#im not english nor a man but my soul is im afraid

[elvislefilm]

My personality blueprint (whiny pale english fella)

[kirishwima]

can you please do a headcannon with the rfa that’s dating an insecure mc? i’m sorry my english isn’t very good

Your english is fine lovely! I’m also not a native speaker, so im sorry if i make mistakes sometimes ^^”

YOOSUNG:

* Honestly…he’s just as insecure as MC. He tries to hide it, tries to act tough and will argue with Zen when he teases him, but his facade couldn’t be farther from the truth-he’s scared, constantly worrying over his looks, the way he speaks, his intelligence, everything is a struggle and it often feels like he’ll never be good enough, neither to himself nor to others.

* Yet MC accepts him as he is-they love him unconditionally, have been there for him even when he kept using them as a substitute for Rika-they helped him see his wrongs and make them right, helped him become a better man. So to know that MC doesn’t see themselves as the amazing, wonderful person they are, it hurts him to his very core.

* He’ll remind MC constantly of how much he loves them, will praise them over every little thing-because to him it’s not compliments, it’s facts. MC is amazing, and that’s that. 

* Sometimes he’ll catch MC making self-depracating jokes; “I don’t even know why you’re dating me” they’d laugh, and Yoosung-oh boy, Yoosung’s furious. 

* “Do you hear yourself? Why date you? Because you’re wonderful! You’re an amazing, beautiful person, you’ve helped me through the hardest times of my life, you’ve been there for me no matter what-I want to be there for you too! You have such a kind soul, you love so much and so strongly and I-I love you just as much. So please-” he rubbed furiously at his eyes, bidding the tears gathering to go away, “Please don’t undermine the love I have for you. Don’t undermine yourself.”

* He’d spend every day of his life reminding MC of their worth, and that’s that.

ZEN:

* He’s a confident person. No, that might actually be an understatement-he’s what some would call a narcissist, albeit a high-functioning one-while he objectively knows his appearance is envy-worthy, he also knows his faults, and isn’t afraid to admit them. He knows he’s not good with technology. He’s honest to a fault, and quick to anger, but he doesn’t deem those as faults-they’re just part of who he is, for better or for worse.

* MC envies this confidence, this intimate way in which Zen both knows and accepts himself as he is, only working to better himself as a challenge from him to him, not for the gaze of anyone else. How could MC ever be like that? Would a time come where they too could confidently stand by his side, not nit-picking every single flaw in their looks, their personality, their entire existence?

* Zen’s fans aren’t all that helping in the situation either-after going public with their relationship, MC can’t help but constantly look through news articles, looking at what fans and reporters have to say about them, taking every single negative comment and locking it up in their heart, letting it infest with them until it rots-refusing to shine a light on the positive comments, the one that talk about how happy Zen looks with MC, how sweet their own smile is or how gentle their eyes are.

* Zen isn’t a fool, and he’s not blind-of course he knows MC isn’t the most confident person, and that they constantly judge their worth based on the perception of others. He tries to help them as much as he can without making it too obvious, will hold them tight when reporters stop them during a date to conduct an interview, will kiss their neck and compliment them until his mouth runs dry.

* MC appreciates it, they really do-but they’re always scared, so scared Zen will eventually realise he’s better off without them. They know, rationally, that Zen cares deeply for them, that he loves them as they are-as impossible as it seems, but this unwarranted worry never goes away, eating its way through their gut and into their lungs, making them lose their breath at the thought.

* “Do you realise how beautiful you are?” Zen asks one night, the apartment dark and quiet minus for the hustle of the city outside. He’s trailing his fingers alonside MC’s side, stopping at every hollow of ribs, pushing his fingertips on bumps and scars. “I’m not just talking about the way you look, as much as I love that too. I’m talking about this” he says as he pokes a finger to their chest, relishing in the silent laugh MC lets out as his fingers tickle them “and everything that happens in there. I love your laugh, your humor is impeccable, I love your kindness, your patience, how much you love to help others-you’re beautiful. Please don’t forget that.”

* And well, it’s hard to forget-even if it takes a long time to believe in Zen’s words, MC will always keep them to heart, remember them every time they try to bring themself down-they’re beautiful. No matter what.

