#in my extremely specific personal interpretation this song takes place in a shared dream between people who don’t talk anymore

[starbuck]

no no no no, but they are literally standing six inches from one another. at the end of the world. refusing to be anywhere else. but they can’t touch each other. because the history between them is too painful for one to trust the other again and let them in. do you understand? do you UNDERSTAND?????????

[n1kolaiz]

THE GREAT FITZGERALD

thank u @dazaistabletop for getting me so interested in Fitzgerald's character. ur my favourite Fitz kinnie ok mwah( ˘ ³˘)♥

Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald's novel— The Great Gatsby— was a love story that involved Jay Gatsby, whose mannerisms and characteristics appear to be quite similar to Fitzgerald in the Bungou Stray Dogs adaptation. I just finished reading The Great Gatsby so I thought I'd just make a comparison between the main protagonist of the novel and the main antagonist in BSD's Guild Arc.

Other than the fact that both Jay and Fitzgerald share similar character traits (ambitious, arrogant, and optimistic) the relationships Jay had with the other characters of the novel and the interactions that Fitzgerald had with the other characters of BSD are quite similar, too. I'll focus on three specific associations that both Fitzgerald and Jay experienced in a parallel manner:

Zelda Fitzgerald and Daisy Buchanan

Tom Buchanan

Louisa May Alcott and Nick Carraway

SPOILERS FOR THE GREAT GATSBY!

in case anyone hasn't read it but wants to :)

To avoid confusion, every time I mention Fitzgerald from here on out, I mean the character from BSD; I will specify my references if it comes to the author.

The Great Gatsby had its plot set around the time of the Roaring Twenties: the aftermath of World War I, the peak of socialite culture, and the growth of a prosperous economy and general wealth altogether.

The Roaring Twenties was also a time of luxurious pleasure and liquor, where people indulged themselves and got addicted to hedonism— the pursuit of gratification.

The Great Gatsby was actually written on the basis to prove how corrupt this age was, and the existence of such corruption was vaguely hinted by various factors, one of which included Jay Gatsby's actual source of income: being involved in the affairs of the black market. This proves that illegal activities were not uncommon around that time, as people did anything they could to achieve materialistic gains.

This isn't a history lesson, I promise.

Both Jay Gatsby and Fitzgerald had grown up in poverty and disliked the concept of being anything short of wealthy. They both worked extremely hard to attain financial abundance.

I presume that not everything they did was actually legal when it came to gaining money. As mentioned before, Jay was involved in criminal activities which founded the basis of his wealth, while Fitz once mentioned that in order to own a gun, he had to kill 4 people. He goes on to tell us that he ended up owning that specific gun's manufacturer eventually.

Daisy Buchanan and Zelda Fitzgerald.

The Great Gatsby is actually centered around Jay Gatsby's rather obsessive infatuation with Daisy.

Daisy was a beautiful lady with a incredibly charming nature— she didn't have much trouble with attracting many men back then before she got married to Tom Buchanan, the antagonist of the story and the rival of Jay Gatsby.

"Her voice was full of money," he said suddenly.

That was it. I'd never understood before. It was full of money— that was the inexhaustible chair that rose and fell in it, the jingle of it. the cymbals' song of it... High in a white palace the King's daughter, the golden girl...

Daisy and Jay Gatsby fell in love right before he was sent off to war and a few years before she met Tom. Before they were separated, Jay's dream of gaining wealth and status was primarily flamed by his intention of reaching Daisy's social ranking in order to be worthy of her love.

Initially, because of how passionate he was about his love for her, Jay lied to Daisy about his wealth. It was only after the War did he actually gain the riches he aimed for. By the time he did achieve his monetary goals, Daisy had married Tom already. Consequently, Jay hosted a bunch of lavish parties in order to gain her attention, prove himself and his love for her, and ultimately, win her back.

Jay perceived Daisy as a literal angel, void of any flaw whatsoever. He even tells Nick, the main character, that the fact that numerous men got romantically involved with such a lady just increased her value altogether.

But what gave it an air of breathless intensity was that Daisy lived there— it was as casual a thing to her as his tent out at camp was to him. There was a ripe mystery about it, a hint of bedrooms, of gay and radiant activities taking place through its corridors, and of romances that were not musty and laid away already in lavender but fresh and breathing and redolent of this year's shining motor cars and of dances whose flowers were scarcely withered. It excited him too that many men had already loved Daisy— it increased her value in his eyes. He felt their presence all about the house, pervading the air with the shades and echoes of still vibrant emotions.

As the story unfolded, Daisy's character was torn apart for a proper, more brutally realistic perspective of her true character, revealing a shallow, selfish lady who solely placed her interest in money and luxury, the things which she often took refuge in when things went wrong. As the plot developed itself, the actuality that Jay fell in love with the idea of Daisy, instead of Daisy herself, was much more evident. And it took quite some time for him to discover and acknowledge the truth.

Fitzgerald's love for Zelda was very apparent, too, except that it seemed more genuine and pragmatic. Not much is speculated about Fitz and Zelda's relationship in the Guild Arc, but his love for her was very deep, as everything he did was for her and their deceased daughter.

Side note: Fitzgerald (the author) based Daisy's character partially on Zelda, as both women were brought up in wealthy families and took a general liking to lifestyles revolving around money and ease.

Fitzgerald was in love with Zelda, a woman plagued by a debilitating illness. In The Great Gatsby, Jay was in love with a woman who was plagued by the deceptive addiction of self-satisfaction gained by pleasure and whatnot. Zelda was impaired by an mental illness, while Daisy was intoxicated by the security of money and prestige. This is an abstract suggestion though. Personally, that's how I interpreted this correlation when it came to examining these dynamics in their respective universes.

Tom Buchanan

As mentioned before, Thomas Buchanan was Daisy's husband and Jay's rival who had similar characteristics in matters of personality. The Toms in both book and anime were arrogant and cunning, which pretty much vouches for their selfishness.

In the book, Tom is supposedly the love of Daisy's life, except that she just married him for his money instead of waiting for Gatsby. Then again, Tom was involved in a love affair outside his marriage with a lady named Myrtle Wilson. Tom cheated on Daisy by getting involved with Myrtle. On the other hand, Daisy was unfaithful to Tom by keeping her love and relationship with Jay a secret from him.

The climax of the story partly revolves around Myrtle dying in a hit-and-run car accident. The grand twist was that Daisy was the one driving the car, and the car actually belonged to Gatsby. Because the car belonged to Gatsby, George Wilson, the husband of Myrtle, was bent on revenge and tracked down the car. He ended up killing Jay Gatsby, and soon after that, he killed himself.

It was quite a scandal, but Daisy estranged herself from such a tedious matter. In fact, when Jay died, she did not even attend his funeral. Tom was under the impression that Gatsby was the one who killed his mistress, not Daisy, his wife. Either ways, Nick described them in a way that sums up what became of them after Jay's death:

They were careless people, Tom and Daisy— they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made...

It's interesting to note that in chapter 45 of the BSD manga, Tom appears as the antagonist who was later found guilty of murdering his employee, but the blame was originally put on T.J Eckleburg, the inventor of the Eyes of God.

Side note: T.J. Eckleburg was actually an optician who appeared on a billboard advertisement in the novel. This billboard was used as a personification by Nick Carraway, which was meant to embody the representation of a displeased overseer who observed the events that unfolded before him. The Eyes of God has a similar concept: scrutinising everything with an accuracy of 97%. It's a personal speculation, but the Eyes of God was proven to be of utmost importance in the Cannibalism Arc when it came to capturing Fyodor Dostoevsky. Likewise, T.J. Eckleburg's eyes showed how corruption and misconduct never escaped his judgmental visage.

sorry about the quality of the manga panels ;-;

In the manga, Fitzgerald manages to triumph over Tom by betraying his trust altogether in order to obtain the ownership of the Eyes of God and Tom's company. This stands in contrast to what became of Jay in the novel, but the protagonist got what he wanted in this universe.

Keep in mind that Fitzgerald didn't act according to fulfil what justice required; it was purely business. Just like Jay Gatsby put on the facade of a plain, rich man who was really just bootlegging his way to opulence, Fitzgerald wasn't afraid to betray someone's trust to get what he wanted.

