#in light of my burning hatred for the holiday and depression

[smallestapplin]

Sakura : it’s the holidays! What do you guys want?

Naruto : parents.

Sasuke : my family back.

Kakashi : to be mentally and emotionally stable.

Y/n : a will to live and to be comfortable with myself.

Sakura :…..I have like four plushies.

[euphoriacentral]

THE PLAYLIST: “The gist is this: Rue wants to die. Ali hopes to convince her to stay alive. There are few dramatic premises heavier than this. And yet writer-director Levinson, aided hugely by his performers and cinematographer Marcell Rév, extracts a painfully human exchange without lapsing into melodramatics. Ali, who receives a welcome helping of character development, refuses to treat Rue with kid gloves – yet Domingo plays this role with an underpinning of warmth, ably challenging the stormy Rue. As Rue, Zendaya is essentially here to remind everyone why she won her Emmy. She expertly balances emotion and stoicism, wearing this character like a second skin.

There is minimal plot here, an almost whiplash-inducing change from the regular series, where high-stakes drama constantly crescendos. But this is a perfect departure, a welcome pause in the shimmering chaos. “Trouble Don’t Last Always” is uniquely suited to this moment, as the world finds itself at a standstill, paralytically powerless over disease and mortality. So many of us don’t know where we will spend our holidays, or who will still be here to spend them with us next year. So we sit, unbearably human. And though we may be separated from Ali and Rue by fiction and celluloid and screens, for an hour, it feels as though we are just one booth across, eavesdroppers on a conversation between two vulnerable, beautiful, sick people.” THE INDEPENDENT: “Domingo gives an all-star performance as a tough-love sponsor, but it is Zendaya who remains the show’s linchpin. She appears as she does in series one: a cynical waif with legs scrunched up, knees under her chin, and a hoodie pulled over her head. The 24-year-old gives a magnetic performance; she makes even the most cliched lines, such as “I just don’t plan on being here that long”, somehow stick. When Ali asks Rue how she wants to be remembered by her mum and sister, the next minute of acting is a reminder of why this year Zendaya became the youngest person to win an Emmy for best lead in a drama series. The episode closes on an extended shot of Ali and Rue driving; Bocelli’s “Ave Maria” thunders in the background. It is undoubtedly a diversion from the usual relentless sex and drugs of Euphoria, but this episode hints at a more thoughtful second series to come.” INDIEWIRE: “Rue and Ali wade through self-pity, self-blame, self-hatred, and plenty more difficult topics, and it’s a credit to writer-director Sam Levinson that the conversation progresses with substance .But Zendaya and Domingo get all the credit for making it watchable. From Domingo’s voice built on crackling embers to Zendaya’s elastic jawline, the two thespians give and take with a natural grace. Without going too big or dialing it down too far, the duo entrenches themselves in the reality of the moment in a way that “Euphoria” rarely did so sparsely until now. Clearly, shooting under pandemic guidelines resulted in some creative changes, but the episode still feels like a sturdy bridge spanning a wild first season and the studied sophomore effort coming next. Its calmness and maturity is welcome, after so many episodes that built up to a big, shocking reveal.” ROLLINGSTONE: “Verbally, the whole thing is much more a showcase for Domingo than Zendaya, as Rue mostly just listens to her sponsor’s lectures and deflects his questions. But then, her line readings throughout Season One — particularly for the show’s usual narration (another stylistic flourish that’s absent here) — were often underplayed and lacking affect, the better to contrast with the high drama all around Rue, and to illustrate how numb she has become to the horrors of this life. Her face almost always says more than her voice, and that’s true again here.

At one point, Rue quietly admits that she doesn’t see the point in self-improvement, because “I just don’t plan on being here that long.” It pains Ali to hear her speaking so openly about wanting to die, but rather than trying to talk her out of it, he simply asks how she would want her mother and sister to remember her after she’s gone. The camera stays on Zendaya’s face the whole time as the weight of her pain, and her understanding of how she in turn is going to hurt her loved ones, fully takes hold. As the tears begin to flow, she says she’d like them to remember her “as someone who tried really hard to be someone I couldn’t.” It’s a devastating admission, made all the more so because of how simple and unvarnished the presentation is. Obviously, this structure isn’t something Euphoria can deploy in every episode, or even in many of them. There’s a huge cast of characters with stories to service each week, and the series’ hyperactive style is a fundamental part of its DNA. And going the full My Dinner with Andre is much harder than it looks, requiring actors like these two who can be so compelling while so little is happening. But with Zendaya and Domingo, in these extraordinary circumstances, it not only works beautifully, but suggests that, at minimum, Levinson can perhaps take his foot off the gas a bit more often whenever Season Two begins filming.” THE GUARDIAN: “As Rue, broken by what she sees as Jules’ betrayal, Zendaya continues to demonstrate exactly why she so deserved the best actress Emmy she won in September; as the older, wiser Ali, Colman Domingo is simply extraordinary. These needed to be good performances. Although this looks stylish, wearing its Nighthawks inspiration plainly and dwelling on blurry neon lights through glass, all Edward Hopper via a Lana Del Rey filter, it is essentially a conversation about addiction that has to sustain our attention for an hour. When Euphoria is at its best, it is deeply empathic. I did not buy the criticism that it glorified drug-taking; I thought it showed how horrendous adolescence can be, particularly in the digital age, and that nobody could truthfully watch this show and want to emulate any of the behaviour in it. This episode, given space and time to breathe, is a frank discussion about how destructive and damaging addiction can be, all wrapped up in a smart and sympathetic plea for compassion for addicts. Ali and Rue talk about their personal low points. For Ali, this is a story about how many last chances a person can burn through. Rue, devoid of hope, is forced to confront the idea that there may be a little hope left in her yet. It is a touch too long and some of the dialogue is eye-wateringly Euphoria – “For some people, there is no rock bottom, it’s bottomless” – but, for the most part, I was lost in its world and captivated by the back-and-forth, which is frequently as funny as it is grim. Ultimately, its message is one of forgiveness, of others and of oneself, of empathy and understanding. It quietly calls for good will to all men, even whip-smart, heartbroken, navel-gazing teenagers. Perhaps it is not so unfestive, after all.” THE DAILY BEAST: “The writing is strong but demanding—equal parts wrenching and humorous, and full of the kind of earnestness that can sound downright comical coming from the wrong performer. But both Colman Domingo and Zendaya, fresh off her Emmy win this year, are more than up to the task. It feels fitting that Ali chooses poetry as his metaphor for a higher power. In a way, this belief feels like the heart of Euphoria—a series that, like poetry, focuses on meticulous aesthetics and (visual) metaphor to drive home truths that can at times elude plain language.” ROGER EBERT: “Spiralling through a brilliantly written conversation about addiction, revolution, and depression, this is one of the best hours of TV in 2020—an incredibly moving piece that hints at the limitless potential of “Euphoria”’s future. The conversation between Ali and Rue circles her addiction from multiple angles without feeling overly scripted. It’s like a great stage play, and it allows the two performers to really shine. Domingo is an incredible character actor who imbues Ali with just the right amount of earned wisdom and realistic skepticism.

And then there’s Zendaya. She was excellent in season one, but she digs even deeper here than in that Emmy-winning performance. She has a few beats near the end of the episode that are breathtaking, not only in the decisions she makes but in how much room Levinson gives her to feel her way through her own emotions. Rue is angry and demonstrative in parts of this conversation, but she’s mostly listening, thinking, and feeling. It’s more about what she doesn’t say to Ali than what she does. The emotions that she allows to wash over her face and then pull back before approaching melodrama make for such a finely-tuned piece of work.”

[imma-potatoo]

omgggggg i loved your angsty janus HCs. they were so good

if it's not too much trouble...can we get some angty remus and/or logan HCs...? maybe?

Angsty Remus and Logan huh? Well I can try! I don't do much Remus angst

Small note before we begin! I highly suggest reading my angsty Janus HCs as things might not make sense otherwise

Anyway!

Remus

The first thing Remus can remember is screaming

The screams of the King that is, the strange thing about the split is the distribution of the King's fragments. Remus has most of the King's memories, Roman looks almost exactly like him

The King's memories are more like a fuzzy haze then an actual memory. He knows what happened, but the details are spotty at best

He blames himself for Virgil locking himself away

The night before Virgil locked himself away, they had an argument while Janus was asleep

Basically, Remus left the dark side to go annoy the others, completely going against Virgil's rule of "Do not go to the light sides"

Virgil got angry, Remus said some less then pleasant things, and the next day Virgil refused to leave his room

Remus feels absolutely horrible for this, especially because he could only watch as Janus tore himself apart over it

He's pissed at Virgil, he abandoned the children he was supposed to be caring for... Twice

He tired to step up and take care of Janus in Virgil's absence, but he couldn't do any of it right

He almost burned down the kitchen every time he tried to cook, everytime he tried to play with Janus; the snek walked away with bruises, even if he tried to do something as simple as cleaning.

He just kept failing

Overall, Remus just feels like a failure

He feel into a depressive spiral, and gave up trying to take care of Janus

He knows he shouldn't blame himself, he's a child himself, but he can't help but feel responsible

He has frequent nightmares of the monster that hurt Janus, it was his creation, Janus was in the imagination because of him, therefore it's his fault that Janus has to use the cane

He compares himself to Roman constantly. Like every second of every day

After Janus dragged him out of the depressive spiral, he decided that he will become the world's number one problem until Virgil came out of his cave

It never really worked, only drove Janus to work harder

Remus taught himself to cook when Janus fell into a spiral. So he's actually pretty good at it, the food doesn't always look the most appealing but it's better then burnt food

Even though Remus is an amazing cook, he doesn't do it very often. The lights don't believe him that he can cook, and don't trust him in the kitchen. And everytime he goes back to the dark sides, Janus has already made them dinner

The light sides actually banned Remus from the kitchen. Which honestly makes Remus really upset, he loved cooking

He honestly doesn't consider Roman his brother. Like at all. He considers Janus his brother more then Roman

That being said, Remus often tries to improve his relationship with Roman. Only to be sent away with a snarl

He destroys things because he thinks that he can't make anything perfect, so if he can't make it he doesn't want it

Which is actually only the tip of the iceberg to why he destroys things

He hates that his creations hurt people

He hates that they're considered horrible

He hates that it's all he can make

He hates everything he makes

Remus is honestly terrified of Patton

He has absolutely no control of the things he says

The first thing he ever said to Janus was asking what it would look like if all his scales were ripped out, and he wishes he can erase the sound of his best friend crying from his mind

He simultaneously wants to be as different as Roman as possible, while being as similar as he can get

He wants all the love and appreciation that Roman has, but he hates everything that his brother stands for

He honestly thinks that Roman was overreacting in POF

Is he really THAT bad to be similar to? Does his brother really hate him that much?

