#im so glad shes normal and wouldnt do something like eat her best friends body

[sbeana]

cold girl with warm heart and warm girl with cold heart. you see what i mean

[fipindustries]

The ending of Fip in the big city

if you had been following me and paying close attention you will notice that my blog has a specific tag, #fip in the big city. it is a tag i came up with four years ago when i moved to cordoba to live on my own, borne out of the fact that i had never lived in a big city before, so there were all sorts of weird, coold, new experiences to doccument as i discovered the city as well as life as an adult, looking for a job, making new friends, interacting with the job market, getting into relationships, all that good stuff.

well, that tag is coming to an end for very sad reasons. im moving back with my mom. i couldnt find a job and i can no longer live with my ex.

after four years i just havent been able to find a stable job with a reliable salary, only temp gigs and freelance work online, not enough to rent an apartment and living by myself without support from my parents. for a while it seemed like that wouldnt matter that much because i was living with my girlfriend and she owned her apartment so i didnt have to help with the rent, only with the food and she was glad to put forth a bit more than me money wise. but then, about a year ago we broke up.

now in normal circumstances that would have been the end of it but we both decided to stay as friends and she graciously accpted to house me until i could get my feet back on the ground, and things seemed like they were more or less going in that direction as of march of this year.

but then, well, 2020 happened.

we got stuck with each other, me unable to lok for a job as half of the economy in my country was shut down, unable to leave the apartment and unable to interact with anyone else but each other as resentment, little papercuts, disagreements, frustrations and unpleasantness increased little by little through the months.

so my panic attacks came back and worse and more frequently than before.

let me tell you something about my health, i am very neglectful of it generally, i do try to eat healthy and get some minor excersice by way of taking long walks and try to have a good night sleep every day. but as things in this quarentine degenerated more and more so did my own care of myself and so did the fears of something going wrong. i can put up with a lot, i can be bent in the floor from stomach ache, have my skull split in twain due to headache, and coughing half my body weight in phlegm and mentally i’ll be stable because i know what is happening and i know that it will go away as long as i eat healthy, rest and drink enough water. i can put up with a lot as long as i know what im dealing with.

so you know, first time i start coughing and feeling some aches in my chest i get scared but then im like ok best case scenario itw nothing, just a minor flu, worst case scenario im not in a risk group so i just have to endure for two weeks and it will be gone, if things get really bad i’ll just go to a hospital, im not going to die.

and then it just kept going, and my panic attacks came into the mix and they kept getting worse and worse every week.

one of my biggest fears is asphixiation, the idea of trying to breathe and not being able to scares the crap out of me in a way i cant put into words. worrying that i might start feeling like my breath is not enough and caling  the hospital and the ambulance not getting there before i die kept me awake at night. and this was every night. for three months.

finally my ex had enough and said that this situation was no longer sustainable and that she couldnt put up with it any longer. i agreed with her, even without the fear of disease, living in her apartment had become just too toxic an enviroment for both of us. had it not being for the quarentine making it to move from one city to another extremely difficult i would have moved out months ago.

so that is the situation, and considering the way the world is going, considering the economy in my country and considering my own situation as a person with barely any job experience and trained in jobs that just not on high demand i just dont see myself coming back to the city next year or any other for a long time.

so, basically, im moving back with my mom, i have no idea what the future has in store and it whatever it might be it doesnt look like anything good. hopes are dim, spirits are low.

will be in forced quarentine at a hotel for two weeks before im allowed to go to my house so that’ll be fun. see y’all on the other side.

[pastelacrylics]

im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘

Assault TW under the cut

Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy

now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.

i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow

im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off

i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person?   i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked)  because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too.  and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.