Nick Carraway and Louisa May Alcott

If I were to pick a character that represented Louisa May Alcott in BSD from the book, I'd pick the narrator himself: Nick Carraway. Again, this is my personal interpretation, so the association between these two characters is just my personal opinion.

Nick Carraway was known as the more reserved, cynical protagonist compared to Jay. The both of them developed a cordial friendship as the story progressed.

Nick initially took a liking to Gatsby, who was his neighbour. The enigmatic aura Gatsby emitted called for Nick's attention, and in the same way, Gatsby reciprocated his interest in Nick by making the effort to acquaint himself with him.

He had one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced, or seemed to face, the whole external world for an instant and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself.

There were a few times which suggests that Nick didn't like the way Gatsby acted or spoke. Nevertheless, Nick was the only one who stuck with Gatsby until the end.

"They're a rotten crowd," I shouted across the lawn. "You're worth the whole damn bunch put together.

(This was the last thing Nick said to Jay before he died.)

At first, Nick was intrigued by Jay's mystical nature and peculiar idiosyncrasies, but found that Gatsby was a very strange, but 'morally bad' man. However, over time, Nick became one of the few who managed to recognise Gatsby's idealistic ambitions; he saw through all the fame and wealth and found a mere human being capable of being entrapped by love's snares. Basically, he understood Gatsby, despite disagreeing with his actions and even his behaviour at times.

As for Louisa, well, it is a known fact that she was loyal to Fitzgerald because of how much she respected and trusted him.

Both Nick and Louisa were intelligent, witty people with generally nice, honest, and reserved dispositions. Their self-contained demeanours make it very easy to get along with the more exurbent/dominant personas of Gatsby and Fitzgerald. So in the event where each pair was isolated from the rest of the world, they had each other to depend on.

Next morning I sent the butler to New York with a letter to Wolfsheim, which asked for information and urged him to come out on the next train. That request seemed superfluous when I wrote it. I was sure he’d start when he saw the newspapers, just as I was sure a there’d be a wire from Daisy before noon – but neither a wire nor Mr. Wolfsheim arrived; no one arrived except more police and photographers and newspaper men. When the butler brought back Wolfsheim’s answer I began to have a feeling of defiance, of scornful solidarity between Gatsby and me against them all.

Such a dynamic created a close bond of trust. Just as Nick was not hesitant to stick by Gatsby's side, Louisa went to great extents just to return Fitzgerald back to his former leading position and work together with him.

Side note: Nick Carraway is suggested to have the INTP personality type, while Louisa is most likely an INFP. Both these personalities are strikingly similar in many ways. They are individualistic in thinking and described as 'seekers' of their place in the world. If you're interested in a more detailed comparison, check this post out

Alright, that's about it for my speculations; I hope they weren't too messy. Thank you so much for reading!

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

- Nick Carraway, The Great Gatsby

[akhaziz]

Salaam alaykum

I’m a Sunni sister, and I’ve recently come across Sufism and Islamic mysticism. I’m very much interested in learning about Sufism but there are debates on this whole ‘Sunni-Sufi’ thing, I’m confused and I’m trying to ask everyone of their opinion and know if what I’m doing is right or wrong. Could you please share your thoughts on this?

Waʿalaykumu s-salām wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh sister. Thank you for asking your question in such a nice way. Your question reminded me of something a very wise person once said, followed by a very logical and precise answer written by a scholar and seeker of knowledge. So you know, I am neither wise nor a scholar or a man of knowledge. I look to others for guidance just as you do.

Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya said:

Why is the word darkness always mentioned in the plural [in the Quran], while light is always singular?

This is one of the wonders of the Qur’ān, and the reason is that there is only one path of truth, while numerous paths of falsehood.

May Allāh ﷻ guide us all to the right path. Ameen.

—

Sufism

Praise be to Allaah.

The word “Sufism” was not known at the time of the Messenger or the Sahaabah or the Taabi’een. It arose at the time when a group of ascetics who wore wool (“soof”) emerged, and this name was given to them. It was also said that the name was taken from the word “soofiya” (“sophia”) which means “wisdom” in Greek. The word is not derived from al-safa’ (“purity”) as some of them claim, because the adjective derived from safa’ is safaa’i, not soofi (sufi). The emergence of this new name and the group to whom it is applied exacerbated the divisions among Muslims. The early Sufis differed from the later Sufis who spread bid’ah (innovation) to a greater extent and made shirk in both minor and major forms commonplace among the people, as well as the innovations against which the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned us when he said, “Beware of newly-invented things, for every newly-invented thing is an innovation and every innovation is a going-astray.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is saheeh hasan).

The following is a comparison between the beliefs and rituals of Sufism and Islam which is based on the Qur’aan and Sunnah.

Sufism has numerous branches or tareeqahs, such as the Teejaniyyah, Qaadiriyyah, Naqshbandiyyah, Shaadhiliyyah, Rifaa’iyyah, etc., the followers of which all claim that their particular tareeqah is on the path of truth whilst the others are following falsehood. Islam forbids such sectarianism. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“… and be not of al-mushrikoon (the disbelievers in the Oneness of Allaah, polytheists, idolaters, etc),

Of those who split up their religion (i.e., who left the true Islamic monotheism), and became sects, [i.e., they invented new things in the religion (bid’ah) and followed their vain desires], each sect rejoicing in that which is with it.” [al-Room 30:31-32]

The Sufis worship others than Allaah, such as Prophets and “awliya’” [“saints”], living or dead. They say, “Yaa Jeelaani”, “Yaa Rifaa’i” [calling on their awliya’], or “O Messenger of Allaah, help and save” or “O Messenger of Allaah, our dependence is on you”, etc.

But Allaah forbids us to call on anyone except Him in matters that are beyond the person’s capabilities. If a person does this, Allaah will count him as a mushrik, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And invoke not, besides Allaah, any that will neither profit you, nor hurt you, but if (in case) you did so, you shall certainly be one of the zaalimoon (polytheists and wrongdoers).” [Yoonus 10:106]

The Sufis believe that there are abdaal, aqtaab and awliya’ (kinds of “saints”) to whom Allaah has given the power to run the affairs of the universe. Allaah tells us about the mushrikeen (interpretation of the meaning):

“Say [O Muhammad]: ‘…And who disposes the affairs?’ They will say. ‘Allaah.’…” [Yoonus 10:31]

The mushrik Arabs knew more about Allaah than these Sufis!

The Sufis turn to other than Allaah when calamity strikes, but Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And if Allaah touches you with harm, none can remove it but He, and if He touches you with good, then He is Able to do all things.” [al-An’aam 6:17]

Some Sufis believe in wahdat al-wujood (unity of existence). They do not have the idea of a Creator and His creation, instead they say that everything is creation and everything is god.

The Sufis advocate extreme asceticism in this life and do not believe in taking the necessary means or in jihaad, but Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But seek with that (wealth) which Allaah has bestowed on you, the home of the Hereafter, and forget not your portion of legal enjoyment in this world…” [al-Qasas 28:77]

“And make ready against them all that you can of power…” [al-Anfaal 8:60]

The Sufis refer the idea of ihsaan to their shaykhs and tell their followers to have a picture of their shaykh in mind when they remember Allaah and even when they are praying. Some of them even put a picture of their shaykh in front of them when they are praying. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Ihsaan is when you worship Allaah as if you can see Him, and although you cannot see Him, He can see you.” (Reported by Muslim).

The Sufis allow dancing, drums and musical instruments, and raising the voice when making dhikr, but Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The believers are only those who, when Allaah is mentioned, feel a fear in their hearts…” [al-Anfaal 8:2]

Moreover, you see some of them making dhikr by only pronouncing the Name of Allaah, saying, “Allaah, Allaah, Allaah.” This is bid’ah and has no meaning in Islam. They even go to the extreme of saying, “Ah, ah” or “Hu, Hu.” The Sunnah is for the Muslim to remember his Lord in words that have a true meaning for which he will be rewarded, such as saying Subhaan Allaah wa Alhamdulillah wa Laa ilaaha illa Allaah wa Allaahu akbar, and so on.