Seriously, dinner is very awkward because the twins refuse to even look at eachother

Remus wants nothing else but for Virgil to explain why he left

If Remus could be described in one word, it would be guilt

Chaos is his anchor, when he can't process something properly he makes everyone just as confused as he is

He doesn't remember the last time he watched a movie other then in ATHD

He feels horrible for leaving Janus alone with Orange, but he can't do anything about it

Logan

He's the youngest of the light sides (one year older then Janus) which is part of why he's ignored so much

He honestly misses being friends with Janus, it was relieving to have someone so similar to talk to, Janus was a large part of his support network, which got ripped away

When Thomas left college, Logan wouldn't stop crying for weeks

He only stopped when Patton came into his room for a "pep talk," which was basically a "cut it out, you're scaring everyone" and even though Patton meant the best by it, Logan took that as "Logic doesn't have emotions"

Logan forgets to eat to do work. Every night the other sides have to drag him away from his work to eat, shower, and go to bed

He believes that he's simply there for work, he often tries to skip out on holidays to work and doesn't understand why the other sides want him there

Logan sees himself as boring, plain, and uninteresting

He loves listening to alt and scene music, but is scared that the others would think that he's stealing Virgil's thing

He was present when the King was split. He has nightmares that they would split him too

Underneath all of the "I'm better then you" Logan processes an extreme amount of self hatred

Which kind of stems from when Janus left

After Janus stopped showing up to their meet ups, Logan asked Patton where he went, but Roman interrupted and said that he most likely got bored of hanging out with him

And then there's the "you're the least favorite character" which took a real hit to Logan's self worth

Logan takes the other side's opinions of him very serious

He gets regular panic attacks, but refuses to tell anyone about them

Honestly, his schedule is more like, wake up, have coffee, work, lunch, work, dinner, work, go to bed

He wants nothing more then to give Janus a hug and ask him why he stopped coming to their meetings

Logan refuses to let himself cry, at all

Logan has been denying hugs for years at this point

So he's touch starved

He's honestly only on mutual terms with Virgil, they treat eachother more like colleagues who occasionally hang out.

Believes that if he wasn't there in AA things would have ended the same

He thinks about ducking out almost daily

Just wants to be listened to, and he would tear himself apart to get to that point

He loves Pixar movies, but views them as childish and refuses to watch them

He gets really jumpy around loud noises, which is a problem considering the people he lives with

That's all I got for now.

Feel free to send in another ask if you want more :)

[god-of-dust]

i recently remembered that my fic Liminality was actually part of a bigger story; it’s old and don’t think i will ever complete it, but since @thetpot left me a lovely comment i thought that i could share some of the parts i had written, as a treat.

the story is set in the post-canon world. aang is in his twenties, dealing with grief, ptsd and depression and his avatar responsibilities. on top of that, he realizes that he’s fallen in love with zuko and this causes him to break up with katara; a lot of angst and self-hatred follow, because he feels like he’s breaking the heart of the woman he loves and betraying his best friend too.

so, here are some snippets! note: they’re unedited and also not in chronological order.

[Aang speaks with Avatar Yangchen in the spirit world]

“Avatar Yangchen?”

“Hello, Aang. It seems I'm the one you turned to in your moment of need, this time.”

“Why, though? I didn't think about you, I just... needed someone to talk to, I guess. Someone who has nothing to do with all this.”

“You don't want to have this conversation with any of your friends.”

“They're too close to Katara and I don't want to force them to pick sides.”

“And Fire Lord Zuko is, of course, out of the question.”

“If I saw him now, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut and I'd spill my guts and it would be embarrassing for both and that would only make things even worse... he doesn't deserve this. I'm the one who messed up.”

“Why do you think you messed up?”

“Why? I fell in love with my best friend! I hurt Katara and I'll hurt Zuko too if I don't learn to keep my feelings hidden! I should have hidden them better from the start!”

“Is this what would make you happy? Learning how to hide your feelings, having no one the wiser?”

“I wanted to marry Katara and make her happy for the rest of our lives, and now I ruined our relationship because I just had to be like this! My life couldn't be simple, oh no, I couldn't just be with her, I had to want more—of course I hurt her!”

“I see now the reason you chose me instead of Avatar Roku or Avatar Kyoshi, whether you were aware of it or not. You're missing something crucial... something that not even they would see.”

“What is it?”

“You're an Air Nomad, Aang.”

Aang waited. Since no explanation came, he spoke. “Well, yeah, that's kind of hard to miss.” He gestured at himself, “orange robes, bald head, tattoos—you know, the whole package. I don't see how it should change things, though.”

“You know that, but you forgot what it means. The love you carry in your heart is the truest expression of our heritage. You can't love like Katara does, because you were raised in the Air Temples and your heart knows no boundaries or shame. Most people would consider things like distance, social status, race or gender, but you never put meaning in such limitations. That's the way of Air Nomads, Aang, our way.”

“But Katara loves me too, who cares if she's not an Air Nomad!”

“While her love for you runs deep and fierce, she has a different understanding of what it means. Sometimes, as you experienced, this can cause conflict. Katara expected you to have romantic feelings for her and her only. You certainly love her and did your best to grant her wish in full, but by doing this you failed to see that chain for what it was and how it would hurt you both.”

“This sounds an awful lot like 'you're destined to hurt everyone and you better not try to have a relationship ever again'.”

“I'd say it's more like 'you seem to be naturally inclined to love more than one person in a romantic sense and your culture never repressed this attitude like others would have'.”

“Am I really not capable to feel romantic love for only one person? I think I can learn. I learned a lot of difficult things that opposed my Air Nomad nature, so why not this one? I want to be with Katara. I miss her so much...”

“But you also want to be with Zuko, don't you?”

“I... I can't be with him. That wouldn't be fair.”

“Why not?”

“I don't want to push my feelings on him. I never asked for this and he certainly didn't either!”

“It seems our conversation has come full circle. You insist that Zuko will reject your feelings, that they will cause him distress and pain, but that's an assumption on your part—quite the heavy one, at that. Do you trust your best friend so little?”

“Of course I trust Zuko, I trust him with my life! It's myself I don't trust, and I don't want to jeopardize our friendship!”

“And yet, you treat him like a fragile glass sculpture. The bond you share has weathered way worse than a love confession gone wrong. Zuko himself has weathered worse.”

[Zuko’s pov, reflecting on something that had happened with Aang. i don’t remember if i had a plan for it, but it’s possible that it was actually the Papaya Incident from another fic of mine, He gives me the holiday I needed all the time]

Pebbles lay scattered on the sand, round and shiny from the waves. He picked one up and rolled it between his fingers; it was black, a solid weight, and smooth to the touch when he ran his thumbs over it.

His mind wandered, lulled by the sound of the wind and the sea.

Things with Aang were going well. After the initial period of embarassment on both parts, they'd eventually reached a new stability and stopped obsessing over every little thing they did and said. The hot springs accident had helped a lot and Aang's sun-kissed nature had done the rest; Zuko'd let himself be led, knowing that his friend was the most vulnerable, not to mention the one he trusted to make the right decisions—way more than he trusted himself.

He remembered what the old ladies had told him years before about the Island. Without consciously realizing it before, those words were the reason why Zuko was there—sitting on the beach by himself, holding a rock and waiting for the magic to happen.

A tingling in the back of his head reminded that he didn't know what the water would bring ashore this time. There were still so many sharp angles in him for the sea to smooth over, so many questions that may or may not be best left unanswered.

Nonetheless, he stayed. He'd always been too stubborn for his own good.

He threw the pebble over the water and watched it skirt on the surface. One, two, three, then down with a small plop.

Things with Aang were going well, and yet Zuko was antsy. He'd adapted and was comfortable in their situation, but something had irremediably shifted the night before. Something that was probably brewing slow and deep since Aang's confession.

They weren't kids anymore. It used to be a nostalgic thought for Zuko; it reminded him of how many years had passed already, of the responsibilities on their shoulders. The difference in their ages didn't feel like a chasm anymore, especially since their roles put them on equal ground; they'd matured, losing a big chunk of the recklessness of youth. Zuko'd learned to hold his temper (most of the times) and Aang'd learned to be serious and diplomatic (when needed).

Now, though, their adulthood also held a different kind of weight and Zuko was running out of excuses not to notice.

The arch of Aang's impish grin, the vibrations of his laughter, the scratch of his beard on Zuko's cheek as he hugged him... they pulled at strings that any other friend couldn't reach. Aang had always been special. This was another layer of Zuko's defenses slowly being peeled away, another way in which Aang was turning his life upside down to make him discover new paths and new meaning.

Zuko had never been attracted to a man before, which meant that of course Aang had to be the exception.

There, he'd admitted it, in the privacy of his own head, with the burning circle of the setting sun as a witness. He was attracted to Aang. He was charismatic and funny and handsome and fuck if Zuko hadn't wanted to kiss him the day before.

[more flirting]

“I never noticed that the tattoos on your arms are separated from the one on the back... and I guess the ones on the legs are separate too,” Zuko pondered, lazily following the blue line that traced Aang's spine and disappeared under yellow fabric to reappear again on both of his thighs.

