brainworms-all-night-long 6 months ago
Text
Fighting for my life here, drawing these hands took TWO fucking hours
Tumblr media
22 notes View notes
phagodyke 11 days ago
Text
the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 馃槏
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
4 notes View notes
lilaccatholic 1 year ago
Text
how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
29 notes View notes
ambersky0319 10 days ago
Text
I love and hate getting hit with big project ideas (both of the writing and art variety)
love it bc they seem so fun!! i would like to do them for various reasons! i know finishing would leave me feeling accomplished, id learn some new stuff and practice some skills
hate it cause i have no time to finish and i eventually lose motivation to keep up
2 notes View notes
salomeapologist 2 months ago
Text
has anyone whose native language uses a left to right alphabet taught themselves a language that uses a right to left alphabet as an adult
2 notes View notes
vile-wizard 2 months ago
Text
I need to clean my room now. It is dire.
3 notes View notes
eclarinet 3 months ago
Text
same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
2 notes View notes
finnstansonly 8 months ago
Text
do y'all feel pain in ur dreams? like actual pain? bc i do. not all the time like sometimes its normal where i get hurt in the dream and i know that im hurt so i react and imagine that it hurts but sometimes there is actual physical pain. Like i am aware in the dream that it genuinely hurts. similarly but not i also sometimes will be aware that i am moving my actual physical mouth while talking in a dream and it freaks me out for a few seconds before the distraction of awareness ends and i get back to whatever was going on in my dream.
anyway does that ever happen to y'all
4 notes View notes
wandringaesthetic 1 year ago
Text
I think the introversion/extroversion paradigm is probably wrong and the real question is not "would you prefer to be with other people more often or would you prefer to be alone more often?" But "how often is an interaction with the average person going to be positive, for you?"
9 notes View notes
analogboii 7 months ago
Text
so i took off my hat while i was delivering today for lunch and the regional manager happened to be there and he tried to give me shit for it but i wasn't in the mood.
like bro YOU have someone attack you with a knife and only get away with getting knicked. like if my hat is rubbing and irritating my scar im taking it off for a bit get fucked dude im wearing literally everything else and I'm not in the kitchen I'm in my car
2 notes View notes
cherrysnax 8 months ago
Text
trying not to post too much during the strike to keep focus on Everything but I need to get out of my head a lil
#took a gap year because school was killing me#then the year I wanted to go to college covid started and then since then I鈥檝e been rotting in my room becoming more and more disabled#it鈥檚.#going to be scary this year trying to undo all the damage and anxiety#meeting new people#trying to really act like a 23 year old#being a freshman in college at 23 was never my plan but I thought I was going to die at 19#things have changed. I.. left a lot of people behind due to that thinking#and undiagnosed bpd#and it sucks. I keep having dreams abt hs and realizing that I was never alone#and im not alone now even though sometimes it feels like it#im taking my health into my own hands and actually trying to live instead of watching my life go by and it鈥檚 weird taking a front seat again#not in the did sense. I鈥檝e had a pretty tight rein on the front for the last few years#but. im trying to be a person again. seeing myself as a person again#I uh. am 99 percent sure I have nerve damage. I have to talk to my pcp about it next time after the next few tests I take#and um wow. it really affects my hands and fingers#and as you all know me and my butch have a comic we鈥檙e working on together#I see as you know like ppl r actually gonna read this lmao fhdha well besides you. 