The Sufis recite love poems mentioning the names of women and boys in their dhikr gatherings, and they repeat words such as “love”, “passion”, “desire” and so on, as if they are in a gathering where people dance and drink wine and clap and shout. All of this has to do with the customs and acts of worship of the mushrikeen. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Their salaah (prayer) at the House (of Allaah, i.e., the Ka’bah at Makkah) was nothing but whistling and clapping of hands…”

[al-Anfaal 8:35]

Some Sufis pierce themselves with rods of iron, saying, “O my grandfather!” So the shayaateen come to them and help them, because they are seeking the help of someone other than Allaah . Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And whosoever turns away (blinds himself) from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allaah), We appoint for him a shaytaan (devil) to be a qareen (intimate companion) for him.”

[al-Zukhruf 43:36]

The Sufis claim to have gnosis and knowledge of the unseen, but the Qur’aan shows them to be liars. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Say: ‘None in the heavens and the earth knows the ghayb (unseen) except Allaah…’” [al-Naml 27:65]

The Sufis claim that Allaah created the world for the sake of Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), but the Qur’aan shows them to be liars. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And I (Allaah) created not the jinns and humans except they should worship Me (Alone).” [al-Dhaariyaat 51:56]

Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, addressed His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) with the words (interpretation of the meaning):

“And worship your Lord until there comes unto the certainty (i.e., death).” [al-Hijr 15:99]

The Sufis claim that they can see Allaah in this life, but the Qur’aan shows them to be liars. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“[Moosa said:] ‘O my Lord! Show me (Yourself), that I may look upon You.’ Allaah said, ‘You cannot see Me…’” [al-A’raaf 7:143]

The Sufis claim that they take knowledge directly from Allaah, without the mediation of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and in a conscious state (as opposed to dreams). So are they better than the Sahaabah??

The Sufis claim that they take knowledge directly from Allaah, without the mediation of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). They say, “Haddathani qalbi ‘an Rabbi (My heart told me from my Lord).”

The Sufis celebrate Mawlid and hold gatherings for sending blessings on the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), but they go against his teachings by raising their voices in dhikr and anaasheed (religious songs) and qaseedahs (poems) that contain blatant shirk. Did the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) celebrate his birthday? Did Abu Bakr, ‘Umar, ‘Uthman, ‘Ali, the four imaams or anyone else celebrate his birthday? Who knows more and is more correct in worship, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and the Salaf, or the Sufis?

The Sufis travel to visit graves and seek blessings from their occupants or to make tawaaf (ritual circumambulation) around them or to make sacrifices at these sites, all of which goes against the teachings of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Do not travel to visit any place but three mosques: al-Masjid al-Haraam [in Makkah], this mosque of mine [in Madeenah] and al-Masjid al-Aqsa [in Jerusalem].” (Agreed upon).

The Sufis are blindly loyal to their shaykhs, even when what they go against the words of Allaah and His Messenger. But Allaah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Do not put (yourselves) forward before Allaah and His Messenger…” [al-Hujuraat 49:1]

The Sufis use talismans, letters and numbers for making decisions and for making amulets and charms and so on.

The Sufis do not restrict themselves to the specific blessings on the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that were narrated from him. They invented new formulas that involve seeking his blessings and other kinds of blatant shirk which are unacceptable to the one on whom they are sending blessings.

With regard to the question of the whether the Sufi shaykhs have some kind of contact, this is true, but their contact is with the shayaateen, not with Allaah, so they inspire one another with adorned speech as a delusion (or by way of deception), as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And so We have appointed for every Prophet enemies – shayaateen (devils) among mankind and jinns, inspiring one another with adorned speech as a delusion (or by way of deception). If your Lord had so willed, they would not have done it…” [al-An’aam 6:112]

And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“… And, certainly, the shayaateen (devils) do inspire their friends (from mankind)…” [al-An’aam 6:121]

“Shall I inform you (O people!) upon whom the shayaateen (devils) descend?

They descend on every lying, sinful person.” [al-Shu’ara 221-222]

This is the contact that is real, not the contact that they falsely claim to have with Allaah. Exalted be Allaah far above that. (See Mu’jam al-Bida’, 346 –359).

When some of these Sufi shaykhs disappear suddenly from the sight of their followers, this is the result of their contact with the shayaateen, who may even carry them to a distant place and bring them back in the same day or night, to mislead their human followers.

So the important rule here is not to judge people by the extraordinary feats that they may do. We should judge them by how closely or otherwise they adhere to the Qur’aan and Sunnah. The true friends of Allaah (awliya’) are not necessarily known for performing astounding feats. On the contrary, they are the ones who worship Allaah in the manner that He has prescribed, and not by doing acts of bid’ah. The true awliya’ or friends of Allaah are those whom our Lord has described in the hadeeth qudsi narrated by al-Bukhaari in his Saheeh (5/2384) from Abu Hurayrah, who said:

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah said, ‘Whoever shows enmity towards a friend (wali) of Mine, I declare war against him. My slave does not draw close to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties that I have enjoined on him, and My slave continues to draw close to Me with supererogatory (naafil) acts, so that I will love him. When I love him, I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it.’”

And Allaah is the Source of Strength and the Guide to the Straight Path.

https://islamqa.info/en/4983

[erin-gilberts]

Bc It’s such a good post will you answer all the cafe asks?

Yessss totally! 

Vanilla Chai Latte : Are you in love?

Yes, wholeheartedly and unapologetically, I am. 

My girlfriend and I have only been together for two months, but it’s one of those things where when you know, you know. I’ve been in relationships lasting upwards of a year where I still didn’t know at the end of them whether or not I was in love. Early on in the year, I was actually even having conversations with my mom about how I wasn’t sure I’d ever been in love; I had no concept of what that felt like. I didn’t feel like I was feeling what I was supposed to be in relationships. I wondered if I was aromantic and if I wasn’t meant to experience romantic love.

With her, I’ve realized everything love IS supposed to feel like, and I’ve realized I AM capable of feeling those feelings - I just hadn’t met the right person yet. My heart was waiting for her. 

We daydream of the life we intend to build together, and it delights me to be able to wake up every day and choose her, again and again, as we run boldly and breathlessly into the future we now share. We totally u-hauled but we’re both so committed to blooming and becoming together; it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before despite having quite a bit of experience in relationships. 

Flat White : Coffee or Tea?

Coffee. It feels more substantial to me with more ways to customize it exactly how you like it. I also just have a lot of really positive memories being in coffee shops! I’m currently obsessing over Starbucks’s seasonal salted caramel mocha. 

Cappuccino : What’s your middle name?

Elizabeth! I was named after my mother and grandmother, so it’s the only part of my birth name I kept when I changed my name. 

Mocha : Dream Job?

A famous professional organizer on the same level as Marie Kondo and Dorothy Breininger! They’re my inspiration and the reason I went into this kind of work. Also, the executive director of my own LGBT-focused nonprofit (which I have been, and I intend to be again!). 

Pumpkin Spice : Dream car?

The super fancy bike I’ll use the day I ride in the AIDS LifeCycle? Haha, I don’t drive and I don’t intend to! 

Jasmine Tea : If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

Ugh, if I could visit any place in the world right this moment, I’d choose to go back to Toronto in a heartbeat. I went there in 2015 for the Inside Out LGBT Film Festival and I LOVED that city. It was so fun and the people were so welcoming. Other than that? Moscow, because it’s where @googoogojob lives, or New York City, because I just learned Hook & Ladder 8 (the Ghostbusters firehouse) is a real place and I want to see it! 

Old English : You’re stranded on an island, who do you bring with you?

Do I have a limit?? If I have a choice, I’m definitely bringing my mom, brother, maternal grandparents, best friend, best friend’s family, cat, and girlfriend! That’s like the minimum amount of people in my life I couldn’t go without. 

Iced Chocolate : Do you have a crush on someone?

My girlfriend, who I continually redevelop a big gay crush on every day! But I feel like that’s not quite the spirit of what this question is asking, so - I also have a big gay crush on Kristen Wiig, which my girlfriend endlessly makes fun of me for! Like, to the point I named my cat Erin Gilbert. 

Caramel Frappe : Favorite video game?

