#imagining guzzling down the soda and over like the course of 5-10 minutes just getting fucking huge like total outgrowth of all my clothes

[lycan-mutt]

bought this blueberry soda and on the label it just says BLUE BERRY SODA and all i can think of is. well. you should know. its so evocative of it. you know.

[orangeoctopi7]

Stanswap AU Part 28

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16

Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20

Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24

Part 25 Part 26 Part 27

Fanfiction.net

And a couple of comics that inspired some things in this chapter.

Chapter 28: A Day on the Town

In the day or so since the government guys had left, things had settled down into what Dipper supposed would be the new normal, now that Stanley was here. Ford mostly stayed down in the portal lab, only coming up occasionally for food. That had actually become the norm over the past month or so. Stan was just exploring the house, although he seemed antsy. He didn’t seem ready to make himself at home just yet, like he was expecting he’d need to bolt any minute now.

Everyone could sense the tension in the house, even Mabel. Dipper had seen her plotting upstairs, with a flowchart and illustrations and everything. And she called him obsessed with planning; this was going to be even worse than what she’d done with Robbie, he could tell. Unfortunately, the boy thought, this was something not even Mabel could fix.

Speaking of Mabel, she came jumping down the stairs with a smile on her face and a notebook in her hand. On that notebook was a list of tv shows and movies, and at the very top, underlined twice, was Ducktective. She screeched to a halt in front of her brother.

“Hey bro, guess what? I figured out what Grunkle Stan needs!” She handed the notebook to Dipper, “I was just thinking how freaked out I’d be if I came back home after spending 30 years in space or wherever and everything was way different, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on repairing broken family relationships either! So I asked myself, ‘what’s the best way to teach Stan about how the world has changed?’ And at first I was like, ‘The internet!’ but then I remembered that most old people have a hard time with the internet even if they weren’t gone for 30 years, so then I was like ‘TV!’

“So I made a list of all the TV shows that would teach Stan about the present, and I think Ducktective is the best show for the job. The London setting is old-fashioned enough for him to be comfortable with while still using digital-age language and technology. Also, with the themes of family and friendship that run through the whole show, it might subconsciously persuade Stan to make up with Ford! Also also, the season two finale is tonight and they’re marathoning the whole series today so that’ll make it easy to watch and Grenda’s coming over to watch it with us.”

“Uh… ok.” Dipper said simply as his brain processed the word-dump Mabel had just babbled at him. When he actually thought about it, he realized it was a pretty good idea. Stan obviously didn’t want anything to do with Ford right now, but maybe if they took the old conman’s mind off things for a while his emotions would settle down. And watching a show all about unlikely friendships and family couldn’t hurt. “That’s a pretty good idea. Nice job, Mabel!”

They found Stan rummaging around in the kitchen again, which was no surprise, really. Since he’d arrived, he’d spent about 70% of his time in there. A room full of food seemed to be a bit of a novelty for him.

“Hey kids.” Stan greeted them without even taking his head out of the fridge. “Is this peach soda a new fad, or is it some sorta local thing?”

“You mean Pitt Cola?” Dipper asked. “It’s a local thing.”

“Huh. ‘S good.” He guzzled a can of the stuff. The young twins noticed a small pile of empty and crushed cans next to the garbage. “Any other good local foods I should try?”

“Oooh! We should take you to Greasy’s Diner!” Mabel suggested.

Their discussion was interrupted by the arrival of Ford, which was so surprising that they all actually gasped. It wasn’t meal time; they hadn’t been expecting him to emerge from the lab for another few hours.

“Oh, good, you’re all here.” The old scientist said, a cheerful tone failing to mask his nervous posture, like he was psyching himself up to speak in front of a large crowd.

“Are you having an early lunch?” Dipper asked, confused.

“No, I… I was hoping… I was thinking…” He stammered, “it’s about time we got back to our weekly game of Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons.”

“Does this mean you found a way to keep the rift contained?” Dipper asked hopefully.

Ford flinched. “Well, no, not… not yet. I think I’ve made all the progress I can at the moment though. I… I thought it might be good for me to take a break.”

