#im still very fixated but i have commission art to post

[hyenakat]

i have GOT to start posting again

[paanmoxi]

I’m not surprised you aren’t addressing your racism. The only reason you drew him at all is because Bucky is next to him and you clearly only like white people. Everyone you stan is a white person and if there’s a person of color that occasionally pops up, it’s only because you either didn’t color in their skin color at all, or they’re so light skinned that they’re already white passing. You watched falcon and the winter soldier for bucky, wanted to draw something of the two main characters because one of them is Bucky, and because Sam is the other half, you had to draw him as well. You just couldn’t do so without doing the racist trope that fandom loves to do to poc (especially black men) though, could you? You know, the one you got called out for by name on another post? Still not gonna address that?

You’ll go out of your way to draw a comic book version of Clint (who’s white) who doesn’t even exist in real life, and then put him in the same picture right next to real world/mcu sebastian!bucky (who’s white) Scarlett!natasha (also white), and RDJ!stark (white guy based who rdj based off elon musk) and almost nobody else. I’m not saying that people of color have to be your favorite characters, but the fact that you never even acknowledge or draw anyone else other than an occasional daredevil (a white man who wears a mask over his face), Peter Parker (white man who wears a mask over his face) and elektra (a white with a mask over her face) is telling. The ONE and ONLY time you really drew person of color was when you drew anthony!sam next to sebastian stan’s (white and taller than him) bucky barnes. And we both know it’s only because the very white man Bucky Barnes was there that you drew him at all.

And you were racist with that depiction.

UHMM im sorry if it felt like that and if affected u or anyone else😭😭 but it's really not that I don't like other poc characters (which I do wtf😭😭??) it's just that I'm fixated in the same 3 fools that I draw over and over again, I love Sam just as much as I love other characters like Yelena but same as Yelena,,,, I don't draw him as usual😭😭😭 thats it, it has nothing to do really with their race hello???😭😭

That sambucky art I think u r talking about it was actually a commission,, so,,, someone payed me to drew them like that and I didn't seem anyone having a problem with it when I posted it months ago. (and I don't draw sambucky as frequently bcs AGAIN it's not a ship for me just as spiderpool is not a ship for me or tonybruce is not a ship for me, etc) sooo that's that.... say hi to my Miles Morales socks that im wearing rn (which is my favorite spiderman)

[sesealotuz]

OLD BLOG INTRO...

Links>> Carrd Listography (<<working on it)

Hai !! I’m sesealotuz! Please call me Sesea (c sea) or Ko !! self taught young artist on media who is fixated on Aquatic themes and Nezha + Kui Mulang (LMK) !

Currently into Lego Monkie Kid!! may have other fandoms too but it varies and changes a looot... might not post much art as I get pretty distracted when trying to draw...  and as i post this im nearing my final exams!! 

I do OC x CANON art, OC art and Fanarts if I can/feel motivated to!! I mostly Reblog and (almost) NEVER ask , DM, or even comment due to being VERY shy . I would like pr0shippers/nsfw acc (or anything that falls in the DNI criteria) to not interact mainly because I’m a minor AND feel uncomfortable with anything problematic. Anyone under the age of -13 DNI.

I do have other socials that I didn’t list on my carrd at all! but will probably list them later on. I go by @ sesealotuz/sealotuz on ALMOST all medias. (might change the medias that don’t match) and maybe I’ll list them on my listography (if i ever finish it)

I DO or might add some Character Tags here and there, add images and etc...

I’ll also edit this post once in a while 

I will update this post once I finish my sona’s ref + other oc’s as I’m still not done designing them haha...

Extra Info!

I don’t do commissions at all, or post “completed art” as in polished and NOT sketchy ones. I do not take requests, although I can do art trades with moots/friends.

I speak Arabic and English, so I might make some silly post with Arabic language (but will be translated!!)

I rarely post, and CANNOT finish any reference for any of my characters. Anything on Toyhouse, Insta or even my older tumblr posts are just scrap stuff. Unless it has been pinned/highlighted.

If you feel uncomfortable w/ my content or blog itself please block/ignore it would be very appreciated if you do not act immaturely about it!!

I’m NOT the most social person around here, and like I said I only reblog and that’s kinda it... I DO allow DMs though. but simple “hi” or anything similar to it makes me very uncomfortable, and the chances of me responding are also slim.

Anything about the Lego Monkie Kid Nezha discourse makes me very uncomfortable. Please do research about his age and not make so much fuss about it. (Side-eyeing Twitter & Tiktok). The “Eternally 12″ Is pure misinformation and I recommend reading threads/users who explain Nezha’s character in general. Or read JTTW & FSYY.

Not too comfortable with any (Canon x Nezha) ships, preferred not to see it much. and not much of a shipper, and kind of do not ship any canon x canon characters. (maybe rarepairs?) 

[ask-altertale-toriel]

Hey umm sorry if this is bothering you but why aren't you posting I mean it is over a year and you haven't posted. If I miss something please tell me.

