#it all feels so impossible and crushing
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i didnt watch unknown as it was airing bc i knew it would consume me so i decided to binge it all today. i was correct. it has consumed me.
#i am so unwell#and the thing is there is no specific moment or ep i can point to or rewatch to get out out of my system#there is something about the all consuming atmosphere of the show that’s so dense and heavy it’s impossible to escape it I don’t know how#and i find it incredible how they managed to established that atmosphere and built it so well and reached these peaks of emotion that you’d#think would break all that tension but it just returns 10-fold#like this is how you do storytelling this is how you plot a 12 episode drama#bc you get the peak in ep 6 that is the crux of the story getting revealed but you’re only halfway#there’s still so much story to go and they show all of it#they show that this is a thing that takes time and thought and it perfectly demonstrates how stuck in his ways wei qian is#and i find it incredible how both the actors were able to convey the passing of time and their growing up through their performance you can#really feel how wei yuan matures and how what’s perceived as this childish crush or obsession never leaves bc it was never that it was#always more serious and concrete but in his maturity he can show that#and there’s something so crushing about watching wei qian i swear i choked up so many times watching this show bc they both got to me so bad#but wei qian’s story and his outlook on life is so universal and so true to that older brother role that so many people have#i am rambling so bad i just wanna like… exist in the vibe of this show forever#bc the heaviness of it makes you feel the weight lift in the moments of joy it’s beautiful#unknown
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who up feeling their spirit get crushed into dust by this ai shit 😂😂😂
#turns out my laptop isnt strong enough to run glaze so now i gotta wait at least a month for them to reply to my dm 😃#not on them at all ik theyre swamped but im just like. why do we have to fucking do this#like putting poison on our lunch so coworkers stop stealing it. Why do the coworkers get away with stealing it in the first place#why is this how things have worked out. the amount of companies ive seen use ai generation for their ads (TABLET COMPANIES.)………#im like. u used to have to pay an artist to do that. and instead of putting technicology to good use#where it can do things that are tedious/difficult/impossible for humans to do#we’ve decided to have the machines do the one job we thought a machine COULDNT steal. bc its abt human creativity and passion#why. bc it saves a bunch of rich fucks even more money and they dont give a fuck about the rest of us#this shit wouldnt even exist if human artists werent here first for it to copy its souless its nothing its cold and dead i fucking hate it#YEARS of work and experience and craft honing and nobody gives a fuck they just see a person they dont have to pay anymore#steals our lifes work without our permission without paying us without a care how is my spirit NOT supposed to feel crushed#i see an ai image and all i see is decades of hard work that was stolen like if u ripped the bones out of a living person#ik jts dramatic and i keep going on abt rhis but it just bothers me SO fucking much#every time i have to think abt it its like a thousand pound rock dropped into my stomach#x
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can i complain about my life again promise you all won't hate me
#(i know everyone already does most likely so i'll do it and just feel bad about it but)#it's not that i don't love my family and i'm not happy to go back home to have dinner w them and all but#god after like 3 hours i'm already exhausted#i feel bad about it but they're just SO exhausting and this house is SO suffocating#i did it i left i did it. why do i still feel trapped#quite literally can't even stomach watching football rn bc i just wanna sit in the dark under my blanket and fucking. idk. cry maybe#and it makes it all so much worse that it's so painfully obvious my mum is tired and probably sad and surely fed up w my father (and my#brother to a lesser extent)#every time i come home i just wanna say sorry. sorry i left you. sorry you're alone. you're not alone but you're alone against the world#and she dismisses my worrying bc ofc she does and i do the same with her worries we've played this dance all our lives#it's just. how do you let someone worry about you when you both know there's nothing you can do to make it better#when you both know the source of the misery and exhaustion is inescapable#god i wish it was. like. i wish this was a movie. where people actually help you in these situations. where there isn't that BIG big big#obstacle that feels wrong to even call an obstacle but it will always forever make it impossible to do anything about the problem#i wish the people who said they'd help gave even half a shit and actually did (it was their fucking job)#going from sad to angry to hopeless to exhausted every 4 seconds i'm so#the thing is i'm not gonna stop coming back home you know? i'm not i can't#i don't even want to#but i wish it wasn't so fucking soul crushing every time bc i don't wanna keep having tiring tiring weeks#and then go back home on weekends and feel the opposite of rested#ok. i should shut up. sorry. i really don't know why i'm even alive atm#delete later#i never remember to delete these (when i remember to tag them in the first place)
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it really sucks to just feel so much love when there's just. nothing you can do about it
#like it's. yeah I'm angry yeah I'm sad but most of all I just. love people and things and#what do I do about that#I'm stuck inside my own head and it feels impossible to change it#so I constantly feel like I'm about to explode because where the fuck is it all supposed to go#I was supposed to be a social person I was supposed to be someone who enjoys being around people and meeting people and talking to people#I want it more than anything but. it's just. the hardest thing on earth#that's not fair.#and I guess this sounds so vague that it could be about. all the stupid crushes I've had on fictional people but it's not. l mean yeah#that too but. that part is just stupid. it wouldn't make a difference if they were real because I'd still be just as useless.#it's just. ugh. why can't I be like that#i need to stop having thoughts while I'm falling asleep i sound so emo oh my god
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HOW ARE YOU COLOR CODED ?
