#imagine me at 6 am bawling my eyes out its so sad

[olegianote]

"You can fulfill your destiny like the champion you are."

Directly inspired by @bloodyscarab 's fic "sharp and regressive"!!! I loved the exploration of their family dynamics aaaghgg it's SO GOOD!!

[newkate]

The Cure

For @teamblueandangry Kandersgiving event - Day 4: AU/Free

AU where the touch of Justice cures Karl permanently. 

(I’m not saying that would have changed the whole plot of DA2 and DAI but yes it would have. I kind of want to write 40K of this but here are the bullet points.)

1.

When they were free and safe, catching their breath on the narrow bed after a messy, shakily desperate reunion, Anders offered to remove the brand from his forehead.

Karl traced the raised ridges of the sunburst with his finger. He’d not seen it in the mirror yet, not since he’d been cured, but he’d already made up his mind.

“No, love, leave it,” he said. “It’s fine. It happened, no point pretending it didn’t. You have plenty of new scars too.”

He ran his hand over the recently healed sword wound over Anders’ heart and leaned in to kiss it.

“Love, my love,” Anders sighed, and then the spirit that had mended Karl’s sundered mind was looking at him from his lover’s eyes, its voice coming from the familiar lips. “They’ll never take another mage. We won’t let them.”

2.

In those half-formed dreams he had, before his dreams were ripped from him altogether, Karl had imagined they’d run away together. They’d hide in some village, never again do magic to avoid any suspicion. They’d have a little farm, a cow and a goat, and they wouldn’t need anything else.

Things were different now. Anders, for all that he still was every bit Karl’s Anders, had become something new: more than human now, indestructible, unstoppable, burning with one purpose: to make this world a just one, a safe one.

And Karl himself was changed, new, bare, tender, like a thin pink skin that’s revealed when a scab comes off.

“I’m just… emotional,” he told Anders’ friend Bethany the next day. She came to visit while Anders saw to his patients, likely because Karl seemed too unstable to leave unsupervised. Even just thinking about that brought him near tears, and he had to bite his lips to stop them from trembling.

Bethany, a sweet little hedge mage half his age, patted his shoulder comfortingly.

“Emotions are good,” she said. “Better than not having any. I was like this all through puberty, I remember. Even now if I hear ‘Andraste’s mabari’ at the wrong time of the month, I’ll bawl my eyes out. But you’ll get used to it. Just cry whenever you need, it really helps.”

He wasn’t going to, would hate for Anders to see him like that. But that same night as soon as they kissed again the tears spilt out, burning and abundant, and Anders held him tight while Karl wept on his shoulder.

“I’m not sad, I’m just - too happy,” he sobbed out, and Anders kissed his hair and said it was all right, and soon it really felt like that.

But, whether he was fine or not, they had work to do.

3.

Samson’s name had been passed around Gallows in whispers, from one trusted friend to another. Before he was given the brand, while he’d still been planning to escape with Anders’ help, Karl had counted on Samson to get them out of Kirkwall, provided they could find the money.

“Apparently, if an escaped mage can’t come up with coin, Samson sends them to some unsavoury people,” he explained. “Some of them could be slavers. We need to make sure this doesn’t happen.”

Anders promised Samson any treatment that could ease the pains of Lyrium withdrawal, Karl promised not to burn him alive, and just like that, Samson was now working for them. Soon he brought them their first mage runaways, Feynriel and Olivia, and Karl had students again. Olivia’s father tipped them about the escaped Starkhaven mages, and with their friends’ help they brought them in, too. They all spent some weeks turning the sewers into a decent enough place to live, for themselves and other refugees. Between them they could provide clean water and safe fire, they could reshape stone and light darkness. They diverted the sewage away from the living spaces, widened the gaps in the rock to let in more light, and began trading their skills and knowledge for food and necessities.

The plan was coming together.

4.

A few weeks later Karl felt strong enough to talk about what had happened to him, and asked Anders to take him back to the chantry. There he prayed before Andraste’s statue for courage and then approached the Grand Cleric and pushed his hood off to show her the brand.

“I am a Harrowed mage,” he said. “I was illegally made Tranquil, against my will, by Ser Alric. With, I suspect, Knight-Commander’s full knowledge and approval.”

“This seems highly unlikely,” she said calmly. “You don’t sound like a Tranquil. Are you sure your brand isn’t a fake, child?”

“I… got better,” he said, already trembling, overcome with anger and frustration. “Will you bring them to justice?”

“The misdeeds of the Templars are the Knight-Commander’s domain. You should speak to her.”

“As I said, I believe she had a hand in this.”

“You seem to be here without templar escort,” she said. “Am I to understand I’m speaking to an escaped apostate? If you wish me to start the investigation and have a chance to take this to trial, you must turn yourself in. That’s the proper way to see the justice done.”

“I’m not going back to the Circle. I’m not safe there. That’s where I was illegally made Tranquil.”

“There’s little I can do on a hearsay from an apostate, I’m afraid.”

He stumbled away from her, weeping in strange, inexplicable, helpless shame, and Anders put his arms around him and led him outside, into the light.

“I want to ask your spirit,” he said when he could speak again. “Can murder be justified? Am I consumed by my anger?”

Anders had killed many templars to save him, Karl knew. He’d killed before, too, in his time with the Wardens. Perhaps even earlier, if he was cornered during his many escapes. But for Karl that would be a new line to cross.

“Justice isn’t vengeance,” Anders said. “It’s not about an eye for an eye. It’s about creating a better world. I believe this particular murder would go a long way toward that goal.”

They ambushed Alric the very next day on his way from the brothel. Karl forced him to his knees and pressed his fingers to Alric’s forehead, and set his brain on fire.

He was ill for days afterwards, unable to keep anything down, his hand sore as if his own fire had harmed him. The catharsis had brought some measure of solace, he supposed.

5.

Hawke was about to head out on his daredevil expedition, and Anders declined to go and leave Karl behind.

“Well, without the Warden and the healer this enterprise just became a lot more dangerous,” Hawke said. “I understand, it’s just that I wanted to take Bethany with me, to make sure the templars don’t snatch her while I’m away. Now I’m not so sure.”

“She can stay with us,” Karl offered, and she did.

While they waited they took her, Merrill, a few Strakhaven mages and Fenris all around Kirkwall, trying to dig deeper into the grizzly matter that was brought to Hawke by Ser Emeric.

“If we are to live free among other free people, we have to do our part in fighting those who use magic for evil,” Karl said. He knew Fenris still had reservations about their little commune, and it seemed important to show him their dedication. Karl’s right palm still itched a little, but he mostly ignored it. Solving this crime would be the comfort he needed. “We know a mage is involved. We will find and stop them.”

