay?

never

55: Are you mean?

i can be without realising it

56: How many people have you fist fought?

1? my sister

57: Do you believe in true love?

yes of course

58: Favourite weather?

sunshine

59: Do you like the snow?

yes, but i get over it very quickly

60: Do you wanna get married?

one day definitely

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

yeah why not

62: What makes you happy?

music, family, friends, food

63: Would you change your name?

if i could i would change it to Esther or add Esther into my name because its a family name that's been passed down generations. i didn’t get it. my mum forgot when she had me.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

not really 

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

freak out and the talk to them about it

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

i used to but i haven’t seen him since we left school last summer.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

my grandad - i spoke to him like an hour ago

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

my friend @greatstupidchair  last night

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

yes! hopefully mines out there somewhere.

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

my family, my friends, my dogs 

i’m not going to tag anyone, because this was actual torture to complete!

if you want to do this then go ahead.

[ainaindou]

1feb2018

gosh executive dysfunction is gonna kill everything i try to do whether out of love, passion, or necessity. even projects where i am invested 100% voluntarily slowly decay in my hands due to the lack of a drive, and it’s so disappointing.

spotify is probably the best thing ive ever subscribed to 10/10 would recommend

concerning pasts. i’m not sure if i’m healing at all or just just really good at slapping another bandage on. most days it’s all very numb and it feels as if i’m merely processing information as an observer from the outside, sifting through memories and “feelings” that are definitely mine, yet they don’t seem to really affect me anymore. rare moments come when i have more time and quiet and suddenly my mind spins into overdrive and suddenly i’m me again, which is great but also feels immensely awful bc those “feelings” turn from cold information back into actual active ongoing emotions- god knows how awfully i process those things. 

considering the amount of failed attempts at securing a traditional career path it’s probably time to explore other alternative options but i have no real idea where to start. i could idle where i am a bit with no real issue but boy my parents are fking annoying about their passively suggested disapprovals concerning many different aspects of my decisions despite all the support they claim to have.

concerning present. context is actually super important and there’s never really enough. a habit of mine, for comfort and ease of mind i love to set clear and concrete definitions as to what certain relationships between myself and other people, and lock it as such inside my head. but relationships are organic and they grow and change and even sometimes decay. so it happens a bit too often that suddenly something happens that’s completely out of my expectation and calculations one way or another and i have to redefine exactly what is my standing with another person. sometimes adaptation is very easy and of little consequence, but other times, the complete relationship becomes rotten due to this. part of it is on me, whether or not i want to invest further energy to try and salvage a disconnect. part of it is on the other side, whether they want to be patient with me or not. as a side, i’ve only met two people in my life so far that share my exact social dynamic, one in which we can comfortably hold our relationship in indefinite stasis for whatever length of silence just so happens to transpire between us, and then easily pick up momentum wherever we left off and develop things mutually at our convenience. that’s super precious to me, and very comforting to be fairly honest since i know i’m not the only one who functions in this way.

i’m not super sure what my next big purchase will be. i do want a full-powered workstation/gaming rig, and i also want a cintiq. but i’m functioning fine with the tools i have right now. i could finally invest in the doll collection i’ve been thinking of, but where the fuck to i even start lol. my living arrangements are very temporary anyways and to invest in a physical item collection right now might not be the best.

i’ve migrated partially from tea to coffee. not like a full migration, but more like i just guzzle both now 24/7. tea at work and coffee everywhere else.

concerning future. ambitions grows slightly dimmer every year bc reality becomes more concrete. there’s also a really weird thing where i “know” what is optimal to pursue, but the arbitrary scale of effort vs reward makes it so that i don’t bother to optimize. this is a statement that applies to so many aspects of my life, and the end result is my life is mediocre. not great, but not horrible. vaguely i thought about seeing if i wanna find a way to become a tattoo artist bc for one thing im super interested in meeting and working with (on) people that normally wouldn’t be in my field of sociability. in any other context ofc i wouldn’t even bother bc my social energy level is like below negative but anyways i should look into that. it’s something, at least.