JAEHEE:

* You’d think she’s very confident at first glance, and well, that’s partly true-she’s confident, in the sense that she doesn’t really care. She’s okay with the way she looks, though she’ll get bouts of worries from time to time, probing and poking at her face and body in front of the mirror, but soon it’d pass, and she’s back to normal, content with the way she is.

* it’s hard to wrap her head around MC’s worries and insecurities most of the time. She can’t understand just why MC feels so bad with themselves, not when to her they were a saving grace-taking her from the hectic worriesome state she was seen and bringing her most well-hidden dreams to the surface, making them true.

* She’ll watch MC interact with customers, how they’ll hum whilst making coffee and she’ll smile to herself, soft and sweet and falling in love all over again. How someone like them could not be confident is something she could never understand.

* She tries to help motivate MC, will lean her head on MC’s shoulder and wrap her arms around her waist from the back as MC brews coffee, whispering bashful ‘i love you’s and praises to their skin. When talking with customers she’ll frequently slip in a word of affection towards MC, praising them for their hard work and dedication-even if MC isn’t there to hear it, she just wants the world to know how amazing they are!!

* Sometimes MC gets really down, insultin every little thing about themselves. Jaehee was never that good with words and expressing her emotions upfront-so instead she did what she knows best. She wrote a report. Yes, a report, along with a whole power point presentation, explaining each and every point of why she loves MC, with facts, proof and evidence. Whenever MC talks badly about themself, Jaehee simply pulls up the powerpoint, puts her glasses back on and asks MC to take a seat on the couch, pulling up her laptop and begining to talk about each point until MC is too shy to let her continue.

* No one disses the person Baehee loves, not even themselves.

JUMIN:

* Jumin is confident. That’s it, it’s a fact. He’s grown up learning how to poise himself, has been given constant praise to the point where he hated it, but he knows his pros and cons, and will never let anyone else’s opinion alter his own, especially not when it comes from people who aren’t even close to him.

* So honestly...unless MC straight up talks to Jumin about their insecurities, he’ll never get it. Of course he’ll notice when MC looks away when he compliments them, or how they seem a nervous wreck when out with him at social gatherings, but he figured it’s just them being bashful, not that it’s because they don’t believe his words or feel insecure around him.

* He only realises when they’re lounging together on the couch, a wine in hand and Elizabeth the 3d on MC’s lap. MC watched the way in which Jumin sat-his back straight, his profile picture-perfect, confidence in his every movement. They ran their hands through Elizabeth’s fur, looking down at her in contemplation.

* “How do you do it?” They asked and Jumin turned to face them with a soft frown of confusion. “You just...whatever you do, you do it so confidently. Like, you know what you want and how to get it and that’s it, and you-you ended up with me, who’s too nervous to even look people in the eye when talking. How do we-are you okay with this? With me?” 

* Their words were jambled, worry pooling in their stomach as Jumin’s eyes widened, his mouth ajar. “You-is this how you feel?” he asked. He tried to school his expression into something more neutral, put his wine glass back down to turn and hold MCs hands in his.

* “I love you. There’s no logic in love, and even if there was, there’s nothing about you I could not love. Your kindness, your smile, you’re smart yet modest, you’re just...to me you’re impeccable. I hate to think that you never realised all these yourself, MC, you’re wonderful. I need you to believe that you are.”

* He vowed to himself to never let MC forget it from then on. Every morning he’ll wake them with a kiss, listing at least one thing about MC he’s grateful for before starting their day. He’d do this day after day, until MC started to believe it themself.

SEVEN/SAEYOUNG/LUCIEL:

* Lmao he’s literally an insecure k i n g. Before meeting MC, before falling in love with them, he’d be unable to list a single thing he likes about himself. He’s too much of this, too little of that, every time he looked to the mirror it’d be a war zone, his face reminding him too much of things he’d rather just forget.

* Yet MC helped him so much. Little by little, they helped him learn to accept himself as he is, to allow his heart to open and gain a little bit of confidence. He’s learnt to at the very least feel neutral when looking in the mirror, starting to accept hsi existence as just that-another human being in the world.