They kept digging, and eventually came to the end of their search. The dead murderer’s secret room held some remnants of his horrific experiments, and a shrine to a woman who looked disconcertingly like Bethany’s mother.

“Imagine if this creep met her and became obsessed with her,” Bethany said and turned the portrait to face the wall. “Well, she’s safe now.”

6.

Orsino stared at Karl, fascinated. They’d arranged the meeting in the Darktown, and the old man’s huge eyes were watering, perhaps from the stench, perhaps from the same emotion that had Karl on edge of tears too.

“Unbelievable,” he said again. “Karl, I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you. But this, this is a miracle.”

“It’s a simple enough cure,” Anders said. “I can do it with a single touch, but summoning a spirit isn’t difficult. Anyone can do it. We can cure everyone, and we don’t have to be afraid any longer. The templars have lost their best weapon.”

“This changes everything,” Orsino agreed. “I will make sure the other Circles know. This can not be silenced.”

“I’ll cure everyone I can get my hands on,” Anders said. “Anyone you can send my way. Afterwards we’ll take care of them right here, in this sanctum we’ve built, among our people. We’ll nurture them through their recovery, help them face the horrors they might have been put through. Make sure they heal, the way they’d never be able to if we send them back to Circles. This is what we’ve been working toward.”

“That’s very good,” said Orsino. “A good start. Let me talk to other First Enchanters. I understand you’re overjoyed to be free and together, and you might not be seeing the bigger picture yet.”

7.

Later that year the conclave had voted for separation of the Circles from the Chantry, and the uprisings were on the way. Grand Cleric Elthina left Kirkwall, fearing for her safety. The Nevarran accord was broken, but the Templars and the Seekers both were in disarray, a lot of them opposing the order once the truth of the Rite of Tranquility was known.

The Gallows stood empty, following a swift uprising of mages fully supported by the new Viscount. Dumar had retired to rebuild his relationship with his son, and named Hawke his successor. Hawke, friend of the mages, darling of the nobility after all the favours he’d done for them, a close friend of the new Starkhaven king and even a trusted ally of the Arishok, ruled well and fair, even though there were rumours that his friend Varric did most of the work. Once the Kirkwall mages rebelled, Hawke sent in the city guard to fight on their side. After a short siege, with the mages who’d not escaped by then holding the Gallows and keeping the templars trapped in the courtyard, the templars ran out of lyrium and surrendered.

For a few happy years Karl and Anders lived and worked side by side, teaching the children, curing the Tranquil, building a community that accepted mages as their own. They penned a few papers together arguing for the rights of mages, outlining their ideas for peaceful coexistence.

“What would I do without you,” Anders kept saying. “I swear, without you, without your love, I’d given up a long time ago.”

“I know you too well,” Karl said. “You’d never give up.”

Still, it was good to know he was helping. It was good to be alive, to be able to love, to be loved. His unruly emotions had mostly settled down, except for one: he was still as overcome by tenderness and desire whenever Anders touched him, looked at him, smiled at him. But that they could certainly live with.

There was a call for help from a rebelling Circle, and they gathered a fighting force of battle mages and set off. Halfway into their march the forward scouts brought back an elf in tattered clothing. He seemed weak and confused, he refused to talk, and he was clutching a strange dark orb to his chest.

“Friend,” called Justice to him as soon as he came near. “I know, this is strange. Like you, I didn’t want a body, but you will see, you will understand the beauty of this world. You will love it. I will help you.”

“What?” Karl asked, but Justice only kept beaming at the man, and didn’t explain. Karl could sense the man’s power, though. Definitely a mage, in need of shelter, food, probably healing. “Well, he’s right, anyway. You’re among friends now. You’ll see, we’re good people.”

[richierichandthelosers]

Answer the questions below and tag some blogs to do the same!

I was tagged by @manglecupcake10 who I could’ve sworn I was following but apparently not, but I am now. And thank you for tagging me!!

 GENERAL:

How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life? 2 friends from school that I’ve known long before tumblr

Do you want to change your name? Nope, I don’t like my name but I dont know what I would change it to and honestly the thought of having to change my name on my license and all that shit sounds like too much work

What time did you wake up this morning? At 6 but then I went back to bed and woke up at 11:45am

What were you doing last night? Watching highway through hell on netflix

Is there something you can’t wait for? Spring break, summer, possibly traveling

What’s getting on your nerves right now? My class schedule, tbh I hate the afternoon classes and I like morning classes even though I hate getting up. I feel like Im not wasting the day away when I have morning classes

Do you have a crush on someone? When don’t I have a crush on someone is the real question

What do you like about yourself? I’ve been loving my hair lately, ever since my mom cut it for me.

WANTS:

Kids: None, I’m not a huge fan of kids but Im good with them

Get married: Tbh, idk

Career: Forensic anthropologist and Im actually going to school for that rn so thats cool in my opinion

LASTS:

Last drink: Orange soda

Last meal: Burrito and french fries

Last phone call: My mother

Last text message: With my friend @emptybowlofcreal discussing possibly going to see a play

Last song listened to: Pine point by Pup (highly recommend them 11/10)

Last time you cried: I read a sad imagine on here with Richie the other day and I bawled my eyes out

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend? Yes, Ive made a few new friends who I love dearly

Met someone who changed you? Nope, I haven’t changed a bit

Found out who your true friends were? I’ve never fucked with fake bitches so nope

Found out someone was talking about you? Idk if my ex-roommate was talking about me but Im sure she was, ik for a fact she did at least once

NOW:

Eating: Nothing, Im full as hell

Drinking: Nothing but I got water

Listening: Nothing but Im about to watch highway through hell if that counts

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes? Eyes

Hugs or kisses? Hugs

Nose kisses or neck kisses? I never had my first kiss so idk

Shorter or taller? Taller

Older or younger? Older

Hook up or relationship? Relationship

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: No

Drank liquor: Yes

Lost glasses/contacts: Nope

Sex on first date: Nope

Broken someone’s heart: Possibly, idk tho

Been arrested: Nope

Turned someone down: Not that I can remember

Developed a crush on a friend: I have not

Dated someone twice? Nope

Been cheated on? Thankfully, no

Kissed someone and regretted it? Never kissed anyone

Lost someone special? Yeah and it sucks

Been drunk and thrown up? Nope

Talked to someone with the same name as you? Yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE:

In yourself: Not really no

Miracles: Kind of, it depends

Love at first sight: I want to say yes but its not really love, its more infatuation

Heaven: Yes

Santa: Nah fam

Witchcraft: Yeah to a certain extent

Im tagging @stanleyboii @fandomwhiffler @apartofthelosersclub @reddiesetrichie @reddiebichie (sorry if you’ve been tagged before or did this already!)