about actual romantic relationships. it almost feels weird to me that i have any sort of experience at all. and it also feels super alien to me (for most part) that i even care about this aspect of my life still. predominantly, i can’t be bothered. i spend almost all of my available effort and energy just barely holding myself and my life together and afloat, how the fuck am i gonna even be able to spare some for another whole living breathing person? my emotional state is super stale too, and it’s not like i have a desire or desperate need for intimacy (quite the opposite sometimes). yet, i think my own situation is somewhat akin to having acquired the taste of a forbidden fruit. i know what i could have, and i crave it so. even full well knowing how poisonous it most likely could become. my past experiences all ended up kinda suck, and i always kinda hate the things i did/didn’t do that made it that way. (except the very first one. we were young and completely naive and stupid some of what she did was fucked up too lmfao so) i kinda crave a very simple sort of distant intimacy and i have n o fucking idea how to describe or define what i want or if anyone else in the world is compatible with what i’m looking for. language fails me for sure bc i’ve tried at least once with this definition with someone else and the end result was we both figured out we said and agreed on the same words but we had very different definitions. our original friendship has been strangled also as a result. which is one other thing that i am exasperated with myself for.. it’s pretty much impossible for me to consider an intimate relationship of any kind with someone unless there’s a pre-existing friendship as a foundation. yet in the pursuit of a deeper relationship it just puts the friendship at risk and i don’t know if this is ever worth it. should i just be happy with the friendship now and like not fuck up shit again? is this also parallel to my tendency to not pursue optimization in my life? but friendship isn’t a mediocre thing either. super confusing and will require further thoughts definitely

ashmute has godly music for whatever’s left of my soul i hope they make another album soon bc there’s not enough.

my nose bothers the fuuuck out of me. not appearance wise, but the fact that the cartilage inside just isn’t properly attached to my skull and so slips off-center all the fucking time but idk if i wanna get surgical procedure done either. same thing about lasik bc i’m actually tired of glasses but laser eye surgery is not perfect and my vision is invaluable to me and my livelihood. idk idk idk.

anyway.

[withnosuchgrace]

70 questions

i was tagged like a million years ago by the always amazing @slutlingar to do this (thank you :’)))

01: do you have a good relationship with your parents? yeah i think so (at least i hope so) but i’m definitely closer to my mom than my dad 

02: who did you last say “i love you” to? i think it was my mom yesterday on the phone

03: do you regret anything? way too much to count 

04: are you insecure? o boy yeah

05: what is your relationship status? :)))))

06: how do you want to die? ummmm i never really thought about this but hopefully happy and at peace

07: what did you last eat? i’m eating eggo waffles rn 

08: play any sports? hahahahaahahahaahhahah

09: do you bite your nails?  nah 

10: when was your last physical fight? ummm my sister and i often hit each other and run away does that count??? 

11: do you like someone? min yoongi 

12: have you ever stayed up 48 hours? i can barely stay up 12

13: do you hate anyone at the moment?  i strongly dislike like half of my family lmao 

14: do you miss someone? yeah old friends that i’m super bad at communicating with

15: have any pets? a cat named billie :))) (fun fact “billy” means cat in punjabi and urdu so her name literally means cat hahaha) 

16: how exactly are you feeling at the moment? only mildly stressed bc i have a test at 2:30 but other than that im happy bc monsta x’s comeback is so great  

17: ever made out in the bathroom? ew

18: are you scared of spiders? yes but i’m better at dealing with it like i’ll just stare at them until they go away and hide and i tell myself that they eat flies and i hate flies more so it’s all good 

19: would you go back in time if you were given the chance? maybe but i also think everything happens for a reason 

20: where was the last place you snogged someone? :)))))))

21: what are your plans for this weekend? i think my aunt is coming over but other than that idk

22: do you want to have kids? how many? yes maybe around 3?? 

23: do you have piercings? how many?  2 on the earlobes and one nose ring 

24: what is/are/were your best subject(s)? english, history and that’s about it i think

25: do you miss anyone from your past? yeah

26: what are you craving right now? cheesecake and fried chicken hahahah 

27: have you ever broken someone’s heart? i break my own heart every day by being a mess and never getting my shit done 

28: have you ever been cheated on? nope

29: have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? ??????

30: what’s irritating you right now? a lot of things actually but mainly uni 

31: does somebody love you? hopefully

32: what is your favourite color? pastel purple!!!

