#iswearimnotweirdimjustanxious

[yellow-like-sunflowers]

Show Your True Colors

**Previously posted this on Instagram, added more to this post**

Ok, so I saw this and it totally resonated with me. When I was around 9-13, I was the most awkward kid. I can still be, especially when I get nervous (I have a hilarious story for later 😅) I didn't know what the heck to do with my hands while walking, my body was changing and I didn't like the attention, the changes etc. I still remember the gross men that would look at me and would stare shamelessly, I probably covered myself because I didn't like the unwanted stares and attention. I got my first period when I was 12, and I remember I immediately started crying. I just felt weird in my own body, my world was rapidly changing and I was transitioning from a little girl to a teenager, all of a sudden my imagination wasn't fun enough. My dolls and barbies were useless to me and the world that I had created for them (and for myself) slowly crumbled away. My dad bought me a MacBook and I discovered the Sims, books and social media. Aannd I also became OBSESSED with One Direction, so yeah, #Directioner4evah, am I right? My friends and I would go crazy every single time they released a new music video and would only talk about them. I would SPAM the shit out of my friends' social media timeline, so I'm very surprised that (some)of them didn't block or unfriend me. 

Going back to what Kristen wrote, I stopped being super outgoing with strangers and would only act like myself behind closed doors with people who were super close to me. Outside of my "safe space" I wouldn't let my guard down. I have always tried to look "pretty" and "composed", I blame Catholicism. Even today, I can be cold and be rigid because I'm worried about how people may view me. So the less vulnerable I look, the more I feel protected, which sucks, I know..I'm working on it.

Ok, so here's the funny story: When I'm nervous or anxious, I start shaking like a freaking chihuahua, and I have to tell people that I'm cold, and it works because they usually believe me, lol. I also start doing weird things with my lips, like biting or smacking them because I'm extremely nervous 😂 So back in March, I went out on a date with a guy and I was so anxious that I was a.total.mess. I think the poor guy was so weirded out that I'm pretty sure I made him feel uncomfy, 😂 so of course, he sent me the typical "I wish you the best" text the next day; I mean, I get it. So yeah, you guessed it, we never spoke again. yay! :D Another failed dating experience, but I get it, even I cringe when thinking about the date because it was a disaster. He wasn't, I was. 

You know what really sucks? I felt so ugly that day, I have brown eyes so I made sure to wear makeup that would make my eyes "pop", I chose a horrible green eyeshadow (because I read it on the internet, it was either green or purple -_-)  and wore a lot of makeup that I don't usually wear, like I even used highlighter, I HATE highlighter. So I felt like a total clown 🤡 it.was.horrible.

I wanted to wear my indie-hipster-flowy outfit that I had chosen, and my brother was like, "Ewww, you look so weird, you need to look HOT". So I let him pick an outfit.Ughh, so of course I wasn't myself, I was trying so hard for this dude to like me that I got too worried and nervous.  I have realized something really messed up about myself, when I like a guy, I'm never myself, I get too shy and self-conscious, so I start being super awkward. And when I don't like a guy, I'm so myself because I honestly don't give a fudge if they like me or not. So that's why guys who are into me are not the ones I like, and those who are into me, I consider my friends and would never date them, because they're like family, duh. This guy that I went out on a date with was really nice, but I didn't feel like I could get my guard down or felt like I could be myself. Anyways, the date was a learning experience for me. I've always known that the right people will notice when I start acting anxious and nervous and accept it, my friends and I laugh at the weird shit I do. I also know that the right guy will not mind green eyeshadow and my "awkwardness" when I get anxious. He'll see me underneath all that ugly makeup and will give me his jacket when I say I'm cold, even though he will know I'm just shaking because I'm nervous. (Hi soulmate, I'm talking about you, hurry the F up) 

The moral of the story is that we have to unapologetically be ourselves, we have to shine our light brighter so that those with a similar light can find us! 😊 Always remember, those who are truly meant to be part of your life will find you fascinating, even when you're feeling like a clown. They will look at you like you're a work of art, they will make you feel like you're magic! Just the same way you'll look at them! 

Pic Credits: Kristen Robinson on Instagram as @ NakedWriting​

Also, I found this article and it makes me feel better to know I’m not the only one who starts shaking like jelly or a Chihuahua when anxious :) HERE