#im so excited to do ceramics tho like im buzzing

[himboprince]

just found out abt microwave kilns....im so tempted and curious

[wheat-hands]

updates on my life! 

i’m working w 2 kids and have been for like 5 months now and it’s stressful sometimes but overall really enriching and rewarding and inspiring and teaching me so so much about how they learn and what they’re concerned with and their thought processes and it’s just rly nice (still stressful tho everyday i freak out and one of my kids has a worse affect on me and gets my blood pressure UP THERE cause i’m so anxious i’m doing something wrong and shes so sweet but i feel for the mom and im like im making shit worse i dont have the answer im sorry im just a kid lmao)

i’m still living at home but i’m not as anxious and i’m more open about shit w my parents and it’s nice to be a part of a family even if it’s not perfect... idk not much to be said here, they suck at pronouns and next year im gonna remind them again cause for the past 6 months theyve been like were getting used to it and the name is easier to get used to so first name then pronouns and also correcting us everytime makes us feel bad (honestly i understand where theyre coming from and they are trying but are getting lazy and dont correct themselves as much so i think a reminder of how much it means for me is needed) but theyre good kids or whatever

memes (my cat) is an angel and loves me more and more each day and i cry over her all the time she’s perfect and bratty and has started talking a bit more and god you guys she’s amazing, like i cant afford a dog rn or any other pets and shes just the light of my life shes so affectionate these days and im about it

i’m in love w my best friend and things are flirty and light yet deep and comfortable and i’m taking everything day by day and just letting the love in myself be honest and dreamy without the pressure and anxiety and i’m so enriched to have someone i can call a best friend who inspires me in every way and our friendship is so precious to me and i’m so patient with it and it nudges me to pour my love over into everyone around me like wowowowowowow ykno? i’m proud of both of us for how we communicate and read each other and sometimes i still have doubts about my ability to express shit but it’s not driving my thoughts and we r rly cute together i’m so thankful and proud of them for everything our relationship has been and has given us i god you guys i love them so fucking much its nestled in such a compassion for each other and i just dont doubt theyre love and their effort :’)

and also i have a crush on someone new and it tickles at my throat and makes me heart thrum and buzz and spark and literally just touching their earlobe made my breath catch in my throat and it’s nice to allow that in myself. i trust my actions and my respect of their boundaries and it’s hard for me to be sexual rn (not that that will happen probably) but physical intimacy and affection is like a cool salty breeze just when it was getting too hot, and makes me excited and relaxed even just to have a new friend that i feel connected and comfortable with and a soft flirting connection, idk… it took me by surprise and i feel like im gonna curse it but its cute llmao

i’m doing more art and creative outlets and rly rly rly rly rly wanna take a ceramics/pottery class so so so so fucking bad i feel like it’d be so fun and has so much opportunity for creativity and play and that’s just what i want rn!!! so i hope i pursue an opportunity for that soon, definitely a goal of mine come next year

i’m looking into grad school but not absolutely gunning for any way out of here like i was over the summer…. i miss school a lot a lot but i don’t know what’s in the cards for me yet… and i’m waiting for the dust in my heart to settle a little before i sit and plan out which is a nice change of pace for me but rn i am looking at tulane in new orleans or LA or possibly montreal or possibly like 17 other places lmao 👏🙃🙃🙃🙃

i have a wonderful trip to dreamy mountain towns planned for february and i’m begging for snow fall and to take myself around wherever my heart itches to go and stopping to visit friends along the way, and very excited to take my cameras and document it all… im such good company hahaha like a huge part of me wishes for someone else to tag a long but its not realistic and this is just something i need to do and planning it w someone else might stresss me out :/

i am gonna change my name soon and its not as scary as changing it from my birthname but its gonna be my legal name so thats spooky!

i don’t have a lot of folks close around me, and that’s okay, i have friends and connections in many places and i’m not trying to compete with an invisible self anymore that has someone to hang out with all the time and talks to people everyday, im me and enriching connections whenever possible but letting them take root and grow on their own when they tell me thats what they need

i’m just overall healing and growing rn and there’s still days when i hate every moment and everything i do but im good at noting when things are good and singing loud and dancing goofy and just feeling every fucking inch of my self without disgust or anguish

it’s not perfect…. but i’m so so so glad i’m still here to be told i’m so fucking loved, and make little girls smile and feel validated, and be an animals favorite person… to write letters to like everyone i know to pedal my little bike in the cold cold wind… i know all the reasons i never wanna die and all the reasons im still here