[r-o-se]

Produce 101 Season 2 Ep 7 lit lit lit 92 point running commentary 

hey whats up squad fam id link where I watched it but it was like 4 different sources so I’m sorryyyyy message me and ask for them later

1.      They’re jumping right into it and its BTS Spring Day stage all are pastely beige pink and its cute af this is the youngest group on average and has the small Woojin, Kim Youngjin, Kenta, Seonho and Bae Jinyoung

2.      Younjin wants to be center/main vocal eventho hes originally a rapper and I understannd WHY he wants it but to have a rapper as main vocal is…… not clever

3.      Holy shit he actually gets to be the main vocal wow I’m shook as hell

4.      Seokhoon is making angry eyes at him tho and now Woojin is a shitton better at this checkup and gets to be the new center

5.      He has problems hitting the high note though poor baby

6.      Baejy gets praised by BoA and he gets cute and smiley as fuck its adorableeeeee

7.      SEONHO IS PLAYING PIANO IM PROUD OF MY LIL BABY BIRD

8.      Baby Woojin didn’t fully hit the note but he didn’t fully miss ti either so its okkkk

9.      Kenta got literally 0 personal screentime though mnet fucking hates him this boy is a GEM you could make so much clips out of him but nooooooooo

10.   Seonho made kissy faces at the camera and Guanlin cringed so hard it was beautiful

11.   Seonho got first aaaahahahha it’s the piano and the visuals but can we just remember the fact that the kid is only what 15? 16? He’s fuckin SMALL

12.   Now the next stage is N Sync-Pop aka the group with one dancer and a bunch of other professions since they got filled also………… WOODAM IS HERE IM SO FUCKING EMO POOR KID

13.   They also got Sangbin, Jung Jung, Insoo, Kiwon, Jaechan and Woodam obviously. Jung Jung is the only og dancer there

14.   I’m very sad about Woodam but I wanna see others too like please…… I miss Sangbin and Insoo… Show them too they literally choreographed the whole thing and GOT PRAISED FOR IT…. And their teamwork was called the best they had seen IM SO GLAD

15.   But their team is all very low numbers it makes me really really sad ugh

16.   Their clothes are so 90s I LOVE IT HOW CUTE

17.   They all dance so well especially for a group of people who aren’t actually dancers

18.   SANGBINI IS SO GOOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH FUCK

19.   Junghung unzipped his sweater and flipped around OBVIOUSLY

20.   Everyone are clapping in circles aaahahahahah round of applause LITERALLY

21.   Oh my gooooosh WOODAM HAS ASTHMA POOR BABY KID

22.   If Woodam won’t make it I’m going to riot

23.   SANGBIN IS LAST AGAIN LAST HERE AND LAST IN THE GROUP EVALUATION WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT JUSTICE FOR SANGBIN HES A RANK AND INDIVIDUAL TRAINEE AND AN EXCELLENT RAPPER FUCKING VOTE FOR HIM ASSES

24.   NOW ITS TIME FOR A-TOM, EUIWOONG AND MY PINK RAPPER FLUFF WOO JINYOUNGGGGGGGGG THEY ARE DOING

25.   Ajlahlskadf they asked Jinyoung ‘whos the best’ and hes like ahh everyone are good in their own way and they they asked again from Sanggyun and he’s like ‘I’m the best lol’

26.   Wait is this the stage where Ha Minho was…….. because lmao they really did a good job editing him out I’m dead ‘they can’t edit better evil editing isn’t a thing’ MY GUY THEY DELETED A GUY WHO WON A BATTLE!!  WITHOUT IT EVEN BEBING NOTICED IF WE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS THERE!! GODDAMN

27.   Jinyoung is the centerrrrrrrr love my babe but obvi I’m sad for Sanggyun

28.   Also yall Minho won this battle with an Mnet diss

29.   Sanggyun has problems coming up with lyrics poor babe I hope he’s alright OH NO BABY MESSED UP HIS WORDS TWICE

30.   KAKLKFNAWKNN MINHO IS BLURRED OUT ON STAGE WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY

31.    SANGGYUN AND EUIWOONG GOT PRAISEDDDDDDD AND OBVI WOOJY TOO IM SO PROUDDDDD

32.   THEIR STAGE IS SO GOOD THE ENERGY IS SO GOOD WHAT THE FUCK THEY ALL ON FIRE AS FUCK

33.   Cheetah is feeling herself big time

34.   Euiwoong looks so much better here than with the BIL team he looked like a fetus there but rn HES FUCKIN AMAZING

35.   Imagine ranking 4th out of 3 people wow that seems like something that would happen to me lmao poor Euiwoong

36.   A group with no first place how tragic

37.   ITS TIMEEEEEE OFR RHYTHM TA  ok but why choose the same song for two years in a row lol

38.   This team is Gwanghyun, Yoojin and Taewoo

39.   Yoojin hated being a leader back in Be Mine days and now he’s stuck again because Gwanghyun and are submissive fucks

40.   GWANGHYUN IS NERVOUS AND WENT TO ASK JINYOUNG FOR HELP THIS IS SO CUTE AND JINYOUNG BABE GAVE HIM ADVICE INSTEAD OF SENDGIN A RIVAL AWAY

41.   This groups teamwork is seriously amazing I love it so much their dynamic is so amazing

42.   Their energy is so good they sereiously seemed to just fuckin get such a high out of being on stage

43.   Poor Baby Yoojin is last, Taewoo is second and Gwanghyun got first poor baby is crying and the others are cheering him up this is so sweet

44.   BoA Amazing kiss is up next with Dongsu, JELLY HEESEOK WHO I HAVENT SEEN IN WEEKS LOVE YOU BABE DO WELL, Seunghyuk and Gunhee. Gunhee is the leader yet they have problems choosing the center

45.   THEIR VOCALS ARE ALL SO GOOD WHAT THE FUCK GUNHEE IS AMAZING

46.   Heeseok really wants to be center and is being kind of pushy but in the end Gunhee got the center part too

47.   THEIR HARMONIES ARE SO GOOD

48.   AND VOCALS SO STRONG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

49.   Gunhee looks………. So good…….. I cant take it…… with the choker and everything just fuck me upppp

50.   Jahldfhaan gunhee shook his ass on stage while appealing time

51.   Gunhee is bringing up Hyunwoo too goddamn im weakhearted don’t do this to me

52.   Heeseok got last place….. I’m emo as fuck…… fuckin stab me…… My Jellyfish son…. Seunghyuk is third, Dongsu second and Gunheeeeeeeeee is FIRST!!! Proud of my kid

53.   Now its I.O.I Downpour team, Hyunbin, Jisung, Minhyun, Jaehwan and Sungwoon aka ALL THE KIDS I LOVE!!!!

54.   They chose Jisung as leader my babe looks so good with purple hair GOD BLESS

55.   Sungwoon is so pretty godddamnit ‘I’ve heard it often I’m not good enough for main vocal’ I’ll beat up whoever said it

56.   HE IS GIVING UP MAIN VOCAL TO JAEHWAN!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! WHAT AN ANGEL!!!!!!! I’M SHOOK!!!!!

