#im hoping it's an early season problem and maybe it will turn itself around for me????

[queenerdloser]

i started miss sc*rlet and the duke bc i enjoy period mysteries but uh the third ep might have ruined me for it. i mean, even leaving aside the annoying plotline of having the antagonist of the week be a militant feminist activist (yeah we’ve never seen THAT before wow so original) i’m finding it really really hard to continue liking their male lead after he laughs and agrees with and smirks at every sexist comment made by every single goddamn man in this entire episode. (what the fuck!!!!!) especially since there’s just like. what feels like very little response from our female lead about his behavior???? 

and we come through the plot about women’s rights to find eliza... backing down on making a stand for the respect she deserves??? on every suffragette being portrayed as crazy or stuffy??????? on the sympathetic male lead telling our female lead over and over she’s naive and shouldn’t be a detective and literally taking control of who she talks to because he “knows better” than her. i’m losing it. i cringe’d my way through the entire thing bc i was sure there HAD to be a moment where they would turn it around and plow their way out of the microaggressions and blatant sexism taken at face value with little more than like... a perfunctory clapback, when the show’s entire premise is about breaking boundaries with a female detective and yet!!!! and yet!!!!!! they never did!!!!! what the fuck!!!!!

[ddosie]

# 2 and soobin for the prompt please!

you wouldn't say you were the sentimental type.

things came and went. kids grew into adults. that was just how life was. people grew apart, sometimes closer, and it was all expected.

you just never thought you would have to face it yourself.

it was a problem that you had only read about in story books. the handmaiden watches the price she fell in love with get married. she moves on. the king lets go of the memories of his favorite knight. he moves on. the queen loses her son, her only son. she moved on.

they all moved on. so why couldn't you?

"class! class! let's start this school year by introducing ourselves! i'll go first. my name is ms. hilton, and i'm your english teacher for this year! i've worked at this school for a long time now, and i can't wait to teach all of you kids!

okay, now that i've done my introduction, shall we go along the classroom and introduce ourselves? starting from you sir, yes you with the white and black sneakers. please start by telling us your name and a fun fact about yourself."

you watched as the said boy stood up, pushing his hair back with his hand.

"uh... hi everyone, i'm soobin, and one fun fact about me is i went to Europe this year."

as the next person got up to introduce themselves, you found yourself staring at him.

jeez, he was tall for a middle schooler.

the sun is filtering through the blinds in your room, and rays of light are being painted across the walls. everything is a golden color, from the desk to the bedside.

"so... what topic are we choosing for this project?" you watched through the lens of your glasses as soobin furrowed his brow.

"do you think, maybe aristotle?" you nodded your head eagerly, so soobin stood up and walked over to the teachers desk. a second later he sent you a thumbs up.

"aristotle it is."

you twirled your pen in your fingers as soobin took a seat. "hey do you want to work on the project with me over the weekend? i know a really good café...?"

there was a small smile on your face, and you nodded.

"yeah sure, what time?"

you got up from your chair, grabbing a camera. in this lighting, the room was just too pretty to not take a picture of.

"y/n, for someone of that height, there is no reason you should be walking that fast."

you sent a small smile to the long-legged boy trying to catch up with you in the hallway.

"if you don't want to be late to class bin, you're going to have to put those legs to work."

you let soobin catch up with you, and you slowed down your pace from thereon so the two of you could walk side by side. soobin pointed at the trophy shelf.

"do you think we'll win this year too? i hope we do, yeonjun promised a party at his house if we get placed first."

you gave soobin a reassuring pat on his arm.

"you'll be finneee... if you win, i'll take you out to icecream after."

the boy turned to look at you, a smile creeping into his eyes.

"really?"

"really."

fiddling around with the camera, you brushed the light dust that had collected on the top off. you watched as the particles were swept away, dancing in the dying sunlight.

"we should do this every year."

you turned to look at soobin lying next to you, ice-cream sandwhich in one hand, while the other was tucked behind him, supporting his head. he was looking above, admiring the night sky.

