#im working on putting up a long torchwood story in a few days and another shoet story with it so...

[sideways-writes]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Torchwood Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones Characters: Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness's Coat Additional Tags: Jack Harkness' Coat, Fluff, Cuddling & Snuggling, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, No Spoilers, No Plot/Plotless, just fluff, set some point in season 2, Jack Needs a Hug, Jack Harkness gets a hug, Ianto Jones Needs a Hug, and he gets one too obviously

Summary:

In which Ianto and Jack are back from a retrieval at stupid-o'clock in the morning and hugs ensue.

Probably set some time in season 2, no spoilers for anything [for that, i would need a plot]

It turns out Sideways-who-was-writhng-at-half-one-in-the-morning is very willing to project the need for a hug on characters.

[thediaryofalostboyworld]

Where you the one?

On the 16th December 2016, I found out that my fiance and girlfriend of 5 years and 2 months had cheated on me. Once again everything changed. 

In the 18 months after it happened, I’m still try process how I feel about it all. Somedays I wonder if I really loved her, somedays I’m happy it happened, but then somedays I want to break down over the pain and how much that I miss her. 

I did something stupid tonight, I checked her instagram account, the guy she cheated on me with she stayed with for about 9 months, then I found out they broke up and it did make me feel better. But when we split up all contact eventually ended. I did try for us to be friends, but I still loved her and I couldn’t be friends with her while she was with someone else. 

Tonight I looked on her instagram and I saw they still hang out, they’re still friends. Once again I wonder what was so wrong with me? She chose him over me as a lover and as a partner. She didn’t want to stay friends with me, yet she stays friends with him. My mind went into meltdown, I wondered if they still had sex with each other, the thought of them having sex always made me feel sick to my stomach. 

I know deep down, that we weren’t meant to be and shouldn’t be together and I don’t want to be with her, but its like the rejection still haunts me. 

I have real trouble looking back on our relationship at times, part of me feels embarrassed I was with someone like that for so long, I wonder what people must have thought of me and wondered how they really felt about her. But then part of me remembers how lovingly she would look at me and made me feel loved for the first time since my dad got stabbed. 

But what I remember most is the 16th December 2016. The honest truth. 

Things where weird, I knew something was wrong, something lingered in the back of my head, but I wasn’t ready for this. - I can’t keep calling her her for the rest of this story so I’ll name her Judy, which was a name she got called a few times when people miss heard her, which she always would have a meltdown about. 

Judy had started a new job in August, we’d recently moved home from uni and was living close to my parents. I wasn’t working at the time, I was really lost, my grandfather had passed away in September and had deeply disturbed me, but thats a story for another time. 

It was the christmas season and she had been put down to work 5 days a week, it was exhausting for her and this was going to happen for 2 weeks straight. I noticed that she’d come home, shower and go straight to bed. I didn’t really think much of it, but i just assumed she was exhuasted, when she came home I would make her tea and dinner and we still would sing to each other at night. 

We’d started a routine of singing You’re my sunshine to each other at night time before going to sleep, stupid and sappy I know, but after doing it everynight for 3 years, it was weird to go to sleep without doing it. Even when we where miles away we’d either do it over the phone or by text. 

Judy had made friends at work and I was over the moon about it. Judy didn’t have many friends, she didn’t really have any family and all her friends where mine. I was so happy that she was meeting new people and having a little life of her own, it took the pressure off me. She told me she was going out with her work friends one night and was going to stay over her friends she shared lifts with so they could go to work in the morning together. I thought it was a little odd that she would stay with her friend that only lived a mile away from us, but i just assumed they where bonding. 

This whole story happened over a 2 week period. So this night out happened the Friday of week one. I went to the pub with one of my friends and just thought i’d leave her too it, I would send the odd text, but didn’t get much response, she would just text saying “Having a great time, everyone at work is so nice, not much signal here”, which was fair the pub I was in had no signal so I just left her to her night out. 

When I got home I texted her to ask if she was back at her friends, which normal we always checked in with each other before going to bed, just to make sure each other got back safe. But no reply. I texted her the words to you are my sunshine and then sung it at her favrioute teddy, hoping that she just didn’t have signal and somehow my singing would reach her. 

