#im watching a new anime about these assasin dudes who take in this little girl

[the-kneesbees]

is...is it not common for people to know what a trope is...

[the-tendo-blog]

the curious case of cooper Barnes

HD week day 6: appreciating the shit out of the cast

I want to say this is based on a true story but I honestly have no idea

Anyways cooper here is underrated as hell so here’s this shitty and surprisingly raunchy fic about his anime backstory 

"What the fuck, Sean?" Jace asked with confusion.

"No, think about it! Cooper never tells us about his past, so it's totally realistic if he's actually an escaped lab experiment!" Sean replied. "Just look at him!"

Jace looked over at their coworker. We wasn't really doing anything of note, just drinking some soda, and once he finished it he crushed the can with his hand and took a bite out of it, chewing on the metal like gum.

"...okay, I know he's done weird stuff like that, but that doesn't mean he's an escaped lab experiment." The blond said, giving His friend a weird look. Cooper flipped them off and walked away.

"No, listen to me dude, he's done way more than that." Sean said, leaning in close and his voice suddenly a whisper. "Meet me at my house after work. I have something to show you."

Extremely skeptical, jace agreed to do so.

Once he arrived, Sean turned around in his computer room seat like some kind of bad guy in a movie, grinning just like one too.

"Ok, what did you want to show me?" Jace asked, crossing his arms.

Sean tilted his head. "Do you think you're ready?"

"What does that even mean?"

"The things I've found definitely are not for the faint of heart."

"Please, it's cooper barnes. How bad can it be?"

"Worse than you think."

Jace sighed and walked over to the computer. Sean followed him, scooting along on his chair.

the screen had an article titled 'Henry danger: a new nickelodeon gay subtext classic?'

Jace had a confused yet inexplicably surprised look on his face. "Sean, what the hell is this?"

"I know, just look." The young man at the computer said as he scrolled down to a specific line and ran the mouse over it. "Read that."

Jace looked at the small paragraph.

Cooper barnes, shown here, is no stranger to gay things. He starred in a homoerotic film about football players.

"Wait... he starred in WHAT?" Jace shouted in surprise.

"Gay porn, Jace! Cooper did gay porn!" Sean shouted back. Thank god the computer room had thick walls.

"You're joking, right? This article is a joke?"

"Not at all."

"ok, but how do you know that's true? You can't just use one article." Jace replied, clear skepticism in his voice.

"Okay, yeah, but it's not like it's a clickhole article or anything." Sean said, "i do have more evidence, though."

"Oh yeah? What?"

Sean quickly searched up 'cooper barnes gay porn' and got a surprising amount of results, all of them having cooper's name in the title.

"...dude! No way that's real." Jace lied, he believed Sean now, but didn't want to admit it so quickly.

"Do I need to show you pictures, jace?" sean replied, irritated.

"No! No! Absolutely not!" Jace responded. "I don't want to see that shit!"

"Good choice." His friend replied. "I really wish I could unsee that shit."

"Oh god."

"Anyways, cooper also has a lot of other weird suit going on for him." Sean said as he closed the tab and got ready to type something else up.

"And what exactly would that be?"

"When I first found out about the gay porn, I decided to do more research to see if I could find anything else." Sean began. "You'd expect him to have a Wikipedia page like us, right?"

"Yeah..." jace replied, sickened yet curious.

"I looked for it, because surely they'd mention gay porn on his page, right?"

"Yeah..."

"I looked, and he doesn't. Not outside of the Henry danger wiki."

"Bullshit! I know he has one!" Jace suddenly shouted.

"Yeah, in polish!" Sean shouted back.

"Wait, what?"

Sean showed him, And sure enough, there it was.

"This is so weird..."

"And you should go through his IMDB later, it's got a lot of weird shit."

"I believe that."

"Also, i think matthew zhang found out about this first, but cooper also confessed to killing someone in an interview recently." Sean changed the subject a bit.

"Wait, what the hell?" Jace responded, not sure if he should believe him.

"Seriously, let me show you the article he sent me."

Sean pasted a link in the search bar, scrolled for a while, and pointed his mouse at a passage.

"It's the first question of an interview." He replied.

Jace read over the passage which cooper told a suspiciously detailed story of a first date where he took a girl out to make out and do other things in his car before some dude high on meth or something tried to attack them, so cooper tried to fight them and his date ended up killing them, and they dumped the body in a river and left to get food and wash up.

"...oh my god, dude."

"I feel like it actually happened, but he tried to pass it off as a joke." Sean explained. Jace nodded in agreement.

The two boys were about to discuss further, but it was interrupted by Sean's phone ringing.

They looked at the screen. Matthew zhang was calling. Sean picked up the phone and answered, then put it on speaker.

"You're on speaker right now, Matt. Tell us what you found."

"The Pornhub podcast said they're going to have cooper barnes on their show, we need to follow them over and witness him expose himself as an ex-gay porn star." He said through the phone. "I'm headed to your house right now. We're following his car to the place."

Sean hung up and dragged Jace outside, where Matthew pulled up in a surprisingly expensive looking car.

"Hey guys! I had to call an uber!"

"What kind of uber driver has a whip that expensive?" Sean shouted back.

"No time to explain, get in the car both of you!"

Sean and Jace ran in, shut the door and drove off.

"Okay, who's driving us?" Jace responded as they took off.

"Me, asshole." A voice said. Sean looked over at the driver as he followed cooper's car.