Mabel gasped again. She’d had to nag her Grunkle about taking a break constantly over the summer, and now he was deciding to take a break on his own!? This made her so happy, she didn’t even care that it got in the way of her earlier plan.

The younger twins seemed ecstatic to hear Ford’s proposal, but Stan still hadn’t pulled his head out of the fridge. He was pretending to ignore his brother, until Ford called on him directly.

“Stan, I… I was hoping we could all play together. You know, as a family.”

Stan was quiet for a long time. For a while it looked like he was going to go right on ignoring Ford, until he finally turned away from the fridge, slowly and deliberately. “You want me to play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?”

“Yes.” Ford replied, trying very hard to sound confident.

“That ‘game’ that’s more math and statistics than actual gameplay?” Stan continued dryly.

“Er, yes.” The old scientist confirmed, surprised that Stan knew of it. “Have you played before?” He was pretty sure the game had been invented after Stanley’d left home, and he had a hard time imagining his brother playing it on his own.

“Yeah, I was forced to play by some actual Nerd-Lords in Dimension 26*^.” Stan said bitterly. “And I’d rather eat one of those flap-drassin’ 38-sided dice than play it again.”

“O-oh.” Ford stammered. He was momentarily crestfallen, but pulled himself back together quickly. “Well, we don’t have to play that, I’ve got plenty more games in--”

“Nope.” Stan cut him of.

“Bu-wh… you don’t even know what I was going to suggest!” Ford protested.

“Yeah, but I know I don’t wanna play with you, jitata.” Stan glowered as he stomped out of the room.

Ford glared after his brother for a moment before heaving a frustrated sigh and leaving out the opposite door.

“Dipper, go after him!” Mabel pushed her brother towards the door Ford had left through.

“What?”

“This is the first voluntary break he’s taken in over a month! He needs this!” Mabel pleaded. “You go play DDMD with him or whatever it takes to keep him out of the lab for a while, I’ll take care of Grunkle Stan.”

“Narfin Ford, wantin’ to play his narfin games…” Stan grumbled under his breath. He didn’t want to play with his brother. Nope. Not one bit.

He paced around the living room, trying to think of what he could do to blow off some steam. It was weird. He’d been longing for home all these years, but now that he was here, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He hadn’t stayed in one place for more than a month in well over forty years. Of course, he reminded himself forcefully, he wasn’t planning on staying in Ford’s house for more than a few weeks anyway. But after that… the idea that he wasn’t going to leave this world was almost completely foreign to him now.

He should be learning more about this world, about what had changed, about what hadn’t… but he didn’t really know where to start. That and the fear that he wouldn’t like what he saw kept him from leaving the house and exploring the town. Or really do much of anything other than mope restlessly from room to room.

“Hey Grunkle Stan!” Mabel popped up from behind the couch, startling him out of his funk. He instinctively swung his staff at her. Luckily he realized who it was just in time.

“Yeesh kid, don't sneak up on me like that!” he barked. “That's a good way to get whacked upside the head!”

“It's ok.” She waved it off like a near concussion was nothing. “Hey, do you wanna watch the Ducktective marathon with me?” She didn't wait for an answer and immediately pulled him onto the couch.

“Uh, what?” Stan asked blankly.

“It's my favorite TV show!” She said, as if that explained everything. “I can tell you've been major-leauge stressed since you got here. You should sit down and relax for a while.” She sat down on his lap to close the deal.

“Look, uh, Muriel…”

“It's Mabel.” She corrected him cheerfully.

“Sure. Mabel.” Stan repeated, trying to remember her name for later. “I haven't really felt safe sittin’ down and relaxin’ in a long time.”

“But you are safe now.” Mabel assured him.

Stan chuckled wryly. “Yeah, but try telling my brain that.”

He sat there for a beat, waiting for her to get up and let him go. She just stared back up at him.

“You're not gonna move, are ya?” He groaned.

“Nope!” She grinned back.

Stan knew he could easily just stand up and send the girl toppling to the floor, but there was a glint of determination in her eye that told him it would be better not to try.

“Alright, so what's this 'Ducktrucker’ show about?”

