#im so sorry im literally screaming nonsense into the void

[fourdancingmoths]

"Elias is a bitchy gay" this, "Elias is homophobic" that, I've actually decided that Elias Bouchard is a gay man but Jonah Magnus is a homophobic 1800s (?) bitch and together they create the vibes of a supposed cishet teenage boy who claims to hate gay people but has SOMETHING homoerotic going on with his best friend in this essay I will

[shadowthestoryteller]

*inhales*

[sapphicambitions]

Alright pals I need to vent about a Thing that’s making me anxious but it’s a long story and I just need to scream it into the void and maybe get some validation so bear with me

So the last guy I dated before I figured out that I was a lesbian was 100% because of comp het. We met through a class and hit it off right away and became super good friends. Honestly I thought he was gay and was like “yes finally a guy friend I don’t have to worry about flirting with.” But then of course he did start flirting with me and the second he showed romatic interest in me, my brain clicked and was like “he likes you. You must like him. Most boys don’t like you. Therefore you must take what you can get. You want to be in a relationship. You want to be loved and kissed. So take what you can get.” And so I started flirting back with him and all my friends were like “what I thought you said you weren’t interested in him” and I was like “yeah but I’m horny so”

So I started spending the night at his place and we would make out and stuff (never got all the way to sex sex bc I was grossed out by the idea hmm I wonder why). Like literally one time we were going at it and I thought “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with his body. Maybe if it was a girl I would know what to do” ((still didn’t comprehend how gay I was)) and this goes on for like a month and a half, two months. But he NEVER wanted to like, talk about his feelings, it was only physical. And one time I tried to start the conversation about like “are we dating??” And he freaked out and shut the conversation down. Overall he was very bad about communicating with me. There was a lot about that relationship that was bad and awkward and to this day (it was a year ago) I still think about it and my insides twist and turn and I feel icky. And I didn’t love him. I didn’t even like him. I just liked being wanted. And that kinda fucked with me!! And it ended badly. Like an awkward passive aggressive fight, him ghosting me, me spending the night again bc I got locked out of my apartment, us having a fight, me leaving at sunrise with a note on the pillow, me having to reach out a week later bc he had my favorite book, and it effectively ending the DND group we were apart of bc he stopped coming. (Sorry again, Leona) All of which literally makes my skin crawl and my stomach sink with guilt and anxiety and regret and self loathing.

And over the last year I’ve done a great job of letting go of all that! He is NOT the reason that I was like “maybe I’m gay” bc I my Coming Out And self realization about my sexuality has to do with positive experiences with women and not negative ones with men, but our relationship certainly added a few more chips into the Gay pile. So I spent the summer exploring and figuring out my sexuality, came out as a lesbian, kissed a few girls, and I’ve started dating a girl I really really like. I’m much happier and sure of myself and only accepting love that meets my standards. Im sure most lesbians and wlw can agree that when we look back on some relationships that were 100% comp het, they were unhealthy to both parties and kinda fucked with us emotionally. So I’ve moved on! Forgotten all of that nonsense that really fucked with me! Living my best lesbian life!!

But!! This semester!!! We have a class together!!! And it’s the history of sexuality in America! And it’s discussion based!! And you can bet that I’m gonna talk about lesbianism every possible second!!! But his presence fills me with anxiety!! And my brain is automatically like “show up looking hot and show him what he lost” and I’m like no we don’t do that!! And the other half of my brain is like “show up looking like a lesbian and show off that you’re gay now” and I’m like no!!! Nothing I do is for a man!! I do not have to perform my kind of queerness or feminity or sexuality for him.but I also don’t know how to act, like do I just ignore him the entire semester?? It’s a discussion based class we’re gonna have to talk!! I’ve never had to deal with anything like this before! I’m not gonna hide who I am but I also don’t want to feel like I’m performing my lesbianism in order to rub it in his face bc it’s a sacred thing to me

I’ve had two anxiety attacks about this in the last four days so can someone like validate me and what I’m feeling or maybe just send me some good thoughts and vibes bc I am WIGGING OUT RIGHT NOW