#imagine seeing your son who dwarfs you physically and is named after the kid who bullied you in childhood

[sciderman]

today i learned that nathan summers is actually named after a kid who bullied cyclops in childhood

his mom really did say "fuck you scott. im going to name your child after your childhood bully. fuck you."

[fandom-blackhole]

Fanfiction Trope MASH-UP

Din Djarin

53. Mutual pining, 41. First kiss, 6. Bookshop AU 👀

Hope this is enough of a distraction! ❤

First of all, how dare you make me think of how cute this little AU is, because now I'm yearning for modern Din and Grogu! Second, yes darling, this is going to distract me all night lmao

53. Mutual pining

41. First kiss

6. Bookshop AU

Din Djarin x Reader

Owning your own little bookshop had its pros and cons. Some of the cons, to name a few, was worrying about making enough to keep the store open, dealing with angry people when you shop didn't carry the book they wanted, the building you were in was old and leaked every time it rained, and just the entire business side of the bookstore bored you and made your anxiety raise just thinking about it. But the pros, those more then made up for the stress of counting each penny in order to order stock. And those pros came in the form of your two favorite customers, a young boy, always dressed in the cutest green frog sweater and his father who took your breath the first time he walked into you small store. Din Djarin was handsome in a way that was devastating. Not only was he physically handsome, with brown eyes that screamed of kindness, broad shoulders and a narrow waist, hands big enough to dwarf any book in your store, and scruff that was so patchy you couldn't help but find it cute, but Din was also handsome in the way that he acted, the way he would gently talk to his son as they picked out books or as he sat in the reading nook and read to Grogu, the way he would always ask about your day, how when he saw you struggling with boxes on more than one occasion he had stepped in and moved them for you not letting you lift another box. Din was sweet and kind to you, and with every small smile he gave you, you thought your heart would burst from your chest. And his son, Grogu, was obviously in the best hands. The boy was just as polite as his father, and just as devastatingly cute. The young boy, who you always joked about being your best customer, always ran into the store with an excites wave and a smile, and almost always ran and gave you the biggest hug he could. On occasion, the little cutie would bring you a present to add to a shelf you had cleared just for him. The presents were what you'd expect a kid to give, a dandelion, a colorful leaf, a shiny rock, and once a piece of candy that Din explained he had cried over for days after seeing it before Din went and bought it for him. You cared deeply for the two, and they brightened your weeks with each visit they made.

One week, it had been raining and storming every single day with no reprieve. You had all but written off seeing the two, knowing they always walked to your shop, but there you were shocked when a tiny frog rainbooted blur came dashing towards you and wrapped your legs in a hug, quickly followed by a hushed stern voice saying, "Stop it kid, you're gonna get them all wet!"

You could only giggle and lean down to give him a proper hug, looking over towards Din, saying, "If getting wet is the price I pay for my favorite and best customer's hug, then I'll gladly take it."

Din only shook his head and gave you his small smile, making you bite the inside of your lip feeling the rush of warmth in your chest and face. The two then disappeared into the children's section, you occasionally hearing Grogu's giggle, or Din's quiet rumbling voice, making you grin as you walked around organizing shelves. Eventually, you got lost in thought, humming quietly to yourself as you worked. You hadn't noticed the set of eyes watching you, and you barely caught the throat being cleared before you bumped into what you could have almost mistaken for a bookshelf with how solid it was. When you turned to look up, eyes wide and already apologizing, you found Din's soft eyes looking at you. Din took no time brushing your apology to the side, before furrowed his brows and saying, "There is a bucket full of water in the middle of the children's section."

You sighed painfully and nodded, before turning back to your work to both somewhat distract yourself from the way his eyes were boring into you, and to keep you hands busy from nervous fidgeting, as you said, "Yeah...it leaks back there whenever it rains super hard. I just... I havent been able to get it fixed yet."

Then Din shocked you completely, he grabbed your hand, stilling it and making you look into those soulful eyes before whispering, "I can fix that."

You had tried to argue with him, telling him you'd get to it eventually and making up reason why he shouldn't, but each time he shot you down, until he was paying for the stack of books Grogu had grabbed and he had set up a weekend day he could come over to do the job.

When the weekend finally came around, it was hot and muggy from all of the rain, and Din had shown up with everything he needed, and Grogu, who you agreed to watch while he worked, the least you could do considering he was trying to work without payment. But Din had also shown up in a white t-shirt that hugged his chest and showed off his softer middle, and jeans that fit right in all of the right places, and you couldn't help but feel your mouth go dry. You had closed the store for the day, and had made a lunch for the three of you the night before, so while Din made quick work with the roof, you and Grogu played games and read books in the little reading nook. Eventually, he got hungry so you let him eat, and shortly after he dozed off looking through a hidden images book. With a smile, you tucked him gently into a more comfortable position and draped a soft quilt around his shoulder. When you turned around though your heart stopped and you felt heat rush to your face. While you had been distraction, Din had snuck into the store and watched with an aching heart as you took care of his son, falling for the soft and loving smile that graced your features as you did. When you turned around completely, you took in his form, and felt a pang of guilt with how red his face was from working in the sun, but also a pang of something else entirely as your eyes soaked in the way Din's sweat shirt clung to his chest, leaving nothing to your imagination and how his hair curled so perfectly from the dampness of sweat and the humidity.

"I finished," his soft rumble broke you from you ogling, and the heat in your face spread to your chest as you cleared your throat. "Come sit down then, I made food last night and I imagine you're hungry so eat, and I will go get you some ice water to cool off."

You rushed away, as Din checked on Grogu before settling on the floor, and reaching for the plate that was on the coffee table. You appeared seconds later, setting a glass in front of him, before sitting beside him, grabbing your own plate.

"Sorry it isn't anything fancy, but I thought that the ravioli would be something Grogu and you both may like."

"It is perfect, thank you."

The two of you ate in silence after that, both of you stealing glances at the other while they weren't looking. When you finished, you took the plates and set them aside before shyly saying, "Thank you again, Din. You have helped me so much with this favor, and if I can repay you in anyway just tell me."

"It was nothing, and you owe me nothing, I promise."

You looked over at him, a soft and kind smile showing on your face, "I feel bad not doing anything for you or paying you. There has to be something?"

Din was quiet for a few minutes, his eyes taking in your earnest and open body language, taking in how your own eyes danced around his form, and before he could think twice about it, he said, "There is one thing..."

"Anything, you only have to ask."

Din took in how perked up you were, leaning towards him in the small space that separated the two of you. Taking a deep breath for courage, Din leaned in himself, and whispered, hot breath ghosting over your face, "A kiss?"

You swallowed thickly in shock, and met his gaze, finding no teasing look, only want so soft you thought you'd melt, so you replied by softly nodding and slowly drifting your eyes shut. Then you felt it, a soft brush of plush lips against your own, before they connected fully. The kiss was quick, and loving, and you followed his lips as he pulled away. Slowly, you both looked at eachother, taking in the other's reaction, before reaching out again. You buried one of your hands in Din's sinfully soft curls, as one of his broad palms cupped your cheek. This kiss was more passionate, but not pushing. The two of you finally just enjoying the feel of the other. The kiss expressed so much love and passion that it had you addicted and never wanting to pull away. But eventually the two of you needed to leave the other for air, and as your chests both heaved slightly, Din whispered while his forehead pressed against yours, "I also wouldn't say no to a date."

Send Me Tropes

[arofili]

Innumerable Stars 2021 Letter

Hello lovely creator, thanks for writing for me in Innumerable Stars 2020! I’m very excited and grateful for whatever you create for me <3

This letter will restate my DNWs, list my likes, give you a brief rundown of my canon preferences, and then dive into specific prompts for each of my requests. I’ll warn you upfront that I tend to ramble, so feel free to skip prompts that don’t interest you and/or use ctrl+F to search for whatever it is you want to write for. I’ve named each of my requests based on the basic idea within it, so hopefully that will be helpful for you!

~

Housekeeping

DNWs:

non-con/dub-con

ABO (heat fic is fine)

food involved in sex

abusive/neglectful parenting (especially not with Fëanor; Eöl is the only exception, but even then don’t dwell on it)

sibling incest and parent-child incest (cousin incest is fine)

unhappy/unhopeful endings (unless requested)

jealousy

possessiveness EXCEPT with Russingon, for some reason I love it with those two

cheating

character or ship bashing

hanahaki or any scenario where unrequited love is physically damaging

soulmates, especially soulmate AUs BUT soul bonds are excellent as long as there is an element of choice involved

unrequested modern AU

non-trans mpreg

if you are writing a slash ship where the characters are/were married to/involved with someone outside of the ship in canon, please don’t have the character(s) hate their spouse or not have been actually in love with them. The only exception to this is Finrod; I’m fine with him and Amárië not having been actually in love, but don’t do this for anyone else, especially not Fëanor.

