#in general i like to stitch but if i get stuck in big focus mode it can be bad

[dare-g]

Tbh I haven't been on here a lot this week cause I had been focused on that stitch so bad to the extent I wasn't letting myself have breaks and I was staying up late to keep doing it and tbh after so many days it was just making me feel sick/stressed.. but I did make myself go see Stopmotion anyway cause I had been looking forward to it and im going to be out of town the next couple days.. anyway Stopmotion was a horror film centered around the creation process artist go through and how putting yourself into your art can effect you ect and tbh it just made me feel worse

[xtolovers]

The Best Of Us

The Last of Us Joel/OC  Rating:M

AO3

Joel and Ellie nearly die on their way back to Jackson,  Wyoming.  Traumatized, tired and with a tentative new bond between  them, they move forward into a new, very different life. Luckily there  are new friends to be found that are not easily deterred by their wounds  and flaws. And there is a woman who likes to laugh, to get into other  people's business and help and heal were she can. Maybe she can help  heal their bond. Maybe she can move more. It has been long since either of them had a home.     

Chapter 2: Nursing Suspicions     

Something wet splashed in his face and washed the darkness away with it. Slowly he blinked his eyes open. “Welcome back to the land of the living.” The woman was kneeling above him, with a soft smile and a canteen in her hand, the pale purple sky above her.  Passed out again, goddamnit. With a grunt he took her outstretched hand and together, they heaved him up to his feet. Relieved, Joel found that the world had stopped spinning. “Also kinda the land of the dead.” The woman— Liv, it came back to him— rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue up at the teen peeking over the edge down at him. “Very helpful Jesse. Maybe he’s got amnesia— is this how you wanna break it to him?” “He fell into  mud  Liv. ” “Men have forgotten more over less.” “ Or so they’ve told you.” She laughed, but quickly concealed it as an outraged gasp. “You just wait till I get up there and we’ll see how big you’re talking then.” “Well, come on up then.”

She turned to him then, but Joel looked around, half expecting Ellie ’s stretcher to lie on the ground, only to find it nowhere to be seen. A tap on his shoulder drew his attention to a branch and the tip of a sneaker, barely visible over the ridge. Apparently they’d managed to grab on before he blacked out. Liv nodded towards the spruce-ladder. “You ready? I’ll go behind you.” She looked confident in her assessment, but he was a good head taller, and a lot heavier than her. “Doubt you can catch me.” “No, but I’m soft. I’ll cushion the fall,” she said with a grin, and to his mortification, he could feel his cheeks warm. “Ah, there. A little color. Well, if you fall, I’ll have to climb down again anyhow, so I’ll just spare myself the trip. Now. Up you go.”

Happy to look at nothing for a minute, Joel followed her instruction and set about climbing out of the ditch. It was both easier and more difficult than he’d have thought; easier to traverse, but exhausting physically. Every muscle in his body was straining, his whole body felt heavy as lead. After the first three feet he nearly lost consciousness again, his left foot slipping from its hold, and he sliced his leg open on the cut-off branch. A round of curses erupted — not just from him — and he held on for a second, gathering himself. He bit the inside of his cheek and nodded his quiet acknowledgment that he was okay, before he slowly continued his way upward. Above him, both men had lain down at the edge of the ditch, reaching towards him, ready to help, and as soon as he got close enough, they grabbed onto him and nearly lifted him up just by themselves. With a mumbled  thanks  he hobbled over to Ellie and collapsed next to her, relieved to find her safe. He tried to untie her binds, and the kid next to him bent down to help as he saw Joel struggle — his fingers were weak and his skin chaffed raw from his efforts to climb the ditch throughout the last days. While they were working, Eugene bent down again and lifted Liv over the edge, clapping her shoulder good-naturedly afterwards, sending her staggering. The man was tall, broad-shouldered and clearly strong, his wild mane of greying curls the only thing making him look less threatening. “All right. Let me see your ankle real quick.” Liv wiped her hands on her jeans and knelt down at his feet. She made quick work of it, cleaning the wound with a rag and some water Jesse handed her, before she tied the rag around his leg to stem the bleeding. “Not too deep, but I’ll probably have to stitch it up later.” She stood and exhaled heavily before studying the sky. “Let’s take them up to the lodge, then we can make some food and clean up. See how we go from there.” Eugene nodded. “Sounds like a plan. You’re better riding with me, buddy. Can’t have you fall of the horse if you black out again.” He wanted to argue, but Liv declared that she’d take Ellie so she could keep an eye on her, and as much as Joel didn’t want anybody to split them up, he knew that they were right. He’d have to trust them— no help if he keeled over with both of them on the horse. “All right.” He accepted Eugene's hand and climbed up in front of him.

Liv carefully lead the way, trying to keep Apollo steady beneath her so the girl wouldn’t get shaken up too badly. She was burning up in her arms, the fever doing it’s best to burn off the infection, but without a proper exam, Liv was worried about her state. The last patrol that came through had been a week ago, and the rains had started after, but by the looks of them, they’d been down there for  days. “  What ’s her name?” She glanced over her shoulder to Joel, who was watching her like a hawk. “Ellie.” His voice was still raspy from disuse. There was no doubt he was Tommy’s brother; they shared the same eyes and jaw, and while Liv hadn’t met him, Tommy had told her his brother had been at the plant back in autumn. What troubled her more was the haunted look the familiar eyes held— she was used to seeing traumatized people, their world made sure of that enough, but Joel looked like trauma on legs. His whole focus was on the girl in her arms, she could feel his eyes boring into her back, or rather,  through  her, always careful, always calculating, making sure they weren ’t harming her, although she could see him fighting it, trying to push down the impulses of survival. Maybe she should be more careful— there was something almost…  feral about him, and she had seen the look that crossed his eyes when she suggested lifting the girl out of the pit, a look that calculated what leverage Liv could give him if he attacked her, should any harm come to the girl — but he was also barely standing, and she had Eugene and Jesse with her. She figured that as soon as they were safe and she could patch them up, he ’d relax, too. He was in survival mode, something she knew all too well. So she made sure to stay in sight, to keep him calm and move slowly. Jesse kept bickering with her, apparently picking up on her carefully kept ease and trying to help her, bless his heart. Eugene was silent for once, but didn’t look bothered at all. Then again, little ever bothered Eugene. About half an hour later, the roof of the ski lodge came into view over the tree tops. They hadn’t seen stragglers in weeks, but she’d rather be too careful than be surprised with two injured people under her care. On her sign, they dismounted, and she handed the girl to Joel, who looked almost ghostly pale. She tried to catch a look at his ankle, but as far as she could tell, there was at least no fresh blood. After she dismounted, she took her bow and arrows over and nodded to Jesse, who dutifully shouldered his rifle. “Well go and see if it’s clear, just to be safe. You stay here with them.” “Is this some kind of comment about my sneaking skills?” Eugene scoffed, but Liv saw the glint in his eyes. She patted his cheek as they moved past them. “So glad we understand each other, Eugene.” At her nod, Jesse and she left the path and sunk into the woods, deciding to approach from the side, where they wouldn’t be spotted as easily. Jesse stayed next to her, and she felt fondness well up for him. He was a good guy: responsible, level-headed, loyal to a fault. This was the fourth patrol she was doing with him— he’d just turned sixteen and had started his training with her out in the field.

