#im not even gonna tag which fp

[sproutzai]

it's still wild to see my ex subposting abt me after 2??? years? like not only that they completely micharacterise me if that's even possible. like get over it jesus christ.

[arquivista]

ok this is gonna be unrelated to anything i usually post and im tagging #gaming and #blacklight retribution and #fps even if they doesnt have an actual fanbase. anyway

blacklight retribution is the game of all time. its a blatant cod bo3 copy, alright, but it has built in wallhack (with a cooldown, obviously), the controls are retro (aka they suck) and all the players also suck. which puts me exactly on top because i know how to take advantage of all of that

the game, like original cod games, has like a "spendable credit score" system or something. you trade your score for goods and services basically. and one of those goods is the Fucking Hardsuit, costing 1300.

and holy shit it sucks.

i actually buy the hardsuit every match im in, not because i like it – no, no, i hate it, it doesnt allow you to use the built-in wallhack, it has slow movement, and he gets stuck a lot. but, without fail, i still buy it. and, also without fail, i give it to the shittiest player on my team. this hollow shell of a person that cant even play one of the most basic fps games ever.

and i always feel like a father, the father i wish i always had (i have one but i dont like him), a father giving his son a shitty toy. but this toy means so much to the child they isnt just gonna give up. no, no, theys gonna cling on to it, they will spend so much time with it. and they will like it. a lot.

so yeah the game is free on ps4 idk on steam (adding the tags #ps4 and #steam rn)

[darkisacolorright]

iiii can feel myself splitting on hiiiiiiiim and every time he texts me my brain keeps going

HATE YOU LOVE YOU HATE YOU LOVE YOU HATE YOU LOVE YOU

and it goes around in circles to the point that i Cant Respond

[001100111]

emo adventure time hours

[accidentally-overdosed]

styling the free people striped henley!

@hauntedviolets texted me asking if i could come up with some outfits using the fp striped henley cus she loves it sm, and it seems like a fun challenge so i did it :) so here is me pairing it into six different outfits using some other exacts and also things in my own closet. enjoy <3 let me know if u have any questions!

outfit #1:

this was very basic but wanted to see the pairing, this is just the striped burnout with the trapeze slip (both by free people) paired with some black leggings. cute and lightweight which is good cus its hot as hell in LA right now :(

outfit #2:

this is honestly one of my fav outfits i put together even tho it doesn't fully highlight the striped burnout. i paired it with the free people ava skirt in olive green + this cute sweater i thrifted, the tag says its from the brand jieanne pierre! i like this cus its simple and i move easy in it!

outfit #3:

another simple outfit (i swear it gets better hold on) but i thought this was cute and reminded me of what violet wore in 01x04, the white floral henley and the kinks tee. this is basically the same thing but with the striped henley, my precious nirvana t & some black leggings. the shirt is HUGE so i like to think its like she stole it from tate :-)

outfit #4:

this is kind of like a three in one outfit. i couldn't decide which pairing i liked more so i have the first one which is a red wife beater layered over the striped burnout + a cardigan my best friend gave me + those same black leggings. wasn't sure if i liked the rusty red color so in the second version i paired it with this darker olive green tank. i wanted to add some more dimension to the outfit so in the final revision i added a blue flannel with the sleeves rolled up to showcase the henley :)

outfit #5:

this was honestly one of my favorite outfits too regardless of its simplicity. this top from free people is so fucking cute and i love the touch of pink in the fabric. this outfit is just that cute top, the henley and my favorite black leggings (like all the other outfits 😐)

outfit #6:

i saved the best for last... i adore this outfit. its my reformation riley dress paired with the henley ofc and this cute little hat + some burgundy tights! the beanie was inspired by these hats we see vi wear below...

anyways i really like this outfit and i think im gonna wear it on my first day of school. im considering dying the hat from this tan color to a darker green, i feel like itd be a nice accent piece among all this red in the outfit!

ignore my shoe just sitting there help.... theres still 4 outfits left in this shoot i did but tumblr only let you ass 10 images. let me know if youd like to see a part two <3 love you all, im so close to 200 followers which is crazy :,)

[ariyadaivaris]

catsi replied to your post “i miss lucha chiropractic, and i miss mustafa’s teaming with gran and...”

