#im not advocating for killing him or anything but its a big part of their dynamic he did some fucked up things!

[samdyke]

every time you wave off the canon fact of dean repeatedly and drastically violating sam’s autonomy i kill another hostage

[primaviva]

i'm not sure if you're aware of the representation of the israeli occupation being the entirety of the wlf vs the seraphites section and that that's actually where neil's zionist views are most prevalent. i think it's disingenuous to call out the performativeness of ellie content while completing negating all the content of other popular characters content especially because the zionism propaganda is grossly apparent in them. i don't really want to get into the semantics.

but i do agree with your post, i thought about it the other day and it's genuinely jarring to see links for palestine introducing a fic of fucking a fictional character/s from a game that perpetuates the very violence the author is supposedly calling against, the irony is just ludicrous. but anyway, i'm sorry for ranting omg i just wanted to add that it applies for all tlou content/characters/actors not just ellie and not just the remastered even part i has zionist propo. (bella ramsey called for a ceasefire after liking several of neil's zionist posts, the actress who's playing dina in the show is also a zionist, pedro's not a zionist i think but he was silent for weeks before saying anything and is close friends w several zionists so i would'nt say calling him one is far fetched)

yes, i am aware of the symbolic parallels in the game because i followed the news about the zionism in the game since it first started coming out in january (funnily enough when tlou was coming out…) but i also don’t personally agree that it’s “disingenuous” to call out performative actions on the behalf of people who favor ellie in the game compared to other forms of propaganda in the game because im simply not talking about that. my focus in my rant was the ellie stans because of the abrupt switch up that occurred during this week compared to the past few months based on what’s been happening in palestine as well as the extent zionism influences the game—especially its creator. i was simply making a comment about what i was mostly seeing promoted in the tags, which was the hypocrisy of ellie writers and stans. i didn't think it necessary to include other parts of the larger story about how deeply ingrained zionism is in the history of the game in order to highlight how ellie writers fail to understand how to properly advocate. it just had nothing to do with my original point to be honest but you are right that other aspects of the game if not all include some inspiration from his zionistic narrative on palestine.

my whole point was drawing direct parallels to neil and his own experiences being put into the characters as i feel he sees himself as ellie, being enraged by the loss of joel and in a means to avenge his death as well as make herself feel better for the loss ultimately go out and kill the people responsible, which makes ellie have some zionistic elements to her character. i am not talking about the idf v. wlf and the battle for land because i interpret that as israel v. palestine whereas the cofmlct between ellie and abby (along with her friends) as neil v. palestinians. i got another anon like this that used similar wording and don’t know if it was you as well but i thought i made this quite clear in my original post and other ones. again, i never addressed the idf and the wlf because i never mentioned it originally as i am solely talking about characters and the writers such as ellie/ellie writers because that’s the big chunk of it.

and i am so so so SO glad you brought up the link trees being put under fics. it’s honestly like a double edged sword because on one end why the hell are there links to help give humanitarian aid to a ethnic cleanse/genocide happening in palestine under a fic of ellie strapping down reader in the bathroom of a party happening at jackson ???? it just looks absurd, out of place, and a bit disrespectful considering the juxtaposition of content cus how we going from reading smut to addressing a real issue killing thousands. but at the same time, i do acknowledge that there are people who don’t care enough as they should about these issues and rather ignore what’s going on by sticking to their regular routine instead of taking action so maybe by putting links at the end of multiple fics it will push people who didn’t care before to start engaging in free palestine content. i can see the vision but it depends on what type of fanfiction it is yk because if it were fluff i would say okay it’s appropriate but if it’s a smut… idk i see both the benefits and its problems. and yeah all the actors have been disappointing to say the least especially after bella made a palestine highlight after liking SEVERAL zionist posts just to save they own ass 😭😭😭😭😭 and i don’t think pedro is a zionist but it’s not like that matters because one of the worse things you can do is be silent which is arguably worse like it is better to say something than nothing at all. i compare it to taylor swift who refuses to mention the genocide and almost operates as if it doesn’t exist, similar to most celebs being favored in the media right now, because that makes them appear neutral and avoids the risk of losing a large amount of fans based on “political” views which is just gross.

but don’t apologize for ranting!!! i actually find what you said really interesting about how writing for ellie while opposing violence towards palestine is basically hypocritical because she is doing the same violence in the game. i didn’t ALWAYS know about the stuff with neil because tlou isn’t one of my most favorite games but i interpret you saying that based on the knowledge that we all know now which is that the game is based on a foundation of zionism. i feel like you could view the story of tlou2 (or at least by how it ended) as a story about grief and how certain actions come back to haunt you, courtesy of joel, as well as the road to redemption/making peace because after ellie goes on a rampage she does choose in the end to not kill abby which is like wow cus after everything you lost you didn’t do what you said you would due to her change in heart yk. but you can’t really separate the fact that it is based in zionism so hypothetically if the genocide happening in gaza simply wasn’t happening, would it then be okay to write/edit ellie? because the vibe you are giving is that it isn’t morally right to edit/write/etc for ellie as well as other characters who have the same elements of zionism engraved into their character (not that i am saying this view is bad, wrong, or invalid) and if that’s so i would love to hear you elaborate because that’s a whole other point of view on this whole thing.

anyways sorry for being a d1 yapper anon but you’re so so right and brought up some really good points i just had to type like i had 48 hours of free time‼️‼️

[ask-de-writer]

SEA DRAGON’S GIFT : Part 60 of 83 : World of Sea

Return to the Master Story Index

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SEA DRAGON’S GIFT

Part 60 of 83

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

140406 words

copyright 2020

written 2007

All rights reserved.

Reproduction in any form, physical, electronic or digital is prohibited without the express consent of the author.

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Copyright fair use rules for Tumblr users

Users   of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may   reblog the story provided that all author and copyright information   remains intact.  They may use the characters or original characters in   my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical   compositions.

All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fiction is actively encouraged.

///////////////////////

New to the story?  Read from the beginning.  PART 1 is here

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“Oi’ve nae talked wit’ ‘im about t’ose times.  Master Selked told m’ some, an’ the log provided t’e rest.  Oi ‘ad little t’ do for over a Wotan as Oi wa’ recuperating.  Oi had t’ practice readin’ yer writin’, so Oi read t’e log an’ ot’er books t’at ‘e’d collected.”

Kurin plied her chopsticks in silence for a bit, digesting this history behind things that had always been an unquestioned part of her life. Skye cocked her head and looked at Kurin’s platter questioningly. Kurin held out some roast on her chopsticks and Skye took it neatly.

Kurin looked across the table at Tanlin.  “Barad collects books?” she asked incredulously.

“Aye, ‘e reads bot’ Common an’ Arrakan an’ can struggle t’rough Barant.  ‘E ‘as books in all t’ree languages.  Nine o’ t’em are about t’e Boren Current Wars.”  She paused thoughtfully, “Actually, ten, i’ ye count Sula’s little manual.”

Kurin interrupted in surprise, “Sula wrote a book?  She never said anything about it.  Come to think, Darkistry mentioned it, too.”

Seriously, Tanlin replied, “Oi know wye Sula stayed quiet about ‘t.  Oi’ve read ‘t.  Darkistry’s probably t’e only one o’ us ‘oo actually understands it.  Oi’d recommend t’at ye nae read ‘t, t’ough Oi willnae stop ye.”  She paused and looked sympathetically at Kurin.  “T’will show ye a side o’ Sula t’at ye willnae care for.  Sula’s killed more people an’ sunk more ships t’an any ot’er person on Sea.  ‘Er book’s a manual for t’e destruction o’ ships an’ fleets.

“Wit’out t’e knowledge in t’at book, we’d probably ‘ave sunk t’e Fauline.  Wen Barad an’ Oi were in danger, t’e crew attacked wit’out ‘esitation.  None o’ t’em wa’ ‘appy about ‘t but t’ey did ‘t anyway.”

Kurin realized that what she was hearing was not a boast.  She already knew about her friend Sula’s war record — and how Sula felt about it. She digested the knowledge in silence.

The quiet stretched out into tension.  At the last, Tanlin asked, “Wen’re ye goin’ t’ actually start reading?  So far, ye’ve just leafed t’rough about eight Wohan’s wort’ o’ Log.”

Relieved to have something neutral to talk about, Kurin replied, “I have been reading, a bit slower than usual, actually.  I didn’t want to miss anything.  Barad has a fairly neat hand that’s usually easy to read.  

“How come he gets so little from each indenture sale?  Less than half, on average.”

Tanlin smiled in relief.  “Oi’m glad t’at ye asked t’e quest’n in t’at way.  A person ‘oo brokers indenture sales is entitled t’ nae more t’an ‘is legally defined costs plus ten percent o’ t’e balance o’ t’e sale.

“Indenture’s ‘ow t’e Arrakan fleet’s education system works.  I’ Oi wonted t’ learn, say, boat buildin’, Oi’d sell ye m’ indenture. Basically, ye’d pay m’ in advance for t’e term o’ t’e indenture.  Oi’d work for ye an’ ye’d teach m’ t’ make boats.  Tis a twa way contract.  T’e more I know goin’ in, t’e more m’ indenture’s wort’ t’ ye.  Oi might sell m’ indenture at auction or Oi might approach a particular person or ship.”

“T’e Grandalor produced indentures ‘oo could all read, write an’ figure plus ‘avin’ a good foundation in a useful skill.  T’e Arrakan fleet ships bid ‘igh prices for Grandalor indentures because t’ey were o’ t’e ‘ighest quality,” Tanlin finished proudly.

“So. . .the indenture is just a prepaid labor and education contract?” Kurin asked dubiously.

“Aye. Oi sold m’ ane indenture six times t’ earn m’ navigation an’ command skills.  Oi earned enow from t’ose sales t’ buy a share in t’e Princamorn, t’e ship t’at Oi wa’ born on.  Oi wa’ in a position t’ bid for a ca’taincy wen ane came open.  I remember evert’in’ o’ t’e Arrakan fleet but t’e people.