For the last months, he’d been stationed to help her out at the Med Bay, and had impressed her thoroughly by never flinching or hesitating to wash, shave or massage body parts that weren’t his own, something most struggled with. All Jackson inhabitants landed as her apprentices now and then, so they’d learn something and Jackson wouldn’t be left without medical help should something happen to her, but most that came were either squeamish in general, or expected only to treat the most gruesome wounds, cut some flesh and set some bones, easily forgetting that most of her work still was  nursing  . Jesse however, despite clearly having goals to fulfill a different role in the community later, had taken on his duty with a grace that was uncommon for his age, and had been an immense help. That ’s why she was out here in the first place— everyone had patrol duty now and then, but Liv had made up some excuses about checking up on the first-aid stashes they kept at the outposts, opting to take Jesse with her as her current apprentice. This had the benefit of also counting as patrol training, effectively qualifying him to apply for group patrols after his service with her was over. Liv had the feeling he knew what she was doing, but neither had breached the subject. For her, it wasn’t necessary, Jesse, she was sure, didn’t want to say something, afraid that might make him look insecure. His carefully crafted grave maturity was important to him, in the hopes of securing the bigger responsibilities he craved. Liv, unable to try and be helpful, had almost pulled him aside when he first came under her tutelage, and told him to loosen up a bit, but she soon found that Jesse wasn’t uptight at all— unless there was responsibility to be carried, so she let him be. No, he was alright. As always, she didn’t have to tell him much. He was new to this, but not new to reading her body language and understanding what she wanted without many words, and he was a natural. Jesse wasn’t the first teen she’d taken along, but he was the best, and she was proud of how far he’d go. They stalked the perimeter of the building, just behind the tree line, but found no movement anywhere. On her sign, they rushed to the doors, and as he slid the doors slightly open, she peered in, bow drawn taunt. “Clear.” They slipped inside, and Liv exchanged her bow for the revolver that she’d stuck into the back of her jeans. They split up, methodically screening the side- and backrooms, before meeting up to check the hallway that went back out to the utility sheds and the old abandoned parking lot, but found nothing. Relieved, they dropped their cautious stance and made their way back through and down to the others. “You really think that’s Tommy’s brother?” She threw a glance at Jesse, but he seemed more curious than bothered. “Yeah. Tommy told me he already passed through a couple of months ago. Besides, they got the same eyes.” “If they were already here, why didn’t they stay?” “I don’t know.” Liv had asked Tommy the same, and he’d closed off and said they had something else to do. She knew Tommy well, and the way he’d evaded her had made her neck tingle. Still, if Tommy didn’t feel like disclosing it to  her  , Jesse didn ’t need to know more, even if it were only her guesses. “He said they still had some business to wrap up somewhere, but that they might come back after.” Which wasn’t entirely true. Tommy had said that  Joel might return, and from the way he said it it sounded like it ’d be a couple of weeks at most. When winter came around, Liv felt like Tommy deflated a bit, and she’d theorized it had to do with his brother not returning. When she asked, he’d brushed her off again. At least Jesse seemed satisfied with the answer. “Seems like they’ve been through some stuff. You think his daughter will live?” She hesitated. “I can give a more confident answer about that in an hour.” The rest, she left unsaid. Liv knew that Joel’s daughter was dead; Tommy and she had often talked about Outbreak Day on their patrols, and she knew the story of how he saw his niece die that day, killed by a FEDRA soldier, and what it did to his brother. This girl was also too old to be another daughter; she had to be thirteen or fourteen, and Liv knew that Tommy and his brother had stuck together for a couple of years after the outbreak. If she were Joel’s, Tommy would’ve been there when she’d been born. She had no clue what was going on, but she was sure that she wouldn’t get any answers out of Tommy, or Joel for that matter. Especially not if I can   ’t keep them alive. “Clear?” Eugene called up to them when they came into sight, and Liv simply waved her arm. Eugene helped Joel up on Apollo and set Ellie in his arms, before he mounted himself and led them up the hill. Liv and Jesse turned around and walked back towards the lodge. “Can you get a fire going and boil some water for me?” With a nod, Jesse jogged ahead to the far side of the cabin where they stored some firewood, while Liv went over to the bar and grabbed the key they’d hidden on a small ledge beneath it. With it, she went to open the back room they kept locked, were they had stashed medicine, bandages, drinkable water and some non-perishable food rations. Usually the patrols carried their own rations with them, and they always kept something “free” to grab that they left outside their locked stashes, so stragglers would have something to eat and grab, but each watch post had a hidden stash for the Jackson patrols in case anything happened. While she grabbed what she needed, she heard Eugene talk outside, and as she stepped out of the room, Joel was stumbling inside, carrying the girl. “Put her down over here.” Liv gestured to one of the two sprawling couches surrounding the two luxurious fireplaces that hung free from the ceiling, in one of which Jesse was just piling up firewood. She dumped all she’d taken on a table that she pulled over, sat her backpack down and pulled out the sandwiches she’d taken with her. Then she shoved both her canteen with the slim rest of water that was still in it and the food in Joel’s hands. “Drink this, slowly, and then eat a couple of small bites. Just one or two,  slowly  . I know you ’re hungry— “ he interrupted her with a nod. “I know, otherwise I’ll just throw up.” He gave a small sardonic smile and a light bow of his head. “Not my first time starving, I’m afraid.” Liv sighed. “ Didn’t think so, but you’d be surprised by how many people will still make themselves sick despite knowing better.” “Hunger will do that to you.” “Well, be smarter.” Satisfied by his dutiful unscrewing of the bottle, Liv turned her attention to her work. Jesse had successfully started a fire and she sent him to fill up three pots of water and set them to boil, when Eugene came over to them. He was carrying the blanket from his bedroll— they’d planned on staying the night— and spread it over Ellie, who was now laid out comfortably on the sofa, before he settled against the armrest near her head. “Signed us in.” “Thanks.” “Anything I can help?” “ We’ve got that basin in the back. Could you fill that up with some water from the brook? Just to clean up.” He nodded and lumbered out, and for a couple of minutes, they all worked silently. Liv prepared some bandages and the small bottle of iodine she kept for emergencies, to treat the girls arm. For the smaller and less dangerous wounds, she got out some cloves of fresh garlic that she kept in her pack and had Jesse peel, crush and boil them. “ Garlic is the best natural disinfectant we have, vinegar helps too. Witch hazel helps with healing, and cherry bark acts as a painkiller if you boil it,” she explained to Jesse, and after showing him each, added them to the garlic water, then set some of the bandages in to soak. Eugene had prepared the small tub, poured the boiling water in and chased down a relatively soft cloth. Under Joel’s watchful eye, she first cut open Ellie’s sleeve, then the improvised bandage. The cut was deep, that was easy to see, even though it had scabbed over completely. The angry, red, swollen skin surrounding it was a bad sign, but it could be worse.

“Could be better, could be worse. I can treat her here, for now, but I’ll be much more relaxed the sooner we get her to Jackson. If you two leave now and ride fast, you’ll be back by sundown. I’ll give you a list for Ellen of things to prepare for me, and some I need for the way. Get Tommy, get a truck, get someone to relieve us for patrol, and come here at first light.” As expected, both complained. “That’s too dangerous.” “You’re alone with two injured people, it’s too risky.” “I know what I’m doing. We haven’t seen anyone in months. We’ll barricade the doors, and Joel is exhausted, not incapacitated. I’m pretty sure he can still hold a gun if necessary.” Eugene looked at her, and she knew exactly what he was thinking. That’s what’s worrying me. “It’ll be fine. It’s a risk we’ll have to take.” Before they could complain again, Liv mustered her best Maria impression. “No discussion. You can disagree all you want, I’m afraid I’ll have to pull rank here. Now, go. You’re losing light.” Jesse was displeased, that was easy to see, but Eugene knew her long enough. He clapped him on the back and they both went to their horses. Jesse gave her his bedroll and both of them tried to give her their food. She took half of it and insisted they eat the rest. “We’ve got rations here, and they shouldn’t eat that much anyways right away. If the kid wakes up at all tonight.” She rubbed her face wearily and shooed them off. “Hurry, but don’t risk anything, okay?” “Barricade the doors and keep the lights low. Keep out the generator at night.” “I will, but we need a fire.”

“We can see the lodge from the east gate, right?” Jesse asked. “I’ll stay up and take watch there with someone through the night. If you’re in trouble, flash the lights or give us a visual, and we’ll come and get you.”

“Someone like Dina, maybe?” Eugene asked as they mounted their horses, making Jesse blush quite a sensational shade of red and sending him mumbling. Trying his best to keep his dignity, he kicked his horse into a trot and started away from them. Eugene chuckled before he sobered up and pointed at her. “Be careful.” She gave him a mock-salute and he rolled his eyes before he turned to catch up with Jesse. When he caught up, both kicked their horses into a gallop, quickly vanishing around the corner. With an uneasy sigh, she grabbed Apollo by the reigns and led him inside the entry hallway. Let   ’s do this.

[ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes]

General *Finn Shelby*

anonymous asked:

Would you be open to writing anything with the brothers worrying about s4/s5 Finn?? Like him getting hurt protecting someone/doing something for them or getting some illness? No need for it to be a reader instert

          Tommy remembered receiving letters from Finn during the War. Granted, the boy didn’t know how to write so they were written in Polly’s handwriting. But they were utterly Finn’s words.

           How are you?

           Where are you now?

           You must have a lot of guns.

           Polly sent sweets.

           Miss you.

           Tommy cherished the letters and did his best to keep them from being destroyed by the rain and mud down in the trenches and tunnels.

           It was extraordinary how much the boy had grown. Even in years, Tommy spent fighting. When he came back, Finn was much taller and did his best to act the man of the house. After all, that’s who he had to be while his brothers were away.

           Once the family business took hold, Tommy noticed how much Finn tried to emulate his brothers. He and Isiah would frequently go out looking for trouble and women. They’d don their caps just to send a message. Tommy had to scold his baby brother a few times. Men who got too big for their britches were shot on the streets of Birmingham. Never mind that the young man made for a good target. Those who knew the Peaky Blinders knew that they were a tight-knit family. If an enemy was able to corner Finn, he could easily be used as ransom.

           Still, Finn was a Shelby man and they were never too fond of staying still and quiet. Being the youngest, he wanted to make a name for himself. According to his older brothers, he wanted to do it in the worst way possible.

           It just so happened it was a day where both Tommy and Arthur were in the betting shop. A rarity now that Tommy was an MP and spent more time working in London. Both brothers were discussing ledgers when the doors to the shop were opened.