* Yet he knows, he knows that as much confidence as MC is trying to help him build, the less they have themselves. He’s no idiot, he’s been there, of course he knows the tell-tale signs of it-the self depracaitng jokes, the way they look in the mirror when they walk past, how they roll their eyes at his compliments.

* “You know me, I’m your resident klutz” MC started once, after a glass slipped from their hands and broke at their feet. They started cleaning it up, telling Seven to stay away since he wasn’t wearing any shoes or slippers. “Just a big ol’ idiot here to fuck things up and make life all that much harder for everyone-” they continued, laughing yet their hands were trembling.

* “Of course I can’t even hold a freaking glass correctly, why would I anyway I’m such a-”

* “Stop.”

* Seven didn’t care for the glass shards at this point. He walked to kneel across MC, wrapping his hands around theirs. “Do you hear yourself? What you’re saying is stupid, and some deep hidden part of you knows it. You’re brilliant. Stop looking at me like that, you know it’s true. You are” He smiled small and soft, drawing circles on their hand with his thumb. “No regular person could’ve gone through what you did and come out of it even stronger. You’re amazing, you’re kind no matter what you-I love you. I want you to see yourself like I see you, even if it’s cliche as hell.”

* He leaned over the broken glass, kissing MC soft and gentle. “So stop with these jokes. Start appreciating yourself, please. For me.”

* MC didn’t know if they could. But they’d try. For Saeyoung, they’d try.

-Send me mystic messenger headcanons/scenarios for characters’ reactions!-

[cycyno]

Aaaaaaand once again I got tagged do to a little random shuffling songlist! This time by my beautiful fiance @trshlrd​ ♥ I’m going to list 10 shuffled songs from my phone and will write down my favorite parts of each song.

HERE WE GO

1. Oomph! - “Wer schön sein will muss leiden”

Okay wow. So first of, the english title would be “Who wants to be beautiful must suffer” It’s from one of the few german bands I listen to and the band it’self, just like their lyrics are kind of rammstein-ish. I really like their songs though, especially since they go really deep and also have a freaky kind of ring to everything (all of them kinda satire). This was one of the first songs I knew of them. The text is pretty wild to be honest, so I’m writing down basically all of it

German Text:

Wer schön sein will muss leiden, mein Kind Die Welt wird dich beneiden, mein Kind Weißt du nicht: Wer seine Seele an die Hölle verkauft Wird immer jung sein, schön und schlank mit flachem Bauch Und ich weiß das willst du auch

Warum hast du so schlanke Beine Warum hast du so volles Haar Warum hast du so dicke Lippen Warum bist du so sonderbar

(Großmutter, Großmutter warum bist du noch so jung?)

[...] 

Hör mir zu, Wer schön sein will muss so viel Schmerz ertragen Drum schau mir bitte nicht ins Herz, mein Kind Wer schön sein will muss viele Wunden tragen Drum schau mir bitte nicht ins Herz...

[...]

Weißt du nicht, wer seinen Körper in der Hölle bestellt Bleibt immer jung, hat viel Erfolg und schwimmt im Geld Und das ist es doch was zählt

.

English Translation:

Who wants to be beautiful has to suffer, my child The world will envy you, my child Don’t you know: who sells their soul to hell Will stay young forever, beautiful and slim with a flat belly And I know you want that too

Why do you have such slim legs? Why do you have so much hair? Why do you have such thick lips? Why are you so strange?

(Grandmother, Grandmother why are you still so young?)

[...]

Listen to me, Who wants to be beautiful has to endure so much pain, So please don’t look into my heart, my child Who wants to be beautiful has to wear so many wounds So please don’t look into my heart...

[...]

Don’t you know, who orders their body in hell Stays young forever, has much succes and swims in money And that’s what counts (after all)

2. JUNE - “Pride of Tomorrow”

So I only got to know this song because I practically inhaled the D.Gray-Man anime. And I love it. The anime is just amazing and the music is as well! Always with such deep lyrics and I love it.

Japanese Text

Ushinatta mono uzumeyou to shite hazushite shimatta puraido Torimodosu yo kono ryoute de boku ni ha mieru ashita no hikari ga

Hitori asobi ni akiterumitai Kokoro no koe ha todoiteiru kai?