PURPLE CODED. purple, the color of wealth, prominence and owing your life to a king and crown, whether literal or metaphorical. you believe yourself above it all, believe that nothing can stand in your way and everything will go according to your master plan. but at the end of the day, you're terrified. terrified of what this quest for fame and glory might cost you. terrified of what you may lose in the rise to fortune. terrified of being alone even when you have so many smiling faces around you. you want truth, you want sincerity, you want... what DO you want, really?
tagged by: @undyingrogue
tagging : @daekarys , @doloridis , @lcerys , @betraal , @sinfyre
#dash games //#god like so much of her life is essentially ? Defined by the fact she was given a title she never knew to want#a title that came at the cost of what she did#like she wanted her mother#she wanted her mother to have a healthy child so she wouldn’t ? feel so much pain#and her ascension should’ve been impossible due to the sheer proximity to the great council#she has to believe that she’s better then that fact purely because if she doesn’t#she might as well not fight at all#she’ll be defeated and crushed by the weight of it
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I love having identity crisis that im not a real lesbian because every time i asks about how other people feel and think about sex they just tell me not to overthink it, just let it be
#im a goldstar but I can’t attribute that to my repulsion to men because I was wishing to have a boyfriend for the last decade i was just too#fat and ugly to interact with other people#plus I was only comfortable interacting with men if i was seen as another man#now I don’t want anything to do with them but it because of misogyny?#i have never had a crush on anyone#i started calling myself bisexual at 16 because i liked pussy more than dick#but at the time my fantasies were all about being humiliated by men and it didn’t seen as extreme if it was a woman so I didn’t so#consider persuing girls#i never fantasized about the man’s body#i never found a guy i thought was just as attractive as women#but when i was trans i wanted to be a well dresses guy with a beard#with a three piece suit so obviously i do find these men attractive#but i would never consider dating them plus they are always 70 years old#but do i feel uncomfortable because of the fear of mysogyny?#i don’t think i can ever date someone#all of these ideas seem very impossible
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i need more authors to understand that. adding romance and making it fucking creepy as hell for no reason just turns potential enjoyers away, even if it is in every other way well-written and interesting.
