#is the writing sometimes shitty? do the masculinity diseases sometimes get in the way?

[angelinthefire]

I actually have a basic philosophical aversion to any discourse around whether character A just sees character B as "useful", and have for a long time. (I'm speaking vaguely because this could apply to Cas, or Jack, and also Kevin, and probably some other characters who aren't explicitly enemies too).

Because

Back around s5/6 (back when different sides of Fandom would interact more) Cas haters would come up arguing that Dean doesn’t even like Cas, that he sees him as another monster, etc. And when casgirls would come back with examples of Dean obviously being friendly, their response would be "he's just doing that because Cas is useful." This would happen repeatedly. Like if you weren’t around at the time, you need to understand that casgirls were constantly on the defensive. And how frustrating it was to be called "delusional" as a matter of course. When the Cas haters couldn't even recognize the most surface-level read of a scene, that Dean is being friendly towards Cas because he feels friendly towards him. And that they had constructed this - frankly, insane - narrative where the main character manipulates a major recurring character into thinking they’re friends because he had useful powers. Like, who would want to write a show like that? Who would want to watch it?

So that's my baseline that I come to this issue with. And the thing that I carry with me in all my interpretations is that the main characters care about each other on at least some basic level. Because otherwise, what is the point? Literally what is the point of these relationships, why would we care about them, why are there stakes in the characters fighting and making up again, why are we supposed to enjoy watching it?

And I'm not down with how I've seen it presented in fics and in posts that either A cares about B as a person, or A wants B to be useful in a fight and these are two mutually exclusive things. This is a show about killing monsters and saving the world. The main thing that characters do together, the way they build and show camaraderie, the way they self-actualize even, is by killing monsters and saving the world. It is therefore inherently a good thing when characters can participate in that, and an obstacle to the plot when they cannot. I think that's just something you've got to take for granted when approaching the show. Furthermore, being "useful" is not just for the sake of the character asking for help, it's also for the sake of the character doing the helping - they're contributing to saving the world, they're being heroic, it's generally framed as a positive step in their character development, etc. Like I don't understand it being framed as a one-sided exchange.

It's also important that this is a show that's obsessed with its own masculinity. Even if it developed a small amount in later years, that kind of masculinity where using an umbrella is seen as too gay, that's what the show is fundamentally rooted in. So it's to be expected that characters don't show affection in a normal way, that they can only do so when the world is ending, or they're dying, or they're breaking down, etc. That it happens in these big emotional bursts -- that also happen to coincide with peaks in the plot, when it's necessary for characters to band together and fight.

There's a sidebar about the loss of angel powers. It's been over a year since I've actually watched the show, so I'm not sure if the show itself contributes to this. And I'm pretty sure that Misha has made emo comments about Cas feeling useless without his powers. But I absolutely hate the "Oh no poor Cas (or Jack) feels so useless without their powers they have such low self esteem" thing. (Like Cas does have self worth issues but that's another point). Angels losing their powers is akin to a person suddenly losing their arms and their sight. It's entirely normal to feel shitty about that, and yeah, to probably deal with feelings of uselessness.

It being a normal response also means it's not the fault of the Winchesters or whoever else that whatever angel character feels useless. This is something that I see in fic way too often. Like Cas thinks he’s so useless and such a burden that it's not even clear that he knows Dean likes him, and it's all Dean's fault that he feels that way. Which, at bottom, does not make sense. Like, these characters need to realize that they're all friends, otherwise, on a very basic level, none of this works. Again, there’s nothing to be invested in, nothing to care about. (And obviously depression does things to your brain, makes you feel like a burden, makes you worry that no one actually likes you. But that's not how the fics I'm complaining about are written).

Aside from the fact that there are actual examples of the characters helping/caring/confiding/spending time with each other, and acting like they know they're friends. Despite the masculinity diseases.

If there is a problem of a character not feeling useful I tend to take it as a problem of the show elevating the position of hunter above all else rather than as an absence of basic friendship.

The one exception that I'm willing to grant, where feelings of uselessness come from a broken relationship, is Dean and Jack at the end of s15. Specifically. That's it.