It’s a tie between Minecraft and Undertale. I swing wildly between playing Minecraft daily to not playing for months, but it never gets old. The sandbox nature of the game enables infinite creativity, and the low stakes make it both accessible to me (not a gamer) and relaxing. And Undertale with its story and unique mechanics remains to this day the game to inspire the biggest emotional response in me. I’ve thought about having, “Despite everything, it’s still you” tattooed. 

Iced Lemon Tea : Favorite song/band?

My favorite songs of all time are “The Greatest” by Sia and “I Know a Place” by MUNA, both of which were written in the aftermath of the Pulse shooting and can be interpreted as the process of rediscovering queer joy at the same time your community is constantly faced with tragedy and pain. They hit hard in a beautiful way as a hate crime survivor. 

Iced Cafe Mocha : Favorite thing to do on rainy days?

I like to go out as soon as the storm passes and just walk downtown in the rain. The air always smells and feels so good; it clarifies me and I feel renewed. Walking in the light rain or before / after the storm always feels like breathing, really breathing, for the first time. It reminds me I exist and it reminds me that’s neat. 

Hot Chocolate : Are you an affectionate person?

Yessssss oh my god. I live and breathe being affectionate and not even in a strictly romantic sense. I’m naturally an exuberant person and I delight in making people happy. My girlfriend would also say I engage in “cat behavior” with my demands to be held or touching constantly. XD 

Caramel Macchiato : You’re travelling the entire world but you can only take one person with you. Who do you take?

My girlfriend @sweetmckinnon. Not only would we have the unprecedented opportunity to be gay in every country and continent, but we’re both writers, and we’d write an excellent book about these adventures! 

Green Tea : How tall are you?

5’7. 

Early Grey Tea : The inevitable Zombie Apocalypse is upon us! What’s your plan of action?

I’m rounding up everyone I care about and taking us to the nearest commune of marginalized people. We’ll be avoiding those uber-macho survivalist types like the plague, because their arrogance will 100% get everyone killed. At least marginalized communities would be more likely to understand working together and looking out for the community, not just yourself. 

Mint Tea : How do you relax?

Indoor cycling is my drug of choice. It’s HARD to be mad or stressed when you’re exerting that intensely. I might also write self-indulgent fanfics or indulge in a little controlled chaos (I’m an acrylic pour and collage artist). And talking to my girlfriend, best friend, or mom always makes me feel better, too. 

Vanilla Latte : Board games or drinking games?

I genuinely love board games and wish I had more people to play them with. 

Iced Coffee : Do you like reading? If so, what’s your favorite book?

I like reading, but having ADHD has made it extremely hard to read entire books in recent years. My favorite book is probably The Radium Girls by Kate Moore. The author takes what’s already a horrific story and a dark chapter in American history and with her devastating writing style, humanizes each woman involved to the point it makes you ache to read knowing the inevitability of their fate. Anytime anyone asks me for a book recommendation, this is the book I suggest. 

Italian Soda : Describe your dream date

My dream date would be after we’ve been together for a while - maybe on a date that’s special to us, like our anniversary, or maybe just on a random night because we feel like it, we have one of those super romantic dates like you see in the movies. We dress up super cute, go out to dinner and come home to a bedroom full of candles and rose petals on the floor, and every moment is spent just enjoying each other and what we have together in every way we can. <3 

Sparkling Water : Describe what qualities you look for in a person

Passion - I’m an activist who became the executive director of their own nonprofit at the age of 16. I’m not going to mesh with someone who’s just going through the motions of life without any aspirations. 

Flexibility - It’s a turnoff for me when someone is EXTREMELY committed to a very specific view of how their life is going to be. It tells me right away I’m going to have to continually contort myself to fit into their unbending path, because I accept I can’t predict the direction of my life with any degree of precision and I’m not rigid about it as a result. 

Creative - I’m currently dating another writer and it’s the most fun I’ve ever had in a relationship. The quickest way to get us to pop off into a spirited debate is to get us started about story structure and characterization. We. Go. OFF. And could go off for days. Our shared creative passion gives us endless ground to connect and bond on. 

Those are just a few, but definitely a few important ones for me! 

Orange Juice : Have you ever had a valentine?

My first girlfriend, who I dated from 12-17, is the only valentine I’ve ever had. The timing of my relationships as an adult has never worked out for me to be partnered on Valentine’s Day. We weren’t super out about our relationship at the time and didn’t spend Valentine’s Day together, but I still have the love letters she sent me copied into my 7th grade diary, and I still have the antique gold heart necklace with enamel roses she gave me one year, too! Lots of lovely memories from that relationship. 

Rose Hip Tea : Describe your first kiss

My first girlfriend and I were 12-13, cutting class in the bathroom because she was often bullied for her sexuality. She was having an especially rough day that day and I knew exactly where to find her. She kissed me out of the blue while I was comforting her and in all of my baby gay naivety, I hadn’t fully realized I was gay or that she liked me that way prior to that. Turns out I was and she did. We dated for five years. 

Herbal Tea : You’re at a candle shop, what scented candle do you buy?

Oh, I’m going right to the bakery scent section. I’m not a huge fan of chocolate-scented candles, but vanilla? Christmas cookies? Gingerbread? Sign me the FUCK up. 

Sandalwood is also one of my favorite scents, but depending on what it’s blended with, it can be hit or miss for me in candles. 

[historianatlarge]

So I was tagged in a thing.

I usually don’t do these, but perhaps people would like to know a little about me, at least. Got tagged by the excellent @psifitopia, too, and they are a nice enough person I’d do it just because it’s them, really.

Taking a couple of these out for repetition/privacy, but I’ll compensate you all with a bit more elsewhere.

Name/Alias: Charles

Hobbies: Reading, by and large. I suppose writing still counts, since I find the work I do on here quite enjoyable. Still have some fun with games of various descriptions, in my spare time. I’ve also got some model kits (all of them historical, go figure) that are laying about incomplete that I really ought to get back to, at some point.

Favorite colors: Orange! The story behind how it became my favourite is a complex one, but nowadays it’s still going strong – and has been ever since I was a small child. Oddly enough, however, I don’t usually care for it as a colour on cars.

Last song listened to: I’ve been listening a lot to Anna Akiko Meyers, who is just an utterly superb violinist. Specifically, I love her interpretation of Arvo Pärt’s Fratres. The piece isn’t even my usual style with classical music, but something about it just works when I need to get work done.

Last film watched: Most recently, the film Hurricane about the 303rd Squadron in the Battle of Britain. I found it rather rushed overall, though I’m glad some attention was being paid to these brave Polish pilots. It had a good underlying message that tied past British events to current ones, but I’m hoping to see Dywizjon 303 to make a comparison.

Inspiration or muse: Well, my wife helps inspire me quite a bit. Perhaps above all in reminding me that what I do is interesting and relevant. I’m also inspired by the idea of sharing historical knowledge with people who may not have it – historical knowledge is critically important these days in the defence of democracy. In other words, it helps to know there’s a good reason to do what you’re doing. (And it’s just fascinating, but individual mileage may vary on that one!)

Meaning behind your url:  Well this one is relatively simple – I have a terrible time thinking up usernames. Whatever other creativity I have, it fails me utterly there. It was the first idea that came up that I didn’t think sounded ridiculous, so I went with that.

Currently reading:  Working my way through a couple books, far too slowly. Trying out Ursula K. LeGuin’s Steering the Craft, and starting Bitter Glory, about Poland’s history between 1918-1939. I’ve got a stack beside them to either read or finish re-reading, foremost amongst them a re-read of the superb Into the Dark Valley, which details the descent into extremism in the 1930s, and has very important lessons for today.

Dream job: I’ve already got it! I’m a teacher of History and English with an Ontario school board. I’ve been proud of every day I’ve spent on the job. I’ve had some truly remarkable young minds under my tutelage, and I could pick out the ones I think will be making this country better one day.

Top three ships:  This one is supposed to be about fandom, isn’t it, I can’t just list my three favourite actual ships of all time? Can I do both? I’m going to cheat and do both. Well, I love the liner Normandie, and consider her the most beautiful ocean liner ever constructed. After that, I’ve always been fascinated by the submarine Surcouf because the entire concept of a cruiser submarine seems so alien and out-of-place today, beyond which the very idea of a submarine capable of sinking a destroyer on the surface is just so wild to look back at. Lastly, I absolutely love the sailing ship Sørlandet, and feel so very lucky to have had the chance to board her. Possibly the most beautiful ship around today.

