#is it just meant in the way that pete is into bd/sm and kinky? but that would make no sense to me

[dummerjan]

But you like it, don’t you? When I am like this.

This is the line I keep coming back to.

Vegas says this and yet, when they have sex he shows no trace of anger. He is overwhelmed by Pete initiating the kiss, he is reverent when taking the rope and binding Pete’s hands. His kiss, to me, is an expression of gratitude, accepting Pete’s submission and thanking him for it. He worships him, every touch tender and gentle, appreciative.

(I just had to include this pic, I couldn't help myself.)

I don’t think Pete ever looks like he is enjoying Vegas’ cruelty and mood swings. Yes, he is fascinated by him during the torture scene in Ep. 7, but in that instance the violence isn’t directed at him and purely business related. It’s a kind of violence Pete is familiar with, has exerted himself without qualms. When he is the victim he doesn’t cower or back down, he laughs at Vegas in defiance and despair, but not because he finds any pleasure in it. I am not saying he isn’t a masochist. But even if he is, it doesn’t mean he derives pleasure from any kind of pain, especially not in the context of captivity and torture when he is expecting to die. Same goes for the intimidation and humiliation. So, from where does Vegas get the idea that Pete likes him volatile and moody? Was he just trying to get a rise out of Pete because he likes him defiant and fierce? Is it just something he says in self-defense after Pete saw him in such a vulnerable state, grieving his hedgehog and failing his father’s task? Vegas strikes me as an incredibly lonely person. For me, personally, the pain of being lonely and lacking relationships is as much, if not even more, about lacking the possibility to love someone, to prove myself worthy of being loved and capable of love as it is about not being loved and having someone care for me. To have proof that I am not a monster that needs to be locked up in the basement, kept away from other people. And this might just be self-projection because those are the kind of characters I latch onto, but that is what I recognize in Vegas. When I look at Vegas I see someone who is finally allowed to be soft, caring, show affection and love. Previously he only had Macau to care for, but he also had to protect him from Kan in the role of the big brother.

He is still violent, manipulative, cruel and selfish but he is also a human being capable of love and deeply, painfully lonely. To finally have someone be the object of that love must be overwhelming. That’s how I interpret the way he looks at and so carefully touches Pete in the hospital, with reverence and wonder, not yet understanding how and why he is allowed to have that and thus all the more desperate to prove himself worthy of Pete.

I thought this would help me figure out what he means when he says "But you like it, don’t you? When I am like this." but I am just continuing to overthink this obessively to no avail. I doubt it's that deep but there’s a dissonance between his words and actions that I can’t figure out and it's been driving me crazy. Maybe someone else can make sense of it.