#im for sure going to break next week
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#it went!!! idk lately my pain treshhold has been so low bc im in pain all the time#so i just dont wnna be in pain anymore... he said that now it'll still hurt for a few days T-T#but he wasnt exactly sure what it was but i had.. a cavity??#im not rlly sure abt the english terms for all of this but the tooth is dying lol#but instead of immediately killing it nd getting a root fill he said that we should give the tooth a chance#so he fixed what he could fix#i hate dentist treatments bc of all the air nd water nd my anxiety i need to swallow constantly#but this time i actually told them abt it nd he was very helpful sksks#he even said 'ok now take a break nd swallow' so i didnt need to be so anxious#nd it was a relief bc he wasnt bad at all. he was actually rlly nice nd easy to talk to phewww#it cost abt $80 so i can manage to be without that until next week!!!!#so yeah it went much better than i had anticipated so im happy abt that#but yeah the problem still isnt 100% fixed yet so im still not relieved#he said i had a cavity in my other tooth as well but that we needed to check that at another time#im so frustrated bc i brush my teeth 2/day i use mouthwash i floss....#and for the last 7 months i havent even had any sugar!!!!! like why did this still happen.. o.o#oh nd he also said that i probably clench my teeth nd yeah i do that a lot more than i've realized#your teeth arent supposed to be touching!! never!! only when u eat#my teeth.... are touching pretty much all day omg. bc im so tense nd anxious#he said that he couldnt be sure bc he didnt have enough info to go on but that could have contributed to this#well well... i did it nd went even if i didnt want to#hopefully my tooth will be better now. nd i have another appt in may to see what i could get done further#if financial aid for it gets approved tho it might not#but yeah.. god dental pain nd issues is my no. 1 fear bc im poor nd i cant afford it
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the guy ive been dating for two months hasnt replied to my messages in a few days 😳 i think i got ghosted??
#i was thinking of breaking things off with him so im not toooooo upset#show some human decency and just tell me youre no longer interested pls#dating was going okay but i was getting bored#maybe this is a sign from the universe to stop wasting my time on men like this#ANYWAY im having a coffee with my old crush next week (im still not over her)#should i ask her out hehehe#this is the devil speaking im pretty sure she wasnt into me#but i wanna try anyway haha
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thank u for the tag @odegoob :))
last song: if you want me to stay by sly & the family stone. im a sucker for a 70s funk bassline
favourite colour: orange!
currently watching: just restarted midnight mass...happy almost easter lmao
spicy/savoury/sweet/(sour)/(salty): wish it werent true, but ive got a major sweet tooth
relationship status: single
current obsessions: yeah its almost like I broke down and dedicated a whole additional sideblog to the arsenal 😅 although baseball is starting up again so I expect that to consume some section of my brain soon enough
I think about everyone has been tagged, but if im forgetting anyone please consider this an open tag! <3
#while the international break will be fun to watch im going to miss the boys a LOT these next few weeks...not sure what ill do for serotonin#thanks these are always fun!!#lmao you tagged me days ago but I forgot to post it lmao
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stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying
I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.
#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake.#The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes#and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose#bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day#Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget#hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide#again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite#a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve#ybody#and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll#run out of money and die#you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it#wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good!#so true bestie. so ture#Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t#me for a while#all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break#also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will#happen after each person in my family dies.#the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old#the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit#and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age#i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself#i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f
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ordered steam deck and bought baldies gate :3
#mine#i know i said i was going to order it tomorrow but i lied i realized today is better because itll ship tomorrow either way#and im busy tomorrow so easier to sit down and do it today#ordered a few accessories too nothing crazy#protective case with a little kickstand (some reviews said it was flimsy some said it was strong so ill use it until it breaks#and then ill do something else idk we'll cross that bridge when we get to it) and an anti glare screen protector thingy and a microsd card#originally i wasnt gonna get the last one but then i was like well...it's not expensive...it doubles my storage...#and i also realized i definitely want to do some emulating so i figured i can put emu stuff and indie games on the sd card#which is what most people say you should do#and then all my higher resource games (bg3 for sure and then other ones as well) will go on the internal ssd#WHEEE IM EXCITED#steam said 3-5 biz days for delivery so i assume itll come end of this week or early next week#accessories should get here between the 5th and the 7th so not too much of a delay