“M’ diary wa’ among documents t’at were salvaged from t’e wreck. Barad saved ‘t for m’ an’ Oi’ve read ‘t over an’ over but ‘t only told m’ some names.  T’ey’re only words in a book. M’ people’re still missing.”  Tanlin looked a little downcast as she added, “Mecat says t’at t’ey’re gone forever.”

Kurin finished eating and went back to reading the log.  Skye left the cabin the same way that she had come, pausing to close the port behind her.  Before the sun had reached its nadir, Kurin had nearly finished the just over twenty-five Gatherings of Barad’s Captaincy. Using a candle lantern to add to the ghostly light of the low sun, she finished the log and began the Purser’s accounts.

What Kurin learned there amazed her.  The Grandalor was a wealthy ship.  A very wealthy ship indeed.  Most of her wealth was held in accounts in the Arrakan fleet with large amounts on deposit in the Pallant and Daroff fleets.  Less than a third of her wealth was aboard or on deposit with the Naral fleet.

Kurin fell asleep to the quiet, uncanny whistling song of a faraway Orca that had never stopped singing, all day.

Kurin awoke suddenly in the middle of the third Night Watch.  The low arctic sun was coming fairly brightly through the port.  She had fallen asleep while reading and was surrounded by an untidy nest of log books, accounts, a few diaries and other records.

It took a moment to pin down what had awakened her.  The Orca song had become loud and clear.  It was punctuated by the shushing splash of the whale breaching and rolling and the occasional splashing report of the multi-ton creature leaping and falling back to the sea. Kurin’s heart leaped in fear for those in the sickbay.

Kurin could see the quiet form of Captain Tanlin sleeping slumped in a stuffed chair.  She felt a slight twinge of guilt at having fallen asleep in the Captain’s bunk as she slid silently out of bed.  She stumbled over the sleeping form of Arnat, curled up on the floor beside the bunk.  The commotion brought Tanlin to instant alertness. Arnat stretched.

“What’s the matter, Kurin?” he yawned.

“I hope, nothing.  Perhaps much.  The Orca is singing close by.”

“Mother!” Arnat called, heading immediately for the cabin door.

Tanlin was through it before he could get there.  Kurin followed him through the passageways of the Grandalor to the sickbay as swiftly as she could.

Doctor Corin looked up from where he was working on Lenai.  “I was about to send for you, Captain, and Arnat, too.  We are losing her.  I have killed her pain with Hag venom, so that she can talk.  She is weak but lucid.

“I thought that she should have those that she cared about near to her at the end.”

“Well t’ought o’, Doctor Corin,” Tanlin responded and turned to the doctor’s aide.  “Mikka, go get Barad, quickly.  ‘E should be ‘ere, too.”

The soft, concerned voice of Lenai came clearly to them all, “Did we do it?  Did Kurin come with us?”

Kurin stepped to the bedside, where Lenai could see her.  “I came, Lenai. I am here because of you.”

A hand reached out from under the covers and grasped Kurin’s arm weakly.  “Then it wasn’t a waste.  When the big red haired man stabbed me I feared that my life was lost to no use.  Save Arnat. See that he’s got a ship to call home, please?”

“I think that this ship will stay his home.  I’ve been looking at your case and have agreed to be your advocate before the fleet.”

Lenai smiled.  “I just wish that Arnat was here.  I want to hold him one more time before I go to Iren’s halls.”

“He is here.  Arnat, come over where you mother can see you.”

Arnat came, dry eyed but shaking, to his mother’s bedside.  She reached out and took hold of his arm with one hand and wrapped the other about him.  “Arnat, never fear the Orca’s song.  I can hear it calling me to Iren’s halls.  I won’t hurt there, and I will always love you.”

She relaxed, letting out a long breath.  Her arms fell from him and hung limp.

Barad, who had come in only moments before, knelt at her bedside and crossed her arms over her chest.  Tanlin joined him.

Barad said softly, “While there is a Grandalor, Arnat will have a ship that is his home.  I have no children of my body but I will have Arnat as my own.  He was one of the first to swear to us and the oath that we gave binds us.  We have all chosen one name and to be of one blood.”

Tanlin said, “T’ere’re nae orphans in a Wide Wing rookery because all take care o’ t’e young toget’er.  So we’ll care for Arnat. T’ere’ll be nae orphans on t’e Grandalor.  Oi’ll  log t’e order.”

Outside, the whale still sang but even to the untrained human ear, they could hear that it was a different song.  A second voice and a third joined in.  In moments whales were leaping and singing all about the ship.

In a corner of the sickbay, sitting on a bunk, Kurin was weeping. Another one dead.  Another part of her life shattered.  

The simple pride that she’d always had, that held her together when loneliness or fear of loss rose up, was in ruins in her heart. Longin born.  So simple.  So strong.  So ruined by the events of the last few days.  

Kurin wept for the young mother she’d tried to save.  Dead for the crime of wanting to talk to her.  Killed by the Longin.  Kurin’s ship. Her home.  A part of herself.  Through tears Kurin saw Arnat being rocked in Tanlin’s arms and wished desperately that she was him. Safe.  Held.  Loved.

TO BE CONTINUED

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[jcmorgenstern]

@superohclair oh god okay please know these are all just incoherent ramblings so like, idk, please feel free to add on or ignore me if im just wildly off base but this is a bad summary of what ive been thinking about and also my first titans/batman meta?? (also, hi!)

okay so for the disclaimer round: I am not an actual cultural studies major, nor do I have an extensive background in looking at the police/military industrial complex in media. also my comics knowledge is pretty shaky and im a big noob(I recently got into titans, and before that was pretty ignorant of the dceu besides batman) so I’ll kind of focus in on the show and stuff im more familiar with and apologize in advance?. basically im just a semi-educated idiot with Opinions, anyone with more knowledge/expertise please jump in! this is literally just the bullshit I spat out incoherently off the top of my head. did i mention im a comics noob? because im a comics noob.

so on a general level, I think we can all agree that batman as a cultural force is somewhat on the conservative side, if not simply due to its age and commercial positioning in American culture. there are a lot of challenges and nuances to that and it’s definitely expanding and changing as DC tries to position itself in the way that will...make the most money, but all you have to do is take a gander through the different iterations of the stories in the comics and it’ll smack you in the fucking face. like compare the first iteration of Jason keeping kids out of drugs to the titans version and you’ve got to at least chuckle. at the end of the day, this is a story about a (white male) billionaire who fights crime.

to be fair, I’d argue the romanticization of the police isn’t as aggressive as it could be—they are most often presented as corrupt and incompetent. However, considering the main cop characters depicted like Jim Gordon, the guys in Gotham (it’s been a while since I saw it, sorry) are often the romanticized “good few” (and often or almost always white cis/het men), that’s on pretty shaky ground. I don’t have the background in the comics strong enough to make specific arguments, so I’ll cede the point to someone who does and disagrees, but having recently watched a show that deals excellently with police incompetence, racism, and brutality (7 Seconds on Netflix), I feel at the very least something is deeply missing. like, analysis of race wrt police brutality in any aspect at all whatsoever.

I think it can be compellingly read that batman does heavily play into the military/police industrial complex due to its takes on violence—just play the Arkham games for more than an hour and you’ll know what I mean. to be a little less vague, even though batman as a franchise valorizes “psychiatric treatment” and “nonviolence,” the entire game seems pretty aware it characterizes treatment as a madhouse and nonviolence as breaking someone’s back or neck magically without killing them because you’re a “good guy.” while it is definitely subversive that the franchise even considers these elements at all, they don’t always do a fantastic job living up to them.

and then when you consider the fetishization of tools of violence both in canon and in the fandom, it gets worse. same with prisons—if anything it dehumanizes people in prisons even more than like, cop shows in general, which is pretty impressive(ly bad). like there’s just no nuance afforded and arkham is generally glamorized. the fact that one of the inmates is a crocodile assassin, I will admit, does not help. im not really sure how to mitigate that when, again, one of the inmates is a crocodile assassin, but I think my point still stands. fuck you, killer croc. (im just kidding unfuck him or whatever)

not to take this on a Jason Todd tangent but I was thinking about it this afternoon and again when thinking about that cop scene again and in many ways he does serve as a challenge to both batman’s ideology as well as the ideology of the franchise in general. his depiction is always a bit of a sticking point and it’s always fascinating to me to see how any given adaptation handles it. like Jason’s “”street”” origin has become inseparable from his characterization as an angry, brash, violent kid, and that in itself reflects a whole host of cultural stereotypes that I might argue occasionally/often dip into racialized tropes (like just imagine if he wasn’t white, ok). red hood (a play on robin hood and the outlaws, as I just realized...today) is in my exposure/experience mostly depicted as a villain, but he challenges batman’s no-kill philosophy both on an ethical and practical level. every time the joker escapes he kills a whole score more of innocent people, let alone the other rogues—is it truly ethical to let him live or avoid killing him for the cost of one life and let others die?

moreover, batman’s ““blind”” faith in the justice system (prisons, publicly-funded asylum prisons, courts) is conveniently elided—the story usually ends when he drops bad guy of the day off at arkham or ties up the bad guys and lets the police come etc etc. part of this is obviously bc car chases are more cinematic than dry court procedurals, but there is an alternate universe where bruce wayne never becomes batman and instead advocates for the arkham warden to be replaced with someone competent and the system overhauled, or in programs encouraging a more diverse and educated police force, or even into social welfare programs. (I am vaguely aware this is sometimes/often part of canon, but I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s the main focus. and again, I get it’s not nearly as cinematic).

overall, I think the most frustrating thing about the batman franchise or at least what I’ve seen or read of it is that while it does attempt to deal with corruption and injustice at all levels of the criminal justice system/government, it does so either by treating it as “just how life is” or having Dick or Jim Gordon or whoever the fuckjust wipe it out by “eliminating the dirty cops,” completely ignoring the non-fantasy ways these problems are dealt with in real life. it just isn’t realistic. instead of putting restrictions on police violence or educating cops on how to use their weapons or putting work into eradicating the culture of racism and prejudice or god basically anything it’s just all cinematized into the “good few” triumphing over the bad...somehow. its always unsatisfying and ultimately feels like lip service to me, personally.

this also dovetails with the very frustrating way mental health/”insanity” or “madness” is dealt with in canon, very typical of mainstream fiction. like for example:“madness is like gravity, all it takes is a little push.” yikes, if by ‘push’ you mean significant life stressors, genetic load, and environemntal influences,  then sure. challenge any dudebro joker fanboy to explain exactly what combination of DSM disorders the joker has to explain his “””insanity””” and see what happens. (these are, in fact, my plans for this Friday evening. im a hit at parties).

anyway I do really want to wax poetic about that cop scene in 1x06 so im gonna do just that! honestly when I first saw that I immediately sat up like I’d sat on a fucking tack, my cultural studies senses were tingling. the whole “fuck batman” ethos of the show had already been interesting to me, esp in s1, when bruce was basically standing in for the baby boomers and dick being our millennial/GenX hero. I do think dick was explicitly intended to appeal to a millennial audience and embody the millennial ethos. By that logic, the tension between dick and Jason immediately struck me as allegorical (Jason constantly commenting on dick being old, outdated, using slang dick doesn’t understand and generally being full of youthful obnoxious fistbumping energy).