57.   Hyunbin got a lot of hate and I’m very salty over it I love my tall boy very much SAME GOES TO JISUNG!!!! THAT KID HASN’T DONE A SINGLE THING WRONG HE IS SO SWEET AND SO INSPIRING AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH MMO BETTER FUCKING DEBUT HIM WITH THE MMO SQUAD ONCE ITS DONE!!!!!!

58.   Hyunbin messed up a bit and Jisung comforted him poor lil baby I’m so sorry for my tall child and thank you so much Jisung for taking care of my baby kid

59.   Anyways they asked if they can change and having Jaehwan play guitar instead of having the teachers play piano

60.   Minhyun looks so fine in pastel pink fuck me up

61.   Cut to Baekho and Jonghyun lookin like ‘damn right’

62.    JAEHWANS VOICE DOES THINGS TO ME I DIDN’T EVEN SEE ITS HIM BUT WHEN HIS VOICE STARTED I GOT SHIVERS SAME WITH SUNGWOON I LOVE MY POWER VOCAL CHILDREN

63.   Oh my fucking god everyone in the crowd and the other trainees AND HYUNBIN are all bawling

64.   JAEHWANS VOCALS SAVED MY LIFE! FUCKING G O S H THIS IS SO EMOTIONAL I DON’T EVEN KNOW THE LYRICS BUT I FEEL LIKE CRYING

65.   Sakjfbakjsablkfjn Hyunbin and Jisung are holding hands

66.   Hyunbin is 5th and Jisung takes his hand and comforts him a lot and tells him it’s okay this is too precious and Jisung himself is 4th and Sungwoon third, Minhyun second and JAEHWAN FIRST HE DESERVED IT BEST FUCKING VOCALS IN THIS ENTIRE SHOW IF HE WONT MAKE IT I AM RIOTING!!!!!!

67.   Jinwoo ranked super low in vocals……. I’m so fucking sad when will people learn to appreaciate true talent…..

68.   Gunhees mouth can open so wide its amazing honestly also HE GOT OVERALL VOCAL FIRST PLACE IM SO PROUD!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!! BABE!!!!!!!!!! U DESERVED IT U WERE A GREAT CENTER AND LEADER

69.   Now its only the dance teams left starting with Gete Ugly. The subber seems to love him and tbh same bless Danik

70.   Ong is so fuckin funny I love him lmao

71.   It’s Daniels team and he’s like ‘I’m sorry I was a bad leader’ and Ong is like nah fam ALSO FUN FACT REVEALED BY ONG Jonghyun inspired him to be the leader this is so fuckin cuteeeeee

72.   Afnhlna what is going on why are they showing them in the result room before the stage I’m????

73.   This team has all of the alpha bitches like seriously Jihoon, Samuel, Ong, Daniel, Hyungseob are 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th and 6th and then poor baby Park Woojin is 24th.

74.   Awwwwwwwwww the populars are all thinking that Woojin could kill it this is so cute

75.   Danik is the MMO maknae apparently and volunteered and FUCK SUNGWOO JUST SAID JONGHYUN INSPIRED HIM TO BE THE LEADER MY SORRY SORRY AND ONGNIEL HEART CANT TAKE IT

76.   Samuel keeps being eaten up by Jihoon save my boy  those two want center and WOOJIN WANTS TOO!!!!!!! I LOVE WOOJIN!!!!!! PICK HIM!!!!!

77.   AAAAAAHAHAH FUCK SAMUEL JUST SAID THAT HES LIKE A SKINNY DEER NEXT TO JIHOONS TIGER THIS IS THE CUTEST

78.   Jihoon?? Recommended Sameuel now?? FUCK CUTE!!! Poor Woojin tho aw

79.   They are a bit lacking in the dance section though which makes me a bit sad and Danik egets a bit flamed from Kahi since he is the only one who has problems with the choreo

80.   Samuel, Danik and Woojin are all choreographing it but they all have very different styles so it’s a bit hard to learn

81.   Anyways Danik is so cute and he has NICE ASS FUCKIN THIGHS HOLY SHIT  LOOK AT HIM B-BOYING

82.   The whip sound effects are so funny idk why but THEY ARE

83.   Ong and Jihoon are poppingggggggg and its GREATT

84.   Dabbing fuckers I stg

85.   Samuels legs are so thin OH MY GOD DANIEL TWIRLING ON HIS HANDS HOLY SHIT

86.   WHO DID THAT HALF SPLIT WAS IT ONG??? THAT WAS FUCKIN COOL

87.   Hey yall I love Kang Daniel and Park Woojin and I’m not gonna waste my fingers typing out all of the members here BUT I LOVE THEM ALL FUCK

88.   Jihoon did goddamn aegyo on that goddamn stage and Samuel gave half of a heart miss me w that cuteness

89.   Everyone think Samuel won it but goddamn?? No?? He ranked last? How the fuck did that happen I’m literally…… what?? Why on earth? Anyways yall remember when Samuel called his mom and she called him a puppy

90.   DANIK GOT 5TH IM ANGRY!!! AND HE SAID ITS WHAT HE DESERVES!! NO!!!!!

91.   Hyungseob is 4th, Ong is 3rd and Woojin is SUPER NERVOUS AND NOW THEY CUT IT OFF!! FUCK YOU MNET!!

92.   If Taehyun isn’t getting the best dancer I’m going to scream right here right now

93.   Pop got really low votes I’m emo

94.   TAEHYUN WRECKED IT HE IS FIRST!! HE DESERVES IT FUCKIN HELLL HE DOESSSS

95.   Ok cut back to get ugly votes WOOJIN GOT FIRST HE REALLY DID IM SO PROUD HE REALLY DID IY MY FOX BABY HE DESERVED THAT FIRST CENTER PLACE FROM A RANKS AS WELL BUT NOW HES HERE AND BEAT UP!!!!! THE ENTIRE TOP TEN!!! FUCKIN GOD IM PROUD

96.   TAEHYUN STAYED THERE HE REALLY DID WOOOJIN IS 5TH BUT TAEHYUN MADE IT HE IS FIRST HE BEAT ALL OF THE AVENGERS F U C K

97.   Samuel and Daniel are ranking really low…… this is…. This is really sad wow holy shit….Poor children…. To drop from second to second to last??? Poor kid

98.   Anyways the golden trio is now Gunhee, Jonghyun and Taehyun I am satisfied and have no objections to that

Good night yall buy nuest albums theyyre good for your health also happy debut to ace and merry comebacks to map6, ikon, got7, knk, b.i.g,, 24k and anyone else that I forgot

[vegils]

im... a sucker 4 surveys hey!!!