Now, for those who may or may not enjoy well-written pairings in fiction. The first I’ll mention is Nick and Nora Charles – it’s so rare, even today, to see a married couple written as actually enjoying time with each other. I find the ‘take my wife, please’ stuff rather tiresome – it’s far more enjoyable to see the positive aspects of a couple, their partnership and how they compliment and improve each other. For the sci-fi fans out there, I’ve always enjoyed the suitably operatic pairing of Aeryn Sun and John Chricton from FarScape. Frankly, I find the entire show just delightful, especially the space muppets. Lastly, a bit of an obscure one: Kyle Katarn and Jan Ors from the Star Wars: Dark Forces games and books. In part, I suppose, because they might be the first fictional couple whose development I enjoyed.

Lipstick or chapstick: Chapstick, though the only one I use these days is a orange-scented one my wife found me. I wish I could remember the names of the people who made it, but they also made Harry Potter-themed lip balms that are rather delightful. If you are someone making such lipbalm in Southwestern Ontario, let me know and I’ll tag you here.

[megatentious]

Megami Tensei where u at??

When you are down in the dumps about your favorite video game franchise and the future of a series that is special for you, sometimes you end up seeking it out in places that are … unexpected. I’m going to talk about how, over the last couple years, I ended up seeing three different flavors of Megami Tensei in three different games, and maybe by the end of this we can all end up feeling like it’s okay to move on with our lives. Just keep telling yourself that your favorite games are not your identity and it’s not that serious bruh but also tell yourself that it is therapeutic to collect many paragraphs of thoughts you have had about this to write at length about in your blog.

First up is a game that many many people have noticed is very Megaten and that is the Digimon RPG, Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth. There was no reason at all for this to be as good of a game as it is. I have no special affinity for the cartoon show. I do not like the Devil Survivor character designer even a little bit. I do not find grinding and monster collecting for the sake of monster collecting entertaining. But from the very first trailer something seemed compelling, and as good word of mouth spread I decided this was going to be a game I needed to play.

Again, everyone has already commented on how Megaten this game feels, and for me the closest specific analogue is actually Raidou Kuzunoha. From the first extended trailer I noticed the jazzy main theme, the detective agency conceit, the visible partner monsters appearing in a Tokyo with bold camera angle choices, and felt a weird familiarity. Digimon also function very plainly as Megami Tensei demons in multiple ways, not only mechanically but also through their story roles. And the somewhat arcane stat manipulation needed for high-end Digivolving scratches the exact same itch as high-end Megaten fusion from previous SMT iterations, which is both a dangerous (100 hours of playtime good lord) and wonderful (100 hours of playtime good lord!) itch to scratch.

You need to put up with some annoying characters and prattling dialogue, but unlike other games there is no pretense here which absolutely helps. Also, re-interpreting traditional Japanese folklore through the lens of the Digimon world is something that never stopped being fascinating for me even amidst a sub-par localization, and as someone with low familiarity with the cartoon, the Digimon designs themselves were alternately hilariously bizarre, bafflingly stupid, and straight up awesome. They even have their own Lucifer! 

By the time you get to the second half of the story where the game completely changes and becomes about alliances and faction-building and what happens to a city facing apocalypse, when you take in the incredible atmosphere in Odaiba all buoyed by a soundtrack that has no right to be as good as it is, you start to feel optimistic about how Megaten influence can live on even outside of the series itself.

Next up is an entry from another series that is occasionally compared to SMT, but this one in particular feels like it was only played by two or three people at all when it was miraculously released earlier in 2019 for the Nintendo 3DS. I’m talking about Yokai Watch 3. Arriving close to three years after its initial Japanese release to utterly resounding indifference, this game’s hook is that you get to play in “America,” but as you can tell from the quotes around America this is actually much more complicated than it seems in a way that specifically draws comparison to my beloved Revelations: Persona. You see, the very Japanese Yokai Watch series city location of Sakura New Town, Japon, was localized here for us as Springdale, Springdale back in the first game. This decision has led to many wonderful incongruities moving forward that are honestly identical to those in the Lunarvale of Revelations: Persona. Gotta love these small American towns with Shinto temples in em!

With Yokai Watch 3’s plot focusing on the family moving to actual America though, and the cross-cultural hijinks that are meant to ensue, things quickly get even weirder and more strained. Protagonist Nate Adams complains about the difficulty of understanding southern accents while slurping down sukiyaki. Shopkeepers with tempura-based hairstyles serve traditional Japanese dishes in the quaint American township of St. Peanutsburg. Huge timezone differences between America and “America” are introduced. And all of this is refracted through the even more convoluted localization prism of this game about two versions of America being scripted by the British, leading to children aspiring to be “basketballers” and restaurants having “oriental” atmosphere.

I’m barely scratching the surface of the dissertation-worthy unpacking needed for all of this, and it’s difficult to describe just how deeply weird the vibe can get in this game. In just the first twenty minutes of Yokai Watch 3, you have 1) a purely nutso anime opening featuring scary demonic folklore-based yokai, robots, and cat mascots 2) Mulder and Scully very seriously discussing mysterious “Y Files” 3) a rhythm game where your very American family devours an enormous amount of sukiyaki 4) the same very American (or in the game’s terms, “Springdalian”) family leaving their home to move to the state? country? of “BBQ” and 5) suddenly you are an otaku girl going to a figure shop in “Sparkopolis.” This is just as delirious as it sounds.

Revelations Persona’s uncanny America atmosphere may be one of a kind, but Yokai Watch 3’s frequently insane scenarios can sometimes recall a similar sort of lunacy that leads you to end up fighting a giant mechanical rat while a song with the track name “Child Abuse” plays, or chatting up a populace of mole-covered rainbow afro’d citizens in a locked down mall. At one point after returning from one of Yokai Watch 3’s various alternate dream worlds (very Persona!) my game was even afflicted with a commonly reported glitch that caused the environmental textures to not load, leading to a flat polygon world and some authentic PSX Lunarvale vibes. Throw in all the folktales and mythology involved in the yokai themselves and straight up demon fusion in a cathedral and suddenly you’ll end up experiencing more Megaten than you’d ever expect to see in an RPG targeted to young children.

Last up is an all-time classic that actually predates Shin Megami Tensei entirely, making it temporally impossible for any influence to show up, which muddles the entire concept of this essay but please roll with it you guys this is just how I feel. I’m talking about the seminal Phantasy Star, for the Master System, which I played through M2’s loving, impeccable SEGA AGES port on Switch. This game, which was released in 1987, is simply incredible. Right off the bat you’ve got genius-level programming from Yu Suzuki himself, which allowed for the first person dungeons to scroll so smoothly that posting a snippet of directly captured footage from the game can still lead to semi-viral tweets. It’s these extremely cool boldly colored first person dungeons, along with the expansive feeling of the several worlds you visit that led me to feel some of the spirit of Megami Tensei 2 specifically in this game.

“oops i accidentally phantasy starred for four hours” is how I put it playing through this game for the first time, and it’s a given that a non-fantasy setting RPG where you can talk to the monsters would be appealing to me. Phantasy Star as a series was in fact deliberately conceptualized as a rebellion against the many fantasy RPGs of the time, and the developers have talked about this in a way that is practically identical to early staff interviews about the goals for Megami Tensei. Director and gaming luminary Rieko Kodama has remarked that the choice of a female protagonist was also considered rebellious, even though it felt like a natural choice for her on a personal level.

Megami Tensei 2 is the game that builds the structure for Shin Megami Tensei as we know it today, moving away from Megami Tensei 1’s single full-game dungeon format to a world map with numerous discrete dungeons and eventually, paths to alternate worlds. Phantasy Star shares this exact design format, which still feels so expansive and impressive to this day. It’s a treat to get to experience a game like this over 30 years after its release on current hardware and still feel such an impact, and all of you need to go out and buy buy buy this game, seriously give M2 your money.

I’ve taken it as a given that everyone shares my perspective on where Shin Megami Tensei is at these days as a series, and it’s obviously never a good look to come across as an over-dramatic scolding bitter old who has retreated into pure irrelevance. But by documenting all of these observations down for myself, I can at least feel better about finding bits and pieces of various Megaten strains in the games of today. The lesson learned is that even if you feel your favorite franchise has lost its way, you may be able to find parts of it in the places you least expect.