Stan was surprised how quickly he was taken in by a cartoon about a duck that solves mysteries, but really, weirder things had caught his attention before. He felt like he'd just started when the doorbell rang, and Mabel got up to invite her friend Grenda in. The big guy from the other day, Soos, also joined them for the premiere of the season finale.

The incredible thing was that Stan was actually enjoying this! He was actually loosening up and joining the conversation with these kids, talking about theories of what would happen, favorite characters and how they’d developed over the course of the show, and jokes that had made him laugh sincerely for the first time in years. Maybe Mabel had known what she was doing, getting him to sit down and relax for a bit.

The finale itself was pretty fun, but listening to everyone's reactions afterwards was even better.

“He had a twin brother all along? That's the big reveal we've all been waiting for?” Mabel asked incredulously.

“What a rip-off!” Grenda yelled.

“The fandom came up with that theory over a year ago.” Soos said.

“Eh, I dunno if I buy it.” Stan said. “Speaking as an actual evil twin here, I wouldn't shoot my brother, I'd just go around disguised as him and make trouble. Y'know, just to mess with him.”

Mabel scoffed and punched Stan in the shoulder playfully. “Pfft, you're not an evil twin!”

Stan put on his best evil grin. “You sure about that, sweet-heart?” The others all laughed.

“Still, it was nice to watch the finale without any distractions or games or family getting in the way.” Soos said. “Can you imagine if like, some paranormal thingum showed up right before the show started?”

Everyone laughed again, relieved that, for once, it had just been a normal, adventure-free day.

Ford came up from the lab the next morning, not even attempting to stifle an enormous yawn. He was exhausted. After an admittedly much needed break playing DDMD with Dipper yesterday, he'd spent the whole night working. Now at long last, the portal was dismantled. After all these years, he could finally sleep without the dread of knowing that monstrosity of a machine was waiting below to swallow the world whole.

No, now he just had to worry about the rift. Which was really just as bad, if not worse. After all these years of working on it, the portal was a danger that Ford knew well. The rift was something he knew very little about. Could it be contained permanently, or would he constantly be working to keep the rift out of Bill’s clutches for the rest of his life?

Oh well, another morning had come, and the world had yet to end. He'd better grab some breakfast, or Mabel would be on his case. Ford wondered idly who he’d find in the kitchen this morning. Stanley emptying to fridge, giving him a contemptuous glare before ignoring him entirely? The kids, planning some sort of workaholic intervention?

It was Stan, idly sipping a cup of coffee and wearing a painfully bright red and gold Hawaiian shirt.

“Stanley, where did you get that?!” Ford asked. Surely he didn't get such an outfit beyond the portal.

“Found it.” Stan replied coolly.

“Just because you're hanging around the house all day doesn't mean you can dress like a street light.”

“I'm not hanging around the house, I'm going into town with Mabel. Think I'll tell her I found this in your closet, too.”

“You're going out?!”

“Yeah, can't stay cooped up in this shack all the time.”

“O-of course not… I just… got the impression you didn't feel ready for such a big step yet.”

“And what makes you think you're an expert on what I feel suddenly!?” Stan snapped.

Ford recoiled, like his brother’s words had physically stung him. “Sorry. I’m actually happy to hear you’re going to get a bit of fresh air, meet some new people.

“What do you care?” Stan grunted sullenly.

“Why is it so hard for you to believe I actually care about you!?” Ford asked in exasperation.

“Aw, gee, could it be the fact that you left me stranded for thirty krutacking years!?”

“Well, I wouldn’t have exactly been saving you if I brought you home just in time for the end of the world!”

“Or maybe it’s the fact that as soon as I got back you recreated one of the worst days of my life and told me to take the kids and go!”

Stanford felt his temper flare. “I will do whatever it takes to protect this family! That may not always match up with what you want, Stanley! Don’t go guilting me for trying to protect you and the kids!”

Stan didn’t seem to have a retort for that. He just left in a huff. Ford found some grim satisfaction in getting the last word, but it was a very hollow victory. The old researcher spent all day cooped up in his lab, wishing he could talk to his brother, and then the moment Ford actually worked up the courage to talk to Stan, it quickly devolved into a shouting match.