           Isiah hauled Finn inside. The youngest Shelby clutching his side and relying heavily on his friend’s support. “Arthur!”

           The men came out, shocked to see Finn in such a state. “What happened?” Arthur demanded and hurried over. He helped Isiah get Finn sat down.

           “Some Irish fucker came outta nowhere and stabbed him,” Isiah explained. “Had to drag him down the block.”

           Tommy snapped into battle mode. Keep his fellow comrade alive and retaliate if necessary. “Arthur, go find the man.” He commanded. “Isiah, call for an ambulance.”

           Arthur was shaken. “Tom, he’s bleeding bad.” After losing John, the man was not prepared to lose another brother.

           However, Tommy was stuck in tunnel vision. He didn’t want to see the dark red blood seeping through his baby brother’s shirt. That would only distract him. “Do as I say!” He barked.

           Isiah hurried off to the phone while Arthur left the shop.

           “Tommy…” Finn gasped in pain. His face scrunched up and beads of sweat began to trickle down his temple.

           “Easy, brother,” Tommy said steadily and hurried to gather any pieces of cloth or towel he could find around the shop. He knelt down and tore open the shirt to get to the wound. With his heart pounding in his ears, he methodically applied pressure to the injured area.

           Finn hissed and flinched away from him. Tears formed in his eyes and he tried to keep his torso from jerking away. He had to be brave. He was a Shelby. Shelbys didn’t cry when they were hurt.

           “Hold that,” Tommy instructed and placed Finn’s hand over the makeshift bandages. He went back to his office to retrieve a bottle of whiskey. “Drink.” He popped open the bottle and gave it to his brother.

           Finn took a few swigs, making a face at the taste. “I didn’t see him coming, Tom.”

           “I know.”

           “I woulda cut him if I’d seen him coming. I tried to get him but he ran off like a fucking coward.” His voice broke from the aching pain.  

           “Sh, pral, you did good. It’s alright.” Tommy assured him. “Just keep breathing, ambulance will be here soon then we’ll get you stitched up. Arthur’ll find the man and he’ll be dealt with.”

           Finn took another drink of whiskey. “I want to do it. I want to kill him.” His chest heaved with anger and pain.

           “Arthur will do it.” Tommy shook his head and replaced some of the cloth that had gotten too saturated with blood. “We need to focus on getting you better.”

           “But he came after me, I deserve to finish him!” Finn explained, his face turning red.

           “What did Arthur and I tell you, aye? You’re a general, Finn.” Tommy grabbed him by the face so he was looking at him. “You don’t kill anyone, someone comes after you, you have men who finish the job for you.” He replied firmly. “Never forget that.”

           Finn wiped the tears and sweat from his face. He began to feel dizzy from the blood he was losing. Although he didn’t want to agree with Tommy, he decided it wasn’t the right time to argue. And most likely, by the time he was stitched up, the man who stabbed him would already be found floating in the canal. He wouldn’t get his own retribution.

           Isiah returned from calling for help. “They’re on their way. How much blood’s he lost?”

           “He’ll be alright,” Tommy answered. “Go wait outside for them. Keep your gun on hand.”

           The young man nodded and followed orders. A soldier listening to a general. Finn groaned and closed his eyes. It hurt being a foot soldier. But how else could he prove himself? He didn’t fight in the war, like his brothers. If he didn’t fight on the streets, then what more could he do?

           “You’ll be focusing on the football bets from now on,” Tommy said as if he could read his younger brother’s mind. “I’ll have no more of this.”

           Finn wiped his face again and kept his mouth shut. It hurt being a soldier.

Masterlist 

[gamersonthego]

Matt Giguere’s Top 10 Handheld Games of 2019

Handheld gaming is in a weird spot. Beyond the plethora of mobile devices running iOS or Android and the app store fronts they offer; the handheld market has now been distilled down to one major device in 2019. Lo and behold, Nintendo, once again sits alone on the hill. While the Switch has seen great gains in maintaining a constant flow of software on its platform, the vast majority of their releases are either mobile ports or older games from generations past. It is amazing on how much has been released so far, but what makes a handheld game a “handheld game” now anyway? When your choice can be a small bite sized game like BOXBOY! + BOXGIRL! or a massive single player game like Tales of Vesperia, there really isn’t much of a difference what a handheld platform can offer compared to the home consoles for the types of games that can be played. As the Nintendo 3DS and Sony PlayStation Vita sunset into their legacy years, there seems to be a wider line on what can be considered a handheld game.

Nintendo did release a portable only version of the Switch this year, dubbed the SwitchLite. Considering that most of my playtime has been in handheld mode, I picked one up shortly after release. After a few months of playtesting, I think this will be my go-to system for the foreseeable future. I adore the form factor size. The original Switch still works great for quick pick up and play in my home, but I find the new model easier to hold in my hands and store away when I’m travelling. The dedicated directional pad, as opposed to separate buttons because of the nature of the detachable joy-cons, is a big selling point for the myriad of 2D platformers now on the system. I sometimes miss the “HD Rumble” feedback that had to be cut, but that is a small gripe. If you don’t care for playing games on the big screen in a higher resolution and varying framerate, I highly recommend picking this dedicated handheld up.

Admittedly, a lot on my best of 2019 list are games that can be enjoyed on the big screen, especially with the convenience of the Switch’s hardware. Of the games I played this year, I think this smattering represents a healthy dose of what managed to present a case that gaming on the go is still well alive and ever changing.

Top 10 of 2019 or the Hollow Knight Memorial List*

*Sometimes when making a top list our favorite thing came out in a different year or is so clearly ahead it is a lock of number 1 across every critic. This year Hollow Knight from Team Cherry captivated me like nothing else that released this year. Alas, this game came out in 2017. So instead of placing it on my official list for 2019, it takes the honor of being my list’s name. This Metroidvania style exploration platformer is full of surprises, sometimes subverting my expectations when I thought there wasn’t anything left to uncover. If you have a Switch, I highly recommend checking out one of my favorite games in the genre since Metroid: Fusion.

10. My Friend Pedro (Switch, Xbox One, PC)

An action, score-based shooter that I’ve had my eye on for years since seeing the gif put out by publisher Devolver Digital and developer Dead Toast Entertainment. The nature of this very tricky to pull off and even harder to master game lies in its focus on style. Moving across short levels on a 2-D plane, you must, roll, spin, flip, kick, skate, and, of course, kill combo as many enemies to place a high score and a top rank. While there is a story to keep the drive of the game moving forward, I wouldn’t say that should be the guiding factor to check this out. Rather, I found the quick get up and quick play of a level or two perfect for on the go gaming. Once the controls click, this game really delivers on its promised “Bananas” style.

9. Untitled Goose Game (Switch, Xbox One, PS4, PC)

“What if Hitman, but a Goose?” is probably the most quoted pitch heard for this small, but very charming game by developer House House. In it you play as, well, a goose who terrorizes a small town from every front. From untying shoes so people trip to locking helpless victims in garages, no one is safe from this feathered menace! Okay, so the Hitman comparison is apt, minus the extreme brutality, for this sandbox-lite adventure. The best I can compare it to is an interactive toy; one that is unique in how the player can approach a situation and explore the possibilities of what can and will happen within the rules of the program. It might not have the deep experimentation of a larger game of its kind, but I found its calm and lighthearted nature makes this a very stress-free experience, especially when you are the one dealing out all the harassment.

8. SteamWorld Quest (Switch, PC)

I don’t normally go for card-based RPGs, but when Image & Form provide a new adventure in the SteamWorld universe, I had to check it out. This might be the one that changed my mind, because after several turns, I was hooked. The adventure itself keeps things relatively jovial with plenty of jokes and wit to keep the story moving forward. It can be easy to stick to one group of characters, a limit of three per battle, but I find more enjoyment in the battle system when different combinations are put into play. The battle system also provides linked combos that offer bonuses and stringing cards together in a row also adds more to the strategy. Building a potent strategy is where I found the most engagement in this RPG, and all the trappings around the edges made this one stand out in my mind. A good starting point in the genre for those curious.

7. Baba Is You (Switch, PC)

A tough logic puzzler I think goes the extra mile with its charm and style. You play as Baba. Or, rather, Baba is you, or a wall, or section of water, or a skull, or... well you get the point. The goal in each stage is to reach the “Win.” What is the “Win?” Most of the time it is a flag, but really it can be anything. Using a simple push function mechanic that many top-down puzzlers have used before, the twist comes in that you can have these sentence blocks to push around and affect the game’s logic. For example, if the winning object is out of reach by a wall that forces you stop (“Wall is Stop”) you can push one of the sentence blocks away so you can pass through the wall. Even making a sentence to “You is Win” will also result in a victory. The difficulty can be a bit stiff, but I would often find myself just thinking about a stuck puzzle while out and about and think of the solution as a sort of epiphany. Even when getting stuck on a tricky brain teaser, the game offers multiple paths so you can keep progressing through. Certainly, Baba Is You has been on my mind since first playing it.