[holdtylersandersonaccountable]

Elizabeth Moroni

Dating him was probably the most traumatic thing that’s happened to me in my life. We started dating after I had just turned 19. Tyler was 24. He was incredibly manipulative. He flattered me with the typical “you’re not like the others” routine, which, on a 18 year old girl, totally worked…but not at first. I was reluctant to engage with him because I already had a partner, and I saw how he treated his girlfriend with disregard while hitting on me. Tyler’s fixation on me made others uncomfortable to the point where the friend group collectively decided that I was “off limits”. But Tyler had different plans. Tyler didn’t go to my college, or any other college—he came to my college town weekly to go out drinking, and to prey on me. He repeatedly isolated me from my group, dragging me outside for cigarettes to get me alone. These moments were common and we began to kindle a friendship despite all of the red flags. He was friends with really kind people, so I reasoned that even though his behavior was troubling, if he was a bad person he wouldn’t be surrounded by good people. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing.  

Tyler took me out for smoke breaks over and over. He even told me that a song reminded him of me, “Silver Words” by Sixto Rodriguez. He said the song reminded him of me, and he even sang it to me. It was very romantic, but I still didn’t budge. When he wasn’t in town, he would call me constantly, leaving sloppy 2am voicemails confessing his love to me. The messages were frequent. I said no so many times. I was polite, but firm. There were so many drunk calls I let go to voicemail—I recall a specific conversation I had with his childhood friend about the situation. “What do I do about this? How can I get him to stop? I’m not interested.” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTJRXUftkPE

This group of friends I was with would all go out together to drink in Greeley. I was underage but access to alcohol wasn’t hard. Everyone put a drink in my hand. I remember being too drunk and lying on the floor in a room alone because I was nauseous. Tyler came in and laid down beside me--I felt his hand grab mine in the dark. He only tried to hold my hand when I was drunk. It was a small thing, at the time I thought it was cute, but it made me uncomfortable. He did it covertly in front of friends. Innocent enough, but I see now he was testing me, grooming me to accept more next time.

Tyler eventually became frustrated that his teenage fixation (me) wasn’t complying. He separated from his girlfriend at the time, (he didn’t, he was lying and gaslighting her as well, coming up to Greely to cheat). Tyler then changed his strategy. Quickly, he found a second teen, which he flooded with attention. He brought her to places he knew I would be, giving me the cold shoulder completely (he acted like he was angry at me). This was all in the span of a few days, so I was surprised that he went from being my friend to refusing to speak to me. I felt like because I wasn’t complying, I was being punished. Despite his unrelenting forwardness, we were friends, and the silent treatment was undeserving. My already low self esteem made me question what was wrong with me. A particular low point was when I overheard Tyler singing this young girl the same song he said reminded him of me—“Silver Words”. 

You’d think that I would have been relieved and appreciative for Tyler to move on from me. But as a child without the tools to recognize (or even have the vocabulary for) gaslighting, manipulation, grooming, and typical predatory behavior, instead of relief I felt devalued and thrown out. Looking back, my ignorance made me so unequipped for this situation, and I wish I knew at the time how to identify what was really going on.

Eventually (not long after) Tyler and I began talking again. It felt good to be acknowledged; there was a sort of emotional high I found myself feeling when he was nice to me. If a dog is abused by his owner, but thrown a bone every once in a while, the dog will stay loyal. That was me—riding the high of being treated well after not for so long. This was a theme throughout the relationship.

I started to interpret his red-flag behavior as romantic gestures. Not long after, we started seeing each other romantically. Tyler’s unwavering persistence was disturbing, but it always got him what he wanted. I should have seen the start of our relationship as a start of a pattern. This situation is emulative of what was in store for me for our entire relationship. Constantly being devalued, insulted, and torn down, only given brief moments of decency that bring floods of endorphins. I was addicted. 

CHARGE. Did you know he has this word tattooed across his chest? Does a charging bull comply when you say “stop”? “No”? 

The bull charges regardless.

The abuse didn’t take long to start. Tyler had an inner rage that his friends and family seldom saw, and that he made sure they never saw. Tyler would casually say hurtful things to me on a daily basis, and generally do things to make me feel like less than nothing. He would then groan about how “depressed and annoying” I was, and how I always kept him down. He was extinguishing my light. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, and as a result my relationships, my grades, my dreams, all started to crumble before me.

He started treated me like I was a burden, a thorn in his side he couldn’t get rid of, but when I tried to leave the relationship he would manipulate and guilt me into staying. Sometimes he would blame his attitude on his hangover. But it was more than that. It was consistent emotional abuse. 

I was 18 when he first pressured me into having sex without a condom. I was not comfortable with it, and it took a while for me to give in. Maybe three times we had protected sex. Later, he refused to wear them, assuring me that it was safe, praising me for complying. Shortly after my 19th birthday, I got pregnant. The pregnancy was ectopic and after an extremely painful process, the baby was miscarried. Tyler was verbally supportive over text, but in person was cold.

One of the FIRST things Tyler told me that he had a “sleep sex disorder” that made him have sex with whoever he was lying in bed with. “I don’t really talk about my condition” he said. I didn’t realize it then, I laughed actually. We shared a laugh about it, I remember. How weird, how funny. I found out later that this allowed him to take me at any time, even if I declined sex hours before. I was stupid, but I was 19.

A “sleep sex” condition. When do you think Tyler got this diagnosis? What is the treatment plan for this kind of condition? I never saw Tyler taking medications or doing therapy to counteract his condition. Is his condition only triggered when the person lying in bed next to him is a woman? What runs through a man’s head when he wakes up over a woman in the middle of an episode? Does he stop? or does he finish?

I confused Tyler’s jealousy for love. I confused his controlling tendencies for caring ones. Shortly after my miscarriage, he started cheating on me. Every time I confronted him, I was gaslighted. I reached out to friends and they pulled away, not wanting to get involved. I felt like I was going crazy. I was so weak and so vulnerable. I asked him to leave my house the day I found out he was cheating. He wouldn’t leave. He stared at me loathingly from MY bed. He denied me acknowledgement, he denied me my personal space. He stared and stared, emotionless. He didn’t say a word, he didn’t leave. I had to leave my own home, and crashed on a friend’s couch. Tyler later told me that I “probably fucked [friend]” to get back at him. 

He used that as leverage to continue his cheating and not feel bad about it. He openly texted and called women in front of me. Tyler told me on one instance that he might keep cheating if I kept the nosering that I had gotten without his permission. He said it made me look gross. He told me that he cheated because I was too “depressed” all the time and that pushed him away. He made me understand that everything that was causing me pain was my fault. This self-blame mindset obliterated my individuality, my intuition, my confidence and self worth. I was trapped in the relationship, a prisoner to my abuser.

I broke up with him after being tired of the mistreatment. He slit his wrists. I came back. We started dating again. He started cheating again. I wanted to die. He isolated me from my friends and family. He got very angry when I would go out. He punched holes in doors and walls. The threat of Tyler’s suicide kept a gun to my head and prevented me from causing any conflict. I was constantly stepping on glass, trying not to upset him.

One night stays seared in my memory forever. Drunk, he singled out one of my coworkers and called him a “pussy” for liking a certain band. This conversation escalated, Tyler got more aggressive, and I had to usher him out, embarrassed that he had started an altercation at my work. Driving home, I confronted him about his alcohol problem. Tyler was silent for about thirty seconds before he began repeatedly smashing his head into the dashboard. I had to pull over and physically grab him to get him to stop. I can never forget that disturbing repetition of him slamming his face into the dash—and the raw fear I felt in that moment.

“Abuse creates complex bonds between survivor and perpetrator that are difficult to break; it also causes a great deal of cognitive dissonance as the survivor attempts to reconcile the brutal reality of the abuse with the person he or she once saw as their greatest confidante and lover in the early stages of the relationship. This cognitive dissonance is a defense mechanism that is often resolved not by seeing the abuser for who he or she really is, but rather by denying, minimizing or rationalizing the abuse that is occurring as a way to survive and cope with the trauma being experienced.”

