#is horribly finite… and they have soft moments where they’re able to forget but it all comes rushing back joined with heavy weights

[rosaacicularis]

do you really think we're going to stop you

no… you’re not…. because all of you make them so sad….. they’re my little sillies </3 they are supposed to be happy… :(

[crqstalite]

ghosts.

to be entirely honest, i got overly ambitious with this one. another wip i started earlier this year and decidedly didn’t finish. you’ll probably be able to tell where the original ended i picked it back up -- but i liked the concept, so here it is.

f!shenko. post-alchera, post-me1. mention of major character death.

-

"I've never liked attending funerals, mourning people in general. Reminds me of everything I failed to do, and if I couldn't do anything, then that I should've been able to," Her eyes bore into his, head in her hands, "It's so many should'ves, and not enough 'dids'."

"You did all you could."

She's just out of reach, eyes downcast at the gardens of the Presidium. Still smoking, still mangled. She'd always said she hated the color black, hated mourning, but had worn it anyway. He's not sure what to do, looking at her standing there, but he reaches out for her anyway, "Did I?"

"Kaidan?" He retracts his hand from where he'd reached, pushing his elbows off the railing to face Liara. Dressed in black, accepting the human tradition though looking uncomfortable. Tired, not all there with dark circles etched underneath her eyes, "Tali is looking for you."

It takes him a moment to find his voice as Shepard disappears, Liara taking her place, "Why?"

"She...wanted to say goodbye before returning to the flotilla." Her voice is quiet, hoarse. The Asari hadn't been taking the death well, one of the more affected crewmates after the tragedy. He doesn't know why, but it isn't as if she didn't care for Shepard as well.

"So soon?" It'd only been a few weeks since Alchera, not even a full month yet. He hadn't expected anyone to stay if they didn't want to, the investigation against Saren had been over for months now. And they had only been here for Shepard regardless. Now, they didn't have any reason to be together, much less on the same ship. He didn't expect to become so attached to all of them, watching them go wasn't something he wanted to do.

"She didn't give any reasoning to her departure, if you were wondering," Liara answers, "Possibly, she isn't interested in staying."

"Is there anyone staying?"

"Garrus mentioned wanting to return to Citadel Security. I believe Wrex will return to either his mercenary lifestyle, or to Tuchanka," She pauses, turning her big blue eyes back to him. It was odd to think she was still just on the cusp of becoming a young adult in Asari culture, yet at times, times like these, was when her younger nature came through. The whites of her eyes were a bloodshot red, puffy. She'd been crying again.

"I trust Liara. She's a bit naive, but she's brilliant. Wish I was like that when I was her age -- or however that translates to us humans," Shepard's voice again, as if she's standing behind him. Her fingers ghosting over his own, her head on his shoulder, "Poor girl though. Losing her mother. Can't imagine how much that hurts. She doesn't talk about it, little worried she's deflecting from the problem entirely."

"I met her family today. They were very kind, and expressed their gratitude that I'd been a friend of her's. They didn't seem surprised, but I suppose when one dies, no one acknowledges the fact you're Asari. Only that you knew them in their life, and they cared about you enough to tell those they cared about who you were," Liara continues, snapping him out of his thoughts as Shepard's presence fades, "Losing their daughter though, that must've been devastating for them. She was a lovely person."

"It never gets easier," He responds in agreement. He hadn't had the heart to talk to Captain Shepard when he'd seen her around. He's almost glad he hadn't seen the youngest Shepard daughter milling around, after having met her after Shepard's first near death experience, Kaidan doesn't think he could find any other words to comfort her with, "I can't imagine what they're going through."

"I understand you were close to her, Lieutenant. I will not pry, but I offer what condolences I can," She offers him a gentle smile, pulling at the corners of her mouth while a tear slides down her cheek, lip quivering, "I did not expect for her to become so much to me so quickly. Why I find myself more upset about this than the events of Noveria, I'm surely broken."

"You're not broken, Liara. It's natural to grieve."

"For someone you knew for a few months instead of the woman who raised you?" Liara questions, "I think about this, some days. Had she not come to find me on Therum, whether I'd even be here today. How even though I was an alien to her, that she still cared for me as a friend. She did not mind me, in fact enjoyed my company. She did not poke fun at me when I didn't understand human mannerisms. She taught, she guided. Answer me this, Kaidan, why was she so important? Why is it impossible to stop thinking about her?"

I wish I knew, "She was a friend. Inspired a lot of people. She appreciated everyone, gave them purpose. It's normal for us to miss her, she gave her life so the rest of us could get off the Normandy," He answers, "There aren't a lot of people like her. Doubt we'll meet another Shepard in our lifetimes."

"Ashley gave her life to save ours, Kaidan. Maybe it was because of us, maybe I will feel horrible about it for the rest of my life, but I don't think I made the wrong decision, if that's what you're asking. I...would've switched places with her in a heartbeat, if it meant both of you would live. But fate doesn't work that way, and I chose you."

She'd been a mess then. Angry, frustrated, sad. Pacing around the mess late at night when she couldn't get to sleep -- he'd watched her fall apart. Losing Ashley had destroyed her, and yet she somehow made it sound like the right decision. It echoes in his head.

He still wonders if she chose right. He wonders if he chose right, going ahead to the escape pod instead of stubbornly staying with Shepard and forcing her along with him.

Now he'd never know.

"I suppose," She says shakily, gently wiping away rogue tears with delicate hands, "Ah, you are right. Still, she is someone I will not forget easily, but grief is finite. It is better we see her for how she was in life -- someone we were lucky to meet."

"That's all we can do," He agrees. And he echoes the sentiment, maybe it had been luck that drew them together. Maybe circumstance, he can't quite place it, "You know Shepard, she wouldn't have wanted us to wallow in that sadness."

"I do not believe Shepard intended to die," Liara gives him a quizzical look at the comment, before a gleam of understanding flashes through her eyes, "Oh. No, I suppose not. I do hope that where she's gone, that she's at least at peace for once. She's done so much for the galaxy, it is only fair that she finally rests."

"Vancouver, you said?" Liara grows quiet while Shepard's presence fades back, "I like the idea. Never been up there, but after this cruise, we'll carve a little time out for us. How's that sound?"

Her grin isn't really there, nor is the kiss that she'd pressed to his cheek just a moment after the sentiment was made. None of her is, "Yeah. It's only fair."

Liara takes her leave a little while later, the silence beginning to suffocate the both of them. The procession begins to thin out sometime after that, but he's still struggling to wrap his head around it. And he shouldn't be, not after she's already been gone so long. A part of him misses her more than he can verbalize, or even really rationalize.

What he'd give to have her back.

"The galaxy didn't end after Virmire, as much as I was convinced it would. Ash’s mom even called me once. I thanked her daughter for her service, and we talked for a while. Didn’t rip in to me for it, even though I deserved it," Soft, yet firm. He remembers how she'd leaned against a railing similar to this one, a lazy half-grin on her face before turning to him, "If anything happens to me, no one sets the galaxy ablaze. That's how we get villain origin stories."

He should move on, he hasn't even known her that long, and yet she's all that he can think about.

He's not sure he wants to live in a galaxy without her.