6. What The Golf? (Apple Arcade, PC, Switch TBD)

If Desert Golf is the pinnacle zen of the golf sport genre, What The Golf? embodies its “party mindset.” Yes, it is golf, and yet, it becomes something more than just golf. Sometimes you will find yourself having to hop across a very familiar level. Other times you will have to coordinate trick shots while being an exploding barrel. And sometimes, there’s just good old-fashioned bowling. What The Golf? will keep you on your toes, especially if you are fond of video games released prior to this. I won’t spoil some of the surprises in store, but some of them had me in stitches from laughing so hard. It would be nice to fully outright buy this game on the iOS App Store, but for now, a subscription to Apple Arcade is the only way to play this on the go.

5. Sayonara Wild Hearts (Switch, Apple Arcade, PS4, PC)

Another Apple Arcade exclusive for mobile (you can also buy it on the Switch at this time), this one showcasing music and style. If there is one thing that counts in making an impression on me, it’s presentation. Sayonara Wild Hearts is described as a pop album video game; one you experience as much as you listen to. The format seems simple at first. Guide your character along the track and collect different items for points to rank a high score while also dodging obstacles. Soon though, things start to mix up as fast as the soundtrack’s BPMs start to pump up. While the touch controls are adequate, I think for certain spots, a physical controller would have been nice. However, there are movements that are far easier to pull off using a touch interface, such as time hits reminiscent of music games like Elite Beat Agents. This gem of a game needs to be experienced at least once, not only for the wonderful soundtrack, composed by Daniel Olsen and Jonathan Eng and featuring Linnea Olsson on vocals, but also to see the twists and turns the game takes. This little game surprised the hell out of me, and I think it will be one that I will revisit again based on its production.

4. Ape Out (Switch, PC)

Sometimes we all need to get out. Especially when you are an ape stuck in a cage. That’s the conceit of the top-down, twin stick, hyper violent, and super stylized game, Ape Out. There is one goal: Be the ape and get the hell out! The concept is very rudimentary which I feel allows the game to shine. You will have to run, dodge, grab and toss enemies to reach the exit while the only advantage is being able to take three hits before going down. Enemies have guns that the player can’t use in the typical way. Instead, grabbing a foe allows one immediate shot to be fired from the grappled target. Used strategically, it can get you out of a lot of close calls. Other enemies can have bombs or body armor to keep this from being too repetitive and thanks to the game’s art style, they all look distinct so there’s no confusion on who you are fighting. Levels are procedurally generated as well, so even thinking on memorizing enemy patterns doesn’t always work. The fluorescent color palette and very minimalist style, like that of a Saul Bass movie poster, highlights the chaos and violence without making it too gross or unappealing. Even the soundtrack is minimalistic, utilizing only jazz percussion that plays out dynamically as the action plays out in real time. A feast for the eyes and a challenge on the thumbs.

3. Katana Zero (Switch, PC)

Taking a page from one hit kill action games like Hotline Miami, Katana Zero plays out at first like a typical note from the genre, right down to its ‘80s aesthetic. You clear room after room of enemies, slashing with your katana, wall jumping to high points, and focusing time to slow down and either dodge or reflect projectiles. A lot of this game is a throwback thanks to its choice of graphics, 2D platforming and story points from movies like Drive and Leon: The Professional. It is thanks to the presentation that makes this game shine for me. The story, music, graphics and gameplay presentation are what makes Katana Zero so high on my list. Clearing rooms is fast paced and quick, with messing up only taking several seconds to get back into the fray. While the loop of the game can get a bit repetitive, there are plenty of surprises that change up the standard formula of the game as you progress. The story does a nice job of not only driving things forward, but also tying in gameplay concepts into the narrative. The music is a healthy blend of synthwave and some very heavy and experimental electronic tunes (one that I’ve had on repeat most of the year). The overall games is fairly short and ends on a bit of a cliffhanger, but there are speedrunning modes and secrets to uncover from replaying. Katana Zero stands as one of the best independent games this year.

2. Fire Emblem: Three Houses (Switch)

There was a time when Fire Emblem was on the ropes, becoming a lagging franchise that was not connecting with strategy enthusiasts on the home consoles. Then in 2013, things changed with the release of Fire Emblem: Awakening on the 3DS. Nintendo and Intelligent Systems had intended that game to be the last in the series. Instead, we got another 3 (and 1/2) games released on the 3DS this past decade. Now it’s time to pass the torch onto the Switch and boy did they deliver on a packed adventure! Instead of just following one or two paths like most FE campaigns, Three Houses offer up to four different story playthroughs that each roughly takes about 50 hours or more to complete. There is also a vast amount of customization thanks to the setting being centered around a military school and teaching classes. If you love watching meters and bars fill up, there are tons of those to be had in Three Houses. Even though not every aspect is well thought out (the amiibo gazebo comes to mind, even though it is the best named mechanic), the cast of characters and support conversations (all fully voice acted) provide some rich storytelling from a character development standpoint. Do check out this game as it is one of the best in the series.

1. Tetris 99 (Switch)

“Where are we dropping, Blocks?” In a personal first for me, a multiplayer game has taken my number one spot. Tetris 99 is just that. Tetris. However, it’s you versus 98 other players in a battle royal style completion. Released as a free download to Nintendo Switch Online subscribers, it now has multiple versions that can be bought as well. Thanks to constant updates and weekend tournaments, the online community is still strong, so finding matches is quick and painless. Playing against such a wide number of challengers turns the typical Tetris strategy on its head. Racking up combos instead of quickly clearing lines, for example, is one way to secure victory, but leaving too many gaps and holes can prove disastrous if you suddenly become the target of a handful of players. Even though I have yet to secure a 1st place finish, the nature of Tetris keeps me coming back for more. Whether it’s facing against bots, friends, marathoning solo or playing the featured battle royal, this is a fun version of Tetris to be had.

[starfaring-princelotor]

First Touch

Summary: Medic!Reader tends to Lotor’s wounds, but the Prince doesn’t make it easy for the good doctor.

★ Disclaimer: I do not ship Lotura and I respectfully ask that this story to not be tagged as Lotura. This is a Lotor x Reader/Self-Insert OC story which is in no way related to Allura at all. Please be respectful of my chosen pairing.  ★

Touch Series: Part One___Part Two___Part Three___Part Four ___Part Five

Taste Series: Part One ___Part Two___Part Three ___Part Four___Part Five

Sight Series: Part One___Part Two___Part Three___Part Four

It had started out as...something subtle. Something that, more or less, tickled the back of Prince Lotor’s mind. He was an observer, always has been, and he’s gotten so used to his survivor skill that it was almost second nature to just study. Study the stars, the planets, the people, the enemy, the allies. Anything that teased his curiosity with a single stroke of its finger always sang to his urge for more. Go, discover, learn. Explore. It was both a curse and a blessing.

With just a glance, Lotor could process three things about the group seething at him from outside the prison walls. One; not a single soul trusted him. That much was a given considering all the grief and trouble he dragged them through mere hours ago. Two; they kept him alive for information. These heroes could have easily wiped his existence from this astral plane, but they were merciful. Whether for their own good souls or their own benefit, he has yet to figure that out. And three?

He was being observed, as well.

Not in the way the fine Paladins and Alteans did, with their heated glares that, in an alternate reality, could melt him on the spot. No, Lotor felt another pair of eyes on him, from the back of the group and well hidden from his line of sight. That tickle became stronger and he was itching to rise to his full height just to get a better view of who was spying on him. For now, though, he would play the waiting game. If he was patient, soon enough his prey would feel just as curious, if not more, about the scary alien prisoner behind bars.

How does the saying go? If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back? Oh, he could get used to this game.

Prince Lotor’s patience succeeded in the end. Well, that and the gaping hole in his arm may have sped up the process. Team Voltron had concluded that to get information, they would need a prisoner, um, ALIVE. Which brought up the problem of Lotor nearly bleeding out thanks to his recent betrayal from his commanding officers. Sure, his wonderful Galra genetics helped him stave off his pain for a while. He was considering himself lucky now that he hadn’t passed out from lack of blood.

“You’re bleeding.”

Oh? Quite the sharp eye you had. That was sarcasm, but he held his tongue to stay in your good graces.

“I have been for quite some time now,” he explained, brushing off his wound as if it was merely a hindrance, a missing armor piece or a stubborn hair in his face, “I take it the Paladins of Voltron have assigned you to aid me?”

You answered with a solemn nod and approached the cell cautiously. Very cautiously, almost too carefully, as if the air would suddenly conjure up lightning to electrify you on the spot. The way you held yourself reminded Lotor of a...frightened animal, like a gazelle hiding from a herd of lions and gators and every predator known in the universe. He supposed he did give off that energy, even stuck behind a cell like this one. That, and his height no doubt intimidated you to no end.

He could see your fear...and you were right to do so. Alone, just you two in the umpteenth floor of the castle with nothing but a barrier keeping him from approaching you. Though, he did not always need force to get what he wanted. Words were his most powerful weapon.