Once both hit a red light, the driver turned around to look at them. Jace's jaw dropped.

"POST MALONE?"

"Yeah, stop freaking out. I'm just as invested in this as you are, you know." Post replied, returning to following cooper's car.

"What? Since when do you watch henry danger?"

"I don't. My friend told me about it."

Jace and Sean looked at each other and shrugged.

"By the way, can nobody mention the murder? I don't want whatever KGB shit cooper used to cover his tracks hunting us down because we know too much." Matthew zhang asked them before grabbing the aux cord and turning on some lil toenail music, which resulted in everyone telling him to 'turn that shit off'

After a lot of arguing and conspiracy theories, they finally arrived significantly earlier than cooper did to pornhub studios for the podcast.

"Okay, how do we sneak in? Post is the only one who looks old enough to even be there." Jace asked, still trying to process what was happening.

"I have an idea." Post Malone replied and took two black suits and sunglasses out of the trunk.

"Blond kid and your friend there,"

"Our names are jace and Sean!"

"Jay and sam, get changed in the car, you'll be my secret service agents." Post instructed.

Jace shrugged and crawled back into the car to do so.

"What about me?" Matthew zhang asked.

"You're going to cling to my stomach and we're going to put a shirt over you so I look like some fatass." Post said.

Matt cringed a little, but it was worth the risk to find out the truth about cooper barnes.

Once Jace and Sean were in their disguises, they both climbed out and noticed cooper had arrived.

"Follow that cryptid!" Sean whisper-shouted.

"Dammit, sam." Post Malone replied.

Sean sighed and they followed post inside, a considerable distance behind cooper.

Getting into the building undetected was hard, they had a few close calls as cooper kept looking around warily, in his shitty varsity jacket with the pornhub logo with his last name and the number 69 on the back. None of them could take him seriously wearing that.

But overall, they managed to get in and follow the target undetected.

Once cooper found the podcast room, he entered and shut the door Behind him, allowing the four cryptid hunters to come out from hiding behind the corner.

"You can come out now, matt." Post Malone said, lifting up the second shirt that Matthew zhang fell out of.

"Thank god! It was starting to smell fucking terrible!" Matt cried in relief.

"Hey! It's not my fault they made me use cherry scented lube!" Someone said nearby.

"Nobody was talking to you, asshole." Jace replied.

"Oh..." the person replied and walked off sulking.

After that exchange, everyone put their ear up to the door, trying to hear anything they could, searching for the perfect time to strike.

So far, the podcast was quite strange. Cooper had a lengthy talk about politics with who post Malone insisted was the person running the company's twitter account, and asa Akira, which Jace swore he knew about her only by seeing the pornhub twitter account's shitposts.

Everyone gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"So when do we kick the door down and expose cooper like in a cop movie?" Matt asked everyone.

Jace and Sean simply shrugged. Sean had no idea, and Jace was still not entirely sure if this was happening, if his best friend was actually an ex gay porn star and possible serial killer, or if this was all some weird drug trip or a fever dream.

"Just wait for my countdown." Post replied, listening closer.

"One..." the rapper began. The three child actors got behind him

"Two..."

Jace's heart raced. What if there were bodyguards? What if there were assasins hiding in that room to kill them?

"Three!"

The door was kicked open with a surprising amount of force.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!"

Asa Akira, cooper barnes, and aria, the person behind the pornhub twitter account, all froze and looked at them like deer in headlights.

"you can't hide anymore, cooper! We know everything!" Matt shouted.

"Who are you guys?" Asa Akira said, confused.

"My coworkers... and post Malone...?" Cooper said, tilting his head.

"They look a little young to be in gay porn, did you-"

"Oh, god no! Im not a fucking pedophile, I'm on nickelodeon now!"

"You never said that."

"No seriously! It's called henry danger, I play-"

"We actually don't care, we just wanted to make sure you weren't a child molester or something."

"That's fair."

Cooper turned to look at them, not realizing jace was with the three.

"Okay, first up. Matt, we already knew you were a meme loving fuck so this was probably hilarious to you when you found out about my past." The brunet began.

"Yeah, I'm not going to make fun of you for it though." Matthew zhang replied, awkwardly looking around the room.

"Sean, are you cool with this?" Cooper asked.

Sean nodded. "Yeah, I'm not some asshole who shames people because they did sex work in the past. You do what you have to do, ya know?"

"Thanks bro I almost had to suck dan Schneider's toes for my role as captain man" cooper said once more.

"Wait, what?"

"Nothing."

"Anyways, post Malone, why are you involved with this? Since when did you watch Henry danger?" Cooper asked and tilted his head.

"I don't, Matthew zhang told me and I honestly thought it was hilarious." Post Malone replied. "Also, there's one more person here."

"Whomst?"

"Jace normie."

At least he got my first name right... Jace thought as he ran out to see cooper, feeling extremely mixed emotions.

"Jace! Hi..." cooper started, visibly terrified.

"Cooper seriously, why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Jace suddenly screamed. "I'm having an existential crisis over this!"

"Dude, you were like 14 when I met you, you wouldn't have been able to handle that. I was going to tell you once you turned 18, I'm not tryna fuck tho don't freak out."

"Okay good otherwise I'd be really scared."

The two yelled at each other about morals for a while until jace came to his senses.

"Man fuck this lmao, wanna go get food?"

"Hell Yeah I do"

And so the entire cryptid hunting team, aria, asa akira, And the cryptid himself all went out to get some food, and life was good.