oh i absolutely 100% know what you mean and agree

205 live has been putting a lot more emphasis on putting on incredible matches (with great success) but in the process i think it's lost a lot of the quirky upbeat fun attitude that made us all fall in love with it to begin with? i ALSO miss titus worldwide and seeing akira have friends, i miss seeing goofy interactions backstage like that box of flour that exploded in ariya's face that one time

and i LOVE drake, i do, but i miss the sort of open-ended free-roaming the boys had before? feuds felt a lot more personal before one person called all the shots. like the Drew vs Mustafa feud that was born out of Drew doing some dumbass shit and Mustafa being like "ahah no this will not do". like they drove their own feud and it had so much STORY. it was much more than just "grrr you were mean" "grrr yes i am fight me about it"

or the fucking Brian and Akira feud, jesus, that feud was one of my favourites in all of pro wrestling, i think? Brian teaching Akira these "lessons" via fucking with his matches and Akira finally snapping and parrotting every lesson back at Brian and then ending his whole shit with that senton thru a table. like i feel like the current 205 live would never allow that story-heavy of a feud to last as long as it did (it was like 2 months?)

this is a stupid analogy but bear with me - old 205 live felt like an open-world RPG where you can just go wherever and do whatever and in the process have wild interactions like Everything Alicia Fox Was A Part Of, or the trick or street fight, etc.. maybe the combat wasn't allowed to be as detailed as it could be to give the story room to breath but the story gave the combat DEPTH

and new 205 is like... an on-rails fps. the combat is good, it's so good, oh my god is it ever good, but there's so much focus on it that story feels lost and stuff just happens to make combat look cooler or last longer? and i still love 205 with all my heart but what made me fall in love with it to begin with and get obsessed with it was its thoughtful, deep, consistent storylines

SORRY THAT'S A LOT... i've just had the same thoughts as u of like... i love these boys SO MUCH i want their interactions to have more depth than "i have the title" "well I WANT THE TITLE..." "fight me for it!" like akira and neville's title feud wasn't akira going "i want that title!" it was titus going "YOU want that title. YOU CAN GET THAT TITLE. let me help you. let me be your friend" and neville being like "the power of friendship cannot defeat me!!"

CAT!!!!!!!!!! never ever apologize im gonna SING i love listening to you talk about 205 oh my god

you worded it PERFECTLY that analogy makes perfect sense? i absolutely feel that, it’s gotten so much more focused on technical work and, like you said, combat, but in the process it feels like...the heart of 205 has kind of gotten lost? it’s there but everything’s shut off from everything else that isn’t on the designated path and it’s so FRUSTRATING to have everything so CLOSE but so strictly separated

like....like you said, i LOVE drake, but i feel like he’s very very much Lawful Good and i love that character and i love how he interacts with the roster as a result, but he’s lawful good running 205 and 205 is very very VERY Chaotic Neutral/Good and fitting it into this alignment, things have gotten shaved off around the edges and it stings!!! there’s a thriving ecosystem of dynamics between everyone on this roster, take any two people and they’ll probably have an established dynamic (besides lince who has taken basically until now to be actually given a spotlight, and new dudes like buddy or lio) and knowing that, you can SEE them use that and weave it into their interactions and it feels so alive on such a foundational level!!!

like...talking abt mustafa v drew, you could see the story advance and you could see HOW that story changed their in-ring performances. like, the story wasn’t JUST in words, but as time went on, mustafa DID get grounded but it was exactly in the way he needed to be grounded to achieve his fullest potential! and you could SEE him learning that, you could see him incorporating technical pins into his matches, and waiting longer for risks that were more certain, instead of charging in blindly! you could see the story and characters evolve through JUST THE WAY THEY FOUGHT and its a level of storytelling that is so so so understated but its like. HOOOOLY SHIT like, it still blows me away thinking about it

like. LIKE!!! like you said, storylines lasting 2 months or more, that doesn’t feel...like something that could happen for just feuds between people who arent champions right now. the feuds that happen now are still good, but there’s a big fucking jumble of people involved in every one and that decreases the chance for individual feuds and also just...in lhp’s case it feels very much like a reason to not give lince or gran or kalisto individual character arcs which Yeah Okay Fucken Great You’re Not Sneaky, its

tony and drew having matches with gran and cedric? like, that rivalry, that was a team thing for a bit but it was enhanced because we’d seen the dynamics between these individual dudes already, and we saw that on display during matches. drew and cedric NOW, FUCK, its frustrating seeing it because on top of the FUCKING fandom shit happening lately, like, drew and cedric have a pretty significant title history already! like, its certainly been swept under the rug with the rat where he fucking belongs but cedric actually reached OUT to drew and told him that he COULD make a better 205 if he did the right thing. he was actively sympathetic towards drew and that was an interaction we never really got to see more of and that could add SUCH A DIMENSION TO THIS FEUD IF WE COULD ACKNOWLEDGE THE HISTORY 205 HAS INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF NEVER HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god my train of thought is all over the place im sorry fhdkjsd i agree with you wholeheartedly cat u worded it perfectly. christ i miss akira and titus worldwide. that arc was so good, akira trying to be alone and gradually learning to accept titus’s friendship and apollo’s concern for him, akira learning to tap when he couldn’t fight anymore instead of carrying on and breaking himself, that character arc is still the best in all of wrestling to be QUITE honest and now it feels like...akira’s alone again. akira is alone again after hideo, even, which is an arc im still a lil cross about! akira feels so...alone. and he wasn’t before. and it’s like...