Its ok youre not bothering! The reason is simple: I am simply just not crazy interested in undertale anymore, neither is many other people.

The original undertale hype has died down a LOT since 2017. I'm completely fine, I just don't have the same motivation for art as other people. I have ADHD so even drawing the things im CURRENTLY interested in is an effort. So, you can imagine that when it's something im not VERY interested in anymore, and something that doesnt really get much attention either its pretty easy to just forget about it.

I'll definitely draw more at some point, I still do love undertale and it was a really big part of my childhood (newsflash: I'm an adult now, isn't that crazy? I was like 12-13 when I originally made this account...) This account just isn't something I'm currently interested in fixating on at the moment. (my interest in things tend to last for like. only a few days. im so sorry.)

(Also, fyi, this is not an "im done forever im never drawing for this account again!!!" It's just explaining why I post very rarely.)

TLDR; I'm like a blue moon. I post once and then am gone for years but my return is inevitable although always brief. I will draw more undertale eventually but whenever I want to!

(Also my commissions are open lol. just saying.)

[gabelandescrocs]

💕 get to know your mutuals!! when you get this, it means someone wants to know more about you, so list 5 things about yourself you want your followers to know. they can be as simple as your age or as complex as your deepest fear, as long as it’s something you’re comfortable with sharing. when you’re done, send this to 10 people you want to get to know better!! 🥺🌼💕

ooh hi! uuuuh im really bad at talking about myself but i'll try 😂

5 Things About Me:

1) I am very quiet and shy in person. Most of my crazy personality only comes out here on the internet 🙃

2) I graduated as a fine arts student but now I sorta run an online baking business bcs due to the panoramic i have yet to find a proper job lol but I still do art commissions from time to time when the opportunity presents itself (heres my art ig if y'all wanna see what my dumb degree gave me)

3) I used to play soccer in highschool. I became my school's captain for three years until I had to quit to focus on my senior year lol. I wasn't like over the top amazing at it but I won 3 medals i think.

4) I have a slight fixation with hands...? like i love looking at pretty hands and poses and stuff. Like if you look at ballerinas and how they move their hands so fluid i find that really cool. I like to draw hands too when im bored. i swear i know its not a kink

5) I am pan but still a little bit confused. And yes, I know I thirst over dumb white boys on here a lot but thats just me being a fan and hyperfixating on stupid stuff. In reality, I dont really see myself getting into a relationship. My last one was 6 years ago in college and never tried again since 🙃😂 i dont know whats wrong with me but I just view relationships as too emotionally taxing and idk I just dont think I'm up to open myself to anyone like that.

This post feels like it went too long ahsjdjkd but there you go. Thank you so much for sending this to me 💖💖💖 and I hope I havent over shared 😂

[swampgallows]

it’s becoming harder and harder for me to find solace in places. the guilt inside me is becoming heavy. i know that if i want something, i need to make it happen, but i am so exhausted of having to do everything myself. and the things i do get help with i feel grateful, of course, but then so guilty that i’m needing to be helped that it’s incapacitating. i’m just so late in the game to everything. i’m so outside of life and what other people are doing. i’ve always felt that way, though. i’m never gonna snap into place like they want me to. 

i need to pick a career and stuff. i just have to like shot in the dark pick something at this point because there isn’t going to be some divine calling, my pittance from art commissions is not gonna be enough to sustain me (and i dont think i can get to a point where it will), im just so bogged down knowing that everybody is fuckin poor. 

part of me wishes i could wake up and just ‘be normal’. that i could throw away all the weird stupid shit in my life. the trashy little kid bracelets, the clown clothes, the nerdy interests, the ugly monsters (what on earth is an ‘orc’?), the hundreds of heavy and just plain weird records that are sooo boring and irritating and repetitive and loud and obnoxious. all the shit i’ve internalized about stuff i am beyond passionate about, the only fuel that keeps me alive and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. i read once about brain trauma, that someone suffered an injury and when they woke up, all of their interests changed completely. they were a classically-trained musician, iirc, and ended up just selling all of their instruments and getting rid of all their books etc because it had absolutely no value to them anymore. they were completely changed. i dont remember what their new interests became, but... the thought of that has haunted me for over a decade. maybe someone will hit me in the head just right until i wake up and be a normal person who cares about normal, accessible things instead of all this fringe and abrasive fantasy bullshit. what if i woke up one day and became a devout christian? i roll over and my room is foreign to me, along with everything in it, and then i just throw it all away? i start over, stripped clean. tabula rasa. i get good interests instead. relatable adult things, like gourmet food and backpacking. i titter with the girls at the office and wear pencil skirts and focus on landing me a tall dark and handsome. 

the thought of becoming that thing is heartwrenching. painful. but it’s all obvious, of course, why i would ever have that masochistic fantasy of completely disowning my worthless oblong self. a me that isn’t ‘ruined’. 

