#insisting that another dude totes has a crush on you

[nemossubmarine]

Warhammer 40k: Wrath & Glory RP #22

Hey, it’s the start of a new adventure, and with the leaving of Gorm and addition of Vivek the party’s average height has gone down like 30%. I wonder if that’s going to be at all relevant?

There’s about a day or so in between Gorm and Uffe leaving and anything interesting happening. Vivek and Saef spend it together. 

Vivek has decided to stay at Saef’s room, since he rather not take a stranger’s room and Gimlet lives between Gorm and Saef, so taking Gorm’s room won’t do either. 

Saef’s cool with this. 

They hang out and talk, Saef explains what has gone down at Dew Mountain (Vivek doesn’t explain at all about what has happened with him :P). 

Saef also mentions to Vivek that the Inquisitor has arranged him a teacher in all that psyker stuff. 

Vivek questions what might be the end goal of such an education. 

Saef shrugs and says he only wants to keep the Inquisitor happy for now. 

Vivek warns him that it’s plenty easy to get conscripted in a world such as this, so it might be relevant for Saef to ask about that before he gets drafted for something he doesn’t want to. 

Saef says ”thanks dad”, which flusters Vivek a bit. 

He tells him to get a better father figure. 

Saef shrugs and says that he somehow has managed to get quite a few dads, Gimlet, Vivek, his actual dad, who’s also on ship. 

Saef opens up to Vivek about how awkward the whole thing has been, having his family on board. 

He mostly tries to avoid them, because he’s pretty sure his family doesn’t want to see him. 

Vivek shrugs and says it might not be the case, but if this is what Saef is most comfortable with. 

Meanwhile, Gimlet stays inside his room and avoids Vivek the best he can.

But let’s cut to the actual happening-ons, Saef gets a text from Molly, where Molly asks him to get his friends and meet her at the teleporter. She has a favor to ask. Saef gathers Vivek and Gimlet and off they go. 

Molly explains that there’s an Imperial cargo ship adrift in space and it’s been calculated to hit Santa Maria within an hour. 

Santa Maria is planning on blowing it up, but Molly would like to take a peek at what the cargo is and whether it could be sold for cash-money. 

Namely she wants Saef and co to do it, and they have only about half an hour to do so before Santa Maria blows the ship up. 

So any ideas? 

Vivek suggests them hopping onto the ship and fixing the engine if it’s broken. 

Good idea, but there’s one problem. His name is Jimbo, he’s the new teleporter guy (RIP Paul, you are missed). He needs to be gotten out of the room so Molly can teleport our folks. 

Molly says all he knows about Jimbo is that he really, really likes space golf. 

Vivek asks if anyone knows anything about space golf a little too loud, and Jimbo (from the other side of the room) asks if someone mentioned space golf. 

Vivek grits his teeth for a bit, then turns on his smile and goes to talk with Jimbo. 

You see, Vivek is a space golf enthusiast but doesn’t actually know much about it, maybe Jimbo could teach him. 

Jimbo suggests they meet up for a coffee after his shift. Vivek agrees, and then tries to get Jimbo to show him his club right now, so he could talk golf better? 

Yeah it doesn’t work. So Vivek agrees that it’s a date. 

Jimbo gets quite flustered at that, he didn’t mean it as a date.

 Vivek pulls rank on Jimbo, saying that he’s a corporal of the Mechanicum army (technically still true?) and he doesn’t do or tolerate that kind of behavior (it wasn’t a date-date, it was we’ll meet there at this time and date-date), so maybe Jimbo could go and report to his supervisor about what he just did. Jimbo, defeated, does so. 

Vivek turns to the others and asks if he was flirting with the dude. 

The general consensus seems to be yes. 

Well, nevermind that, Molly starts working the teleporter and sends the trio in one by one (in order Vivek, Saef, Gimlet).

Our heroes teleport into a tight corridor of the ship. There’s a siren blaring and smell of blood in the air. 

Also, Saef recognizes the smell of tyranids. 

When he informs the others of this, Vivek says that his grandparents were killed by tyranids, to which Saef points out that his whole home planet was just decimated by tyranids. 

They pull out their weapons and start sneaking forward. 

There’s a window showing to the cargo room and Saef sees shadows moving inside. 

Upon letting everyone know, they duck so as to not let the people (or most likely xenos) inside know what’s up. 

There’s blood and servitor parts littering the room, and a broken down servo skull that Vivek checks out. 

It’s clear that our heroes can’t avoid the battle forever. 

Vivek asks what’s their usual battle plan. 

Saef says they usually just let Gorm go first, and then follow after him. 