1: What is your name and does it mean anything?

marinella, someone told me it means “traveller” but i highly doubt that i like the break down of my name more marina, meaning “of the sea” and ella for “guiding light”

2: How long have you known your best friend? 

my best friend sweetlana!!! been my good friend!!! for 7 DANG YEARS!!! 

3: What position do you normally sleep in? 

i sleep in fetal/yearning position and i think the description of the personalities that sleep in fetal/yearning position is very accurate

4: Were you a part of any “clique” in high school?

mmm i hung out with a lot of different people in high school i went through several cliques in the span of my four years i hung out with “popular” people, artsy groups, anime nerds, and drama people

5: Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why? 

my biggest inspiration was my speech and drama teacher!! i love u miss macuha!!! one time i was crying about her leaving and she grabbed me by the shoulders and told me to never back down and keep doing what i’m doing and that some day i’ll be a great performer and i bawled on her lap she’s an angel and to this day her words still haunt me!! i never felt the reward a teacher reaped from seeing a student reach their full potential

6: Do you wish to travel a lot?

because im so young i do think about travelling a lot but it makes me sad to think about never being able to travel and i have gone to places but i wish i could see other grander countries i never had the opportunity to see

7: Did you participate in any sports while in school?

um...... i played badminton lmao 

8: Show a sample of your handwriting:

how tho

9: Have you ever given blood?

apparently if ur anemic or have history of anemia then u can’t donate blood which makes me sad if i could i would!!!

10: Do you like the way that you grew up?

besides all the fun i had i wish i grew up more confident i am a very doubtful person and i grew up in a pretty hostile home and it felt very scattered and broken to me and i just wish those situations were different, other than that i think i am lucky to grow up ok

11: Do you like your siblings? Why or why not?

i like all of my sisters but they can get very frustrating at times i think we stand better now than we did as kids

12: How did you meet your best friend and why did you become friends?

i met sweetlana on the strokes tumblr tinychat back when they had a roaring fandom and we discovered that we’re both from chicago and we’d talk about silly things and we lost touch for a while but then we reconnected and she’s so darling!!! she would show me her paintings of the blues brothers and we’d talk about our hopes and wishes and now i realize we’ve been doing that for 7 years!!! all we do is exchange selfies and drawings and fantasize about crushes !!!i love her! i can’t imagine not knowing her and never meeting her!

13: Name one movie that made you cry.

my girl.......... shit dude

14: Do you prefer to read poetry, write poetry, or neither?

i’m not poetic but i like to HEAR poetry i love hearing the delivery 

15: Things about someone that you find attractive?

i love people who are kind and thoughtful which is rly generic i also love the funny it doesn’t even have to be calculated jokes it can just be the way you said something or a facial expression i like people who manage to share a language with me that can’t be figured out by other people i think having a connection to a person where you can read each others minds can b creepy but also cool cuz u hang out w them so often that you can basically understand each other without much effort 

16: What song are you currently listening to now?

year of the rabbit by eskimeaux

17: Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how?

nope 

18: A random memory from you childhood:

going to chinatown and racing to the chinese zodiac signs and climbing up the stairs with my sisters, getting sponge cake and walking around the old sanrio store pointing out what i want

19: Where did you grow up? chicago 

20: What was the last thing you watched on tv?

lmao we’re watching 13RW and its not for everyone but i read the book and im v invested

21: Do you think you’d make a good parent?

really!! hope id be! i mean i am cool with or without having kids but i want to be a good parent

22: Would you like to meet any of your Tumblr friends in person?

i already met some of my tumblr friends!! i met sweetlana and coney!!! i would like to meet @iamonmy-way when will i meet u!!! 

22: What was the last dream you remember having?

my phone was hacked and it looked like internet explorer on my iphone and my cousin tried to retrieve back to normal by playing against my hacker on a boss battle level of mario

23: When is your birthday?

june 2 :---)

24: How many pillows do you sleep with? 

2 and 1 reading pillow ^_^

25: Do you wear glasses? If so, how long have you been wearing glasses?

i’ve been wearing eye glasses since i was 6 and i’m 21 now so u do the math bud

26: What color is your hair?

black/brown

27: Name 5 facts about your appearance:

ive been told i have a nice complexion, small mouth, chubby cheeks, small hands and long torso

28: What is your favorite soda?

cream.. soda... i need to go to Hell

29: What is a strange talent that you have?

reading peoples moods online lmao 

30: How’s the weather right now?

a cool and calming evening 

31: Why did one of your friendships end?

this question makes me sad lmao

32: Who do you miss right now?

oops i can’t reveal who or what or when but i am missing someone

33: Why did your last relationship end?

because i realized i don’t like them that much and that i don’t understand dating I AM A VERY CONFUSED PERSON when i reflect on dating i realize i hate it so much but also crave it but when i have it i’m very repulsed

34: Are you still figuring out who you are? 

yes!!! i am frustrated at myself because i don’t know who i am or what i want and i feel like it has set me back so much that i’m stagnant 

35: Have you ever been admitted to a hospital? Why? 

ya i had dengue fever and it was probably the most concerned i’ve seen my parents with me

36: What is your favorite restaurant?

pastaria!!! in st louis!! it’s so good!

37: What is word that you always seem to spell wrong?

privilege 

38: Would ever adopt kids?

not against the idea of adopting children!!! 

39: What is your favorite kind of pizza?

i like spinach on my pizza

40: What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

why is it so dreadful to find yourself in bed with a whole day ahead of you

41: When was the last time you got really really happy and why? 

um!!! my crush!!! k*rt !!! when we played the game!! and they were teasing and attacking me during the game! ah!!! 

42: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?

defo dinuguan (pigs blood stew)!! i dont recommend!! i just dip my puto in the sauce and call it a day! not a laman fan! 

43: How do you start a conversation?

i tell them something embarrassing that’s also relateable and revealing and hope they find me somebody to be comfortable around!!!

44: What’s a band you’ve been obsessed with lately?

i hate answering this....... but joji........

45: Do you come from a family “of money?”

nah dude

46: Do you have a bucket list?

i think that’s what my life was missing tbh

47: What is your favorite series of books?

i don’t know i haven’t read a series of books in quite a long time i think i pretended to like percy jackson in high school lmao and i was such a nerd for hunger games but i don’t think anything could replace my deepest love for series of unfortunate events, the boxcar children, judy moody, and horrible harry! ooh! and amelia bedelia!!!