“You've seen me half naked a million times and you're noticing it now?” Aang asked, all cheek and impishness.

“Well, yes, I wasn't really looking though.”

“You weren't, but now you are?” Aang's smirk turned almost lecherous as he wiggled his eyebrows in the most theatrical flirting in history. “I'm flattered, darling, but if you want me to take my clothes off to, ah, 'see the tattoo' you have to wine and dine me first.”

“...you just said I've already seen you half naked and I certainly didn't wine and dine you first.”

“Ah, but that was different—now you're looking!”

“What if I was only pretending not to look?”

“Then you already owe me the wine and dining, even though proper behaviour would have been asking me out before the ogling. I'd say I expected better from the Fire Lord of all people, but I understand the irresistible appeal of my toned, hot body.” He stroke some poses to show off his muscles and Zuko busied himself with a thorough examinations of his own fingernails. It was nothing he hadn't already seen anyway, no need to stare while his friend acted like a dork and interpreted what seemed airbending forms with abandon, since he already knew how Aang looked, thank you very much.

Which is why he was completely unprepared for the sulking, cross-armed Airbender hovering so close that he could taste his body heat.

“Stop ignoring me! Rude!” Aang lamented as a truly wounded man.

It should have been exhausting to deal with all that unbridled shifting energy contained in a single person, the constant pull that kept Zuko's attention inside the vortex that was Aang... and yet, it wasn't, because Zuko wasn't alone in this. Since that day a lifetime ago under the fiery eyes of Dragons, they'd never stopped dancing—they danced and pulled at each other's strings, dug in deep darkness and broke down walls to let the light in.

No force on the Earth could have stopped the blush rising to Zuko's cheeks as the split-second realization brushed his thoughts and exploded with bursting colors.

Spirits, he loved Aang.

Of course, this wasn't exactly new. However, it was the flavor of it, the quality of the burn, hot and vibrating and fierce, the senses amplified by the proximity of the wonderful man before him.

[Aang is acting strangely (bc of depression and all the rest) and the gaang notices]

Toph's inquisitive eyes didn't bear anything good for Aang. Her abilities always allowed her to slip into people's spaces, more often than not in a way that let her obtain blackmail material galore; his heartbeat quickened and he cursed himself because that was just what he needed, another incriminating piece of evidence in her probably already long list... for whatever his crime was.

Katara, Sokka and Suki stared at both of them, unsure of the meaning of their silent conversation.

Aang silently begged for some of his enemies to sweep through the windows and try to kill him. He would take them on all together if needed, as long as he could avoid hearing the next words out of the earthbender's mouth. Could he take a quick trip to the Spirit World? It seemed a nice option, to leave his unconscious body and his friends entirely behind.

Then, Toph opened her mouth.

“Out, Twinkletoes.”

She stomped a foot and raised her arms. Aang was catapulted out of the door, quickly and brutally, before he could realize that she was, in fact, being considerate and granting them privacy. Small mercies, indeed.

“Don't think I don't know that you know I know,” she announced as he pulled his arm until they entered the adjacent room. The ominous echo of the door closing made Aang discover that, mildly considerate Toph or not, in no way did he want to have this conversation.

“So, what's with you and Flame Boy there? Did he ask you to kill him again?”

Subtle as a ostrich horse mating call... or a boulder to the face.

“He didn't do anything, Toph,” Aang answered, trying to cover the giant tangle of mess in his chest with exasperation.

Toph, of course, wasn't fooled. “Makes sense, since he was acting normal—well, normal for his overdramatic royal ass.” She put her hands on her hips, legs apart in her best rooted stance. “So you're the one with the problem, and I bet he doesn't even know.”

“Please. I don't feel like talking about this.” The tiniest crack in his voice, as the surface of an iced lake that could break and swallow him up for a single misstep. His hand found his prayer beads and caressed them.

“Spill,” Toph ordered.

“I said no!” Aang shouted, “leave me alone!”

“While it's nice to meet your backbone again, I'm not going anywhere. Spill.”

Aang's blood was boiling. A distant part of him wondered if he was actually firebending from every pore of his body, like a human torch of anger. She taught him to stand his ground, didn't she? He was going to show her how good of a student he was. He didn't own her any explanation for anything. “Why do you have to be like this? It's always a game to you, poking and prodding at things that are not yours to know! Can't you see that I'm already miserable enough as it is?”

“I can see it quite well and I'm blind, Aang—that's exactly why I'm doing this! You've been moping anxiously and hiding it from everyone for months. I'm sick of your shit, you're obviously not managing to fix whatever the problem is, and you're going to tell me what's wrong right now!”

“Moping anxiously?” He laughed, an ugly sound, like scratching the bottom of a barrel. “So if I don't act all light-and-laughter every single moment of my life, you get 'sick of my shit'? How about you let me live and have emotions like a normal human being?”

“I would have bashed any other human being's head in for being so infuriating. You're lucky I'm trying to help you, though you don't seem to give a shit!”

The echoing silence constricted his chest. His temples pulsed. His eyes burned. They weren't getting anywhere, it was exhausting, he just wanted it to end.

“It's not just Zuko, isn't it?” Toph said too softly, after a too long pause. That gentleness didn't belong on her voice and Aang hated it.

“This isn't any of your business. I'm leaving,” Aang spat out.

He turned, ripped the door open and disappeared into the corridor; Toph didn't feel his footsteps—he'd probably airbended his way out of the building.

She shook his head, wide eyes staring into nothingness. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Twinkletoes?”

[follow-up to the previous scene]

“So, I may have royally fucked up,” Toph announced, spreading her arms in a dramatic fashion.

“What did you do to him?” Katara asked sharply. Toph registered her body humming with pent up energy, coiled and ready to snap.

“Yeah, what did you do? I haven't heard Aang raising his voice in years. You must have delivered some serious ass kicking,” Sokka added. At least it seemed like he wasn't sharpening his sword—not yet.

“I asked him what the hell's wrong and he blew up on me.”

Katara's eyebrows furrowed and she slowly asked, “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Toph enunciated, “that he's acting weird. Weird as in he's got issues and he doesn't want to acknowledge them and he's shutting us out because he thinks that pretending to be fine is serving some sort of purpose when obviously it doesn't.”

Katara wasn't a ball of menacing vibrations anymore. In fact, she was unnaturally still—hesitating. “What do you mean, 'issues'?”

“Does he seem okay to you? Don't tell me you, of all people, haven't noticed! His responses are off, he speaks like he's reading from a script, he pulls out his magic avoidance tricks whenever we try to have any sort of meaningful interaction with him!”

“Of course I noticed,” Katara sighed. “I've been worried—really worried—since Bumi's funeral. I know that everyone mourns differently, but... he buried his friend and the next day he was already busy with some ambassador duty for the Northern Water Tribe. When I offered him support, he smiled and changed the subject. I thought that maybe Air Nomads have a different understanding of death, that this detachment is part of his culture. I should have trusted my intuition from the start instead of letting him sweep everything under the rug.”

[Aang and Katara break up]

“It's Zuko, isn't it.”

Aang squeezed his eyes shut. There was no hiding this. “Yes.”

“You clearly love him—it's so obvious now that I let myself see it.”

“Katara... I'm so sorry.”

“Please, don't. This is... I don't know what to say. Just—go to him, be happy together, whatever you need to do. Just go, Aang. I can't do this.”

He couldn't do this either. To see Katara, his strong, fierce Katara, with trembling lips and wet eyes was torture.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated, “I'm so sorry.”

He broke her heart. He loved her. He hurt her.

So he did what he always did: he ran away.

[Aang’s confession, first version]

“Aang, why didn't you tell me?”

“Tell you?” Aang questioned.

“About you and Katara,” Zuko answered. “I mean, you don't have to tell me, but apparently everyone else knew and I was the only one left out of the loop. Did I do something wrong?”

“No, Zuko. It's just...” Aang gestured weakly, like he was trying to conjure the right words from thin air.

Zuko waited for Aang to elaborate. It didn't happen. They kept feeding the turtleducks in silence, Zuko sitting cross-legged with his back propped on the tree and Aang with his pants rolled up and his feet in the water.

“Aang, I didn't want to pry or make you uncomfortable. It's your business—and Katara's, I guess... anyway, not mine. So, uh... sorry.” He scratched the back of his neck, self-consciously.

Silence, again, thick and full of undecipherable things.

When their eyes met, hundreds of lives dwelled behind Aang's gaze, heavy with unspeakable burdens. The eyes of the Avatar, reflections of a long, unbroken line of heroes and protectors. They had lived, they had seen.

Too much for Zuko, whose chest tightened in the struggle to catch his breath. What was happening? This Aang was so vulnerable, so... raw. Rarely had he seen his friend so close to unraveling.

“You don't have to apologize. You're right, I didn't tell you, but it wasn't because of something you did—it's because you're you, and I couldn't deal with it.”

“I'm... me? What is that supposed to mean?”

“I love you,” Aang said. “That's why Katara broke up with me, why I couldn't tell you. I love you and it's a mess.”

Aang's words might as well had been shouted, for how they left Zuko stranded and grasping at something, anything that was supposed to make sense of what he'd just heard. Because surely there was an explanation. Aang loved Katara to death and beyond. This was some kind of elaborate joke that Zuko hadn't caught up on.

“Come on, what really happened?”

Walls shut off any reaction from the Air Nomad. He was in business mode—imperturbable, collected, the perfect picture of the perfect hero; his smile was so fake it gave Zuko the creeps as he said: “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have burdened you with this. I'm leaving.”

This wasn't supposed to happen. It was happening all the same, though, and this was the crossroad where years of friendship could slip like water through Zuko's fingers if he didn't do something to stop it.

He was still petrified.

His hand moved and grabbed Aang's wrist and made him turn. They were face to face, touching yet almost unreachable. Almost.

“Don't go. I don't want you to—” leave me.