"you mean climb some random apartment stairs to get to rooftops? and risk our lives every season game to see a different view of the city at night?"

soobin let out a small laugh. "yeah, well when you put it that way, it does sound bad." you smiled, lying down with your own ice-cream sandwich, propping an arm under your head.

"...i meant the icecream tradition. you'll be there for my next season game, right?"

now it was your turn to admire the night sky.

"of course. i wouldn't miss it for the world"

grabbing a tissue, you went to work at the camera, cleaning dust from all crevices and corners of the lenses. you were surprised. when was the last time you had even taken a photo on this thing?

"hey bin, what's up?"

grabbing your phone and placing it on your desk, you made yourself comfortable, ready for any facetime tea he would spill.

"ah, y/n..." you watched as he ran a hand through his hair from the other side of the screen. "i don't think... i don't think i'll be able to make it to your birthday this year."

there was a quiet silence. you felt like you'd been punched in the gut.

"if i can ask, um, why?" you fiddled with the hem of your hoodie, waiting for an answer.

"the schedules for the basketball game lineups just came out, and the final season game is happening on your birthday. i just wanted to tell you in case we do win that far and i won't be able to come."

you decided to smile at the way soobin had said just in case they win. the two of you were in your sophomore year, and he hadn't lost a game since middle school.

"yeah, don't worry about it soob. we can still get icecream after."

you felt a turn in your stomach when the boy gave you a relived smile, running a hand through his hair again.

"that's all i wanted to say, i've got to go now"

"hm? why?"

"chem tutoring. these freshman are horrible at science."

adjusting the camera, you zoomed in on random objects in your room. the bookshelf. your water bottle. the lamp. click. click. click.

“did you hear? that senior yeonjun will be throwing a bigger party than last year! are you going y/n?”

you shrugged. “when is it?”

“I think it‘ll be this saturday.”

"can’t. I’ll be out of town”

"for what?

“college. I sent an early application, and one of them reached out and wants me to tour the campus. if i go, I’ll have a guaranteed spot next year, and I probably won’t have to apply to any others.”

your friend let out a low whistle and patted your head.

"well when you put it like that, I guess you really can’t go… but maybe we could get something after the game? i heard the ice cream place was still open”

just like that, a mere sentence felt like a silent punch to the gut.

you looked away from your friends face, scanning the cafeteria unknowingly. you were met with the view of a senior tussling soobin's hair, an arm slung across his neck. you could hear their loud conversation even from where you were sitting.

"you coming to my house after the game? me and the guys we're planning to get some icecream and stay over at my house for the night."

you thought you saw something flash in soobins eye's before he smiled, nodding in agreement.

abruptly standing up, you tossed an apology to your friend about how you wouldn't be able to make it and you had just remembered you had some important emails to send. you didn't want to be around when the words of confirmation came out of his mouth itself.

so much for a flash. the last time you had icecream with him was two years ago.

adjusting the lens once more, you caught your eye on a ticket stuck between two books on your desk. you slowly pulled it out. it was blue and grey, your school colors. there was a hole punched on the bottom, indicating it was used.

"and it's the last two minutes of the game, and hybe high is in the lead! if they can make this basket, it will guarantee a regional win for the school. oh! there goes hyunjin... passing to donghyuck who... also just passed to eric who, jeez, passed to soobin...! look at that! look at that!! we are in the last minute everyone, and if captain of hybe high makes this basket, like i said they will be the regional winners!!"

you let the sound of the announcer wash over you, leaning forward in your seat to watch the game.

for some reason you kept coming back. to this gym. to the basketball games.

to soobin.

it had been over a year since the two of you had really talked, the last icecream run being well over three years ago (a promise to go before your birthday was conveniently broken), and the last facetime was to ask for calculus answers.

you knew that you had faded out of the life of the star basketball player.

you just couldn't accept it.

"and soobin gets closer to the rim... oh! it looks like taehyun from bighit acadmy is a pretty good blocker... anyways look at him go! we have twenty second left, and even if he doesn't score hybe is still in for a win... okay, okAY?? WAIT WHAT!! WHAT!!"

there's a loud screech of the intercom that mixes with the cheers of the crowd. you found yourself on your feet, fists pumping in the air in celebration alongside the students in the bleachers despite yourself.