The next morning I woke up at 7, still no reply, so I called her, worried that something had happened to her on the night out. She answered the phone after the 2nd ring in a panic. 

“Are you okay?”

“Ah yeah, im asleep on my friends floor, I’ve got to be quiet”

“Ah okay, are you alright? Didn’t hear from you last night”

“Yeah theres just no signal in her house”

“Ah okay, I’ll let you go, have a good day at work and I’ll see you tonight”

I suddenly thought if theres no signal, how was she talking to me on the phone? I texted her and asked for a picture of her friends horses and I started to worry, but I shrugged it off and just thought I was being stupid. 

I’ve never been a jealous or a paranoid person, I can say that with confidence and I discussed this at length in therapy, I wasn’t. 

I texted her back saying don’t worry about it, because I knew she had to get ready for work. 

I couldn’t pick her up from work that night because I had band practice in our home, so my dad did. When she came home she came in the front room where there was 5 of us rehearsing and hugged me so tight. “I missed you” she said, suddenly all my worries melted, “I missed you too, you need to text back though”. “Well I’m sorry!!” she suddenly changed, she always had a split personality, I didn’t want to cause a scene. “I’m just playing”, she then went up strairs and I got on with band practice. But I didn’t want to be down there, I wanted to be with my future wife. When I came up I wanted to hear about her night out and how work was, but she was asleep, I sang the song to her while she slept and kissed her goodnight. 

This continued till the thursday of week two. That morning she suddenly said she was staying over her friends that night, I suddenly jolted out of bed surprised considering we hadn’t hardly seen each other that past two weeks, she looked at me “What?! I like spending time with her”, her tone filled me with guilt. It must have been so nice for her to have a friend again, so I said it was fine. 

Before she left we kissed really passionatley like we had when we first meet, we hadn’t really kissed like that since we got engaged 9 months before. We texted quite abit during the day and all those fears where more or less gone. But then in the evening, nothing. 

That Friday I told one of my friends I was worried, I said I felt like Judy was becoming distant and I wondered where she really had been the night before. He started to tell me stop being ridiculous and as he said that she phoned.

“Hi, I miss you, can you come get me?”

She told me she’d gone into town with her friend, “erm, aren’t you coming back with them?”.

“No, they’ve already gone”

I thought it was odd, but I was just happy to hear from her. 

“Do you wanna meet and do the Christmas shopping” 

So she got on the bus and we went and bought christmas presents and we where back to normal. We where both big comic book fans, I had been since I was a kind and she seemed to adopt it from me. We bought a comic book dvd ready to watch when we got in. 

But there was still a niggle. 

“Are we okay?”

“What do you mean”

“Ah I don’t know, I’m probably just being stupid, but I worry you’ve gone off me”

“I love you, don’t be silly, why don’t you make us some tea and we’ll watch tv”

I went upstairs to see if she was ready and I saw her wrapping presents. 

“Sorry! Teas ready”

“Its okay I’ve wrapped yours”

 I noticed a torchwood CD. 

“Oh wow, where did you get the cd from?”

“Oh, Dan at work lent it to me”

She’d mentioned Dan before, he was into comics and Dr. Who like us, I thought he sounded cool. But never thought of him twice. 

“Ah cool, okay see you downstairs”

Then I noticed she’d bought a groot toy

“Ah! did you get me that Groot toy for Christmas?”

“Oh no, thats for Dan. He’s got the Rocket one”

Then I noticed she had comics coming out of her bag.

“Did you buy some comics today?”

“No, Dan lent me them”

She wouldn’t look up. I’d just got a new phone, so I had updated my contacts. 

“Do you have *insert names* number? I still haven’t updated my phone babe”

She suddenly grabbed her phone and looked frantically. I remembered suddenly the day before her taking her phone with her to the toliet everywhere. I was never one to spy on her and look through her personal things, but something in my brain snapped. 

She passed me the phone with number on, I instantly went to her texts messages

“Dan: Didn’t want to let go off you earlier 

J: OMG! Yes!” 