Unfortunately there’s no Gorm around, so one of them has to go first. 

Vivek gets up, catches glimpse of the first genestealer (of two) and blasts off its lower left arm with a devastating blow. 

This is for my grandma, he says as he does it. It’s pretty cool, eyy. 

Saef gets up next and shoots the same genestealer, killing it. 

There’s a second genestealer still left. 

Gimlet shoots at it, and also manages to blast off its lower left arm, very cool-like. 

Unfortunately it doesn’t quite die and it charges through the new broken windows at the closest victim, which is Vivek.

It gets stuck in the window, but manages to attack Vivek quite severely (altho Skitarii don’t bleed, so who’s to say). 

Saef comes in to beat it up with his bludgeon. It’s quite shocking. 

Gimlet shoots at it over Vivek’s shoulder but the genestealer has not yet gone down.

 It attacks both Vivek and Saef with its next attack. Ouch. 

Vivek has noticed that there’s a pipe of some sort going above them, and he pulls off the vent of it with his magnetic abilities (dude’s one big magnet if need be). 

The pipe turns out to be a pipe for gasoline and it douses the genestealer. 

Saef manages to step out of the way in time to not get doused. 

Vivek then lights up a cigarette and drops his lighter into the gas, lighting the poor genestealer aflame (but it looks damn cinematic).

The genestealer rushes back out of the window and dies on the cargo bay floor. 

Combat’s over, yay! 

Gimlet goes to give Saef some first aid. 

Vivek wanders off to check the other stuff in the hallway, which turns out to be a skeleton of a small child with a small bunny plushie next to it. 

Vivek loots it and then goes to examine the cargo bay. 

Gimlet offers Vivek first aid as well, but Vivek says he’s fine. 

Both Gimlet and Saef can see this is not the case. 

Saef asks Vivek to accept some medical attention, ”for me buddy?” 

Vivek pulls Saef aside a bit, and notes that Gimlet’s the reason he currently wanders around without an arm and an eye, so he doesn’t exactly trust him to get anywhere near his wires. 

But fine, he’ll do what Saef asks, as long as Saef keeps an eye on Gimlet. 

Vivek asks Gimlet to take a look at the spot where the Genestealer’s hit has driven a piece of his armor into his side and Gimlet does so, without any fuss. 

Vivek thanks Gimlet. 

Then they turn their attention to the cargo. Vivek and Saef open some of the boxes of cargo in the room. 

All seem to contain guns that Saef recognizes being used by gangers on Dew Mtn. 

Well, there’s plenty of them, but is this what Molly was hoping, who knows. 

But first a more pressing matter, turning the ship back on. 

Our heroes make their way to the engine room where Vivek and Saef immediately show their ignorance on all things technical (Vivek offers to say some prayers). 

Gimlet points out that the engine isn’t broken, it’s just turned off and it’s easiest to turn that back on from the control panel, in the cockpit. 

So that’s where our heroes head. 

The doors to the cockpit are jammed shut but there’s holes from guns littering the door and one hole big enough for our heroes to get through. 

Inside they find several dead genestealers as well as a dead space marine, who’s body has been eaten from inside his power armor. 

Gimlet immediately recognizes the space marine’s armor and says it’s a Red Corsair, a type of Chaos Space Marine known for pirating. 

Vivek puts out his cigarette on the dude’s armor. 

Gimlet turns the engine on and everything's smooth sailing, except the gas light is on, for some reason hmm… 

Saef and Vivek go attempt to put the panel Vivek tore off back on, but it’s too high up so Gimlet comes to help, lifting Saef up to get the panel back on. 

That figured out they return back to the cockpit and notice that the ship was on autopilot, heading somewhere in Dew Mtn and it’s now asking if that should be continued. 

Saef calls Molly and let’s her know that the cargo is shitty cheap ganger guns, and also a chaos space marine. 

Molly is a bit surprised at that, it is an Imperial cargo ship after all. 

She leaves getting rid of them to Saef. 

So, can our heroes sell these totes illegal guns to someone? 

Saef says he knows a weapon sales’ person by the name of Sheila on Civitas A. 

She dealt guns to a lot of gangers, from similar crates. 

Unfortunately she is super-annoying, but it’s worth a shot to check if she’s still alive and in the business. 

Vivek takes the pilot’s seat (well co-pilot’s seat as the Red Corsair is on the pilot’s seat proper). 

Gimlet investigates the body of the Red Corsair more carefully. 

He finds the Corsair’s bolter and on it ascribed the name ”Nemeroth”, who Gimlet knows to be a Red Corsair warlord that supposedly died 120 years ago. 

