#instead of people who STILL DONT GET THE FUCKING MESSAGE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS

[anaalnathrakhs]

manifesting for everyone people who love them how they want to be loved 🙏

[kingto-d2]

A start

So, I’ve always wanted to start a blog a place to put phrases that come to my mind or how I’m feeling that I wouldn't tell the people that know me in real life. I just don’t like people worrying about me, nor do I like having to repeat things I have said already. the username Kingto-d2 is the idea that I’m a king and I’m moving forward seeing that the D2 on the chess board is the spot in front the king piece.

I’m not a confident person in myself though I’m told I should be. I hold myself up that way but I’m not. I’m strong but soft at the same time. I have so much care a love to give that sometimes it gets to me I dont have someone I want to share that with, for its all I want just that someone. I don’t trust people and have a hard time showing my emotions at all. As cliche as it is to day I truly believe I’m not like other guys. I have a sweet, kind, and loving heart, but few will ever know that of me. they will only see me as this goofy, weird guy who’s fun to be around.

So I guess a little background on me.

When I was younger around the age of 5 I was molested by multiple people over the course of 2 years. I didn't know it was wrong I was just doing what I was told and taught. I didn't learn what was going on til I started religion classes at which point I began thinking of myself as this rotten person. I couldn’t turn and tell no one because one I was scared because some were family. Two, I was now this horrible sinner and I’d constantly tell myself its okay I didnt know better. that didnt make it any better, instead I let it eat at me and I harbored this secret for eighteen years til I finally felt comfortable with this girl I loved the first person I truly ever loved and she knew I was always hiding some dark. I had bottled it up and tried to forget it, but it was always there. It still is there the damage is done but I’ve taking measures to help. Back to being young.. my parents divorced around the age of eight. I would hold items my dad got me and cry because I thought I’d never see him again, though that wasn't the case. they tried to keep it together a few months after the separation but it didn't last. this time it didn't hit me nearly as hard. Out of my siblings I like to think im the most level headed kid the better one but no one really knows how I feel or what I think and no one ever bothers to ask me. I guess they just see me as this strong older brother. Fast forward a few years. In high school I was the class clown I liked to just make people laugh I guess in a way if i could make people laugh I wouldn't feel so down or bad about myself. I played for the school soccer team and knew a good bit of people but no one was really close to me and the I also didn't feel like i belonged the my own family. The only place I felt at home was with the soccer team. I talked to girls in high school but never really dated. some girls I’d go after because I heard they were easy but I’d always stop myself before anything happened. It just wasn't in me to be interested and have sex with just anyone. After high school I started dating a girl who I had liked but was always interested in other girls. I dated her for a little bit and broke it off with her. there was no real reason too besides I guess in a way is scared because I never had anything real before. a few months go by some bad times especially between me and her, but in the end we wound back up with each other and I loved her which love is a term I don't use lightly ever. We were together for five years though officially only three. It took two years before I told about my secret and I loved this girl. I thought I’d one hundred percent marry her. Talked about future plans together all the time. The house, how many animals, the kids we’d have, and future travel plans. Though that's not how things work out for me. Her senior year of college just a few weeks from graduation she asked for a break with a promise of getting back together. she was stressed and wanted to be single for a little while since she never really was. I agreed thinking it wouldn't take long before it’d end and she’d be back, but again that's not how things work out for me. Slowly as each day went by it started to dawn on me it wasn't going to happen the way she said. Now we didn't have this fairy tale relationship there was some ups and downs but we always sat down, talked about it, and worked it out. I watched as she struggled in her last weeks and all I wanted to do was be there for her but couldnt she had cut me off thinking it would be easier for me. I watched as she started hanging around a boy who I knew liked her and flirted with her even when he was already in a relationship. Then it was over she was my rock and kept me grounded and when I lost her, her family who I liked more than my own, and myself. Losing her was my greatest fear I’m not scared of many things but I was always scared to lose her. I began to become suicidal though I know I could never intentionally hurt myself. though I prayed for it, did reckless things with hopes it’d go bad, I’d find myself drinking large amounts of zzquil just to fall asleep only to find no escape there because she lived in my head too. This fucked me up. I felt as I had lost everything. I began seeing a psychologist whom I still see to this day just made two years a few months ago. It helps and I will always recommend it to anyone. She is still the only person I’ve truly loved but I’ve moved on since then. I think of her time to time I mean she was my best friend, but we dont talk. since then I talked to some other girls but never slept with them and nothing lasted longer than a month or two. At this point I think they just use me to make themselves feel better because of how nice, kind, and sweet I am. Most recently there is one girl stuck in my head, and she makes me angry I have such a soft heart because she honestly doesn't deserve me. We talked for a month before actually meeting in person I had made a few attempts but she would ghost me. The day we met we watched movies and it was great nothing had changed from texting to being in person. She had a dog and she told me “watch what happens” as she put a pillow in my lap and laid her head down on it. Nothing happened and she removed the pillow and her head. She attempted it again a few minutes later with the same outcome.  Though this time she left her head there longer with prompted me to begin playing in her hair. Which further lead me picking up on signals from her body as I did different things. This lead to a game of anything you can do I can do better which obviously led to us having sex (which apparently I’m really good at. Not just coming from her) It had been a long time since I had done anything like that but thankfully she was fully surprised. One because of how good I was and two because I hold myself in a fashion you could never expect something like that out of me. Continuing on we began seeing each other more often and I’d spend nights at her place. I was happy, because it had been so long since I had really connected with someone and all I want in life is someone who I can fully give my heart to. Someone I can grow, explore the world, and experience life with. Sadly this didnt last for she pushed me away and this last a week. After that week things went back to normal only for her to push me away again which is where we are at not. It’s been about 2 weeks now and shes been so god damn confusing sending mixed signals throughout. Multiple people tell me to leave her alone let her go, but its just not in me. My heart is too soft and I have such a hard time letting anyone I become interested in and begin caring for go. I’ve never even gotten a solid answer of what she want from me. My dumbass sent her flowers today though. She didnt really deserve them the way she’s been treating me toying with my emotions, but something in my head said send them do it.... send them. Nothing came from it though. Not that I really thought anything would I even put a nice little card with a sweet message on it. I put forth the effort all these weeks where she hasnt put any besides once. I should stop and I know I should but I just cant get myself to and It all really messes with my head. I want her, I want to take care of her head and her heart. The chase is real and it needs to end.