Hobbit/LOTR-specific DNWs:

the concept of a dwarven “One”

any Fíli pairing, even in reference

Alfrid

Legolas or Gimli paired with anyone other than each other

mortals dying super quickly in Valinor

unrequested smut

Silm-specific DNWs:

evil/irredeemable/incel Maeglin

Elwing bashing

Fëanorian bashing

over-the-top Fëanorian apologism (they did bad stuff; it was at least partially their fault. you don’t have to address that, necessarily, but don’t rewrite the story to claim they were blameless)

Fingon with a wife

Fingon or Maedhros ships that don’t take Russingon into account (polyamory, an open relationship, Mae with someone after Finno dies or vice versa for an AU, them with other people while they’re separated on the Ice/in Angband - all of these scenarios are fine, but in the end I need them to be with each other first and foremost)

dark!Maedhros

elvish re-embodiment after death being an actual, literal rebirth that requires the characters to have a second childhood; I much prefer them being granted a new hröa in their prime (feel free to explore what “in their prime” means, though, especially wrt scarred and disabled elves)

~

Likes:

queer headcanons, especially aromantic-spectrum headcanons & trans/nonbinary headcanons

trans/nonbinary pregnancy and parenthood

found family

queerplatonic relationships

kidfic

angst with a happy ending

gray morality

explorations of magic

most tropes

fanon and fandom tropes

deconstruction/inversion of fanon and fandom tropes

secret relationships

secret kids (especially secret peredhil)

giving ships OC kids

confessions of love

first times

hurt/comfort

redemption, forgiveness, mercy

ironic foreshadowing

canon divergence AUs and X Lives AUs

fairy tale AUs

politics and scheming

resolving conflicting canonical details

names fitting the time period (Quenya names in Valinor, please; if this is difficult for you, that’s okay, no pressure, but I do strongly prefer it)

choice of character names having a lot of thought put behind them (does the character go back to their original Quenya name upon rebirth? or do they keep their Sindarin name? or come up with something else entirely? do they hate their new Sindarin name and resent having to use it, or do they embrace it? As long as you put some thought into it, I’m sure I’ll like whatever you decide!)

author’s notes where you explain your thought process, if you want; I love hearing how the story took shape!

~

Preferences re: canon:

LaCE compliance is always completely optional. If you do want to include it, that’s great, but if you just want the characters to fuck without having that be an issue, go for it. I love explorations of LaCE that take into account the exceptions, boundaries, definitions, etc; I also love takes that emphasize that they are Laws and Customs, not biological imperatives.

I’m not picky about my Amrod deaths. He can die at either Losgar or Sirion (or, hell, some other time/place if you make it interesting enough!), whatever works best for the story. I do like Lightly Toasted Amrod, aka he almost burns to death at Losgar but survives/gets rescued at the last minute.

Gil-galad theories are all very fun. Please don’t make him the son of Fingon and a wife; if he’s Fingon’s son, I want Maedhros to be involved at least a little bit (adoption or trans mpreg are both fine in this scenario). Otherwise, I don’t have a particular preference, though if it’s not really relevant I usually default to the son of Orodreth (who is in turn the son of Angrod).

Honestly, when it comes to theories and headcanons, my rule of thumb is “convince me”! I’m down for whatever, for the most part, as long as you can justify it :)

~~~

LOTR Books Request

Gigolas tags: Gimli, Legolas, Group: Gimli & Legolas, Group: Gimli/Legolas, Group: Gimli/Legolas & Glóin, Group: Gimli/Legolas & Thranduil, Group: Legolas & Aragorn & Gimli, Group: Glóin & Thranduil, Original Dwarf of Aglarond, Original Elf of Ithilien Suggested worldbuilding tags: Battle of Dale, Differences in Elvish & Dwarvish Histories, Fall of Dol Guldur, Interspecies Relationships, Queerplatonic Relationships, Rebuilding of Ithilien

All Gigolas is good Gigolas, and you can quote me on that - but I do have a soft spot for queerplatonic Gigolas, and I might die of happiness if you wrote me some :) I love elf/dwarf relationships, and cultural differences leading to miscommunication is one of my favorite tropes for this ship.

For the “& Thranduil” and “& Glóin” I’d love to see some “telling the family” scenarios, with Thranduil and Glóin coming to terms with their sons’ relationship. For “& Aragorn” I was imagining a Three (or Four, if you want to keep Boromir alive!) Hunters situation with Aragorn third wheeling them (and/or commiserating with Boromir about how terrible their friends are at expressing their feelings).

I’m very interested in Legolas and Gimli’s new homes post-War, how much time they spent visiting each other and how much time they spent apart, etc. I would love to see an outside POV of Gigolas, what their friends and subordinates think of this odd couple; perhaps an elf of Ithilien and a dwarf of Aglarond strike up a friendship and gossip about their lords! I’d also be interested in Gimli and Legolas visiting their original homes, meeting one another’s parents, and helping rebuild after the Battle of Dale / Fall of Dol Guldur.

I would also love to see an exploration of dwarf/elf relationships and the difficulties that would arise from that. Legolas’ father is a Sinda of Doriath who remembers the Battle of the Thousand Caves, and I headcanon that Gimli’s mother is descended from the dwarves of Nogrod who were involved in that debacle, so them coming to terms with that difficult history (and how that history differs) between their peoples would be really interesting.

~

Gildor Inglorion

...okay, so this is technically a Silm request dressed up as a LOTR request, but I would really love to see an exploration of Gildor’s origins! I have a few concepts for how he can be  “of the House of Finarfin,” mostly relating to this Inglor figure who is his father. I think Inglor was either the son of Finrod and trans!Bëor (and thus the first peredhel) or the son of Aegnor and Andreth; either way, he was raised mostly by Finrod. But who is Inglor’s spouse/Gildor’s other parent? (Edrahil, maybe?) How did Gildor survive the Fall of Nargothrond, or was he born afterwards? Where did he live in the Third Age? Who was awaiting him when he arrived in Aman?

~

Took Fairy Wife

I think this concept is fascinating, and I’d love to hear the story of a hobbit/elf romance! Perhaps Pippin or Frodo tell this story to the Fellowship? I also have the headcanon that since Durin I “woke alone,” his spouse was also an elf, so maybe Gimli could throw in that legend as well.

~

Group: Last Prince of Cardolan/Lady of the Blue Brooch Suggested worldbuilding tags: Barrow-downs and Barrow-wights, Necromancy and Hauntings, Sentient Weapons & Jewelry

I’ve recently become a little bit obsessed with the concept of the Last Prince and the Lady of the Blue Brooch being star-crossed lovers. We have conflicting accounts of the Last Prince’s demise, and I’d love to see those reconciled into one story; we also know that the Prince was buried in the barrow-downs, where the Lady’s blue brooch was found. How did that end up there - was it a token she gave to him before his death? Did she visit his grave after it was too late? How did Tom and Goldberry know her? Maybe they are the ones to tell this story to some hobbitish traveler through the Old Forest... I do have my own version of this story, if you’d like to borrow some ideas from there, but feel free to make up your own thing too!

~

Group: Eldarion/Elboron

I just think they’re cute :) I like the idea that Eldarion’s heir is not his own child, but the child of one of his sisters, and that Elboron had a sister who was the parent of Barahir of Ithilien, so these two can be gay together. Of course, you could also make one of them trans and have Eldarion’s heir and Barahir be siblings! Or you can explore the beginnings of their relationship - just a cute get-together story would be wonderful.

~

Worldbuilding: Arwen reforged Narsil

This is such a neat concept - I would love to see Fëanorian Arwen (bc Kidnap Dads) going full smith mode and personally reforging Narsil into Andúril for her boyfriend. Arwen embracing her dual kinship as both the descendant of Lúthien and the descendant of Maedhros and Maglor would be amazing (especially if Maglor is hanging around in Rivendell). Bonus points if Narsil used to be Maedhros’ sword, and that’s how it got passed down to Elros!

~~~

Hobbit Movies Request

Kiliel tags: Fíli, Kíli, Tauriel, Group: Fíli & Kíli, Group: Kíli/Tauriel, Group: Kíli/Tauriel & Fíli Suggested worldbuilding tags: Almost Everyone Lives AU, Kíli's Runestone, Worldbuilding: Tauriel goes to Erebor AU

I’m a basic bitch when it comes to Kiliel stuff: give me fluff, give me angst with a mostly-happy ending, give me Fíli being exasperated by his brother’s romantic drama! I would be interested in an AU where Thorin dies but Fíli and Kíli survive, and King Fíli has to deal with Kíli’s love life causing political problems; I’d also love to see an AU where Tauriel goes to Erebor with Kíli, Fíli, Bofur, and Óin after the lakeshore scene. And anything surrounding the magic of Kíli’s runestone would be very welcome - perhaps it really was cursed/enchanted, and by giving it to Tauriel, Kíli lost the protection Dís had placed upon him and passed it to her. What if Tauriel had returned it before the end - would Kíli have lived, and she died? Or, in a canon scenario (in this case, full angst is welcome) what if Tauriel and Dís met and talked about the stone and its properties?

~

Hilda Bianca

I just think she’s neat. I’d love to see her getting involved in the politics of a rebuilt Dale, either collaborating with or causing problems for Bard. Her being a mentor figure for Sigrid and Tilda would also be great.

~~~

Book of Lost Tales Request

Group: Ómar & Salmar

Ómar Amillo and Salmar Lirillo were brothers in early stages of the Legendarium - I would love to see that explored in a more Slim-compliant verse, where they are both Maiar. Ómar could be a Maia of Ulmo, like Salmar is, or a Maia of some other Vala. Music and water are intrinsically connected in Arda’s makeup, so Ómar as a being of song and Salmar as a being of water would be really cool to see explored somehow!

~

Meril-i-Turinqi

Another really neat character!! I headcanon that she is the child of a grandson of Olwë and a granddaughter of Ingwë. How did she rise to power on Tol Eressëa? What are her relationships with her great-grandfathers? Is she friends with other influential elf-women - perhaps Elenwë or Amárië or Galadriel?