Saef carries some of the bodies out of the cockpit to give them room to manage the ship. 

As he does so, he hears some kind of mechanical sound coming from underwater, or under gasoline in this case. 

He follows it and finds the servo skull that is attempting to make some kind of sound, but its speaker is broken. 

Saef brings the skull to Gimlet to look over. 

There is a radio on the ship that Vivek has turned on. 

Apparently Red Corsairs are really into metal. 

But the skull could be hooked up to the speakers as well. 

As Gimlet fiddles with the skull, he asks Vivek whether Uffe has a crush on him or not. 

Vivek seems quite taken aback by the question, asking on what observation Gimlet is basing this on, he has only ever seen Vivek and Uffe together twice, and it’s not like Gimlet has any particular great insight into what kind of person Uffe is like. 

Gimlet is quite persistent at the point. 

Vivek points out that Space Marine’s don’t do romance / sex anyway, so he must be mistaken. 

Saef chimes in about these books he’s read that say something quite different.

Vivek makes the point that those have been written by people who find Space Marines attractive, plenty of those around, Vivek may or may not belong in that category (just because he likes a man who could snap him in half with one hand…), don’t mean they are accurate to what happens in real life. 

As they are arguing the point, Gimlet hooks up the skull into the speakers and it starts blasting off a message about Elysium and Grand Inquisitor Fane. 

Vivek asks if this Fane person is a friend of Gimlet’s. 

Gimlet says an Inquisitor by the name of Fane did live, 120 years ago. 

So is this some kind of time travel thing?

 Saef goes to check out the weapons and comes to the conclusion they have been made maybe two months ago, max. 

So at least those aren’t from the past. 

There’s also the question of servitors, as far as Vivek can see, they’re not official Triplex Phall -variety, so someone’s making unofficial servitors, great. 

Gimlet is also worried since Grand Inquisitor isn’t a title in the Inquisition. 

Vivek suggests perhaps this Fane fellow liked to be called a Grand Inquisitor in bed (eyebrow waggle). 

Gimlet doesn’t really get what Vivek is saying so Vivek calls him a bit of a virgin. 

Gimlet leaves the cockpit. 

Saef stays with Vivek and teases him about Uffe a bit more, though Vivek can see that Saef is just ribbing him. 

He does admit that Uffe is kinda cute, Saef says he doesn’t really see it, but ”you do you”.

And that’s all for the first session of this adventure. Plenty of mysteries abound. Next time, some weapons selling and possibly something more.

[innytoes]

In light of the new Leverage Redemption trailer, my mind is of course buzzing with Future Headcanons for Let’s Go Steal A Protégé. 

-If I did my math right and Leverage Redemption is taking place in 2020/2021, that puts Jamie at around the same age as Hardison was in the original series.

-They have 12 Leverage International teams and Jamie is totally on one of them as the grifter/thief.

-They’re one of the teams based in Europe. Their home base is in the Netherlands, because I am Dutch and Let’s Go Steal a Protégé remains primarily self-indulgent. Give my child Jamie some stroopwafels.

-The team is probably based on a farm in the middle of nowhere, Friesland, with another safe house in between all the shabby student houses in like, Utrecht or Eindhoven. Nobody notices or cares who’s coming and going in either places as long as you don’t cause too much noise pollution.

-Jamie totes flies home for the holidays, sometimes dragging several Leverage International team members with them.

-Jamie finds Breanna UTTERLY DELIGHTFUL.

-Hardison goes to visit all the International teams to keep things running smoothly. Jamie’s team is the only one who gets a box of Eliot’s Special Cookies, though.

-Diversity wins! Everyone on Jamie’s team is some flavour of queer because I said so.

Jamie’s team consists of:

Jamie, the grifter/thief. Usually the ones who deals with ‘HQ’, aka: sasses the OT3 while getting the information on their next ‘Leverage International’ job. Parker once asked if they took over as mastermind and they were like: no, it’s just that the rest have incredible phone anxiety or are scared of Hardison. Jamie 100% does the Hardison-like powerpoints.

Noud, the hitter/hacker. He’s a tall ginger dude. Owns the farm they work out of, is a good few years older than the rest. Eliot once kicked his ass when Noud was a young whippersnapper going after the same job as him. He’s had a crush on him ever since. When Hardison asks how that works if he injures himself/his hands while being the hitter, he shrugs like: I’m very good at typing one-handed. Also like, a lot of weed.

Ibrahim (Bram), snack and alibi provider. Noud’s boyfriend. Not actually on the team, runs the farm while Noud is out vigilante-ing. Very good at saying ‘they were with me all weekend, officer’. Does not understand Noud’s crush on Eliot when ALEC HARDISON IS RIGHT THERE. (Jamie is like: stop talking about my crime parents that way, plz.) 