But yeah, I generally cannot stand "usefulness" discourse.

[formalsocks]

mulch and some soil

mulch summary: the sensation of the empty pits scattered around your body feel as though they are currently eating away everything on the inside, you are just waiting for them to eventually eat you whole the pain can fool you into believing that you are completely empty, everything inside of you has been eaten, everything is numb and you will eventually have nothing left but outer skin, completely hollow, no thoughts you are aware this doesnt make sense and is not normal to feel this way but can not stop feeling the pain anyway and thinking what you think of when you are thinking about yourself or you see yourself in a mirror every thing is in your head. the pain you are feeling is not physical. it is emotional. very few feel "physical pain" when it is actually their brain but thats only when they are really upset where they start hurting in the inside because they have too many emotions and they have to have somewhere to go if thier head is too.full ......................................................................... .soil brain. they seem kind and caring. saying they care about you and dont make fun of you when you say weird things to them. they are perfectly normal, they have all feelings and do not feel hollow or numb and they do not think their organs are being swallowed by a black hole that eats your insides because you are the only one who feels like that and made it a fake disease because you are the only one who feels like they are being eaten from the insideby a black hole (not all the time, but will happen) they are aware that you are in pain and cant feel certain emotions because they are blocked (you do not know how to unblock them you are also unsure if you have ever been able to feel certain emotions and maybe you were just born incapable of feeling them or they are locked away from yourself) (defense mechanism? maybe). side note:this type of brain in a person is perfect for helping mulch brains but they are rare and if you find them cherish them and be really good to them .brains. .their brain. their minds were made from the richest soil, very beautiful flowers that smelled like good memories (block parties,snow,your dad when you hug him after he says he loves you) covered their brain, bragging how healthy and whole they are and they dont feel hollow at all. among the soil also grows the really lush soft grass that is natures blanket and twinkles in the sun because it is such a pretty green. a new couple are on their third or fourth date eating strawberries and also eating watermelon straight from the melon with two spoons (cut in half and sharing both halves), the guy drops his spoon (it gets dirty) and blushed when she feeds him with her spoon, they both blush and look away to hide their smile. this part is cute and they will look back on it when they part ways and smile and blush at the thought of it, both of them wonder if the other one saw them blush and the answer is yes they both saw it they will remember this moment for a while. and the girl is wearing a white sun dress that she wore on purpose because the last time she wore it the guy said she looked like the prettiest girl in school. the guy remembers he said this and hides his smile when he thinks maybe she wore it for him (she did) but he has low self confidence and thinks he likes her more than she likes him so he thinks that she wouldnt do that for him but he secretly pretends that it is true (it is)) with mary janes she is very cute and has lots of freckles and light brown eyes, the ones that have gold flecks in them. and the boy is wearing a yellow shirt, (you can decide if he is wearing shorts or jeans (if jeans, light blue/paint splatters (accidental) if shorts, maybe cool plaid ones his dad had when he was 17 that he found in attic) he has bright red vans on with blue writing scribbled across the side of the shoe (right one) but you cant make out what it says but i will say that it is one of his favorite album titles (he also has good music taste so it is a cool album) this is how nice their brain is they are naturally beatiful and have the perfect balance and perfect thinking process and have very few problems and for the most part they are happy. .your brain. your brain is covered in damp brown/orange mulch and has no crops or flowers in it. the mulch on your brain never dries so even if you had seeds to plant, it would be too much moisture and they would never grow. you cant remember when your crops and/or flowers died, or if you ever even had them. (you think the ugly colored mulch suits you well because you also feel ugly and gross like mulch but you wish you had nice soil like they do) you dont remember much of your childhood. you know something happened and it made you very upset and made you not understand lots of things and made you forget what happened that night when you became older because thats how much you didnt like it and your mind made you forget it on its own so you didnt even mean to do it. you remember bits and pieces but you are also missing the most important parts of the event so you dont know exactly what happened. you also think this event is partialy responsible for having damp mulch and no flowers or crops growing from your brain and making up a disease that isnt real that you also diagnosed yourself with even though it is not real and the pain of your insides being eaten by black holes is very irrational and doesnt actually happen