#im so fucking heartbroken i cant believe i forgot i fucking hate myself and my shit brain so much

[strawberrysweater]

i

saw a post that reminded me of a pokemon mystery dungeon zine i was following and i. forgot about it. completely. i wanted to buy it and preorders are over all their leftovers are fucking gone. i missed it by a few days. i am so completely utterly fucking devastated

[ribscarvedlikebutterflies]

matthew,

i’ll write these for the fuck of it because i know youre reading these. how i know? if you ask me, i’ll tell you. i’ll take the opportunity to just talk to you like this even though i dont want it to be this way because there’s so much i’ve been wanting to tell you. i can’t even begin. maybe i shouldnt do this at all, but i dont really give a fuck anymore.

im tired of the pushing and pulling. ive been tormented by my own self-doubt for months and im sick of it. i forgot who the fuck i was and i finally remembered not too long ago. i hate to say it, but you made me feel worthless. unlovable. disposable. and i know we both know those things arent true, but i felt it and i felt it deep and i couldnt understand it for awhile. i saw with my own eyes how you felt about me. and i still feel it now. what you showed me — your coldness, and dare i say cruelty — contradicted everything i felt deep inside of me. and i know i am never wrong. if only you knew how right i’ve been about so many things. i tried to forget so many times, tried to mend it so i wouldnt be tormented by this lack of closure, but you would not allow it, and so it persisted.

on the surface, everything looks like a losing game, but i know better. and ive been angry because i dont deserve any of this. it’s funny because i didnt feel heartbroken until i finally believed i didnt deserve this at all. this was weeks ago. i knew in my mind i didnt, but you know when you just dont realize until youre like, oh shit, actually this was fucked up. and i know you didnt realize just how fucked up it was until recently. i wasnt ashamed of how i felt about you, but i was ashamed of how strongly i believed it wasnt finished. that sense of inevitability has been haunting me since then, and i know better than to ignore my feelings.

so here are some things i wished i couldve told you to your face by now: i didnt even think to look at anyone else. i was already yours. im in love with you. i adore you.

yes, it’s that deep. i dont want to come off as too intense. i just want you to know that you didnt have to do anything to earn my love. i dont love you for what you could do for me, but just for who you are. that i cared and i still do. that i understand you have your reasons — at the same time, i wont justify them. you hurt me. bad. i didnt deserve it.

ive asked myself many times — is this really worth it? do i have to suffer everytime i love someone? cant i just forget?

but it wont stop… so im here… taking leap after leap, landing on my fucking face almost every time, but i keep going cause this shit is very very real and i’ll be damned if i dont let you know how i fucking feel about you. im not pussy !

what i want more than anything is to hug you. if i knew the last time we hugged would really be the last time, i wouldve ran back for a fourth and i wouldnt have let go. i can feel the pull in my chest now that i felt then. i want nothing more than to be in your arms.

have you ever loved someone and couldnt show them? it’s hard to find a place to put that love down. can it be done?

i pray for the day that im set free. i hope that day is soon. & no matter what, i only wish you the best.

love, zana

[shi7i]

I think I feel something similar as you? I'm romantically+sexually attracted to guys, but I don't want to be in a relationship bc I don't want to give up on my alone time and my routine, plus being in a relationship means being tied to another human being all the time emotionally and you gotta give them attention and they'll give you attention too but I'd find it kinda suffocating bc I'm so used being alone that it sounds like it'd be a burden after a while.

yessss!!!! i agree to all of this except the last part, i mean i think im okay with being alone, but not too alone, i wanna hang out with friends often too😆

also i think my problem is that i dont believe in love anymore?? i seriously forgot how it feels like to be in love too. i think it’s because the people around me, who are in a relationship (including my parents), made me convinced that true love doesnt exist. i mean no of course true love exists, but it’s really rare. i’ve heard enough of real life events where a guy falls out of love for their girl, couples getting divorced, having an affair, or cases where you know that person is very sweet when you two started dating, but after marriage, the other person is actually a fucking psycho, etc. yes although it’s common for these things to happen in relationships, it kinda hit me too much. so i cant really imagine myself to stay happy in a relationship because I KNOW, so damn fucking well, that the relationship will end anyway or even if it doesn’t, my man will get tired of me eventually no matter what. im brainwashed with that fact.

of course i genuinely want a committed relationship, but, i can’t get this out of my mind about my future man gonna lose interest in me. so i have to be prepared for that. i dont wanna be heartbroken (duh we all dont), so i cannot be so crazy in love with my man. again, because i know, “heh... he’ll get bored of me in the future. he’s still gonna be a lazy bum leaving me alone washing dishes in the fucking kitchen and do all the house chores by myself”.

..also, i fucking hate to try to be perfect, or to change myself, just for my partner to love me all over again. im not a fake person. im rude whenever i wanna be rude. i dont soften my voice to sound cute. i dont wear appropriate clothes to impress people. i dont laugh in a mannerly way. i dont behave like a girl should. i am me. so i’m totally okay with the fact that im gonna be single (and a virgin HAHAHAHAH) for years until i will actually eventually find my ‘soulmate’ *rolls eyes*

hmmm so the conclusion is i dont wanna be in a relationship because im afraid of the challenges and risks that comes with it i guess? im a loser i know😌 and yes of course, it’s like a burden to give them attention too while being aware that it’s just a waste of effort knowing that either of you will fall out of love anyway

im sorry i didnt expect i’d answer this long ahah and im sorry it’s like a mess because hghghhhhhhhhhhhhh (how to) english 😩

but aside all this, i LOVE and believe romance in fictions though!! i wish the best for my ships and otps, seeing them happy makes me happy😊😊