Bibi, grifter/fixer. British Indian transplant in the Netherlands. Speaks seven different languages fluently, a few more almost fluently. She grifts when they need someone to speak the local languages, because Jamie’s TRYING okay, but learning Dutch and German at the same time is a recipe for disaster, since one of them has grammar rules and the other has a shrug emoji when it comes to rules. She finds all their local clients and does a lot of the behind the scenes stuff to get the marks in the right place and the right time.

Pleun. Hitter/mastermind.  Usually runs the show, but is not above running in and punching someone out. Very tiny, very blonde. The grifters are so annoyed she can’t grift to save her life, yet people still let her into places because she just looks so damn innocent. She is one of those ‘shorter because closer to hell’ kind of people.

Farah, hacker/mastermind/voice-of-reason. She’s the one who holds the team’s collective brain cell most of the time and reigns in their stupidest, most reckless plans. (Noud, stop suggesting explosions. Jamie, put down that torch.) Has a collection of very fashionable hijabs, some of which have secret pockets/places to hide usbs. Knows way too much about social media manipulation. 

-Jamie has watched Pleun and Farah dance around their Feelings for each other for months now and has texted Sophie in the groupchat like: was this what working with the OT3 was like when you started? Hardison fires back: excuse me she and Nate were way worse.

-Jamie drags Hardison a little like: What’s our role? Oh no, we’re all multiclassers, because we’re just that good. [insert shit eating grin here].

-The angry stray barn cat that hangs around the farm was named Eliot. Jamie insists it was already named that before they showed up. Eliot still isn’t amused.

[shijiujun]

history3 ep 7 summary - OMG SO MANY GEMS I DIED OF CUTENESS

i’m tagging my summaries as #history3 spoilers just in case any of you don’t wanna see anything till you get the subs/episodes i’m sorry i didn’t think of it before, there’re a lot of capital letters in this summary the cuteness was ridiculously intense tonight

also i don’t know if you guys watch the live stream on bilibili like i do, but it’s HILARIOUS the comments by the chinese audience are killing me and there’s also this function whereby all the live comments just slide across the screen like this (yes it’s damn difficult to watch the show like this but luckily you can make it translucent while you’re livestreaming, but i do it anyway because it’s COMEDY GOLD):

bar scene: tang yi follows pretty guy to the cctv surveillance room,  OMGGGGG I LOVE THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN PRETTY GUY (whose name is Andy by the way) AND TANG YI - Andy asks how did Tang yi know that shit was going to happen in his club, and tang yi doesn’t respond but andy ain’t giving up

andy: “dealing drugs in my club? do they wanna die?”

YAS ANDY YOU GO!!!

andy: “how did you know something was going to happen? you know a cop among them? is it the one you talked about earlier, the one that you’re passionate about?”

tang yi to andy: “YOU deserve someone to be passionate to you.”

and then they shove each other like old friends do i really love it that tang yi has so many friends like the doctor guy and hong ye and everyone else this is the kind of friendship that we should all have

cue to the next scene: shao fei legit JUMPING AND SULKING IN FRONT OF TANG YI’S HOUSE GATE and HE’S WEARING THE FUGLY PINK SHIRT WITH ANOTHER STRIPED SHIRT UNDERNEATH - he’s really sulking and i love it, and then while he’s jumping, tang yi’s car, driven by jack, rolls up and jack just pauses for a moment, then turns to look at tang yi: “it’s officer meng. do you want me to just drive in?”

shao fei guiltily stops his nonsense and POUTS as the car stops, then inside the car tang yi considers this for a moment, before just alighting the car and asking shao fei: “what can i do for you?”

shao fei using the excuse that he needs to talk to tang yi, and then insisting that he can’t talk “here” and this is where THE GEM HAPPENS

they move to this tea shop where shao fei obviously regularly visits cuz the tea shop boss knows him - the tea shop boss comments “you’re wearing a really cute outfit today officer meng” WHILE TANG YI SITS THERE HANDSOMELY LIKE A STATUE HE’S SO DAMN CUTE 

and then this is character and relationship development guys, because tang yi isn’t hostile and he isn’t unfriendly, he’s just smiling at shao fei as if he knows exactly why shao fei is here and why he’s sulking - shao fei hasn’t even said or asked anything (although he does look like he really wants to say something a few times) before tang yi VOLUNTARILY tells him:

“his name is andy, he owns the bar and the business is quite good.”

and continues:

“his cocktails taste really good. my relationship with him is very good.”