No flicker of acknowledgment from under Aang's façade of rocks and hollowness, though he'd stopped in his tracks and now stood there, staring, with Zuko still holding his wrist.

“I don't know what to say. This is... unexpected and I will probably need time to digest it, but please, don't go like this. We can talk.”

“I betrayed you.”

“What are you talking about?”

The façade was starting to fall apart.

“We were friends and I fell for you. You trusted me and I had to ruin everything with this. I'm sorry.”

What the hell? “Okay, you know what? Now I'm getting pissed,” Zuko growled. “You didn't ruin anything! Stop this fucking ridiculous guilt-trip right now!”

“This isn't a ridiculous guilt-trip!” Aang yelled, and there it was, the fire that burned down the walls.

“I'm shocked to discover that my best friend's in love with me since I had no fucking clue before this conversation, but guess what? It's not the end of the fucking world! You should know better, since you saved it once already!”

“How can you be okay with this?! It's creepy and it's wrong!”

“Do you want me to hate you? Because it seems like that's what you're waiting for, and you refuse to accept that I don't hate you at all!”

[Aang’s confession, second version]

“Why didn't you tell me that you and Katara broke up? I had to hear it fom Suki, of all people!”

“Oh. That. I, uh... kind of didn't want to tell you.”

“So it was on purpose! And you're evading my question.”

“It's... um. Complicated?”

“Did you cheat on her with Mai? I might have to challenge you to an Agni Kai for that.”

Aang choked on air, which made Zuko's eyebrows rise. “Please don't tell me you did it for real.”

“I didn't cheat on Katara, and especially not with Mai.”

“Thank Spirits. I wouldn't be able to win in a duel against you. So, what happened? Suki said she didn't know and she seemed sincere.”

“No one else knows, just me and Katara.”

“Is it a secret? I won't pry if it is.” He was so very curious, though—it was clear as the water from the pond in front of them.

“Definitely something that I wouldn't want people to know, yeah,” Aang said. He fidgeted, playing with his necklace and stroking its wooden shapes. “But you probably should.”

“I should?” The conversation was becoming weirder by the minute. “Well, tell me then.”

Zuko turned to face his friend and—was Aang blushing? The back of Zuko's neck prickled, a familiar yet undecipherable sensation. What was going on?

“Look, Zuko, I... uh...” Aang stuttered. He covered one of his eyes with a hand and took a deep, steadying breath, then muttered: “Ugh, it's like pulling teeth. Worse than learning Earthbending.”

Lacking a decent answer to that, Zuko waited for Aang to catch his thoughts, whatever they were.

Aang tried again. “You know we're friends, right?”

“Yeah,” Zuko replied, hesitant.

“I'm in love with you.”

“...what?”

The can of worms had been opened and Zuko could only listen and stare, mouth agape, as the Air Nomad barreled on. “One day I realized that what I felt for you was different than friendship and—I'd always chalked that up to you being you, you know? You've always been special to me, but it's such a tender feeling and it scared me a little, and when I talked about it to Katara she got mad and cried and broke up with me. So, uh, that's what happened.”

Turtleducks paddled happily on the water, the mother guiding her little offspring in swaying curves to peck at the breadcrumbs the two men had thrown for them. There was so much green in the garden, so much peace and sweet birdsongs. Time had no weight nor shape here.

It was Zuko's turn to be utterly uneloquent.

“That's... not what I was expecting. At all.” A memory suddenly surfaced and his face coloured. “Wait, so that time at the hot springs—you did it on purpose?”

“What? Spirits, Zuko, no!”

“Well, what should I think? You come here and you tell me that you're in love with me since who knows how long, I'm sort of freaking out right now!”

“Nothing changed! If you didn't realize before I told you, why are you so worried?”

“I—it's weird, okay?” Zuko bellowed. “And you can't say nothing changed, you've been in love with Katara for so long, and now you're not, and you love me!”

“But I do love Katara.”

“What? How?”

“What do you mean, 'how'?”

“Well, it's either one or the other, no? You must have a... preference or something for her or me.” He paused. “I can't believe I'm having this conversation.”

The sky was immensely blue, the perfect day for a ride on Appa, and Aang, too, couldn't believe he was having this conversation—but, surreal as it was, it was also necessary. Zuko was proving the point Avatar Yang Chen had made to Aang years before: Air Nomads had a particular outlook on life and love that clashed with the other cultures'.

So, it was the moment where Aang had to explain love to his (other) beloved all over again.

“I don't have a 'preference', I really love you both... there's no way to compare because you're not Katara and Katara isn't you, and in any case I don't care because you're both fundamental, irreplaceable elements in my life. I'm not expecting you to love me back, but it's very important to me to be your friend.” He touched Zuko's arm softly, a question for reassurance, and his voice was clear but low. “Can we be friends? You know—after this?”

The stutter followed by a lack of words, Zuko's averted eyes... they fed the pit in Aang's stomach, a slime-covered, abyss-dwelling monster, but he couldn't—wouldn't—force his hand. This was it, yet another crucial moment in their lives that made them or broke them.

“Your friendship has survived worse,” Avatar Yang Chen had said, so Aang closed his eyes and waited for the monster to strike or leave. I've survived worse, too. I'll be okay.

When Zuko got up and started pacing, Aang decided that focusing his own attention on something else was the best way to leave him space. It's a good sign that he didn't punch me in the face, right? He wouldn't still be here and pacing if he hated me. That doesn't sound like Zuko, he's way too impulsive to not explode in a situation like this. He's probably confused, and stuff. Yes.

He let his eyes wander, a bit more hopeful. Focusing on something else... like the turtleducks, who looked inviting indeed, all tiny and fluffed up and cute.

He took a piece of bread from the satchel and spread the crumbs in the grass in front of him with all the art he could muster; satisfied, he watched and waited. C'mon, there's food here! Delicious bread, just for you! Momo would have been on the loaf way before it was pulled out from the bag. They barely deigned him and his prize a glance. Rude! But he still wanted to pet them, because they were adorable. Making sounds to attract them would interrupt Zuko's brooding.

What to do?

Perhaps they wouldn't shy away if he got closer.

A man on a mission, Aang creeped towards the edge of the pond, slow and silent like the trained monk he was. One of his targets seemed to notice him and tilted its head curiously. Hello, little one. By some miracle, it started to head in Aang's direction.

[Bumi’s funeral]

It was more of a drizzle than rain, really. Tiny, steady droplets of water pelted softly Aang's smooth head and bare arms. The sky was partecipating in their mourning like the kind old friend that it was.

Omashu's mail service wasn't operative; a gentle stream slid down the railing instead. Bumi would have loved to slide on the now wet road—he probably did it every time the occasion arose, Aang mused.

Except now Bumi rested, too still, in an elaborately carved yet solid wooden box and wouldn't go sliding in the mail system ever again.

The King of Omashu was dead.

Bumi was dead, and with him the last person who'd survived from Aang's life before the iceberg. Now he was with the others, and they weren't gone... but they weren't with Aang either. They were spirits now. No one, not a single one would walk on Earth anymore—they would play in the crowded, sunny courtyard in the Air Nomad's memories, to be remembered and cherished with smiling faces and bright hearts.

[Aang and Aunt Wu aka the fortuneteller]

“First Katara, then Guru Pathik, then you! Why is everyone like this? Why can't anyone just give me a straight answer for once, instead of acting like my life is a series of riddles to solve? This 'fated Avatar' thing's gotten old and I'm tired of it!” He can barely breathe, his own element betraying him, and his voice cracks as the wood of a funeral pyre as he goes on. “Is this what I saved the world for? Giving everyone else a future where they belong, by sacrificing mine?”

“An interesting question, Avatar.”

“MY NAME IS AANG!” he yells, desperate, selfish as the day he was born, when all he cared for was survival; he feels stripped as raw and defenseless as then, tender skin in a world too bright and big, unable to carry himself through it and crying his heart out to fill his lungs with life.

He grits his teeth, suffocating the instinct to spill more useless words that he won't be able to take back.

[candied-peach]

peach’s masterlist 📚

this will almost certainly be always out of date, but i’m doing my best. ♡

this is most of my one-shots. all my multi-chapters are on ao3.

gen:

“oreo”: gen, fluff, sympathetic deceit. patton has a secret.

“trapped within my skin”: gen, hurt/comfort, platonic intruanxceit, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: self harm, violence, intrusive thoughts. remus can’t help it. if only thomas would believe him.

“scared of me”: gen, hurt/comfort, angst with a happy ending. warnings: self harm, eating disorders, panic attacks, touch starvation, emetophobia. it was easy when they didn’t care.     -chapter one -chapter two -chapter three -chapter four

“i’ll fall apart”: solo, smut. warnings: anxiety, masturbation. virgil’s embarrassed, but he can’t help it.

moxiety:

“safe harbors”: platonic moxiety, hurt/comfort. warnings: anxiety attacks, implied self-harm. when virgil has a panic attack, patton’s always there.

“cozy mornings”: moxiety, fluff. when virgil can’t sleep, he likes to watch the sun rise.

“the big picture”: moxiety, fluff. warnings: anxiety mention, spiders mention. patton finds a calming activity.

“eight-legged surprises”: moxiety, fluff. warnings: spiders, arachnophobia. patton meets virgil’s pets.

“hot chocolate”: moxiety, fluff. warnings: food, pre-accepting anxiety. virgil and patton share a hot chocolate.

“soft embrace”: moxiety, fluff. warnings: food. patton and virgil share a midnight cuddle.

prinxiety:

“night time butterflies”: prinxiety, fluff. warnings: insomnia. virgil can’t sleep.

“sunsets”: prinxiety, hurt/comfort, remus mentioned. virgil’s hiding out in the imagination until a certain someone finds him. 

“to hold at bay”: prinxiety, fluffy hurt/comfort. warnings: panic attacks. virgil has always been scared of storms.

“sweet dreams”: prinxiety, fluff. virgil attends a sleepover.