48: When was the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt?

i laughed rly hard last night cause patrick was so invested in 13 reasons why and my sister n i kept asking 4 justice 4 zach dempsey and patrick threw a pillow at me for saying that what zach did was severe in hannah’s eyes

49: Where do you go when you’re sad?

i slip into bed and silently cry or if i don’t need that i cry in the shower ahhh how pathetic

50: 5 random facts about yourself:

i actually am rly good at acting and i don’t think anybody but high school and college ppl know this, i’m painfully shy, i don’t like mayo!! all of my goldfish in the past have all been named variations of “Freddy” and !!! i am rly good at stitch (from disney’s lilo and stitch) impressions

[trustmsfox]

The First Six Months

Wow. My little dude is 6 months old. Half a year. 26 weeks. It feels like a bit of a landmark moment so I guess I should record some of the highs and lows that we have been through along the way. When I was pregnant people said things like "Having a baby eh? It's the hardest job you'll ever do" and "It's amazing but so tough." Personally I think those comments are misleading as it's not the hardness or the toughness of the last 6 months that has taken me aback, it's the INTENSITY. If you ask me, having a baby is one of the most intense things you can ever do (I've never climbed a really tall mountain, run a marathon or lived by myself in a foreign country, so I can't compare). It's a relentless, 24 hours a day, overwhelming, always-on, rollercoaster of ALL THE FEELS. I've never felt so many things, from one extreme to another, in such a short space of time. Allow me to elaborate... I'll keep it to the top 10 feels, in the interests of time.

1. Happy

Pure unadulterated joy; I'm not even sure those three words do this feeling justice. The first time I felt this was when my son was born. I may have been drugged up to the eyeballs (well, technically up to the armpits actually as I had an emergency C section) but that moment is burned into my brain and my retina forever. "He's coming out now" the doctor said, I looked at my husband and burst into tears. All those months of worrying and waiting and lugging around my giant distended body... our baby was finally here. There was a second's pause, which felt like an eternity, and then we heard a good healthy cry. I don't think I've ever heard a better sound. It actually brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. "It's a boy!" my husband said (we had decided to keep the sex a surprise) and I blubbed even harder. I would have been happy whether it was a boy or a girl, but the joy of finally finding out the secret our baby had been keeping all along was just magical. Then suddenly our brand new baby boy was placed on my chest and all I could think was "Oh my god he's massive!" I kissed his nose and felt like I had known him all my life. For that moment I will be eternally grateful, as I know not everyone feels like this when their child is born, for a variety of reasons (hormones are a bitch). Unfortunately I then realised I needed to throw up and spent the next 20 minutes doing that, whilst my husband did the fun stuff like cutting the cord and cuddling our brand new baby.

2. Anxious

So much anxiety, for so many reasons. It comes and goes like a shitty nit picky irritating Auntie who keeps "popping in" for a cuppa, uninvited. How much is he supposed to nap? Is he napping enough, too much, how do I get him to sleep??? If I go to Tesco will he wake up? Is he breathing? I know I just checked, but is he still breathing? Will the cat sleep on his head? Will I roll over and crush him in my sleep? Will I fall down the stairs carrying him? Is he still alive (nearly every time I drove for more than 5 minutes with him in the car)? Should I give him calpol? If I give him formula will he be ok? Did I sterilise those bottles already or shall I put them on again? If I drink this glass of wine will it go into my breast milk? What if a I find a spider in his cot? I haven't texted a bunch of people back - will they still be my friends? Will I ever lose this baby weight? I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. Most of this is totally irrational, but that's just how it goes when you're not getting regular good amounts of deep sleep or REM. It's a fucker.

3. Amazed

The "firsts" really are incredible, but for me the truly amazing thing is how quickly these new skills become normal and then you're onto something new. One minute you're pulling out all the stops to try and get a little smile, next minute you're tickling the b'jesus out of them and they are giggling so deliciously you think you might combust. One minute you're watching them struggle and kick and desperately try to roll over, the next minute you're thinking "Fuck, I need a stair gate, this kid is about to crawl!" One minute you're cursing that sodding creaky floorboard, as you gently place them back in their Moses basket and creep back into bed, the next minute they're in their own room and when you put them down for the night you actually miss them (I’m aware that’s utterly ridiculous but it happens every night!)

4. Helpless

I had this a lot and the feeling intensified particularly after my son developed THE SCREAM. I think THE SCREAM is probably worthy of its own blog post, so I won't go into all the detail, but suffice it to say my son is capable of an eardrum-bursting, blood-curdling, terrifying, horror movie scream that sounds like a piglet being tortured to death. At his 16 week jabs, when he really got into his stride with it, the nurse looked at me and said "I've never heard a baby make a sound like that", which made me feel a bit better as she makes babies cry for a living. My son has other cries, which I can just about cope with, but once he developed THE SCREAM it meant that all other cries could escalate into THE SCREAM at any given moment. I lived in permanent fear of it. Sometimes unfortunately I'd be in a position where I couldn't fix the problem. For instance, being late for a feed whilst being stuck in traffic in the car, or mis-timing a pushchair nap and having to run around trying to get ready to leave the house while listening to him wailing. I can't count the amount of times I felt trapped, helpless and overwhelmed when all I ever tried to do was anticipate his needs to avoid a screaming fit, got it wrong and he did it anyway. Then of course there were times when he just shouted at me for what seemed like no reason at all; they were equally as fun.

5. Exhausted

I once said to my husband "My soul is tired" and it quickly became a running joke because it sounded so melodramatic, but I still honestly think it's the only way I've ever come close to describing the exhaustion I have experienced. It's not like normal tiredness because there's never a Saturday lie in or an early night on the horizon to catch up. There is no catching up. You just have to adapt to running on 15% battery, unless of course you're gifted a sleepy baby, and even then I still think looking after them all day long is pretty goddamn knackering anyway.

6. Love

In one of my darkest times, on the phone to a counselling service, I was asked "How do you feel towards your baby?" I know I was being asked the red flag questions for post-natal depression but my answer came from the heart: "I love my son so much it terrifies me." I think that's a fairly good summation of how intense the feelings can be. Initially you love a little pink squawky thing, which is kind of like the love you have for a pet, because it’s cute. Then, as time goes on, it grows into love for an actual little person, who has their own personality and feelings and stuff. This kind of love is like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, because I love someone who is growing and changing every day, right in front of my eyes. It takes your breath away.