“May I see your arm, please?” you motioned towards the barrier that had a small slot opening just big enough for him to slip his arm through.

Ah, a polite medic! How perfect. Much easier to observe when your subjects are docile by nature. And how could he deny such a person? Lotor kept his eyes focused on you as he followed your orders, watching carefully as you disassembled his broken armor to reveal his damaged arm. There was a glint in your eyes when you spent seconds turned minutes scrutinizing the wound. Anything you learned, Lotor did as well.

For instance, during your unraveling, he noticed how your fingertips did not once skim over his skin. Again, the image of a gazelle flashed through his mind. Surely your cautiousness stemmed from something else? Yes, he was a dangerous man, a criminal too, but even you could see that his skin was not going to attack you. He was not some venomous snake that had poison oozing from his pores. No, he concluded it had to be...something else. It wasn’t the power, the menacing aura of his heritage, or his steely gaze that set you on edge.

He kept the thrill of this observation behind his facade, but he wanted to...experiment. Test out his hypothesis, so to speak. Part of him found it amusing how you kept just barely out of his reach, as if he wanted to clutch your throat in his larger hands and choke you until the last breath left your lungs. No, that would be...boring. The tickle wouldn’t be satisfying once he scratched it. Besides, what better way to gain the trust of the Paladins than to show he was of no threat to them? He would do so, starting with you. Through you, to be more specific.

You dabbed his wound with a generic cloth soaked with what he could only assume was some sort of alcohol, judging by the strong acid reaching his nose. Not only was his wound open wide along the length of his arm, but it was singed at the edges. Your movements were slow and calculated, something Prince Lotor appreciated and praised with his eyes. Now, if only you would look at him. Once - just once - but the stars would not grant his wish.

“It will have to be stitched up,” your voice was...were you bored? “But the burns will need to heal before doing that, or you’ll get an infection. There’s too many dead skin here, but I did remove as much as I could given your...restrictions.”

“Very well,” Lotor’s voice was deep, naturally commanding, “Do what you must, good doctor.”

Damn, he had hoped the compliment would deter your focus, but you did not yield. In fact, while you shuffled in your medical bag, Lotor could see you were more...disinterested. Was it the wound? Did you see too many cuts and bruises every day that assisting him was a waste of your time and potential? Or...were you, too, just observing him indirectly? So many questions, but not enough answers!

“Stay still, please,” came your order, not a hint of force behind them, “This will sting.”

Thread after thread, the cut in his arm sealed close. Your fingers were nimble and efficient like any competent medic, though your work was mediocre. Sufficient, perhaps a little primitive as well. Lotor was obedient, but at least his arm no longer throbbed in pain and spilled his blood everywhere he stepped. His sharp eyes watched you cut the string and, before you could pull your hand away, he took a risk by barely grazing his callous fingertips with your soft ones. He could play it off as an accident easily, even though his very purpose was to get a reaction out of you.

Oh, and what a reaction he received! Almost instantaneously, you yanked your hand back to your chest as if his touch alone would have severed your fingers clean from your knuckles. You didn’t blush, which was one reaction he expected. He had charms, he knows it, and is very well aware of them. Though, judging by the absolutely hateful look boiling behind your eyes and the near animalistic snarl set on your lips, it wasn’t his physical appearance that triggered your defenses to switch into an offensive mode.

No, it was the act he did.

“Do not touch me,” you spat, acid dripping from every syllable and a harsh threat nearly rising from your voice, “Don’t ever touch me.”

That tickle...it grew tenfold. A medic who was averse to touching patients? How absurd! Or...was it just him? Did you hate him as much as the Paladins did? Maybe more? Either way, he pulled his arm back within the cell to lay limp by his side, his cosmic blue eyes taking in your, in simple terms, utterly pissed off glare. You had shrunk back into yourself again, but this time the fangs and the claws were out. This time, he didn’t see the gazelle. It was more like...a turtle. Come closer, stick your fingers in my face again and see what happens.

“I apologize,” he stated with utmost sincerity, “I...I meant you no harm. Truly. It was a mistake on my part.”

Lotor’s words didn’t seem to temper your rage. If anything it seemed like he only stoked the burning flame even more. You must not have believed his apology. At least now he answered one question: you didn’t hate him.

You hated being touched.

Your nostrils flared a bit before you huffed at him in warning, still not trusting him or his genuine words. Perhaps that was an honest error on his part. His simple touch had seared you, hurt you, even if there was no superficial proof on the surface. Without sparing him another word, you turned your back to him and walked away from his cage. His mind was processing everything that happened so quickly, analyzing where he went wrong and how his next test would be in a more controlled environment.

Yes, there will be a next test. Prince Lotor’s curiosity was not sated and now, he can truly say he found humans quite fascinating.

Lotor wanted to learn.

[thoughtscloud04]

Top 10 New Games For PC

Table of Contents

Valorant:

Disintegration:

Hardspace: Shipbreaker

Command & Conquer:

Tainted Grail:

The Almost Gone:

Beyond Blue:

Danger Scavenger:

Walking:

Desperados 3:

Valorant:

Valorant is the obvious place to start. In short, it is the speed and speed of counter-strike married to the character powers of Over-Watch. I have reaction time to make my own hold in CS: GO, so the idea of ​​using character abilities to exclude teenage killers sounds great. Of course, this is only how it works on paper in Riot’s Shooter:

The truth is, a bullet to the head is about to scatter your plans to the nearest wall, but teleport, with the super ‘What If’ The feeling is added to the jumps and the lava puddle really changes the rhythm and tone.The cosmetics for sale is free to play with, and kept young members of the entrance RPS team during its beta. They probably like to kill me to be honest. If I even worry about being killed, then Valorant is waiting.

Disintegration:

Disintegration is a tricky one. Speaking of the first game from V1 Interactive, a new studio led by Bungie’s former creative arts director Marcus Lehto.

This is a man who knows how to make iconic worlds and machinery, but is it a game to bring it back? To its credit it reformed a simple sci-fi FPS: you command a group of soldiers on the ground, RTS-style, while you hover over a motorcycle in a motorcycle that would have a caring idea about gravity is.You need to strike a balance between ordering your ground troops, while other air bikers who want to take you out. It may find out that this genre hybrid doesn’t please the fan base either, but I liked the way it played at Games come last year and any chance to see the crazy sci-fi scenario is more fun than being stuck in my house Where I see this massive weed growing out. I really should do something about that.

Hardspace: Shipbreaker

Many PC games are about making bigger and better spaceships. In Hardspace Shipbreaker it is about taking a hammer for that hard work.

A Zero-G killer is speaking, a battling for plating like you to work with and breaking down great spaceships using a variety of laser cutters to slice precious components and peel off a giant metal orange. Worked to eliminate the hook.I like to think of it as a house flipper, but house in space is a), and b) can explode for millions of different reasons. You may have seen the whole thing exploding through a fuel pipe, or punctured a hole in the side, disintegrating the ship and sending yourself into the abyss of space.I think someone has created a space game, where the enemy is space itself – the improvement on the ship breaker is immense.

Command & Conquer:

He is supposed to be a bit late, but EA is finally showing command and wants to win the love with this delicious remaster collection – including Tiberian Dawn, Red Alert and his three expansion packs – as well as missions that console versions Were exclusive to.

All have been given a 4K HD remaster, although you can go back to the original graphics with the press of a button. More than 20 performers, rearranged by the first composers Frank Klepäcki and The Tiberian son, have reorganized the sound recordings that characterized the game in the mid 1990s.A real love letter for these earlier games to go – even a bonus collection of B-roll footage of those high-profile cut scenes and complete the action with a new interface, online match making and full modding support Does. Is it going to be great? Time will tell sooner or later in Red Alert ‘s terms. But being a sentiment it is a bidder.

Tainted Grail:

Tented Grail is an RPG based on a table top game hitting the kick starter in 2018 where it is close to £ 5 million. The flat cardboard that is on the PC becomes a pretty isometric world, with combos based on stitching combos together with the deck of the battle system.

Since this was last seen in Alpha, the combat has undergone a major visual change, now the fight is shown playing with a Dinky 3D model, so it’s less of a hassle when you’re struggling with world exploration.Conquest mode is also underway, which is the focus of this early access release: it’s a mix of the main campaign’s mechanics with rogue-like elements.Think of randomly generated mazes, but with lots of narrative and a village you build to help with future runs. It is expected that trying to build two enough game modes at the same time affects either quality.

The Almost Gone:

The Almost Gone inspired us when we covered it as part of our Indies Uncovered series earlier in the year.

You can click the onscreen link for a proper demo, but in essence it is a narrative-driven puzzle game that assumes you to be the role of someone trapped between life and death.To find out how you ended up in limbo, you spin and blow a series of diarrhea to reveal the answer to everything. It is unlikely to be 42. It has a lot of big laughs that we’re afraid of, but despite the macabre theme, the Daddy model is quite cute. You can get to the bottom of this mystery after the game starts.

