#why. bc it saves a bunch of rich fucks even more money and they dont give a fuck about the rest of us

[ducktollers]

who up feeling their spirit get crushed into dust by this ai shit 😂😂😂

[trickstarbrave]

“it costs SOOOO much money and dating a disabled person is SOOOOOOO much work” no its fucking not bitch we’re dating not married. you can date disabled person who is independent and has their own job and their own place. the idea we’re all completely dependent and only date people to get a caregiver we dont have to pay is a load of horseshit. you think you have to give baths and work a job to pay for someone whos deaf????? you think a wheelchair user who has their own place and insurance and hired caregiver wants you to treat them like a baby and take over that role??? no. not all disabled people are the same. saying “i wont date a disabled person bc theyre too much WORK and thats okay :)” isnt cute or funny you’re just a fucking bigot. if you meet an INDIVIDUAL disabled person you dont want to date based on their needs and your own abilities then dont. but do NOT act like perpetuating ableism is just a “preference” you get to say when your statement is not true and is just based on ignorance. 

you think that exists in a vacuum? no. disabled people will read it and think ‘well i guess i might as well not date im unlovable and might as well not try dating. me asking for help reaching stuff on the shelf makes me a burden. asking for someone to hold a door open makes me a burden.” the very idea we’re too much work and cost a bunch of money makes other people go “well im not rich i guess dating someone disabled is a rich thing :/ damn i guess theyre all gold diggers. i cant lift up someone so i might as well not date ANY disabled person” and also perpetuates the idea we all are exactly the same or we’re faking, that disabled people CANT hold a job and CANT do anything on our own or else we’re faking it and taking advantage of systems we dont deserve. bullshit.

and furthermore dating ANYONE is a lot of work. you think its just smooth sailing??? your partner asks you to stop by cvs and pick them up something better refuse bc u didnt sign up to help anyone!!!!!!!! bitch. 

keep your fucked up statements about how you will not date a SINGLE minority class because they are all the same to your fucking self. the only thing disabled people have in common is our oppression and the denied practice of accessing society. thats it. making blanket statements about all of us is ableist. when you do that it isnt about YOUR PREFERENCE its about bigotry.

i dont want to fucking date you. i want you to shut the fuck up about how you would never ever ever in a million years date someone like me. maybe instead of taking all about yourself you save that for private conversations one on one instead of screaming it endlessly online. bc i never asked to date you! you saying that to me isnt a decline of a romantic relationship and you know it isnt! its you telling me i subpar, a waste of space, a burden, and that my partner doesnt actually like being with me. because why would they? when all i am is a stupid crippled bitch in a wheelchair to you. because i will never be a good cook, or a good listener, or supportive, or fun to talk to, or share hobbies, or be really smart, or be thoughtful and helpful. those qualities about me dont matter to you, because you dont know me. you dont even know the hypothetical things i ‘need’ that would be too much for you. all you know is im disabled. and that is more than enough for you to judge me. just like the rest of society. 

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...