akira’s support system he actively EARNED and WORKED FOR last summer, it’s all gone now. he doesn’t get to tag with mustafa or cedric or jack anymore, he doesn’t really have anyone looking out for him, he’s fighting his own battles again and it feels like everything’s just...been unravelled. and it HURTS! that story arc was EVERYTHING to me and its still my favorite an entire ass year later. and now it just...isnt there. 

i dont know. i love 205 with all my heart and it is my heart but i feel like...without matches on ppvs or on raw, their time is even more limited to prove what they can do, and its been streamlined and we dont see everyone’s antics backstage, we don’t see faces reaching out to heels, we don’t see noam and ariya bickering with lince, we don’t see akira and mustafa talking in passing before plot stuff kicks in, it just feels like...the fabric that made 205 feel like a living breathing creation and family is pulled out into just individual threads now? and i miss...when it wasn’t that

[sloblesbian]

been doing a new years resolution & reflection post every year since 2014 so im gonna continue that trend. 

personally this was a really great year for me. it’s very weird. things are objectively bad. if you think too much about the future things start to fall apart. there isn’t anything to rely on, outside of my own ability, and that’s limited in what i can do without support. but. it’s not hopeless. i dream a lot of finally graduating and getting a job that will keep me more than just barely afloat, and of what that could mean for me... i won’t graduate for at least 2 year (i need 56 more credits-- i think after 2 years i’ll have 2 more classes to get in, unless i manage either some summer courses or 2 semesters of 5 classes, both of which are unlikely) and even then i know finding a job is hard. theoretically i could start now but i find it difficult to work 30 hours a week and go to school. i’m also afraid that i might make less at an entry level job than at my current job... but maybe this summer i will apply at some bookstores & libraries. 

also... i really love my girlfriend. she’s coming to stay with me for 2 weeks in march and i am so excited. it’s been a good year for us. every day i talk to her and she really understands and like, gets me you know? i am amazed and i fall in love some more. 

also i accomplished a ton in 2017. maybe not the things i set out to (i finished 1 sock that i started last november, lol, and the only short stories i read were a few online and for school) but i transferred to RIC. i only took 2 classes because i couldnt register till june but i got As in both of them and my gpa is a 4.0 which has never happened in my LIFE. i’m excited about the classes i’m starting this month, and after i finish spanish & anthropology i should only have english classes from then on out. i wouldn’t say i love my current job but it’s miles better than working in retail. it’s less stressful and while i’m generally working less hours i am making a little bit more. it feels necessary & helpful as opposed to being in an endless capitalism machine that only exists to grind me down for unreasonable standards. 

but i did read 100 books which was real touch & go for a while.. the first couple months of 2017 i barely read & felt like i had lost my ability to plow thru a ton of books, then the middle of the year i caught up & jumped ahead... fell behind, etc. i finished my last book on the 28th though. i read a lot of comics; my page count for this year is way down, but it doesn’t matter. that’s still damn impressive. 

and for things i didn’t plan at all but still accomplished: i wrote 4 pieces of fiction this year. i mean. they’re all fanfiction, which isn’t really something i even read never mind write, which i think is maybe??? sort of even more impressive? i’m going to try and write some original stuff in the coming year but like. right after nanowrimo, my friends and i, who were previously in the fictional coalition of writers who don’t write, uh, all started writing. which is great. but i mean. i started writing in february? march? i wrote a 10k word fic, and then a short follow up, a short pjo thing, and i wrote another 6000 words this month but it’s not on ao3 cause it’s like... a complementary piece to something that isn’t finished yet, lol. overall about 20k words which isn’t too much in the long run but i like that i wrote 4 completed pieces. it’s nice because i had sort of let myself give up on writing because... i mostly don’t enjoy it. i don’t like scrounging for ideas. but i do like planning things out enough, outlining what i want to happen, and then writing the whole thing. it’s like writing a list and then accomplishing it which... as u know, i love. as far as i can tell uhh most people don’t need to do this. i really have to know like. the end trajectory of a piece before i start writing. i don’t have to know every detail but if i am confused to where it’s going i can’t write it. i’m not great at ideas but i am good at making things happen. it feels nice to accomplish something creative, when i basically haven’t since i uhhh dropped out of art school. 

also, i wrote 47 reviews, which, damn! i (read: my bff & roommate mags) put up a new website, even if it is going to come down this month (i think. i wanna transfer everything first) and i wrote a review nearly every week and a lot of them were good. like. that’s a lot of writing, between fiction & what have u, what category do my dumb reviews fall under. 