Even if subconsciously on the part of the writers, jason’s over-aggressive energy can be read as a commentary on genZ—seen by mainstream millennial/GenX audiences as taking things too far. Like, the cops in 1x06 could have been Nick Zucco’s hired men or idk pretty much anyone, yet they explicitly chose cops and even had Jason explain why he deliberately went after them for being cops so dick (cop) could judge him for it. his rationale? he was beaten up by cops on the street, so he’s returning the favor. he doesn’t have the focused “righteous” rage of batman or dick/nightwing towards valid targets, he just has rage at the world and specifically the system—framed here as unacceptable or fanatical. as if like, dressing up like a bat and punching people at night is, um, totally normal and uncontroversial.

on a slightly wider scope, the show seems to internally struggle with its own progressive ethos—on the one hand, they hire the wildly talented chellah man, but on the other hand they will likely kill him off soon. or they cast anna diop, drawing wrath from the loudly racist underbelly of fandom, but sideline her. perhaps it’s a genuine struggle, perhaps they simply don’t want to alienate the bigots in the fanbase, but the issue of cops stuck out to me when I was watching as an social issue where they explicitly came down on one side over the other. jason’s characterization is, I admit and appreciate, still nuanced, but I’d argue that’s literally just bc he’s a white guy and a fan favorite. cast an actor of color as Jason and see how fast fandom and the writer’s room turns on him.

anyway i don’t really have the place to speak about what an explicitly nonwhite!cop!dick grayson would look like, but I do think it would be a fascinating and exciting place to start in exploring and correcting the kind of vague and nebulous complaints i raise above. (edit: i should have made more clear, i mean in the show, which hasn’t dealt with dick’s heritage afaik). also, there’s something to be said about the cop vs detective thing but I don’t really have the brain juice or expertise to say it? anyway if you got this far i hope it was at least interesting and again pls jump in id love to hear other people’s takes!!

tldr i took two (2) cultural studies classes and have Opinions

[islesblogger]

NHL Trade Deadline 2019: The Aftermath

  What Happened at the Deadline?

Today was Lou Lamoriello’s first trade deadline day with the NY Islanders. From all indications he pushed a few offers, but could not find the appropriate deal to add to the Burger Barn’s menu. Something that has happened in Islanders Country a lot over the past decade of  deadlines.

Mike also details the day on the The Isles Faithful Podcast Episode 25.

The last splash was in 2006 when Garth Snow sent a bag of non-magic beans to Edmonton for Ryan Smyth. What he ended up with was poke check into the playoffs, and first round ouster by a superior Buffalo team. He didn’t give up much, and upon Captain Canada’s teary-eyed departure he didn’t gain much in return. Much like that day an adequate bargain was obtained. The Islanders gave up nothing, and got nothing in return.

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Why Did it Happen?

Lou has a relatively young first place team that is buying into a new system. They’re not only in first, but they are on a post learning curve trajectory that should keep them there. Even if other teams have improved themselves at the deadline, the Islanders GAVE NOTHING AWAY.

Their biggest assets are still mysteries. But what we do know of them is that they all fit into the current scheme. Most would think that Anthony Beauvillier would have been on the block for some of the bigger fish. But I also assume that there would have had to be some kind of extension behind a deal involving Beau. Lou would not have given away a 20G RFA with center potential for a rental.

The Islanders have been short on right handed defensemen for as long as I’ve been a fan… and that’s a pretty long time. The other two items on most price lists would have been Dobson and/or Wilde. You can flip a coin (it had better be three sided) because one of Pulock, Dobson or Wilde will be on a Norris list within five years. It’s too early to tell which one of the “prospects” will be on that list, so they’re both too valuable to be traded for a rental.

As I pointed out earlier this year, there were some names that were most likely available. Lou just couldn’t find the right mix of picks, those prospects, a target and a seller’s consent.

Where Are They Now?

The Islanders lead the Washington Capitals by two points, and have two games in hand. At this point it’s basically a three-horse race for first with Columbus making a late run. The Blue Jackets helped themselves immensely by not giving up any important roster players, and acquiring Matt Duchene,  Adam McQuaid and Keith Kinkaid. This very well could become a dogfight or a walkover in the next two weeks. The Isles’ schedule is littered with division rivals and they have two more games with Washington (3/1, @ 4/6) and Columbus (3/11 and @ 3/26). Those games will be paramount.  The final game against Washington could determine home team advantage for the first round.

Where Do They Go From Here?

There are a few paths they can go by,  but in the long run… they need to think of building a team for their new arena.  The first step in that is seeing what you have on the current roster.  

Some Questions About The Future

Where does Anthony Beauvillier fit in the Islanders’ future? Is he a top six wing? Can he be a bottom six center? Can he eventually replace a guy like Val Filppula? Can he become the next Butch Goring? Can he win a face-off? Will they ever use him to kill penalties?

Will Josh Ho-Sang ever get his act together? I’m not one who is going to say I know ANYTHING about Josh’s situation beyond what out on the surface. The young man has amazing talent, and when he throws that on the ice with full focus and the full effort of his physical abilities he’s a force. When he loses that focus, he has had some issues that keep him off the ice all together. I personally want to see him with guys like Ladd, Lee, Nelson and Beau. He has to earn NHL playing time to do that. Maybe there is one last gasp this season to see if they can put some trust in him. It will make a big difference to his first RFA deal, what they do with Eberle, and whether he is an Islander after June.

Is Michael Dal Colle a full time NHL player. He had a very good NHL showing. I think he earned a full time NHL gig next year. He might even make a cameo later in the season and possibly the playoffs. Does he have a “beast mode”. He certainly has showed it in the AHL, and he has shown plenty of “moments of confidence” against NHL vets. It will be fun to watch him evolve as a player.

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Off The IR

How do they re-assemble the puzzle with their returning pieces? I’m gonna push for the BrockLeeBar line until it happens, or they give us BrockHoLee. Lee and Nelson have been very good with Jordan Eberle, but they are not creating scoring chances at a first line clip. The Isles have been pretty good at 5v5 scoring (but not defending) over the past 4 years. They need a number one line again.

This year, neither top line has really stood out as a scoring threat. The Nelson line, however, has scored more than they have given up, and that is a rarity in recent Isles history. They need to shuffle that a bit. Andew Ladd will help that. I’m sure Trotz will be reluctant to break up what works with Lee+Nelson+Eberle. I expect to see it eventually. It could be a big boost in the second season.

Hickey will eventually be paired with an recent partner. It could be with Mayfield as a solid enough third pair. When that happens you can create a single offensive pairing that can defend the neutral and defensive zones as well. Everybody that has watched Bridgeport games for the last four years knew it had to happen eventually. Pulock and Toews for 15 minutes a night at 5v5. Make it happen!

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July?

We still have a handful of very important unrestricted free agents. Lou has passed the sell by date. Now he has a few months to sign them. No panic. My opinion… in order of importance.

Anders Lee. He’s their captain. He’s our captain. Don’t let two consecutive July’s mark the Islanders losing a captain. This one would be worse than the last one. All evidence points to Lee being an Islander through and through… so it would be on Lou if they lost him.

Robin Lehner was the biggest question mark when the season started. He has become the biggest exclamation point. He should be part of their goaltending future.

Brock Nelson. Even I thought he was a trade deadline goner in October. But Brock+structure+team buy in has been the biggest surprise of the season. If anybody thought in October that Lee, Nelson and Eberle would be the #1 line of a first place team raise your hand. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Brock has quietly (maybe invisibly) contributed 20G a year for 5 years. Now he’s in the locomotive, certainly not a passenger. He’s going to want conductor pay. Given the market for top six centers that can shoot and create from the forecheck, he’s going to get it. This is going to be a tough negotiation, but I think they come out with a solid 5 year deal.

Val Filppula. The Isles will have almost as many signed options at third line center next year as they did last year. None. I advocated for some AHL training for Beau, but that wasn’t popular. Now here we are. Val has been great. Way better than expected. They do not have another option ready in Bridgeport. Otto Koivula will get games next year, probably. You can’t rely on him yet. I think Val will be an early July signing after Lou gets to troll the waters a bit. If he lands Matt Duchene they are done. They have the resources to do it.

Post Apocalypse Outlook

All in all I’d say the Islanders came out of this okay. They go into the playoffs with a few new weapons to deploy. They also get to battle test some players with very little or no playoff experience. If they come out of it better players win win. If they win win, then Yes Yes Yes!!!

NHL Trade Deadline 2019: The Aftermath was originally published on islesblogger.com

[apsbicepstraining]

Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker has a fable to tell and, as hard as it is to hear, it is best plainly to listen. His stream of consciousness veers from scoring on his England debut less than five years ago and the excite at potential being realised to the frightening mental health issues a matter that have almost terminated it all in the period since. A actor who, from the outside, emerged consecrated with endowment and opportunity speaks of frantic nervousnes and self-loathing.