Beyond Blue:

Beyond Blue is another star of our indies, which we first showed in April 2019. Again, a link on the screen. It is produced by E-Line Media, who have impressed the BBC with their 2015 game Never Alone, they were invited to work on Blue Planet: Video Games.

The result Beyond Blue: is an exploration game that attempts to give you an insight into the wondrous creatures living in the ocean. As Mirai, a deep-sea explorer and scientist, you’ll swim with dolphins, scan sperm whales, and marvel at something called a chile and rogue ray.Despite their sinister names, you don’t have to worry that the fish are taking a part out of you. Beyond Blue is, in fact, devoid of all danger. The only thing you need to check the world’s largest swimming pool is a sedative-like condition.

Read Full Article on: Top 10 New Games For PC 

[mentalvapors]

Kevin Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Back at it again. Geez, when I started my tumblr (back in 2014 I think) I had the intention to update it regularly, every week maybe. But I lost track of it, like already one week after I started it. I feel bad for not updating it. One of my biggest regrets in life is probably that I never had a diary, because my memory just keeps getting worse and worse at the moment, and when I talk to people they are able recall so many thing from their past and I don't even know how to do simple math I learned in 4th grade. I cannot remember a single event from 4th grade or elementary school in general.

Okay this is just me thinking things right now, but I also feel like the reason why I never had a diary or never bothered to write blog entries is because I'm not a creative writer. And I'm not smart and I have no skills whatsoever and it's even worse when I write English sentences. And some people actually have personality and talent to make the most trivial things sound interesting. And I just feel like a brain dead person slamming my phalanges furiously on a keyboard. But should I feel bad about it? Pretty much everyone shares their opinions on thoughts about everything on the internet nowadays. I should not care about how bland I sound to other people.

I really wanted to gather some thoughts why university didn't work out for me. I feel like I never … I tried to think about the reason why I failed, but most of the time I was in sad mode and blamed myself for everything, which always ended in a result that was not authentic to the truth and therefor not downright acceptable. And so I  never came to a real conclusion. I will try to think about it now, because I don't feel too depressed, so it should be fine, right? Right?

So first of all, going to university was mistake to begin with. It could have worked out, but the circumstances at that time were not optimal. In fact they were terrible. So it was kind of foolish to think I could pull that off, but there was also nobody who convinced me I couldn't.

A huge factor that made it hard for me to survive university was that every semester I felt some kind of anxiety because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Grades, classes, other students and just choosing things was very overwhelming. Very, very overwhelming. On some days I was just crying like the whole day, because I didn’t know what actually happens when I’m done with university. How to move on? I’ve always been a directionless wanderer, who didn’t know what he wanted to do in life. I just started university and it already felt pointless, like it would go nowhere and nevertheless I was moving on. One year passed, two years, three... and nothing changed. I collected a lot of credits (oh well... not enough for my creditors though) and still I couldn't figure out “why am I doing this?”.

My major was area studies and I wasn’t really enjoying it. I just felt lost and once again overwhelmed. This whole course of studies was missing a clear structure. Which was also the point of it: “Just go ahead and choose the things you have the most interest in”, like that kind of decree completely works against my own nature. I desperately need someone to tell me what to do. So helplessly I chose the most nonsense courses I could find. I signed up for Japanese class and it was so hard. The first semester examination I got only a fourteen, oops. I literally struggled so bad and nearly getting nothing accomplished the whole year and that’s why I ended up dropping that course and felt really bad. But I wanted to try it again, so I took the next semester very very light with only two classes, so of course that extended my university existence by some time. So many frustrating things happened during that time and to my minor, which was agricultural sciences. The readings ended up being not what I was looking for and the schedule really worked against my major.

Also some of the professors were really strict and set up their individual rules. For instance the Japanese teacher was incredibly strict. You could not miss her lessons and you could not be late. And at this time I really struggled with depression and I was crying and begging this woman I was like „I love this class, I’m trying so hard, please give me another chance next year“ and she said that it was OK and that I can be part of the class again, but a year later she was like „I changed my mind, get out“ and that was the point, where I started to give up and stopped trying, like, at all. But sometimes I would get a professor that I like and I would only have them for one semester, a lot of times I tried to take multiple classes with that person if the subject fulfilled credits for the same requirement, even though the class would not help to get a clear structure in my major. Like I took a lot of Mongolian classes. How would that help me with my Japanese Major? I don't know.

In addition I didn’t have an easy time making friends there. That’s another thing that can kinda be frustrating about university life to me. You see a lot of people who take one or two classes that you take as well and you kinda never see the same people. You develop relationships with people that are in the same class but after the semester; they’re gone. That was a big hurdle for me to jump through. I did not get used to it and I didn’t kinda like how everything felt so temporary.

None of the people I had contact with in my Japanese course did graduate by the way. All of them are still stuck somewhere. Some of them still have to pass Japanese class I (out of IV) and it has been four years since we signed up for it. Ideally you should be done with the whole thing in three years. So probably even if I managed to finish all of my major and minor courses, I would not be done with Japanese class yet, cause it's so damn hard and my creditor would get mad at me and I had cancel university either way.

So I was clueless and not doing very well and the worst part was probably that there is a lot of pressure in society (and creditors, student loan companies etc.) where they tell you „Okay you have to graduate from university in three years. Do it right. Know exactly what you want!“ and for a lot of people, including myself, this is not a realistic goal. It’s just not easy. I think it’s realistic if you fail something. I think perfection and expectation of perfection in society is really bizarre. The other thing I realized during this time was, unlike you’re going to be a doctor or a lawyer or in that sort of profession, you get a university degree and that’s awesome but how much practically do you use that degree? I wish I would have chosen something like business studies, because I think … just having more of an understanding of topics like that, would have been helpful throughout my life, especially more than the area studies.

So these are some aspects that turned university into my personal nightmare, but the truth or a big part of it is, that university just felt inconvenient. I'm a lazy piece of shit; I never felt the need to study for any exam, but spoiler: in university you won't survive without it. You need to know how to study. Studying is actually a skill, I didn't know that, now I learned the hard way.

So all I have for now is my shattered university past, a scary student loan debt mountain haunting me every night and also no job. Unemployed for over a year now. I don't know if this will ever change. The worst part of it is I feel like I'm not doing enough to get out of this misery. In fact I do nothing. I want to change but like 90% of my time I have no faith and feel hopeless and that nothing will ever work out for me.

I need to get a whole load of things off my chest first in order to move one. Also I need to find the English setting for my good friend OpenOffice because right now everything is red underlined and it's low key driving me crazy. (…) All right, I found it. Also I'm not gonna grammar correct or spellcheck anything. It's just lines I write down to remind myself of a few things and I have to get this all out before I forget it. So screw editing it!

The last few days I started to do shit I usually hate doing. It's not like I'm a messy person, but cleaning my room felt suddenly more important than ever before. I also stitched up my curtains, even though I was okay with them being way too long for years. And I built two shelves, because we had a few old planks in our yard and my walls were so empty, they felt like prison cell walls to me, so I thought “yes of course SHELVES”. They look fantastic and I'm proud of myself because I made something useful, but they remind my that I spend my time not the way I'm supposed to. They make me feel bad every time I look at them and I look at them a lot, cause they're hanging on my wall.

Yesterday I set up autumn decorations even though it is kinda too early. I also already did some of the Halloween decorations. I always get into a spooky mood, as soon as the weather gets colder, because it feels like authentically fall. I have to wear sweaters or long sleeves because I'm so cold all the time.

Also I found a keyboard in the room of the guy that lived with us, but who is dead now and I remembered how I have always wanted to learn to play piano. But I don't know if I would be very good at it. I feel like the older I get the less focus I have with things. And I also feel just like I don't ever really sit down and like do anything.

Anyway, the dead guy's name was Lutz and he died in April because of cancer. He and my mom shared the rent for the house we live in, so fifty percent of the rent fee is missing since he died. Our landlord is really mad, because he wants the money from us now and we do not have it and Lutz's family doesn't want to pay off his debts either. It's a pretty dire situation and my mom's lawyer sucks and gradually makes our dilemma worse and worse and she doesn't realize it. I don't know what comes next, my mom never talks about these things and a part of me also doesn't want to know. I'm dealing with a lot of things myself and I wish I could close my eyes and vanish from the surface of this planet forever. Just like the Avatar did. The cool one, not that James Cameron Pocahontas plagiarism. But I'm afraid this is not how it works. Suicide would be an option. But I'm just too much of a coward.

To give up or to not give up on life. Fighting the desire to just lie down and die gets harder each day. It already has been hard for a long time now. I know people get homeless. Maybe I am in that exact position right now. I never thought about it. But maybe there is a high chance that it'll happen to me next, unless I do something, even if it already might be too late. I know I can't change the mind of my mom, she will stay here, in this building, until she gets thrown out under legal authority. And I knew about this since a long time and I definitely already could have done something about it as well, like trying harder to find a new place and job, but … depression … and I chose not to. That's just the reality situation.