“fight or flight”: prinxiety, hurt/comfort. warnings: panic attacks, self hatred. virgil has a panic attack.

“hold my hand”: prinxiety, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: eating disorders, anxiety. virgil has a secret.

“baby, i’ve already got your heart”: prinxiety, fluff. warnings: stalking (but not really). virgil loves roman. maybe too much.

“buttercup yellow”: prinxiety, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: poisoning, self harm, panic attacks. virgil’s curiosity leads him into trouble.

“i’ll sleep when i’m dead”: prinxiety, fluff. virgil can’t sleep. neither can roman.

“petals red as blood”: prinxiety, hurt/comfort. warnings: hanahaki disease, blood. it figures this would happen to roman. 

“noctem”: prinxiety, fluff. warnings: nightmares. virgil isn’t having a good night.

“shades of grey”: prinxiety, fluff, sympathetic remus. virgil finds roman in the imagination.

“safety blanket”: prinxiety, fluff. virgil’s hoodie is missing.

“burning like a phoenix”: prinxiety, hurt/comfort. warnings: slight touch starvation. roman gets a hug. 

roceit:

“star dusted”: roceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food, pda. deceit doesn’t always tell lies.

“into silent slumber”: roceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: hypnosis. roman can’t sleep after a show. deceit helps him out.

“it’s called confidence”: roceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. roman returns the favor.

“lazy afternoons”: roceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. deceit likes to bask in roman’s room.

“fire in my chest”: roceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: depression, anxiety attacks. it’s pointless. he knows that much. (it’s not.)      -”chapter one” -”chapter two”

“falling for you”: roceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: minor injuries. deceit has an accident.

“up on a hill”: roceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit goes sledding for the first time.

“hold my hand”: roceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. deceit has a present.

“see the sun”: roceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. deceit’s never liked the holidays much. until now.

anxceit:

“fragile”: anxceit, fluff. virgil loves holding his boyfriend’s hand.

“tag you’re it”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: panic attacks, age regression. deceit and virgil aren’t always at odds.

“to paint a sunrise”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. virgil introduces his hobby to his boyfriend.

“auld lang syne”: anxceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit, remus mention. warnings: panic attacks. after the trial, virgil has a visitor.

“plans and portents”: anxceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. virgil is done.

“falling for you”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. deceit considers himself lucky. virgil feels the same way. 

“cold hands”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food mention. deceit is cold. again.

“the poison in my bones”: anxceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: self harm, self hatred. deceit has a bad day.

“soft breaths”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: panic attacks. deceit helps virgil calm down.

“trick or treat”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus mention. warnings: food. virgil and deceit make halloween cookies.

“baby bat”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: age regression. deceit finds virgil in the closet.

“inside your head”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: nightmares. deceit has nightmares.

“sweet as sugar”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus mention. warnings: food. deceit and virgil bake christmas cookies.

“mittened”: anxceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food. virgil has something for his boyfriend.

analogical:

“stargazing”: analogical, fluff. logan loves the stars.

“color coded”: analogical, fluff. logan’s not the only one who takes notes.

“cuddle fatigue”: analogical, fluff. logan’s door is always open.

“vulnerable”: analogical, fluff. virgil likes to watch the sun rise.

“here comes a thought”: analogical, fluff. logan gives virgil a present.

“i’ve come alive”: analogical, smut. warnings: hand jobs. virgil and logan have a moment.

“eye of the storm”: analogical, fluff. it’s irrational to be afraid of storms. logan knows this. it doesn’t help.

“nebulae”: analogical, fluff. virgil visits his boyfriend.

“not an ember”: analogical, fluff. virgil and logan cuddle to solve a mutual problem.

dukeceit:

“without a spindle”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. remus plays in the imagination.

“goody two shoes”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: violent thoughts, age regression. sometimes it’s easier for remus to shut it all off.

“i know you can hear me”: dukeceit, angsty fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: kidnapping overtones at the beginning. deceit wakes up, chained up. again.

“gently with a chainsaw”: dukeceit, angsty fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: self hatred, sexual implications. deceit hates the scales on his face. remus loves him.

“on your best behavior”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts, blood, violence mention. deceit and remus have a chat post-episode.

“acceptance”: dukeceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: intrusive thoughts. deceit’s tired of his treatment by the so-called light sides. remus just wants his boyfriend to feel better.

“hours after midnight”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit has a hard time sleeping until remus helps him out.

“like a car crash”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: intrusive thoughts, crime shows, murder mention, food. deceit and remus watch tv.

“discarded”: dukeceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. remus waits. deceit waits with him.

“stitched shut”: dukeceit, angst, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: self harm, suicidal thoughts, mild gore, blood. the others don’t want him to lie? fine. but he’s choosing his own way of going about it. the others are horrified.

“snake face”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. deceit’s shedding.

“behind my face, above my throat”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: migraines, emeto maybe. deceit has a migraine. remus is surprisingly helpful.

“(lack of) self preservation”: dukeceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: suicide attempt, intrusive thoughts, unsympathetic roman/patton/virgil (mildly). remus is lucky to have deceit. he doesn’t care what the others think. he never has.

“dashing through the snow”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit hates the cold.

“do you hear what i hear”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit and remus have their own caroling tradition.

“did i say that out loud”: dukeceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: suicidal thoughts, self hatred. he knows they don’t care about him. so why does it hurt so much?

“found family”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit reflects.

“on thin ice”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit attempts ice skating.

“peppermint sticks”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: food. so much for a good impression.

“glass ornaments”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. who gave remus something breakable?

“coming home”: dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: food. deceit and remus join the light sides’ holidays.

“still standing”: dukeceit, angst with a happy ending, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: food, blood, cheating implication. sometimes the best present is each other. and perhaps a milkbone?

intrulogical:

“better than jam”: intrulogical, fluffy hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts, anxiety attacks, mild unsympathetic roman. sometimes remus doesn’t feel worthy.

“class is in session”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: pda. logan gets tutored.

“oatmeal raisin surprise”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts, food. remus helps logan bake.

“lost in the stars”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. remus gives logan a present.

“domesticated bliss”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts, food. remus takes logan to the imagination.

“i’m the bad guy”: intrulogical, fluffy hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. logan is better at comfort than he thinks he is. 

“the brightest star”: intrulogical, fluffy hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: intrusive thoughts. remus doesn’t understand why logan’s in love with him.

“breakfast in bed”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: food. remus wants to treat his boyfriend.

“octopuses give the best hugs”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: age regression. remus has a surprise.

“alexithymia”: intrulogical, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. logan’s sad. remus knows how to fix that.

“aquarium”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus. remus takes logan to the aquarium.

“everything is blue”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus. remus paints logan’s nails.

“sinking paradise”: intrulogical, fluff, sympathetic remus. remus and logan visit a special aquarium.

“as i whisper in your ear”: intrulogical, angst with a happy ending, sympathetic remus. warnings: unsympathetic roman/patton/virgil. remus is used to the trash. he’s not used to logan.

“not so fake happy”: intrulogical, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. warnings: sensory overload. sometimes remus needs logan.

moceit:

“chocolate chip cookies”: moceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: self harm. deceit’s not as good at hiding as he thinks he is.

“sunlight”: moceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food. he just wants to be warm.

“baby noodle goes blep”: moceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: age regression. in which deceit has had too much and regresses.

“movie night blues”: moceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit goes to movie night.

“bittersweet”: moceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food. deceit finds patton baking.

“atop the tree”: moceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. deceit helps with last minute decorations.

logince:

“trace the galaxies”: logince, fluff. logan visits the imagination.

“ribbons of stars”: logince, fluff. roman plays with logan’s hair.

“ribbons of gold”: logince, fluff, sympathetic remus. roman and logan have a moment.

logicality:

“taste test”: logicality, fluff. warnings: food. patton conducts an experiment.

“icing the galaxy”: logicality, fluff. warnings: food. patton makes brownies.

loceit: 

“a time for thaw”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: age regression. when logan can’t take it anymore, he regresses.

“legally binding”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. deceit wants cuddles. logan is happy to oblige.

“of snakes and stars”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food. logan and deceit have a date.

“bluebells for the soul”: loceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: hanahaki disease, blood, suicide attempt. deceit wishes that he was better at lying to himself.

“mini marshmallows”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food. logan and deceit spend a quiet evening in.

“gift giving”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. logan has something for deceit.

“aurora borealis”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. logan takes deceit on a date.

“silver and cold”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. logan cuddles a sleepy snek.

“burnished kaleidoscope”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. logan helps deceit take care of his scales.

“all the stars in the sky”: loceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. logan needs a distraction.

dukexiety:

“check my vital signs”: dukexiety, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: self harm. virgil’s having a bad night.

“ginger tea”: dukexiety, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: food, emetophobia mention, clowns mention. remus helps out.

“haunted house”: dukexiety, fluff, sympathetic remus. it’s halloween season.

“the wings of a butterfly”: dukexiety, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. warnings: implied self harm. remus finds virgil drawing butterflies.

intruloceit:

“midnight’s reminder”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. it’s time to go to bed.

“heat seeking”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit loves to cuddle his boyfriends.

“night time routine”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: touch starvation. deceit has a message for logan.

“soft pretzels”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts, food. remus takes his boyfriends to the imagination.

“as the sun begins to rise”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. logan works too hard.

“letters by my bed”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: migraines, emetophobia. logan has a migraine. his new boyfriends are here to help.

“until midnight fades”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. logan just wants to sleep.

“icicles”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit’s cold again.

“soft whimsy”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. it’s cuddle time.

“until sundown”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: hypothermia. deceit stays in the cold too long.

“pillow forts”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. deceit doesn’t do winter. 

“peace on earth”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: food. deceit spends a quiet night in with his boyfriends.

“constellations on the ceiling”: intruloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. sleepy cuddles are the best.

wrathality:

“if every cupcake were perfect”: wrathality, fluff. warnings: food. patton and wrath make cupcakes. it goes better than expected.

