#indigo de souza you have failed me (and finally made me cry after weeks of not being able to actually cry)
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Drove around for an hour after therapy scream singing music and I screamed FUUUCKKK at the top of my lungs a couple times while driving on empty back roads and it didn’t fix me :/
#love when therapy drudges up a bunch of angsty emotions and then just when you’re starting to struggle with facing them she says and that’s#our time text me to schedule your next appointment bye#and then I go to the car and my heart is racing and images of my father in the hospital are in my mind and the sounds of beeping is setting#me off and I keep getting perfect flashes of the picture of his dead body in my mind and his skin was almost yellow but his ears were purple#and I remember walking into the hospital room and seeing him shaking and his eyes rolling back into his head and my mother sobbing and#holding his hand and now my mother is in the shower getting ready to go on a bowling date and I’m counting down the minutes until she leaves#so I can go outside and smoke a cigarette and sob and the world feels like it’s collapsing and no one else seems to even notice anymore#i turn 19 and my father is dead and he is never coming back and my mother is moving on and I feel like i am the only person in my life who#is no longer growing#anyways#screamed so hard to songs on the way home#screaming WHY MUST EVERYTHING HAPPEN AT ONCE !!!!! at the top of my lungs while driving down unfimaliar roads#and it didn’t fix me#indigo de souza you have failed me (and finally made me cry after weeks of not being able to actually cry)#but yeah birthday blues going hard as fuck this year#two weeks until my last year of being a teenager stars
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