"AND CHOI SOOBIN SECURES THE PLACE OF HYBE HIGH IN DISTRICT REGIONALS!! ONCE AGAIN THE ACE HAS TOPPED EVERYONE AND BRANG HIS TEAM TO VICTORY!!"

you held the ticket tenderly. on the backside was stamped senior, a marker that counted as a discount for the upperclassmen that wanted to watch the game. flipping it over again, you felt a wave of something hit your stomach as you took in the grey and blue.

"hey y/n, wait up!"

you whipped around at the sound of an all too familiar voice.

there, stood soobin, in all his six foot and one inch glory.

"you.." he panted, hands on his knees as if he had run a million miles. "you walk too fast. what's the rush? you were cheering for me so loudly."

there was that feeling again. of being punched in the gut. by that invisible hand that seemed to favor your stomach whenever soobin was around.

"ah, you know... just getting home."

you tried not to stare too long. soobin had grown, matured. the baby face he donned as a middle schooler was gone, only his dimples a reminder of the childhood smiles you shared together.

"you're not... going anywhere? going straight home?"

you gave him a small smile. "...yeah. i'm going soon, so i really need to pack. good game though! you really did good this time around."

"going soon... to where y/n? are you taking a road trip without me?" you sensed a wary tone under his teasing words. three years apart, and this was the news you would have to tell him. curse the fates.

"yup! im, ah... moving cross country. i got accepted a while back."

you could already see the question in his eyes. how far? which major? on campus or near?

why didn't you tell me?

there was a moment of silence while you rocked back and forth on your heels. soobin pushed his hair back, looking into your eyes.

the heaviness of a thousand unanswered questions weighed in the air.

"so... want to catch up over icecream?"

as you held the basketball ticket from senior year, you realized three things.

one: you were the sentimental type. you clung onto old memories and good times like they were life jackets, keeping you afloat in the mundanity of your new life.

two: you didn't really like the idea of always moving on. it seemed so easy in the story books, that after a couple years the queen goes back to her ordinary life, the king appoints a new knight, and the princess finds someone she truly loved. but was there a time where you would just stop caring? was there a day you would wake up and didn’t think about what could have happened, the if only’s and what if’s?

three: you couldn't move on. you prided yourself on being able to move faster, walking a pace before everyone else. life was a journey, and you were going places. quite literally. you were floating when everyone was sinking.

but you were only floating because you had your life jacket.

...

things came and went. kids grew into adults. that was just how life was. people grew apart, sometimes closer, and it was all expected.

you clutched the ticket in your hand, the end slightly wrinkled by your fingers.

you just never thought you would have to face it yourself.

[curly-q-reviews]

VALENTINES DAY SPECIAL

Below Her Mouth, 2016 (dir. April Mullen)

WARNING SPOILERS AND LOTS OF SEX TALK AHEAD TREAD WITH CAUTION

HEY Y’ALL we interrupt the regular programming for a special feature!!  i always like to do a lil valentines day special viewing for the sake of being festive and for once ive actually gotten some dating action in my life so i was in the mood to watch some sweet romance and then review it for ur reading pleasure (emphasis on the PLEASURE ehugeguehgehgeugeghe) (assassinate me now i deserve it)

to preface this, i am VERY gay.  well uuhhh bi but a very GAY bi u know??  basically i curse my attraction to men every waking moment of my life.  ive known about this since my last few years of college and am out to basically everyone whos important, and a lot of my friends are lgbtq+ so u know its official and everything.  i dont really claim to be a Gay Expert  cause i actually am still lacking a lot of uuhhh physical experience if u catch my drift HOWEVER like a true scholar i have done my fair share of research.  which mainly includes watching really shitty lesbian movies and mocking them (and every so often watching a rare Good Lesbian Movie and crying A LOT). 