馃憗锔忦煈侊笍#jk sorry it that triggered anyone鈥檚 paranoia im just sillay. but yeah I uh#never have worked on something this long and this hard before PAUSE. And uh it means a lot to the both of us. we have so many comic ideas#but so far sys! is the one nearest and dearest to my heart and the idea that I won鈥檛 be able to draw it after spending years practicing#to get better and better uh hurts. I鈥檇 uh rather be in pain making the comic than live never making it#but it鈥檚 not just abt me in the end isn鈥檛 it. I miss people I used to know#random thought sorry. accidentally found someone I used to know in the wild and then it clicked after I followed them. felt like it would#be weird to take it back so now im just hoping im not recognized mostly out of. shame I guess. idk. I don鈥檛 remember things well#memory problems + bpd lying to me yknow. but uh. idk maybe these dreams and these feelings mean that in order to reach my dreams I have to l#like. honour the weird kid that I was and by doing that#I have to acknowledge that shit I abandoned everyone before they could abandon me. and maybe that鈥檚 just how I see it now#maybe no one actually gave a shit and I just faded out of existence for fun but avoiding things is how I ended up perpetually in my bedroom#barely able to stand and very scared of the world. how I ended up not improving at art for years because I was to scared to something difrnt
2 notes View notes
todayisafridaynight 1 year ago
Note
me and my sister went to the mall today and we ran into hot topic so fucking fast it was unbelievable. me and my sister are literal opposites when it comes to fashion. she picked pink, pastel shit like she was trying to be all uwu kawaii meanwhile im just standing here with my arms full of emo and goth shit, i legit felt like daigo and masato with all this emo drip i had walked out with. (p.s. they should put yakuza stuff in hot topic if they havent already because i have yet to have any yakuza related things in my room </3 also hot topic is like the only store i will shop at)
im so sorry to say these words to you but reading this reminded me of my immortal
#snap chats#I ALSO HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK THOUGH CAUSE I LITERALLY JUST GOT BACK FROM HOT TOPIC AND SPENCERSLKEAKVJA#rubbing off my fucking eyeliner as we speak im no better than a goffick and im sure the stuff you got was actually real fire and im jealous#i actually wore my hakuho pin out today- i pinned it on my back jean jacket. not to flex on you or anything 馃ゴ#i remember the day my college friend said something about me being goth and i looked like a dumbass saying 'im not goth...'#when all i ever did was wear black. and tbf i toned it down a LOT while i was at school. i wanted to be normal-passing 馃槶馃槶#that aside i only went in to get jewelry and a new belt chain. also a kirby keychain and nail polish#but like it was that Blackheart brand so you know i just wanted it for the skull container and the name. also i was running out#my hot topic really doesnt have any clothes- or at least clothes i fuck with like its mostly skirts and puffy-sleeved shirts#and yeah those are epic and awesome but they're not my style yk. love it on other people just not on me#i usually get my clothes from like. express or skate shops. very different fashions as you can see LMAOOO#like today i got this really pretty crane shirt and then like. i got a black-and-white striped long sleeve with a skeleton hand patch LMAO#UGH im pissed i didnt get the red and black variant too but i didnt think bout it til i already left#i want to get new boots- the ones i have now are great and i love them but i want something chunkier#my 'goth' fashion is really lowkey honestly like i hardly consider myself goth cause of it- its very casual ig#ignore the fuck-you amount of rings i wear ok. theyre pretty..... also they have certain meanings sometimes#like i wear an owl ring cause it reminds me of my sis since she loved owls growing up and went to a uni with an owl mascot#i wear a dragon ring sometimes cause dragons remind me of my dad. for whatever reason.#idk its cause he tried to convince me i was born year of the dragon when i wasnt ?? idk funny guy lmao#and then i already said i wore snake stuff and crosses cause I Hate My Mom. also i was born a snake#also my dads a christian so :] i will wear two cross rings and a cross necklace tyvm love you pops i wish you were around more#uhhh did i want to say anything else. idk im just dumping about my emo bullshit thanks for reading 鈽狅笍鈽狅笍#if this wasnt my yakuza blog id actually just show the haul i got today BUT i will spare you lot from my emo bullshit#ok ill kill the tags here now im SILLY
10 notes View notes
orcelito 1 year ago
Text
Can't let anyone forget about my practically obscene love of mushrooms. I will post about it constantly.