That was it. I was right. There was someone else. 

I dropped the phone and asked her what was going on. She instantly denied and just said it was abit of harmless flirting. I broke down I knew she was lying, I knew what had happened. I told her I knew the truth, but she kept lying, saying nothing happened. 

Over the next two hours her story changed. First they where just friends, then she said they had everything in common and just wanted to hang out. Then she admitted she’d stayed over there last night, but not the time before. Nothing happened, they just hung out and drunk green tea. She said she didn’t tell me because I wouldn’t understand. 

I went from angry to devastated to calm back to angry. I can’t remember what I said, but I’m surprised I didn’t have a heart attack, but my heart broke inside. 

Then the truth started. She said they’d kissed, just one peek. Then it went to a full peek. Then I asked her straight.

“Did you kiss him?”

“Yes”

“Did you have sex with him?”

“Yes”

“Did you use protection”

“Yes” 

That was it. Part of me admittedly was revealed. 

Then the truth came. She told me she loved me like a best friend, but no longer a boyfriend, she said she hadn’t been attracted to me for years. 

I asked her bluntly 

“Do you still want to marry me?”

“No”

“Do you still love me?”

“No”

That was that. Then she started crying, I held her in my arms like a baby as she sobbed and said she was sorry. She asked me to punch her, I kissed her, one last time and said goodbye. Asked her to find somewhere else to stay. 

She eventually left and despite my best efforts we broke up from that day. 

And seeing them still together in that picture brings back that feeling, of sitting on the floor and looking at her and my world dying again. The same way as when I sat on my own in that room when my dad was stabbed, my world dyed another time. 

There they where still together, in the lies, and they looked so smug about it. No matter how much I do with my life and how much I’ve achieved since, seeing them makes me feel like the child that I still am. They’re still together and I’m still left singing You’re my sunshine to her teddys. 

But now its time to end the song. I’m done looking at her pictures and caring for someone who obviously stopped caring for me a long time ago. It will take all my strength, but the song is over. 

Peter x 

[streetcornertwoam]

currently watching some different videos of hannah hart and right now watching a livestream thing she did for her book buffering, where she was signing copies and answering questions...fun stuff

ANYWAY...

so...it’s nearing the end of the video, and she read this question from a girl named becca (i’m assuming spelling lmao) from aurora, IL (which if you happen to know anything about me...I live in IL...and that’s only a few hrs away from me) so initially that was like really like ‘oh fun!’

but then...she read then question...

i’m gonna paraphrase it ‘cause i’ve had to pause the video and like...stop for a minute ‘cause shit got real fucking Quick lmao

basically just ‘what advice would you give to someone who has just come to terms with the fact that they’re bisexual and unsure if they’ll ever be able to come out’

like...Holy Fuck

it’s...too real right now lmao

admittedly I probably would have reacted this way regardless of where they live...but the fact that it’s somewhere so fucking near me is just like O.O

...and I mean like...I guess I’d say I’m ‘out’ like on here...but that’s different, ‘cause...no one really knows me on here (or talks to me lbr haha) so y’know...it is different

and like...I still kinda...pause when I’m talking aloud to myself and saying it

I mean...it’s not even been a year since I started thinking ‘i...might be bisexual’

I wish I could remember when the thought like first permeated my head, but I know it was sometime last yr...and probably in like...April-May

...and like the second it came up, I was like ‘DEAL WITH THIS ANOTHER DAY’

and just ignored it basically...and then like every few weeks, it’d kinda pop back up again...and then finally sometime during the summer...I was like...ok...let’s...look at my life and the facts and...think about this

and it still took me a few weeks, thinking about it off and on...but then after actually asking the advice of someone on here (anonymously of course lmao)...that...definitely helped

i still thought about it, but after that...i did feel more confident in saying it and knowing it to be true about myself

like...i’m 26 right now, and in a few weeks i’ll be 27...