SHAO FEI’S FACE!!!!!! he’s obviously totally jealous and disappointed but hasn’t said anything, and that’s when tang yi continues:

“...my relationship with andy’s boyfriend is even better” 

cue shao fei’s face lighting up!!!!!!! he’s like “that andy really has a bf?!” it lights up like a homing beacon and he asks: “Really?!!!” and it’s to tang yi’s credit and their budding friendship that he doesn’t mock shao fei or anything, he just nods in affirmative and reaches for his phone inside his pocket and finds a photo of andy and his boyfriend for real and gives it to shao fei

shao fei is obviously so relieved, but he tries to hide it by laughing, “why do you have photos of another guy and his boyfriend in your phone?!!!” to which tang yi responds, “i don’t have many friends, i don’t have a lot of photos of friends i can take” and guys i really love this scene, their friendship has really come so far and they’re sitting for tea, no hostility, no ridiculous accusatory questions, it’s just them being friends together

and so since they’re on the topic of ‘friends’, shao fei then comments that he and tang yi are friends too! LOL shao fei so desperately wants to be friends with tang yi it’s fucking hilarious because he doesn’t realise how much he likes tang yi at this point and why he’s so eager to be friends and around tang yi: “i saved your life a few times, you saved my life a few times, you gave me a discount on the suit, i gifted you the skeleton keychain” etc. etc. listing everything they went through tgt in the past few weeks

tang yi got me for a moment there - he holds out his hand, and i thought he was going to shake on that friendship, but when shao fei reaches out for his hand to shake it, tang yi retracts it and goes: “where’s the keychain (ep 1)?”

look at shao fei bb’s smile, he is totes smiling and basking in tang yi’s undivided attention and presence, they’re so cute this is my favourite scene to date - they’re totally flirting, and shao fei totally wants tang yi but he doesn’t know it yet

and then tang yi COMPLIMENTS shao fei’s clothes: “your outfit today looks very good” and idk if he half meant it as like a joke, but he seemed pretty damn sincere and whipped for shao fei to me as his basically saying that shao fei looks cute today

and omg the tone that tang yi uses when he’s speaking to shao fei here? it’s amazing, like liquid honey and tenderness, and ooooh i can tell someone is about to be jealous in the future of the junior, and shao fei is totes oblivious to junior’s crush on him but tang yi? he sees CLEARLY

shao fei laughing at the frog on his shirt, tang yi smiling at shao fei being cute

THEY’RE FRIENDS THEY ARE TOTALLY FRIENDS FUCK THIS SHIT THEY ARE FRIENDS I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL TANG YI WAS CIVIL AND FRIENDLY AND TOTES NICE TO SHAO FEI 

wow tang yi and bodydumb scene: tang yi’s about to go jogging and exits his bathroom/room and bodydumb is there - he wants to accompany tang yi on his jog as it’s obviously quite dangerous with whoever is still out there that kidnapped him previously, but tang yi says no, and then bodydumb GRABS tang yi by the arm and wow tang yi’s glaring gaze i could feel it through the screen

and this is the part that everyone doesn’t quite get - i don’t know if i’m reading it wrong but tang yi then says sternly: “i treat you as my brother, but only as my brother, and nothing else” - he walks off and leaves bodydumb behind looking stricken and disappointed (i know i call him bodydumb but if he’s really in love with tang yi and it’s unrequited love or infatuation, i do feel a bit sorry for him)

the chinese audiences live streaming with me - they really didn’t get this curveball either, i think it’s interesting, neither good nor bad but wow a bit confusing too evidently by this screencap while the live screen was going on: see the question marks?!!!!

JOGGING SCENE: this is the cutest thing ever - (shao fei do you not need to work or something you keep turning up) shao fei turns up on tang yi’s jogging route and tang yi doesn’t even look the least bit disturbed, only commenting: “are you skipping work?” 

shao fei fulfils his promise of bringing the keychain to tang yi, and then tang yi invites shao fei for a round of jogging to which shao fei replies: “one round? i can do even two rounds!” and then they just start running - they’re totally attracted to each other overtaking themselves - good, healthy competition

as they’re running to a more secluded part, under the bridge, the shooting scene that we saw in the trailer occurs - shao fei sees the suspicious man first (finally!!!! shao fei’s policeman instincts reflected here finally) and grabs tang yi to get down. the shooter does get a shot in which grazes tang yi’s back, and then the shooter walks off (he looks damn suspicious and also a bit incompetent btw) - shao fei is about to give chase, but tang yi says no need, that he’s going home, and shao fei is all: “okay, i’ll protect you!”

then jack went to find zhao zi, he’s waiting for him as zhao zi exits the police station building with the other team members, and he wants to help him cook - his team members try to get jack to go away cuz they’re alr all on the way to lunch, but jack is all “bro, i’m already here?!” and then the team members don’t seem to give too much of a thought to sending zhao zi off with A KNOWN GANG MEMBER? THEY JUST - let jack grab him

zhao zi, jack kidnapped you, don’t say hi to him like you guys have been friends since first grade!!!!!!

omg zhao zi brings him to the house - jack cooks EXACTLY what he cooked him the previous time at the house, and omg thai food

THEY’RE FLIRTING OVER INSTANT NOODLES?!!!