But I really need to get on with looking for a job now (the hardest thing though is to overcome my “little” procrastination thing whenever I'm about to do it). Two years of therapy gave me enough time to reflect and figure out what I possibly could do and maybe I really can do two or three things, besides lying in bed all day. The biggest issue right now is my low self-esteem. If you never had a real job in your whole life, you will obviously have a hard time to believe in your own abilities. This is what I got criticized for when I worked as Concierge last summer “Sorry, you're too insecure about your actions” and at job interviews I get told “You don't really convince me that you want this job”. And yeah how can I convince anyone I'm able to do something I never did before without straight up lying to their face? I guess if I want to apply for job, I need to put on a mask made of confidence and lies.

My psychiatrist once told me, that my only chance to get a job is social connections (his social connections). I already talked about how I became “friends” with my therapist some time ago. His intentions didn't feel honest to me and everyone else saw this, like, big red flag and yelled at me, to give up on this attachment, but I am weak and I don't have anyone else I can talk to. I gave him another chance and he invited me and said that we should travel to Thailand together. And I was against it, honestly, like from the beginning. But you know, he is a manipulative piece of shit and I really wanted to see Thailand, because I probably wouldn't get another chance like this, in my whole life. So I thought: how horrible can it be to fly to Thailand for two weeks, with your psychiatrist? Turns out it can be pretty horrible. He was watching me all the time, he was watching what I was eating, when I was messaging on Whatsapp. I never had two minutes for myself, he even came into the bathroom while I was changing, he was telling me what to do, when to cross the street, he dictated absolutely everything. So on day three I called him out and he said “Okay then let's fly back home” and of course I know he wanted me to beg him to stay here and that I would do better and follow his orders, cause he pays for everything. But I said “Fine, let's fly back home” and we walked to the travel agency in Thailand and the lady at the counter said a ticket back home today would be around 8,000$ each. He told the lady that we need to talk and would come back in an hour, if we still consider to book the tickets, but I didn't want to take anymore of his crap. So he had to book the tickets and I didn't talk to him the whole 24 hours we needed to get back to Germany, he tried to discuss this situation the whole time, even tried to convince me to travel with him again; this time to the Netherlands for the weekend because “It'll work out better than Thailand”. There is so much more stuff that happened, but I'm not going to elaborate more, at this point I'm so tired of all of this. I'm just glad I finally wrote it down and decided that this friendship was not good for me. Better late than never.

Oh and the worst part is, I also feel like I didn't make any progress in this two years of therapy. I didn't achieve anything, I just wasted time. I'm so annoyed and mad at myself.

All that stress I had the last few months or maybe years and the frustration and the anger I feel every day, caused my autoimmune disease to flare up again.

Short backstory: I noticed a bald patch in my beard area in 2015 and one year later it spread on my head and it was just awful. I had the worst time back then, my dog died, my relationship went to shit, I lost my job as Concierge, I felt like university was going nowhere and my hair started to fall out and it was not a cute look. I had a plum sized spot on the left side, the right side and on top of my head and two spots that molted into one big spot at the back. I went to a dermatologist, he said it's called Alopecia Areata and he told me to put some ointment on it and I did. But nothing changed. I was really desperate, I had a mental break down, including ugly crying in the shower, shaving my head, mental hospital, the whole program. I had a hard time to accept the “bald truth”.

On Youtube I found a channel, run by a girl named Stella, who made several videos about her struggle with Alopecia Areata (she wasn't the only one btw, but she was the first one who seemed genuine and did not try to sell some fake products. There are so many people on the internet, who use other people’s desperation to make themselves richer, it's crazy). In one of her videos she described how she overcame this disease with the help of the AIP diet and I was so amazed. She had all of her hair back and the solution is a diet? I was crying my eyes out for month and it's that simple? Sign me up I thought as I looked a few things up on the internet and basically AIP diet means just allowed to eat warm water. Doesn't actually matter if it's warm or not. No, but seriously almost every food is forbidden on AIP. No bread, rice, potatoes, eggs, diary, sugar, tomatoes, nuts, alcohol, fruits, nothing. All you can eat is meat and green stuff. I started in November and it was exhausting from the beginning. I felt hungry all the time and was craving for something sweet. It's funny how I can go without sugar right now for days, but when you're not allowed to have it, it's all you want. But I was missing coffee the most.

Anyway, after one month of AIP I recognized some white hair on my left patch, and a week later a few pigmented hairs. On Christmas all of my patches had small pigmented hairs growing in (except my beard, which is only thin white hairs until today) and I'm having the worst grammar right now. It's 1 a.m. Anyway during that time I felt amazing, the bald patches were still recognizable, but I felt relieved that my hair came back and I wouldn't go bald.

By march I had all my hair back and I gave a lot of credit to the diet, but also stopped the diet the same month, because although I got all my hair back, I realized that I could not live with all these restrictions forever. The AIP diet was not designed for people with AA. It was made to figure out what kind of food causes your inflammatory, but it's impossible to tell when you have AA. You can't take a bite of a tomato and be like “Oh yeah I feel it, this makes my hair fall out”. Even though a lot people in these self help groups write things like “Oh. My. Gosh. I was just drinking a cup of milk and suddenly my whole scalp was itchy”. Yeah girl, because you wanted it to be itchy. You are desperate and want to find the cause and you want it to stop. And all of this happens, even if your are not aware of it. And blaming certain kinds of food is easy, but dumb. It worked for me, but just because I thought it does. For 4 months I ate vegetables and meat on max, because Stella said it helped, she had proof and I saw it, so I thought it would help me too.

April was again a really hard time for me. My therapist was playing games, my family stressed me out, Lutz died, still no job, my personal financial crisis. And then one day I felt a smooth spot behind my right ear as I was sitting in a train and I was like “Oh god, please no, god no no no no no...”. . I recognized a tiny spot at the back of my head before, but I was hoping it was nothing, I didn't want it to be true, now with a second patch I realized Alopecia is back to haunt me.But this time I wanted it to be different. I would not let it take control of my actions again. So I made an appointment at a hairdresser and I was surprised he never heard of AA before as I told him what was going on on my head. As he was shaving the back of my head he pointed out that there actually a few more spots than expected. I accepted it. There's nothing I can do about anyway.

I revisited Stella's Youtube channel and she posted a video update. Her Alopecia came back as well, even though she was still following the AIP diet. So there was no doubt left, that the diet had little to do with the regrowth of my hair. Stella's video and her blog was again so inspirational.

The cure for Alopecia is: there is no cure. It's your emotions. It's sadness, it's anger and stress. This is easy and hard to accept at the same time. I'm still not a hundred percent sure if I can accept this as the one truth. At the moment all of the spots are on the backside of my head, which is good. I mean they are there; but at least I can't see them. The one behind my right ear is as big as my ear right now. And it worries me tbh. Last year I documented the progress of the spots and took pictures every week. Because I was so excited to see my hair grow and I wanted to see the proof that it really happens. I don't know if I should do this again. Stella said the best way to deal with this situation is simply “to not give a shit”.

And that might be true. But I know, currently it is impossible for me to reach this peace of mind. Everything's a mess right now and I feel like I can't do life and no matter how less I care about my hair, bald spots will spread nevertheless. I have to change my environment first, before I can move on mentally. And this will be frustrating. Searching for a job, having job interviews with bald spots all over my head, probably getting rejected because of it, getting more bald spots, it will be hell but I guess... it is what it is.

It's hard when you’re in a dark place and when your family sucks, and you're like in that mind set where everything is awful. Just taking that one little step up uphill is the hardest part. Maybe writing all of this down finally is a sign that I wildly succeeded and that I can keep going. Or maybe it was just another reason for me to procrastinate again. Who knows?

Well I wish I could end this post on a high note. It's 3am right now and  there was an episode of “Married... with children” on TV and it was about Kelly being the first female Bundy with a job and she worked at a diner. They made it look like being a waitress is the easiest thing in the world, but Kelly was totally overwhelmed by everything and it was just too real. Too relatable. On her first day as a waitress “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” was playing in the background and I will remember this on my first day of work and it'll empower me to try my best, like Kelly Bundy did. You know, be the best Kelly Bundy you can be.

[techgadgets365]

What is it?

The X5 was BMW’s first SUV, nee SAV (Sports Activity Vehicle in BMW speak) and it set the tone for models of the type. Genuinely sporty and surprisingly versatile, the X5 has been a favourite for keen drivers and luxury buyers for long. In India too, the X5 has had a good run over the three generations yet. The fourth-gen X5 is out and it marks a slight shift in focus for the model; there’s a greater emphasis on luxury than before. If that’s good news or bad and how the latest X5 fits into the India scheme of things is what we’re going to find out.

What’s it like on the outside?