(FOOD/DIET warning i dont wanna put it in the tags of the post just skip this paragraph) oh also i cut dairy & eggs (& also gelatin & honey, i guess) out of my diet, & i feel very very good about it (also i think i lost something like 20 lbs-- i don’t weigh myself but uhhh thats good thats very good). when i stopped eating meat in 2010 i lived with my mom & my intention was to one day go vegan but like... i didn’t want to put the strain on her & also i sometimes struggle with food things. but it’s gone really well. it’s nice. feel good. love to cook. very good at it. 

so like...... a really good year for me. here’s what i want out of 2018

i’m cutting my reading goal down specifically because i don’t think it’s something that can grow exponentially and i think the main reason i was able to accomplish it was because i didn’t have too much school this year. when i started setting goals for myself in 2012 my original goal was 50 books; that’s what we’re going back to.

every year (except 2016 when i was realistic) i told myself i would read more short stories & knit more. i’m hoping that having less to read (which i prioritize over all other hobbies) will give me more time. also i have a desk & a chair set up which... idk... helps? i put some knitting stuff there & grafted the toe of a sock the other day, so i hope it does, at least. i read a short story yesterday so i hope that’s a portent for 2018. i want to finish the time travelers almanac at least. i have a lot of collections and i do enjoy them. it’s just easier to get through novels than anything else. 

if u follow my twitter you have probably heard me say this but: 2018 is the year of the video game for me. im, uh, terrible at games- im fairly certain i have dyspraxia, at least mildly (im wildly, wildly uncoordinated)- but for a while i was playing a few because i had done it enough that i had gotten better..... well, this year i played persona 5, which i really loved like. more than any video game in a long time. i know a lot of people were disappointed with aspects of it (rightly so) but i had never played another persona game so i think that probably shaped my opinion some, and also, i think p5 dealt with issues that i really love to see in fiction & generally don’t, even if it ultimately dropped the ball. anyway. it kind of revitalized my interest, and i want to play more. i have p4 that i want to get through. i never finished usum. i have a bunch of games on steam & mags let me sign into their steam library too & they have about 400 games (thats not an exaggeration). i wanna replay me2&3 for sid. i want to practice so i can play games that are more difficult than i usually do. (mass effect being the sole fps i can play, usually i can only play very linear rpgs (think pokemon & dragon age) and uhhh puzzle games, god i love puzzle games) 

so, more concretely:

read 50 books

try to read more short stories

knit more

play video games

do well in school

that sounds good. happy new year.

[anti-transphobia]

IF YOU CANT SCROLL DOWN AND TELL THIS POST IS REALLY LONG THE SHORTEET ANR BEST I COULD GET IT WITH MY CURRENT SITUATUATION IS THE HEART BULLETS SO IF YOU WANNA REQD ANYRHINT AT ALL I RECCOMEND THAT UNLESS YOU UAVE A GOOD ATTENTION SPAN AND/OR ARE INTERESTED AND THE AFFECTS OF CERTAIN DRUGS ON PEOPLE OR U IF YOU WNNA KNO W HOE UNBEARABLEBYOULL BE IF YOU DO DUMB SHIT AND TRY TO KILL YOURSELF WITH MEDS