to you it just feels like it is sometimes. you also only remember your life with the person who you saw do something bad *after* that certain event. you remember mostly everything about your kid years but for the ones who were involved in the bad memory you cant remember 1 single moment you had with them and if you have a memory and they are in it you only see them as a figure of static, the one that looks like a lot of ants spinning very fast and also running around (you think ants are cool because they are very small and cute but can like like 30× their weight). you can make out their body shape and you know it is them but you cant hear what they are saying. you also think this is why you hate mirrors and cant tell what you look like because something broke at some point and your eyes dont work but only when you look at your self but when you are looking at anything and anyone else you have 20/20 vision and you think this is weird but you have grown used to it because you dont remember how you looked at yourself when you didnt have this problem so it is now normal for you but also upsetting because you cant tell if you are fat on the day you look in the mirror or your eyes just do that because you used to be fat and dont think you changed from your kid self and that is scary because as a kid you were very ugly and fat. you sometimes think this is for the better because in the mirror you dont look right and your face is mixed up and if you knew what you looked like all the time you would be very sad about it because you at least know you look bad to some degree if your brain is also hiding what you look like from yourself. (brains do this when something is too upsetting to see or remember something you really dont like and cant hanlde). so it may be better off not knowing. you are also someone who tries to be postitive so you consider this a good thing overall-. (you try to be positive but you can be really negative because when you are upset about something you cant change all you can do is complain and that is a 1 very negative thing to do. you should stop doing that) -because you dont have flowers or crops and have mulch for a brain and most people have okay soil,average soil,and,very good soil for brains and mulch is the worst one you can have bc its shitty for crops (thoughts and emotions) and is ugly and also damp, doesnt dry, and has an ugly color and is made out of things that look ugly in large amounts (most mulch is in a large amount). you think you cant process things and cant access lots of emotions but when you do you care about something too much you can ruin it. or care about somebody too much and it scares them and you lose them forever and they also wont like you how you like them and then you get sad but understand bc you know exactly why they dont see you like that but its still upsetting so you swear off of liking someone but you end up doing it anyway bc you cant help it it is quite the cycle) you are also scared all the time because every second you look different and you dont know what you look like not including the seconds you look in the mirror and not knowing that is scary because the thought of people thinking you are gross to look at also makes you feel gross about yourself. you also constantly say you have to go to the bathroom but you go to see what you look like and when you are hanging out with someone and dont want to seem like you are checking yourself out so you dont look in the mirror and then yiu cant make eye contact after 30 min bc you dont know what you look like and cant risk it) people stare at you and you say it is because of the clothes you are wearing because you wear weird clothes that arent feminine (if you are a girl) or masculine (if you are a boy) (you also dont care if you wear boy clothes if youre a girl and girl clothes if youre a boy because that is really stupid and people should wear what they like which is what you do and you really think you look cool and portraying a fun personality but when other people think you are weird you feel like you are weird and that makes you want to hide and leave when no one is watching and go home to put pjs on because pjs are comofortable and people dont judge them usually even though you are at home and no one is even there to judge you but your parents (siblings if you have them theyre probably mean if they judge you tho)and they judge when you are dressed too boyish (if you are a girl) and dressed too girlish (if you are a boy)). you wish your brain knew what was okay to wear and do and how to act but a lot of things, again, it doesnt work in your brain like they should so you dont know but what does work well a little tok well is awareness and paranoia and you are aware of people looking at you and paranoia is when you are worried and want to know why people are looking at you so you can change whatever youre doing to something normal and if it is because you are ugly you are going to be tempted to do a big change to try to change your face as soon as you are alone and you will examine your face to try to make it out but it looks different everyday and in different mirrors and cameras so you get upset at this and go to stress eat but then stop because you already ate granola earlier and dont want to get fat again bc that would suck (what to change when you are questioning your appearance: eyebrows, style of eye makeup that creates an illusion of a different eye.shape because your eye shape is weird, hair? color and/or cut but some are not allowed