-Shahida Arabi

TW: Miscarriage, Rape

He started doing coke, and drinking every day. He got meaner. 

One day I remember we had a tender moment on the floor. I was feeling vulnerable and safe in the moment, and decided to confide in Tyler about my feelings about my miscarriage from about a half a year before. He listened intently until I finished speaking. He then looked at the floor for a few seconds before softly chuckling and shaking his head, smiling. “Wow. That’s the kind of fucked up shit me and [Friend] joke about”. He continued to laugh. He said that the miscarriage “really ruined” me. I was shocked. I never forgot that moment—I’ve re-lived it a thousand times in my mind. His lack of empathy still gives me chills.

He could be tender to my dog, but when he was frustrated with her barking he would shove her around, too hard. This deeply upset me, but at the time I couldn’t even protect myself from the abuse. At this point he pressured me into sex regularly, no matter how exhausted I was or how much I resisted. I saw it as a thing I had to just do to get out of the way. Times I would refuse I would find him on top of me in the middle of the night. It was easier to let him finish. One night in particular I detail in a letter to myself that I wrote when I first broke out of the relationship—a note that would force me to acknowledge my abuse, even if I fell back in love with him. We had been drinking, and came home to sleep. Sex wasn’t on the table, and I was exhausted. I woke up feeling him on top of me. I had a tampon in…he forced himself in anyway. The pain was indescribable. I remember just lying there and thinking, “This shouldn’t be my life. How did I let this happen? How can I get out?”

Then a friend in the group began taking Tyler to shoot guns. Immediately he wanted to buy a gun, even though we had talks about how guns make us uncomfortable. He admired the power a gun would grant him. He began being obsessed about having protection, as justification. His cocaine use increased. I told him to seriously reconsider because he knew and I knew he was mentally unstable. He bought it anyway. I started feeling very afraid. I was always walking on glass, not wanting to set him off, never feeling like enough. I suffered greatly.

He pressured me into getting an apartment with him. I knew I didn’t have money to afford the one he wanted. We argued about it for a long time. I wanted to move in with some girl friends of mine, but he rejected that adamantly. He said he would help me pay for it, that we would do a fair split of the rent based on our income. I didn’t want to live with him because I was scared of him. He said that if I didn’t move in with him, I was destroying the relationship. I was desperate and broken. I signed the lease. A day after I moved in my stuff, I reached a breaking point and realized I had to get out. I broke up with him, and in response he tried to give me oral (which I had not gotten in a long while). I pushed him off of me and left. His friend texted me, chastising me for ending things with Tyler “out of nowhere”. He did not know the extent of my abuse, but the victimization of Tyler was hurtful. Tyler did not allow me to leave the lease. The leasing office needed his permission to let me off of it, and despite the abusive situation, explained I was bound to my abuser and there was nothing I could do. I moved in with my parents. For the next year, I paid $500 a month so that Tyler could live in that apartment with his brother. I’m still in debt from that.

Tyler’s friend confronted me later, telling me to block Tyler on all forms of social media because he had seen a picture of me and tried to kill himself. I was frustrated. I never got to be a victim, because my predator, my abuser, was suicidal. He used suicide attempts in order to not only avoid being accountable for his actions, but also to be comforted by everyone he knew and victimize himself. This is why I believe that his friends and community have continued to protect him throughout his trail of abuse. And have continued to hang out with him, play in bands with him, drink with him, do coke bumps with him, laugh with him, post selfies with him, and allow him to hurt women time and time again. I’m reminded of my trauma every time I see him in a friend’s Instagram post, smiling, unapologetic, unaccountable.

Sometimes I look back at pictures of myself then. I was a child--right out of high school. I look at pictures of me and remember the isolation and pain I was experiencing at that point in time. 

After I broke things off with Tyler for good, I wrote that letter to myself that I mentioned. October 2015. It begins:

“Dear Elizabeth, I am writing you today because this morning you were thinking about Tyler. I don’t know what the future holds, and I don’t know if you will ever be tempted to date him again. Here, I will make a list of reasons why you should never consider being with him again—times he hurt you, stifled your growth, and made you feel like less than you are.” 

Here is the list:

-He was flippant about things that mattered to me.

-He would schedule things to interfere with my own plans, and then guilt me into abandoning my plans for his. He was always in control.

-If he was mad a me, he would only cook dinner for himself while I was there.

-I wasn’t allowed to pick tv shows and movies to watch.

-He often pressured me to drive to visit him in very dangerous weather (one time I nearly spun out).

-He blamed me for his own personal issues.

-I got the silent treatment often.

-He pressured me to sign a lease with him.

-He stole my jokes and told them to his friends, taking credit.

-He drank often—whiskey usually, and drinking made him mean.

-He cheated on me with other teens, younger each time.

-He insisted we drive everywhere together so I couldn’t leave.

-He pretended he didn’t know me in social gatherings, and would pull away if I was affectionate in public.

-He would tell me he would pay for dinner, but on the spot refuse to pick up the tab so that I would have to. One day I remember I told him I couldn’t afford to eat out. He convinced me to come because he “really wanted me there” and said he would cover me. We went to an expensive ramen place on Pearl in Denver with his brother and shared sake. It was a nice treat until Tyler suggested we split the tab at the end of the meal. I mentioned what he said to me before about paying and he stated he never said that. Frustrated and not wanting to cause a scene in front of his brother, I paid for the meal. He would do things like this constantly, which really made me question reality at times…what had happened versus what I remembered. The deeper into the relationship I got the more I was disoriented and confused, and his control over me grew.

-He insulted my close friends, and was not okay with me being around men, or talking to men.

-He would even get upset if I would text or talk to people in our friend group, especially when he wasn’t present. One night, Tyler invited the girl he was cheating on me with to the county fair with our friend group. He was shameless about this and would often invite her to hang out in front of me, which was psychological torture. It was normalized. No one in the friend group would acknowledge this, and I was slowly losing my mind. She was even there during Tyler and I’s anniversary. But that is another story. We are all at the fair together and Tyler is acting like I don’t exist…isn’t walking with me, talking to me, looking at me, like we are strangers who have never met. The group gets on a roller coaster, and I get into a cab with another male in the friend group, as Tyler had already picked his seat. After the roller coaster, Tyler pushes past me forcefully to show me he is angry. I say his name and he doesn’t answer. I touch his arm and he yanks away and says, “why don’t you go and fuck [male friend]?” He then joined the girl he was cheating on me with. I decided to leave the fair, in disgust, and I had a mental breakdown. I looked back on this moment with great shame because no one asked me about it later or saw if I was okay. I felt very alone then.

-He pressured me to cut ties with my family

-He would punch things when he was angry, which scared me. He punched a hole in the wall, and a hole in the door. One day, while moving stuff, Tyler got frustrated and punched the side of a moving truck in front of his dad. His dad got really upset, which meant he doesn’t really see that side of Tyler.

-When I found out he was cheating on me, I asked him to leave. He refused to leave my home, and refused to leave my bed. He didn’t stay one word…he just stared at me, silently, arms crossed. I had nowhere to sleep, so I asked a friend at the music college if I could sleep on his couch. Later, when I returned, Tyler verbally attacked me and claimed “you probably fucked him last night”.

-He threatened that if I ever studied abroad I would be hurting our relationship and he would break up with me. The internship I was considering was 3 months long.

-He could eat my food I bought, but I was not allowed to eat his food unless he let me.

-He thought it was funny to urinate on me in the shower which truly disgusted me.

-He never did anything special for me on my birthday.

-If Tyler took me out for a date and paid for dinner, he 110% expected sex in return and was enraged if I refused. Some nights I would be studying hard and completing homework to meet deadlines—the deadlines came after his needs. He often pressured me into sex while I was working towards something positive, whether that was school, art projects, or self care tasks.