if u are of sapphic inclination as well then u probably already know the kind of reputation lesbian romance movies have overall, the prime examples of which would be movies like Room in Rome and Loving Annabelle.  these movies all seem to have one thing in common, and its that the directors and writers have no goddamn clue about how to write a convincing and authentic lesbian romance.  u also always get the sense that the male gaze is the one being prioritized cause theres always PLENTY of gratuitous sex and the romance part itself is uuhhhh never really developed well or thoroughly enough at all.  these movies are usually about a straight girl who discovers her affinity for the feminine when she meets a total stranger and suddenly cant stop thinking about how much she wants to bang her.  and then in-between all the banging they somehow find the time to fall madly in love with each other but the straight girl just CANT cause shes STRAIGHT or she has a FIANCE or her PARENTS wouldnt approve or whatever the fuck the conflict of the day is and either it ends with them never seeing each other again or with the straight girl coming to terms with her not-straightness and ***follow her heart*** or whatever

really the only lesbian movies i can recall actually enjoying would be Pariah (PLEASE check this movie out its so heart-wrenching and beautiful and its like a majority-black cast!!!) and Blue Is the Warmest Color (this one i loved at first but the more i reflect on it the more problems i find with it, ESPECIALLY with how much sex is in it).  and then The L Word is a stellar tv series up until like the last few seasons which are trash but otherwise it was a great watch for me, especially while i was still figuring things out.  i feel like there are more that ive seen that were pretty good but i cant think of them at the moment WHOOPS LOL

so with Below Her Mouth i was apprehensive but hopeful going in, although i had heard rumors that it was Real Bad.  and u know i shouldve listened to those rumors and not bothered with this movie cause WOW its bad!!!  script is TRASH, acting is TRASH WITH FEBREEZE SPRAYED ON IT, and it looks like an artsy pretentious film student shot it.  natalie krill had maybe one good acting moment in the whole 90-minute run time and erika linder is really really hot and those are the only two good things i can think to say about this

fuck ok uuhhh i guess ill talk about the main characters cause OH WOW theyre basically two walking talking cliches.  jasmine (yes her name is jasmine that totally doesnt sound like the name of a character in a porn at all) is our Token Straight Girl who has a fiance and is a fashion editor.  she first sees our other romantic lead while working on the roof of a house next door to hers.  shes ur typical Lesbian Romance Movie Butch, too cool for school and unable to commit to anyone ever and is kind of an asshole but somehow this is supposed to endear u to her.  oh and guess what her name is.  just guess.  ill give u a few minutes.

DALLAS ITS FUCKING DALLAS HOOWEE WHAT A SHOCKER

the first thing we see of dallas, and this is also the first fuckin shot of the movie, is her uuhhh scissoring her girlfriend???  humping her?????  i really dont know what shes trying to accomplish but shes clearly not having any fun while doing it and her girlfriends like “i love u” and shes like “im moving out bye” and thats it

real compelling i know

so jasmine and her bff manage to stumble upon the lesbian bar in town (which dallas calls a girl party???  why??????) where dallas meets her and proceeds to be completely and utterly creepy in ways ive only ever seen men be which is the first indicator that the person who made this movie, april mullen, is maybe not gay at all (or maybe she is and just has horrible taste?? idk man).  but somehow the creepiness is a real turn on for ol’ jazzy and they start making out IMMEDIATELY but then jasmines like “i have a fiance gotta go!!!!” and yeets herself out of the situation

but of course this is a lesbian romance so u know they meet up again and proceed to have like half an hours worth of steamy gratuitous porn-style sex.  there was a lot of strap-on action involved and a lot of bizarre scissoring that i dont even think i can call scissoring cause it was more like they were just weirdly bumping their vagoos against each other and somehow that was getting them both off.  like sometimes the sex scenes in this movie bordered on tommy wiseau levels of weird. 