The new X5 is bigger than you think. Unlike the X3, which looks visually larger than its predecessor, this new ‘G05’ X5, from a distance at least, looks much smaller than the outgoing ‘F15’ X5, despite it being 36mm longer, 19mm taller and a solid 66mm wider. In fact, you might mistake the X5 for an X3 or even an X1, up until the point it pulls up next to you.

This is because of its design, which features sharper lines, tighter skinning and some exaggerated details. The most controversial of these is the enormous chrome-heavy, single-piece kidney grille, which absolutely dominates the front end. From this sprouts a pair of slimmer, more angular headlamps – now with the electric-blue signature of BMW’s Laserlight high-beam system (which gives a throw of 600m) – and, of course, the new-age, C-shaped take on BMW’s LED corona ring DRL signature. The waistline crease flows into a pronounced haunch over the rear wheel, adding some muscle, and this xLine trim looks far more elegant than the M Sport version, which is currently only available with the petrol engine.

Some of us aren’t fans of the way BMW has abandoned the classic L-shaped tail-lamp signature for a more generic, rectangular look, but we like that they’ve stuck with the trademark split tailgate. As for some perspective on just how big this car has gotten, look at the wheels – they have a decent amount of tyre sidewall and don’t look that big, but they’re 20 inches in diameter. A few years ago, this would have been the largest size; now it goes up to 22 inches. And as for the stance, you can go from jacked-up off-roader to hunkered-down M car at the flick of a switch, thanks to the two-axle air suspension new to the X5 (previous cars only had it on the rear axle, so you couldn’t vary the ride height). As ever, you get different-sized front and rear tyres, with the ones at the rear being almost comically wide, with a 305 section – the same as a Lamborghini Huracán!

What’s it like on the inside?

The latest BMW X5’s greater dimensions have, naturally, translated into more interior space. The 42mm increase in the wheelbase to 2,975mm can be easily felt as soon as you slip into the back seat and stretch out, but the even greater sense is of width. The previous X5 was not a narrow car, but in the new one, it feels like there’s a chasm between you and your fellow passenger. It’s a comfortable back seat too, but some might find the backrest a bit too upright, and it’s not adjustable. You can flip it down to free luggage space of course, and if you do, you’ll find the already vast 650-litre space expanding to 1,860 litres, and a really cool motorised luggage cover that whirrs out from its deployed position to under the floor when not needed. What you won’t find anymore are the pair of tiny rear jump seats – they have been left out of the India-spec car this time, likely to differentiate it from the upcoming, three-row X7. What you do get, happily, is a space-saver spare tyre.

Back to the cabin, and more than the outright comfort, it’s the ambience that’s taken a quantum leap. It’s not a stretch to say this xLine variant is approaching 7 Series levels of luxury. Thick bars of dull, unvarnished wood veneer sit on the dashboard, central console and doors, and these are framed in brushed aluminium, which you’ll also find the door handles are fashioned from. The ‘Vernasca’ leather upholstery, available in this cream colour, as well as tan, brown, or black, is wonderfully soft, and there’s even double-stitched leather on the dashboard. The front seats (powered, with a memory function, of course) are big and plush, with a wide array of adjustments, including shoulder support. There are 12 choices of colour combinations for the LED ambient lighting, which even extends to a panoramic sunroof – Sky Lounge, as BMW calls it – and it looks incredible at night.

There are some things that stand out for the wrong reasons in the otherwise high-quality cabin. Those chrome central AC vents, though incredibly well-finished, appear as an uninspired piece of design in this classy BMW cabin. The mode select buttons feel a little flimsy and are tricky to click properly, especially on the move. Then there’s the cut-glass effect on the gear lever, iDrive click-wheel and start button, which has been very polarising. Some find it cool, others find it gaudy, and while on one hand it doesn’t smudge with fingerprints like the standard plastic lever, on the other, in bright sunlight, the reflections off it can hit you right in the eye.

Speaking of points of contention – there’s the new all-digital dial system. While the previous generation of this system (in the 5 Series, for example) mirrored BMW’s classic twin round dials, this new one, which you’ll find on all upcoming Bimmers, adopts a more sci-fi-feeling angular look. This would be fine if it functioned well, but the numbers aren’t as clear to read, the tachometer spins counterclockwise, and when you switch to Sport mode – the tacho needle disappears entirely! Plus, being a screen, they’ve tried to cram it with as much info as possible, which would be helpful, but it’s small and hard to read, which means it’s more distracting to try and find it. The navigation map between the dials, for instance, is monochrome, not full colour, so it blends in rather than standing out. It just seems unintuitive; I wish there was at least the option of returning to the classic dial layout.

We can’t talk tech without mentioning the latest version of BMW’s class-leading iDrive infotainment system, which is presented here on a crisp 12.3-inch touchscreen. Apart from touch, it can be operated by the traditional click-wheel, the touch pad, voice commands and gesture control as well. The tile-based home screen has been replaced with a more tablet-computer-like clustered system, which takes a little getting used to, but ultimately works better at giving you all your vital data at once; and it’s customisable. You also get readouts for real-time power and torque usage, G-force, pitch and yaw angle, and other off-road parameters. There’s also the 360-degree camera with the fun ‘augmented reality’ system that puts a 3D model of the car in a camera-generated depiction of your surroundings. And if you opt for the M Sport trim, you’ll get a head-up display too.

The equipment list on the whole, in fact, is vast and impressive. Apart from what we’ve already discussed already, you’ll find the likes of wireless mobile charging, hands-free parking, four-zone climate control, a 16-speaker Harman Kardon hi-fi, soft-close doors, paddleshifters, adaptive dampers, a powered tailgate with remote opening, auto stop-start, Apple CarPlay (but no Android Auto) and eight airbags. Interestingly, there is only one conventional USB port, but there are three of the new-generation USB-C ports – one at the front, two at the rear – so chances are you’ll have to buy a new cable to make the most of them.

What’s it like to drive?

As we’ve said already, the new X5 is bigger than you think, and while that may apply to its appearance, it isn’t quite as true from behind the wheel, as it was with previous X5s. It’s a trend we’re seeing in most new BMWs – a general ‘softening’ of the driving experience to cater to a wider audience and offer a more luxurious experience, but here, much of the change can be attributed to one mechanical difference – two-axle rear suspension. Previously, X5s only offered air suspension at the rear to aid comfort, but now that it’s at all four wheels, it’s allowed for much more. For one, the ride height can be raised or lowered (in five steps) for varying situations, but the main benefit is a far more luxurious ride. Sure, the massive wheels and tyres can cause a bit of lumpiness over bumps, but overall, the ride is incredibly plush. If you find it too floaty in Comfort mode, switching to Sport gives it a good balance.

Sound insulation, too, is far improved, but again, it’s those big tyres that play spoilsport a bit over expansion joints. The steering has been blunted and softened too, to the point that it is incredibly light at low speeds. It’s almost enough to make you forget this car’s mammoth dimensions; almost.

So it’s great at low speeds, but the contention arises when you’re driving for enjoyment, and here’s where some of the razor-sharp agility of previous X5s is missing. The steering does feel a little mushier, and even in Sport mode there is noticeably more body roll; you really do feel the X5’s size in the corners. But perhaps I’m being a bit harsh because it still handles better than most 2.1-tonne SUVs, with perhaps only a Porsche Cayenne being able to break the laws of physics better. Those massive tyres also afford it prodigious grip, and, despite the AWD, it always has a distinctly rear-biased feel.

Whether you’re barrelling up a mountain road or weaving through traffic, you’ll love the straight-six diesel engine (there’s a straight-six petrol too) and its 8-speed automatic gearbox. With 265hp and 620Nm of torque, it’s got more than enough pulling power to compensate for the X5’s size and weight. It’s not just effortless, it’s downright quick, with 0-100kph coming up in only 6.55sec. And with the quick-acting ZF gearbox (it seems to get better with every new car launched) doing its thing, kickdown acceleration is equally brisk. The good news is the characteristic (and quite thrilling) shove in the guts typical of BMW’s diesel engines is still there. Take it out of Sport mode and – apart from a little bit of hesitation if you catch the gearbox off guard – it is smooth and refined, as is befitting this new, more luxurious X5.

Should I buy one?

The X5 starts at Rs 72.90 lakh (ex-showroom, India). This xLine variant, though, will set you back Rs 82.40 lakh, putting it dangerously close to seven-seat luxury SUVs like the Audi Q7, Volvo XC90 and even the Mercedes-Benz GLS. It stings even more when you realise this isn’t a full CBU import; it’s assembled in India. However, you have to consider a few things, like how much more this car gets you. Not only is it more spacious, it’s more comfortable, thanks to the air suspension, and far better appointed and better equipped now. Then there’s BMW’s updated SU – sorry, SAV – range. The X3 has grown, you also have an X4 now, there will soon be an X7 and below that a new X6; all the models have been moved up the ladder. Sure, it’s not quite the ultimate driving machine that its forebears were, but it’s still pretty damn good to drive – and that can be forgiven for how much better a luxury SUV it is. It’s gotten more expensive, but it’s also a lot more car for the money.

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