it’s hard to change a perception you’ve held of yourself for so goddamn long, but...fuck i was so in denial about things

just a few weeks ago i was thinking about something and i was like ‘christ you should have realized when you were still in fucking high school dude’

but y’know...there were always guys...and y’know...ahaha...i definitely was never popular, i wasn’t and still wouldn’t consider myself an attractive person

so i mean...even the few guys that i went to HS with that i would maybe find attractive were all assholes anyway, so that totally ruined it

and i dated guys...i kissed...a lot of guys lol...like...just a lot

y’know and my last day of HS i started dating this guy i’d known like...since i was fucking 5 dude

and he was the first (and unfortunately so far only) person i’ve had sex with

and we dated for like... 3 1/2 yrs and then...long story short, he became a fucking ass and we broke up

(that’s not really what happened...i was terrible too...i was...yea i was a bad girlfriend...in the...manipulative way i guess i’d say now...i hate saying that...i hate knowing that i was like that...but...he wasn’t great either...we should have broken up long before we did...and i think that was a huge issue for us...but he still did some Fucked Up shit...and it’s been...4 yrs now??? and like...I still can’t think about him or anything without just...yea...i’m still not over it...i’m over him, but the situation? it’s all just so fucked...so like...probably not everything he did was entirely his fault...but...y’know...there were just...he lied about things...a lot...they were little things....but....they were lies nonetheless...and then when i’d days...weeks later find out the truth i’d obviously be Pissed...and then it’d be a big fight, and y’know i’m ‘overreacting’ and ‘this is why i didn’t tell you’ and blah blah blah’ LIKE NO OK...SO...for like...i don’t know...a week or two before I turned 21 I didn’t hear from him AT ALL...like...I had no fucking idea where he was...what he was doing...if we were still together...fucking Nothing...expected to hear from him on my birthday...Nothing...i was obviously initially pissed but I got hella fucking wasted and then it was whatever... and then like...i don’t know...another week or something went by...(i might be remembering this wrong...maybe it was like...a bit before my bday i didn’t...whatever anyway) basically i didn’t hear from him at all for like...2 weeks or some crazy shit and then one night I’m sitting in my room watching Torchwood (yea you bet I fucking remember this...it was the ep where Tosh and Jack go back in time and they meet the real Jack Harkness just fuck my shit up) anyway so I’m watching that and I hear the doorbell ring...and I just instantly Know. I don’t get up, I just keep watching the show...and then I hear a knock at my door...I don’t answer. Knocks keep coming....still don’t answer...(my door is locked but i don’t have a lock on my door...the way the knob is if you like...push it in and turn it it locks) so there’s a tiny little hole on the other side that you can push a very small screwdriver (or the stick of a dum-dum sucker lmao) into and you can unlock the door...so after a few minutes my door opens this way...and it’s Fucking Him...I just...like straight up ignored him and kept watching my show ‘cause like...you don’t talk to me for WEEKS...and then just show the fuck up?? fuck you (at this point we’d been dating for not even 3 yrs) anyway...eventually i have to pause the show and y’know what he fucking tells me? what he’s been doing? before we even started dating he had planned on going into the marines...like he signed some shit saying he was interesting or whatthefuckever i don’t remember what it was anymore...so keep in mind that was like..3 yrs ago almost....says...’so you remember when i was gonna go in the marines’ etc etc etc..basically...they like...got in contact with him (after all this fucking time????) and said that he was now recruited or whatever (i honestly don’t remember what he said...christ it’s been 4-5 yrs now) so he had been in Missouri doing training something or other...and like...i’m immediately fucking Suspicious...and he’s wearing a fucking marines t-shirt and has a lanyard like that’s Proof...and just...eventually it got ‘worked out’ and then it was just like...this thing that was gonna be happening...he was gonna in the next few months be leaving to go do that...and like...there’s even more to the story than just this...but...it’s such a fucking lie right??? but i was so goddamn desperate to keep him...like...that was my problem...i’d had boyfriends before, and like..only one that i would even say was vaguely as serious (and not even really ‘cause y’know...i was like 12 but...the feelings...and it was only for a few months but at the time...that was the most real) anyway...so y’know...first real serious honest to god we’re gonna get married boyfriend...first person i’d ever had sex with...huge thing....huge moment in my life...and...i didn’t want to lose this person...i put up with the most ridiculous shit ‘cause i didn’t want to be fucking alone...i ruined one of the best friendships i ever had ‘cause i never spent time with her...and just...would spend it with him...or wouldn’t hang out just in case i could ever see him (his parents were fucking...omg the actual worst) just..just...so much Bullshit