He entertained killing himself in his darkest instants with his path one of self-destruction. Endeavors at escapism rate him hundreds of thousands of pounds, compensations frittered away in casinoes. Then came the drinking is targeted at numbing the sting. The 25 -year-old notes himself recalling the times spent in custody watching CCTV footage of his misdemeanours, his lawyer at his slope, and not recognising the infamous being on the screen.

Football is still coming to terms with mental illness and Caulker, an international and a last-place linger remember at Queens Park Rangers of financially misguided dates as a Premier League club, has been an easy target. He is not was striving to make excuses or acquire sympathy. These are details he knows unpleasant to narrate. Ive sat here for years hating myself and never understand why it is I couldnt only be like everybody else, he says. This time was almost the end. I seemed for large spans there was no light-footed at the end of the passageway. And yet “hes not” residence a gambling since December, or stroked alcohol since early March. The healing process that can rehabilitate him to the top level is well under way, with this interview, one he attempted out, potentially another step on the road to recovery.

A little under a year ago Caulker had spoken to the Guardian about a life-changing week spent in Sierra Leone, of humbling yet invigorating benevolence work with ActionAid that had rendered him with a sense of view. He returned to be galvanised under Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink at Loftus Road and, having invested the previous season on loan at Southampton and Liverpool unfulfilling stints which fuelled his latent dangers was ready to give his all. Early season recitals against Leeds and Cardiff indicated confidence had been rebuilt, reward for a summer of incessant fitness work.

The trigger that they are able to mail him spiralling to rock bottom would be injury. He snapped his groin at Barnsley and played in pain for weeks, dreading a incantation back in rehabilitation, before succumbing to an accompanied hip objection. I owed it to QPR to try, he says, but I was naive thinking I could still perform with the weeping. He has not played since last-place October, with the period celebrated by personal ferment and, simply of late, resurgence. Talking publicly, he advocated, may place younger participates towards seeking assist if they find themselves trampling the same itinerary, or knowing the same gumption of desertion, in a merciless industry. The real hope is the activity, as gallant as it is, may eventually prove more cathartic for Caulker himself.

He recognises his football ability as a gift but likewise a swear. It took him from Sunday League at 15 into the Premier League four years later, to the 2012 Olympics with Great Britain and into Roy Hodgsons England side for a friendly in Sweden later that year. His talent has persuaded some of the most respected directors he is worth engaging. Yet, while he could still get away with it on the pitch, he lived in denial. It was more than six years into his busines before he admitted he necessitated assist. You always think you can rein it back in again and the money plies a inaccurate sense of security. But at Southampton I realised, mentally, I was extend. I wasnt playing, my job was going nowhere and I had to reach out to someone. Medical doctors there tried to help me but others were just telling me got to go on the tone and express myself.

There was no understanding as to what was happening in my leader. I know theyd returned me in to do a job and they werent there to be babysitters. Just like at QPR, I needed to justify the money they were paying me but I was in a state and, at some place, there has to be a duty of care. Football does not deal well with mental illness. Maybe its changing but the support mechanisms are so often not there. Ive spoken to so many actors who have been told to go to the Sporting Chance clinic and theyve accepted because they know, if they take time off, theyll “losing ones” neighbourhood in the team. Someone gradations in and does well, so youre departed. That dissuades parties from getting improve. You feel obliged to get on with things.

I would urge cubs to speak to the PFA, to speak to their director, and not be scared about being stopped if they are experiencing like I did. Be brave enough to say you need improve before its too late. The feeling Id ever involved something to take the edge off. Football was my flee as a kid but that changed when I was chucked into the first team as a adolescent and abruptly football came with distres. My behavior of to address it, even in the early stages of my career, was gambling. Im an addict. Im addicted to triumphing, which people say is a positive in football but certainly not when it extends to gambling. I was addicted to trying to beat the system, because you reassure yourself there is a plan to it and you can beat it. You can never get your brain around why you arent.

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

He has played 123 ages in the Premier League and for eight teams with the same, horribly familiar hertz of insecurity and self-destruction seeking him to each. There is always a catalyst to the nosedive. The sleepless darkness, sat up till 5am replaying every bad decision Ive ever became in my life, perturbing what will be next Tottenham moved me to Bristol City on loan at 18 and they set me in a flat in the city centre surrounded by nightclubs, two casinos opposite, the various kinds of coin Id never seen in my life, and no counseling whatsoever. I was plucked formerly by a member of staff and told Id been recognized in the casino at 3am but their posture was: What you do in your free time is your business. Just dont gave it affect your acts out on the pitch.

At Swansea a year later it was an injury which created it all to the surface, and Spurs communicated me to Boasting Chance to sort myself out while I was recovering from my knee but I wasnt ready. I hadnt experienced enough agony to form me want to stop. I was gambling heavily when I went back to Tottenham, biding up to crazy hours of the darknes in casinos. I guess never feeling good enough played a big part in that. I never appeared I was on the same degree as any of the first-teamers but a big win in the casino and fund in my back pocket might change that. Being stopped sounds me even more because football was what I had relied on to make me feel better. So then the gambling was every single day. The pain of forgetting all my fund, combined with the pity and guilt, ingest away at me. So Id drink myself into oblivion so I wouldnt have to feel anything. I was numb but I was out of control.

The chairman, Daniel Levy, eventually attempted him out on a post-season trip-up to the Bahamas. He just said: The room you act is phenomenal. You either sort yourself out or lead but I can assure you, if you leave, youll be going down , not up. I was young, stupid. I took it as a challenge, a chance to prove him wrong. I was so immature. So I went to Cardiff and, for six months, everything was amazing. I was chieftain, the manager, Malky Mackay, knew I had some issues but offered to be there for me. I experienced wanted, so there was no gambling , no heavy binges but the second largest he was sacked, all the beasts came back. Thats all it took. Even before we played the next game, Id persuasion myself good-for-nothing would be the same. Thats the kind of cataclysmic envisioning Ive had to address.

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

I pointed up at QPR that summertime, 2014, trying to hold it together, but the prompt there came in the second largest recreation when we were pummelled 4-0 at Tottenham. That detecting coming off the tone at White Hart Lane, knowing marriage been humiliated and that Levy was sitting up in the stand thinking: I told you so There was no disclaiming it any more. Id made a big mistake leaving Spurs. I should have stayed and sorted myself out. I required the ground to swallow me up. It just pounded in my psyche: dejection, unhappines, bitternes. From that instant I was run, even if I never wanted to accept it, and there is nothing that intensified. Id go for days without sleeping. I dont known better I endured it. That time was an absolute nightmare.

It was a vicious circle. Wed lose at the weekend and the love would get at me, and Id be interrupting. I really wanted to help us get results but we werent good enough and Id walk away taking responsibility in my head for the whole crews flunks. I couldnt sleep, are concerned about what had happened. The only comfort I acquired was in booze. It would silence the tones of indecision and self-hate, temporarily regardless, but Id be too intoxicated to go into teach, and the blackouts Id have no remember of anything. It could be Monday and Id have no remembrance of what had happened since Saturday night. Id wake up, roll over and look at my phone, and thered be texts from people saying: Did you really do this last-place darknes? The director want to talk to you. It was petrifying because I didnt know what had happened.

There were occasions where reference is would wake up in a police cell. He pouts when asked how often he has been arrested, upset to admit the above figures, but the drunk and disorderly offences would flare up from London to Southampton to Merseyside. Sometimes Id be sat there with law enforcement agencies and my solicitor, watching the CCTV footage of what Id done, and I didnt recognise myself. I couldnt conceive the person or persons I was. Its so hard to accept I could be like that. In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the nighttime throwing up, people were blackmailing me, association proprietors and bouncers: Offer money or well sell this story on you. And I had no meaning what Id even done on those blackouts. I eventually told the sorority I couldnt function and needed to go back into rehab.

Things might have improved last-place season under Hasselbaink had the hip hurt, diagnosed as a week-long edition that became a complaint which induced five different diagnosis , not interpret him powerless is again. Id expensed the organization 8m, was one of the top earners and one of the few left from the Premier League, and beings had no explanation why I wasnt acting. Why I was absent. It ended up as my toughest year ever. I couldnt learn. My girlfriend lost her mother and was grieving while living with someone struggling with craving. My son, who lives with his mother in Somerset, is still in academy so Id go months without recognizing him. He had always been my safe place. There was no release.

QPR and my agent tried to push me towards Lokomotiv Moscow in January, saying it would be a fresh start. Portion of me contemplated the money they were offering could solve all my difficulties but why would being on my own out in Russia help? I had no feeling how to separate the cycle and is available on Moscow while still disabled only appeared a recipe for disaster. The director, Ian Holloway, was actually tell people to stand. Id been in his office close to rips, so he said: How anyone could feel sending you there would be a good theme is beyond me. You need to get yourself right. I realized him for that but, for the sorority, I can see why it was appealing to be shot of me but I was in no fit district to move and eventually pulled the plug on it.

Id had one last-place gamble and lost a blaze of a lot of money in December. A last blowout. It was at that point I lastly countenanced I could not win; that there was no quick fix , no more fantasizing I could save the world through one good nighttime on the roulette wheel. It was all a fantasize that took me away from having to feel anything. I entertained suicide a lot in that stage. A dark era. Everything Id gone through in football, where had it taken me? All the remorse, the shame, the shame, the public humiliation in the working paper and for what? I could cling to my son, to what Id done in Africa, or the dimensions Id bought their own families, but Id blown everything else. I calculate Ive lost 70% what Ive payed. When “were losing” that amount of money, the guilt thats so many lives you could have changed. There was no flee , no way out, other than to leave.

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

But, in the moments of clarity, I knew I couldnt do that because of my son. I havent gambled since but the drink crowded the void for a while. I was frightened and didnt feel like there was anywhere else to transform. Rehab didnt production before so why would it work now? I stupidly took convenience in the alcohol but it objective up deepening the depression. It was relentless from every slant. Until 12 March. Thats the day I lost my “drivers licence”. Thats when I realised my life had now become unmanageable.