#like. i’m watching princess tutu for the first time#and i was so nervous when i realised a large aspect of the plot was related to ahiru and her crush#but honestly?#in just the first episode i was hooked on it because she wasn’t a fucking stalker or obsessive or manipulative and shit#she’s just a kid who has a genuine crush on this guy and i absolutely love it#this is coming from someone who usually hates romance-based plots/sub-plots#in one episode this show has gotten me more invested in a romance than 95% of other medias i’ve consumed#not to mention the plot device of “oh we can’t be together because x” that all romances have actually feels impactful with this#it’s not something that can be boiled down to “this could be solved in one episode if we weren’t shit at communicating“#or “oh we it’s impossible for us to be together for this incredibly arbitrary reason”#like. ahiru is a duck. of course she wouldn’t want to get with this guy.#how is she supposed to explain that she is a literal fucking bird. not even anthropomorphic. just bird#i could talk about this so much but i’m forcing myself to shut up now <3#q’s white noise
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god. not to be sad online. but im sad online
#um. sorry i went on a really really long rant abt my emotions in the tags. hehehoho im sad!#im just like. there's no way im getting older. i feel like i haven't changed since i was 14 and i feel so disconnected from everything#my birthday is in like 3 weeks but i keep thinking im turning 15 or 16 again and i'll be able to live my teenage years again and#do it right this time or something but no! that's not how that works! obviously!#when my best friend turned 18 she immediately started saying ''im an adult im different im older'' but like#i think about how i'll be 18 soon and im just scared and im going to be holding onto teenage years and#fantasies about them that will never happen and it's just exhausting#i know i sound like such a dramatic teenager but i AM a dramatic teenager!#i had so much shit happen to me that made me lose out on so much of being a teenager and it's like#crushing that i'll never get those years back and other peoples choices ruined my life before i had a chance to have much of one#and i've missed out on so many experiences that all my friends got and i feel such a barrier between me and other people#for that reason and i also feel a disconnect between me and literally everybody i know#and making friends is literally impossible for me anymore and i just feel like i keep losing friends and one day i'll wake up and#i won't have anyone anymore. and i find it hard to talk to people who were my best friends for awhile and i just fall deeper into this#pit of loneliness every day and there's nothing i can do so i just give up. i dunno#im so tired and im just so so lonely and done with. existing#and im also never anybody's first choice which is always annoying but#and it's just.... heartbreaking to think about how my best friend will never choose me when her other best friend is there and#how when we all hang out they're both actually mean to me and there's just nothing i can do other than text my mom and cry#and it makes me doubt how much she cares if she gets that way so easily y'know?#ugh it's all juvenile problems but they just weigh so heavily on me :/#okay enough oversharing online for the night im going to sleep now. then tomorrow i'll just#have the same thoughts and it'll only get worse
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The fact ao3 has no Home Field Advantage fics feels like a crime. Yes I know the book has only been out a week, but I crave more of Jack and Amber and Malcolm and Miguel and I want to Dan Sanchez get what’s coming to him. Just this book feels like everything high school me would have wanted even though I hadn’t really figured out I was queer yet. It’s a cliche romance that finally lets me understand and love the cliche of the quarterback/cheerleader romance. And yet it’s so much deeper since it deals heavily in both misogyny and homophobia while making it clear forced outing is never a thing that is going to happen.
#home field advantage#dahlia adler#fake dating your gay best friend as you pine after the new quarterback#crushing on the only person who’s been nice to you at your new school because you’ve taken the place of the beloved drunk driving former QB#feeling like you can’t stand up for what’s right because you’re in the closet and also one of the few minorities on the team#Malcolm and Mrs McCloud are just bops#despite their lack of actual screen time so are Sage and Morgan.#and you might say Charlie why don’t you just write fic#the answer to that is frankly my mental state has deemed all fic impossible including the ones I love and need to finish#not about to start one when my only thought is but I want them to be even happier
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today i bought shoes even though i have difficult(tm) feet and if they still fit with insoles in i intend to actually wear my insoles so i still have useable feet in ten years i hope ur all proud of me
#i walked maybe 4km in flipflops and now all the bones in my feet and ankles hurt :(#can feel my low arches getting worse lol. i am definitely Not using my foot/ankle/leg muscles the way im meant to.#but it's kind of impossible when shoes are so fucking hard to find#any shoes at all let alone well made shoes that are good for your feet#have awful memories of being a kid and traipsing around for like three or four hours and coming away with nothing :(#it wasn't that hard this time but. eurghhh. still fucking soul crushing to have to go to Every Shop In Town#when p much everyone else can just pick something off the shelf and check the number on the bottom#:/#i hate u standardised shoe sizes. renormalise getting shoes custom made without it costing ten morbillion quid.
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starting to think im a bard of void instead of being a knowledge class. i have the whole bardic crisis thing (oct 13 2013. sunday) the whole opposite aspect thing before that (Gifted Kid TM where part of my personality was bring smart. is very lightcore) and just how i seem to destroy everything i touch.
my aversion to lying and how terrible i am at it because its on a physical level in my body and i have to script it in advance (yes this is mostly autism) and not liking to keep secrets and being a blabbermouth. destroying void.