sorry that’s just all one big long fucking pile of shit right there lmao...if anyone actually reads that then...good on ya, but also im super sorry

so...then at the beginning of 2012...i’m single...and i was a fucking mess...like...he left (btw...not to join the marines...he just...like fucking left the state so y’know...super legit dude) and...i’m still not sure if it’s just...a coincidence or whatever, but like...immediately after that I got So Fucking Sick

like...i had the worst ear ache...like i was crying it hurt so bad, so finally had to go to the doctor...yea the ear infection i thought i had? turns out it was like a fucking terrible case of strep...like Awful...but my throat didn’t even hurt...it was just my ear...so that happened...

and for like...months i didn’t leave the house really...i mostly stayed in my room, i like...barely talked to my parents...it was...hard

and then summer came, and i went to the swim and golf club that my parents own (and which is now closed and i wish they could sell it) and i started hanging out there again...and i made new friends...and it was honestly? like the best summer...it was...so fucking great

there was this lifeguard...and he was just so cute, and I had the Biggest crush on him...but he was like 5-6 yrs younger than me lmao

like...I was so fucking pathetic...you could see the goddamn hearts in my eyes

and one of the reasons that i’m bringing this up is ‘cause...that first summer then...there was this girl that was also a lifeguard that I had ‘known’ sorta ‘cause she had grown up coming to the pool and had been friends with my sister and knew my mom and they were all really close and whatever...but i never really hung out up there so i didn’t know her...anyway...she had like...just come out to everyone as gay...it was a huge... (she was also like...a few yrs younger than me) and anyway...we eventually became like...Really Good friends

like...we talked a lot, and y’know...just hung out and shit...and...hahaha...i remember this one time...she said to me she’d like to just once take me out on a date...like...just a really nice proper date, and blah blah blah...and asked what my mom would think and i kinda laughed and said she probably wouldn’t care and asked if i would and i said ‘yea i definitely would we should!’ and it was just like...we were Cracking Up (we did that a lot....we both had super loud obnoxious laughs) and like...I was seriously really excited about this idea??? like i remember telling TJ (that was the cute lifeguard) Elaina (that’s the gay lifeguard lmao) is gonna take me on a date! like...I had  HUGE smile...and he kinda got wide eyed and was like ‘uhh...what?’ and I was like ‘no no no...just...’ and tried to explain it in such a way that was like...basically i was pulling the ‘no homo’ bullshit...

and i mean even looking back now, I didn’t have a thing for her...I really enjoyed her company, and I thought she was funny and fun to be around, but like...it was never like secret gay crush shit. but the fact that i was So Excited and interested about a girl taking me on a date??? like...fucking Hello Self

and then I got engaged to a few of the lifeguards lmao

...one of which happened to be another girl who I was like...kinda intimated by ‘cause she was just...like real quiet and I didn’t think she’d like me...and then we just started talking one day and got on really well

like...she made me a duct tape ring and everything...i think i still have it somewhere...and again...i don’t think i ever was like ‘fuck i think i really like her’ (but that could be ‘cause like everyone knew that TJ had had a Thing for her for a long time...so it was like...Awkward for me lmao) but she was really nice and very pretty

y’know...i’ve done this a lot throughout my life...which (i think?) it’s a fairly normal thing...but...y’know been ‘engaged’ or ‘married’ to different friends of mine that were girls y’know...and i just...never thought into that much or anything...and i don’t know if that’s ‘cause there really was never any sort of attraction or just because i was just so in denial about things that i just...didn’t let myself think about it...i really don’t know

the first time that i can remember thinking about another girl that i ‘knew’ i was like...18-19...and it was when i was really involved on twitter lol...and i made lots of new friends all over the world and it was honestly one of the best times of my life

...and i remember...lmao...’cause our initial bonding thing was over craig ferguson, and that’s how i was introduced into fanfiction and all that stuff...and i eventually wrote some (absolutely Dreadful) fics...and anyway...one of them...AHAHAHAHHA christ this is embarrassing...

one of them...I uh...wrote about me and this friend of mine...and uh...well...anyone remember the movie Hot Tub Time Machine? yea basically...that’s where i got my idea...we got into a hot tub...went back in time...to...sometime in craig’s past (i fucking wish this wasn’t true...but it so embarrassingly is) and uh...we had sex...the three of us...