“more bitter than sweet”: wrathality, fluff. warnings: food, anger issues. patton’s the sunshine to his storm.

“nothing like the others”: wrathality, hurt/comfort. warnings: minor self harm. wrath has a moment. his boyfriend comforts him.

“everything in between”: wrathality, fluff. wrath’s not the only one who has bad days.

royality:

“morning light”: royality, fluff. roman and patton cuddle.

“rose kissed”: royality, fluff. the boys do each other’s makeup.

“star freckled”: royality, fluff. roman loves his boyfriend so much.

losleep:

“sleepy time”: losleep, fluff. warnings: food. happy birthday, remy!

moduke:

“kittens”: moduke, fluff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. remus gets creative.

“to love like you”: moduke, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. warnings: self harm. remus finds out a secret.

“made with love”: moduke, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: food. remus has a question.

“milkshakes”: moduke, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: food. remus brings patton a surprise.

“cookies for the soul”: moduke, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: food, intrusive thoughts. remus has bad days. patton relates.

anxceitmus:

“follow me to sweet dreams”: anxceitmus/intruanxceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: nightmares. virgil has a nightmare.

“birthday wishes”: anxceitmus, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: food. blow out your candles, virgil!

analoceit:

“find the stars”: analoceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: self harm, panic attacks. virgil’s boyfriends help with the aftermath of a panic attack.

“put it back together”: analoceit, fluffy hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: anxiety attacks. virgil loves his boyfriends.

“the monster under my bed”: analoceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: age regression. virgil’s not scared. honest.

“hush little baby”: analoceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic deceit. warnings: age regression. virgil shouldn’t have read that.

roloceit:

“fairytale picnics”: roloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food. roman takes his boyfriends to the imagination.

“listening”: roloceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. roman, logan, and deceit have a moment after the courtroom.

royaliceit:

“something borrowed”: royaliceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. patton’s scarf is missing.

“together breakfast”: royaliceit, fluff, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food. happy birthday, patton!

moceitmus:

“gingerbread houses”: moceitmus, fluff, sympathetic deceit, sympathetic remus. warnings: food. deceit decorates a gingerbread house.

“christmas cookies”: moceitmus, fluff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food, cannibalism mention. deceit decorates cookies with his boyfriends. it sort of goes to plan.

analodemus:

“snowed in”: analodemus, fluff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food. remus might have made a mistake.

“what you always wanted”: analodemus, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: self harm. logan’s fine. really.

dlamp:

“nyctophobia”: dlamp, fluff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food mention, phobia of the dark. roman’s afraid of the dark.

“lovesick”: platonic dlamp, fluff, sickfic, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. patton has a problem.

“the best medicine”: dlamp, fluff, sickfic, sympathetic deceit. warnings: food, age regression. logan knows what to do when his caregivers are sick...right?

creativitwins:

“turn my nightmares into dreams”: creativitwins, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. remus has a bad night.

“my brother’s keeper”: creativitwins, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings:  unsympathetic patton (he doesn’t mean to be, but he is), intrusive thoughts. once upon a time, they were one.

“safety in dangerous practices”: creativitwins, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. it’s time to go to bed. roman disagrees.

“reunited”: creativitwins, fluff, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. roman comes back.

“you should see me in a crown”: creativitwins, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. warnings: mild unsympathetic patton. roman has a secret.

“of knights and crowns”: creativitwins, fluff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: fear of heights. roman’s not supposed to be the one who needs rescuing.

“shadows will scream”: creativitwins, background dukeceit, fluff, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: migraines, emetophobia, patton is a little rude. roman has migraines. they have stuff for that.

“once upon a time”: creativitwins, platonic roceit, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit. warnings: blood, injuries. roman and deceit watch over remus. he doesn’t appreciate it.

“the other side”: creativitwins, fluff, sympathetic remus, kid fic. roman is brave. remus is braver.

“try to wake up”: creativitwins, hurt/comfort, sympathetic remus. warnings: intrusive thoughts. remus has nightmares.

[glitchonline]

Gaming: My Long Lost Best Friend.

By Zoey Ribbons

Me and video games go a long way back. From my earliest memories with a Nintendo 64, my relationship with gaming is a long and complex one.  The vast majority of my life up until a few years ago was spent with a gamepad in hand, exploring new worlds to escape the reality I found myself in. A reality where I was alone, confused, anxious, and downright depressed. To the outside world, I was someone who could quite possibly be classified as addicted to gaming, a disorder which has just been classified by the World Health Organisation a few weeks ago. I’m not someone who believes this choice by the WHO to be the right one since in my opinion humans can be conditioned to become addicted to anything. I do, however, understand the appeal of losing yourself in a world that is not your own to numb the pain of day to day life.

I suppose to understand how my fascination with video games started you first need to understand a little of my backstory. I was born in 1993, right on the cusp of the revolutionary switch from 2D to 3D graphics. My parents separated when I was one year old, with my Mother holding onto the fact that my Father left her with a burning hatred which bled out onto me and my sister. My dad bought me a Nintendo 64 for my birthday when I was 5, with Diddy Kong Racing being a staple between us in those early years.

I went through 18 years of my life thinking it was normal for boys to want to be girls, before having the brutal realization that no, that was not the case. I came out as Transgender when I was 19, suffering from a lot of deep-rooted depression and anxiety before and after that time. At least my doctors told me it was just that. I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar disorder when I was 25, which to me came as a relief due to years of living in limbo, not knowing what was wrong with me.  

As you can imagine, this was the perfect mixture of circumstances to create someone who was looking for the sweet fix of escapism. I was unhappy and anxious at home most of the time, so what better way to ignore that than to shut myself in my room with a PlayStation? I was an outcast in my all-male social group at school and lived an hour away from the school itself, so I was never a kid who went out to play until the break of night. I would get home from school and the first thing I would do was to boot up a game for the night. I’d have a break to eat, and possibly spend a bit of time with my family in the rare moments that tensions weren’t running too high. I didn’t need someone to tell me I played a lot of games, I had the save data utility of a PlayStation 3 to tell me.

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion =  700+ hours. Demon’s Souls =  600 Hours. Metal Gear Online = Another 600. Fallout 3: 300 Hours. And this is just a select few games from memory, for one console generation. Weekdays, weekends, holidays, all the time. If I was away from my main console for too long, I wouldn’t get irate, just unhappy. At least if I went on holiday I could bring a portable console with me, but forcing me to be away from even that… I would just be miserable.

I think my parents knew this. It was clear to them I was an unhappy child and teen. Even during the peak of “Video games will ruin your children” hysteria of the early to mid-2000’s, my parents would leave me be. No restrictions on time, age rating, or any specific content. They would try and coax me out of staying in my room, but nothing ever worked. Video games and I were just synonymous with each other at this point, and everyone around me knew that.

While it might sound like I’m painting my experience with games in a negative light, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I consider my relationship with video games in my youth to have played a formative role on the person I am today.

Firstly, video games taught me to be tenacious. After spending so much time playing games, more so competitive multiplayer during the seventh generation of consoles, It’s safe to say I got pretty good at them. Video games nurtured a drive in me for competition, and more so, not giving up. This all happened quite early on. My Dad will never let me forget when I was a kid, no older than 7, who cried in frustration over and over when I couldn’t beat the final boss of Diddy Kong Racing. Sure, I got angry with games, and still did even in my teens. But I never gave up, a trait which now applies to all aspects of what I do in life. It’s a trait I am extremely proud of.

The pride itself from being good at games was also something that I held on to. It may sound a bit sad, but for a kid going through a pretty depressive and emotionally abusive upbringing, being good at games made me happy. If I’m being honest with myself, video games were probably the primary reason I wasn’t having nervous breakdowns throughout my teens. I was a very lucky kid in that I was very bright at school without having to put in practically any effort. So I could spend most of my times playing games without the stress that I was messing up my life in any substantial way. Being hooked on virtual worlds was a pretty mellow vice in the grand scheme of things, a fact I learnt quite quickly upon going to university. Cannabis and alcohol became my new favourite forms of escapism during that time, starting the journey of my break away from video games.

I barely made it through university with a passing grade. Quite the fall from the straight-A student who never had to try. Unfortunately, it took me 4 more years from graduation to reach a point in my life where I considered “my shit to be sorted out”. Video games still stayed with me until then, but it was never quite the same. As I grew older and started asking myself why I felt the need to escape all the time, I started to slowly fix myself. Video games started taking a back seat in my life to the point where my experience with gaming from dusk till dawn became a distant memory. It actually feels like more like an impossibility for me now.

My relationship with video games is now something far more casual. While I still hold a deep love and admiration for them in my heart, I tend to break up playing into hour-long chunks or so before I start getting bored. I’ve missed out on this entire console generation, something which a teenage me would have thought was an unbelievable concept. I still follow the newest releases with great curiosity, but will happily wait for a game I’m interested in to go on sale before I pick it up.

Even though I play games far less than I used to, it’s not to say I am less interested in them. Quite the opposite in fact, as I now see games as being far more than simple tools for me to run away to. Games for me now are wonderful, curious things that I will always have a deep-rooted respect for. Whether it’s the visual beauty you see in something from Supergiant Games, the incredible storylines from a series such as The Witcher, or simply the game design of something quirky and fun like Enter the Gungeon.

Games as art forms now act as a springboard into my own creative mind. As an aspiring writer and animator, where better to go to find inspiration than a good video game? Watch Dogs 2 was a recent release for me that simply filled me with awe every time I played it, from its beautifully coloured rendition of San Francisco to the incredible design, writing and performances behind its great cast of characters.

Video games are simply incredible. The talent and passion that goes into creating titles that can stay with you for a lifetime is simply immense. We all have our own personal relationships with video games, and I would not change mine for the world. Video games were there for me when I needed them the most. They got me through some incredibly difficult times, often when I felt I had no one else to turn to.