Caulker was ordered to pay 12,755 in penalties and costs at Slough magistrates court at the end of March and was banned from driving for 18 months, having refused to blow into a breathalyser after police were called to a parking lot near Windsor Castle. I knew I was over the limit, I knew Id get the ban but I didnt want to tell my parents Id fucked up again. What if I had driven the car out of the car park and killed someone? No, that was it. Ive been up before a adjudicate four or five times. No more second probabilities. Its a incarcerate sentence next. I was still injured and unable to play, so I signed off sick. I went to see a specialist who diagnosed me with depression and nervousnes. He prescribed me medication and we put together a design where I would take some time away to sort myself out.

He and his lover travelled to Africa and India, is contributing to orphanages, homeless shelters and academies where the bear was exposed and obvious. He has attended countless Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous gathers, and has reached out to support works in video games such as Clarke Carlisle for advice. He has not touched alcohol since his arrest in March. He takes medication, a feeling stabiliser is striving to match my high-priceds and lows, and address that substance inequality which draws my practices so cataclysmic, twice a day. Golf is a new, most constructive vice.

People say Ive done all this because Ive had too much money shed at me but I know teenagers without a penny who have the same addictive characters as me. Whether I played football or not I would still be suffering from this illness, precisely without the public pressure and mortification. Addiction does not care. I am a man of extremes. Parties dont find me doing the additional training, feeing right, going to the reserve every night to get fit, were represented at the anonymous convenes, doing the donation make. That is still me. That is who I am. But I get fucked by these other demons and I desperately necessary something in the middle. I feel like Im getting there now, that things have finally changed.

Im doing interesting thing merely to prompt me to stay on track. I could be relying on taxis to get me everywhere while Im banned but Im exploiting public transport. Im living in one of the owneds I own in Feltham, back where I grew up, to stir me recollect how hard I had to work to get out of here aged 15. Its a remember that, if I continue to unravel, I wont improve my statu again. Money considers the fissures. It can be evil. It prolongs the agony.

QPRs musicians reported for pre-season last-place Friday but Caulker, who has one year to run on his contract and has been improving all summertime with the former conference player Drewe Broughton at Goals centre in Hayes, had been signed off until July. Life at the golf-club had degenerated into an incessant flow of internal disciplinary hearings and, despite Holloway having become clear his desire to retain the centre-halfs business, his future will not is currently under Loftus Road. What happens next is all a bit perplexed, all a bit uncertain, he says. The manager has texted me several times offering his support and “says hes” misses me at the club but my brand-new representative has been informed by the owners Im not welcome back.

For too long Ive disliked everything about myself and I needed to learn to affection myself again. I miss video games like crazy. I dont detect as if Ive experienced playing football since Cardiff. I dont want to type my identify into Google and just see a roster of humbling narrations. I want people to remember I am a footballer who was good enough to represent his country at 20 and still has 10 years left in the game. At 40% of my ability, I was playing at the highest level. Now I feel good mentally and I want the chance to show people, including my son, what I am absolutely capable of. Wherever the opportunity starts, Im exactly appreciative still to be alive.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

The post Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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[ask-de-writer]

SEA DRAGON’S GIFT : World of Sea : Part 60

SEA DRAGON’S GIFT

by

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

140406 words

copyright 2018

written 2007

All rights reserved.

Reproduction in any form, physical, electronic or digital is prohibited without the express consent of the author.

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Users of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights.  They may reblog the story provided that all author and copyright information remains intact.  They may use the characters or original characters in my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical compositions. All sorts of fan art, cosplay, music or fiction is actively encouraged.

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New to the story?  Read from the beginning.  PART 1 is here

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“Oi’ve nae talked wit’ ‘im about t’ose times.  Master Selked told m’ some, an’ the log provided t’e rest.  Oi ‘ad little t’ do for over a Wotan as Oi wa’ recuperating.  Oi had t’ practice readin’ yer writin’, so Oi read t’e log an’ ot’er books t’at ‘e’d collected.”

Kurin plied her chopsticks in silence for a bit, digesting this history behind things that had always been an unquestioned part of her life. Skye cocked her head and looked at Kurin’s platter questioningly. Kurin held out some roast on her chopsticks and Skye took it neatly.

Kurin looked across the table at Tanlin.  “Barad collects books?” she asked incredulously.

“Aye, ‘e reads bot’ Common an’ Arrakan an’ can struggle t’rough Barant.  ‘E ‘as books in all t’ree languages.  Nine o’ t’em are about t’e Boren Current Wars.”  She paused thoughtfully, “Actually, ten, i’ ye count Sula’s little manual.”

Kurin interrupted in surprise, “Sula wrote a book?  She never said anything about it.  Come to think, Darkistry mentioned it, too.”

Seriously, Tanlin replied, “Oi know wye Sula stayed quiet about ‘t.  Oi’ve read ‘t.  Darkistry’s probably t’e only one o’ us ‘oo actually understands it.  Oi’d recommend t’at ye nae read ‘t, t’ough Oi willnae stop ye.”  She paused and looked sympathetically at Kurin.  “T’will show ye a side o’ Sula t’at ye willnae care for.  Sula’s killed more people an’ sunk more ships t’an any ot’er person on Sea.  ‘Er book’s a manual for t’e destruction o’ ships an’ fleets.

“Wit’out t’e knowledge in t’at book, we’d probably ‘ave sunk t’e Fauline.  Wen Barad an’ Oi were in danger, t’e crew attacked wit’out ‘esitation.  None o’ t’em wa’ ‘appy about ‘t but t’ey did ‘t anyway.”

Kurin realized that what she was hearing was not a boast.  She already knew about her friend Sula’s war record — and how Sula felt about it. She digested the knowledge in silence.

The quiet stretched out into tension.  At the last, Tanlin asked, “Wen’re ye goin’ t’ actually start reading?  So far, ye’ve just leafed t’rough about eight Wohan’s wort’ o’ Log.”

Relieved to have something neutral to talk about, Kurin replied, “I have been reading, a bit slower than usual, actually.  I didn’t want to miss anything.  Barad has a fairly neat hand that’s usually easy to read.  

“How come he gets so little from each indenture sale?  Less than half, on average.”

Tanlin smiled in relief.  “Oi’m glad t’at ye asked t’e quest’n in t’at way.  A person ‘oo brokers indenture sales is entitled t’ nae more t’an ‘is legally defined costs plus ten percent o’ t’e balance o’ t’e sale.

“Indenture’s ‘ow t’e Arrakan fleet’s education system works.  I’ Oi wonted t’ learn, say, boat buildin’, Oi’d sell ye m’ indenture. Basically, ye’d pay m’ in advance for t’e term o’ t’e indenture.  Oi’d work for ye an’ ye’d teach m’ t’ make boats.  Tis a twa way contract.  T’e more I know goin’ in, t’e more m’ indenture’s wort’ t’ ye.  Oi might sell m’ indenture at auction or Oi might approach a particular person or ship.”

“T’e Grandalor produced indentures ‘oo could all read, write an’ figure plus ‘avin’ a good foundation in a useful skill.  T’e Arrakan fleet ships bid ‘igh prices for Grandalor indentures because t’ey were o’ t’e ‘ighest quality,” Tanlin finished proudly.

“So. . .the indenture is just a prepaid labor and education contract?” Kurin asked dubiously.

“Aye. Oi sold m’ ane indenture six times t’ earn m’ navigation an’ command skills.  Oi earned enow from t’ose sales t’ buy a share in t’e Princamorn, t��e ship t’at Oi wa’ born on.  Oi wa’ in a position t’ bid for a ca’taincy wen ane came open.  I remember evert’in’ o’ t’e Arrakan fleet but t’e people.

“M’ diary wa’ among documents t’at were salvaged from t’e wreck. Barad saved ‘t for m’ an’ Oi’ve read ‘t over an’ over but ‘t only told m’ some names.  T’ey’re only words in a book. M’ people’re still missing.”  Tanlin looked a little downcast as she added, “Mecat says t’at t’ey’re gone forever.”

Kurin finished eating and went back to reading the log.  Skye left the cabin the same way that she had come, pausing to close the port behind her.  Before the sun had reached its nadir, Kurin had nearly finished the just over twenty-five Gatherings of Barad’s Captaincy. Using a candle lantern to add to the ghostly light of the low sun, she finished the log and began the Purser’s accounts.

What Kurin learned there amazed her.  The Grandalor was a wealthy ship.  A very wealthy ship indeed.  Most of her wealth was held in accounts in the Arrakan fleet with large amounts on deposit in the Pallant and Daroff fleets.  Less than a third of her wealth was aboard or on deposit with the Naral fleet.

Kurin fell asleep to the quiet, uncanny whistling song of a faraway Orca that had never stopped singing, all day.

Kurin awoke suddenly in the middle of the third Night Watch.  The low arctic sun was coming fairly brightly through the port.  She had fallen asleep while reading and was surrounded by an untidy nest of log books, accounts, a few diaries and other records.

It took a moment to pin down what had awakened her.  The Orca song had become loud and clear.  It was punctuated by the shushing splash of the whale breaching and rolling and the occasional splashing report of the multi-ton creature leaping and falling back to the sea. Kurin’s heart leaped in fear for those in the sickbay.

Kurin could see the quiet form of Captain Tanlin sleeping slumped in a stuffed chair.  She felt a slight twinge of guilt at having fallen asleep in the Captain’s bunk as she slid silently out of bed.  She stumbled over the sleeping form of Arnat, curled up on the floor beside the bunk.  The commotion brought Tanlin to instant alertness. Arnat stretched.

“What’s the matter, Kurin?” he yawned.

“I hope, nothing.  Perhaps much.  The Orca is singing close by.”

“Mother!” Arnat called, heading immediately for the cabin door.

Tanlin was through it before he could get there.  Kurin followed him through the passageways of the Grandalor to the sickbay as swiftly as she could.

Doctor Corin looked up from where he was working on Lenai.  “I was about to send for you, Captain, and Arnat, too.  We are losing her.  I have killed her pain with Hag venom, so that she can talk.  She is weak but lucid.

“I thought that she should have those that she cared about near to her at the end.”