~~~

Silm Requests Russingon Request

Russingon tags: Maedhros, Fingon, Group: Fingon/Maedhros, Original Character from Himring, Group: Fingon/Finrod/Maedhros Suggested worldbuilding tags: Elven Gender Constructs, Hair and customs/kinks around it, LaCE as a social construct, Melotorni & Meletheldi, Onnalúmë

Russingon is my OTP, I just love them a lot!! I adore both plot-heavy explorations of their characters and relationship and more slice-of-life fluff/angst/porn stuff without any particular story behind it. If I need comfort fic this pairing is my go-to, and I’d love to have more of that to come back to. PWP would be welcome; plot is also excellent and I’m sure to enjoy that too. I’m always a sucker for falling in love / confessions of love / first times, but ESPECIALLY for Russingon; the beginning of their love story is something I’ll never get tired of. Established relationship, reunions (after the Ice/Angband or after time spent apart in Hithlum/Himring or after leaving the Halls or another scenario) are also amazing. The secret relationship aspect of this ship is very fun, both keeping things secret and having their secret come to light. If you wanted to invert that trope, though, I would definitely enjoy that; something like a fake dating AU or an arranged marriage AU or a situation where they get pregnant and have to tell people. It would also be great to see them trying (and failing) to keep their relationship a secret while they are in Beleriand - outsider POV from a resident of Himring would be great here! I like scenarios where they’re married, and I like scenarios where they’re not married, whichever floats your boat will be excellent. Honestly, I’m likely to enjoy almost any Russingon content you write; I just… *clenches fist* love them… If you wanted to explore a queerplatonic interpretation of them that would be really cool, but I do love love love romantic/sexual Russingon and would be overjoyed to have any content about them! In my DNW I mentioned that I don’t like the concept of soulmates (for Aro Reasons) so please steer clear of that, but having Mae and Finno choose each other over and over again and that affecting their soul bond/mental connection might just bring me to tears ;-;

I adore Fingon on his own - he’s brave and valiant and good-hearted and deserved better ;-; If you wanted to write a Fingon-focused story that touches on his time as a prince or a king or adjusting to re-embodied life in Valinor or his relationships with people other than Maedhros, I am sure to love that.

Maedhros is probably my favorite character in the Silm. I love his character arc, the fire symbolism, his trauma and recovery, his relationship with his brothers and his cousins, his time helping Maglor care for Elrond and Elros - really all of his story. For this exchange I’d rather not receive a fic focused on his time in Angband or his death; I can enjoy fics about that, but I’m looking for something a bit happier here. Art of Maedhros in those situations would be okay.

When it comes to throwing Finrod into the mix with Russingon, what I’m really looking for is some smut, tbh. Maedhros and Fingon are ridiculously in love, and Finrod is a bit of a hoe, and I can’t believe there wasn’t at least one time they had a threesome. Finrod getting fucked by both of them at once would be excellent. Finrod is canonically friendly with the Fëanorians in Beleriand and goes hunting with Maglor and Maedhros, maybe this is a time where it’s Fingon instead of Maglor and they fuck in the woods, or Maedhros and Fingon visit Nargothrond, or Maedhros and Finrod visit Barad Eithel, or Fingon and Finrod visit Himring. Is this a planned encounter? Something spontaneous? Is Finrod seducing them both, or are they inviting him in? Did Maedhros and Finrod have a fling in Valinor, or did Finrod and Fingon find comfort together on the Ice, or both? I’d love to see where you take this!

When it comes to the worldbuilding tags, I’d love to see an exploration of gender and sexuality in relation to Russingon. I adore trans depictions of both Maedhros and Fingon, so that would be extremely welcome - you can also explore how elvish gender concepts differ from our understanding of gender and transness (I mused about that a bit in this post, along with thoughts on elvish naming traditions, if you’re looking for inspiration). LaCE is such a tricky topic, and I would definitely be interested in Mae and Finno experimenting sexually and discovering what is and isn’t biological about those concepts, and what is actually a cultural construct the elves have adhered to over time. Hair customs (what braids mean, hair coverings, etc) are really interesting - and a GREAT opportunity to include some hair kink! I mean, Finno has those gold braids and Mae’s name “Russandol” refers to his hair, I bet they are into each other’s hair.

Regarding the concept of melotorni, I can easily see that as either gay-coding or queerplatonic love; I’d love to see either or both those options explored with Russingon. (As for meletheldi, I mean, if you wanted to make them girls I would be super down for that too. I’m okay with genderbending, though I do prefer trans/nb headcanons, and I definitely don’t want them genderbent to be “straight.”) And as for Onnalúmë - well, that’s just heat fic, isn’t it? ;)

The bottom line for Russingon is that I Love Them and they love each other, and for this request I’d love PWP, fluff, hurt/comfort, falling in love, getting together, reunion, established relationship - really almost anything with them would absolutely make my day!

~

Russingon & kids tags: Gil-galad, Erien, Group: Erien & Gil-galad, Group: Fingon/Maedhros & Erien, Group: Fingon/Maedhros & Erien & Gil-galad, Group: Fingon/Maedhros & Gil-galad, Group: Erien & Faniel Suggested worldbuilding tags: Elven Naming Traditions, improbable parentages for Gil-Galad

The only thing I love more than Russingon is Russingon with KIDS!! I’m a sucker for Russingon as the fathers of Gil-galad, and recently I’ve decided to adopt Erien, a discarded daughter of Fingon, into my personal canon as a Russingon daughter. Exploring either Gil or Erien’s relationship with their dads would be wonderful - and, if they exist in the same universe, their relationship with each other!! (I recently wrote a novel-length fic about Erien being Tauriel, if you’d like to borrow some concepts from there, but that’s certainly not my “usual” interpretation of either of them so feel free to make up your own Erien origin story too!) I was very excited to see that someone else nominated an Erien relationship - Erien and Faniel is a great concept! I usually headcanon Faniel as the daughter of Findis and Elemmírë and the younger sister of Glorfindel, but if you have a different origin story for her that would be really neat as well. Discarded Finwëan daughters ftw! Russingon having kids would be a great place to explore elven naming traditions, how gay elves would name their kids (two father-names??), and maybe the Fëanorian tradition of -finwë names :p I definitely selected the “improbable parentages for Gil-galad” with trans!Russingon in mind, but if you’ve got another situation (that one fic where Finrod, Fingon, and Maedhros do Weird Science with a Maia comes to mind...), be my guest.

~

Kidnap Dads tags: Elrond, Group: Elrond & Elros, Group: Elrond & Gil-galad, Group: Maglor & Maedhros & Elrond & Elros Suggested worldbuilding tags: Choice of the Peredhil

I threw in Kidnap Dads into this request as well :) I firmly believe this relationship was, in the end, mostly a positive one despite the rocky beginning - I don’t want to see E&E hating M&M, and I also don’t want to see them resenting their birth parents either (however, their bio parents interacting with their foster parents in awkward/humorous situations would be great). Fluff would be wonderful, but some post-WoW angst would be welcome as well. Elrond and Gil-galad Russingonion considering each other brothers because of their shared father Maedhros is a favorite headcanon of mine! I really would love to see a focus on Maedhros and the E twins; Maglor can of course be involved, but I’m more interested in Maedhros as a character.

Some possible scenarios: an official adoption ceremony, cultural differences, M&M giving E&E some more names / teaching them Quenya, sharing traditions, Maedhros teaching the twins some skill (cooking? swordfighting? embroidery?), the twins being Weird (either because they’re part human or part Maia) and M&M learning to deal with that, Elrond reuniting with Maedhros in Valinor, Elrond getting adopted by M&M’s spouses (Maglor’s spouse and/or Fingon), AU where Maedhros lives and is around for E&E’s later lives

Exploring the Choice of the Peredhil would also be great. How did being raised with M&M affect E&E’s decisions when it came to their Choices of kindred? Were there any Men in the remnants of the Fëanorian host, and did that affect their Choices? 