i went through my kandi stash the other day trying to find all my kandi with bells on it (I could have sworn i had more). and going through a lot of it was a flood of memories. high school, college, raver days. when i was in high school, all by my lonesome, the only candy kid or rave-associated ANYTHING in my 4000+ fellow students, i had to wear a lot of my own kandi. and i did so as a beacon, a lighthouse, hoping that i could be a beaming signal to any other candy kids who might be in hiding. and i got so dizzy and self-consuming with my repressed interest that i became a zealot about it, being extremely rude and elitist about my interests because i felt a need to protect them. i felt the pressure of them looking to be watered down or erased. i was the same with warcraft. 

ten years later i’m not as rude about it, but i feel exactly the same way. in high school i had to wear my own kandi, would have it ripped off of my arms in big fistfuls by those who ostracized me, and had to be tongue-in-cheek and submissive about my passion, my very real and non-ironic DEVOTION to this. thank god on tumblr i can write 4000 word dissertations about garrosh hellscream and some of you crazy fucks actually bother to read it, but sometimes i still feel like that kind of pariah for having a very niche and very specific fixation. 

even people who played warcraft when i was in high school told me i took it too seriously because i roleplayed; and even roleplayers in the game told me i took it too seriously because i didnt want to sit around for 6 hours pretending to drink alcohol and trying to get laid, except as an elf. the fact that i really wanted to discuss the lore and delve into the story and the universe of azeroth, of how it would feel to be in that place, to live that life, ostracized me even from the people who claim to feel the same way. but roleplay was never about focusing on how our veins dont surge anymore as undead, how your digestive organs need to be removed post-undeath so they dont explode and rupture and hang out of your bowels like the abominations in the Undercity, how the undead are technically still the same citizens of Loraderon but are being ousted by their living counterparts in neighboring kingdoms. it was just “haha im a funny dead pirate man and i’m going to womanize 12 blood elf women at once behind all of their backs.”

in trying to become a gabber dj too, i felt like i had to take it upon myself because nobody else plays the music that i like. but alll of these things... it feels like i’m just building a house by myself. i feel like nobody truly, at the core, appreciates the intersection of interests that i have, or can only smile and nod at my fervor but not really understand it. and it’s nobody’s fault, nobody is obligated to feel what i feel. 

i’m glad people enjoy the garrosh posts and art that i make. and i’m glad that my friends make kandi with me now and encourage me to play gabber. i’m happy when i get some really good RP, even if i have to be the one to walk up every time. i’m glad that people want me to “do the thing”. i just feel like... there is no payoff once it’s done. everyone gets glad that it’s finished, and they enjoy it then, but then it dissolves. nobody is invested in it but me.

i know the solution is to be more accessible, but i can’t seem to imagine anything other than swinging the pendulum in the opposite direction. like, all or nothing. either you take all of my german expressionism with the warcraft meta and the rave shit, or you get nothing. i dont know how to dilute myself and that’s part of what was killing me at my job. i felt like a novelty. a doll. but it wasn’t their fault.. they couldnt relate to what i was talking about and passionate about, and it’s not their fault. they liked me because i was well-spoken and funny and a diligent worker, which are all nice and accessible things, but when nobody can cathect with me, really empathize with me, i feel like a jester. a consumable. 

my college roommates would tell me that they loved me because i was so funny. and that’s it. i existed as entertainment, but anything human about me—my passions, my interests, my insights, my memories—meant nothing. even my family will ask me a question and then cut me off in the middle of my sentence, expressing more of just their disbelief or confusion about something than actually seeking information. it’s why i stopped answering customers when they’d ask “how did you dye your hair?” and, like an idiot, i attempted to explain the process to them, thinking they actually wanted to know. but a few words in and their eyes glazed over, probably because they weren’t expecting a “real answer”. i began to accept that any questions directed toward me were closer to passive acknowledgements of me just standing there and existing in their field of vision than any sort of actual desired input from me. it’s like when people ask “how are you?” and you are obligated to say “fine” because it is the rote response. if you actually start talking about how you are doing, you are violating the socially agreed upon script of pleasantries. 

i cant do small talk. i cant do scripts. i dont get it. it doesnt make sense to me. and i think retail killed me because of that. i wasn’t a person. i wasn’t even an NPC. i was just a doll. an actor. a pull-string action figure with 5 fun phrases. i was so wacky and weird with my green hair and my silly bracelets and funny observations. ho ho what fun it is to work here with our personal jester to tell us funny stories about her cuh-razy antics she gets up to!

like how nate said “the craziest thing of someone’s year will be seeing someone play the legend of zelda theme on an accordion at a convention and for us that’s just like a walk down the street”. 

my feet straddle two divergent worlds and i cant pick just one but im about to fall in the crevice.

man i fuckin love ratatouille man. i fuckin love that film. i cant choose between two halves of myself. even when the halves want the other half dead.

i need a liaison. where’s MY linguini????