#im nto the hugest christmas fan lmAo

[gardenbiriety]

eeeekkkk christmas is the worst for dysphoria honestly

uhm so sui tw and family shit and just generally bad thoughts ahead 

yikes so i used to really like christmas but now its literally just??? how can i navigate my family without making my parents hate me and without wanting to kill myself more than usual and i forgto this part every year until we have to have dinner w ppl and i just? realise how? my family doesn’t give two shits abt me at all except for my brothers lmao like??? i’ve literally said calling me my deadname makes me feel like sshit and my ma wont fucking believe me until i fucking kill myself and even then? she would just say i was being selfish what a cunt honestly

like i acctually forget that im not ok and then i remeber when i said ‘since ur fmily i guess i can’t make u but i’d really fucking love it if u called me roman ‘ and my uuncle legit was like ‘well im still gonna call u deadname ‘ like thAnks dickhead if i didn’t love my lil counsin (and only one bc her younger brother is such a dick (he’s like 11 so  i try not t hate him) but he’s really fucking violent to his sister and whenever he hurts her she just doesn’t say anything but she accidently (or on purpose,,, but thats rareer bc shes such a sweetie ok i love her) but she tripped him on one fo thsoe big jumping pillow things and i (an almost adult at the time, this was like 6months to a year ago) had to physically get inbetween them bc he was determined to hurt her and he gets away with all sorts of shitty and cruel behaviour and she doesn’t even get away with retaliating and i lvoe her so much and it makes me so mad? but anyway she’s the only person (and maybe my aunt but less) who i like from their sect of the family and we have to have dinner with them and im gonna screm bc every time i see him i remember that and honestly????? 0/10 

but that doesn’t hurt as much as the facct that? my ma still doesn’t believe me? like i fucking started hurting myself when i was 12 but sure..... this is some sort of fucking phase and im just ‘wanting to be different too badly’ (fuck her honestly) im so???? i shouldn’t have to feel this shit and i probably wouldn’t if she just grew the fuck up and let me be???? like????? i dont give a fuck if u ‘always wanted a daughter’ ya didn’t fucking get one and ur gonna lose ur oldest kid if u keep this shit up like idk how long i can deal with her but i also ant leave and i dont know what to do and if i’m not working enough (to her satisfaction anyway) next year she’s actually going to have at me and i just????? i want to get out but there is nowhere to go because nowhere is safe im fucking???/ im stuck and i dont want to be here anymore 

is it that hard to take me seriously???? once i fucking pulled a muscle in my neck at someone elses house and they rung my ma to ask if i could have panadol and i was crying over the phone and she still accused me of faking (recently she told me she thought i had gotten addicted to drugs when i was in america for like? twenty days? because i had fucking panadol and ibprofen in my bag bc i didn’t realise ibprofen was not panadol and didn’t do the same thing and i wasn’t just gonna? chuck it out???) honestly i’ve fucking had enough 

AnD alSo she is always grumpy / easy to anger bc of work / her general suppression of emotions / ect and takes it out on us w/o consquence and i pointed it out and she legit just said ‘yeah but im an adult tho’ like???? honestly fuck u you dont get to do that iim so mad and im so sad and i fucking dont even know if theres any point? trying to maintain out relationship? like i love her but fuck she is not good for me at all and has, consistently, for years, managed to ruin almost all of my good days with a single word and i just fucking???? i’ve had enough and i cant be bothered anymore like all she does is set off bother my anxiety and dysphoria and screams at me until i get out of bed which makes it? even harder to get out next time??? she is still trying to manage my life and shit like???  fuck u??? if i need help ill ask otherwise leave me alone (ofc when i ask for help she’s fckign shiitty abt that too honestly ‘ask if u dont know’ ‘except if its ‘common sense’ or smth that i already know and u, also, somehow, telepathically do to’ like sometimes i jsut wanna ask for reassurance!!!! fuck u!!! jsut say yes / no and move the  fuck on it’s not that hard u dont have to be a cunt

i’ve been on the verge of tears for two days but its g its chill im just gonna have to make sure my ds is charged before the crhistmas family dinner and pray nobody writes my fucking deadname on any gifts bc seeing it written honestly causes me physical pain and accepting it will also do that fuck me theres nothing i can do except send judgmental looks (but on the downlow bc i dont waanna be ‘disrepecctful’ and have them dramatically try and take the gift back even tho i dont rlly care abt whatever shit they got me my ma would kill me) im so tired i can’t wait until i dont have to speak to these people ever again