AWWWWWW zhao zi loves his grandma so much, he keeps everything that his grandma gifted him and places everything on the shelf, including a photo of her - PURE LOVE i really like that zhao zi treasures his grandma so much

lol jack is totally scoping the place out like an enemy’s hideout or smth, and profiling zhao zi 

jack is going to matchmake zhao zi and a girl - i think it’s totally a ploy to get zhao zi’s number, because the dude totally takes out his phone voluntarily to get jack’s ID and jack obviously is so happy to have his phone number?!!!! and sends him a sticker over LINE

back to tang yi’s house: he’s getting bandaged for his wound by cute and hot doctor, the one that treated shao fei the other time, and then hong ye turns up all panicked and flustered and demands from the doc: “will the injury get infected?!!!”

doc: “you crazy woman, how many years have i treated tang yi? have i ever done my job badly?”

hong ye: “how would i know, maybe your skills have deteriorated?!”

and then shao fei turns up and it’s funny as hell, they obviously know each other and have seen each other a few times over the years because they’re all pointing at each other like “YOU!!!” - the rivalry between them both is real and i am living for it

shao fei: “we’re friends!”

hong ye: “you guys are friends?!!!!”

tang yi: ⊙︿⊙ and then he half sides shao fei, looking to be in a real dilemma though, by saying “he’s HALF a friend!!!!” YAS TANG YI SUPPORT UR HUSBAND

and then immediately after hong ye stalks off angrily, shao fei turns to the doc and guess what, says: “will the injury get infected?!!!”

and the doc is like deja vu - “one just left, and another one appears” LOL hong ye and shao fei’s concern for tang yi, whether they like it or not, mirrors each other

the scene with hong ye and dao yi - cute, I SHIP!!!!! ice cream not-date i love it

police chief is a pretty good boss 

POLICE CHIEF U HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT’S COMING WHILE U EAT THAT PIZZA SLICE - everyone is totally avoiding shao fei as he asks to protect tang yi EXCEPT zhao zi, zhao zi you are really A GOOD FRIEND he’s trying his very best to make shao fei’s case for him

really looking forward to tomorrow’s episode i have to say - really liked that they delved a bit into the hong ye x dao yi relationship, and i love the sibling love hong ye has for tang yi, and gosh, that tang yi and shao fei are finally PROGRESSING ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP/FRIENDSHIP - and zhao zi and his grandma? and jack’s interest is all written on his face, and ANDY is an mvp he’s very sexy and hilarious

[allofbeercom]

5 Recent Movies (You Never Realized Were Completely Insane)

Nobody expects every movie to be great. For every Steven Spielberg, there’s a Tommy Wiseau. For every Ridley Scott, there’s, uh, well, another Ridley Scott. No self-respecting person has the time or inclination to watch everything Hollywood craps out, so it’s quite possible that you don’t know how bad some recent movies turned out to be. Luckily for you, we have no self-respect, so let us satiate your morbid curiosity by telling you all about this year’s most baffling cinematic turds (so far). SPOILERS AHEAD!

5

Folks, Tom Cruise Was The Real Mummy ALL ALONG

Tom Cruise played Jerry Maguire in Jerry Maguire, Jack Reacher in Jack Reacher, and someone who was born on the 4th of July in Born On The Fourth Of July. Guess who he plays in The Mummy. Go on, guess.

At first, Cruise’s character is your average U.S. Army sergeant in Iraq who seduces archaeologists to steal their maps and search for treasure. Early on, he gets into a fight with some alleged insurgents he happened to run into and orders a goddamn air strike on them — the military equivalent of asking your brother to finish the level for you.

Universal Pictures Instead of bombs, they dropped copies of the script.

Fortunately, we don’t have much time to mull over the ethical implications of all this, because the strike accidentally uncovers an ancient tomb:

Universal Pictures And like all ancient tombs in movies, it’s shaped like Clint Eastwood’s scowling face.