And since this is technically under the umbrella of the Russingon request, of course Maedhros telling E&E about his husband would be amazing. (And quite probably heartbreaking, too...)

~~~

Maeglin Request

Reminder that I am not at all interested in irredeemable/evil Maeglin; I am a known Maeglin sympathizer and I will not apologize for that.

Maeglin & Fëanorians tags: Maeglin, Group: Dwarves & Maeglin, Group: Caranthir & Dwarves & Maeglin, Group: Maeglin & Fëanorians Suggested worldbuilding tags: Cross-Species Mentorships, Differences between Dwarf craft and Elf craft, Elven magic and art and technology, Maeglin Adopted by Fëanorians AU

I would adore an AU where Maeglin is adopted by the Fëanorians!! Maybe Maeglin escapes to Himring instead of Gondolin after his capture, and Maedhros helps him deal with Angband trauma? (I know that doesn’t really make sense timeline wise, you figure out the details, lmao. Maybe it’s actually taking place in Ossiriand, idk, or the timelines get moved around.) Otherwise, I’d love to see a younger Maeglin interacting with the Three Cs and dwarves!! A focus on craft and smithing would be wonderful, in that scenario.

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Maeglin in Gondolin tags: Turgon, Group: Anairë & Maeglin, Group: Fingolfin & Maeglin, Group: Eärendil & Maeglin, Group: Idril & Maeglin, Group: Idril/Maeglin/Tuor, Group: Maeglin & Rôg Suggested worldbuilding tags: Metal Dragons

I think Maeglin’s relationship with emotionally repressed Turgon was difficult because of miscommunication, but they did love and care for one another. A version of events where Idril and Maeglin were friends before she found out about his feelings for her, or where they can work through that, would be really interesting to read. I love the idea of Maeglin begrudgingly coming to love Eärendil even though he’s Tuor’s child; I think that Eärendil’s mithril coat was made by Maeglin as a precaution against himself and the curse Morgoth placed upon him (I also think this is the origin of Bilbo’s mithril coat). Rôg is usually depicted as an Angband escapee; him noticing something wrong with Maeglin and figuring out about his capture would be a great story. Idril/Maeglin/Tuor is a great concept, especially Maeglin being upset about Idril and Tuor’s marriage because he’s in love with both of them - a threesome where finally gets what he wants (and some consensual rough treatment??) would be excellent. Also, some post-reembodiment fic where Maeglin gets to meet his grandparents would be amazing!! As for the metal dragons, some focus on Maeglin’s craft combined with the magics of Sauron and Morgoth would be really interesting. I would prefer if it Maeglin’s time in Angband was Pretty Bad (though I’d rather not have torture depicted on the page), and show him struggling with the excitement of being able to bring these incredible creations to life versus the knowledge that Sauron and Morogth can and will abuse him to get what they want. I’m not particularly interested in a sympathetic portrayal of Sauron and Morgoth.

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Maeglin, Túrin, and Tyelpë tags: Túrin, Group: Celebrimbor/Maeglin, Group: Turin & Anglachel, Group: Maeglin & Anguirel, Group: Maeglin/Túrin Suggested worldbuilding tags: Bedazzling as a love language, Celebrimbor forging Gurthang, Sentient Weapons & Jewelry

OKAY so Maeglin/Turin is my rarepair OTP and I would absolutely die of happiness if you wrote this ship! For this request I’m envisioning a scenario where Maeglin goes to Nargothrond and that’s where he encounters Túrin. I’m also interested in Maeglin/Tyelpe, so throwing him into the mix would be fabulous. One of my favorite aspects of this ship is Maeglin and Túrin’s connections to Anguirel and Anglachel, so having them bond over that (maybe a literal bond...like a soul bond or something???? enforced by the semi-sentient swords??) would be excellent. I definitely believe Celebrimbor was the one to reforge Anglachel into Gurthang, so that could be a way of getting him involved. (Him ~bedazzling~ the sword as a way of flirting with Túrin would be hilarious; or just smiths bedazzling their creations to impress each other in general, lmao.) It’s also quite likely that in this scenario that Maeglin arrived in Nargothrond with Celegorm, Curufin, and Celebrimbor (and possibly Aredhel, though I was kind of envisioning her as dead in this scenario, RIP - or otherwise not present, much like how C&C have been banished by the time Túrin shows up), so he would have a preexisting relationship with Tyelpë. Maybe they broke up? Maybe they’re awkwardly pining and Túrin is what brings them together? Or some other situation. This ship is doomed no matter how you twist it, and so digging into the dramatic irony of it all would be delicious; happy endings are optional for this request.

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Maeglin & Aredhel in Himlad & Nargothrond tags: Aredhel, Group: Aredhel & Oromë, Group: Celegorm/Aredhel & Maeglin & Curufin & Celebrimbor, Group: Curufin/Finrod & Celebrimbor Suggested worldbuilding tags: Aredhel and Maeglin Remain in Himlad, Aromantic Aredhel

This is kind of similar to the previous request, but with a focus on Aredhel, Celegorm, and Curufin as well as Maeglin and Celebrimbor. I would love an AU where Maeglin and Aredhel go to Himlad instead of Gondolin, and eventually end up in Nargothrond - I really can’t get enough of this concept! What happens with Eöl; does Curufin actually kinslay him this time? How do Maeglin and Tyelpë get along? My Aredhel is always aromantic, but I do ship her and Celegorm as FWB (though maybe Celegorm’s caught feelings somewhere along the line...) - how does Maeglin feel about her rekindling that relationship? I’d definitely be interested in a story about Celebrimbor being a Curufinrod baby (trans!Curvo ftw), so that would make returning to Nargothrond extra tense and emotional. As for Aredhel and Oromë, I have this headcanon that Anairë gave all her children Valar-related mother-names, and that Aredhel was named Írissë Aldarindë after Oromë Aldaron. How does she feel about that name and her connection to Oromë? I don’t think she ever actually joined his Hunt like Celegorm did; why is that? Did Celegorm discourage because he’d adopted his father’s anti-Valar sentiment and left the Hunt? Did she just get involved too late, and then the Darkening happened? How do her and Celegorm’s relationships with their patron Vala differ in Beleriand? I think they were both Kinslayers at Alqualondë, but Celegorm is bound by the Oath and Aredhel isn’t - how does that affect things? Can Aredhel and Maeglin’s presence change how Finrod’s demise goes down? All sorts of fascinating things you could explore!

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Misc. Silm Request

Cuiviénen tags: Original Awakened Elf of Cuiviénen (Silm) Suggested worldbuilding tags: In-universe Origins of LaCE, LaCE as a Horror Concept, LaCE as a social construct, LaCE-compliant soulbonding, Non-romantic/sexual Soul Bonds

I’d love to see an exploration of how LaCE came to be, which parts of the rules around marriage and children and re-embodiment are social constructs and which are innate to the fëa and hröa, and/or relationships that defy the norms. If your take on the laws is hetero/cisnormative, how does that affect queer elves? If your take is free of bigotry, what are the flexibilities around queerness, including asexuality and aromanticism? Laws and customs and rules always have loopholes and exceptions, so what do elves who don’t fit into the expected relationship mold do about these norms?

How do soul bonds work on a metaphysical level? Can they be broken? Do they have to be nurtured and maintained? What’s long-distance communication like? Heck, what’s short-distance communication like, is it like talking in your mind or sharing your feelings or more abstract than that? Can elves form soul bonds with mortals? And most importantly—how did elves figure out they could soul bond with one another?? I can imagine that would be quite a shock when they’re discovering sex and then suddenly they’re inside each other’s minds! This could easily be tied into the “LaCE as Horror” tag; especially if the characters were not expecting it or the bond was being abused. (If you do decide to explore abuse, I would prefer you use OCs rather than canon characters, unless you want to write Eöl abusing Aredhel or Sauron abusing Celebrimbor. In any case, please be careful with that kind of relationship, I am quite sensitive to abuse in fiction even if I am interested in this subject.)

For non-romantic and/or non-sexual soul bonds: Explore sibling bonds, twin bonds, parent-child bonds, queerplatonic bonds, found family bonds, adoption bonds, the bond between a Vala and their Maia…any kind of soul bond that is familial or platonic or chosen without regard to romance! (Feel free to take a canon romantic relationship and turn it queerplatonic, I live for that shit!) How are these bonds formed outside of sex? What are the rituals and ceremonies around forming them? Is it a public or private thing? Are non-romantic soul bonds taken seriously, or are they seen as less important than marriage bonds? Since elven parents literally give part of their soul in the creation of the child, is that parent-child bond innate? What are traditions around elven adoption? Are there soul bonds created between the adoptive parents and children? Was adoption even a thing in Aman, or is it only practiced in Middle-earth? Did elves adopt mortals and vice versa? Is adoption extended to found family other than a parent-child situation? How is adoption viewed by elvish society, especially if inheritance/succession is a concern?

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Turgoldo tags: Group: Finrod/Turgon, Group: Mariners send by Turgon to Aman Suggested worldbuilding tags: Songs of Power

This is my rarepair to end all rarepairs tbh. I honestly don’t know why these two are not shipped more! I am desperate for any and all content with them, I am not picky at all, I just love them.

Fun times in Aman before things get dark and serious would be lovely, I think in that context their relationship would be more casual (or at least they’re trying to make it casual and that leads to hurt feelings). I’d rather not focus on their relationships with their canon love interests, mostly because I’m not a fan of stories about jealousy (also because I see both Finrod and Amarië as gay and together mostly for convenience’s sake AND/OR they’re in a queerplatonic relationship, not a romantic/sexual one), but I do ship Elenwë/Amarië so those two having some sort of polyamorous arrangement with Finrod and Turgon could be fun. But feel free to just ignore any of that and depict Finrod and Turgon together without their respective ladies!

If you go into Beleriand times, I like: Turgon grieving Elenwë and finding solace with Finrod; whatever went down that night by the river they never wanted to talk about again; helping each other build their hidden kingdoms; Finrod sneaking into Gondolin maybe??; repressed Turgon being angsty about discovering his bisexuality and Finrod either helping him or making things more complicated; Finrod missing Turgon and trying to distract himself in Nargothrond (maybe in combination with another Finrod ship? honestly I ship Finrod with any dude that moves, feel free to put your own spin on his relationships, though I would prefer a focus on Turgon/Finrod for this request). Post-reembodiment scenarios would also be great.

Or maybe you want to do an AU with them! Supernatural creatures? Some other fantasy setting? A space opera? Honestly the only AU I wouldn’t be interested in is a modern AU, I’m very picky with my Silm Modern AUs. Honestly like I said earlier, I would love ANY content with Finrod and Turgon, you’d make me very happy if you depicted them together!! Feel free to ignore any of the stuff I said if you’ve got a better idea!!

Regarding the mariners sent to Aman: maybe Turgon is trying to pass a message along to a re-embodied Finrod along with the general cry for help to the Valar? And for “Songs of Power” I was thinking about Finrod’s rap battle with Sauron, and if there was any precedent for him being musically/magically powerful before then that Turgon could have witnessed.