“Well t’ought o’, Doctor Corin,” Tanlin responded and turned to the doctor’s aide.  “Mikka, go get Barad, quickly.  ‘E should be ‘ere, too.”

The soft, concerned voice of Lenai came clearly to them all, “Did we do it?  Did Kurin come with us?”

Kurin stepped to the bedside, where Lenai could see her.  “I came, Lenai. I am here because of you.”

A hand reached out from under the covers and grasped Kurin’s arm weakly.  “Then it wasn’t a waste.  When the big red haired man stabbed me I feared that my life was lost to no use.  Save Arnat. See that he’s got a ship to call home, please?”

“I think that this ship will stay his home.  I’ve been looking at your case and have agreed to be your advocate before the fleet.”

Lenai smiled.  “I just wish that Arnat was here.  I want to hold him one more time before I go to Iren’s halls.”

“He is here.  Arnat, come over where you mother can see you.”

Arnat came, dry eyed but shaking, to his mother’s bedside.  She reached out and took hold of his arm with one hand and wrapped the other about him.  “Arnat, never fear the Orca’s song.  I can hear it calling me to Iren’s halls.  I won’t hurt there, and I will always love you.”

She relaxed, letting out a long breath.  Her arms fell from him and hung limp.

Barad, who had come in only moments before, knelt at her bedside and crossed her arms over her chest.  Tanlin joined him.

Barad said softly, “While there is a Grandalor, Arnat will have a ship that is his home.  I have no children of my body but I will have Arnat as my own.  He was one of the first to swear to us and the oath that we gave binds us.  We have all chosen one name and to be of one blood.”

Tanlin said, “T’ere’re nae orphans in a Wide Wing rookery because all take care o’ t’e young toget’er.  So we’ll care for Arnat. T’ere’ll be nae orphans on t’e Grandalor.  Oi’ll  log t’e order.”

Outside, the whale still sang but even to the untrained human ear, they could hear that it was a different song.  A second voice and a third joined in.  In moments whales were leaping and singing all about the ship.

In a corner of the sickbay, sitting on a bunk, Kurin was weeping. Another one dead.  Another part of her life shattered.  

The simple pride that she’d always had, that held her together when loneliness or fear of loss rose up, was in ruins in her heart. Longin born.  So simple.  So strong.  So ruined by the events of the last few days.  

Kurin wept for the young mother she’d tried to save.  Dead for the crime of wanting to talk to her.  Killed by the Longin.  Kurin’s ship. Her home.  A part of herself.  Through tears Kurin saw Arnat being rocked in Tanlin’s arms and wished desperately that she was him. Safe.  Held.  Loved.

TO BE CONTINUED

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Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker has a fable to tell and, as hard as it is to hear, it is best plainly to listen. His stream of consciousness veers from scoring on his England debut less than five years ago and the excite at potential being realised to the frightening mental health issues a matter that have almost terminated it all in the period since. A actor who, from the outside, emerged consecrated with endowment and opportunity speaks of frantic nervousnes and self-loathing.

He entertained killing himself in his darkest instants with his path one of self-destruction. Endeavors at escapism rate him hundreds of thousands of pounds, compensations frittered away in casinoes. Then came the drinking is targeted at numbing the sting. The 25 -year-old notes himself recalling the times spent in custody watching CCTV footage of his misdemeanours, his lawyer at his slope, and not recognising the infamous being on the screen.

Football is still coming to terms with mental illness and Caulker, an international and a last-place linger remember at Queens Park Rangers of financially misguided dates as a Premier League club, has been an easy target. He is not was striving to make excuses or acquire sympathy. These are details he knows unpleasant to narrate. Ive sat here for years hating myself and never understand why it is I couldnt only be like everybody else, he says. This time was almost the end. I seemed for large spans there was no light-footed at the end of the passageway. And yet “hes not” residence a gambling since December, or stroked alcohol since early March. The healing process that can rehabilitate him to the top level is well under way, with this interview, one he attempted out, potentially another step on the road to recovery.

A little under a year ago Caulker had spoken to the Guardian about a life-changing week spent in Sierra Leone, of humbling yet invigorating benevolence work with ActionAid that had rendered him with a sense of view. He returned to be galvanised under Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink at Loftus Road and, having invested the previous season on loan at Southampton and Liverpool unfulfilling stints which fuelled his latent dangers was ready to give his all. Early season recitals against Leeds and Cardiff indicated confidence had been rebuilt, reward for a summer of incessant fitness work.

The trigger that they are able to mail him spiralling to rock bottom would be injury. He snapped his groin at Barnsley and played in pain for weeks, dreading a incantation back in rehabilitation, before succumbing to an accompanied hip objection. I owed it to QPR to try, he says, but I was naive thinking I could still perform with the weeping. He has not played since last-place October, with the period celebrated by personal ferment and, simply of late, resurgence. Talking publicly, he advocated, may place younger participates towards seeking assist if they find themselves trampling the same itinerary, or knowing the same gumption of desertion, in a merciless industry. The real hope is the activity, as gallant as it is, may eventually prove more cathartic for Caulker himself.

He recognises his football ability as a gift but likewise a swear. It took him from Sunday League at 15 into the Premier League four years later, to the 2012 Olympics with Great Britain and into Roy Hodgsons England side for a friendly in Sweden later that year. His talent has persuaded some of the most respected directors he is worth engaging. Yet, while he could still get away with it on the pitch, he lived in denial. It was more than six years into his busines before he admitted he necessitated assist. You always think you can rein it back in again and the money plies a inaccurate sense of security. But at Southampton I realised, mentally, I was extend. I wasnt playing, my job was going nowhere and I had to reach out to someone. Medical doctors there tried to help me but others were just telling me got to go on the tone and express myself.

There was no understanding as to what was happening in my leader. I know theyd returned me in to do a job and they werent there to be babysitters. Just like at QPR, I needed to justify the money they were paying me but I was in a state and, at some place, there has to be a duty of care. Football does not deal well with mental illness. Maybe its changing but the support mechanisms are so often not there. Ive spoken to so many actors who have been told to go to the Sporting Chance clinic and theyve accepted because they know, if they take time off, theyll “losing ones” neighbourhood in the team. Someone gradations in and does well, so youre departed. That dissuades parties from getting improve. You feel obliged to get on with things.

I would urge cubs to speak to the PFA, to speak to their director, and not be scared about being stopped if they are experiencing like I did. Be brave enough to say you need improve before its too late. The feeling Id ever involved something to take the edge off. Football was my flee as a kid but that changed when I was chucked into the first team as a adolescent and abruptly football came with distres. My behavior of to address it, even in the early stages of my career, was gambling. Im an addict. Im addicted to triumphing, which people say is a positive in football but certainly not when it extends to gambling. I was addicted to trying to beat the system, because you reassure yourself there is a plan to it and you can beat it. You can never get your brain around why you arent.

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

He has played 123 ages in the Premier League and for eight teams with the same, horribly familiar hertz of insecurity and self-destruction seeking him to each. There is always a catalyst to the nosedive. The sleepless darkness, sat up till 5am replaying every bad decision Ive ever became in my life, perturbing what will be next Tottenham moved me to Bristol City on loan at 18 and they set me in a flat in the city centre surrounded by nightclubs, two casinos opposite, the various kinds of coin Id never seen in my life, and no counseling whatsoever. I was plucked formerly by a member of staff and told Id been recognized in the casino at 3am but their posture was: What you do in your free time is your business. Just dont gave it affect your acts out on the pitch.

At Swansea a year later it was an injury which created it all to the surface, and Spurs communicated me to Boasting Chance to sort myself out while I was recovering from my knee but I wasnt ready. I hadnt experienced enough agony to form me want to stop. I was gambling heavily when I went back to Tottenham, biding up to crazy hours of the darknes in casinos. I guess never feeling good enough played a big part in that. I never appeared I was on the same degree as any of the first-teamers but a big win in the casino and fund in my back pocket might change that. Being stopped sounds me even more because football was what I had relied on to make me feel better. So then the gambling was every single day. The pain of forgetting all my fund, combined with the pity and guilt, ingest away at me. So Id drink myself into oblivion so I wouldnt have to feel anything. I was numb but I was out of control.

The chairman, Daniel Levy, eventually attempted him out on a post-season trip-up to the Bahamas. He just said: The room you act is phenomenal. You either sort yourself out or lead but I can assure you, if you leave, youll be going down , not up. I was young, stupid. I took it as a challenge, a chance to prove him wrong. I was so immature. So I went to Cardiff and, for six months, everything was amazing. I was chieftain, the manager, Malky Mackay, knew I had some issues but offered to be there for me. I experienced wanted, so there was no gambling , no heavy binges but the second largest he was sacked, all the beasts came back. Thats all it took. Even before we played the next game, Id persuasion myself good-for-nothing would be the same. Thats the kind of cataclysmic envisioning Ive had to address.

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

I pointed up at QPR that summertime, 2014, trying to hold it together, but the prompt there came in the second largest recreation when we were pummelled 4-0 at Tottenham. That detecting coming off the tone at White Hart Lane, knowing marriage been humiliated and that Levy was sitting up in the stand thinking: I told you so There was no disclaiming it any more. Id made a big mistake leaving Spurs. I should have stayed and sorted myself out. I required the ground to swallow me up. It just pounded in my psyche: dejection, unhappines, bitternes. From that instant I was run, even if I never wanted to accept it, and there is nothing that intensified. Id go for days without sleeping. I dont known better I endured it. That time was an absolute nightmare.

It was a vicious circle. Wed lose at the weekend and the love would get at me, and Id be interrupting. I really wanted to help us get results but we werent good enough and Id walk away taking responsibility in my head for the whole crews flunks. I couldnt sleep, are concerned about what had happened. The only comfort I acquired was in booze. It would silence the tones of indecision and self-hate, temporarily regardless, but Id be too intoxicated to go into teach, and the blackouts Id have no remember of anything. It could be Monday and Id have no remembrance of what had happened since Saturday night. Id wake up, roll over and look at my phone, and thered be texts from people saying: Did you really do this last-place darknes? The director want to talk to you. It was petrifying because I didnt know what had happened.