“What is wrong with me?” He sighed forlornly, and smacked his head against the kitchen table.

Stan had wanted to leave rather quickly that morning, but Mabel wasn’t bothered. She liked to get an early start on the day. They began their walk into town talking about Stan’s bold fashion choices. Apparently he’d rummaged through Ford’s old clothes and found the brightest, loudest, most over-the-top apparel he could. Mabel assured her Grunkle that it was very chic and fashion-forward. The conversation drifted to Mabel’s love of sweaters and where she got her design ideas from. The young girl found that Stan was a very good listener, always chiming in at the right moment with his own joke or opinion. Their humor and personalities meshed together well.

Once they got into town, Mabel started the grand tour of Gravity Falls, Oregon, hitting all the places where she and Dipper had adventures over the summer.

“Here’s the arcade! Dipper brought one of the games to life with a magic cheat-code!” Mabel said as they entered the darkened building.

“Uh Mabel, I’m pretty sure we had these when I left.” Stans squinted, waiting for his eyes to adjust.

“Yeah, but that was back in the 80’s, when arcades were struggling to maintain relevance in the face of the increasing popularity of home consoles. These days arcades have found a niche market that brings together both oldschool nerdcore gamers and casual nostalgic gamers, both classic standing cabinets and cutting-edge AR.” A voice said to their right.

“Soos!” Mabel exclaimed when she turned and saw her friend holding a plastic toy guitar.

“‘Sup dudes.” Soos greeted them. “I’m here playing Power Chords of Death, how ‘bout you?”

“I’m showing Grunkle Stan around Gravity Falls, so he can see what it’s like living in 2012!” Mabel told him.

“Sweet! You wanna play a modern-day videogame?” Soos asked Stan.

Stan gave him a surprised look. “Really?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Well I’ve only got one arm, for starters.” Stan said dryly.

“No problem, dude.” Soos assured him. “We got a left-handed controller over here. All you really have to do with your other hand is hit the strummer in time with the beat, so if I just…” He got down on his hands and knees and started messing with the wiring, “...switch this bit from that doohickey… and move this here… oop, almost electrocuted myself! ...There!” he stood back up. “I rigged it so now you can use the foot-pedal from the drum instead of the strummer!”

Stan hadn’t actually been interested in playing (he’d never really cared for video games that weren’t gambling-related) but now that the guy had gone through all this trouble, he felt obligated to play. He was pleasantly surprised anyone would go to such lengths just to include him. He didn't want to seem ungrateful.

“Alright, let’s give it a shot.”

“Oooh, Grunkle Stan, you should play Danger-Lane to Highway Town!” Mabel suggested. “It’s the only song on this game I know all the words to!”

“What? I’ve never even heard of that song!”

“That’s cuz it’s from a movie that came out in ‘86. It’s ok if you don’t know the song, you just have to hit the same colored button as the one on the screen when it reaches the picture of the guitar at the bottom.” Soos explained. “This is a co-op game, so I’ll be playing the notes on the right side of the screen. This game has a thing where if your partner chokes, you can save them.”

“Uh… good?” Choke? What was he talking about? What was there to choke on?

The music started up, and Stan saw the colored buttons start scrolling down the screen. He pressed the corresponding button on the neck of the guitar as it reached the bottom, but nothing seemed to happen.

“You gotta tap your foot in time with the music!” Soos reminded him.

Stan started tapping the pedal Soos had rigged up for him, then looked back at the screen and watched the colored buttons scroll by again. This time, as he pressed the buttons, the toy guitar he was holding started to play music! The same music that was coming out of Soos’s guitar and the game console! Well, almost the same. Stan’s sounded a little distorted, and cut out whenever he missed a button. But he got better as the song went on. All those years of honing his hand-eye coordination with that paddle-ball were finally paying off! Mabel joined in singing once they reached the lyrics.

As they played, arcade-goers began to gather around and watch. It started with just a few, but news that an old, one-armed guy with a scraggly beard and crazy clothes was playing Power Chords of Death spread quickly.