Even if i "sound" (by how im typing) like im fine right now please please keep in mind i am not. I am in physical pain and will be for a while which will disable me for a while. i hope that isnt ableist to say? Its true i will be temporarily unable to walk and when i can not for long and without hurtint myself. It may not be the best choice of words but im not sure. Please correct me if im wront and i hope im not asking for all kinds of special treatmeant but please be kind about it. Being in a bad place doesny make it okay but i do need peoppes kid gloves on right now or else i may make some person who may just be trying to help feel bad abt themselves for possibly making me more depressed and suicidal. I know this is a good posibility if people arent gentle with me but it doesnt mean i can stop how i feel if it happens. Back to the topic which i cant even remember (im gonna reiterate this destroys my memory as well as ability to focus on something which is a dangerous combo) so it may not ah make any fucking sense. It sounds like i was talking abt how much pain im still in with a focus on my physical pain instead of my mental and how it stills affects and limits me. Well. Not sure where i was going with that and while if youre one of those ppl who get concerned over strangers ans stuff uh i forgot what i was writit here! Honestly no exaggeration. I thought abt my fp for a split second and ive already lost my point. I suppose i coulve just deleter the sentence and skipped that or tjought of something else to say but in case youre the one forgettib somethin here, rambling side affect. I am on the verge of making this a 20 page post abt how i cant stop ramblint while im saying im rambling. Sorry so sorry i have little control over every part of me, inside my brain and out under normal circumstances so ywah its 10000× worse now. Attempting to get back on poiny again, i think ppl who get worriee abt others easily shouldbt worrt too much abt whether im gonna die right now bc it all depends on how fast i recover and whether my parents are working today so i have tue chance to harm myself more. God i have no idea whwt rhie post means or was supposed to be abt. Ill try to summarize what i thini is goin on ans what i was truna say BAD SUMMARY POSSIBLY UNLESS I KNOW MYSELF PRETTY WELL WHICH I THINK I DO: ☆im not healed yet im still dealing with a lot of things rn even though i may still appear okay to some. While ppl on the verge of attemptiny suicide or harming themsepves have just as valid feelings as people who actually do, and being close to hurtiny yourself takes definite time to heaol, im going to go out on a hopefully not rude or bad limb and say ppl who actually do it generally need more recovery time and ppl need to understand the healing wont be as fast as it may be if nothit was actually done ☆ i forgot the second thing so ill write this here as a genuine and unnppanned reminder that this is having very clear affects on me. Also the laco of sleep for over a day is gonna fuk w me on its own combinee with drug usage soo yeh ☆ i remember now ppl who get concerner shouldbt be too concerned abt me dying atm or in a too near future ☆ i dont encourage ppl to worry abt me and the fact some ppl aay they do feels like a joke to me but there are definately things to worry abt. Even if you think physical health is less important than mental health which most ppl unfortunately dont see them as equal, my physical health and mental health are connected in many ways right now. If i get too stressed, scared (an im extremely paranoid rn on the verge of a freakout constantly), or even happy/excited my increases heart rate will go nuts and put nearly unbearable pain which may in turn worsen my mental health and create a cycle of pain ☆ once again i keep forgetting andb as the side affects are worsening im becoming less anr less like the person who solemly started to write this post (i think the word fits accurately here but it sounds odd. Dont let this make you think im happy, im in no way happy. I just have a shit ton of energy which if i caree abt my wellbeing would b dangerous bc its easier for ke to kill myself now. Or it woipd be if it werent for the fact im in a lot of paij rn for a variety of reasons) ☆with that last bullet im p sure i was gonna say i love you guys. I didnt so i will say t here!! I love you guts you guys have helped me 'kay? BEAR WITH ME AS I ATTEMPT TO SHORTEN WHWT I SAY FOR EVERYONES BENEFIT EVEN IF IT TAKES 5 TRIES ANE 4 POSTS Buttercup Tries a Summary 2.0 ♡im in a lot of pain right now. Im shaking for a few reasojs and oje of em is bc im in a shitton of pain ♡please be kind to me for a bit. more gentle then you woule usually have to be with me. i dont wnna ask for too much but even joking around without saying youre joking very blatantly could make everythibg a lot worse which i dont wnna happen bc it woulsbbe unfair to a persob meaning no harm ♡i dont think i said i love you guys? I love you guys ♡im probablt missing a shit ton of impprtant thints so im just gojna sau im in a lot o f pain holy fuck if you even have a casual conversatioj im probabky gonna mention how my body is dying and not peacefully ♡Oh JUST REMEMBEREE MY PHONE BATTERY. ITS AT 6%. IT WAS AT 11/12 WHEN I STARTED WRITING THIS POST. IT TAKES ME THAT LONG TO SAY SIMPLE THINGS IN MY CURRWNT STATE (im gonna grt an estimate of how long this post took and put it in the tags and if anyones interested or willijg to humour me and pretend to care i can find tags of a big suicide attempt i did when i was 13/early14 just so you can. Get a grasp of how bad my rambling can REALLY be) ♡puttin this with a new heart cuz the last one is too damned long now fuck you buttercuo and ur dumb ass anyways my phone is at 5% now ans still lowering. I m physically unavle to get toje computer wnd while i can use my phone while chargij t it doesnt work as well and everyhiny i do will taoe even longer. It fucks w the keypad so my spellijy will probabky be worse agian ajd tumblt wouod die every other minute so