Yoru no michi ni mimi oshiatete Kikoeru mono sore ga kotae

Rikutsu janai kono omoi ga tashikana hitotsu no puraido Mukashi ni mita eiga mitai boku ni ha mieru ashita no jibun ga

.

English Translation

The abandoned pride those fallen have tried to bury, With these two hands of mine, I'll bring back the light of tomorrow I see.

It seems I'm tired of playing alone. Can you hear what my heart is saying?

In the dark, press your ears against the face of the road. You will hear the answer.

There's no reason. It's simply just pure pride I'm feeling, make no mistake. The future me I see is just like in the movies of old.

3. Oomph! - “Revolution”

And, again, a song I listened a lot to. Revolution was a song I got to know later on though and I still like it very much. It’s also not as much satire and offensive as the one before.

German Text

Erst wenn du laut bist, wird man dir zuhören. Und wenn sie taub sind, dann lass sie spüren.

Du stellst dich quer, machst Alarm, kämpfst für deine Vision. Was ist Schein, was ist nur Illusion. Du machst dich frei, denn du weißt sonst ist alles verloren, Nicht mit mir, das hast du dir geschworn,

Du hast die Macht. Du hast die Macht.

Du bist die Revolution, gegen den Strom, geh auf die Straße, hol dir den Lohn.

Du bist die Revolution, gegen den Strom, sing deine Lieder, Scheiß auf den Thron.

Du bist die Revolution.

Du machst nicht mit, denn die Welt scheint dir taub, stumm und blind. Lehnst den auf, stellste dich gegen den Wind. Du fragst warum, schreist heraus, was dich lange schon quält. Du bist frei, das ist alles was zählt.

.

English Translation

Only when you’re loud, they will listen to you. And if they’re deaf, then let them feel it.

You revolt, create a riot, fight for your vision What's fake, what's only illusion You free yourself because you know otherwise everything's lost Not with me, that's what you have sworn

You’ve got the power You’ve got the power

You are the revolution, against the river, Go on the streets, get your earnings

You are the revolution, against the storm, Sing your songs, shit on the throne

You are the revolution

You don't take part, and the world looks dumb, deaf, and blind to you Rebel, place yourself against the wind You ask "why," scream out loud what's been tortuing you for so long You are free, that's all that counts

4. Imogen Heap - “Speeding Cars”

I just love this song so much. It’s got a big message and every time I hear it I can’t help but sing along to it. Also I really like the sound of it so yeah.

English Text

Here's the day you hoped would never come Don't feed me violence Just run with me through rows of speeding cars The paper cuts, the cheating lovers The coffee's never strong enough I know you think it's more than just bad luck There, there baby It's just text book stuff It's in the ABC of growing up Now, now darling Oh don't lose your head 'Cause none of us were angels And you know I love you yeah

5. The Script - “Hall of Fame”

I think basically everyone knows this song. I love to listen to this song in various fandoms to be honest and just find the one person of all the characters that the song could fit to (I do that with basically every song ever so yea) It’s just super nice and I think it’s really catchy and is also kinda uplifting.

English Text

You can throw your hands up You can beat the clock You can move a mountain You can break rocks You can be a master Don't wait for luck Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame And the world's gonna know your name 'Cause you burn with the brightest flame And the world's gonna know your name And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

6. The Fray - “1961″

I got to know this song in the Hetalia fandom. And I love it ever since. It has a nice ring to it and the songtext itself is just beautiful. And again, a good song to fangirl about with your favorite platonic relationships!

English Text

Two brothers in 1961 On a road 90 miles too long Someone don't want us together but We just keep on walking cause we're one, we're one I got a voice and you got a reason For the glory we sing our broken song Take a side and I'll take the other one Two brothers under one nation

7. Manowar - “Sons of Odin”

One of my favorite songs of Manowar. In general, the song just sounds super powerful in a way and just pushes one a little when taking a walk with their two pugs in the forest (i love it okay)

English Text

Here to the blaze I wander Through this black night I ponder The edge of our mighty swords Did clash Fallen by our axes Helmets smashed

Glory and fame Blood is our name Souls full of thunder Hearts of steel Killers of men Of warriors friend Sworn to avenge our fallen brothers To the end...