7. Overwhelmed

Every now and then I have these moments where this feeling bubbles up inside of me and I just hit a wall of overwhelmed-ness, if there is such a thing. It usually follows an episode of my little guy bawling his eyes out, or busting out THE SCREAM, but sometimes it just appears out of the blue, triggered by something really small that reminds me how co-dependent my son and I are right now. I am a super independent person, didn’t have a baby until well into my 30s and I’m basically running the show by myself day to day as we don’t have family nearby, so I think this is one of the things I struggle with the most. When you can’t take a shit in peace, when you can’t just get yourself a glass of water, when you can’t hang up the washing, when you can’t leave the house without seven tonnes of shit, when sometimes you can’t even leave the house, it can just feel so immensely overwhelming that you don’t know what to do with yourself. But then it passes, you get your act together and you get on with it, because that’s the way it is.

8. Relief

"He's asleep." These two words are the source of the most immeasurable amount of relief. Whether it’s naps or nighttime, there are weeks and weeks where the sleep is just so hard-won. The feeling of sheer relief when you see their little eyes flutter closed and their arms flop back behind their head is just unreal. For some moments, there might be some peace for both of you, and that is a thing to be enjoyed... while it lasts!

9. Unqualified

The responsibility of it all. Jesus Christ! This feeling is behind the moments I've had where I've just wanted to hand my son to a stranger, not because I didn’t love him or want him, but because I just didn’t know what he wanted and I desperately wanted someone else to tell me what to do. You can read all the books in the world, do an NCT course, talk to your friends with kids, but no one can tell you how your kid works. They don’t come with a manual and I’m still utterly astounded by how completely different they can be, right out of the proverbial box.

10. Smooshy

I don't really know how to describe this one, but it's like when you see a dog with big sad eyes, or a fluffy bunny, or a baby's chubby cheeks, and the cuteness of them bubbles up inside you and you want to bite them and squeeze them and you find yourself doing that baby voice and shouting "Yes you are!" You've all felt that at some point, right? Yes? It's not just me? Oh thank god. Anyway, yes, that. Sometimes when I look at my little boy, I just think he is so goddamn cute I just want to nibble his cheeks and kiss him from head to toe. Gah!!!!

So yeah, the first 6 months have been fairly rollercoaster-y, but much as the real lows have been lonely dark horrible places, the highs have been higher than I ever could imagined. They’ve been these incredible eye-popping, heart-busting, breath-stealing, stomachs-fluttering moments that I will treasure for as long as I live. If the lows were the price I paid for the highs, then they were worth it a million times over.

[feralmyth]

Tag Meme Thing

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20

tagged by: @ontaan​ (ur a monster)

I tag: @lovitello @gansieboy​ @lucicatcat​ @king--gay​ @moosiest-moose​ (ik we dont really know each other but,,,) i cant think of anyone else,,,,,,,,,

the last

1. drink: Water,,, boring

2. phone call: @king--gay​ the monster, he called me at 1 am

3. text message: @lovitello​ “Okay me.. Too”

4. song you listened to: Rivers And Roads by The Head & the Heart

5. time you cried: a coupla nights ago?

6. dated someone twice: uh no. I’ve been in 1 relationship, with my lovely boyf @lovitello​

7. kissed someone and regretted it: nahh

8. been cheated on: never

9. lost someone special: uhhhhhh,,,,, my bfs cat Peekaboo,, he was a good boy,,

10. been depressed: always and forever

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: mnnnope never

3 favorite colors

12. Navy Blue

13. Pastel Pink

14. Red

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: Yee i.e. @king--gay​

16. fallen out of love: no, never. I love my boy to the moon and back

17. laughed until you cried: uhhh yes definitely. ask Matt

18. found out someone was talking about you: mmmnooo?? i doubt id ever find out

19. met someone who changed you: mmm not that i know of

20. found out who your friends are: uhh y e s???

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: uh my bf and my bff

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: uh the vast majority of them

23. do you have any pets: a cat named Gizmo! special boy

24. do you want to change your name: Yes from my birth name to Caide.

25. what did you do for your last birthday: had a sleep over in which we had a watergun fight that dyed our shirts and we ate shish kabobs

26. what time did you wake up: yikes uhhh? 11ish?

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: tryna fall asleep but also lookin at insta and tumblr

28. name something you can’t wait for: transitioning and living with matt

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: less than 30 minutes ago

31. what are you listening to right now: Imagine Dragons, Believer

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: uhh yeah my boyfs dick dad

33. something that is getting on your nerves: anti shippers and aphobes atm

34. most visited website: Tumblr definitely

35. hair colour: dark brown

36. long or short hair: shorttt

37. do you have a crush on someone: yes

celebrity? Nope

Fictional? uhhh Takashi Shirogane (the m o s t), Hunk Garrett, Lars Barriga, Shinji Ikari, Todoroki Shouto. So... Yes

Real life? Yes my bf

38. what do you like about yourself: myyy nose and uhh.. nothin else tbh,,,

39. piercings: one in each ear

40. blood type: I... have 0 clue.

41. nickname: my boyfriend calls me dumbass (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿) jk but uh im like team dad and my friends occasionally refer to me as dad/papa/etc. Or Daddy jokingly (Except @king--gay who p much exclusively calls me Daddy)

42. relationship status: In a v committed relationship i love Matt v much

43. zodiac: Leo

44. pronouns: he/him

45. favourite tv show: Voltron: Legendary Defender; Teen Wolf; FMAB; BNHA

46. tattoos: none yet but my dad has prepaid for one for me and my bf designed it a few years ago, so its just a matter of when I go back to my birth town with my dad

47. right or left handed: right

48. surgery: an appendectomy like 3 years ago

50. sport: Nonnee but I wanna get swole so bad yo

51. vacation: Last one was to a cabin in kentucky where we hiked all day for 3 days straight, it was actually p fun

52. pair of trainers: uhhh like. sneakers??? cause i mean ive got some vans but,,,

more general

53. eating: nothin rn but i love food,, pizza, beef stroganoff on rice, potstickers, rice, steak, burgers, panko breaded chicken, strawberry rhubarb pie,,,,,,,,,,,, mmmmm,,,,,,,,,

54. drinking: nada rn.

55. i’m about to: do some art maybe, or watch smthn, or die

56. waiting for: dinner

57. want: my bf to come back over im ssooo needyyyyy

58. get married: yes.

59. career: animator hopefully

which is better

60. hugs or kisses: mmmboth, but i love the way hugs make me feel

61. lips or eyes: mmboth? eyes are,, gud,,,

62. shorter or taller: mmm both again

63. older or younger: older? idk i prefer it

64. nice arms or nice stomach: bothhh,,, buttt i love soffft tums

65. hook up or relationship:  relationship

66. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker,,

have you ever

67. kissed a stranger: no.

68. drank hard liquor: nope

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: uh sunglasses yes

70. turned someone down: i yeah i guess??