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Misc. worldbuilding tags: HoME/UT backstories and events that contradict the Silm, Dragons hunted for their leather, Ossiriand and the Laiquendi

I love incorporating other drafts of stories into the “main” version of the Silm! Please feel free to tweak early concepts to fit the later Legendarium, and definitely explain yourself in the author’s notes, I love that shit.

I can totally see dragons or adventurous Avari hunting dragons for their hides. You could also maybe explore this with the corpse of Smaug in the Long Lake; dwarves harvesting scales as a precious resource, or something?

In writing my recent Tauriel longfic I came to love the Laiquendi of Ossiriand. I’d love to see a nuanced exploration of their cultures - who were their leaders after Denethor? Were they really all nonviolent, or did some fight in self-defense or choose to join the Union of Maedhros? What was their relationship with the Fëanorians, both before and after the Nírnaeth? Do they consider themselves Avari? Do other elves consider them Avari?

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Númenor Request

Early Númenor tags: Group: Elros/Elros's Wife (Silm)

Idk, I just think they’re cute. I have an OC for Elros’ wife that I love, and it would be awesome if you wrote something with her! Or you can use your own OC, whatever you’d like :)

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Late Númenor tags: Group: Amandil & Ar-Pharazon & Tar-Míriel, Group: Inzilbêth & Tar-Míriel, Group: Míriel & Tar-Míriel, Group: Elwing & Tar-Míriel Suggested worldbuilding tags: Númenórean Settlements in Middle-earth, Peredhil Heritage in Numenor’s art & culture (Silm)

Amandil, Pharazôn, and Míriel’s childhood friendship is really interesting to me (especially if you throw in Elentír as well!). Would love to see how that dynamic changes over time, Pharazôn’s time conquering in Middle-earth, and their varying opinions about their heritage as the descendants of peredhil. I’m not really interested in portrayals of Pharazôn and Míriel’s relationship as healthy or even consensual; I’d rather you didn’t dwell too much on the abusive aspect, but even when I incorporate the story of Elentír I like to preserve the narrative present in the Silm where Pharazôn takes Míriel to wife against her will.

I never really thought much about Inzilbêth and Míriel, but now I definitely am! How does Míriel feel about her faithful grandmother? I see Míriel as not particularly faithful in the Valar, not like her father, but more politically against the King’s Men; does Inzilbêth try to instill faith into her granddaughter like she did her son?

I’m not sure how Míriel Þerindë or Elwing would interact with Tar-Míriel (perhaps Míriel Þerindë weaves her story? or they meet in Mandos before Tar-Míriel leaves to receive the Gift of Men? - maybe Elwing watches over her descendants from Eärendil’s ship, or flies to visit Númenor before its fall?) but I’m now interested in how that might happen, and what kinds of advice they would pass on to her. Also, if you go with Tar-Míriel and Míriel Þerindë, I’d love to see a silver-haired Tar-Míriel to mirror Þerindë! (also, “fairer than silver or ivory or pearls” makes a great image for a silver-haired Tar-Míriel)

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Tar-Silmariën AU tags: Worldbuilding: Silmariën Becomes Queen of Númenor AU

GOSH everything would have been SO different if she had been able to rule! Would her descendants have been corrupted like her brother’s? Would Aldarion and Erendis’ marriage end so badly if he didn’t have the pressure of kingship? If the roles in the Amandil-Pharazôn-Míriel dynamic were reversed, how would that change things? Would Sauron get involved? There are SO many directions you could take this, I’d love to see any of them!

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Alright, that’s the end of my prompts/requests! Thanks for reading this far, and whatever you end up writing for me I am super excited to read it!! And if you have questions or ideas or something, my askbox is open and I have anon messages on, I’d love to talk! Thank you again for creating for me, you are the best! <3

[youremyonlyhope]

The Dragon and the Wolf

Ok we’re getting more incest I guess. At least at this point it’s accidental.

WOAH. WAIT. WHY IS THIS AN HOUR AND THIRTY MINUTES LONG.

I didn’t catch Joe Dempsie’s name in the credits... no Gendry... is this episode even worth watching?... I’m kidding. “There’s more work in the city. And the brothels are far superior.” HEY TYRION. Hey. Don’t forget that Ros, my love, came from a brothel up North! And she was one of the most requested prostitutes in King’s Landing! You yourself picked her out for Joffrey (which was a mistake). Don’t insult my girl’s homeland like that. Oh how I miss Ros. I haven’t thought of her in a while and it upsets me. She was the best. AWWW PODRICK AND TYRION REUNITED. Hound... when Brienne said “The only one who needs protecting is the one who gets in her way” was that a small little proud smile I saw on you...? That’s adorable. Is Dany gonna make a grand entrance or something? Everyone has someone from the other side to stare down angrily. It’s a family reunion again! Hound. HOUND. HOUND DON’T CONFRONT YOUR BROTHER COME ON. Dany knows how to make an entrance. Cersei, stop acting like you’re not impressed/terrified. Hey Cersei. As the great Julie Andrews said, “A queen is never late, everyone else is simply early.” So respect your Queen Dany. “Do you remember when we discussed dwarf jokes?” “His wasn’t even good.” YES THEON. “Sit down or leave” OH WOW CERSEI COMING THROUGH AS A VOICE OF REASON? FOR LIKE THE FIRST TIME EVER?!?! OR AT LEAST THE FIRST TIME SINCE NED STARK’S DEATH WHEN SHE KINDA SORTA TRIED TO STOP JOFFREY!?!? Amazing. Euron. That’s how you know you’re wrong. When CERSEI acts as a voice of reason. “They’re about to become a million more soldiers for the Army of the Dead.” “I’d imagine for most of them it’d be an improvement.” Cersei. You were so close. So close. So close to being a reasonable person. You showed a small glimmer of like... decency. And now you’re back to being horrible. YEAH. YEAH. OK. YES. UM. SETTING A WHITE WALKER ON CERSEI AND STOPPING IT ONLY A FOOT AWAY IS ONE WAY OF PROVING THEY EXIST. WOW. Qyburn. I genuinely love your mind and how you keep wanting to learn more and more. BUT RIGHT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO EXAMINE THE WIGHT OK? “I’m taking the Iron Fleet back to the Iron Islands.” WOW NOW EURON’S THE COWARD??!?!?!?! Cersei. Being reasonable about the true enemy. Thank you.

Safe to say that was the most convincing presentation ever made ever.

“I know Ned Stark’s son will be true to his word.” Ok but Cersei what if he’s not Ned’s son? Spoke too soon. Cersei is not reasonable IN THE SLIGHTEST. Did not write anything for the entirety of the Cersie and Tyrion scene. I love how Jon and Dany are discussing children as if their kids wouldn’t be inbred. Ok. Cersei has reason again. Finally. BAELISH. SHUT UP. LEAVE MY SANSA ALONE. I’m glad Theon and Jon got to have that talk. Yes Theon! Go save your sister! I am so sleepy. I had to rewind the fight scene of Theon and the guy a couple times because I kept like... fading away right when Theon starts to win and I’d come back to life like huh what’s happening. And it’s happening again in Winterfell, all these long shots on individual people’s reactions to seeing Arya be brought in is making me sleepy. Stop smirking, Baelish. “You stand accused of murder. You stand accused of treason. How do you answer these charges... Lord Baelish?” I just AUDIBLY gasped! I’d actually been spoiled for this but forgot about it! Being spoiled for this moment was what made me realize in season 1 that oh god, Baelish is gonna still be around in Season 7 and I gotta just deal with him that whole time. We’re here now! I knew my Stark girls would never fight. “None of you knows the truth.” “You held a knife to his throat.” ALL KNOWING CREEPY BRAN TO THE RESCUE! WOW Baelish looks truly pathetic while crying. FINALLY. FI. NAL. LY. I’m glad Arya had the honors.

Also I’m so mad I was spoiled for Baelish’s death by Sophie Turner herself THIS WEEK. People were making fun of Nick Jonas’ Met Gala look, saying he looked like Baelish (he did) and she made a joke along the lines of “I thought you died last season.” Literally, I was 4 days away from watching this episode. 4 days. Ugh. It would have been so much more satisfying if I hadn’t known it was coming. But also, I did kind of forget I’d been spoiled by the Met Gala right up until Sansa said “Lord Baelish?” I really spent the whole of Season 7 forgetting that Baelish would die at some point, and hearing Sansa say that made me realize this was the last episode of the season so he was probably gonna die.

Also, what a coincidence that I mentioned Ros at the beginning of this episode for the first time in so long. I had been saying from the beginning that I hoped Ros gets to be the one to kill Baelish. He got to her first, but I wish she had done it. But Arya doing it is fine too. I���m glad it was a woman at least. That’s still pretty satisfying.

Cersei’s back to being unreasonable again. Girl. Just pick something and stick with it. Please. Ok. Euron leaving to get the army in Essos. I’ll give Cersei that much. I did think it was weird that Euron gave up so quickly. Ugh... Jaime has sense though, he’s running off. Snowing in King’s Landing. Wow. When Gendry said he hadn’t seen snow before, I remember thinking “What? Not even in Winter? - oh Winter hasn’t come yet.” Well now it’s here in King’s Landing too. I feel like they probably mentioned it in like Season 1, but when was the last winter? Snow on Cersei’s map symbolizing winter being here for all of Westeros, I see you. SAM!!! AND GILLY!! AND LITTLE SAM!! So Bran is the one who reveals Jon’s parentage? I was so hoping Gilly would stumble across it while reading, she nearly did. Oh well. HIS LAST NAME ISN’T SNOW IT’S SAND. That’s a bigger reveal to me than the parentage. I predicted Lyanna would be his mother, but only because I already knew about Rhaegar. Because of spoilers. Yay. Oh so Gilly did help kind of figure it out because of the annulment. Rhaegar looked so much like Viserys (or whatever Harry Lloyd’s name was) that it freaked me out and I had a physical fight or flight reaction. Robert’s Rebellion being based on a lie is a shock though. So Ned had to take Jon to protect him not just from the world and everyone hunting Targaryens, but from his own best friend too?? JON’S NAME IS AEGON?!!?!?!!? I JUST GASPED OUT LOUD. I still don’t ship Dany and Jon though. I love the shot of the two Stark girls together. Happy. Alive. OH GOD THEY’RE HERE. THE ARMY’S AT THE TREES. THE WAR’S STARTING. AHHHHHHHH GIANT WIGHTS TOO. Why are they stopping? Dramatic effect? (Dragon screeching) OH NO THAT’S WHY. OH IT HAS BLUE FIRE. NOOOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOO. I JUST GASPED AND WHISPERED NOOOOOOOO OUT LOUD. THE NIGHT KING’S RIDING THE DRAGON. HELL NO. IT CAN MELT THE WALL. WOW. WE’RE SO DOOMED. WOW. Everything sucks.

For some reason I thought the season ended with a shot of the 3 Stark kids together. So that whole scene I was like... waiting to cut back to Winterfell and have a scene of Bran telling everyone and Arya being like “We’ll be ready.” or whatever. But nope. Super bleak depressing ending.

I can’t imagine having to wait 2 more years after that.

Proofreading this post made me realize how much happened. Honestly, the presentation of the wight feels like it was last episode, not this one.

[leashepard-blog]

Swallowed by the Serpent; My Healing Experience with Plant Medicine

I had very little confidence that plant medicine would actually help me. I had tried all the other treatment options introduced to me. They all failed. It was my last resort. Something I squarely did not want to do. I very strongly disliked travel, was very wary of being in a group of strangers getting dosed on hallucinogens, and distrusted anyone who would run a facility in the jungle where people pay for such an experience. Nevertheless, I went. I wanted to be free of the repetitive thoughts that intruded on my every waking moment.