33: do you have trust issues? i trust waaaaaay too easily it’s a problem

34: who/what was your last dream about? i was watching this weird tv drama or something and i really liked it and then in the end credits it said that chanyeol played the best friend but i was getting mad bc i didn’t see him anywhere and i was sure it was trying to mess with me but anyways in the picture they used he looked so soft and cute i cry 

35: who was the last person you cried in front of? no one

36: do you give out second chances too easily? depends on who it is and what they’ve done

37: is it easier to forgive or forget? forget

38: is this year the best year of your life? it’s only march idk

39: how old were you when you had your first kiss? :))))))

40: have you ever walked outside completely naked? noooo

51: favourite food? i always answer differently for this ahahahah but i think it’s alloo parathas, and kheer and puris and brownies 

52: do you believe everything happens for a reason? yes but also we have to take responsibilities for the things we have done and everything has a consequence 

53: what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? scrolled on tumblr lmao

54: is cheating ever okay? nope, if you cheat you’re an ass and i will punch you

55: are you mean? i don’t think i am but my mom and sister say that sometimes when i answer things i sound mean :(((

56: how many people have you fist fought? none....yet

57: do you believe in true love? yep 

58: favourite weather? late spring // early summer when it’s not too hot yet but still very warm 

59: do you like the snow? to a certain extent like up till february it’s fine but it’s the middle of march and just last week there was a blizzard and we got 50cm of snow and it’s only just starting to slowly melt and im tired 

60: do you wanna get married? yep yep yep 

61: is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? idk i feel like if someone were to call me that i would get all flustered 

62: what makes you happy? friends, family, music, old cartoons, writing, watching the plants i have grow, billie, finding the perfect outfit and wearing it with confidence, sunlight, knowing something that i worked hard on gets appreciated, making others smile

63: would you change your name? never

64: would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? uhhhhh

65: your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? i have no idea omg this never happened but i think i would let them down gently and tell them i would only want to be their friend and im sorry 

66: do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? idk i guess?? 

67: who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my dad

68: who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? @chenderellastrash

69: do you believe in soulmates? y e s my friend and i have so many soulmate stories ahahahah

70: is there anyone you would die for? probably hahah

i’m gunna tag @chenderellastrash @boomchimpow @doitforsuga @delta-cubes @sherlockedwhovian09 @j-houpe + anyone else who wants to do it!!!

[thisdaynews]

'I was addicted to drugs, now I'm addicted to running'

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/i-was-addicted-to-drugs-now-im-addicted-to-running/

'I was addicted to drugs, now I'm addicted to running'

Think about running. What kind of images does it conjure up? A panting figure in lycra jogging round the block, or even the triumphant finishers at the London Marathon? Is it the aching legs the next day after going on the treadmill for the first time in weeks, or feeling smug when your step counter goes over 10,000 in a day?

For the casual runner, maybe. But for fans of ultra marathons – that’s anything longer than the 26.2-mile (42km) distance of a marathon – it means something more extreme. These endurance runners push their bodies and minds to the limit, often running 100 miles (161km) or further. And it seems it’s a truly global sport with events taking place everywhere from the Sahara Desert – the 150-mile (241km) Marathon des Sables – to the 54-mile (87km) Comrades Marathon in South Africa. And now the spotlight is on the UK, for a 69-mile (111km) run along Hadrian’s Wall in an event called, fittingly, The Wall.

And “hitting the wall” is the phrase runners use when they feel they can’t go any further. But today they seem to be smashing through it in droves – ultramarathons are reportedly growing in popularity, with one man who runs a listings website telling the Guardian he’s seen a 1,000% increase in the number of ultra-long races worldwide. Some in the ultramarathon world attribute this increase to a very millennial cause – ultra competitors posting pictures on social media of their triumphs, which in turn encourage their friends to think they can do it too.

We speak to six ultra marathon runners from the UK and beyond about what motivates them to run such distances – from the woman who literally ran away from a drug addiction and the young entrepreneur who craves solitude, to those running to overcome trauma and break down gender barriers.

‘Ultramarathon running became my meditation’

Before my first marathon, I was so nervous about being able to complete it that I could barely function. Just the thought of it made me feel so stressed. I tried everything I could to calm myself down before the big day, including hypnotherapy. So no one was more surprised than me, when I found an ultramarathon to be the most relaxing thing I’d ever done.

I agreed to run my first ultra last year with one of my best mates. It seemed like a good chance to get out of the city. I quickly discovered it was the most social, relaxed running you can do. Imagine spending 16 hours in the fresh air, with nothing to do but put one foot in front of the other. To me, that’s bliss.

There’s not the same pressure of you against a clock, like in a normal marathon, it’s not the time that’s impressive, it’s the distance. People actually clap as you overtake them. You can be jogging with the same people for hours and comfortably never say a word, it’s a very zen experience (minus the physical pain obviously).