One day too I may fall I will enter Odin's Hall I will die sword in hand My name and my deeds will Scorch the land

8. Brothers Bright - “Blood on my Name”

A song I discovered in the Dishonored fandom and up to this point I haven’t found any fandom where this song would fit better. I love all of this. The text, the kind of luring and threatening sound of it.. mh! (This is just a style of music that I really came to like)

English Text

When the fires, when the fires are consumin' you And your sacred stars won't be guiding you I've got blood, I've got blood Blood on my name

Not a spell gonna be broken With a potion or a priest When you're cursed you're always hopin' That a prophet would be grieved

Oh, Lazarus How did your debts get paid? Oh, Lazarus Were you so afraid?

Can't you see I'm sorry I will make it worth your while Made a dead man's money You can see it in my smile

9. The Phantoms - “Into the Darkness”

First off: I’m a massive Dragon Age fan and I loved this song ever since hearing it. It gives off the whole Dragon Age vibe (i mean there’s a reason why it’s an offocial song to the game) and this is just something I really grew to love.

English Text

War is coming War is crying out The world is shaking The sky is falling down - the sky is falling down

Into the Darkness - we are one Into the Darkness - we all must run Into the Darkness - we'll burn a light Into the Darkness - we all must fight, we all must fight

10. Billy Boyd - “The Last Goodbye”

OMG I LOVE THIS SONG BEYOND MEASURES I CAN’T HDFJSLKFSDHJKFSDH it’s going to be so hard for me to even pick my favorite part of all of this. I cried so much while listening to this song (and watching the last Hobbit movie in general and AHHHH I CAN’T)

ALL OF THE FUCKING TEXT I’M SORRY

I saw the light fade from the sky On the wind I heard a sigh As the snowflakes cover my fallen brothers I will say this last goodbye

Night is now falling So ends this day The road is now calling And I must away

Over hill and under tree Through lands where never light has shone By silver streams that run down to the sea

Under cloud, beneath the stars Over snow one winter's morn I turn at last to paths that lead home And though where the road then takes me I cannot tell We came all this way But now comes the day To bid you farewell

Many places I have been Many sorrows I have seen But I don't regret Nor will I forget All who took the road with me

[...]

To these memories I will hold With your blessing I will go To turn at last to paths that lead home And though where the road then takes me I cannot tell We came all this way But now comes the day To bid you farewell

I bid you all a very fond farewell

AHH THANKS SO MUCH AGAIN FOR TAGGING ME BABSO ♥ And since I don’t know who to tag ( @we-want-a-shrubbery I know she tagged you too but whatevs)

I TAG EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO DO IT (pls tag me)

[artofll]

Imposter

Recently i started reading Abba’s Child by Brennan Manning. The book presents the idea of how we tend to have an artificial self (aka an Imposter) that we present to the world vs our authentic, imperfect selves. At the end of chapter 2, the author writes a letter to his imposter after 20 days of a retreat with himself in the woods. He first starts out by actually thanking the imposter because when it first appeared was during the Great Depression. This mask helped keep the author strong and not constantly being afraid when there was barely any food to survive.. But the letter goes on to tell the imposter to leave because it’s now a soul crusher to the author...

After hearing that section of the book I paused and self reflected to find out what my imposter is and why it exists. My imposter   presented it self off and on during my early child hood but stayed around up to this date starting from the time i had my neck fusion in 2001. What are it’s characteristics.

It’s unemotional, not the most observant, close minded, not an independent thinker, always trying to be normal, not accepting help or adaptations. Why does this exist for me?

It’s 2 fold...first i was forced by necessity to endure numerous surgeries, medical tests, and various treatments at a very young age. This forced me to mature /take life extremely serious very quickly. I was totally focused on just working through what was going on, so i shut down my emotions (subconsciously), became tough (subconsciously to an extent) and went with the flow, and delayed the normal psychological developments of a child. Because most of my serious were pretty intense i was dependent on my support system. Which is great, that’s what you’re suppose to do...But when you get past say high school, you should be itching to get out into the world and make it on your own....yea that wasn’t me. I was successfully in college and professionally, but socially and emotionally i never really cared or knew i needed to grow in those areas.