[gibbyj]

6.17.21 // 2:26 am

ahhhh yes, the positives. sorry it took me so long to come back to this. truthfully, i’m just pretty lazy and like playing 8 ball more than i like intrinsically critiquing myself. yes, i’m still constantly playing games on my phone. some would call me a master mobile gamer, but those people would be moronic as mobile gamers are not real.

anyway, i have returned, party because i’m crossed enough to look inward, to talk about the *positive life lessons* i took away from a. at one point this was a series regarding my evolution as a person through college in general, but i’d be lying to say that he is not the largest part of my intrinsic growth (word of the week apparently).

when you left me, i was lonely. i’m sure it wasn’t obvious, but i was. i don’t do lonely. i had my first boyfriend at fourteen, and was never single for more than three weeks until i was seventeen, and even then, those lapses were filled with partners. thinking about it now actually, i’m not sure i went a single night between fourteen and seventeen without some sort of goodnight or good morning text.

i broke up with josh in june of my junior year. and i was single for the first time really in my a dating life. i was lonely then too. [totally nothing but i put the unheavenly creatures as *inspo* and the titular song is my fave so far gd]

oh but anyway, it was different then though. for starters, i was still in hs. you notice any differences between school and hs yet? i don’t know if you remember, but on your first day of senior year i had my first day of classes and then pulled a double at the diner. on the way home we talked and you were telling me about the new german teacher and i said something like “dude that’s like, so incredibly not important.” i probably didn’t say it like that, i probably said it like an eighteen year old, but you get the sentiment. i think about that moment probably once a week.

i regret it, as much as one can regret any stupid thing said to an unrequited ex, because i was exhausted and confused and snapped at you. and really looking back on that moment, we had no understanding of each other any more. this was the most important part of your day, or at least a part you found interesting, and i refused to give you that. and in that moment, i couldn’t give you that authentically. in the last sixteen hours, i had experienced so many ugly truths of the “real world.” and i had never been so overwhelmed.

oh my god, this was a tangent about why i was less lonely in high school…. christ i really am high. anyway, i don’t know, i made it through, mainly in part because i still had people lusting for me. i could take my shirt off, send a snapchat, and receive validation any time i wanted to. i don’t know if you noticed, a lot of my self worth was/is wrapped in the way others think i look. this faded as i got older, as i really began to learn the parts of *me* that were appealing, but it never really goes away.

when you broke up with me, it was the first time in my life i didn’t have that. i had no one to tell me good morning, or wish me goodnight, or tell me they would be willing to fuck me (pinkies out ladies and gentlemen were classy in this bitch). you had no interest in me whatsoever.

you know, it’s funny, you did to me what i always did. always. we broke up, and you had a girlfriend in line. i really don’t mean that in a rueful manner, but you didn’t have to be alone. you still got good morning texts. i did that for three years. i did that to two different men before you did it to me.

i started watching the bachelor series sophomore year (hang with me, i promise). not sure if you’ve ever heard of it, but basically you spin a wheel, guess a letter, whatever i’m sure you’ve heard of it. anyway, on after the final rose (season finale, they bring out the “happy couple” and the man/woman who was dumped on engagement day and ask them for all tje *hot goss*). on one of the seasons, one of the broken up women said something like “I had never felt so lonely. You broke up with me on the same day you got engaged, not only did I lose you but I couldn’t get closure.”

I related to that. you don’t get engaged, i assume, but i lost you. and then i uh , did some weird ass shit and dug my own grave. and i dont get to play some morality card of not interrupting relationships. because i have in the past, and i am currently typing a diary entry instead of writing it with my expensive ass gel pens to make sure my ex can read it. but i’m not messaging you. i’m not calling the number i’ve unfortunately burned into my memory. and i live too far to keep leaving shit at your gd house. i’m not interrupting you, or frankly any relationship intentionally ever, ever again.

partly selfishly, because moral dilemmas aren’t fun for anyone. but mostly because i have no fucking right, and i’m not that goddamn special, two truths i was ignorant to at eighteen. in fact, no one is that special. i will say to anyone in a room with me when i’m drunk that you’re my person, but i know that’s not true. no one has a person. we all have love to give and the need to receive it, and it’s about finding one of the b i l l i o n s of people on the planet who you can feel okay with. it’s an action, it’s not a person, and it’s nota giant game of a human soul lottery.

so when you left, i was alone for the first time, really ever. and i did not know what to do. was that, uh , clear? i was lonely. like the kind of lonely that makes your bones feel hollow and heavy at the same time.

fuck it i’m tired, maybe this turns happier tomorrow lmao? i have a thesis is the sad part i’m just wordy tonight. idk maybe i’ll update in another two weeks, we’ll find out