Very few other mediums can claim to have such impacts on our lives as video games do. Games can be whatever you want them to be. Whether that be a tool to help switch your brain off after work, a way to help you see somewhere new and exciting, or just somewhere to relieve a bit of stress. I’ll always love video games, no matter how old I get. I can’t wait to see what amazing things come out next.

[facadesmiled]

A REALLY LONG CHARACTER  SURVEY. RULES.  repost , don’t  reblog  ! tag  10  ! good  luck  ! TAGGED.  @maxabre​ ( thank you mate ! ! ♥ ) TAGGING. Imma tag some of my new followers, so @suitshinigami​, @hackinggod​, @pareidae​, @animaltamerbeast​, @bcwtruckled​, @hypnohatter​ and also @kniifethrower​, @godschose​, @solisnumen​, @moanaialiki​, and... oh heck, whoever feels like it. You go guys. *thumbs up*

❤ FULL NAME :  Edmund John Clemence Taylor NICKNAME : Joker ( technically his name / alias, since his real one is unknown. ) AGE : 25 BIRTHDAY : April 2nd, 1863 ETHNIC GROUP : English NATIONALITY : English LANGUAGE / S : English, some French and German. Learning Spanish currently. SEXUAL ORIENTATION : Asexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : Panromantic. Has no preference to either women or men. Basically swings every which way. RELATIONSHIP STATUS : Is normally single, though is mainly dating Beast or Clopin ( @pitroi​ ). CLASS : Circuses don’t really have a set class. Though, as he was adopted by Baron Kelvin, he technically is from a high class. HOME TOWN / AREA : London, England, specifically the East End. CURRENT HOME : the grounds of the Noah’s Ark Circus. Secondary home is the manor of Baron Kelvin.  PROFESSION : Ringmaster and part time clown of the Noah’s Ark Circus, Joker leads his family and enjoys making their audience laugh. Behind the vibrant curtains, however, he’s a kidnapper for Baron Kelvin; he kidnaps children and kills anyone who gets in his way. In the Alive!AU, he works tech and backstage in general at an Opera House in London.

❤ PHYSICAL. HAIR : Ginger, hangs down a little bit past his ears when not pulled up. Tied into little braids at the back, which are bleached at the end and hang down to the top of his back. EYES : A vibrant purple colour. FACE : Very soft and gentle, with little lines around his eyes and corners of his mouth from where he’s been smiling all the time. He also normally wears makeup, though it’s mostly around his eyes. A light blue teardrop made of facepaint droops down from his left eye. LIPS : Average sized, though occasionally covered in some kind of clear gloss. A little snaggletooth can be seen peeking out from the side. COMPLEXION : Not exactly pale, but not exactly a normal white skin tone either. He’s somewhere in between. BLEMISHES : Not really considered a blemish, but he has freckles that he hides with makeup on his face, and is also peppered with them on his shoulders and upper back. SCARS : Generally all around his body. Joker has a missing right arm, obviously. Though other than that, he has a bullet hole scar in his upper left shoulder on his back from where he was shot once on a kidnapping mission. There’s also some cuts on his forearm from mishaps with his swordcane or a knife. On his back as well are general scars from where he’s been beaten, both by Kelvin and by people on the East End. And finally, there’s a small burn mark on his butt from where Jumbo’s fire got.... a little too close to him during a show. TATTOOS : N/A HEIGHT : 6′1″ WEIGHT :  Not entirely sure. BUILD : Average body size, but curvy. He’s stronger than he looks, even with a missing arm. Most of his muscles are in his legs. FEATURES : A skeleton-shaped prosthetic right arm. ALLERGIES : N/A USUAL HAIR STYLE : Pulled back by pins until it looks something like a lion’s mane. A small but hangs over his left eye, directly over his teardrop facepaint feature. The longer, bleached pieces of hair are in small braids and cascade down his back. In the Alive!AU, it’s all short and down ( a little bit past his ears, like in canon ) and the longer pieces have been cut off, though occasionally he clips back his bangs when he’s working. USUAL FACE LOOK : Smirk, casual smile, or a full blown ( often fake ) performer's smile. USUAL CLOTHING : His circus outfit, which consists of a white dress shirt, a ruffled elastic belt that hangs loose a little at the end, a grey and black diamond vest, big yellow bow, black poofy pants with grey diamonds on the side hem, black and white curly toed boots, and a purple coat that adorns his shoulders that has gold trim and diamonds on the ends of the sleeves and bottom. For a full reference, see here and here. When not in his circus outfit, he wears a normal Victorian style suit, as his other job is a butler. The only circus-y thing about this suit is a black and grey diamond bow at his neck- it’s not as big as the one on his circus outfit though.

❤ PSYCHOLOGY. FEAR / S : Loosing those he loves, being abandoned, death, life after death, heights, people finding out what he really is, his family receiving a terrible fate of some kind. ASPIRATION / S : Getting his family ‘ over the hills and far away. ‘ Nothing else matters. POSITIVE TRAITS : Caring, cheerful, joking, helpful, consoling, sympathetic, encouraging, positive in general, complimentary, passionate. NEGATIVE TRAITS : Liar, stoic, full of self-hatred, rarely lets people in, negative in mentality, strict, oblivious, basically a living, breathing, walking facade of a human being. ZODIAC : Aries

TEMPERAMENT : Melancholic: The melancholic temperament is fundamentally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate, getting rather worried when they could not be on time for events. Melancholics can be highly creative in activities such as poetry and art - and can become preoccupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. Often they are perfectionists. They are self-reliant and independent; one negative part of being a melancholic is that they can get so involved in what they are doing they forget to think of others. SOUL TYPE / S : Caregiver: If you recognize yourself as a Caregiver, you may already have noticed the tendency to put others’ needs ahead of your own. This trait makes it essential that you go out of your way to take care of yourself as well as those around you. Remember that you’re no use to others if you’re not healthy or fit enough to help them. You are loyal to the extreme, and you guard those who are entrusted to your care with your life. Fighting another person’s battles can be important if that individual is unable to stand up for themselves, though you should be cautious not to disempower those in your care by not allowing them to do things for themselves. Your empathy allows you to understand nonverbal emotional signals. This ability will tell you when someone needs your help, and how best to assist them. It is common for Caregiver types to intuitively know what someone needs at any given time. VICE HABIT / S : Drinking ‘til drunk, spiraling into numb depression, holding in emotions. VIRTUES / VICES: Charity, diligence, kindness, patience. / Pride, sorrow, wrath. FAITH : Believes in God, Jesus, Angels, the Devil, ect. No set religion though, just general beliefs.   GHOSTS ? : Definitely. He believes in all manner of the supernatural. AFTERLIFE ? : Yes- and he’s scared of it. REINCARNATION ? : Yes. He feels like a spirit can choose to be reincarnated, if they so wish to be. ALIENS ? :  Maybe? In a modern verse, he probably would. EDUCATION LEVEL : Just basics- how to read and write. He wasn’t taught much else at Kelvin’s manor. Performance style education is high, obviously. He knows his way around the arts.

❤ FAMILY. FATHER : Unknown birth father / Baron Kelvin MOTHER : Karen Taylor SIBLINGS : The first tier of the Noah’s Ark Circus, and the circus in general really. Also, the children at Renbourn Workhouse. EXTENDED FAMILY : N/A. NAME MEANING / S :  The name Edmund is derived from the Old English elements ēad, meaning "prosperity" or "riches", and mund, meaning "protector". HISTORICAL CONNECTION ? : N/A. ( Thanks Yana T. :/ No I’m kidding. Really. I swear. )

❤ FAVORITES. HOLIDAY : Christmas! He loves the joy and cheer, and also giving out gifts. MONTH : November. SEASON : Autumn. PLACE :  London, since that is and always will be his home. Though, he also like Paris! WEATHER : Snow, or a brisk fall day. SOUND :  The bustle as the audience dims down to silence, in anticipation for a show. SCENT / S : Anything that reminds him of a stage. TASTE / S : Caramel! Also cheese. FEEL / S : Being warm when it’s cold outside, the slight heat from stage lights, getting tingly from excitement, joy, fluffy things. ANIMAL / S :  Any and all! COLORS :  Purple, orange, and yellow!

❤ EXTRA. TALENTS :  Juggling, cracking jokes, leading, preforming, singing, playing a few instruments- he can do a lot.  BAD AT : Opening up to people, high wire/tightrope ( he did it once- never again ), thinking things through. TURN ONS : N/A. Asexual, and doesn’t really care for it, regardless. TURN OFFS :  See above. HOBBIES : Attending all kinds of shows ( operas, orchestras, musicals, other circuses, ect. ), reading, practicing his skills, writing small poems or short stories. TROPES : Above Good and Evil: He didn’t care what he had to do, as long as he thought it would save the other children.

All For Nothing: He believed he was protecting his “brothers and sisters” back at the Renbon Workhouse by obeying Kelvin. After he and all the first-tier members of the circus die because of it, Ciel and Sebastian find the Renbon Workhouse abandoned. They assume Kelvin allowed Doctor to kill the children for his experiments with artificial limbs. Joker and the rest died for nothing.

Knight Templar Big Brother: He will do anything for his foster siblings, even kidnap children because his demented “father” makes him believe he’s protecting his brothers and sisters back at the Renbon Workhouse by doing so (although there are actually no children there anymore).

My Master, Right or Wrong: No matter how much he hates to kidnap innocent children and force them to perform in dangerous shows in which they die gruesomely; if that is what his “father” wants he will do it, since he’s still the man who saved him and his “siblings”, and the one supposedly protecting the other children at the Renbon Workhouse.

Not So Different: To Ciel. When he begs Ciel to not kill Kelvin he states that the man is the one who saved them and is helping all their friends at the orphanage. Even if Joker and the others had to do commit horrible actions to further their cause, he still feels it’s right if it gives all the abandoned children a better future. Ciel’s response shows that he understands their need to better themselves, even if it’s at the expense of other people, and replies: “To save your own skins, you obeyed him and sacrificed others… You fought to protect your world. What’s wrong with that? In the end, "justice” is just an official line taken by those in power to serve their own ends. No one’s looking out for others. If you’re careless, you’ll be robbed. There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who steal, and those who are stolen from. And today, I steal your futures. That’s all this is.“ AESTHETIC TAGS : circuses, stages, blood over flowers,  fairy lights, autumn leaves, warm colours.