There were occasions where reference is would wake up in a police cell. He pouts when asked how often he has been arrested, upset to admit the above figures, but the drunk and disorderly offences would flare up from London to Southampton to Merseyside. Sometimes Id be sat there with law enforcement agencies and my solicitor, watching the CCTV footage of what Id done, and I didnt recognise myself. I couldnt conceive the person or persons I was. Its so hard to accept I could be like that. In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the nighttime throwing up, people were blackmailing me, association proprietors and bouncers: Offer money or well sell this story on you. And I had no meaning what Id even done on those blackouts. I eventually told the sorority I couldnt function and needed to go back into rehab.

Things might have improved last-place season under Hasselbaink had the hip hurt, diagnosed as a week-long edition that became a complaint which induced five different diagnosis , not interpret him powerless is again. Id expensed the organization 8m, was one of the top earners and one of the few left from the Premier League, and beings had no explanation why I wasnt acting. Why I was absent. It ended up as my toughest year ever. I couldnt learn. My girlfriend lost her mother and was grieving while living with someone struggling with craving. My son, who lives with his mother in Somerset, is still in academy so Id go months without recognizing him. He had always been my safe place. There was no release.

QPR and my agent tried to push me towards Lokomotiv Moscow in January, saying it would be a fresh start. Portion of me contemplated the money they were offering could solve all my difficulties but why would being on my own out in Russia help? I had no feeling how to separate the cycle and is available on Moscow while still disabled only appeared a recipe for disaster. The director, Ian Holloway, was actually tell people to stand. Id been in his office close to rips, so he said: How anyone could feel sending you there would be a good theme is beyond me. You need to get yourself right. I realized him for that but, for the sorority, I can see why it was appealing to be shot of me but I was in no fit district to move and eventually pulled the plug on it.

Id had one last-place gamble and lost a blaze of a lot of money in December. A last blowout. It was at that point I lastly countenanced I could not win; that there was no quick fix , no more fantasizing I could save the world through one good nighttime on the roulette wheel. It was all a fantasize that took me away from having to feel anything. I entertained suicide a lot in that stage. A dark era. Everything Id gone through in football, where had it taken me? All the remorse, the shame, the shame, the public humiliation in the working paper and for what? I could cling to my son, to what Id done in Africa, or the dimensions Id bought their own families, but Id blown everything else. I calculate Ive lost 70% what Ive payed. When “were losing” that amount of money, the guilt thats so many lives you could have changed. There was no flee , no way out, other than to leave.

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

But, in the moments of clarity, I knew I couldnt do that because of my son. I havent gambled since but the drink crowded the void for a while. I was frightened and didnt feel like there was anywhere else to transform. Rehab didnt production before so why would it work now? I stupidly took convenience in the alcohol but it objective up deepening the depression. It was relentless from every slant. Until 12 March. Thats the day I lost my “drivers licence”. Thats when I realised my life had now become unmanageable.

Caulker was ordered to pay 12,755 in penalties and costs at Slough magistrates court at the end of March and was banned from driving for 18 months, having refused to blow into a breathalyser after police were called to a parking lot near Windsor Castle. I knew I was over the limit, I knew Id get the ban but I didnt want to tell my parents Id fucked up again. What if I had driven the car out of the car park and killed someone? No, that was it. Ive been up before a adjudicate four or five times. No more second probabilities. Its a incarcerate sentence next. I was still injured and unable to play, so I signed off sick. I went to see a specialist who diagnosed me with depression and nervousnes. He prescribed me medication and we put together a design where I would take some time away to sort myself out.

He and his lover travelled to Africa and India, is contributing to orphanages, homeless shelters and academies where the bear was exposed and obvious. He has attended countless Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous gathers, and has reached out to support works in video games such as Clarke Carlisle for advice. He has not touched alcohol since his arrest in March. He takes medication, a feeling stabiliser is striving to match my high-priceds and lows, and address that substance inequality which draws my practices so cataclysmic, twice a day. Golf is a new, most constructive vice.

People say Ive done all this because Ive had too much money shed at me but I know teenagers without a penny who have the same addictive characters as me. Whether I played football or not I would still be suffering from this illness, precisely without the public pressure and mortification. Addiction does not care. I am a man of extremes. Parties dont find me doing the additional training, feeing right, going to the reserve every night to get fit, were represented at the anonymous convenes, doing the donation make. That is still me. That is who I am. But I get fucked by these other demons and I desperately necessary something in the middle. I feel like Im getting there now, that things have finally changed.

Im doing interesting thing merely to prompt me to stay on track. I could be relying on taxis to get me everywhere while Im banned but Im exploiting public transport. Im living in one of the owneds I own in Feltham, back where I grew up, to stir me recollect how hard I had to work to get out of here aged 15. Its a remember that, if I continue to unravel, I wont improve my statu again. Money considers the fissures. It can be evil. It prolongs the agony.

QPRs musicians reported for pre-season last-place Friday but Caulker, who has one year to run on his contract and has been improving all summertime with the former conference player Drewe Broughton at Goals centre in Hayes, had been signed off until July. Life at the golf-club had degenerated into an incessant flow of internal disciplinary hearings and, despite Holloway having become clear his desire to retain the centre-halfs business, his future will not is currently under Loftus Road. What happens next is all a bit perplexed, all a bit uncertain, he says. The manager has texted me several times offering his support and “says hes” misses me at the club but my brand-new representative has been informed by the owners Im not welcome back.

For too long Ive disliked everything about myself and I needed to learn to affection myself again. I miss video games like crazy. I dont detect as if Ive experienced playing football since Cardiff. I dont want to type my identify into Google and just see a roster of humbling narrations. I want people to remember I am a footballer who was good enough to represent his country at 20 and still has 10 years left in the game. At 40% of my ability, I was playing at the highest level. Now I feel good mentally and I want the chance to show people, including my son, what I am absolutely capable of. Wherever the opportunity starts, Im exactly appreciative still to be alive.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

The post Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’

The QPR defender talks powerfully about his strives with mental illness, his addictions to gamble and drinking and why “he il be” thankful still to be alive

Steven Caulker has a fable to tell and, as hard as it is to hear, it is best plainly to listen. His stream of consciousness veers from scoring on his England debut less than five years ago and the excite at potential being realised to the frightening mental health issues a matter that have almost terminated it all in the period since. A actor who, from the outside, emerged consecrated with endowment and opportunity speaks of frantic nervousnes and self-loathing.

He entertained killing himself in his darkest instants with his path one of self-destruction. Endeavors at escapism rate him hundreds of thousands of pounds, compensations frittered away in casinoes. Then came the drinking is targeted at numbing the sting. The 25 -year-old notes himself recalling the times spent in custody watching CCTV footage of his misdemeanours, his lawyer at his slope, and not recognising the infamous being on the screen.

Football is still coming to terms with mental illness and Caulker, an international and a last-place linger remember at Queens Park Rangers of financially misguided dates as a Premier League club, has been an easy target. He is not was striving to make excuses or acquire sympathy. These are details he knows unpleasant to narrate. Ive sat here for years hating myself and never understand why it is I couldnt only be like everybody else, he says. This time was almost the end. I seemed for large spans there was no light-footed at the end of the passageway. And yet “hes not” residence a gambling since December, or stroked alcohol since early March. The healing process that can rehabilitate him to the top level is well under way, with this interview, one he attempted out, potentially another step on the road to recovery.

A little under a year ago Caulker had spoken to the Guardian about a life-changing week spent in Sierra Leone, of humbling yet invigorating benevolence work with ActionAid that had rendered him with a sense of view. He returned to be galvanised under Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink at Loftus Road and, having invested the previous season on loan at Southampton and Liverpool unfulfilling stints which fuelled his latent dangers was ready to give his all. Early season recitals against Leeds and Cardiff indicated confidence had been rebuilt, reward for a summer of incessant fitness work.

The trigger that they are able to mail him spiralling to rock bottom would be injury. He snapped his groin at Barnsley and played in pain for weeks, dreading a incantation back in rehabilitation, before succumbing to an accompanied hip objection. I owed it to QPR to try, he says, but I was naive thinking I could still perform with the weeping. He has not played since last-place October, with the period celebrated by personal ferment and, simply of late, resurgence. Talking publicly, he advocated, may place younger participates towards seeking assist if they find themselves trampling the same itinerary, or knowing the same gumption of desertion, in a merciless industry. The real hope is the activity, as gallant as it is, may eventually prove more cathartic for Caulker himself.

He recognises his football ability as a gift but likewise a swear. It took him from Sunday League at 15 into the Premier League four years later, to the 2012 Olympics with Great Britain and into Roy Hodgsons England side for a friendly in Sweden later that year. His talent has persuaded some of the most respected directors he is worth engaging. Yet, while he could still get away with it on the pitch, he lived in denial. It was more than six years into his busines before he admitted he necessitated assist. You always think you can rein it back in again and the money plies a inaccurate sense of security. But at Southampton I realised, mentally, I was extend. I wasnt playing, my job was going nowhere and I had to reach out to someone. Medical doctors there tried to help me but others were just telling me got to go on the tone and express myself.

There was no understanding as to what was happening in my leader. I know theyd returned me in to do a job and they werent there to be babysitters. Just like at QPR, I needed to justify the money they were paying me but I was in a state and, at some place, there has to be a duty of care. Football does not deal well with mental illness. Maybe its changing but the support mechanisms are so often not there. Ive spoken to so many actors who have been told to go to the Sporting Chance clinic and theyve accepted because they know, if they take time off, theyll “losing ones” neighbourhood in the team. Someone gradations in and does well, so youre departed. That dissuades parties from getting improve. You feel obliged to get on with things.

I would urge cubs to speak to the PFA, to speak to their director, and not be scared about being stopped if they are experiencing like I did. Be brave enough to say you need improve before its too late. The feeling Id ever involved something to take the edge off. Football was my flee as a kid but that changed when I was chucked into the first team as a adolescent and abruptly football came with distres. My behavior of to address it, even in the early stages of my career, was gambling. Im an addict. Im addicted to triumphing, which people say is a positive in football but certainly not when it extends to gambling. I was addicted to trying to beat the system, because you reassure yourself there is a plan to it and you can beat it. You can never get your brain around why you arent.