“Whoa, he’s actually not terrible!”

“Look at him go!”

“His adequacy is amazing!”

“I am impressed because he is both old and disabled. But mostly because he’s old.”

“Soos, did you rewire one of my games again!?”

“This is gonna get so many views online.”

They had quite the crowd going by the time the manager threw them out.

They continued on with their tour to the library and the museum and the pool and the local newspaper. In each place Mabel told a story, sometimes assisted by Soos. Stories like putting together an epic sock-puppet show that was crashed by Bill, or the 8 ½ president lost to time, or her first kiss with a merman, or meeting a creepy reporter. In each place Mabel went out of her way to introduce Stan to everyone. And while she was doing this, Stan noticed a few things.

Everyone knew Mabel. A lot of people knew Soos, but they had yet to come across a single person who didn’t know Mabel. And she greeted each and every person like they were an old friend, even if as they walked away Mabel occasionally said something like “That’s Toby Determined. He’s messed up.” or “That’s Bud Gleeful! His son tried to kill us!”

“You kids come here every summer?” Stan asked.

“Nope! This summer is our first time coming here to Gravity Falls!” Mabel replied.

It was incredible how quickly Mabel had endeared herself (or at least introduced herself) to the whole town. Sure, Gravity Falls wasn’t exactly an overpopulated urban center, but it wasn’t the sticks either. They had a mall and a mini golf place, which didn’t really scream rural. The way she seemed to know everyone was an impressive feat.

The other thing Stan noticed was really driven home when they reached the police station.

“This is where me and Dipper broke Grunkle Ford out of jail from the government guys! You remember them! That was the day you got here!” Mabel pointed to the jail excitedly.

“Oh yeah, that was the day I had to throw down those agent dudes!” Soos remembered.

“Wait wait wait, lemme get this straight. You an’ your brother busted Ford outta there while it was crawlin’ with feds single-handed?” Stan asked incredulously.

“Well, we did get some help from Tyler and all the other guys at the bar to keep them from following us while we escaped,” the girl clarified, “But other than that, yeah!”

The look on Stan’s face was not just one of shock, but of a growing dread. This was lost on Mabel.

“One more stop to go!” She led them to Greasy's Diner. That lifted Stan’s spirits immediately. Mabel pointed out some local delicacies on the menu: Lumberflapjacks, beavertail steaks, roadkill ravioli, and of course, the waitress’ special: coffee omelette. Stan ordered the special out of morbid curiosity.

“Hmmm…” He chewed the rubbery omelette thoughtfully, “s’not terrible, once you get past the burnt coffee taste. Woulda killed for one of these when I was lost in the Hailfire Peaks on Raretania 2.”

“If you like it, you should go tell Lazy Susan yourself!” Mabel suggested. “Maybe if you two start talking you’ll get to know each other better! You could even ask her for her number!”

“What, the classy lady over by the cabinet? She seems way out of my league…” Stan trailed off, “Waaaaait a sec, you didn’t bring me here just to try and set me up with some stranger, did you?”

“What? No.” Mabel denied, “I just knew since you like weird local food so much you’d love the diner. And when I saw Susan I remembered she had a crush on Grunkle Ford earlier this summer, but he didn’t reciprocate. So I thought, since you guys look just alike, she might like you too.”

Stan nearly choked on what was left of his omelette.

“Are you ok?” Mabel asked in alarm, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything! I should have just left it alone! Dipper’s right, I do get too involved in other people’s romance!”

Stan thumped his chest with his remaining hand a couple of times and finally swallowed the food down the right tube. “Ha-hack, s’fine, just… just the first time I’ve ever heard of somebody havin’ a crush on Ford. Caught me off-guard.”

Mabel sighed with relief. “Good. So you’ll go talk to her?”

“Nope.” Stan grunted.

“Aw, come on Grunkle Stan!” the girl complained. “I’ve introduced you to half the town, and so far the only person you’ve hit it off with is Soos!”

“Don’t take it personally kid, I don’t plan on gettin’ emotionally attached to anyone in this town. ‘Cept you kids, course.”  The old con man said.