71. sex on the first date: uhhhh thats a no for me

72. broken someone’s heart: possibly? there was a boy who was crushin on me when I was a kid, and he was alot younger than me, and i didnt take him srsly when he told me and I was an ass,,, I still regret being so jerky back then but we r on good terms now? 

73. had your heart broken: mmnooo? not that i remember,,

74. been arrested: mnope

75. cried when someone died: yeah im quick to cry always. When i was like 3 or 4 a fam member I’d never met passed away and we went to her funeral and i bawled my eyes out and my mom asked me “Why are you crying? you didnt know her kiddo” and I said “Because there are people here who loved her and they are sad”.. also I was close to this cousin I had and she was sick and passed away and that was super painful. Annnnd uhhh My stepdads mom passed away a few years ago,,, i didnt go see her before she died cause i was more concerned with myself,,, my mom told me she cried because I didnt see her and that,,, hurts,,,,,,, also anytime an animal dies. I have alot of feelings.

76. fallen for a friend: hhhhahahaha yep definitely my boyf used to be my bff

do you believe in

77. yourself: not really

78. miracles: yeet

79. love at first sight: uhh a little

80. santa claus: nah m8

81. kiss on the first date: if both people want to. 

82. angels: a little? like the basic concept. but not really @ the same time,,,,,

other

84. eye colour: brown

85. favourite movie: uhhhggjlj Spider-man: Homecoming and uhhh Power Rangers 2017 and uhhhhhh The newest Godzilla,,,,

[stitchedhart]

I’ve been meaning to write my grief journal since that day i lost my husband. I did want to document every pain I’ve felt with his passing. But attempting it every time is just like stabbing my own heart with a double edged knife. I didn’t have the courage to do it then. Every time i rewind the events before and after his death i bawl my eyes out in tears. Sadness succumb my whole being..so much that it hurts i wanted to die in an instant. Everyone says I’m strong..that I’ll be fine in no time..but damn, i think im a big coward. I was afraid to accept the fact that my husband has gone too soon. I was afraid to face the realities after his death. I was afraid to think about the future. And most of all i was afraid to think that my children will grow up without a father. My fears are bigger now than ever before, not for myself but for my children. They are just too young to be fatherless. Too innocent to understand the hullabaloos of life. I am not ready for this, neither my children or anybody else. Its all too sudden..too soon!

Face it. Feel it. Deal with it. Be strong. You can do it. Move on. Forgive and forget. Get a new life.

It’s always easier said than done. It’s true that the longer you allow your self to be lonely and feeling the pain over a loss, a defeat or failure makes you a weak person. But it’s not bad to be weak sometimes. I think its a measure of how you become stronger! How far you can go or how you live by the pain and hurt. However, how do you know if you are ready to tell your story and people want to hear it over and over. Most likely it is the hardest and most intense part of the grief journey… Keep telling your story and find safe places where you have permission to grieve without pressure.

After my husband’s death, i really didn’t want to think or to talk to anyone about it, how it feels..how pain is eating every fiber of my being.. i just wanted to be alone..i just wanted to sleep, sleep and sleep! The longer the better, saves me from feeling the most arduous feeling ever. It was my way of coping up. I didn’t want to think about all the happenings from way back when he was still alive neither do i want to think of the present. Least, to think of the future without him in the picture anymore.

Whenever someone asks me how are you, are you ok?! It weighs me down more, because I don’t have an answer, i dont know if there’s an answer to that question in my grieving state. There are these moments when i feel nothing, theres a void in my being that no one can fill it up.

Empty. Hollow.

photo ctto @destinyblue

I hope that the people around me understand that I didn’t choose to feel empty. And people who feel empty inside would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. At least I’d have an answer everytime people would ask me if im ok.

I hope everyone understands that saying “Don’t be sad.” will only make me want to cry more. I hope they get to know that healing is hard to do. I hope they’d understand that maybe a hug or a “Soon, it will all be well” will do.

But I keep telling myself that like all other times, that this too will pass ..maybe soon. Someday.

But still..

I think about him constantly. Every fucking day and night. From the moment my eyes open in the morning till it closes at night. I even want him to be in my dreams.

I wonder what life would be like if he is still alive. I imagine all of the things he’d say on a daily basis. Over the phone, Skype or Facebook messenger. I imagine all the nagging he does during wee hours when he sees me still online.

I miss him all the time. I miss him so much that my heart hurts. My heart literally clenches tightly when I think about him, i could hardly breath. As though it’s trying to hold itself together while my thoughts try and tear it apart.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds but, it seems as though time just provided me with needle and thread that ill have to sew back the broken pieces and it rips again every time i am hurt and shatters into fragments.

photo ctto @destinyblue

I know he’d hate it, but I still cry for him. (he hates crying). I still sit up at night and wish that he’s still having a nice time with his friends drinking and having a little party in our backyard. I wish he’s alive and be in bed at home with our children. I wish I’d still wake each morning to his “good morning maydarling” and sleep with his “goodnight baket” along with all the heart stickers and virtual hugs and kisses he sends over facebook chat. I still talk to him in my mind and ask him for advice everytime im confuse. I still talk to his photo and gets angry for leaving me and our children that soon. And for leaving me mountains of unanswered questions.

I can’t help but want him alive, nagging, furious, hard headed or sweet. I cant help but want him in all his shape and shades. Life has moved on but my heart and emotions haven’t. I can’t move on from all the good memories..from all that he was.. I miss him badly. I usually stay up late at night until the wee hours reminiscing the good old days…browsing my photo gallery for all the photos ive saved for the last few years ive been away from them. I keep looking at all the happy photos we had when im on my annual R&R. It sends tears to my eyes and brings loneliness to my broken heart. I go to slumber with a heavy heart.

I need him but he’s gone and he won’t never come back. His memory is all I have left. So, I’ll keep it alive and never make it fade.

I will carry him in my heart wherever I go in life. I will ask God to have him as my guardian angel and ask Him to send him in my dreams every time i sleep.. if that’s what it takes to keep him with me.

I know that he is up there watching over me and our children. I know he looks down and keeps guard over us..as he used to do when he was still alive.

I can only hope that I’m making him proud. With the way ive handled things when he left. With the way i love our children even from miles away. With the way i became strong and independent. I can only hope that I’m what he imagined I’d be in life. I can only hope that he’s smiling at me and not up there shaking his head with his half grin half annoyed face and the infamous “tsk! tsk!”

I won’t hope that he misses me as much as I miss him, because missing him is painful. I wish i am kissing him right now instead of missing him! Because if only missing someone could kill, i should have been long decaying 6 feet below the ground.

I luvUmuch Lakay.

And I miss you more each day….