....yeaaaaaaa

and like...it was...mainly just...basically we didn’t do much sexual things to/with each other...but we...did kiss at least i remember...and...something else, i can’t remember what lmao...and like...i remember being So Embarrassed writing this thing (she knew all about this btw...i mean I fucking posted it for everyone to see on the website they created for him...i think it’s all still up and if I wanted to i could go and find it but I’m definitely Not doing that) and like...I don’t honestly even know how or WHY i was like ‘I should write about you and I going back in time and having a threesome with Craig Ferguson’ like...i could have made it just me...or just...anyone else...but the fact that it was fucking self insert....with another girl...who was a good friend of mine at the time...

OH YOU KNOW WHAT...I...might have decided to do it ‘cause...ahahhah...she ended up in a dream of mine...her and Craig...and...did we kiss? fuck I don’t remember, but I remember her and Craig in the dream...and kisses were exchanged but I don’t remember with who or whatever...it’s been so many years...anyway

and y’know...she was (still is) a very pretty lady...she was a couple yrs older than me...and we talked a lot about real things...and she gave me advice on things...and, lol...she actually taught me some German words and stuff (she was German herself) and uh...she would like...help me learn how to say things correctly...we never got real far or anything, but it was fun...and I think I was probably...a little bit attracted to her...yea

but...y’know I was again...18-19...I had a boyfriend...it was...there was a lot of New Things

...actually by the time this all happened I was probably at least 20...but still

and then I eventually after a few yrs...was able to be like ‘oh this celebrity lady is really pretty’

‘cause oh yea...i also was that person that was like ‘i can’t say if another girl is pretty/cute/hot/whatever ‘cause that’s gay’ so...sorry about that lmao

and i eventually got over that...and then i was more comfortable with saying so and so is really pretty

and then...Billie Piper happened...oh that beautiful lady

and then it was ‘oh i have a girl crush on billie haha’

and then karen gillan with those ‘legs that go on for miles’ that’s an actual thing I used to say about her All The Fucking Time

i shit you fucking not

but nope...still just a total hetero girl crush....

and there have been various and many others...

(i’m skipping A LOT of other little things that are like ‘dude...you’re at least a bit attracted to girls...you’ve watched videos on youtube of girls hardcore making out and gotten off to it...you were like 15 then dude...accept it’)

so...there’s that

...and loads of other things

wow this...really went off the rails lmao

if anyone fucking reads this whole thing you deserve a goddamn medal ‘cause holy shit is a fuckton of embarrassing shit

but...i honestly feel better getting it off my chest

...i still don’t know if/when i’ll be able to totally come out to my family/people i know in RL as bi but i hope that the day does eventually come...

i had thought the other day about how...i really maybe should wait til my grandma passes ‘cause...well, there’s lot of stuff there (she’s great and i love her so much but she’s very much a church lady and gays go to hell and she’s still sure that my uncle who was gay is there and it’s upsetting to her and etc)

but like...i hate to have to hide this from her, but...i don’t know it’s hard and confusing

which is another reason why I’d like to as I said the other day get a tattoo of a violet on like the inside of my forearm...just..a little something for me that i can look at and know...and then...eventually work on telling people

(funny how i was thinking last yr during coming out month and all that stuff like ‘oh maybe i can do this next yr’ HA! good joke self...that...probably won’t happen)

so yea...anyway it’s probably time that i finally wrap this shit up

seriously if any of you read this...well fucking done, i’m sorry i’m such a mess and type like shit