oh and of course the fiance finds out about this secret love affair but WOW do they really do this in the most dramatic and unintentionally hilarious way possible.  he literally comes home early from his business trip and walks in on dallas going to town on jasmine with a strap on in the bath tub, like theyre ferociously going at it.  i swear to god i felt like i was watching a comedy at times with this movie

piggybacking off of that, jesus christ this script is bad.  ooooohhhh its so bad.  dallas is given the cringiest tough guy lines, like shes drinking beers with a friend and the friend is like “oh man i gotta catch up to u” and, hilariously, dallas is like “you cant catch up cause nO oNe WiLl EvEr CaTcH mE” and i almost choked on my own saliva.  oh god wait heres another zinger, so when she first meets jasmine shes like “do u come to girl parties often (again why the everloving FUCK is she calling it a girl party????)” and jasmines like “i don’t come at all” and the next thing to come out of dallas’s suave sexy mouth is “TeRriBLe NeWs CaN i ChAnGe ThAt FoR yOu” OH my GOD

and good god shes so creepy.  like some of the shit she pulls is borderline sexual assault.  her and jasmine are just at a bar chillin and dallas reaches down and im like “oh ok shes gonna like put her hand on her knee classic move” but NOPE OH NO she just makes a beeline STRAIGHT for jasmines crotch IN THE MIDDLE OF A BAR!!!  THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND!!!!!!  OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at one point after another round of passionate lovemaking dallas brings jasmine back to her house and theyre in dallas’s truck and they just??  slap each other???  for no reason?????  except for True Love i guess????????????

jesus.  just.  this was an experience.  i would say dont bother watching it but i did at least have fun making fun of it so if thats ur sort of thing knock ur socks off, its on netflix.  but wow this basically fits the stereotype of a lesbian romance movie PERFECTLY, and when u really break it down its just a fancy porn.  i wouldnt even say its a porn geared towards actual wlw cause theres so many elements about the sex scenes that reminded me of the kind of lesbian porn thats made for straight men to jack off to.  0/10 BAD BYE

well shit ok i hope u all had a great valentines day!!  im gonna go start a roofing business in the hopes that i end up working on a roof of a house thats right next to a really hot straight girl with a fiance so i can try to finger-bang her in the middle of an occupied bar wish me luck!!!!!

[fusonzai]

Reconciliation through writing 1: Chuck Norris, my dad, me.

I was ten and it was a Saturday night at my Grandma’s house. My dad, my grandma and I were gathered around the TV killing time. We’d been living at my grandma’s for a while now as our new house was being built. Mum had gone to bed and I was waiting for my Dad to remember my bedtime. An ad came on for this average looking cop show, however the lead; a bearded All American looking man, sure knew how to fight. Being a kid and not wanting to go bed, any tv show seemed appealing, round house kicks or not.

My Dad also seemed to know a lot about this actor. We waited for the show to start as my dad told me all about how this was the toughest guy in Hollywood. He’d always beat up the bad guy and save the day, your 80’s ‘women wanted him, men wanted to be him’ archetype. This man would many years later spawn one of the earlier internet memes, but for now the internet was relatively dormant. The man was Chuck Norris, the show was ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’, and it was the catalyst of one of my fondest memories of time with my Dad.

(I reckon this movie still holds up)

I don’t know how to state this in any other way but, looking back on it all, my dad probably didn’t want to have a child. He had a not so conventional childhood and had never met his biological parents. I have these childhood memories of simply just not seeing him much. I remember missed birthdays and business trips. It would feel weird to see him home on a weeknight or before I went to school in the morning. He wasn’t absent per se but he was never quite there. Even when he was, it often felt forced, not straight out rejection but just relative reluctance.

What do you do when someone pulls away? You try even harder to bring them back. I wanted desperately to find a common thread with my Dad. My friends all seemed to get on much better with theirs. Why? Why not me? A child searching for shared interests with their parent seems crazy because it is. I’m entirely sure my Dad was also trying, in his own way to find those interests with me. I was my Mum’s child, I didn’t like sports and I had few friends. I could see how forming a relationship with a boy so attached to the other parent could be hard. So, what did we do? We played Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64. He was DK and I was Bowser. This game gave me a really nice couple of years with Dad, we’d play together a couple of nights a week when he was home. Then when he wasn’t, I’d try and get the fastest laps on all of the courses, and he’d wait till I was asleep to then in turn beat all my records. I remember one day when Mum and I went out on the weekend and I came home to see that Dad held the record on every single lap of every single course in the game.

It went on like this until the N64 reached its life cycle and my dad didn’t quite have the time or ability to master the new Gamecube version of MarioKart. I think this is why a few years later, watching Walker on the couch that night was so important.