I was raised in very strict religious sect that was classified as a cult by national cult listing organizations. My cult made the top ten list for cults in America at one point. We had a magazine and everything. You may have heard of it. The World Wide Church of God and the magazine was called “The Plain Truth”. As a typical cult member, I did not know I was in a cult until I was out of it (at age 16). I thought I was in a very strict church that had all the right answers. I was taught that I would one day have my own universe. Sounded pretty appealing for a child. The not-so- fun parts included a yearly pilgrimage to a foreign city which was a “holiday” representing our eventual fleeing from our homes when the apocalypse arrives to the “place of safety”. We celebrated only holidays depicted in the old testament of the Bible. No Christmas, Easter, or Halloween. I was certain all the kids in my classes where going to burn in the lake of fire for eternity for believing in Santa or Jesus. I was not a popular child at school due to those beliefs and the fact that I was sent out of the room for every holiday related event. I was often left home alone after school with siblings to fend for our selves while my parents worked hard to make money. Most of which, I presume, went to the cult. That is the nature of a cult, they drain you financially. Our lifestyle reflected the slim finances. Except for that yearly apocalypse preparation trip. For that, we got treated to gifts and restaurant food. I was not allowed to celebrate my birthday but I got gifts for that trip. It was a big deal for me as a child and it started my anxiety around travel. The emotions around it were very complicated and very fearful. I truly believed we would one day go to the place of safety in/on a giant eagle and live with the chosen people through the end times while all the people I met in the world died. There where other factors in play as well, such as my tendency towards concussions due to multiple falls as a child. Plus there was abuse in the church. Men where given distinct complete control over those younger and women. That lead to many problems. I got lucky however, and the cult collapsed at around the time I turned 16. The main leader died and his son took over. He was more tolerant and recommended that members of the church be kind and welcoming to those who celebrate other holidays from our own. That among other things he was more tolerant about drove many of the members to leave for a more strict off-shoot church. Many of the other members went to regular churches. Therefore the main church does still exist in name but it is a very different organization these days, I am sure.

I lived a relatively normal life from 16-30. Graduated from a liberal arts college and went to work after school with plants and people. Sometime around age 30 all that changed. I had a work related injury that lead me to take steroids for pain. That, I believe, set in motion an autoimmune disorder that was truly awful. I was unable to function for quite some time. My hands where swollen and too painful to do much of anything. Other soft tissues in my body where also effected. I was having more and more symptoms related to complex ptsd at this time as well. In fact, they where driving me mad. I was having an interruptive thought every 30 seconds at least. Always something very negative repeating in my mind. These thoughts are hard to explain. I did not “think” them. They just appeared over and over again. It was very distressing. If you are curious look into complex ptsd symptoms. I identified with most of the symptoms listed.

Eventually I reached a place of few options. I had exhausted all the treatments for both disorders with little success. I was out of options, extremely depressed, physically a wreck and almost completely out of hope when I decided to pursue ayahuasca. My medical doctor and therapist had both recommended it to me so I did lots of research on the subject and decided it was something that had potential to help me. With the help of very good friend, who was obviously very worried about me, I ended up booking a 21 day retreat outside Iquitos Peru starting in January. To prepare for the trip I started seeing a chiropractor who helped my back immensely. Even now it is like new from the work she did on me. I also started a yoga practice to see if that would assist with the back pain, with the improvement I saw, I was then hooked on yoga. Like some say, the medicine started working in me before I even left home.

I arrived in Peru a slightly improved version of my shattered self. Extremely terrified, apprehensive, and not at all convinced that I would return home with much more improvement. But I was determined to try anything that might help me find relief from the constant mental anguish I was dealing with. I truly felt I had no choice but to try it, even if I firmly did not want to. So, into the jungle I went. Lead by my guides and facilitators, accompanied by a giant suitcase filled with way too much stuff, I took a three hour bus ride followed by a couple hour boat ride to the Pulse Tours center (now called Arkana Healing center and owned by different people) near Libertad village.

I met Ernesto during the bus ride to the center. He was dressed in neatly ironed black dress pants and a stark white shirt tucked in like a proper business man. Not what I was imagining a shaman to look like at all. During the bus ride he was explaining to the driver what it was he did with the medicine. Apparently the people of Peru are, in general, very skeptical of the use of the plants.

My roommate was a nice Russian lady who had never been to the Americas before. She was also there for 21 days also. I was apprehensive at being in such close quarters with another person for so long. I knew nothing about her but I could tell we had lead very different lives up till then. I was determined to conduct myself in a respectful and neighborly way. I had obviously brought an obscene amount of items. Her bag was dwarfed by my huge pile.

The jungle was extremely alive. When I stepped out of my mosquito net around my bed in the morning, I was greeted by stinging ants on my feet. The same ants always found my towel during a shower in one of the very rustic cold river water showers. When seated at my mat in the maloka it was common to be bombed by giant cockroaches. The heat was insanely intense. Everything was hot. The floor of the ceremonial chamber felt like it might combust at any time. I had been on a diet but I was far from hungry due to the oppressive heat. There where at least two people who came to the retreat center and left after just one day because it was too hot for them to feel safe. Even the locals were complaining that it was extremely hot. I was given a woven straw fan to use and it saved me during many ceremonies that I did not know I would survive. I still have it.

The first day we where given Nunu. A powdered burned tobacco mixture that is blown in to the nostrils via a tube from another person. This was said to “open us up”. The next morning we where given the chance to experience Kambo. A frog venom that is placed on a fresh burn. I took both and will likely not try Nunu again but Kambo was something I grew to really appreciate. I had it applied twice and would do it again as I believe it is very helpful for joint inflammation and possibly helpful for allergies.

Breakfast, at the center, was followed by group talk witch consisted of everyone sharing verbally their experiences of the night before’s ceremony. We all resume our places on essentially twin sized mattresses that where covered in plastic to keep them sanitary. Luckily the center had a great cleaning staff who worked hard to eliminate the signs of the night before’s events. I am sure it needed it badly after the events of the night before. The facilitators gave us some guidelines to abbreviate our experience for the shamans. They don't need to know everything about your experience, in fact, hearing about every detail from that many people every post ceremony is draining for them. Therefore I strove to keep my briefings short and to the point. The facilitators mentioned four main points the shamans needed to know about. They where 1) what visions did you have 2) did you purge? 3) did you have any intense feelings? 4) how are you feeling today? After communicating, sometimes very long answers to these questions, the patient translator would come back to the participant with a goal or thought that the shamans had on the persons experience. This was a very lengthy process. But fascinating.

After my first ceremony, my answers for the shaman where as follows 1) I saw a flower made of dots and a caiman with lots of teeth, which I liked. 2) yes I purged pretty quickly into the ceremony. 3)no intense feelings (apparently I didn't want to talk about that with others yet) 4) today I am feeling sad with a slight headache with sore hands. The translator spent some time relaying my message and came back with the following; "the shamans say they are going to clean the caiman and the sorrow. The hand pain is due to the dark energy in you which is cold mixing with the warm energy of Aya causing pain. It will go away. The headache is due to the sadness being cleared."

My ayahuasca sessions started out fairly mild. The flower pattern I had seen did not last very long. Neither did the caiman. It was like a flash of bright colored neon lights in a dark room. After the first ceremony I was asked if I would like to participate in a dieta with the plant Mapacho to “help give me strength”. Mapacho is a jungle grown tobacco variety known to the plant healers as the master plant. It is the plant that “taught people how to use the other plants” as Ernesto explained. It is a very special honor to diet with that plant. A dieta with a plant entails partaking in a very limited diet, abstaining from many pleasurable activities, and a desire to look within. Finding a bond with the plant that can from then on help guide the person who dieted. The evening I was given the tobacco liquid to drink, I wanted to vomit it up right away but could not. It stayed with me until the ayahuasca ceremony that had been planned for that evening. As I took my first sip, I accidentally spit it back in the face of the shaman who handed it to me. She found this funny. I did not. I was determined to keep a dose down so I went back for a second cup immediately. I made it back to my mat and promptly vomited it out on my feet. A third dose was needed to get the ball rolling that night. I kept it down well and sat on my matt upright proud of myself. It was then that I herd the most beautiful voice I had herd. It sounded like an angel. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about it now. The voice belonged to one of the owners/ facilitators. She was a Russian lady named Tatyana. I didn’t realize that she sang during ceremonies, on occasion, so the beauty of her song had an even more profound effect coming as a surprise. I felt extreme gratitude for beauty that even now I can tap into. It was a true turning point for me. The remainder of the ceremony was very cleansing for me but not entirely light and beautiful. Nevertheless, I was able to appreciate the beauty of the darkness as I was witnessing it. I hope she releases her version of “Kali burn it all away” sometime in the near future! I know many would treasure it.

During one of my early ceremony’s, I remember asking ayahuasca for proof. After I had drank the brew, I saw a vision of an elephant over the mat of one of the other participants. This particular vision was very striking and seemed to be actually in the room. It was standing over the mat for the entire ceremony and didn’t move. The next day during our talks in group, the person who’s mat the elephant was standing over, described his experience. He said he had spent the entire night on elephant back in India. I was still skeptical to any kind of proof but it was a compelling occurrence. Looking back I believe this was Ayahuasca’s way of attempting to convince me to trust the medicine, in a gentle way.