to dye their hair like this author but wouldnt anyway because they like how soft is it and it never ever tangles whihc is super nice) and then you will ask if this will actually mask your bad facial features and it wont so you give up and lay in bed and dont turn the lights on for a while because light can show way too much of your face and all the imperfections that you cant see in the dark (not necessarily pitch black but you have to be careful because so lighting can be low light but then adds shadows excentuating the shape of your features (good example: big nose). this what you would be like if you had a mulch brain. this was to see if you think the same things as the author of this or if this author is the only person in the world who has a mulch brain. main qualities of a mulch brain: doesnt know how to feel about things and the process of understanding something very serious is non existant 3/4s of the time you can not tell what you look like but you know it is bad and people dont want to look at you so you feel like you have to apologize for them seeing you but then you would sound like you are fishing for compliments and that makes people uncomfortable (also be careful about how much you talk about something you dont like about your self ppl can also be uncomfortable by the fact you are openly talking about something that is not something too discuss so openly especially if you are graphic i.e. "skinning my face would look better than my normal face" the author has said this and didnt actually mean it because skinning your face would be gross looking but you think about it sometimes bc you would get rid of all the bad parts and that would be cool but your face will also....be skinned. in conclusion the person this was said to got uncomfortable and was laughing before ithe author said it and the girl immediately stopped laughing and stared. (this is not fun) something bad happened in your younger years you 1.cant remember well or 2.you remember it too well where you think about it all the time and it still upsets you a long time after it happened and there is no threat against you but you are still scared you remember literally nothing important or what happened but you remember something extremely insignificant but also very detailed for ex. the color of your parents bed sheets the night it happened and exactly what you said to your sister when you went to hide in your sisters room and remember the amount of times the two sisters called their father until he picked up you ruin lots of relationships you dont want to but yea you love your sister like, a lot, if you dont have a sister you love your brother and if you have no siblings maybe you cherish something that has always been around? trying to list something for everyone ex. dog. stuffed animal. toy. you are probably ugly (i think this is listed but needs to be stressed) you like horror movies and gore but you would not and will not ever hurt anyone because that is terrible and is one of the worst things you can do but since you look weird and like horror you think ppl think you are scary and it is very likely tho do think you are scary and dangerous but you are not at all and you also threw up and cried when you were 16 bc u stepped on a frog and killed it side note: vowed to not eat anything for a day if i kill another animal you love animals you like alex g (you are even more of a mulch brain if you love him and know all of his songs) (and also is honest about his two new songs bobby and witch and dont just say theyre good because its by alex g but giving an honest opinion on it its is more of a real fan thing to do) you try to be nice to everyone but assume ppl think you are boring and if they have similar style and they try to be friends w u bc they also dress the same and like the same music but you cant carry on convos bc u get nervous and that makes u boring so they stop trying to be your friend and probably think they are similar to me but cant start a friendship if they cant talk to you unless they are drunk (let me be specific: smashed drunk. normal drunk still makes you nervous) you think your friends are mad at you all the time except for the super nice ones because they are understanding and actually love you because they are really good people and it is shitty you compare them to super nice ones to the other ones who can sometimes be mean and you feel bad about it bc they are both your friends even if one can be a little mean. you like giving gifts a lot you cant tell if youre fat or not sometimes lights make you dizzy for thinking about what you look like in that light setting and also bc lights can be fuckin bright and give you insane eye and head migraines you are actually a secret romantic but have little to no experience w anyone except when you have been dr*nk and didnt care about being bad at kissing and you want to do it sober but worried youll be bad but also hoping the person you like wont care and think it is cute (hopefully you would like someone nice where they wouldnt make fun of you for it and they are understanding because if you are kissing them sober and also have a mulch brain they probably already know about you and what insecurities you have) you are funny online sometimes and you will say the same exact joke in person that ppl laughed at but they go quiet bc they dont know how to respond and then you wish you didnt say it youve only.truly liked three people for their personalities *and* looks you are the one typing this (not a requirement)