One episode was all it took, I was hooked on this show. So was Dad. He tracked down the first season on DVD and we immediately went through all of it. Then began the Chuck Norris pilgrimage. Chuck Norris starred in a long string of films from the 70’s to the 90’s. Attempting to capitalise on the Bruce Lee pioneered martial arts film genre, American moviemakers had set their eyes on Norris. He was the villain in Bruce Lee’s ‘Way Of The Dragon’ and he was going to be their new star, bringing martial arts films to the West. These movies were comfort viewing, you knew what was going to happen, they all involved him beating up bad guys. There was never a plot twist or a disappointing ending. Chuck always got his guy, and got the girl. It felt as though my Dad was showing me this action star from when he was my age and sharing some of his experiences growing up. While at the same time, we were often watching movies neither of us had ever seen, having new experiences together.

Finding old Chuck Norris movies wasn’t as simple as it is now. Blockbuster still existed and DVD’s were in mass production. We’d search for rentals, then at JB Hifi and then online for international sellers. It felt like I had a purpose (however small it was) accompanying my dad to to JB Hifi, searching through every section for films we hadn’t seen, and then politely asking the staff to see if other stores nearby had any. Then whenever we got our hands on a new one, be that a lucky find or an online parcel being delivered months later, we’d watch it on a Saturday night. I got to spend time with my Dad, I felt like he wanted to spend time with me and I was frankly over the moon when he’d make that time.

(The adrenaline rush from just watching the roundhouse is amazing)

Eventually though, we ran out of movies.

I began high school, started distancing myself from my parents and by the time they divorced when I was 15, I had fooled myself into thinking I didn’t care. The first time I saw my Dad after he moved out, we went and saw an action film. It felt fine, he made me feel like divorce was this normal adult thing that happens and that everything would go back to normal. Of course, that wasn’t really the case. Two adults who had spent the better part of 20 years together ending a relationship isn’t something trivial. Having a child who is right in the middle of high school doesn’t make it any less trivial. It turned out that saying everything was fine, when it wasn’t, would only lead to problems later down the line.

Post-divorce, I was unconsciously looking for father figures. I’d want approval and praise from male teachers, I’d try extra hard in those classes to get good marks, to try and impress. Being at an all boys school, it seemed I wasn’t the only one searching for a substitute. The male sports teachers always had this flock of boys around them during yard duty, talking about fantasy football or whatever the running joke was at the time. I don’t want to say we were lacking father figures, maybe we were just lacking more examples of how to act as men. Having your father as a guide helps, but ultimately, you’re an amalgamation of everything around you, watching how others act and mimicking their behaviour.

In my early twenties I thought I finally understood the divorce and had decided at that time that I despised my dad for what had happened. Maybe I thought it was cool? In reality it was easier than accepting the fact that he was a flawed human, just like everyone else. That adoration I’d had as a child morphed into bottled resentment. I couldn’t condone his actions and I also couldn’t relate or understand them. During this time, I was afraid of two things, one: becoming just like him, and two: how I could not relate to this man even though I shared half my DNA with him. I just couldn’t comprehend what had happened with the divorce and how I was related to the man I saw as the aggravator of it.

I went from seeing him once a week, to once a month, to about once a year. He’d try. He’d try as best he could. I’d ignore emails for months because I could. Sometimes he’d call and I’d make up some sorry excuse.

It went on like this for a few years. Fortunately, I grew up a bit more and we’d get lunch. My girlfriend encouraged me to make the most of my time with him. She came with me to dinners and gave me the strength I needed to get over my own insecurities when it came to visiting. I’d have dinner with him, my uncles and his new partner. It could feel a bit forced but the good intentions were there and I’m grateful for it. However, they never felt like the kinds of interactions you should have with one of your parents. There was a familiarity in our conversations but they were always very surface level. We’d reminiscence and circle around familiar topics as opposed to having meaningful conversations. I still couldn’t reconcile what had happened and I still couldn’t relate. It turns out the first two years living abroad would really help me with this.