After about an hour, I can feel my mind start to settle and that’s when I start to zone out and slip into a meditative state. Afterwards, I’m so relaxed – you just don’t have the energy to get angry about anything! I am a happier, and less stressed person when I’m running.

‘My body tries to stop me running’

To this day, my body tries to stop me from running. I think it’s a reaction to a trauma I experienced during my first ever ultra marathon. I was in Nepal for the race, and on day two of six, I was attacked by a complete stranger. I didn’t want to finish the race but I was running in memory of my childhood friend who took her own life a few years before. So I finished it.

Sometimes I go to run and my whole body freezes up before I’ve even made it out the front door. The first time, my dog was in her running harness, I had her lead in my hand and was just standing there in my running kit. But I couldn’t move even an inch. It’s happened a few times since then. The first time, I think I was standing there for almost two hours before my dog jumped up and snapped me out of it.

Now, running has become part of my recovery – along with therapy. After the attack, I decided to reclaim running as my own – I run to empower myself, and take back control. I’m not quite ready to face my next ultramarathon yet, but I will be.

‘The solitude helps me cope with life’

When I’m running, I shut off from the stress of the outside world. I’m an introvert by nature and need time with my own thoughts to help me cope with life.

My thinking becomes so clear and uninterrupted when I’m running, getting away from distractions helps me think things through properly, makes me more decisive, and allows me to work on my emotional intelligence – which are really important traits for an entrepreneur. Most of my big business breakthroughs have happened while running!

I find technology so disruptive – it’s possible, via social media, to be connected to people 24 hours a day. It’s too much. The solitude of running gives me my daily dose of empty space – it’s the only true ‘me time’ that I get.

‘I quit my job to study ultras’

I started running long distance six years ago, to get me through a difficult relationship. It gave me the clarity to start doing the things I enjoy in life. Long story short, I quit my job in finance to study the gender stereotypes in running – and my research requires me to go out in the field, which I love! 

During a long run you don’t know what’s going to happen and you have to give over control to a certain degree, something that I’m not always good at in the rest of my life. But personally, I’m in a much better place now and am getting married in October.

In March I took part in the Speed Project, a gruelling 360-mile (579km) relay from LA to Las Vegas. The experience of running such a long way is really hard to explain to people, but the biggest thing I’ve learnt from ultras is how resilient I am. There are times when it is really hard and boring and I feel like I’m not making any progress, but there are other times where I feel amazing and like I’m flying!

‘Running helps me feel like women and men are equal in Afghanistan’ 

Zeinab (left), 24, Kabul 

I started running a couple of years ago, when I saw my room-mates were running every other day, early in the morning. I hadn’t been running since I was really small because the town in Afghanistan where I live is very conservative towards women and their activities.

One morning I asked if I could go with them and ran 10km (six miles) non-stop. That was the first time I felt how free it feels to run outdoors – my friends were surprised that I could keep up. That’s when they told me they were training for a 250-mile (402km) ultra marathon in Sri Lanka, I couldn’t believe how cool it was that two Afghan girls were competing in an international race! Now I’ve done the same.

Running helps me feel like there is no difference between the rights of women and men in Afghanistan. I want the men in our society to understand that women taking part in sport is not taboo, and that we can run the same distances as men. I want to push boundaries. My running partner and I even trained every night during Ramadan, running in the evenings after breaking the fast.

‘I was addicted to drugs – now I’m addicted to running’

At 27, I was arrested and spent the night in a prison cell. That was the worst experience of my life and scared me into getting clean.

I fell into a bad crowd in high school and started partying hard. I soon got into a relationship with a guy who was doing methamphetamine and got addicted pretty quickly. Eventually, we got arrested. I was put on a six-month rehab programme where I had to go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting every day. After six months, I was clean.

Now I’ve been clean for 25 years. I started running because I was searching for something to take the place of drugs. I ran a 10k (six miles) on a whim after seeing a flyer for it and, three months later, I ran my first marathon. Ultras followed soon after. 

I’ve run 100, 200 and 300-mile races. When you finally stop running after that long, it feels great. You’ve accomplished something huge and it’s like, ‘Wow!’ I definitely get a kind of high. I’m one of about only a dozen people in the world who has run 100 miles (161km) more than 100 times. You could definitely say that I’m addicted.

If you have been affected by any issues in this article, you can find support here.

This article was first published on 14 June 2019.

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