❤ FC INFO. MAIN FC: Himself ALT FC / S : N/A OLDER FC / S : N/A YOUNGER FC / S : Also himself VOICE CLAIM: Mathew Mercer ( see the BOC dub, here. ) Singing voice claim, Miura Ryosuke ( see the Noah’s Ark Circus musical, here. ) GENDERBENT  FC / S : N/A

[nathan-douglas-blog]

Nathan Douglas

BASICS

FULL  NAME:  Nathanael Zachary Douglas NICKNAME: Nate AGE: 23 (24 biologically) BIRTHDAY: January 17th

LANGUAGE / S: English SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Aromantic RELATIONSHIP STATUS: N/a CURRENT  HOME: Mostly no where specific. PROFESSION: 

PHYSICAL

SKIN: Ashy grey EYES: Light to dark brown generally, soft but also appearing empty of any interest in the world around him, in some lightening, and mood. Other times his eyes appear to be an empty cold black color. COMPLEXION: Bruised SCARS: A lot of small scars from fighting other patients cover his body. Some of the more easily noticeable and significant ones are the stab wounds near one side of his front side. The bite mark on his right shoulder. The scars on his back are a mixture of wounds he inflicted on himself, as well as by other patients. One long scar down the bottom length of his right arm. Both arms have smaller little cuts on them as well as same repeating scars along his legs, sides, and upper arms.  Has a distinctive thick scar on the back of his neck that goes up passed his hairline, that he received from surgery after a orderly threw him hard onto the floor when he was ten, and almost severed his spine. As well he has slight circular scars on either side of his head, over his temples, burns from excessive electric shock. TATTOOS: none HEIGHT: 5′9″ WEIGHT: 108lbs BUILD: Slender and feminine looking. FEATURES: Moles ALLERGIES: Pollen, Spiders, Alcohol (More of an intolerance, result of being dead. Did not have this while he was still alive.) USUAL  HAIR  STYLE: Dark brown sometimes black color. Has been lazy and let his hair grow out to about his shoulders. Usually a tangled mess. Recently he did dye his hair a neon pink color. USUAL  FACE  LOOK: Clueless or expressionless  USUAL  CLOTHING: Usually simple outfits with a black hoodie.

PSYCHOLOGY

FEAR / S: 

Agateophobia- Fear of insanity.

Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects. 

Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotten or ignored or forgetting.

Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.

Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.

*Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia- Fear of being locked in an enclosed place.

Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.

*Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors. 

Isolophobia- Fear of solitude, being alone.

Kenophobia- Fear of voids or empty spaces.

*Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals.

Mastigophobia- Fear of punishment.

Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.

Pharmacophobia- Fear of taking medicine.

Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows.

*Trypanophobia- Fear of injections.

Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.

Disorders/Complexes (unspecific, generalized):

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Panic Disorder 

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder 

Separation Anxiety Disorder * (As a child)

Depression 

Delirium 

Paranoid Personality Disorder 

Reactive attachment disorder * (As a child)

Dependent Personality Disorder 

Borderline Personality Disorder 

Complex of Inferiority 

Cassandra Complex *Extremely Questionable

Persecution Complex * Extremely Questionable 

Complex of Indecisiveness *Extremely Questionable

Complex of Loneliness 

Complex of Guilt 

Jonah Complex

Abandonment Complex

ASPIRATION / S:  Killing his entire family and anyone at the ward who mistreated him. POSITIVE  TRAITS:  Alert, Allocentric, Appreciative, Challenging,  Clever, Conciliatory, Constant, Contemplative, Curious, Decisive, Dedicated, Directed, Dramatic, Efficient, Fair, Focused, Forecful, Helpful, Incisive, Individualistic, Insouciant, Intuitive, Knowledge, Leisurely, Many-sided, Observant, Planful, Protective, Scrupulous,  Sensitive, Solemn,  Absentminded, Effeminate, Impressionable, Reserved. NEGATIVE  TRAITS:  Aggressive, Deceptive, Preoccupied, Sarcastic, Unambitious, Self-conscious, Unceremonious, Unfathomable, Agonizing,  Anxious, Amoral, Aimless, Apathetic, Arbitrary, Argumentative, Artificial, Asocial,  Assertive, Astigmatic, Bewildered, Bizarre, Calculating, Careless, Confused, Deceitful, Dependent, Destructive, Difficult, Desperate, Disturbing, False, Fanatical, Fearful, Forgetful, Frightening, Hateful, Hostile, Impulsive, Insensitive, Insulting, Lazy, Irritable, Misguided, Neurotic, Obsessive, Oppressed, Paranoid, Resentful, Unhealthy, Unstable, Vulnerable, Liar.

MBTI : INTP-t (Turbulent Type)/ The Logician, The Thinker

Enneagram: Type 8, 8w7

ZODIAC: Capricorn

TEMPERAMENT: Choleric/Melancholic SOUL  TYPE / S:  Thinker, Hunter/Creator VICE  HABIT / S :  Playing with hair, chewing on the sleeves of his clothes, Toying with his ear. Chewing at the tips of his fingers. Fidgeting nervously. Toying with objects. ALIENS?:  Believes EDUCATION  LEVEL:  2nd grade.

FAMILY

FATHER: Robert Douglas MOTHER: Angelica Douglas SIBLINGS: Grace Douglas, Austin Douglas, Bethany Douglas NAME MEANING/S: 

Nathanael( -Niel -Nial)

From the Hebrew name נְתַנְאֵל (Netan'el) meaning "God has given". It is borne by several minor characters in the Old Testament, typically spelled Nethanel or Nethaneel. In the New Testament this is the name of an apostle, probably another name of the apostle called Bartholomew.

 Zachary (-ah -riah)

Remembered by God. From the Hebrew name זְכַרְיָה (Zekharyah) meaning "YAHWEH remembers". This is the name of many characters in the Old Testament, including the prophet Zechariah, the author of the Book of Zechariah. The name also appears in the New Testament belonging to the father of John the Baptist, who was temporarily made dumb because of his disbelief. He is regarded as a saint by Christians. In some versions of the New Testament his name is spelled in the Greek form Zacharias or the English form Zachary. As an English given name, Zechariah has been in occasional use since the Protestant Reformation.

Douglas

 In Scottish the meaning of the name Douglas is: From the Gaelic 'dubhglas' meaning dark water, dark stream, or from the dark river. The Scottish Douglas clan had two historical branches: (Black Douglases and Red Douglases.)

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: N/a

FAVORITES

BOOK: A Series of Unfortunate Events MOVIE:  The Little Mermaid SONGS:

Part of Your World

Go The Distance

Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride

On My Way

Can’t Take Me

Reflection

I’m Still here

We are One

Once Upon a December

Two Worlds

HOLIDAY: Christmas MONTH:  August SEASON: Winter PLACE: The Woods WEATHER: Thunder storms SOUND: Piano, Humming SCENT/S: Oranges, baked goods, burning fire, gas. TASTE/S:  Sour, peaches, cherries, tea, carrots, celery, peanut butter. FEEL/S: Soft materials. ANIMAL/S:  Cats, Dogs, Sloths, Squirrels, Birds, Platypus NUMBER :  9 COLORS:  Velvet red, Lilac purple, Dodger Blue, Forest Green, Sunflower Yellow.

EXTRA

TALENTS: Playing the piano, cooking, singing, easily reading text backwards, flexible.  BAD AT:  Getting along with others, handwriting, losing, keeping a schedule, spacial awareness ( can and will just bump into things he could easily avoid), TURN ONS: Being hurt, hurting others, red hair, being able to toy with someone without them getting too offended. Talking about his interests. Being playful. Roleplaying. TURN  OFFS:  Small talk, blood, vomit, talking about his past, threatening him. HOBBIES: Reading, art, Yoga, Napping, Going to the park and watching the animals. TROPES: 

Creepy Child

The Mentally Disturbed

Death Glare

Back From The Dead

Good Is Not Soft

Big Brother Instinct

Made of Iron

Parental Neglect

Pay Evil Unto Evil

Knife Nut

Smoking Is Cool

Badass Bookworm

Long Lost Sibling

Nutcase

Brainwashed And Crazy

Sticky Fingers

Grumpy Bear

Used To Be A Sweet Kid

Lonely

Big Bad Wannabe

QUOTES: 

"I am holding onto a lot of anger, built up over years, when I finally let go, it won't be drops, it won't be a spill, it will be a tidal wave. "

"I took all the Fear and Sorrow  and turned it into Rage and Vengeance."

"Forget the milk, I grew up drinking hatred."

"There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly."

"My Mother always told me 'you have to pick your battles'. Well, I am full of rage and I am picking all of them."

"I remained too much inside my head and ended up losing my mind."

" If you havin' orgasm problems, I feel bad for you son. I have 99 problem, but a heterosexual relationship ain't one."

" Okay, but I have emotions the same way I have an antique harmonica. They are things that I possess, but they are not things that I know how to use."

"Solitary confinement is a living death. Death because it is the removal of nearly everything that characterizes humanness, living because within it you are still you. The lights don't turn out as in real death. Time isn't erased as in sleep..."

"Out of everything I’ve experienced, pain of abandonment hurts the worst. Knowing that a person I loved, protected, needed and embraced never saw anything of value in me breaks me like nothing else does."

"Because when someone shoots you with an arrow” he gasped, “your immediate response isn’t ‘thanks for the arrow I think I’ll keep it for a while.’"

"In my world, fiction and reality are blurred together into one twisted medley of hell."

"But what if good and evil aren’t polar opposites, but actually two sides of the same window?-One looking outside from the warmth of their home, and one looking inside, freezing, desperately trying to survive."