I’d always held the ideology that if two people loved each other they could always make it work. If one party didn’t want to make it work, then they clearly didn’t love the other. A naive ideology, but I was 25 and in the first serious relationship of my life. A relationship that had spent almost 2 years with an ocean between it. Flights back and forth started making the pain of the distance between visits only more evident. I loved this person but I didn’t want to keep dating like this. It’s hard to say what you want when you know how bad it will hurt the other person. Months of hesitation, failed attempts, and pondering if I should just endure through it helped me understand my Dad a bit better. I understood on a minor level how two people who love each other could end something. I also understood how easy (albeit cowardly) it was to do nothing about such a thing. Just hoping it would work itself out.

(Some translations: 浮気 is infidelity and 遠距離 is long distance, also Im in the green)

The break-up, the gaping space where the other person was and the struggle to find your individuality after being together so long. Experiences felt by all, experiences felt by me, experiences felt by my Dad. The shared experience of building yourself back up gave me an unexpected link to my Dad. I understood his actions post-divorce more clearly and began to realise that we were more similar than we were different. Just because I didn’t initially realise them when I was younger, didn’t mean that the similarities weren’t there. Throughout these six months or so of hardship, solitude and self-improvement, I reconciled long held grudges and found empathy where I once thought there was none. Even though I did this all alone, thousands of kilometres away, I was finally in a good place with my dad.

Then, in 2019 I saw my Dad get married for the second time in his life.

He booked me a flight home for the event. My life is going incredibly well. My job feels more grown up and, for the first time, I can see my career laid out in front of me. I had also found a partner who I was completely enamoured with. I’m excited to tell my dad how well it’s all going and he’s happy to hear it. We have lunch before the wedding, and everything feels like it’s come together. We’re both on cloud nine in our own way, him with his new wife to be and upcoming honeymoon, me with my dream job and finally a partner I could see my future with.

(My girlfriend said she preferred the vest)

The wedding day arrives and even now it still feels surreal. I can count my Dad’s family on one hand, including me. His wife on the other hand had more family than I’ve ever known, and I’d met approximately none of them up until this day. At the reception guests would ask “and what’s your relationship to the couple?”

“I’m his son.”

“Are you the groom’s nephew?”

“I’m his son.”

Unfamiliar faces cement the realisation that my Dad had found a new family, one that I’m understandably not a part of. There was a brief moment of shock but I came to accept it. Just as I had created a new life for myself as I got older and the people around me came and went, my dad had done exactly the same. Life isn’t meant to be stagnant and I can’t be angry at my Dad for trying to find a place to belong when I was doing the exact same thing he was. We were both still figuring it out as we went. I was truly happy for him; he had found someone that made him happy, and for the first time in years he actually looked happy too. While it took time to process the whole day, I’m glad I was able to go and be in the right frame of mind to cherish the occasion. It felt like a loop closing. I felt like we had finally reached some mutual understanding where I was able to go to his wedding and be okay. I couldn’t write this piece from anywhere other than a place of love and contentment.

Being there not only for the peaks but also for the troughs; that’s what family is for, right?

After the wedding we began keeping better contact, I spoke to him more about life events and we stayed better connected than we ever had before.

I emailed him just the other day. I’m currently quitting my job and the pandemic means I don’t know if I can get home with the price of flights. I sent him a chaotic jumble of words disguised as a sentence. He just replied:

“You are only an email and an online transaction away,“ with a smiley face emoticon of all things.

Suddenly it feels like it’s all going to be okay.

I am safe, I am supported, I am loved. He’s never stopped me from falling but he’s always helped me get back up afterwards.

I spent so many years expecting him to live up to an ideal I had created from what I saw around me. While it was understandable as a child, even as an adult I still saw him as that ideal as opposed to a person. It was only when I was able to accept him as that and not some impossible standard that I think our relationship improved. He only ever needed to be what he could be, he wasn’t anybody else’s father and I wasn’t anybody else’s son. He knows that I feel safe calling on him when I need advice and I know that he’ll listen and support me no matter what.

And that’s just it. Having that makes up for everything else. Knowing that someone is there in that capacity, knowing that that someone is my father, is more than enough. I’m looking forward to a time where we can watch Chuck Norris movies together again.

(The Big Day, 2019)