Steven Caulker, here celebrating after scoring on his England debut in 2012, says his football ability is a gift but too a affliction. Photograph: Michael Regan/ Getty Images

He has played 123 ages in the Premier League and for eight teams with the same, horribly familiar hertz of insecurity and self-destruction seeking him to each. There is always a catalyst to the nosedive. The sleepless darkness, sat up till 5am replaying every bad decision Ive ever became in my life, perturbing what will be next Tottenham moved me to Bristol City on loan at 18 and they set me in a flat in the city centre surrounded by nightclubs, two casinos opposite, the various kinds of coin Id never seen in my life, and no counseling whatsoever. I was plucked formerly by a member of staff and told Id been recognized in the casino at 3am but their posture was: What you do in your free time is your business. Just dont gave it affect your acts out on the pitch.

At Swansea a year later it was an injury which created it all to the surface, and Spurs communicated me to Boasting Chance to sort myself out while I was recovering from my knee but I wasnt ready. I hadnt experienced enough agony to form me want to stop. I was gambling heavily when I went back to Tottenham, biding up to crazy hours of the darknes in casinos. I guess never feeling good enough played a big part in that. I never appeared I was on the same degree as any of the first-teamers but a big win in the casino and fund in my back pocket might change that. Being stopped sounds me even more because football was what I had relied on to make me feel better. So then the gambling was every single day. The pain of forgetting all my fund, combined with the pity and guilt, ingest away at me. So Id drink myself into oblivion so I wouldnt have to feel anything. I was numb but I was out of control.

The chairman, Daniel Levy, eventually attempted him out on a post-season trip-up to the Bahamas. He just said: The room you act is phenomenal. You either sort yourself out or lead but I can assure you, if you leave, youll be going down , not up. I was young, stupid. I took it as a challenge, a chance to prove him wrong. I was so immature. So I went to Cardiff and, for six months, everything was amazing. I was chieftain, the manager, Malky Mackay, knew I had some issues but offered to be there for me. I experienced wanted, so there was no gambling , no heavy binges but the second largest he was sacked, all the beasts came back. Thats all it took. Even before we played the next game, Id persuasion myself good-for-nothing would be the same. Thats the kind of cataclysmic envisioning Ive had to address.

Steven Caulker, here playing for Tottenham against Arsenal in 2010, says he made a big mistake leaving Spurs. Photo: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

I pointed up at QPR that summertime, 2014, trying to hold it together, but the prompt there came in the second largest recreation when we were pummelled 4-0 at Tottenham. That detecting coming off the tone at White Hart Lane, knowing marriage been humiliated and that Levy was sitting up in the stand thinking: I told you so There was no disclaiming it any more. Id made a big mistake leaving Spurs. I should have stayed and sorted myself out. I required the ground to swallow me up. It just pounded in my psyche: dejection, unhappines, bitternes. From that instant I was run, even if I never wanted to accept it, and there is nothing that intensified. Id go for days without sleeping. I dont known better I endured it. That time was an absolute nightmare.

It was a vicious circle. Wed lose at the weekend and the love would get at me, and Id be interrupting. I really wanted to help us get results but we werent good enough and Id walk away taking responsibility in my head for the whole crews flunks. I couldnt sleep, are concerned about what had happened. The only comfort I acquired was in booze. It would silence the tones of indecision and self-hate, temporarily regardless, but Id be too intoxicated to go into teach, and the blackouts Id have no remember of anything. It could be Monday and Id have no remembrance of what had happened since Saturday night. Id wake up, roll over and look at my phone, and thered be texts from people saying: Did you really do this last-place darknes? The director want to talk to you. It was petrifying because I didnt know what had happened.

There were occasions where reference is would wake up in a police cell. He pouts when asked how often he has been arrested, upset to admit the above figures, but the drunk and disorderly offences would flare up from London to Southampton to Merseyside. Sometimes Id be sat there with law enforcement agencies and my solicitor, watching the CCTV footage of what Id done, and I didnt recognise myself. I couldnt conceive the person or persons I was. Its so hard to accept I could be like that. In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the nighttime throwing up, people were blackmailing me, association proprietors and bouncers: Offer money or well sell this story on you. And I had no meaning what Id even done on those blackouts. I eventually told the sorority I couldnt function and needed to go back into rehab.

Things might have improved last-place season under Hasselbaink had the hip hurt, diagnosed as a week-long edition that became a complaint which induced five different diagnosis , not interpret him powerless is again. Id expensed the organization 8m, was one of the top earners and one of the few left from the Premier League, and beings had no explanation why I wasnt acting. Why I was absent. It ended up as my toughest year ever. I couldnt learn. My girlfriend lost her mother and was grieving while living with someone struggling with craving. My son, who lives with his mother in Somerset, is still in academy so Id go months without recognizing him. He had always been my safe place. There was no release.

QPR and my agent tried to push me towards Lokomotiv Moscow in January, saying it would be a fresh start. Portion of me contemplated the money they were offering could solve all my difficulties but why would being on my own out in Russia help? I had no feeling how to separate the cycle and is available on Moscow while still disabled only appeared a recipe for disaster. The director, Ian Holloway, was actually tell people to stand. Id been in his office close to rips, so he said: How anyone could feel sending you there would be a good theme is beyond me. You need to get yourself right. I realized him for that but, for the sorority, I can see why it was appealing to be shot of me but I was in no fit district to move and eventually pulled the plug on it.

Id had one last-place gamble and lost a blaze of a lot of money in December. A last blowout. It was at that point I lastly countenanced I could not win; that there was no quick fix , no more fantasizing I could save the world through one good nighttime on the roulette wheel. It was all a fantasize that took me away from having to feel anything. I entertained suicide a lot in that stage. A dark era. Everything Id gone through in football, where had it taken me? All the remorse, the shame, the shame, the public humiliation in the working paper and for what? I could cling to my son, to what Id done in Africa, or the dimensions Id bought their own families, but Id blown everything else. I calculate Ive lost 70% what Ive payed. When “were losing” that amount of money, the guilt thats so many lives you could have changed. There was no flee , no way out, other than to leave.

Steven Caulker says: In Liverpool I was waking up in the middle of the darknes throwing up, parties were extorting me, club owneds and bouncers. Picture: Sarah Lee for the Guardian

But, in the moments of clarity, I knew I couldnt do that because of my son. I havent gambled since but the drink crowded the void for a while. I was frightened and didnt feel like there was anywhere else to transform. Rehab didnt production before so why would it work now? I stupidly took convenience in the alcohol but it objective up deepening the depression. It was relentless from every slant. Until 12 March. Thats the day I lost my “drivers licence”. Thats when I realised my life had now become unmanageable.

Caulker was ordered to pay 12,755 in penalties and costs at Slough magistrates court at the end of March and was banned from driving for 18 months, having refused to blow into a breathalyser after police were called to a parking lot near Windsor Castle. I knew I was over the limit, I knew Id get the ban but I didnt want to tell my parents Id fucked up again. What if I had driven the car out of the car park and killed someone? No, that was it. Ive been up before a adjudicate four or five times. No more second probabilities. Its a incarcerate sentence next. I was still injured and unable to play, so I signed off sick. I went to see a specialist who diagnosed me with depression and nervousnes. He prescribed me medication and we put together a design where I would take some time away to sort myself out.

He and his lover travelled to Africa and India, is contributing to orphanages, homeless shelters and academies where the bear was exposed and obvious. He has attended countless Gamblers Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous gathers, and has reached out to support works in video games such as Clarke Carlisle for advice. He has not touched alcohol since his arrest in March. He takes medication, a feeling stabiliser is striving to match my high-priceds and lows, and address that substance inequality which draws my practices so cataclysmic, twice a day. Golf is a new, most constructive vice.

People say Ive done all this because Ive had too much money shed at me but I know teenagers without a penny who have the same addictive characters as me. Whether I played football or not I would still be suffering from this illness, precisely without the public pressure and mortification. Addiction does not care. I am a man of extremes. Parties dont find me doing the additional training, feeing right, going to the reserve every night to get fit, were represented at the anonymous convenes, doing the donation make. That is still me. That is who I am. But I get fucked by these other demons and I desperately necessary something in the middle. I feel like Im getting there now, that things have finally changed.

Im doing interesting thing merely to prompt me to stay on track. I could be relying on taxis to get me everywhere while Im banned but Im exploiting public transport. Im living in one of the owneds I own in Feltham, back where I grew up, to stir me recollect how hard I had to work to get out of here aged 15. Its a remember that, if I continue to unravel, I wont improve my statu again. Money considers the fissures. It can be evil. It prolongs the agony.

QPRs musicians reported for pre-season last-place Friday but Caulker, who has one year to run on his contract and has been improving all summertime with the former conference player Drewe Broughton at Goals centre in Hayes, had been signed off until July. Life at the golf-club had degenerated into an incessant flow of internal disciplinary hearings and, despite Holloway having become clear his desire to retain the centre-halfs business, his future will not is currently under Loftus Road. What happens next is all a bit perplexed, all a bit uncertain, he says. The manager has texted me several times offering his support and “says hes” misses me at the club but my brand-new representative has been informed by the owners Im not welcome back.

For too long Ive disliked everything about myself and I needed to learn to affection myself again. I miss video games like crazy. I dont detect as if Ive experienced playing football since Cardiff. I dont want to type my identify into Google and just see a roster of humbling narrations. I want people to remember I am a footballer who was good enough to represent his country at 20 and still has 10 years left in the game. At 40% of my ability, I was playing at the highest level. Now I feel good mentally and I want the chance to show people, including my son, what I am absolutely capable of. Wherever the opportunity starts, Im exactly appreciative still to be alive.

In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.

In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.

In Australia, the crisis support assistance Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

The post Steven Caulker:’ I’ve sat here for years hating myself … This year was almost the end’ appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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