#im kin with this thing and i dont know if its ironic anymore

[px-0]

AYO‼️‼️‼️‼️ THIS GUYS PEEKIN AT BUTTHOLES ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️🫵🗣

[single-malt-scotch]

me and my controversial topics will stay under the cut lol.

i know i blabbed lightly of this probably but obviously one of the things that put me off from mcyt for a few years was when the "rpf is bad" opinion started circling the internet more frequently, in tumblr's 2014-2016 toxic callout culture era. i think that era shifted YT fandoms as a whole and turned loads of ppl to presenting creators with their "characters" specifically (like i recall this early on w markiplier and jacksepticeye) and clarifying it often. but i find this all very amusing when 80% of the ppl dont actually play characters at all, and ppl are either just writing "rpf" or theyre just turned a creator into their own OCs. i think its sometimes just a way to not associate with the idea of rpf even if its like, right there.

like, the problem i think is that the majority of fans, namely the young teens that are the main audience, are very consumed by purity culture and being free of problematic interests in such a black and white way. i get it, i understand why you dont want to be associated with rpf. when i think of weird and uncomfortable rpf i think of.... fan fiction of the Beatles, or something. a band or a movie actor is someone we can easily define as "not a character" but... when it comes to mcyt, its a little more grey, because i know some of them goof around in games and do bits and exaggerate themselves.

and yet i still think its counter productive to get caught up in these woes, and to deny what exactly it means for something to be rpf, or have rpf elements. ironically i think the indulgence people have with making them characters worsens the parasocial/obsessive/skewed lens people have on creators these days. how? well its bc of how ppl get super attached to characters... comfort characters, kinning, etc. i love characters just an intensely, but when you apply this to a youtuber who like, doesnt actually play a character? even tho you wanna act like they do? .....there can definitely be issues in that and its def what makes me not get into the fandom as it is. you elevate them with your view of them as a character by being able to indulge in them way further bc they are kind of "yours" now. but also theyre not really.

but specifically back to the rpf vs not rpf topic- basically what i really intend to say is that like. there is harm in becoming too concerned over what youre writing bc you can fall into that mindset of being far too aware in a way thats just gonna make you feel terrible all the time (i experienced this myself when i was like 15 on tumblr and wanted to avoid any potential of touching something "problematic"). this post isnt to declare you are writing rpf, or you arent, or whatever the"rules" are about when it is or isnt, but just that theres always time to just accept shit as it is when the blurry lines arent actually doing any harm in this case. and that even trying to force yourself into the seemingly right direction doesnt exactly solve all the other problems either.

cuz i did all the things ppl would wanna call me out for and i dont care at this point. i wrote fan fiction where the guys where more characters than themselves, in a fantasy world for the server. but i also wrote fan fiction that was irl and based during minecon! and it was smut. and all i can say to that now is...ok. im not even gonna sit around and vehemently condemn it either? even if i never plan to do it again. cuz i dont see the need to punish my past self, nor do i see the reason to continue questioning the nuances of where the line between hard rpf and hard fiction lies with this bc its a never ending conversation. its just not worth my time to worry anymore. i know how to not be weird about it, i know my boundaries between creator and fan, i dont even get near the extent that some people do... i feel like im aware enough to feel like im not causing harm/can make logical choices when issues arise. i was a niave teenager before, and wrote such things with little thought, and had a much less healthy mindset about it! but the way the internet laid on the pressure of these strict definitions was the moment i felt shame, and as if i couldnt ever redeem myself from actions i understand far better now. its really not worth the stress and heartache to get so caught up in it.

[jesterkard]

kard i tried to read the boycott thing but idgi... there's a lot to read there and i did read it all and maybe im dumb but i don't rly get the issue? is it bc some of the recent stuff has been buggy even after ptb? why does that mean the solution is boycott tho? can u pls explain like i'm 5 why ppl are so mad??

BHVR wont fix anything unless their image or their income is threatened (image: they added a mode for color blind people after a journalist? pointed it out repeatedly openly) (income: when the ultra rare outfits for jill and leon were released, people gave public headsups to save money and not buy the head cosmetics as they are the exact same (leons hair on his re4 cosmetic was like a bit longer. nothing too noticable), and suddenly BHVR added a patch and locked them into sets so that people could not avoid paying the full price for the exact same head cosmetic)

they do not listen to their community, that is very much known, its almost like they just purposefully ignore us bc they know the majority will keep playing <3

all in all I can say gameplay (technical): absolute increase of bugs each chapter. barely anything gets fixed. the UI speedup bug has been present for MONTHS. iron will not working on ground has been there for 2 years. there are bugs that make the game truly ehll to work with. I got hit through a wall last time I played. some killers are completely hell to go against bc there are NO counters and there is no fun (spirit). its a hell game and I wish they could actually start putting effort into this gameplay (practical): the game got extremely grindy. people do not have the lifestyle to play it 24/7 just to finish the rift where you get little amounts of shards. they made the game more focussed on money than gameplay. events lost their play value and its just there to either grind for iri shards to buy cosmetics or buy them for money. gameplay (content): content gets reused (some characters having the same animations. people pointed out the trees were all the same in autohaven wreckers just copy pasted. we dont evne get new maps anymore. some of the reowkred maps look genuinely bad). we get less content and more bugs that makes the game unplayable really. we got one map in the past 3 chapters (binding of kin had no chapter. all kill had no chapter. but now RE got one) but it got immediately locked like an hour into the release. its weird

again, BHVR will not listen if they dont lose something, due to them holding the throne in this area of games they really do not ahve any standing contestants. so people decided to simply just not spend any money for three months (which is little time, really, and easily done). as BHVRs only true successful game is DBD.