So where do we go from here? Basically, I started this blog so that this will not continue. So that people who speak up and aren’t heard have a safe area to talk about their experiences. Despite the abuse, there were times I really saw hope in Tyler, but his abusive and self-sabotaging behavior has continued to hurt himself, those close to him, and those he has victimized…not to mention future victims. I do think that Tyler can get better, but he has to take one long look at himself and recognize his trail of destruction. It’s only when he can find empathy can he then seek treatment in forms of domestic violence rehab classes and extensive therapy. If you choose to be close to Tyler, you have a responsibility to inspire those changes in him instead of enable his behavior. Your silence is more hurtful than you ever know. There were so many times where friends, and kind people, have turned their backs on me every time I reached for help, not wanting to acknowledge the extent of Tyler’s abuse. I feel that the constant normalization of violence on women is gut-wrenching. But the only person who can really change is Tyler himself.

[beyblader-observations]

Reasons to watch Bakuten Shoot Beyblade (updated)

I want to take some time to recommend one of my favorite anime to everyone: Bakuten Shoot Beyblade! Most people don’t know it’s an anime, or even more than a toy franchise. Yes, it did start as a toy, but there is more to it than that. This is a wonderful anime, and I believe more people will like it if they give it a shot. Main Characters: 1. Tyson Granger/ Takao Kinomiya
Tyson is your typical, lovable main character. As with most shounen heroes, he wants to be the best. In his case, he wants to be the best Beyblader. He is excessively confident, energetic, charismatic, and cares deeply for his friends. He can be annoying and rude, but that just adds to his boyish charm. 2. Kai Hiwatari
Kai is the character who any fan of this show loves and hates at the same time. He’s an immensely powerful Beyblader who hates the world and everyone in it. Striving for perfection, he will crush anyone in his way to achieve it. He’s a multi-faceted character on the border between good and evil. 3. Max Tate / Max Mizuhara
Max is the adorable little puppy-like member of the group. Incredibly bubbly and optimistic, he’s the one you can always trust to cheer up his friends. He loves tackle-hugging everyone. 4. Ray Kon / Rei Kon
Ray is the cool and collected member or of the group. He comes from a Chinese clan of cat-people, so many aspects of his personality resemble a feline. He is the most polite, charming member of the group. Cultural Diversity If you think the four characters I just named are the only important ones, you are mistaken! There are 100s of important characters in this series (in addition to a bunch of unimportant characters)! They all have their own unique personalities and significance to the plot! One thing I love about this large array of characters is their cultural differences. As the main characters travel to Beyblade tournaments, they meet characters from all over the world! They fight teams from all different countries. As they travel to tournament sites, we get little glimpses of life in these countries! Even the main four were raised in different countries. Japan, USA, China, and Russia. Relationships
As if the characters weren’t great enough on their own, their connections with each other make them all the more lovable! The characters share strong bonds. Everyone has a unique way of interacting with one another due to their personality, upbringing, or personal opinion towards the other characters. 
As a shounen sports manga, teamwork is very important. Watching these characters work together is inspiring and admirable. Emotions 
The gamut of different emotions can be surprising. At first glance it just seems like kids playing a game, but there is more than that. In their world, Beyblading is the most popular sport. While watching this show, we see the “athlete’s” lives as they go through obstacles to win these competitions. The story is portrayed dramatically in a way that can take you from laughter to tears. Variety in animation style One fun fact about Beyblade is that if you don’t like the art style of one series, you might like the next. The original Beyblade series is separated into 3 parts: Beyblade, Beyblade V Force, and Beyblade G Revolution. Each of these have very different animation and artistic styles.
 Comedy This anime is hilarious! They throw in jokes and slang all the time. The Canadian dub makes it great because they even add characters that didn’t exist in the Japanese version just to make it more funny and entertaining to a Western audience! It’s even funny when it isn’t necessarily supposed to be… Action Of course, this show has action! It’s not your typical man to man fighting. It’s with spinning tops. But it’s portrayed in a way to make you feel like the Beyblader is in the battle. In some cases, this is actually true. This can get violent. The Beyblades get hurt often. They have living beasts inside them, and when they get damaged it hurts these spirits! But the frightening part is when the Beyblader actually gets injured during battle! Some Beybladers go to extreme measures to win, creating really dangerous Beyblades! They aren’t afraid to slice up their opponent with their blades! Some characters die or nearly die in the process. 
Dark Side This anime can get surprisingly dark. There are underground organizations torturing children and turning them into Beyblade killing machines! If the child soldiers don’t obey their orders, they are taken away and locked in dungeons! Children are experimented on to the point that they are almost no longer human, all for the sake of dominating the world through conquering the sport of Beyblading! And this is all just in the first season! Backstories Each character has their own unique backstory, which makes them feel very real. They've all had very different experiences that shaped who they are, why they Beybattle, and how they interact with others. Their roots and upbringings are all so diverse. The one thing that bonds all of these different characters together is their common interest in Beyblading. Like real people, some of them have led pretty carefree lives, while others have past trauma that really took a toll on them. Despite being a generally light hearted show, the characters' pasts can get rather depressing. A lot of the characters’ pasts involve either death of or separation from a parental figure. In the case of some characters, it involves being trapped in one of the Beyblade dungeons mentioned above. Some characters suffer from abandonment issues, loneliness, and a fear of loss or rejection. Also, the characters' stories leave room for interpretation and headcanons. Dynamic characters There is so much to these characters! They're very dimensional to the point that they feel like real people. Once you think you know a character, you'll learn something new about them that makes you view them in an entirely different light. The characters change drastically from the beginning to the end of the story. Characters who were thought to be bad guys were really just misguided. Characters switch sides at the flip of a dime, so it's hard to tell who is going to be an enemy and who will be a friend. The characters were so well thought out that I ended up loving all the characters that I hated in the beginning. With so many great characters, you are bound to find someone you can relate to. Romance If you look for romance in an anime as I often do, you won’t be disappointed. Although most isn't explicitly stated, there is certainly room for shipping in this series. The strong relationships lend well for imagining more. There is at least one canonical couple. The others are mostly up to interpretation. Often a character will say or do something that points to a possible romantic interest in another character. The vagueness of the relationships make it fun to try to figure out who likes who. A lot of characters have strong bonds that could be viewed in many different ways. Mythology The Beyblades are not spinning tops. They contain living spirits of ancient beasts! These beasts are from real Asian mythology going back centuries and were not made up specifically for this show. The four main Bitbeasts are Dragoon, Dranzer, Driger, and Draciel. These are a dragon, Phoenix, white tiger, and turtle-chimera. These creatures are from ancient mythology, symbolizing the four cardinal directions. More information here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Symbols_(China) Other characters have beasts that are based on mythology from other parts of the world, for instance Greek mythology and medieval European mythology. There are a lot of supernatural events in this series. So don't be surprised if a Beyblade blasts the roof off of a stadium or if someone is transported to another dimension. There's also sci-fi stuff like robots and androids. Music The music in this anime is amazing! Both the English and Japanese soundtracks are great! I listen to them again and again! If the less than perfect animation ever gets too rough on your eyes, or if you don’t feel like watching the Beyblades spinning during a battle, I encourage you to close your eyes and listen to the music. The dub’s 90s rock music is so fun and catchy! And the Japanese songs are very pretty! The music is made specifically for the anime, with Beyblade-related lyrics! Motivational After speaking to other fans of Beyblade, I have to emphasize that this series is extremely motivational and inspirational. The characters have to push through so many struggles to follow their dreams to become great Beybladers. Perseverance is a big theme of the series. It emphasizes the importance of sticking to your beliefs and aspirations and never giving up. Seeing the characters get pushed down so many times to see them get back up and fight with even more confidence is really encouraging. The story emphasizes to have confidence in your own ability. A lot of advice from the series can be taken out of context to be applicable to real life. It shows that you can find friends in unlikely places, and that friends can help you overcome the toughest of times. Strength in this series comes not from physical ability, but from the heart. The Beybladers learn over and over that if they have the right mindset and believe in themselves, they can accomplish their goals. Another theme is that it's possible to change for the better. Throughout the series, Tyson/Takao helps people find the good in their own hearts. The characters who were going down the wrong path learn that they can change if they just believe in their own abilities. After talking to many Beyblade fans, I've learned that this series changes lives to the point that people wouldn't be who they are today if it wasn't for Beyblade. Refreshing So if for no other reason, I encourage you to watch this show simply because it’s a nice breathe of fresh air. It’s different from most other anime out there these days. If you want something with a lot of depth that leaves you with a cheerful and uplifting feeling, this anime is highly recommended.