“Grunkle Stan, maybe if you just give some of these people a chance, you’d want to stay here in Gravity Falls.”

“Mabel, this whole town is quelfed!” Stan exclaimed.

“What do you mean?” Mabel asked in confusion.

Her uncle sighed wearily, and took it from the top. “My brother may not think so, but I do realize what a big risk it was to open the portal and bring me back. I know what kind of consequences we’re dealin’ with here. I know Ford’s workin’ on sealin’ that rift, but Bill’s comin’. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. And when he does… well, I’m not so worried about you an’ your brother, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like you two are survivors. You’ll find a way to make it together.

“But these townspeople? They barely know up from down! They don’t realize they got monsters running around in the woods, they line up around the block just to get a look at a party thrown by shazbots who won’t even let them in when a ghost is threatenin’ them, and they couldn’t keep my stupid brother locked up for more than a few hours! I thought my only hope was gonna be to fight Bill when I got the chance, but now… now it looks like we’re gonna have to settle for survive.”

“We can still fight Bill!” Mabel insisted. “We’ve beat him before!”

“Yeah, but he keeps on comin’ back. I’ve been lookin’ for a way to beat Bill for good the last twelve years.” Stan paused a moment, debating whether or not he should tell this story.  “You remember that story I told you ‘bout the time I invited Bill an’ my brother into my dream at the same time, and I found out Ford’s portal was operational, but he wasn’t gonna open it? Well, after that, things got weird. Well, weirder. I’d let Bill into my mind, and he wasn’t about to let me forget it. He couldn’t take control of me like a lot of other idiots who’d made a deal with him, but he was in my head day and night, messin’ with me, makin’ me see things. I was already in bad shape, I couldn’t take care of my stump properly by myself, I was still on the run from the royals I’d stolen the star rubies from, and Bill messin’ with my head on top of that wasn’t makin’ things any easier. I would’ve been a goner if it hadn’t been for her.”

“Her?” Mabel asked.

“Some giant space chick called Jheselbraum.” While Stan’s words weren’t exactly reverent, his voice certainly was. His tone softened considerably, and he lowered his gaze as if momentarily lost in a memory. “She’s the nicest person I’ve ever met, if not the nicest person in the multiverse. She swooped in an’ took me to her super-secret lair in the mountains, fixed me up, set me straight about Bill and what the jerk wanted with me an’ my brother, never expectin’ a single thing in return. She even gave me a way to keep Bill outta my head, even if it meant I wouldn’t be able to talk with Ford in my dreams anymore. Honestly, that seemed more like an extra perk at the time.” He leaned over the table towards Mabel and parted the hair at the back of his head, revealing an irregular patch of white. “Put a frellin’ metal plate in my head. See where the hair’s gone weird? That’s from the scar. I started growin’ my hair out to cover it up.

“Anyway, where was I… oh yeah. Once Jheselbraum explained what Bill’s deal was to me, I figured out he was the reason my brother wouldn’t open the portal. It was pretty obvious I’d have to get rid of that monster if I wanted to get home. No Bill, no reason Ford shouldn’t open the portal. So Jheselbraum set me up with a robo-arm, gave me a few pointers on Bill, and sent me on my way.

“Right before I left, she told me I’d see my family again. It took so long, I started wonderin’ if she was messin’ with me the whole time, but… here I am. Never should’ve doubted her.”

“So wait, if you spent all that time looking for a way to beat Bill, you must’ve found some stuff that can help us, right?” Mabel asked hopefully.

The old con man sighed. “It’s hard to learn anything about someone like Bill. Anyone who ever did know anything about him is either on his side, driven insane, or dead. For all those years of searchin’, it seemed like all I ever found was dead ends… until…” He looked around surreptitiously. “Hey, is that cute waitress watchin’ us?”

“No.”

“Anybody else?”

“I don’t think so.”

“That’ll have to do. There a bathroom in this place?”

“Yeah, follow me!” Mabel led her uncle to the restroom. He gave another fruitive glance to make sure no one and nothing was watching, grabbed Mabel by the wrist, and darted through the door.