Cruise, the guy from New Girl, and the woman whose map he stole with his penis are sent in to investigate. They discover an ancient mummy, but more importantly, the archaeologist lets us know that Cruise sucks in bed (and not in the good sense). As they’re flying the Mummy back to England, after long stretches of dialogue about sexual inadequacy, the plane crashes and Tom Cruise fucking dies.

Unfortunately, the movie doesn’t end there — Cruise soon wakes up in a body bag, either because of the Mummy’s magic or some kind of weird loophole in Dianetics.

Universal Pictures If you told us Tom Cruise sleeps inside a plastic bag at home every day, we’d fully believe it.

A moment later, Cruise’s friend and two doctors walk in, and everyone’s biggest concern is that they can see the dick of this guy who just cheated death itself. Anyway, the Mummy ends up getting captured midway through the movie, a plot development that probably feels familiar to anyone who wasn’t in a coma between 2008 and now:

At one point we also meet Russell Crowe, who plays Dr. Jekyll. As in the Dr. Jekyll, the one who turns into the villainous Mr. Hyde. Presumably Hyde is the one who smacks hotel clerks with phones and insists on singing in public.

The third act then finds an army of corpses rising and attacking the city — though taking into consideration how Tom Cruise is in his 50s but has jet-black hair, works out like crazy, and spends most of this movie talking about how he boned someone more than 20 years younger than him, the sight of him fleeing a sea of rotting bodies ravaged by time accidentally becomes a powerful metaphor.

Then in the very end, Tom Cruise basically lets the Mummy win and use him as the host body for the god of death — but then he uses his new powers to kill her. So yes, Cruise now has ancient mummy powers, and will possibly develop an affinity for wearing toilet paper all over his body in the next movie he shows up in.

4

Did You Know Harriet Tubman Knew The Transformers?

It’s no secret that the Transformers series is basically the cinematic equivalent of watching a Monster Energy Drink in a paint shaker. Hell, the last movie found Mark Wahlberg guzzling a flaming bottle of Bud Light like that’s a normal thing to do. Even with the bar so low (and presumably on fire), Transformers: The Last Knight is maddeningly awful.

For starters, the story is an obvious attempt to smoosh together a bunch of popular TV shows into a Transformers movie. It opens with a dragon Transformer helping King Arthur, who’s seemingly engaged in some kind of game, for some kind of throne …

After a jarring time jump, we meet a scrappy gang of kids seemingly played by the Stranger Things kids’ stunt doubles:

What was that other big TV show from last year? Oh yeah, Westworld. Cue Anthony Hopkins delivering a bunch of nonsensical exposition about robots, which is apparently his jam now.

Here’s where the wheels really come off before they can retract and turn into a dinosaur. Hopkins explains that he is the only remaining member of a secret society that protects the secret history of the Transformers on Earth. It turns out that these giant-ass talking vehicles were present for many famous historical milestones. We just … forgot about them? Didn’t notice?

Members of the Society of Transformer Pals included Einstein, da Vinci, Shakespeare, and Stephen Hawking (who, by the way, is still alive, movie). Also a member? Harriet Tubman. That’s right, this movie is implying that Transformers helped the Underground Railroad. Which people have pointed out is a) insane, and b) you’d think giant weaponized robots could have done a touch more to help the slaves. At least the movie doesn’t raise the question of why the Transformers didn’t stop the Holocaust or some-

3

There Was A Movie About The Guy From Avatar Hanging Out With God In A Shack

Sam Worthington stars in The Shack, a movie adaptation of the best-selling Christian inspirational novel. The movie starts in the past, where we see our main character, Mack, and his mother being abused by his alcoholic dad. So naturally, Mack pours strychnine in his dad’s booze, probably murdering him, though it’s hard to say because this is never mentioned again.

Flash-forward to Mack all grown up and Sam-Worthington-like. But his life is still beset by tragedy, as his youngest daughter is kidnapped and murdered by a serial killer (!!!) during a camping trip. They never find her body, but Mack is told she was killed in a remote shack (a place the B52s would never in their right minds sing about). That winter, a distraught Mack receives a mysterious note inviting him to the shack, signed “Papa” — which is his wife’s nickname for God, not an implication that Ernest Hemingway is penning creepy notes from beyond the grave.

Thinking this might be his daughter’s killer, a gun-toting Mack accepts the invitation and heads up to the abandoned cabin, which sadly contains no chainsaws or Necronomicons. Instead, it magically (or I guess spiritually, since Christians don’t like magic) transforms into a cozy cottage straight out of a beer commercial. Even weirder, it’s now home to Octavia Spencer, who immediately says that she’s God. Also there are a flannel-clad Jesus and an Asian lady who’s apparently the Holy Spirit. Yeah, it’s the Holy Trinity, chilling out and enjoying their Carlsberg years.

