#ip:jesse

[goldstarstjames-blog]

@jessesaintass

Rachel didn’t waste time on texting back, instead she packed what limited belongings she had with her at Quinn’s and headed home. She resolved to text the other woman later so she didn’t worry, but right now her family was her priority. As they always were and always should be. She was a little nervous about seeing Jesse, and it showed as she knocked on the door, staring at her hand in confusion. This was her house, she bought it with Jesse, she decorated it, she lived in it. She wasn’t required to knock. But this was also new territory, they’d never had a fight where one of them moved out before. So she just waited instead, hovering awkwardly on the doorstep. 

[goldstarstjames-blog]

The Letter

STARRING Rachel and Jesse St James

FEATURING Rocco? In discussion?

TIME Sunday, August 21st

LOCATION A tent, somewhere in Ohio wilderness

SUMMARY Jesse has been hiding something for twenty years, with Rocco revealing his identity, it’s time for him to come clean to his wife.

TRIGGERS none?

Jesse eyes kept going over the word 'son' his hand practically shaking at how tight he was holding the letter. Jumping at the sound of Rachel's voice he put the letter down at his side like he had been caught with something he shouldn't have. In a way that was actually what had happened. "Rae-" He stammered. "I-" Clearing his throat to hopefully help him complete a full word he shook his head and sighed as he fell back on to the pillows. "Fuck." He breathed. Keeping the letter close so that she wouldn't try and get it to read as he tried to find the words he sighed. "We need to talk."

Rachel frowned in concern, rushing over to him as she placed a hand on his forehead. "Baby...are you sick? Do we need to leave?" She wrung her hands with anxiety, already feeling guilty over making him come here. "We can leave if you need to, you should really see a doctor if you're not feeling well." That explanation didn't explain the piece of paper, it didn't explain the 'we need to talk' either. But Rachel was fantastic at choosing which facts she wanted to focus on, and those words never came before anything good.

Jesse shook her head as he motioned for her to sit down across from him on the 'bed'. "Do you- uh- do you remember a long ass time ago, like literally decades ago when we broke up for like twenty four hours?" He asked his tongue getting tied with every word as his heart continued to race, he may need that doctor if he had a heartattack.

Rachel sat reluctantly, her heart pounding in her chest the longer he spoke. That wasn't a time she liked to think about, nor one they spoke about afterwards. It hadn't really counted for anything, it had been a silly fight. One or both of them threatened divorce on a regular basis, they never meant it. "Yes..." She said slowly. "I remember..."

Jesse 's breathe was rapid as he tried to be calm and collected but that had gone a long time ago. "I sort of got drunk and slept with someone." He said really quickly immediately wincing waiting for what was to come next.

Rachel felt as though she was in somebody else's body, somebody who didn't freak out, someone who didn't yell or cry or feel things as deeply as she did. No, this person simply took a breath, observed her husband and uttered. "And why are you telling me this now?"

Jesse felt like he had just went ten shades whiter than he already was and ducked his head. "I wanted to tell you over the years, I've thought of how to tell you and every reaction possible it just never seemed to matter." He stammered. "It never mattered." He repeated before holding up the letter with his shaking hand and giving it to her.

Rachel calmly took the letter from him, her eyes scanning the contents multiple times. She felt a strange sense of calm, almost like her entire world wasn't falling apart right in front of her. Maybe she was crazy, maybe she had finally lost her mind and this was what happened. This numbness took over your entire body and you were unable to form an appropriate reaction. Wordlessly, she handed him back the letter, before she stood. "I should really make a start on dinner."

Jesse blinked at her trying to figure out what she was doing. "No stay here, I want to talk about this." He said the shock of the news finally starting to go away and his flight or fight response was kicking in. He was leaning towards flight but didn't want Rachel too.

Rachel winced at the sound of his voice, before she started to laugh. A loud, obnoxious laugh that she couldn't control. It wasn't funny, none of this was funny, but somehow she couldn't seem to get a handle on her emotions. "Oh...you want to talk about it? You want to talk about it /now/? Shame you didn't feel like that /twenty years/ ago!"

Jesse eyes went wide and though he had no excuse he still shook his head. "There was no point, we were broken up, it meant nothing, I don't even remember her!" He had been guilt ridden for years over it. "Why would I bring it up? I wouldn't have now if it this stupid letter. What if it's not real? What if it's all a life?" Sometime told him it wasn't but you never knew. "He could be the son of an obsessed fan."