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Prayer circle I can distract my dad with enough other stuff tomorrow he won't get shitty with me 🙏🙏🙏🙏
#hes coming over to “assess the car” he let just break down on me and wouldnt help me figure out what was up with it#he's tried to sell it to work buddies multiple times the last year and I'm like dude it /doesn't run/#the only place its going is to be towed as scrap#it was dangerous when i toppd driving it i can only imagine now#anyway i want to continue my fun Halloween weekend fingers crossed i can just talk him into lunch and we can do car stuff next week#hes just like that and im sure he'll get mad it doesnt work and project it at me
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16k words 16k words 16k words
#i have one more part to write pretty sure :)#i might write a little epilouge but only if im feeling up to it#anyways hi. hows it going#im tired. senioritis is hiting extda hard bc my spring break starts next week lol
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now that the insomnia fic is finished i can focus on the other fics i want to write but one of them is huge. giant. and here i am. writing it for a silly little rarepair
#shigegou nation i need you now#taylor.txt#ANYWAY idk when that one will be finished. the IDEA is very ambitious but im not sure what thatll translate into re word count#i may split it into a few chapters. likely no more than idk. 3?#anyway. i did not fill my queue. i am back to school. it is midterm season. i did not study during my study break#basically i dont expect to get these fics done in a timely fashion. and id still like to take a stab at nano too#so im going to try to divide my time between school work and writing mostly#also my anipoke watch. im sub 40 episodes to the end of it. and boy am i not having good time. but im determined#by christmas i will have writing done. and i’ll be virtually done with school. and itll be beautiful. manifesting#anyway next on my list is for the stalking prompt but since thats in like nine days and ive got about 100 words so for. its not looking good#since i have uh. 3? biggish tests coming up in the next two weeks. that i really have to study for cause idk shit about fuck#not to mention the regular assignments and whatnot. and oh my god i forgot to fold my laundry#ANYWAY GOOD NIGHT. after i fold my laundry
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#ay ay ay. my head feels like its stuffed completely full of cotton. bulging at the seems#its just that wrung out ive been crying too much feel. i just had to do a bunch of application stuff yesterday night#and there were way too many tears so i work up out of focus with salt in my eyelashes. so i wasnt that productive despite the fact i really#need to b rn. and i met with my boss for our weekly meeting and its just so many things i have to do#like theres this procedure for some new equipment we have and im testing it out but like she wants to see it in action and im like treading#close to dangerously unstable so the chances i burst into tears in public is quite high which is why i hide in my apartment and only go to#the lab when no ones there. but no im prob gonna have to go in Thursday and have to go drive like and hr away next week so we can hopefully#have all the equipment we need for another project thats gonna kill me. plus we got contacted by a group we were gonna work with last year#who wanna work with us again. which is objectively good like itll look real good on a cv to b involved and like even non science ppl would#prob find it cool. but i csnt feel any of that bc i dont kno how im gonna be able to go back and forth contacting the other lab group i#have to work with in order to do everything. which its like itll b fine#ive done it before. 2 of the 3 things i have done before so itll be fine. it just doesn't feel like it#it feels like im dissolving into pieces and everythings spinning too fast. theres a film between myself and everything else so i cant touch#anything and it cant touch me.#and its weird bc i know that burning myself out is what got me here but i still cant detatch myself from the soul crushing guilt of not#making every second productive. its disorienting bc my brain will b like: u should just stay here over break and get stuff done#and like no. thats objectively the worst thing i could possibly do. i just feel like a wet glob of paper towels. ive already committed#myself to only 13 days being gone. only have to trudge through like 21 days 1st. how? no idea#like im sure itll b fine but somethings gotta give before my brain implodes beyond repair. if were not there already#ay everytime my boss says something nice abt me to someone it just feels like a knife in the gut. like shes not lying but i just feel like#ive fallen so far that shes talking abt a past verson of me and it makes me sad. like idk how obvious it is but im sure i have terrible#vibes irl lol like the sort of pained twisted up little smiles u make when u dont wanna lie but u dont wanna b honest ay#itll b fine. i can feel the floorboards giving way so somethings close to giving just have to see where and in what form the metaphor#actulizes. hopefully it does so quickly bc im bored and tired of living like this. and i dont really wanna go home and explode into tears#like a child and have my parents deal with me. which they would bc theyre great. i just dont wanna worry them sigh...#unrelated#i should sleep bc i gotta get up and burn my brain out being a scribe tomorrow morning. at least i get to hang out with someone cool
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the audacity of some people