The center I had chosen had invited a reporter from the Wall Street journal to come observe a couple of the other participants during a ceremony. They where war veterans suffering from ptsd. The article was published about a year later, I believe. The total of his finished article was “Is Perus Psychedelic Potion a Cure or a Curse?” His take on the situation was skeptical at best. It was a fair article for someone who was convinced to drink via ultimatum (or stay outside the maloka). This was the proposal offered by myself and a couple other participants that didn’t like the idea of having a stone sober reporter in our midst while drinking a powerful concoction ourselves. The night he spent with us was the most insane night I spent in the jungle. There was another participant among us who had chosen to drink quite a bit and by his own words thought the facilitators where Jaguars trying to kill him. So, he went ballistic and ripped up the entire bathroom with very loud crashes. I can still hear his screams as he ran circles around the maloka. It was very intimidating to say the least, as I hallucinated on my mat. They eventually got him into the shower and got him hosed down which tends to improve the situation. I was a wreck the next morning because I was certain it was my fault he had drank so much. The previous day we had been talking and I suggested he should drink as much as he liked. I was ready to pack up and go because I thought the shamans where just there to take our money and didn’t really care about us. Having, essentially, a nervous breakdown. Perhaps due to the medicine still in effect. Perhaps due to the strain of a dieta. The shamans made a snack for me out of ginger paste and honey which they prayed over before offering it to me. Doused my hair in lemongrass water and sang some songs for me. The facilitators heard all my concerns and convinced me to stay. I felt much better somehow. The reporter left and I was committed to staying for the next two weeks. The man attacked by jaguars the night before had a sore hand from bashing the sink off the wall but he was remarkably happy! He was glad that had happened to him. It was all very strange for me.

The next night, I took a small dose and did not purge at all. I think about how much I dislike this place as I sit there in the heat with tons of bug bites all over me. I don't want to stay a moment longer, but I do. I drink nasty liquids and eat dieta food, sweat and moan. Trying to "heal". I am not at all convinced it is going to be effective. I ask and ask and I get no answers, I think. I was given the advice by one of the facilitators that when I have these kinds of thoughts that I am supposed to "talk to the feelings nicely and ask them to go to the light" this is the best advice I got yesterday. I try to do this. I don't think anything is working. The ceremony takes place and is very peaceful. At one point I have a vision of many many eyes like a screen or web of eyes all over my field of vision. It quickly goes away as soon as it came. I later write "this process is nothing short of torture for me". The heat and insects seemed so intense to me that night, I was convinced this was very similar to hell if not the place it’s self. The next day in group share I tell of the web of eyes, the feelings of frustration, and feeling very tired with hand and shoulder pain. The shaman said he would "clean the eyes". He also gave me a ginger massage for my hands and shoulder with crushed fresh ginger. It was very hot feeling on the skin for hours after but it did help the pain quite a lot.

Prior to ceremony, this evening, Tatyana offered a special circle for women. It was about the womb. I chose to attend. It was a beautiful gathering with her leading a focused recitation of the following words. "The womb is not a place to store fear and pain. The womb is a place to create and give birth to life." These words we all spoke in turn while focusing on that area of our own body. This set the tone for the ceremony nicely. Something about the repetition and group focus on one “positive” idea made a difference in my domineer. As I drank, I saw a visual of the earth as one gigantic womb. I purged at the first song then laid back for the ride. I immediately saw geometric shapes. Soon after I was experiencing the Nevada desert, in my mind. It was more beautiful than real life. I was very thankful for getting to experience that.

Someone had a loud purge which drew me out of the trance. My neighbor then had the most annoying purge and I could smell it and it was so bad, I had to leave the room. I was a bit tortured with heat and back pain for quite some time. I was eventually able to settle back down and saw some of my friends faces appear in front of me as I lay there. As if they where coming for a visit. I felt very loved and extreme amounts of love for others. Eventually the ceremony was over. I could not get up and some wonderful person brought me an apple. Ladies gathered around me and so did Aya the cat. We had conversation as I struggled to regain my ability to walk. Eventually I could and made my way to the bathroom. I slept well that night. The next day I told of the geometric shapes, of seeing friends faces, of going to the desert, of feelings of gratitude and love and also annoyance. I described feeling more at peace than I have in months. Also complained of a sore shoulder and hands. The shaman told me I was walking toward the light and was doing a good job. He said he was going to clean the anger and annoyance.

The next was a very hard ceremony for me. Maybe the hardest. I wrote in my journal the next day that I didn't even want to think about last night. The heat was so intense in drove me down into the most intense dark thoughts I have ever experienced. I was thinking about why what is was happening to me. Why do I deserve to suffer this way? What have I done in my life to deserve this hell? I tried so hard to connect to the light. I saw my friends face in a vision and broke down in tears for gratitude. I thought about my dog who had died and had a vision of his face and his image was distorted in an eery way. The memory was extremely painful. I had a feeling on my skin and a visual of having snakes crawling on my legs. It didn't really bother me. It was just how things where at the time. I had snakes crawling on myself and I hated myself for so many reasons. I thought that I should not be here now, in this place. I begged to "please help me enjoy this". I begged the dark thoughts to go to the light. Gradually I began to feel a it cooler. I hated myself for not asking for help. I felt so isolated and alone. I never want to have that experience again. The next day I told the shamans at group share about the snakes, the feelings of sorrow. I describe feeling like giving up. I ask "How is having all these negative thoughts amplified supposed to help me heal?" The shamans say "feel the beauty of the sorrow, stick with the process. Trick her the same way she try's to trick you". These pieces of advice did nothing for me at the time but looking back on it now, I find them very wise. Because of my general state of despair and because some other people had expressed interest, Tatyana offered to put together a San Pedro ceremony for some people to participate in during the day in a couple days. I believe this was mostly for my benefit because she thought I could use it's heart opening medicine at this juncture. It's actually advised by some, that people suffering from depression take San Pedro prior to ayahuasca. I might agree with that after having the experience I had. Therefore I decided not to drink Aya at the following ceremony as to be physically strong enough for the San Pedro the following morning. This turned out to be a very good decision. I got to whiteness the next ceremony sober, and fortify myself for San Pedro.

The next day we visited the neighboring village of Libertad. I had brought some watercolor paints and paper to donate to the school so I brought them along with some toys and candy for the kids. The village had a little market set up for us of hand made items they had for sale. When I presented my gift to the village, I was directed to give them to the oldest woman I saw there who then decided who should receive the gift. A man with a huge bright smile was the lucky recipient. Seeing his face when he was holding the paints touched my heart. It was a beautiful moment of human connection. I wish I could one day see some of his paintings.

As I prepared for the San Pedro Ceremony I thought about things I was grateful for. They included the existence of the facilitator, Tatyana, gratitude for the maloka it's self (what a beautiful building we are able to sit inside of), and for the kindness of strangers. That truly is one of the best things about life. I then gave some thought to my intentions as I prepared to drink. I intended to accomplish several things that seemed at the time impossible. To heal my heart, to experience and know joy, and to find proof/ faith in the spiritual world. My writing about my San Pedro experience after the fact was very optimistic. I wrote "The beautiful day: A fantastic evening of sleep and happy dreams was followed by the most beautiful day.”

I drank a thick liquid of San Pedro cactus around noon with several other people in the middle of the jungle in the amazon rainforest. The beauty of the medicine was evident very quickly as I was able to se the nature around me in a way I haven't before in this location. I elaborate about termite mounds, butterfly's, rainstorms, and wind chimes, which blew in a perfect way. As the San Pedro started to kick in a rainstorm came across the hot landscape. It was most welcome. I took advice of a fellow participant and decided to walk in the rain. It was a lovely moment I will not soon forget. I wrote " the leaves where blown in impossible ways. Up and levitated. Flipping and sideways." We where playing with Riki, the baby Pygmy marmoset when the fruit salad arrived. It was delicious after a morning of no breakfast. I ate it with joy. Riki had some too as he climbed on the head of any human he could. Soon it was time to go on a little San Pedro adventure that Tatyana had planned. We all went down river in the boat together to visit a place with giant Lilly pads. We arrived and parked the boat a the rivers edge. There was a small painted sign that indicted this was the place to see Lilly pads. I will remember the sound of the birds at this Lilly pad pond. On in particular sounded like a drop of water falling into a bucket. Very unusual. Others where indescribable. We all took photos and chatted about the glorious water lilies. As we made our departure from the water Lilly place, we noticed a boat floating down the river unmanned. We collectively decided to help out the owner ( a couple ladies who where selling their art by the river). We took our boat downstream and rescued the wayward vessel. It's owners where very thankful for the kindness. I imagine getting the boat back otherwise would have been impossible or at-least quite difficult. Life on the amazon river certainly has it's challenges. We headed back to the center on the board accompanied by pink river dolphins. Soon after arriving back it was time for diner. We all ate with gusto. We enjoyed some socialization and shared our experiences on San Pedro. I said something like " A beautiful night of rest was followed by a beautiful day. The rain, the lilies, the people, where all so perfect. I enjoyed smiling and being happy" People told me it was good to see me smile. Apparently not something the group was much accustomed to seeing appear on my face.

I made my way to bed listening to music as I drifted off to sleep. When I woke I had a sense of peace and resignation about Aya. I was thinking, “I can just ask her to heal me or to just give me what I need and I can do my best to move through her challenges with grace.” It was a simple but new thought for me. I reminded myself that everything is temporary and all things flow and flux. These simple thoughts where very comforting. My mind had been stuck in a negative loop for so long this thought pattern was very new. And welcomed.