#speculation nation#im a little freak actually so i hope my collection of new followers r fine with that#loving mushrooms is not freak material but the level that i love them kind of is#this isnt even getting into my other odd eating habits. of which i have many.#or my habit of sampling anything and everything at work so long as it's Technically edible#up to and including plain matcha concentrate and rose concentrate and vanilla paste#and hazelnut extract and vanilla extract and caramel extract and#ive eaten plain coffee beans before and in fact DELIGHT in taking the lemon ginger shots. just plain lemon juice mixed with ginger juice#ginger juice as in just juice from the ginger. not a ginger beer no just straight ginger concentrate. i love that shit.#let's see what are other things ive sampled at work...?#plain sugar syrups. always awful. hate sweet shit like that. i will still sample them tho if i get some on me#uhm. boba dough. which ive heard unprocessed tapioca is uh. toxic. but i think ours is processed?#i havent gotten poisoned from it yet! and handmade boba dough is actually pretty tasty#raw store bought boba is one of the worst tastes and textures ive ever experienced tho#which yes i have sampled that too. and spat it out bc i couldnt bring myself to swallow. awful awful awful.#it's kinda a running joke at my workplace that i will sample basically Anything#i cant help it 馃槶 the other day there was a lil bit of vanilla paste left over on the tablespoon#so i just went and dripped it into my mouth w/o thinking on my way to put the tablespoon in the dish area#& the employee just saw me physically cringe. drop the tablespoon at the sinks. then rush to the hand washing sink to rinse my mouth#& he was just like. 'did you just SAMPLE that????'#& i had to be like. '....yeah馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶'#to b fair some months ago he saw me sample the rose extract. run to the sink to rinse my mouth#then 15 mins later. not learning my lesson. sample the vanilla extract. then run to the sink to rinse my mouth.#the vanilla extract was slightly nicer than the rose extract. bc at least it didnt make my tongue numb (like the rose did)#Flavor Shock. that shit's real man#anyways ramble post is rambles. i just dont want anyone to think im cool or anything lmfao
7 notes View notes
bryverros 10 months ago
Text
every time i think about tdot, i instanly have one song playing in my head. right where you left me. it just captures the feeling of merlin finale so well? it feels like the endless wait, like never fully moving on, like never completely recovering from losing someone. it feels like the constant reflection on what was and it feels so utterly gloomy. it feels like trying to move on, trying to keep living and yet there's always a shadow of the crashed hopes and dreams, and of the groudless hope that, maybe, one day, something will be different. it feels like merlin, forever waiting for arthur to come back.
2 notes View notes
came0dust 1 year ago
Text
Tumblr media
frankly i like the things i learned while making this more than the result itself and i wasnt really sure i even wanted to post it in part due to that but if i do keep iterating on the process i used during it, i feel this is valuable context
oh also before i forget: the sketch was done using this brush instead of the one i made earlier
5 notes View notes
jorvikzelda 1 year ago
Text
I finished the stripe B)
#well. like.#I actually did like half an hour ago and now I鈥檝e spent the past half hour winding the next yarn colour into a ball#you see the blanket has a previous incarnation which was shit and bad#and I decided not to put myself through the hell of unwinding it All At Once so now instead im doing it colour by colour#so before i move on from one stripe to the next I have to first wind the next stripe into a ball#and the old blanket is so badly made that it takes a really long time because the yarn is like. all tangled up in itself#ALSO I FUCKED UP MY FINGER SO BAD MAN#I won鈥檛 go into detail because thinking about it has my anxiety acting up and I know I鈥檓 not the only person with Issues on here#*into detail about The Causing Of The Injury. i am in fact going into detail about the following idiocy and annoyingness that it entails#but cw/tw for like. I鈥檓 talking about a minor injury in the form of a small cut/scratch#but basically i fucked around and found out a bit too hard earlier today and now i have like a. shallow cut. scratch. whatever running along#my left middle finger. (also because this is tumblr I will add please note it was not on purpose I was genuinely just being stupid as hell.)#it is relevant that it is specifically my left middle finger. why you may ask? well. i am right handed. so i hold my crochet hook in my#right hand. and as a consequence my yarn in my left. and my yarn runs between. you guessed it. my middle and index fingers. meaning it runs#right above my middle finger knuckle. which. you guessed it. is where my little scratch cut is. and I was AGAIN an idiot so I was not#wearing a bandage. (thought it was fine because it had already kinda scabbed over.) and then i get off my what. 2? 3? hours of crochet and#go to brush my teeth and im like oh wow why is that all irritated. and then im like. OHHHH FUCK I HAD SCRATCHY WOOL YARN RUNNING OVER IT.#so yeah I am adding unscented soap And saline to my shopping list for tomorrow !#and praying to every god on earth and beyond it doesnt get infected#(it probably wont like. ive had cat scratches that were realistically probably worse than this. plus I鈥檓 taking vitamin gummies that are#specifically immune system boosting since like a week back because I got tired of getting a bunch of colds so hopefully they will also help#my nice little white blood cells fight off any bacteria here :) )
4 notes View notes