“Hey! This is the boy’s bathroom! I can’t be in here!” Mabel protested.

“Hey, keep it down!” Stan shushed her as he carefully inspected the bathroom graffiti. He found one that was vaguely triangle-shaped and slapped a square of wet toilet paper over it.

“And I thought Grunkle Ford was paranoid…” Mabel muttered under her breath.

“Ok.” The old man nodded, satisfied that there was no way they were being watched. He twisted the round end of his staff, revealing a hidden compartment. “Feast your eyes on this!”

The end of the staff glowed blue, until Mabel looked directly at it. Then, there was just a plain old chunk of rock. “Uh, this is just a pebble.”

“Not exactly. It’s like some sorta quantum thingy. Like Schrodinger’s Cat or whatever.” Stan explained. Mabel looked at him blankly.

“Uh, when you look at it, it’s normal. When you look away, it’s radioactive and junk..” He tried again.

“Oooooookaaaaaay.” Mabel said slowly. That made slightly more sense.

“So not too long ago, maybe second-to-last dimension I was in before I got back here, I ran into a parallel universe version of Ford, where he somehow managed to fix the portal so it wouldn’t work for Bill with some help from his friend/assistant guy. But Bill still had control of Ford. It was my brother’s dream come true, but he couldn’t even be on the same floor as the portal without that jerk monster taking hold of him. Obviously, they were pretty invested in gettin’ rid of Bill too. So assistant guy and I use the good portal to go lookin’ for some theoretical elements or whatever that could ‘disrupt Bill’s extradimenstional form’ or somethin’ like that. Honestly, a lot of what they were sayin’ went over my head. What I got out of it was we were gonna make a gun to blow up Bill.

“Anyway, me an’ the assistant guy went to some super-bizarro-paradox world where we found this.” He gestured with his stump to the plain looking rock sitting in the hidden compartment of his staff. “We were in the middle of arguing over what to call it when his parallel/bizarro version showed up an’ he had to split. The jerk left me behind! Luckily I already had my own resources for dimension-hopping by then, but still! I’d wanted to talk to them about what they’d done to fix the portal and pass it on to my Ford somehow, but I never got the chance. So I had a piece of quantum junk that might be the key to beatin’ Bill, and no idea what to do with it.

“But in the end, none of it mattered. I showed up here maybe a week later. Turns out I didn’t have to fight Bill to get home. I’ll just have to fight him if I want it to stay home. And so far, I’m not likin’ the looks of my allies.” He said gravely as he closed the compartment in his staff.

“Hmm…” Mabel was deep in thought. “This assistant guy… did he have a really big nose, talk like a crazy robot-obsessed Colonel Sanders, and play the banjo?”

“Uh, yes to the first two, not sure about the last one.”

“That must have been parallel McGucket! Maybe he and Grunkle Ford can figure out what their parallel versions were gonna do with it!” Mabel suggested.

Stan grumbled. “I was afraid you were gonna say somethin’ like that.”

Mabel took his hand gently. “Grunkle Stan, I know you’re really mad at your brother right now, but you both wanna stop Bill and protect your family, right?”

“...Yeah.” Stan huffed.

“And the best way to do that is to work together, right?”

“Alright, I get it! That doesn’t mean I gotta like it. Now come on, let’s get outta here.” He climbed on top of the toilet and opened the window.

“Why are you trying to climb out the window?” Mabel asked.

“I don’t have any money to pay for lunch, do you?”

It was nice and cool in the shade of the forest as they walked home that afternoon.

“Thanks for today, kiddo. I feel a lot better gettin’ that all off my chest.” Stan thanked the young girl skipping beside him. “Sorry to dump all that on you, though.”

“Pch, that’s what family’s for, dum-dum!” Mabel pushed him playfully.

“Eh…” the old man shrugged. “Oh, hey, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t repeat any of that to Ford or your brother. It’s kinda… personal.”

Mabel made an exaggerated face of thinking it over. “Ok, but only if you promise you’ll tell them yourself!”

“Yeah, sure, I promise. Whatever.”

Stanley had to be going soft. He actually felt bad for lying to her like that.