Rachel shook her head, trying to calm herself down and failing. She felt as though her whole world was coming down around her, her perfect world, her perfect family, perfect husband. The entire thing was built on lies. "No. No." She repeated. "No. We weren't /broken up/. It was one night! It was one night and instead of missing me, instead of regretting it like you /said/...you slept with someone else. You did that. You betrayed me and then you lied to me for twenty years." She couldn't even think about the Rocco of it all yet, it was all too much at once.

Jesse shrugged though he knew it was the wrong thing to do. "I did regret it, I was missing you, I went out and got so bloody drunk that I couldn't even tell you my name. I had no idea who I was, where I was, all because I messed up with you and I couldn't handle losing you. I loved you so damn much, Rachel that I completely lost it within hours of us breaking up. Do you really think I was going to tell you about some stupid woman I barely knew the name of until ten minutes ago? Do you really think I would have said something and completely lost you? No way."

Rachel let out a choked sob the second he shrugged, turning away from him as she tried to compose herself. It was all ruined. Everything they'd built, everything she'd come to rely on, everything she loved so much. It was all based on a foundation of lies. "You lied to me. You slept with someone else...obviously didn't use protection." She paused, wiping at her eyes before she turned back to face him. "I could have caught something, I could have gotten sick and yet the /only/ thing you were thinking about was how to keep it from me." She picked up the letter once more, reading it once again before throwing it back down on the bed. "It was supposed to be ours...babies, marriage, our lives...we were supposed to do that together. It was supposed to be special, for us...perfect. And you_you have a son with someone else."

Jesse shook his head, of course he wouldn't make her sick. "I got checked, I swear that I did. I would never do that to you, I would never ever hurt you. I never wanted you to know." He could feel it his entire world falling apart and looked down ashamed. He had spent twenty years plagued with guilt and now it had all came to light in the worse way. "Please forgive me, It's all still ours, not one thing has changed." He whispered as he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards him. "Rach, you mean everything to me. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can compare to how much I love you and how important you and our kids are to me. That stupid one night with a woman I could care less about has never mean anything to me."

Rachel couldn't help the tears that fell as Jesse tugged her closer, trying to look anywhere but at her husband. She didn't want to see him differently now, she didn't want to see their entire marriage differently and yet she did. It was tainted, ruined by a secret and right now she didn't know how to see past it. "I could have forgiven you..." She whispered, pulling her hand free from his despite the fact it killed her to do so. "I could have forgiven the one night. But it's been twenty years...twenty years of you hiding this from me. Our entire marriage is based on a lie. That I was yours and you were mine, that we were it for one another. That our family was the only family we were going to have. It's not the same_I__" She broke off, her voice clogged with tears.

Jesse felt tears fill his own eyes. "Nothing has changed, Rachel. Not one thing has changed. Our life isn't a lie." He whispered as he pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around his waist and put his head in her stomach. "Rach, please, please forgive me." Jesse pleaded. "I just never knew what to say. I'm so sorry."

Rachel shook her head, sobs wracking her body as Jesse practically begged for forgiveness. She felt as though she were in shock, everything she'd thought was real, true and perfect wasn't anymore. She'd certainly not expected to come into the tent to this. "I can't..." She whispered. "I can't do this. I can't. It's too much..."

Jesse blinked away the tears as they flowed down his cheeks. Pulling away from her he sighed and stood up. "I need to go for a walk." He whispered as he wiped at his face. "Maybe I should go home too.. I ruined our family."

Rachel bit her lip and nodded, her body shaking with the effort it was taking to keep the sobs that threatened at bay. "No." She stated suddenly, her voice firm like it usually was, almost as though she'd donned a mask of the usual Rachel St James. "Nobody is going home. We're not going to advertise our family drama. And the kids__they can't know."

Jesse nodded because he didn't deserve to fight her on this, or anything ever. Moving past her to leave the tent he placed a kiss to her cheek. "I love you, I promise I never meant for any of this to happen. I hope you forgive me one day." He whispered.

Rachel bit her lip, flinching as he kissed her cheek. She didn't know what to think or feel anymore and didn't trust herself to speak. Instead, she simply waited until he was leaving before breaking down into sobs.