#this little shit (my roommate's bf) said a story how there was someone trying to break into peoples apartments and yk in our neighbourhood#(he lives next door) & I said well im never going out again and he said well you never leave the apartment like how do u know my schedule#and I said well I walk everywhere or make sure to come home before it gets dark plus you and my roommate literally spend all day at his#apartment so you are the one to talk#it must be nice having a car and driving everywhere and not having a job but you live rent free bc your parents own the apartment buildin#like you try working 9-5 five days a week and lets see how your weekends feel
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I think kids like me because I'm friend shaped and also don't know how to talk to grown ups
#im 26 but look maybe 20 on a good day#so old enough to look like (and be) a Responsible Grown Up Person#but im only 5'2 and scrawny-soft#and i will kneel/sit on the floor to bring myself to your level and talk to you about your favorite animal#i had a kid this week not want to cuddle with mom (not entirely sure if it's the same way outside of the hospital and it was just the#setting of cuddling with mom here means she's going to hold me still while something painful happens but i wouldn't be surprised if physical#affection is lacking outside the hospital too) but mom started freaking out when we gave the kid an iv so after I told mom to take a break#and id stay with kiddo and i sat next to her and she snuggled right up to me#my heart broke for that little girl#her mom wouldn't stop saying i love you when we were doing the iv and so much of me wanted to say “stop she's going to associate 'i love#you' with pain“ but who am i to tell someone how to parent in this setting?#anyways#have yall read that new omegaverse fic where patrick begs pete for a baby even though it's completely absurd#same dude
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*through gritted teeth* this will be worth it this will be worth it this will be worth it
#growing weary of the grind lads#i was not cut out for the zero free time lifestyle#but it’s just until the end of the semester#in January im cutting back my hours at work#and i only have 5 classes next semester#tentatively hopeful to be able to have one day of no school no work no commitments in my week then#that’s supposed to be saturday this semester but i have so little time during the week i have to do my little chores plus so much#schoolwork which like. I shouldn’t complain about because I’m fortunate to have the physical health and the resolve to go at this pace and#to perform well in school while being able to pay my way without debt#but nobody should have to go at this pace to make everything work u know#me and one of the dnd homies are in the same boat schedule wise and im really grateful to have their perspective on it being necessary to#have at least one thing you do just for yourself scheduled in to make sure you don’t completely neglect yourself#also that madman is planning another fucking campaign that neither of us have time for but you know what I did on my break at work yesterda#i started creating my new character
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i've sent my thesis poster and zoom link to two of my undergrad professors, hoping they have a forwarding email for the retired professor whom i blame for my whole second degree in this shit
#i'm not expecting any of them to join but i wanted to give a little sense of what i'm up to#i miss them and i love them and i'm !! holy shit my five year reunion is next fall. woagh#embarrassing! local adult has affection and relative pride in undergraduate alma mater#i mean i paid [REDACTED] to attend and have [REDACTED] left in loans so i would sure fucking HOPE i do#blah blah blah#thesisposting technically#vibrates excitedly. two and a half weeks#i should get going on my defense presentation powerpoint. lol#screeches#remember what i made you all promise to me last year when i thought i was defending in april: i take a break before applying for a phd#HA! JOKE'S ON YOU THIS SEMESTER WAS MY BREAK#im just trying to convince myself to focus on one (1) or two (2) things at a time. and start looking into programs AFTER. my defense#im not trying to find and start one in the spring though 1000%#gonna take the spring to research and visit and apply and hopefully find a place that i LOVE because that would be 5 years of uh.#living and working and Being the Program. and if i don't love it i won't finish it.#like i don't feel passionate about the school im getting my MA at. but ive also had a full-time job i love with people that i love so#my community and support is currently at my job!#but if im gonna commit. i need to make sure i can have a community of support at the next thing.#look at me Not Focusing on the one (1) or two (2) things i keep needing to focus on. lol
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going out for coffee with the rest of the group next week and i got so excited that as soon as i was out of sight my legs nearly gave in
#basically one of my ‘values’ as dbt calls it is to ‘feel a sense of belonging’#and one of my goals to achieve that sense of belonging was to go outside with everyone during break every week for the whole break#everyone was rlly sweet abt that and said that would be rlly good#and then as we are leaving one of the girls asked if i wanted to go for coffee with everyone and im so mad i couldnt today#but then we just agreed that we’ll go next week cuz theres a shopping centre right next to where we have group#and they said they wanted to make sure they i knew that i could always come + and that they like me#and basically all of them said it would be great to have me there#and i cannot get over how fucking ecstatic i am#i havent hung out with people my own age since i was TWELVE. ive been so weird and isolated and just not around#AND NOW IM GOING FOR COFFEE AFTER GROUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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