I think the way the content is and gameplay wise it delivers nothing for new players to stay, really. and so many bugs are frustrating to the point of people just quitting the game fully.

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[cwombw]

so.... somebody i was dating up until about an hour or two ago is abusive and an abuse apologist

i’m gonna keep it short and im going to leave out a lot of things from public view unless somebody asks to see it, mostly for my peace of mind, literally no other reason, rest assured i have chatlogs and screenshots of what happened between us.

edit: the person in question is jeremytheman and runs a few other blogs including a dear even hansen kin aesthetics blog, he also runs kinsational, a kinchat i originally created myself. (it was dumb to give him server owner permissions, i know.) if you are in kinsational i implore you to leave. i will be remaking kinsational myself later.

lets just start off with this copy paste i have here bc it sums up what happened.

nicc-Today at 2:06 PM

hes abusive and an abuse apologist i told him about somebody who hurt me and my girlfriend and he instantly sided with them despite not having any proof that i was lying he called me a liar multiple times within the past hour, accused me of manipulating him and abusing him and abusing this person. even after i gave him all the proof i could he admitted to having lied about loving me and being happy with me and accused me of making him feel suicidal

screenshot of the message so im not accused of faking it. (fixed some typos in the c/p lol)

last night i had a huge breakdown where because of something my girlfriend said to me and has been saying to me for a short while now, i thought that i HAD to dump both this person and my other boyfriend in order to not make my gf jealous or hurt anymore, it literally tore at my heart and after sleeping on it after talking to star about it i realized that i could be with them anyway, it wasn’t my fault nor was it on me because star made me think that and star was the one who needed to change, not me. i apologized to both of them.

i was in the middle of trying to figure things out with jeremy (debated whether or not to name drop him..) when somebody who i already have a callout for joined this kin server we were both in that i had JUST joined moments prior. panicking i pushed him away and left the server and blocked the server owner. immediately upon talking to the person i called out jeremy decided that i was lying and trying to abuse this person with no proof from their side and proceeded to hound me for proof (which i gave all that i had to him but apparently it wasn’t enough. this is ironic considering he believed me about my abuser before despite having the same amount of proof.) panicking, upset, and very hurt i split on him and tried both to convince him that i was telling the truth and cushion the inevitable by saying coping statements (even if unhealthy) such as “you never loved me”, etc.

he started accusing me of guilt tripping him and being abusive, explicitly stating that he thought i was abusing him. he then admitted that he has been lying and hiding how he’s really felt towards me since day one (which is essentially summed up to “i never loved you”)

he said that ive made him miserable and suicidal and says that him betraying me isn’t an excuse for me “abusing” him

he said that me leaving chats he was in to avoid people i didn’t want to be around or me leaving group chats he’s in because i want some alone time and i feel like i’m not good enough to be included in his dating circle is abusive and manipulative. this is straight up a tactic that my abuser has used against me in order to control me, which he would know about, considering that i have shown him what my abuser has done to me before.

he said that me saying i wanted to kms is abusive and manipulative, further fueled by the fact that i am genuinely suicidal, according to him. he knows that i am off my anti depressants, having vented about it before where he could see it, he also knows that i have attempted before, so i have a complicated relationship with suicidal ideation.

he says that me saying nobody cares about me is manipulative and guilt tripping, except that i don’t say it to do that or even think about it like that, its just me venting, because i genuinely believe that it is true unless im having a good day, which is rare now due to me being off my meds and not being able to see a therapist for some time now, another thing he is blatantly aware of.

i tried begging him to talk to me about things, i offered to drop my stance about defending myself and my girlfriend against the person i had called out and listen to him which he then called another guilt tripping/manipulation tactic, which, while i was desperate to just.. make him believe i was telling the truth and to not leave me, again, i never thought of it that way, nor did i intend for it to be that way, if anything i was hoping that he would at least talk things out with me properly if i stopped being so headstrong and brash.

i have no idea if he plans to turn people against me or make a callout for me, i hope not.

i myself have been telling people what hes done to me and how hes made me feel (more than one occasion has made me feel worthless and made me want to die, among other things) not to turn others against him but to warn him about the kind of person he is, if they side with him, that’s their decision, but i really don’t want to be around the people who would side with him about what went down, considering the context.

if you know him or have met him and you believe him and the person i called out please go ahead and let me know i will remove you from my life. i don’t do devils advocate and i dont do spies.