In parallel to all of these medical procedures i was still attending school. I was born with Ectodermal Dysplasia (look it up on Google). Long story short i did not appear like everyone else nor did i function like everyone else. My imposter came out when in public to the best of its ability to try and fit in, to be normal. This involved being tough, as much as possible, not putting my foot down when i should have, lack of confidence, naively not accepting my limitations, etc. I also rejected any adaptions because they were too clumsy and made me look even less normal.

So the above was pretty much elementary through high school. Not accepting my limitations, well I’ve only recently started to be ok with my own skin until a few weeks ago, never late then never!...Ok, moving into college is where my imposter just dug a hole to china for my authentic self to the point of almost no return, until now. Going into college i was still extremely dependent on my parents in an unhealthy way (i went home nearly every weekend), i was shy/lack of confidence because i was afraid i wouldn’t appear to be normal. I also do not and frustratingly enough sometimes still don’t think for myself. A. I never learned how to and B. I had so much other stuff going on medically, etc that i was too oblivious on observing how to mature. Fast forward again to 2011-2014, when i got my first job and then got married....

From 2011 to about 2014 i really started to go down hill emotionally/socially. What i mean is started hanging out with people i normally wouldn’t hang out with; im an intelligent introvert who genuinely hates any sort of social stuff. Anyways, these guys were idiots, arrogant, like to drink and hooters, etc. I was in a stage where i was so use to being in a certain environment that i didn’t know how to function any other way. Best way to describe is when the Amish turn 18 they get some time to try out normal english life, sometimes it goes great and sometimes it doesn’t (drugs, drinking, driving fast etc). Thank fully God didn’t let me do anything that dumb....

In July 20, 2014 i said I do to my amazing wife. She has put in a superb amount of effort to learn about me, to be a better communicator, take care of me (both physically and emotionally). While we each bring our own challenges, marriage is a two way street, a team effort. My “imposter” has happily allowed me to be completely unobservant, be Mr. tough guy, not want kids bc it’s not cool/im afraid of not messing up, not putting God as the center of my life, because it’s not cool/, don’t show emotion, because it’s not the manly tough guy thing to do, ignoring help, not seeking help, etc. My imposter tough guy also didn’t have his values straight, he just went with whatever the people around him thought, pretty shallow. With all of this “not cool stuff or being afraid”, it became even more engrained the first few years out of school and a fish out of water. I didn’t allow myself to stay connected with nice folks from college because they weren’t the cool kids, stupid i know. 

My authentic self, the one who show’s emotion, pushes through barriers by accepting help and asking for help. The person who wants to make people happy and inspire them through words and actions. He loves God and believes he is his rock during tough times. That is who i need to be to be a Godly man. 

You know what? my recent research from multiple sources tells me it’s normal, cool, expected, etc to be a dad. It’s important to ask for and accept help; it’s healthy, it’s not a sign of weakness. Respecting, loving your wife, being goofy with your wife, every proper gentleman does it. Marriage is hard, it only gets harder if you don’t put the work in. Study your wife, be a servant leader, protect her, love her, say affectionate words to her, etc. If you don’t know how to do something in a relationship or you fail the first time. Own up to it and ask your friends, family and/or use the INTERWEBS.  I had the fortune of my wife telling my these things vs play hard to get but i missed those bc i thought (naively) marriage just happens/pssh those things aren’t important, You know what happened? Her and I more or less turned into roommates, two separate people no longer teammates.  She got frustrated and i got frustrated, we are now in that same gosh darn whole dug to China by my imposter.  

Communication during marriage is number one, but there’s a lot more to it then just being transparent...yes that’s good, but words have power. You have to know what you’re saying, can’t just say whatever comes out of your head. I don’t mean filter to make the conversation sway one way or another but to present your thought in a way that is straight forward and easy to understand to the best of your ability. 

Also your priorities in life as a husband is to serve, protect and love your wife above all else. Show her off in public, defend her in public, don’t make her feel bad, argue maturely (it’s ok to take a 5 minute break to cool down). Life is a journey, not a destination, enjoy it.

Also, here is a list of resources for you on relationships/marriage:

https://www.marriagelaboratory.com/

https://www.marriage365.org/

http://www.markmerrill.com

https://www.familylife.com

https://www.theadultman.com