Another week had gone by so there was an influx of new faces and some people went on to do good in the world. I recall being unwilling to give any advice to the new comers. I felt that I didn’t have any useful information to share with them. Several of them did seem nervous. By this time, I was feeling much more comfortable with the process and could feel more at ease welcoming new people to sit beside me during ceremony. The weather was cooler due to a beautiful rain that day. Soon after we drank our doses the candles where blown out. We sat in the dark and quiet listening to the sounds of the jungle. Out of the quiet one of the new guys started up with some unusual chatter. I found it amusing. "If you stretch a little bit you can swim like a dolphin!" He said loudly. Then "His middle name is Steven. It's a great name!" And the ever memorable "Left, Left, Left!! I'm going right!" I remember telling one of the facilitators after the ceremony that the disruption didn't bother me at all. Fortunately my logical mind was able to win out. The talkative fellow was also very active with lots of trips up and down and out of the maloka. A bit nerve racking as he actually jumped over one of the participants who was laying on their mat and later I learned someone had their face stepped on. That would not be a fun experience whilst on aya. The facilitators were on it as usual, however. They where there by his side helping him to work through his confusion.

My intention for this particular ceremony was to eliminate my ptsd. I later wrote "I got the message that its never going away. That it is a gift to help me help other people." I was strangely at peace with this concept. I had been on a strict dieta for almost two weeks which was lifted for me just before the San Pedro ceremony (San Pedro can not be taken when dieting with a plant). so that was heavy on my mind. I was asking Aya what was the purpose of this. Why do we need to abstain from sex, salt, oil, sugar, and spice when bonding with a plant? The answer I got was that the brain must be retrained to receive the majority of the dopamine from other people. Connecting with their minds. Instead of from outside factors. And that in essence, a diet is a way to connect with the "mind" of a plant. This abstaining allows for a deeper and more lucid connection between minds existing on very different planes. I also got the message that the ultimate goal of connection with "minds" (plants and people) is to learn how to be of service to others. And through this we heal ourselves. Because one can not heal someone else without also healing oneself. Later in the ceremony I got the message that I need to be a facilitator of Aya ceremony's in Asheville. Aya very much would like to reach out of the jungle to wherever she can help. The idea of being a facilitator in an Aya ceremony filled me with apprehension. I felt that I am not up to that task. Not "good" enough. But the message was relentless. Telling me "nope, sorry. That's what's going to happen so get prepared." Two years later and I still have not given this serious thought. Maybe one day far into the future if I gain decades of experience with the medicine, I would consider it. I think many people who drink Aya get a message from the plant that they need to help her spread. Seems to be a common theme she has. I got the impression that there is a very strong will behind this plant that is determined to spread to every corner of the globe.

The ceremony closed and the candles where lit. I was laying on my mat afterwards just staring into the ceiling dreamily and I saw a Jaguar appear in the top of the maloka. It was walking up there on some wood beams. In a circle. Every time I looked up there it was there walking in a circle. The next day we discussed our experiences with the others. The shamans told me that aya is testing me by saying that the ptsd is going to stay. They made a resolution to "clean the ptsd and center me more". Also the leopard I saw at the top of the maloka really impressed them. They said I was very connected to the medicine if I can see that as it was a protection spell that Ernesto had placed on the maloka as he was getting ready to go to bed. I found that fascinating. He seemed genuinely surprised and impressed that I could see it.

The next evening brought another ayahuasca ceremony. Number ten for me. I drank the smallest dose again with the thought in mind, “I will be centered.” My other goal was to eliminate the ptsd. However, I remained unattached to that outcome. I felt like "If it can go, good. If not, fine. Whatever." After drinking the Aya I immediately felt very tired. So I made myself comfortable and really enjoyed being in a more rested position. Usually I forced myself to sit up for as long as possible.

I was very deep in relaxation when I was roused by my neighbor playing music in his headphones very loud so that everyone around could hear it. I complained to one of the facilitators who asked him to turn it off. Then he turned it back on a little while later and I complained again. He had a lot of complaining to do about turning it off but finally did. In the peace that followed, I revisited all my aya experiences and all the advice I had gotten from the staff over the past month. I suddenly had an overwhelming sense that I never have to do this again! "I am done!!" I wrote in my journal. The only way I can describe it is that I graduated. I had a vision of turning into a bird and soaring in very high in the sky with the other birds. It was a beautiful vision. I got a feeling deep inside me that I never have to worry about my future. All I have to do is do what brings me joy. That's it. If I don't want to do something, just don't. "If you no longer get joy from something, just stop doing it." I wrote. Then I had to use the toilet and as I was walking back in, the ceremony was over. I was so happy! The following day during discussion the shaman said he would sing for me the Ikro of love and put the Arcana on me. As I described my experience, everyone clapped and cheered! We all thanked God that I had come through onto the other side of all that darkness. There was palpable sense of celebration among the participants. I was very touching to know that they where interested in my outcome.

My intention for ceremony eleven was, to feel and know “love”. I spent the first few moments after drinking thinking about positive attributes of everyone in the room. I wrote several reasons this was quite challenging in my journal. But I was able to actually find good qualities about everyone in the room with me. And felt genuine love for all of them despite their annoying actions. As the ceremony began I remained focused on my "fuck that" meditation. I kept repeating in my head "these douche bags can't get under my skin. No one can fuck with a purity like this." Then I was swallowed by a giant snake in a very intense vision. The snake came at me trying to look scary but I remained calm. After I was inside the snake I saw a river of lights surrounded by glittering flowers. I kept seeing tons of flowers dancing for quite some time. They eventually turned into fruits. This seemed to last a very long time. Eventually I needed to use the toilet so I went outside and noticed the stars where incredible. I have never seen stars like that. The rest of the night I was content listening to the ikaros. Ernesto sang me the song of love which was very sweet and blissful. Not like many of the other ikaros, which could be very jarring. After the ceremony was over, I felt wide eyed like a baby and very content. The following day the shamans said the serpent was mother Aya and that she was taking me into her stomach just as I had taken her into mine. Very interesting.

There was only one more opportunity for an ayahuasca ceremony left during my stay. I decided that I did not want to drink but would rather get as much rest as possible for my journey home. I slept in my room until it was time for my ikro. I had dreams of going to a party at a water park that I can still remember two years later. I woke up just in time for my ikro. I had the Arcana placed on me. I was done. I was extremely ready to go home and simultaneously extremely thankful for everyone who had put up with me and helped me along the way. Needless to say, I was in high spirits for my trip home which made for a smooth homecoming.

Two years later, almost exactly, I sit here finishing this. I am happy to report that the repetitive intrusive thoughts I was experiencing, never came back! They have actually gone. The symptoms of the autoimmune disorder have never returned also! My ring size has decreased at least two sizes due to the swelling in my hands that going down. I have not had to take any prescription medications to manage pain or anything else since my trip. I never went back to the doctors I was seeing because I was (and still am) feeling so well! I was receiving disability benefits but made the call to tell them I am better now and no longer need the help. This was confusing for the staff at disability because apparently that is very rare but it made me very happy to do it! I have gained strength in every part of my body over the last two years. My self confidence has improved and so has my shape because I don’t take any medications that lead to weight gain anymore. I practice yoga almost daily. It’s become something I crave and have deep feelings of love for. I credit yoga for a lot of the symptoms staying away but my trip to Peru was certainly the catalyst for the healing I experienced. I believe the feeling of genuine concern that Ernesto had for me is a huge reason I had a positive healing experience. The love I felt by the facilitators and the genuine concern coming from the person doing the healing made a huge difference in my life. It’s the love that heals. I think I could have been healed in this way without ever drinking the brew. There are many ways to enlightenment and healing. Traveling to the jungle to drink Ayahuasca is one way that the modern human can find the sort of healing that ancient peoples had access to. The kind of healing reliant on honest feelings of compassion and love. The kind of healing that is rare if not impossible to find in the modern hospital or psychiatric unit. I believe one could find the same answers in other ways such as mediation and service to others. However, that is not a path that is laid out as neatly as the one that goes to Peru.

I learned truth doesn’t need you to believe in it to exist. I didn’t believe Aya would help me. I hoped she would but I did not believe it. I was told numerous times during my stay to “trust the medicine”. I was unable to do that and I was still healed. She helped me. They helped me. I helped myself when I didn’t think it was possible. Belief is not necessary for something to be truly beneficial to you.

I also learned the humor is absolutely paramount to enjoying life. Looking for the jokes that life lays out in front of me on a daily basis is now a pass time that I relish. Without a sense of humor life is possibly pointless.

If you are thinking about pursuing plant medicine as a healing modality, consider your reasons for doing so. If you are truly sick and in need of healing no one else in your area has been able to provide, then consider it. From my understanding, healing with Ayahuasca does not require one to drink it. It is possible to achieve healing without even taking the brew ones-self but having the shaman drink in your presence. He can then ask the plant what will heal you because often it’s not always the Aya that heals it sometimes points the healer in the right direction of a plant that will. For me, that plant was Mapacho, something I was repulsed by and actively avoided during much of my stay in Peru. I was given the assignment to smoke the herb at least weekly after my dieta with it was closed. I am to blow the smoke on all of my limbs, head, stomach and back creating a protective layer. I am still not very fond of the taste of the herb but I do my homework as assigned. This is perplexing to many people in America who associate any form of tobacco with cancer and death. For me it is a medicine and an old friend. I ask him questions and actually feel the presence of an old man when I communicate with him.

Writing this was very difficult. I am making this story public in order to help someone who is considering their options for overcoming trauma. Possibly someone who was also diagnosed with complex ptsd. I would like it if someone who is suffering, reads this story, and gains a little bit of hope. I did not have much of that when I left for Peru two years ago. Pass it along to anyone who may benefit from reading my experience.

I would like to thank everyone I came in contact with over the course of this transition. Plants, animals, and humans alike! Each and every one of you contributed something to the process. Thank you.