Through a series of painfully long conversations, they convince Mack not to give up on his faith, embrace life, and maybe spruce up his living room with some Crate & Barrel chairs and assorted Martha Stewart bullshit. Jesus casually walks on water:

God listens to an iPod, for some reason:

And they show Mack a whole bunch of psychedelic ghosts out in a pasture, like Field Of Dreams mixed with Tron mixed with MDMA. Even more like Field Of Dreams, one of the ghosts is Mack’s dad. Who, if you’ll remember, was a real piece of shit. Mack hugs him, obviously.

In the end, God shows Mack where his daughter’s body was hidden, and they have a funeral for her. Which is nice and all, but maybe it would have been even nicer if, you know, his wife were there too? Or his kids? Hey, God, why is this one dude the only one who gets some damn closure?

2

iBoy: Netflix’s Weird-Ass Superhero Movie

While it sounds like a movie about Steve Jobs’ prepubescent years, iBoy is actually a Netflix production starring Arya Stark and … umm, some guy who knows Arya Stark. Its story of a teenage boy with an unrequited crush on his neighbor takes a sharp turn when he walks in on a gang of masked thugs sexually assaulting her (bullshit rape storylines seem to follow Game Of Thrones actors around). The kid flees, but as he’s calling the cops, he gets shot in the head.

Instead of, you know, immediately killing him, the pieces of exploded phone embed themselves in his brain …

… which give him superpowers. More specifically, he can psychically read and even control smartphones. And of course the human cellphone uses his powers to fight crime like a tween-friendly Dark Knight.

You may be wondering how he actually fights bad guys. After all, having Google Maps and Shazam coursing through your cerebral cortex doesn’t necessarily mean you can kick ass. It’s simple: When he’s cornered by a cadre of thugs, iBoy psychically causes all their phones to explode:

Say what you will about Batman, but even he hasn’t been able to figure out a way to set his adversaries’ balls on fire without lifting a finger.

1

Fuck You, The Book Of Henry

Judging by the box office results, a lot of you didn’t see Jurassic World director Colin Trevorrow’s The Book Of Henry, either because it was savaged by critics or because the poster made it look like the world’s crappiest Choose Your Own Adventure book.

The film tells the story of Henry, a genius kid straight out of a script Wes Anderson started and then threw away. He spends his life making Rube Goldberg devices, playing the stock market, and generally being lauded for how brilliant he is. We never find out who his father was, though presumably his mom had a one-night stand with an anthropomorphic Screenwriting For Dummies book.

Oddly, his mom is content letting him run her entire life, which seems … unhealthy. She consults with him before financial decisions and sees him more as a sort of surrogate husband than a son. Even Marty McFly would find this dynamic unsettling.

Oddly, the precious, quirky, autumn-leaf-filled indie drama soon becomes very thriller-like when Henry notices that the girl who lives next door is being sexually abused by her stepdad — meaning some genius waltzed into a Hollywood studio and pitched “Rear Window, but with kids getting molested,” and it worked. Henry’s on the case, but no one will take him seriously because the stepdad is the police commissioner (and also played by Hank from Breaking Bad). So with the school principal and child services being total dicks, Henry formulates a plan … to murder the stepdad.

And by the way, we’re just getting started.

Before Henry can go through with his plan, in another twist, it turns out that he has a brain tumor. The titular character dies halfway through the movie. Henry’s little brother then tells the mom about Henry’s dying wish that she read his journal, which contains the elaborate murder plan. Henry is so annoyingly smart that he even anticipated what people would say out loud after he’s dead:

The mom rejects the plan at first, but eventually gets sucked in. She ends up buying a giant hunting rifle and luring her target into the woods during a school talent show:

She comes very close to pulling the trigger, but doesn’t go through with it, because she remembers that Henry was “a child.” Yeah, her arc is realizing she doesn’t have to do everything a young kid told her to. At the same time, the school principal finally decides to do something about the sex abuse. Why does she come to this conclusion? Because the girl’s dance at the talent show is just so pathos-filled.

What made The Book Of Henry a next-level debacle wasn’t simply its critical lambasting, paltry box office receipts, or “bloodstained Mad Libs you found at an abandoned bus station on Halloween” of a plot. No, it’s the fact that its utter craptitude might’ve catalyzed Trevorrow’s dismissal as the director of Star Wars Episode IX. This is why you never, ever pursue your passion projects, kids.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-recent-movies-you-never-realized-were-completely-insane/