destroyed by void. getting FADED with weed. self isolation and most of my time being spent gaming or on the computer/phone. my awful terrible recurring dreams (dreams are void) that i have a fucking tag for. but the horrors have become almost mundane with how repetitive they are in my dreams and thats why i dont call them nightmares
#le p2iigh#the 'this classpect perfectly describes all my flaws' type of classpecter#no but my dreams are always like. im in school and i dont know why they wont let me drop out.#dont know if its college or What. but sometimes my former therapist is there. the one i had a crush on.#thats a thing i have with male mentor/teacher figures because of a Very Specifc Reason#other things that are always in my dreams. my dorm on the 3rd floor im always trying to figure out what clothes to wear whats clean#packing so i can go to the house that im living at that is specifically not home. wondering when i can go home to check on the cats#wondering why home looks so different its almost unrecognizable. my uncle is there. always. mom always has something Wrong with her#things being on fire near wherever im staying like next door across the street. most recently like the whole neighborhood.#not beating the doom player allegations with these descriptions.#heres more void coded things abt the dreams. being in/around bodies of water. theres one particular river i go to a lot its past some woods#the woods area separates the river and i walk upstream until i come across the widest part and the initial fork#theres always various Creatures in the water that im scared of.#this happens whenever im on the coast and in the ocean too. except sometimes theres stuff that wants to eat me#and thats not counting the kinnie dreams. either its ocean stuff that reminds me of being link.#or its like. i guess side order levels or something. and also more cursed than usual salmon run. on cursed stages. eels chasing me#(obvoiusly the agent 8 kinnie dreams)#my real life anxieties about the cat litter and taking a shower meaning i dream about having to do those things.#trying to find a place to lie down and sleep that feels comfortable for me but its impossible#thats. most of the recurring things in my dreams. my brain is tired and i interrupted myself doing Tasks for this.#i didnt expect to ramble about the recurring nature of all of these dream things. and obviously the tag is going here#adventures in losap#< the dream tag
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I wish I was as brave as my characters.
#feeling some feelings#I give David and Patrick my feelings/problems all the time#it's about time they start pulling their weight and give up some of that bravery#so maybe I have a crush for the first time in like 15 years and I'm not dealing with it well#because it's even more impossible than the last one because of reasons I won't get into#I just wish I could meet someone nice I can kiss#ughhh I'll probably delete this later I'm just feeling sorry for myself
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nothing sadder than reading back on old texts reminiscing on when life was actually good and you weren’t alone
#this time last year i was confident and happy#and i had friends i loved that loved me#and i had a job i was great at#i was a literal girlboss#everyone at my job looked up to me#i was doing great in school#i went to therapy#i was surrounded by family#i was HAPPY#and now i’m…here#family is 2 hours away#all my friends grew away from me#i haven’t been able to make new friends#it feels impossible here#i can’t afford therapy anymore#i’m getting treated like shit at my new job despite me trying my best#and this city fucking sucks !!!!#i used to be happy…..and now i’m here and i’m miserable and i regret ever leaving#i just can’t handle this crushing loneliness anymore#i’m so alone#it hurts#and i don’t think i can make it anymore#i’m scared it’s not gonna work out#i don’t think it will#i just want to go back#the worse thing is nobody knows how hurt and alone i am#bc i can’t talk to anyone about it#i have no one to talk to about it
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<<🙏🏻>>
#i'm only rarely posting about horrible events anymore#simply because i get overwhelmed by the bad news. because there is so much of those.#because there are always horrible things happening. there are things that have been happening for years that no one talks about anymore.#not posting abt something does not equal not caring - i think it's important to say that again#as a reassurance for myself really#because i know that i am incredibly privileged for being able to decide what badness i let into which spaces of my life.#not everyone can have a safe space like this. people live and die in wars everywhere around the world. peope live and die in protests.#people get stripped from their rights. people are unrightfully imprisoned. people are forced to work under horrible conditions.#people people lose their homes. people are hungry. people have no clean water. people get sick.#people get crushed in a too big crowd in a too little street on what was supposed to be a fun party night.#my thoughts are with the injured. with the dead. with everyone who lost somebody under such horrible circumstances.#we all just want our lives to be ok. and horrible things keep happening for reasons that are sometimes easy sometimes hard to understand#i always hope everyone is safe and i know that is impossible. but i still hope.#i hope everyone can still find pieces of happiness in these trying times too.#on that note: i am fully supporting sm cancelling the halloween party and postponing jongdae's album.#it's the right thing. anything else would be disrespectful towards everyone. this hits so close to home for them.#i hope they all are ok over there#anyway i am rambling. i just needed to put these thoughts into words.#in a way that won't depress me when i go through old posts in the future#stay safe everyone. if anyone feels alone with this or just the need to talk with someone i am always here. take care ♡
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