#im letting it upset me sm suddenly . ig bc i let myself have hope at some point. like an idiot. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

caruliaa · 1 year

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yk i think like. im trying desperately not to depress people around me w how close to doomerism i can veer but like. at a certain point its like. the effort and exhaustion that goes into maintaining just being alive in this world is not worth what comes from being alive and like. girlies we may have reached it. el oh el.

#like obvs its different for everyone like. what i really mean is that i have reached it or like. tht was always inevitably the case #for my life. which ik feels really depressing to say nd im sorry tht it makes ppl sad but idk like. its just true at a certain point #absolutely not from a lack of trying from the good things within my life to be clear not at all like. ik have sm great parts to my life #tht like. just mean so so much to me and im so so lucky to have but as upsetting as it is to say and think abt #at a certain point having to choose between being trapped in a situation were you can never authentically exist or like #have any control over your life and exist on your own terms even in v small ways while having to constantly be around people whove #caused you so much pain and trauma and hurt and being is a situation were like. at best your constantly working to afford living and you #are constantly exhausted by this and have no time for being yourself anyway and at worst you just cant afford anything and you die #and that could happen to you at any point idk like. these are my two options and i cant change anything about that fact #no matter how much i want to and that feeling is just. so so crushing and inescapable and just idk i dont know how to deal with it #like. idk iv done everything to try to but its only ever a temporary distraction #bc the problem isnt fucking like. mental or emotional its the facts of my reality and that cant be changed #so ofc im going to be constantly fucking miserable things just. are misearble #and idk. im sorry tht thts something other ppl have to deal with when it comes to like. knowing me bc genuinly its like.#they dont deserve that its sm pain for somoene to deal with and if that someone isnt. somone whos come to term with what #my fate invetiably is like have ik its too much nd im sorry for like. putting that on ppl i just. idk im sorry #idk what up with me suddnely. i mean i do but like. idk why i cant just hold it together like. this has always been the case idk why #im letting it upset me sm suddenly . ig bc i let myself have hope at some point. like an idiot.#idk im sorry. and its nearly 1am so i think im just going to go to sleep.im so sorry for just. all of this.#lucy if your reading tihs im so sorry for not sending and answering asks but i want to say that i love you so so so much. and im sorry #flappy rambles #vent #ask to tag

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